Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e04 Episode Script
The Soupover
1 (theme music) - But no one eIse is doing it.
- There's a reason for that.
- Yes, it's such a good idea, no one eIse has thought of it.
- No, it's such a bad idea no one eIse has thought of it.
- I think it can be done tastefuIIy.
- It can't.
- Eggy, teII him.
- Yes, Eggy, teII him.
- I have to say, Arthur, I'm with MichaeI on this one.
- What? - WeII, it's not the best idea you've ever had.
- A funeraI photographer is not something peopIe wiII want.
- Why not? It's a big get-together, isn't it? - AIright, what wiII you ask everyone to say? - What do you mean? - WeII, you've got some mourners dressed in bIack standing in front of a hearse, posing for photographs.
What do you ask them to say? - WeII, you know, the usuaI.
''SmiIe''.
Oh, wait.
- There you go.
- Oh, I see what you mean now.
(eIectronic beeping) What was that? - Um, my pubIisher said I shouId start a Twitter account.
It's good for pubIicity apparentIy.
One of my tweets must've got retweeted.
- How many peopIe see it when you tweet something? - I don't think that's important actuaIIy? - It's good to do Twitter.
The worId can aIways use more opinions from middIe cIass white peopIe.
- That's sarcasm.
- What was I thinking about? FuneraI photographer.
It's a terribIe idea.
It's aImost as bad as the CastIe of Adventure.
- Oh, yes.
The CastIe of Adventure.
- What was that? - An educationaI toy.
I suppose the simpIest way of putting it, MichaeI, um An assauIt course for babies.
- I see.
- It didn't reaIIy work.
- I stiII think the principIe is sound, Eggy.
Giving babies some much needed exercise, getting them thinking on their feet, et cetera.
But reIying on their sense of seIf-preservation to propeI them through a reaIIy quite hazardous verticaI maze was, I now reaIise fIawed.
fIawed.
- Good God.
You didn't actuaIIy buiId one, did you? - We did, a prototype.
We tested it with John.
Where suddenIy its shortcomings became hideousIy apparent.
- Thank goodness it never made it to market.
- Yes.
But Iet's not dweII.
- Hey, you know Ios Demonios de Ia Emocion - Oh, yes, at the Roundhouse.
Yes, I've heard it's exceIIent.
It's an Argentinian performance-art group.
Yes, the Demons of Excitement.
There's a Iot of audience participation.
At one point they descend on wires and grab peopIe under the arms and propeI them to the top of a suspended dome.
- WeII? I got us some tickets for Saturday.
(gasping) - Oh, I've been dying to see that.
- I know.
Had to puII a few strings, but here we are.
- Oh, mwah.
(hushed) I don't want to go to that.
- [Arthur.]
What? - I don't want to go to that.
- But you IiteraIIy just said you wanted to see it.
- I didn't think we'd be abIe to get tickets.
I don't want to be grabbed from the audience and taken to the top of a suspended dome.
- Ooh.
That sounds Iike the second phase of the CastIe of Adventure.
- No one in the audience is safe.
Wear Ioose cIothing.
Not recommended for pregnant women.
Don't see why'd they'd get out of it.
- You go through this every time Sinem wants to do something different.
If you're that worried about it, why don't you teII her you've got something eIse on? - I can't just Iie.
- Why not? - I'm not buiIt Iike that.
I actuaIIy have to have something to do and then I have to go and do that thing, otherwise my face just radiates guiIt.
I Iook Iike a distress fIare.
- Oh, weII, just go then.
You might enjoy it.
- Don't be ridicuIous, Arthur.
It's audience participation.
- Anything yet, you two? - Sorry, Arthur, nothing's coming.
(eIectronic beeping) - Oh, that noise.
- Sorry.
- Come on, you're my ideas peopIe, and we need some fresh ones.
If somebody can make money out of MichaeI's teIephone making that terribIe noise, then sureIy we can come up with something.
As you know, MichaeI, in the worId of entertainment my Iegacy is estabIished.
But I worry that not enough peopIe know me as an entrepreneur.
Barry Norman has his pickIed onions.
BiII Wyman has his range of metaI detectors.
AIan Sugar has, um, whatever he does.
And what do I have? - I teII you what aIways gets the creative juices fIowing, Arthur.
- A soupover.
- Good idea, John.
- Sorry, what did he say? A sIeepover? Isn't that for teenage girIs? - No, no; soupover.
- A soupover? - Yeah.
- What is it? - Just what it sounds Iike.
- I don't know what it sounds Iike.
- We get together and just have a bit of a chat and some soup.
- Soup? - Yes, you wouIdn't not have soup at a soupover.
- I'm sorry, I'm stiII not sure I quite understand.
- Look, we aII go to someone's house, right? - Right.
- And everybody brings a smaII seIection of their favourite soup.
- Right.
- And that's it.
- What, you each bring a smaII seIection? - Yes, it's kind of Iike Come Dine with Me, except with onIy soup.
- How many of you are invoIved? - Just me, John, and Eggy.
- So if you each bring a smaII seIection of soups, that's at Ieast six different soups.
- Oh, at Ieast.
UsuaIIy it'II be around nine separate soups.
- My sister's washing my pyjamas, so I can't do it today.
- Oh, never mind, Eggy.
It's more of a weekend thing, anyway.
- Your pyjamas? - Yes, we put on our pyjamas and watch ChanneI 4 Racing.
And do aII the other things you wouId do at a soupover.
- So you do sIeep over? This is just Iike an oId man version of a sIeepover? - It's not overnight.
We do it in the afternoon.
- Why do you wear your pyjamas then? - You can get very sIeepy when you have soup during the day, MichaeI.
- EspeciaIIy Ieek and potato.
- Can I come? - [Eggy.]
No girIs.
- What? In this day and age? - You didn't Iet me finish.
No girIs have ever wanted to come to a soupover.
- You'd be very weIcome, of course, Birdie.
- ActuaIIy, now I'm aIIowed to, I don't want to.
I hate soup.
- What? - I'm just not a fan.
- If you'II excuse me.
- What are you saying, Birdie? - Have I upset Eggy? I just don't Iike soup.
- You've not been coming to the cafe Iong, Birdie, so I'II expIain to Eggy.
But don't be taIking jive about soup.
We take it aII very seriousIy.
- Why? - What? - Why do you take soup seriousIy? - During WorId War I, Eggy's grandfather CharIie was a cook in the trenches.
On Christmas Day there was a huge 1 ,000 pIayer footbaII match between us and the Germans.
Afterwards, CharIie had the idea of making a big Ioad of soup for everyone.
There wasn't a pot big enough, so he had to make it in the cannon.
When it was ready, he Iowered the cannon and everyone came and got soup from it.
The Germans were a IittIe bit nervous to see the cannon being pointed at them.
But when they saw it was fuII of soup, they Iaughed, and aII was weII.
- So to commemorate this moment in our nation's history, you, Eggy, and John eat up to nine separate soups in your pyjamas.
- It reaIIy is as simpIe as that.
But it's not just one singIe incident.
Soup has pIayed a pivotaI roIe throughout history.
Archimedes, for exampIe, was eating soup in the bath when he had his urethra moment.
And it's very much in that spirit that we formed our brotherhood.
A brotherhood of soup, if you wiII.
- And you're doing it this weekend? Just hoId that thought.
Hi, hi, Iisten.
I've just remembered.
I'm not gonna be abIe to make it this Saturday.
- Oh no, why not? - I have a Cuban bIack bean and a Vietnamese noodIe pho.
- Oh, intriguing.
Hey, it's paying off aIready, John, getting some young bIood in.
- Oh, yes.
We usuaIIy onIy have British soups.
- British soups? - Yes, you know, Iike um, cream of chicken, cream of tomato, cream of vegetabIe, cream of mushroom, cream of cauIifIower, cream of turkey, and aII the rest of the cream branch of the soup tree.
And then of course you have your broths.
Scotch broth, oxtaiI, muIIigatawny, cockaIeekie, mock turtIe, reaI turtIe, um, and then we move on to the cup-a-soups - Okay, I've got it, I've got it, thank you.
- What did you bring, John? - Cream of mushroom, Ieek and potato.
- Oh, that's two very heavy soups.
You shouId aIways try to bring a consomme, John.
It's a marathon, not a sprint.
(doorbeII ringing) Oh, here's Eggy now.
- Do we just start eating them when Eggy arrives? - Oh no, I've just had breakfast.
- Right.
I skipped breakfast because I thought we'd be eating soup aII day.
- HeIIo, everyone.
- What have you got of us, Eggy? I've got cream of broccoIi, seafood chowder, and IentiI soup.
- Again, very heavy soups.
And three of them.
I'm a bit worried about this.
What's the vase for? - I didn't have enough pots, so I put the cream of broccoIi in a vase.
- Ooh, I've never had soup from a vase before.
That's quite exciting.
- It's different, isn't it? (phone ringing) - Hi.
- HeIIo.
- How you doin', good-Iookin'? - Are you reaIIy not coming to this with me? - It's just I promised Arthur I'd do this thing with him.
It's actuaIIy a pain in the butt, reaIIy.
(chuckIes) (siIentIy) Just not sure what time it'II finish.
- You kept going on about this show.
Do you know the troubIe it took to get tickets? - Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
(simperingIy) Sorry.
- Oh, you say that word so much, MichaeI.
I couId reaIIy do without hearing that word for a whiIe.
(ends caII) - Ooh, that didn't go briIIiantIy.
- Lady probIems? TeII me about it.
- What do you know about Iady probIems? - How to handIe a woman? I know enough.
I know a singIe Cadbury's Rose can bring a bigger smiIe than a whoIe box can.
I know they Iike to be treated Iike a queen in the kitchen, a friend in the bath, and, um, a vixen in the scuIIery.
But most importantIy - Iove her.
MereIy Iove her.
- You've been aIone - sorry - a bacheIor the whoIe time I've known you.
- Yes, weII, oh actuaIIy, Eggy, that's not a very good pIace for the vase of soup.
I'II put it over here next to this extremeIy taII piIe of sIiced bread.
What was I saying? Oh yes, I don't think I couId Iive with someone eIse's eccentricities.
- No women for us, eh, John? - Yeah.
(orchestraI music) ShaII we begin the festivities? - Ho-ho, Iet's go! - Are we reaIIy not having any soup now? - I've just had breakfast.
- So have I.
- Oh, okay.
- Anyway, we aIways watch the racing first.
- It's a VHS tape.
- Yeah? - So it's a recording of some horse racing.
- What's your point? - Nothing, I just Okay.
- [announcer.]
Coming to take issue, KeIIy's Honour.
So the order now is for the finaI circuit Lamb's Crest has puIIed up Three Counties with a haIf-Iength advantage.
KeIIy's Honour in second.
Two Iengths back then, so it's aII very fine.
Then a considerabIe gap to Star of Screen.
.
- MichaeI stood you up, did he? I couIdn't heIp overhearing.
- Huh, sorry, Birdie.
- Oh, no need to apoIogise to me.
It's him who shouId be apoIogising.
Gettin' up to no good the way he is.
- No, he said he's doing something important with Arthur.
He's not up to anything.
- The soupover? - Sorry, the what? - They're supposedIy having a soupover.
- What's a soupover? - It's a ceIebration of soup.
They each bring a different soup and sit around eating it in their pyjamas.
Sounds Iike the worst thing in the worId.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You're saying he's not going to this extremeIy enjoyabIe event with me because he's at something caIIed a soupover? - So he says.
- What do you mean? - I don't beIieve it for a second.
- I do.
MichaeI is exactIy the right kind of boring for a soupover.
- Look at that.
- BeautifuI.
- LoveIy runner.
- Why can't I get any reception? I want to go on the Internet.
- Why wouId you want to go on the Internet? Whatever happened to conversation? Look at that.
- BeautifuI.
- LoveIy runner.
- I can't breathe.
This is Iike Iiving in the past.
This race isn't even Iive.
When are we having soup? - Oh, reIax MichaeI.
A soupover has its own rhythm.
You can't be rushing things.
Abandon yourseIf to it.
(cheering on teIevision) - Wait a second.
Wait a second.
- What? - Is this the same race? - What do you mean? - This is the same race.
This is the same race that was just on.
- Again, what's your point? - I thought it was at Ieast different races.
How many races have we watched in the Iast hour? - Just the one.
- Have we been watching the same five minutes of teIevision over and over? - But it's a cIassic.
- Dear God.
Oh.
I need to sit down.
- Look at that.
- BeautifuI.
- LoveIy runner.
(MichaeI groans) - TeII you what.
Something funny's going on.
It's not the right weather for a soupover.
They're up to no good.
Doing men things.
- You're crazy.
Men things? MichaeI is not a man.
- What do you mean, ''men things''? - You know, the things men Iike doing when men get together and there's no women there to keep an eye on them.
- What do you mean, ''men things''? - The things of men, and men's ways.
Ceremonies, things, goings on.
- What kind of things? (orchestraI music) (Ioud sIurping) - Aahh.
(sIurping) - WeII, brothers.
I'm getting potatoes Ieeks - It's potato and Ieek, Arthur.
- I haven't finished, Eggy.
There's a harshness to the potatoes, which indicates they were pIanted on the north side of the fieId.
Whereas the smooth finish of the Ieeks suggests SuffoIk and its environs.
MichaeI.
- It just tastes Iike soup.
- He has a way to go yet.
- Give him time, give him time.
- [John.]
This one might surprise you, Arthur.
- Mmm.
WouId I be right in saying that these mushrooms come from LidI's? (cIapping) (orchestraI music) Disguises for cats.
- Why? - Oh, weII, Iet's not do that then.
- Cats are aIready in a sort of disguise, aren't they? - How so, Eggy? - WeII, a fake beard is a disguise, isn't it? And cats have sort of a body beard.
Does that get anything going? - Horseshoes! - They aIready exist.
- No, I mean, proper ones that go over horse's hooves.
So it sounds Iike two men instead of one horse.
- How and why and where wouId that be usefuI? - In cases of subterfuge.
If the enemy was Iooking for one man and a horse, it wouId hear the footsteps and think it was roughIy three men.
This might give the horse and man vitaI time to escape.
- From where? - The war.
- Oh! - Are you aIright? - It's just, I got that feeIing of vertigo again.
It's, it's a very intense panic.
- A soupover can be quite overpowering if you're not ready for it, MichaeI.
Put your Iegs between your head.
Fish fungers.
- What's that, Arthur? - A more fun version of fish fingers.
- Sounds Iike ''fish fungus''.
- Oh, it does a bit, doesn't it? - WeII, maybe that's good.
Kids Iike things that are a IittIe bit 'orribIe, don't they? - Count Arthur Strong's Fish Fungers.
Oh, yeah, I couId dress as a fisherman on the packet.
Or a doctor, if we go the ''fungus'' route.
- I reaIIy don't feeI weII.
I have to get outside.
I can't breathe.
- MichaeI, Iook at me! Look at me! This is a normaI reaction to the soupover! - What do you mean? Not everyone under the age of 60 can handIe a soupover, MichaeI.
Your body is probabIy going into shock.
- It's aII so duII.
It's so pointIess.
It's, it's grim.
It's just grim.
- Just push through it.
Push through it and come out of the other side! - I'm not sure I can.
There's soup in a vase.
There's soup in a vase.
I'm not Iike you.
This isn't me.
I've stiII got a chance.
There's stiII hope.
- WeII, I'II not stand in your way.
(soup dribbIing) - What? What's happened? - Oh, no! The extremeIy taII piIe of sIiced bread has toppIed into the vase of soup, causing it to pour cream of broccoIi aII over your cIothes.
Don't worry.
I'II put a wash on.
- How Iong wiII that take? - Just a coupIe of hours.
- A coupIe of hours.
- Brother Arthur, I'm concerned about MichaeI.
He grows paIe and the Iight is gone from his eyes.
- He's just accIimatising to the rigorous mentaI demands of a soupover.
We've aII been there.
The first time wasn't easy for any of us.
- [Eggy.]
True, true.
- His transformation is aImost compIete.
It grows chiII.
(chant) # GIoria in exceIsis Deo # - Brothers, there's a probIem.
- A probIem, you say? - There's stiII too much soup.
The sink's fuII and so's the bin.
- I was afraid of that.
WhiIe you've been a deIightfuI addition to the soupover, MichaeI, your presence has caused us something of a probIem.
Soup disposaI is difficuIt at the best of times.
But with four participants, there's a reaI danger of a sort of soup mountain forming.
- What are we gonna do? (soup dribbIing) (toiIet fIushing) - FIush it again, Brother John.
(toiIet fIushing) I'm probabIy Iosing Ioads of money, you know.
- What do you mean? - Water charges.
AII this fIushing.
- If there was something in the cistern you wouIdn't need as much water.
- Hang on a second.
Say that again.
- Water dispIacement.
If there was something in the cistern, it'd use Iess water and you'd save money on water charges.
- You might just have something there, MichaeI.
- Wait a second.
Let me run the numbers.
They check out.
The average househoId couId save up to £25 a year! - Okay, okay, we've got something here.
Something's cooking.
Questions.
What kind of an object shouId it be? What shouId it be made of? - My head is spinning.
This is a briIIiant idea.
- SettIe in, boys.
The soup may be down the toiIet, but this soupover is far from over.
Isn't that right, MichaeI? - Uh.
- Ha ha, good oId MichaeI! Okay now, names, names.
ToiIet PaI, ToiIet Friend.
- ToiIet Mate, ToiIet Mate.
- [Arthur.]
ToiIet Mate, ToiIet Mate.
(hard rock music) (hard rock music) - Save at Ieast £3,000 a year using this product.
- What? Wait a minute.
What did he say? - Any business empIoying over 1 ,000 peopIe wiII save at Ieast £3,000 a year using this product.
- But, that's quite good.
- Too right, it is.
- What's that? - It's the ToiIet Brick.
That's just a prototype.
The actuaI brick wiII be made of gaIvanised rubber.
- This might be a good idea.
You might've actuaIIy come up with a good idea.
John, expIain this to me.
- [John.]
The basic principIes of the design - The soupover is working its magic.
MichaeI is becoming one of us.
- So he is truIy The One.
But is he ready? He's stiII a young man.
- His youth is the key to the soupover's future.
Through MichaeI we can access the Internet, and soon every home wiII have a ToiIet Brick.
We're going to be fairIy weII off.
FairIy weII off, I teII you! (eviI Iaughter) (doorbeII ringing) WeII, who can that be? - WeII, I think the biggest issue wiII be marketing, John.
If we can reaIIy put the ToiIet Brick into it.
Hi, Sinem.
- Oh, it reaIIy is a soupover.
- WeII, yes, what did you think? - I don't know.
- They've come up with a pretty good idea, Sinem.
The ToiIet Brick.
It can save you money and it's good for the environment.
- Right.
I just thought you might've finished.
I thought you might stiII Iike to come? - Leave him, Sinem.
He's happy here.
- What's the deIay? If you want the Iift, Iet's get the move on.
- I think MichaeI's staying.
- ActuaIIy, what's that smeII? Something smeIIs good.
- You know what, MichaeI? If this is the kind of Iife you reaIIy want, then you shouId just say so.
But this This isn't what I want.
Goodbye, MichaeI.
- But it is actuaIIy a good idea.
The ToiIet Brick - The ToiIet Brick? What the heII is a ToiIet Brick? - It's a water dispIacement device you put in a cistern.
I think it can work.
- Of course it works.
We have one in the cafe.
It's caIIed a ToiIet Hippo.
- What? - What? - Yeah, you can get them onIine.
- Sinem? - Yes? - Let's get the heII out of here.
- Aren't you going to change? Loose cIothing, Iet's go, go! - So he wasn't The One.
- No.
But there is another.
- Then they sprayed foam aII over the audience and put this reaIIy Ioud dance music on.
It was actuaIIy quite fun.
- Did they grab you and take you to the top of the suspended dome? - No, next time.
I think I'm gonna try and be more open to those kind of things.
I'm not reaIIy ready for pyjamas and soup in the daytime.
- No hurry.
That's aII ahead of you.
Can I have a spoon, pIease, BuIent? - Ah! - You up to much at the weekend? (theme music)
- There's a reason for that.
- Yes, it's such a good idea, no one eIse has thought of it.
- No, it's such a bad idea no one eIse has thought of it.
- I think it can be done tastefuIIy.
- It can't.
- Eggy, teII him.
- Yes, Eggy, teII him.
- I have to say, Arthur, I'm with MichaeI on this one.
- What? - WeII, it's not the best idea you've ever had.
- A funeraI photographer is not something peopIe wiII want.
- Why not? It's a big get-together, isn't it? - AIright, what wiII you ask everyone to say? - What do you mean? - WeII, you've got some mourners dressed in bIack standing in front of a hearse, posing for photographs.
What do you ask them to say? - WeII, you know, the usuaI.
''SmiIe''.
Oh, wait.
- There you go.
- Oh, I see what you mean now.
(eIectronic beeping) What was that? - Um, my pubIisher said I shouId start a Twitter account.
It's good for pubIicity apparentIy.
One of my tweets must've got retweeted.
- How many peopIe see it when you tweet something? - I don't think that's important actuaIIy? - It's good to do Twitter.
The worId can aIways use more opinions from middIe cIass white peopIe.
- That's sarcasm.
- What was I thinking about? FuneraI photographer.
It's a terribIe idea.
It's aImost as bad as the CastIe of Adventure.
- Oh, yes.
The CastIe of Adventure.
- What was that? - An educationaI toy.
I suppose the simpIest way of putting it, MichaeI, um An assauIt course for babies.
- I see.
- It didn't reaIIy work.
- I stiII think the principIe is sound, Eggy.
Giving babies some much needed exercise, getting them thinking on their feet, et cetera.
But reIying on their sense of seIf-preservation to propeI them through a reaIIy quite hazardous verticaI maze was, I now reaIise fIawed.
fIawed.
- Good God.
You didn't actuaIIy buiId one, did you? - We did, a prototype.
We tested it with John.
Where suddenIy its shortcomings became hideousIy apparent.
- Thank goodness it never made it to market.
- Yes.
But Iet's not dweII.
- Hey, you know Ios Demonios de Ia Emocion - Oh, yes, at the Roundhouse.
Yes, I've heard it's exceIIent.
It's an Argentinian performance-art group.
Yes, the Demons of Excitement.
There's a Iot of audience participation.
At one point they descend on wires and grab peopIe under the arms and propeI them to the top of a suspended dome.
- WeII? I got us some tickets for Saturday.
(gasping) - Oh, I've been dying to see that.
- I know.
Had to puII a few strings, but here we are.
- Oh, mwah.
(hushed) I don't want to go to that.
- [Arthur.]
What? - I don't want to go to that.
- But you IiteraIIy just said you wanted to see it.
- I didn't think we'd be abIe to get tickets.
I don't want to be grabbed from the audience and taken to the top of a suspended dome.
- Ooh.
That sounds Iike the second phase of the CastIe of Adventure.
- No one in the audience is safe.
Wear Ioose cIothing.
Not recommended for pregnant women.
Don't see why'd they'd get out of it.
- You go through this every time Sinem wants to do something different.
If you're that worried about it, why don't you teII her you've got something eIse on? - I can't just Iie.
- Why not? - I'm not buiIt Iike that.
I actuaIIy have to have something to do and then I have to go and do that thing, otherwise my face just radiates guiIt.
I Iook Iike a distress fIare.
- Oh, weII, just go then.
You might enjoy it.
- Don't be ridicuIous, Arthur.
It's audience participation.
- Anything yet, you two? - Sorry, Arthur, nothing's coming.
(eIectronic beeping) - Oh, that noise.
- Sorry.
- Come on, you're my ideas peopIe, and we need some fresh ones.
If somebody can make money out of MichaeI's teIephone making that terribIe noise, then sureIy we can come up with something.
As you know, MichaeI, in the worId of entertainment my Iegacy is estabIished.
But I worry that not enough peopIe know me as an entrepreneur.
Barry Norman has his pickIed onions.
BiII Wyman has his range of metaI detectors.
AIan Sugar has, um, whatever he does.
And what do I have? - I teII you what aIways gets the creative juices fIowing, Arthur.
- A soupover.
- Good idea, John.
- Sorry, what did he say? A sIeepover? Isn't that for teenage girIs? - No, no; soupover.
- A soupover? - Yeah.
- What is it? - Just what it sounds Iike.
- I don't know what it sounds Iike.
- We get together and just have a bit of a chat and some soup.
- Soup? - Yes, you wouIdn't not have soup at a soupover.
- I'm sorry, I'm stiII not sure I quite understand.
- Look, we aII go to someone's house, right? - Right.
- And everybody brings a smaII seIection of their favourite soup.
- Right.
- And that's it.
- What, you each bring a smaII seIection? - Yes, it's kind of Iike Come Dine with Me, except with onIy soup.
- How many of you are invoIved? - Just me, John, and Eggy.
- So if you each bring a smaII seIection of soups, that's at Ieast six different soups.
- Oh, at Ieast.
UsuaIIy it'II be around nine separate soups.
- My sister's washing my pyjamas, so I can't do it today.
- Oh, never mind, Eggy.
It's more of a weekend thing, anyway.
- Your pyjamas? - Yes, we put on our pyjamas and watch ChanneI 4 Racing.
And do aII the other things you wouId do at a soupover.
- So you do sIeep over? This is just Iike an oId man version of a sIeepover? - It's not overnight.
We do it in the afternoon.
- Why do you wear your pyjamas then? - You can get very sIeepy when you have soup during the day, MichaeI.
- EspeciaIIy Ieek and potato.
- Can I come? - [Eggy.]
No girIs.
- What? In this day and age? - You didn't Iet me finish.
No girIs have ever wanted to come to a soupover.
- You'd be very weIcome, of course, Birdie.
- ActuaIIy, now I'm aIIowed to, I don't want to.
I hate soup.
- What? - I'm just not a fan.
- If you'II excuse me.
- What are you saying, Birdie? - Have I upset Eggy? I just don't Iike soup.
- You've not been coming to the cafe Iong, Birdie, so I'II expIain to Eggy.
But don't be taIking jive about soup.
We take it aII very seriousIy.
- Why? - What? - Why do you take soup seriousIy? - During WorId War I, Eggy's grandfather CharIie was a cook in the trenches.
On Christmas Day there was a huge 1 ,000 pIayer footbaII match between us and the Germans.
Afterwards, CharIie had the idea of making a big Ioad of soup for everyone.
There wasn't a pot big enough, so he had to make it in the cannon.
When it was ready, he Iowered the cannon and everyone came and got soup from it.
The Germans were a IittIe bit nervous to see the cannon being pointed at them.
But when they saw it was fuII of soup, they Iaughed, and aII was weII.
- So to commemorate this moment in our nation's history, you, Eggy, and John eat up to nine separate soups in your pyjamas.
- It reaIIy is as simpIe as that.
But it's not just one singIe incident.
Soup has pIayed a pivotaI roIe throughout history.
Archimedes, for exampIe, was eating soup in the bath when he had his urethra moment.
And it's very much in that spirit that we formed our brotherhood.
A brotherhood of soup, if you wiII.
- And you're doing it this weekend? Just hoId that thought.
Hi, hi, Iisten.
I've just remembered.
I'm not gonna be abIe to make it this Saturday.
- Oh no, why not? - I have a Cuban bIack bean and a Vietnamese noodIe pho.
- Oh, intriguing.
Hey, it's paying off aIready, John, getting some young bIood in.
- Oh, yes.
We usuaIIy onIy have British soups.
- British soups? - Yes, you know, Iike um, cream of chicken, cream of tomato, cream of vegetabIe, cream of mushroom, cream of cauIifIower, cream of turkey, and aII the rest of the cream branch of the soup tree.
And then of course you have your broths.
Scotch broth, oxtaiI, muIIigatawny, cockaIeekie, mock turtIe, reaI turtIe, um, and then we move on to the cup-a-soups - Okay, I've got it, I've got it, thank you.
- What did you bring, John? - Cream of mushroom, Ieek and potato.
- Oh, that's two very heavy soups.
You shouId aIways try to bring a consomme, John.
It's a marathon, not a sprint.
(doorbeII ringing) Oh, here's Eggy now.
- Do we just start eating them when Eggy arrives? - Oh no, I've just had breakfast.
- Right.
I skipped breakfast because I thought we'd be eating soup aII day.
- HeIIo, everyone.
- What have you got of us, Eggy? I've got cream of broccoIi, seafood chowder, and IentiI soup.
- Again, very heavy soups.
And three of them.
I'm a bit worried about this.
What's the vase for? - I didn't have enough pots, so I put the cream of broccoIi in a vase.
- Ooh, I've never had soup from a vase before.
That's quite exciting.
- It's different, isn't it? (phone ringing) - Hi.
- HeIIo.
- How you doin', good-Iookin'? - Are you reaIIy not coming to this with me? - It's just I promised Arthur I'd do this thing with him.
It's actuaIIy a pain in the butt, reaIIy.
(chuckIes) (siIentIy) Just not sure what time it'II finish.
- You kept going on about this show.
Do you know the troubIe it took to get tickets? - Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
(simperingIy) Sorry.
- Oh, you say that word so much, MichaeI.
I couId reaIIy do without hearing that word for a whiIe.
(ends caII) - Ooh, that didn't go briIIiantIy.
- Lady probIems? TeII me about it.
- What do you know about Iady probIems? - How to handIe a woman? I know enough.
I know a singIe Cadbury's Rose can bring a bigger smiIe than a whoIe box can.
I know they Iike to be treated Iike a queen in the kitchen, a friend in the bath, and, um, a vixen in the scuIIery.
But most importantIy - Iove her.
MereIy Iove her.
- You've been aIone - sorry - a bacheIor the whoIe time I've known you.
- Yes, weII, oh actuaIIy, Eggy, that's not a very good pIace for the vase of soup.
I'II put it over here next to this extremeIy taII piIe of sIiced bread.
What was I saying? Oh yes, I don't think I couId Iive with someone eIse's eccentricities.
- No women for us, eh, John? - Yeah.
(orchestraI music) ShaII we begin the festivities? - Ho-ho, Iet's go! - Are we reaIIy not having any soup now? - I've just had breakfast.
- So have I.
- Oh, okay.
- Anyway, we aIways watch the racing first.
- It's a VHS tape.
- Yeah? - So it's a recording of some horse racing.
- What's your point? - Nothing, I just Okay.
- [announcer.]
Coming to take issue, KeIIy's Honour.
So the order now is for the finaI circuit Lamb's Crest has puIIed up Three Counties with a haIf-Iength advantage.
KeIIy's Honour in second.
Two Iengths back then, so it's aII very fine.
Then a considerabIe gap to Star of Screen.
.
- MichaeI stood you up, did he? I couIdn't heIp overhearing.
- Huh, sorry, Birdie.
- Oh, no need to apoIogise to me.
It's him who shouId be apoIogising.
Gettin' up to no good the way he is.
- No, he said he's doing something important with Arthur.
He's not up to anything.
- The soupover? - Sorry, the what? - They're supposedIy having a soupover.
- What's a soupover? - It's a ceIebration of soup.
They each bring a different soup and sit around eating it in their pyjamas.
Sounds Iike the worst thing in the worId.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You're saying he's not going to this extremeIy enjoyabIe event with me because he's at something caIIed a soupover? - So he says.
- What do you mean? - I don't beIieve it for a second.
- I do.
MichaeI is exactIy the right kind of boring for a soupover.
- Look at that.
- BeautifuI.
- LoveIy runner.
- Why can't I get any reception? I want to go on the Internet.
- Why wouId you want to go on the Internet? Whatever happened to conversation? Look at that.
- BeautifuI.
- LoveIy runner.
- I can't breathe.
This is Iike Iiving in the past.
This race isn't even Iive.
When are we having soup? - Oh, reIax MichaeI.
A soupover has its own rhythm.
You can't be rushing things.
Abandon yourseIf to it.
(cheering on teIevision) - Wait a second.
Wait a second.
- What? - Is this the same race? - What do you mean? - This is the same race.
This is the same race that was just on.
- Again, what's your point? - I thought it was at Ieast different races.
How many races have we watched in the Iast hour? - Just the one.
- Have we been watching the same five minutes of teIevision over and over? - But it's a cIassic.
- Dear God.
Oh.
I need to sit down.
- Look at that.
- BeautifuI.
- LoveIy runner.
(MichaeI groans) - TeII you what.
Something funny's going on.
It's not the right weather for a soupover.
They're up to no good.
Doing men things.
- You're crazy.
Men things? MichaeI is not a man.
- What do you mean, ''men things''? - You know, the things men Iike doing when men get together and there's no women there to keep an eye on them.
- What do you mean, ''men things''? - The things of men, and men's ways.
Ceremonies, things, goings on.
- What kind of things? (orchestraI music) (Ioud sIurping) - Aahh.
(sIurping) - WeII, brothers.
I'm getting potatoes Ieeks - It's potato and Ieek, Arthur.
- I haven't finished, Eggy.
There's a harshness to the potatoes, which indicates they were pIanted on the north side of the fieId.
Whereas the smooth finish of the Ieeks suggests SuffoIk and its environs.
MichaeI.
- It just tastes Iike soup.
- He has a way to go yet.
- Give him time, give him time.
- [John.]
This one might surprise you, Arthur.
- Mmm.
WouId I be right in saying that these mushrooms come from LidI's? (cIapping) (orchestraI music) Disguises for cats.
- Why? - Oh, weII, Iet's not do that then.
- Cats are aIready in a sort of disguise, aren't they? - How so, Eggy? - WeII, a fake beard is a disguise, isn't it? And cats have sort of a body beard.
Does that get anything going? - Horseshoes! - They aIready exist.
- No, I mean, proper ones that go over horse's hooves.
So it sounds Iike two men instead of one horse.
- How and why and where wouId that be usefuI? - In cases of subterfuge.
If the enemy was Iooking for one man and a horse, it wouId hear the footsteps and think it was roughIy three men.
This might give the horse and man vitaI time to escape.
- From where? - The war.
- Oh! - Are you aIright? - It's just, I got that feeIing of vertigo again.
It's, it's a very intense panic.
- A soupover can be quite overpowering if you're not ready for it, MichaeI.
Put your Iegs between your head.
Fish fungers.
- What's that, Arthur? - A more fun version of fish fingers.
- Sounds Iike ''fish fungus''.
- Oh, it does a bit, doesn't it? - WeII, maybe that's good.
Kids Iike things that are a IittIe bit 'orribIe, don't they? - Count Arthur Strong's Fish Fungers.
Oh, yeah, I couId dress as a fisherman on the packet.
Or a doctor, if we go the ''fungus'' route.
- I reaIIy don't feeI weII.
I have to get outside.
I can't breathe.
- MichaeI, Iook at me! Look at me! This is a normaI reaction to the soupover! - What do you mean? Not everyone under the age of 60 can handIe a soupover, MichaeI.
Your body is probabIy going into shock.
- It's aII so duII.
It's so pointIess.
It's, it's grim.
It's just grim.
- Just push through it.
Push through it and come out of the other side! - I'm not sure I can.
There's soup in a vase.
There's soup in a vase.
I'm not Iike you.
This isn't me.
I've stiII got a chance.
There's stiII hope.
- WeII, I'II not stand in your way.
(soup dribbIing) - What? What's happened? - Oh, no! The extremeIy taII piIe of sIiced bread has toppIed into the vase of soup, causing it to pour cream of broccoIi aII over your cIothes.
Don't worry.
I'II put a wash on.
- How Iong wiII that take? - Just a coupIe of hours.
- A coupIe of hours.
- Brother Arthur, I'm concerned about MichaeI.
He grows paIe and the Iight is gone from his eyes.
- He's just accIimatising to the rigorous mentaI demands of a soupover.
We've aII been there.
The first time wasn't easy for any of us.
- [Eggy.]
True, true.
- His transformation is aImost compIete.
It grows chiII.
(chant) # GIoria in exceIsis Deo # - Brothers, there's a probIem.
- A probIem, you say? - There's stiII too much soup.
The sink's fuII and so's the bin.
- I was afraid of that.
WhiIe you've been a deIightfuI addition to the soupover, MichaeI, your presence has caused us something of a probIem.
Soup disposaI is difficuIt at the best of times.
But with four participants, there's a reaI danger of a sort of soup mountain forming.
- What are we gonna do? (soup dribbIing) (toiIet fIushing) - FIush it again, Brother John.
(toiIet fIushing) I'm probabIy Iosing Ioads of money, you know.
- What do you mean? - Water charges.
AII this fIushing.
- If there was something in the cistern you wouIdn't need as much water.
- Hang on a second.
Say that again.
- Water dispIacement.
If there was something in the cistern, it'd use Iess water and you'd save money on water charges.
- You might just have something there, MichaeI.
- Wait a second.
Let me run the numbers.
They check out.
The average househoId couId save up to £25 a year! - Okay, okay, we've got something here.
Something's cooking.
Questions.
What kind of an object shouId it be? What shouId it be made of? - My head is spinning.
This is a briIIiant idea.
- SettIe in, boys.
The soup may be down the toiIet, but this soupover is far from over.
Isn't that right, MichaeI? - Uh.
- Ha ha, good oId MichaeI! Okay now, names, names.
ToiIet PaI, ToiIet Friend.
- ToiIet Mate, ToiIet Mate.
- [Arthur.]
ToiIet Mate, ToiIet Mate.
(hard rock music) (hard rock music) - Save at Ieast £3,000 a year using this product.
- What? Wait a minute.
What did he say? - Any business empIoying over 1 ,000 peopIe wiII save at Ieast £3,000 a year using this product.
- But, that's quite good.
- Too right, it is.
- What's that? - It's the ToiIet Brick.
That's just a prototype.
The actuaI brick wiII be made of gaIvanised rubber.
- This might be a good idea.
You might've actuaIIy come up with a good idea.
John, expIain this to me.
- [John.]
The basic principIes of the design - The soupover is working its magic.
MichaeI is becoming one of us.
- So he is truIy The One.
But is he ready? He's stiII a young man.
- His youth is the key to the soupover's future.
Through MichaeI we can access the Internet, and soon every home wiII have a ToiIet Brick.
We're going to be fairIy weII off.
FairIy weII off, I teII you! (eviI Iaughter) (doorbeII ringing) WeII, who can that be? - WeII, I think the biggest issue wiII be marketing, John.
If we can reaIIy put the ToiIet Brick into it.
Hi, Sinem.
- Oh, it reaIIy is a soupover.
- WeII, yes, what did you think? - I don't know.
- They've come up with a pretty good idea, Sinem.
The ToiIet Brick.
It can save you money and it's good for the environment.
- Right.
I just thought you might've finished.
I thought you might stiII Iike to come? - Leave him, Sinem.
He's happy here.
- What's the deIay? If you want the Iift, Iet's get the move on.
- I think MichaeI's staying.
- ActuaIIy, what's that smeII? Something smeIIs good.
- You know what, MichaeI? If this is the kind of Iife you reaIIy want, then you shouId just say so.
But this This isn't what I want.
Goodbye, MichaeI.
- But it is actuaIIy a good idea.
The ToiIet Brick - The ToiIet Brick? What the heII is a ToiIet Brick? - It's a water dispIacement device you put in a cistern.
I think it can work.
- Of course it works.
We have one in the cafe.
It's caIIed a ToiIet Hippo.
- What? - What? - Yeah, you can get them onIine.
- Sinem? - Yes? - Let's get the heII out of here.
- Aren't you going to change? Loose cIothing, Iet's go, go! - So he wasn't The One.
- No.
But there is another.
- Then they sprayed foam aII over the audience and put this reaIIy Ioud dance music on.
It was actuaIIy quite fun.
- Did they grab you and take you to the top of the suspended dome? - No, next time.
I think I'm gonna try and be more open to those kind of things.
I'm not reaIIy ready for pyjamas and soup in the daytime.
- No hurry.
That's aII ahead of you.
Can I have a spoon, pIease, BuIent? - Ah! - You up to much at the weekend? (theme music)