Crashing (US) (2017) s03e04 Episode Script

1 - Hey.
- Whoa! Petey.
- What's going on? - What's up, buddy? Back from the - back from the college tour, right? - Yeah! Hey.
I'm, uh I'm back.
I don't care.
ALI: My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level.
We broke up.
JASON: Women, you don't have to shave entirely.
Otherwise, it just feels like another part of the thigh.
If I'm going into a rough neighborhood, - I wanna know it.
- Oh, boy.
- Hey, hey.
- Yeah? I think women are f funny.
Spread the word.
What am I doing wrong? No one in here knows that you are the next Kevin Hart.
I'm not the next Kevin Hart.
Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart.
We have a Kevin Hart.
He's perfect for the part.
I'm just a I'm a club guy.
Shouldn't we hustle? Show's at eight.
There might be traffic.
Easy, Pete.
There's no show without us.
That starts on the way down, baby.
It's an attitude.
You gotta You gotta own this thing, you know? Pete the middle act drives.
Didn't I tell you that? The middle act drives, baby.
- Come on.
- Okay.
When I was starting out, I drove Jay Mohr.
Had to listen to "Who Let the Dogs Out?" 17 times.
The guy was obsessed.
Never let them see you sweat, Petey.
You're gonna be doing this for years.
You gotta learn to relax a little bit.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I I wasn't really sure what to do next, but I'm kind of saying yes to everything.
That's good, man.
That's what you gotta do.
You gotta get up when you can get up.
You gotta grind it.
That's my thinking.
I'm even, you know, sort of considering doing this, um, Christian tour.
I mean, it's not it's not a certain thing.
They just I did a show at a temple.
A woman said, "I think you'd be good for the religious market," - so I have an offer, but - Fuck that! Pete, I meant When I said everything, I didn't mean everything.
I mean real comedy.
Real.
Not some fucking whacked-out Jesus shit.
Right.
Yeah, no.
I'm not sure I'm gonna do it, either.
Good.
You gonna buckle up? [SIGHS.]
You know, the statistics are in.
Come on.
[HEAVY METAL BLARING ON STEREO.]
Let's roll, Petey! Can the pestilence within you be bled out? May I have the honor of this amputation? Know that you have made an enemy To show you the meaning of indignity I live now solely for the pleasure of your slow decay - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- JASON: Oh! Hi-yah! Whoa.
Whoa.
This is it? This is it.
What do you mean, "This is it?" You never stayed at the Comedy Club condo before? No.
Is this your first club weekend, your first full weekend? Yeah, I've only done one-nighters, colleges.
You are gonna love this here, man.
This is not like the city, where they have a bunch of entertainment options and nobody really cares that you're there.
Here, they're grateful you just showed up.
Get ready, baby.
This is it.
Do you like waitresses, Pete? Uh, yeah, I like when they call me "Hon.
" That's fun.
What the hell are you talking about, Pete? Why would you ever get into comedy if you don't want to bang waitresses? Wow.
It's like an assassin's hideout.
This is a hot scene, baby.
I've got good memories here, believe me.
- Look who it is.
- ALI: Ah! - Al.
Hey.
- Hey.
What are you Are you working this weekend? Yeah.
I mean, yeah, I just saw the lineup.
We could have, you know, come up together.
Yeah, I wish I had known.
Hey, guys, let's get some ground rules down, huh? Road shit.
I sleep all day, so keep it down before four p.
m.
, unless, of course, I'm still sleeping.
Also, if you eat some of my food, I will eat all of your food.
That is the Chicago way.
Connery, Untouchables.
I'm gonna go take a nap.
If you hear any noises, I'm doing push-ups.
[AS ANDREW DICE CLAY.]
: Oh! [BOTH LAUGH.]
Wow.
- That, uh - Yeah.
that must have been a fun commute.
Did he bring a book of CDs with him? No, but he did think Spotify is a laundry app.
Who - I don't know.
- So many feelings, so many thoughts.
- Yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
I'm surprised to, you know, see you in deep Jersey.
Yeah, I, um I'm still running that, - that late-night set.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, I was working on it in the city, but I just kind of felt like I needed to get a new read on it.
- Oh, absolutely.
- Yeah.
You gotta make sure it works for, - you know, real people.
- Yeah.
- Uh, how are you? - I'm good.
Good, good, good.
I started, um I'm actually dating somebody now, so that's that's nice.
- Cool.
- Very nice.
Yeah.
Kat, her name's Kat.
Kitty.
- How's it going? - It's great.
- Yeah? - Yeah, it's going really great.
It's actually going so well, the only thing I worry about is how well it's going.
[CHUCKLES.]
Glad you could still find a way - to worry about it.
- Oh, yeah.
- [ALI LAUGHS.]
- That's my specialty.
- I'm like Anxiety MacGyver.
- Mm.
I can make a bomb out of even a good thing.
Mm-hmm.
Oh! Fun fact.
There's a lot of cheese in the fridge.
Like, whoever was here before just left all the cheese.
Great, I'm starving.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you seriously gonna eat the cheese? - No! - [LAUGHING.]
: I really thought you were! I do not want to eat Pablo Francisco's cheese.
[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER PA.]
You know they got a go-kart track on the second floor of this mall, Pete? Maybe we'll go.
- Can I help you? - What's up, man? - Can I help you? - Yeah, sure.
I'm the headliner.
I, uh, I'm the guy.
Okay, what's your name? Serious? My Jason Webber, I'm on the marquee.
I got a big fucking poster out front.
I have Jason Webber at the front entrance.
Have you seen the poster? Let me do the poster for him.
ALI: Mm.
That's the face he does on his poster.
- I do it right there on the poster.
- Do it again.
- Watch this.
- Look at this.
That's See? Sorry, man, I'm not a comedy fan.
- Follow me.
- [PETE SIGHS.]
Okay.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Here you go.
Okay, okay.
Nice.
It smells like leather.
Hey.
Hi.
Hello.
- I'm Gavin.
I'm the club manager.
- ALI: Hey.
Now, you met Steve.
Deborah's gonna be taking care of you.
What happened to Richie? Remember Richie? Richie was a great guy.
I'm sorry, I don't know Richie.
I don't have any idea what occurred here before the club was acquired.
The guy was a blast, a lunatic, but a great guy.
He used to keep his gun on the desk when we settled up.
- Yeah, hold on.
- It was a bit.
Uh-huh.
No.
Yeah.
Right, it's a boneless wing.
Right.
But no, it's a wing.
Right, so if you're looking for it alphabetically, it'll be under W.
Okay, I've got the running order here.
- Ali, you're hosting.
It's ten.
- Yeah.
We need, you know, big energy, bright.
Okay.
Yeah.
I'm just running a late-night set, so that's fine.
And here are the announcements.
Please read all of them.
A lot of info on there: social media, drink specials, upcoming events.
Even a couple jokes on there.
Oh, you wrote You guys wrote jokes for me to say? Yeah, just to make it easy on you.
Oh, that's really helpful.
Thank you.
Please read those verbatim.
They do work.
Cool.
- All right, Pete.
- Yes.
- You're our middle.
You'll do 25.
- Right on.
And you do 45.
Please keep to time.
There's a red countdown clock right at your feet.
You can't miss it.
Not a problem.
45, tight as a drum, wall-to-wall laughs.
I'm not prepping some late-night set that nobody's gonna see.
- Okay.
- ALI: Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Kid runs a tight ship.
- Dude, what the fuck was that? - What? Are you that insecure you have to tear me down in front of the manager? Tear you Oh, sorry, Ms.
Seth Myers.
You know, listen, I wasn't talking about your set specifically.
I'm talking about all of it.
- Mm.
- It's all bullshit.
If you were doing late-night, you wouldn't think it was bullshit.
Let me tell you something.
Late-night died with Letterman.
Late-night sets are now just YouTube videos with the Hyundai commercials you can't fucking skip.
That's what it is.
Nobody watches this shit anymore.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a billion fucking channels.
- Nobody sees it.
- Okay, all right.
Whatever.
[SCOFFS.]
[SCOFFS.]
[WHISPERS.]
: "Whatever.
" - [AUDIENCE CHATTERING.]
- ["LOVE SHACK" MELODY PLAYING.]
The Chuckle Shack is ANNOUNCER: All right, Chuckle Shack.
Are we ready for a great show tonight? [CHEERING, WHISTLING.]
Your host tonight is a very funny and talented comedienne.
Please give it up for the lovely and talented Ali Reissen! [CHEERING.]
Hello.
How are you guys? - [CHEERS.]
- Yeah? Okay.
- Clap it up for yourselves - [APPLAUSE.]
and these wonderful high ceilings.
It's so great to be here.
Oh, my God! I have to say, of all the clubs I've done in New Jersey between a Chipotle and a Target, this is the one I'm doing right now.
[LAUGHTER.]
I was told I have to do some of these announcements, so, um, here we go.
You can find the Chuckle Shack on social media.
You guys have social media? - Yeah! - Yeah! They are @TheChuckleShackComedy on Twitter, on Facebook, on Instagram, on Snapchat.
Okay, it's shocking they have a Snapchat.
Um, every Sunday this month at one p.
m.
there's something called Two-Milk Minimum.
It's family friendly comedy.
The show is so funny, you'll laugh till you squirt - [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
- milk out of your nose.
It's actually real.
That's actually written here for me to say.
All right, guys.
Well, it's so cool to be here.
I actually have some exciting news.
I am doing stand-up on television next week - on Seth Myers.
Yeah.
- [CHEERING.]
Would it be okay if I ran my set for you guys? - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Okay, awesome.
I'm just gonna get into it.
Okay, here we go.
I'm gonna do the whole Hey, guys.
Great to be here.
[CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Oh, my God.
My name is Ali, which is short for Allison.
Allison sounds way more sophisticated, right? Like, Allison could win a Pulitzer Prize.
Ali could win a free Blooming Onion for taking a tit out at Applebee's.
You know what I mean? It's a different It's a different vibe.
- [ALI CONTINUES OVER TV.]
- [PETE LAUGHING.]
Oh, stop.
She's doing good.
- If you're into that, I guess.
- I am.
Hey, guys.
I'm Deborah.
I'm gonna be your server tonight.
Can I get you anything right now? Oh, yeah.
Can I please have the Cedric the Enchilada? Amazing.
And for you? I'll have a couple of Heinekens and a shot, whiskey.
- Okay.
- Pete, whiskey? - No, I No.
- No? I I got to go up.
[SCOFFS.]
I'm traveling with Paddington Bear, I apologize.
Uh Okay, so couple of Heinekens and a shot.
Can I get you a shot? Shot of whiskey? Oh, no, I can't drink while I'm working the tablet.
It starts to get all blurry.
- Blurry tablet, okay.
Um - Yeah.
- All right, I'll, uh - So a shot for you? Yeah, just a shot for me.
- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah.
Oh, if you could chill it, please.
- Perfect.
Bye, guys.
- Thanks, Deborah.
Ah How 'bout that? Pays to be the headliner, huh, Pete? [LAUGHTER.]
I don't like it.
I don't like the museum.
It's boring.
I don't want to go.
When I'm at the museum, I'm not looking at paintings to appreciate them.
I'm staring at the painting, trying to figure out how long is appropriate to look at it, so when I walk away, the other people in the room aren't like, - "Well, he didn't get it at all.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
So I make a real serious face.
I'm like, "Mm-mm.
Look at the brush strokes.
Oh, yeah.
" But in my head I'm just like, Honey Nut Cheerios! [LAUGHTER.]
Have 'em for breakfast or lunch, you decide! It's not even a real song.
Give it up for Jason Webber! [CHEERING, APPLAUDING.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
All right! What's up, fucker? - [CHEERING.]
- I don't know.
Listen.
Sometimes stereotypes are just kind of a reality, you know? So, that's not racism, you know? It's pattern recognition.
I mean, if you want to go see a film in a quiet theater, steer clear of Harlem, you know what I mean? We're all a little bit racist, right? I mean, who hasn't walked onto an airplane, seen a Chinese pilot and thought, "I'm gonna buckle up a little bit tighter.
" - [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
- What do you want from me? I mean, I don't know how to be a man sometimes, right? I mean, I'm not sure how to approach a woman, how to approach a girl, you know? We live in a time where, uh, you know, we're all on thin ice.
I mean, I don't know I don't know how What am I supposed to say, right? I mean, what's more creepy than asking a girl whether or not you can kiss her? "Hey, do you mind if I, um - "I mean, I just wanna - [LAUGHTER.]
"I'd like to take this "this one and this one and uhh, uhh.
Could I uhh!" You know, "Do you mind if I use tongue? Could you " You know, I don't know how to talk to a girl.
And how are we supposed to get into actual sex? I mean, do you write out a form and say, "Hey, do you mind if we, uh, do a little fucking? "Would you Is it okay if I put it in missionary? How about dog-style?" Do I say, "Hey do you mind if I, uh, slip this in?" "Oh, okay.
" "All right.
" "Do you mind if I, um Is it okay if I pull it out?" "Okay.
" "And do you mind if I speed it up? "Do you mind if I Yeah! Oh, oh! "Was that okay? Sorry, I didn't know.
"Is it okay? Is it not okay? Is it okay? Is it not okay?" [CELL PHONE BEEPING.]
- Hey! - KAT: Hi! - Hi! - There you are.
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
- I miss you so much.
- I miss you, too.
- How was the show? - It was good.
I'm in a Comedy Condo.
I feel like I'm on a stakeout or in witness protection.
Hey, Pete, you're cutting out a little.
Sorry, can you hear me? - Um, yes.
Okay, yeah.
- There's like no cell service here.
- I think it's a Verizon community.
- [KAT LAUGHS.]
Um, but, yeah, I'm good.
How are you? Oh, I'm good.
It was a long day at work.
It was Yeah, it was just busy.
Now what? You got your pajama-jams on? Yeah, now I'm just in bed just thinking about you.
Oh.
I wish I was there.
Yeah? Why do you wish you were here? Yeah? Uh Um, well, uh This is fucking ridiculous.
Hello.
We just tore the club down and you're drinking tea? I'm drinking tea, and I'm pretty psyched about it.
Where's Pete? I think he's in his room.
What, am I on the road with the fucking Osmonds? Enjoy your chamomile.
Enjoy your push-ups! [DOOR CLOSES.]
[MUTTERS.]
: Fucking weirdo.
- I'm so deep right now.
I'm so deep.
- KAT: Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, fuck.
- How Are you close? - I'm fucking close.
- Yeah? - Are you Are you close? Yeah, I'm close.
I want you to Hold on.
Kitty, you're cutting out.
- Can you hear me? - Yeah, I can hear you.
- Can you hear me? - I'm close.
Are you close? - Yeah.
I want you to come.
- I'm so close.
- I'm gonna come.
Are you close? - Yeah.
- Yeah, do you wanna come for me? - Are we gonna come? I'm gonna come.
Come with me.
Come with me! Oh, God! [MUFFLED.]
: Oh, God.
Oh! [GRUNTS.]
[GASPS.]
[PANTING.]
Kitty, yeah, that was amazing.
Are you close? I'm Are you there? Can you hear? Are you close? Kat, I I'm done.
Oh, you Fuck, okay.
- I'm sorry, I thought you - No, I'm right there.
I'm right there.
- I'm so close.
- You're close? Yeah, just keep on talking to me.
- Talk dirty for me.
- Okay.
Yeah, talk about your hard cock for me, Pete.
It's a It's a sad scene down there.
Okay, just It looks like a cheese doodle in the rain.
Pete, no bits.
Don't do bits right now.
I just Okay.
I'm fucking I'm making you beg for my big hard one.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah? - I'm fucking you so hard and so deep.
- Uh-uh.
- Gonna wedge my soft one in there.
- Pete! - [LAUGHING.]
I'm just gonna Just give me a second.
No, no, no.
Don't I'm fucking you.
I'm fucking you, I'm sorry.
I'm fucking you with my Sorcerer's Stone.
- Pete! - Here comes my Goblet of Fire.
Stop! It's not funny.
I'm not I lost it.
I'm not I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, it's just, as soon as I come, you know, sex, like, it doesn't really make any sense.
I can't I'm really sorry.
No, it's fine.
I'm glad you came.
I'm gonna, um This is just like the sex shop all over again.
I'm s Shit.
I'm not in the mood anymore.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Kitty - Bye.
- [PHONE BEEPING.]
[LOUD KNOCKING.]
Petey! Come on, baby, let's roll! What the fuck? You don't want to get tea-bagged, do ya? We're going to the mall, bitch! Let's go.
Come on, Petey! We're gonna make it happen.
You're gonna love it.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Okay, good.
You're all here.
Um, I've been trying to get a hold of your manager.
I manage myself.
What do you think, I'm gonna pay someone ten percent to pick up a phone, maybe answer an e-mail? No, thanks.
Okay.
Well, I need you to middle tonight.
What are you talking about? I thought we had a nice flow.
We're gonna try something new.
Okay.
Hey, Pete, are you comfortable headlining tonight? - Uh, yeah, I can do 45.
- Okay.
What the fuck are you talking about? We received complaints about your set, okay? - Comment cards? - No.
Yelp.
- Yelp.
- Yes, Yelp.
We dropped a full half-star in one night.
We take that very, very seriously.
Yelp.
Really? You dropped half a star and you're gonna give these fucking jerk-offs the power? If somebody's a pussy, fuck 'em! Honestly, you should just be happy we're keeping you on the show at all, if you can tone it down.
If I can tone it Did you see that room? Who do you think packed that room? We papered the house.
That was our mailing list.
We gave them free tickets.
This is This is bullshit.
This This is bullshit.
- PETE: Jay - Uh-huh.
No, yeah.
Well, it is in the system under "open food.
" Hold on.
Yes? Um, I was just wondering if maybe I should headline.
'Cause, uh, I'm not trying to, like, overstep my boundaries.
It's just that I have more credits, and, you know, I didn't get complaints.
- [LAUGHS.]
So - Yeah.
Actually, the owner did have some suggestions for you.
Oh, really? Wa-Was he here? He watches on a livestream from Florida, so - Oh.
- Mainly, just the global note is just have more enthusiasm overall.
Have fun with it, you know, smile more.
Right? - Smile more? - Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
: Oh! Just did it.
I just feel like right now, it feels like you're pretending to want to read the announcements, and I want you to want to read the announcements.
- Right.
- You know, - you're excited about saying them.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
Great.
Good luck, everyone.
Have a good show.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Smile more.
Cool.
I'm sorry, Al.
And I thought you smiled just the right amount.
JASON: It's code, sweetheart.
It means they want a bubbly chick to open the show.
It's tits and teeth.
Dude, you just got demoted to middle.
How are you lecturing me? Tits and teeth, that's all you are.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Um, two drink specials tonight.
We've got the Chuckle Shackery and the Jack and Joke.
It's, uh Yeah.
And, uh, for an extra ten dollars, you can get it served to you in a laugh carafe.
You should definitely do that if you're utter trash.
[LAUGHTER.]
All right.
Well, now that I only have three minutes left, I guess I'll start my set.
I'm eating into the time as I speak.
Um You know, I think I'm gonna do some new material tonight.
- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
- How do you guys feel about that? I just have to say I don't get these idiots who don't understand the concept of consent.
They're like, "I have to ask if she wants a dick in her? Wait, what? That's gonna totally throw off my momentum.
" [LAUGHTER.]
You ask questions all goddamn day.
You go to McDonald's, you say, "Hi.
"I don't want pickles on my burger.
Can I make sure that there are no pickles on my burger?" It shouldn't be daunting to say to a woman, "Hey, can I put my pickle in your burger?" [LAUGHTER.]
She's torpedoing my act.
ALI: Women love questions.
- Right? They love them.
- [APPLAUSE.]
I get off on questions.
"Can I take you to dinner?" [MOANS.]
You know? "Do you wanna meet my parents?" "Yes!" You know? "Can I fuck you?" [MOANS.]
"Now you can!" Guys, this has been such a treat.
I'm gonna bring up your middle for the evening.
- Are you guys ready for your middle? - [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
Oh, my God.
That's so wonderful.
You're gonna love him.
He is a delight and a half.
Give it up for Jason Webber.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
What's up, fuckers? How about a hand for Ali Reissen? Or maybe a fist, that'll loosen her up.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
- [WOMAN GROANS.]
Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! [CHUCKLES.]
Anyway, um You know, listen.
Consent, you know.
She's "Oh, consent is so easy.
We all get it.
" I don't know, you know? I'm not sure we all do get it.
Right? I mean, it used to be you got it, you know? I mean Is there anything more creepy than asking a girl to kiss her? "Hey, do you mind if I put these on-on " [MURMURS.]
You know? And how we gonna make sex happen? Now you gotta ask outright, "Hey, do you mind if I put it in? "Hey, Sweet Pea, are we gonna do it missionary or dog-style?" [SCATTERED LAUGHTER.]
"Hey, do you mind if I insert?" - [GRUNTS.]
- [AUDIENCE SILENCE.]
"Do you mind if I insert this?" I mean And then her And then once you get it in, it's like, "Do you mind if I take it out?" And what about it when I put it in? Do you You know, what do I do here? - And, huh? I'm - [SILENCE.]
"I'm about to-to " and then, you know, like, "Where do I arc the load?" You know? I mean "Is it okay on your back? Should I just What if it hits you in the foot, you know? You gonna sue me?" - Huh.
- [SILENCE.]
- [JASON CLEARS THROAT.]
- [AUDIENCE MURMURS.]
Um [PANTING.]
: A female friend of mine Female friend of mine goes to Mexico to get, uh, get knock-off birth control because it's cheaper.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Do we really think that's a good idea? I mean there are a lot of Mexicans.
ALI [OVER TV.]
: love him, I promise.
Give it up for Pete Holmes! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Here you go.
- Hey, just the person I wanted to see! - Do you need anything else? - Did you see those dipshits out there? Yeah, that was rough.
- I'm really sorry.
- Oh! Anyway, do you have Did you get a shot as well? Um, no, that's okay.
I'm good.
Thanks, though.
Come on.
It's a tradition.
You know, I mean, you're the only one that seems to be any fun around here anyway.
- Um, no, thank you.
- All right.
On the clock.
I get it.
[PETE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER TV.]
Hey, Deborah, listen.
I'm at the Club Condo right up the street.
If memory serves, they got a bottle of tequila back there.
I think it's even the good stuff, might be a gold of sorts.
I, uh, um I was thinking, um You, me, you know.
Uh, sorry.
Do you need anything else from me? No, no.
I'm I'm not working.
I'm off tomorrow, which means you're off tomorrow, - which means we could really - Dude.
Come on.
Stop.
[SCOFFS.]
What? What do you mean? Come on.
You know.
Did you see that fucking crowd tonight? What, are we supposed to walk into the night alone? You know, I saw your lower-back tattoo.
I know what you like, dirty girl.
- Come here.
- Dude! Wake the fuck up, okay? God, that kind of shit? That's so over.
- Jesus.
- Okay, we got some wires crossed.
No, fuck you! Fuck you! Do you know what the worst fucking job in this whole club is? It's working the fucking green room, because you guys think that we all want to talk to you, and we don't! - We really don't.
- All right, okay.
So just leave me alone and let me do my fucking job.
- Okay? - I hear ya.
All right? I apolo Look, don't tell Gavin, would ya? Because, you know, I gotta work this club.
This is how I make a living.
- Besides, you hit on me in the first place.
- Oh, come on.
- This fucking - [DOOR SLAMS.]
PETE [ON TV.]
: get too comfortable swearing.
Recently told my doctor, I don't fuck with cheese.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING.]
[CRICKETS CHIRRING.]
PETE: Hey.
Do you, uh, you wanna go? - Yeah.
- You okay? Fuck No.
- I-I - It's just one weekend, Jay.
- It doesn't matter.
- You know they cut my pay? They paid me as the middle act both nights.
I'm sorry.
[LAUGHING.]
: Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
This shit used to be fun, Pete.
It used to be It used to be dangerous.
What do you think Bill Hicks would do if some broad complains? He'd give a fuck? He'd flick a cigarette at her tits.
- Well - No! It's like, if I were a fucking If I were a biracial lesbian doing the same material, that crowd would have carried me around.
They would've had a parade for me.
It's a shitty time to be a straight white guy, Pete.
Oh, my fucking God.
Oh, look who it is.
Samantha Bee, everybody.
- I mean, really, dude? - Really.
Come on, man.
It's a hard time to be a white guy? Have a little accountability, okay? You're not the victim.
And just because you're up there pacing around and wearing a leather jacket, doesn't mean you're telling it like it is.
Who gives a fuck what you think? I like leather, okay? - Jay - And I'll tell you something else.
You burnt my fucking premises.
You don't do that to another comic.
Okay, well, a comic does comedy.
What you did was hmm, let me think - hate speech? - Let me tell you something.
When we wake up from all this PC bullshit, we'll see what it looks like for you then, you fucking Nescafe, chamomile-sipping cunt.
You know what, Jason? You're a cunt.
I am sorry that you've been doing comedy for 15 fucking years and all you have to show for it is managing The Boston.
Twenty-two years! Twenty-two! Okay, um I think my Uber's here, so I'm gonna See ya, Pete.
Ah, look, you know It's gonna be fine.
Name of the game, right? I mean You come out to a club, it doesn't always go your way.
You take a little slap on the wrist.
You clean it up for a couple of months.
You're right back in the game.
[SIGHS.]
[EXHALES, GRUNTS.]
All right, you're driving.
Middle.
Middle drives, baby.
Grab your bag.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING OVER CAR STEREO.]
[VOLUME DECREASES.]
[VOLUME INCREASES.]
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING.]
PETE: Wow, thank you guys so much.
How are you guys doing? - [LOUD CHEERING.]
- Wow.
God is good! - AUDIENCE: All the time! - All the time? - AUDIENCE: God is good! - That's right! Clap for yourselves, everybody.
It's wonderful to be here.
- [CHEERS, APPLAUSE.]
- [GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING.]
- How I got over - How I got over - How I got over - How I got over My soul looks back and wonder how I got over - How I got over - How I got over - How I got over - How I got over My soul looks back and wonder how I got over - Just as soon as I see Jesus - Oh, yeah - The man who made me free - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - He was the man that bled and suffered - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah - Who died for you and for me - Oh, yeah I want to thank him because he brought me I want to thank him Because he taught me I want to thank God Because he kept me I'm gonna pray to God He never left me - I want to sing - Hallelujah - I might shout this evening - Troubles over I'm gonna thank Jesus For all he's done for me Oh, yeah - How I got - Over - Over! - Over! I'm excited to be on tour with you.
We can get room service and do drugs.
PETE HOLMES: It's a Christian tour.
And we're staying with my parents.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
My best boy in the whole world! Hello, Mom and Dad.
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! I'm so glad the Lord is using Peter's gift.
Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead.
Can you imagine if Jesus raised him and Lazarus came up like "Oh, man!" [AUDIENCE LAUGHS.]
What are you doing? She just told me to put on a bra.
Well, are you wearing a bra? It's not church, it's a comedy show.
In a church! [MUSIC CONCLUDES.]