Curb Your Enthusiasm s03e04 Episode Script

My this is really coming along here.
Hey, I'll take a Seven and Seven.
- What are you doing? - A little plumbing.
A little plumbing.
Got to plumb.
Plumb the depths the depths of hell.
What is this thing, marble, this bar? Yeah.
Ever schlep marble? You ought to try schlepping marble one day.
It's a schlep.
Okay, so you just sign these two, okay? - Lou-man.
- How are you? Good, how are you doing? I gotta talk to the meat guy, see you guys later.
Larry, hey, I am so glad you came in.
Hello, Hugh.
I have invited everybody all the other investors, over to my house for a pool party, and I had hoped to invite you and here you are.
- Everybody's going? - Yep, yeah.
- Terrific.
- And now you.
All right, all right.
Well, that's terrific.
Hopefully see you Sunday.
Hey, Hugh that sounds funny.
Didn't you tell me that you're the head of Mellon-Ritter Publishing? And you do "Bartlett's Quotations," right? That is the flagship of our fleet, yeah.
Okay, 'cause my friend, Richard Lewis, wants to get into "Bartlett's Quotations.
" He has a quotable quote? He coined the phrase, "The blank from hell.
" - That's his? - Absolutely.
It's been around for some time.
No, that's his.
"The blank from hell," yeah.
You know, like, the "woman from hell" or - The "mother-in-law from hell," yeah.
- Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, I will, I'll run this by my partner"The blank from hell.
" - Yeah.
- Look forward to seeing you Sunday.
Okay.
Hey.
How are you? - Good.
- So what's going on, man? - You going to his pool party? - Yeah, I am, yeah, I am.
Wearing a bathing suit? You going swimming? - Speedo.
Speedo.
- Speedo? Yeah.
Listen, I am bringing somebody there.
- Good for you.
- Yeah, Susie.
- Ah! - Yeah, yeah, I know Uh-huh.
Keep this under wraps, 'cause this is I shouldn't say anything 'cause this is not you can tell Cheryl.
That's it, okay? Susie's pregnant.
Yeah, so I'm moving back in.
I get to move back into my house, if the only thing that stinks is that stupid dog that I'm allergic to.
Other than that I'm very happy.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, it's all good.
It's very good.
Oh, yeah, it sounds great.
No, it is, it's really good.
It's good, trust me.
It'll all be fine.
Well, all right, welcome back to the married people's club.
Oh, we're all so happy.
I was saying to my wife, "You should let me date, because it'll bring us much closer.
I'll come home, we'll talk about the date.
You'll say, 'How did the date go? ' I'll say, 'Oh, I couldn't stand her, she did this and that"' the way you talk to a guy about it.
So we'd have a good laugh and then we'd have sex - and we'd have a good time.
- You and your wife would have sex? Yeah, after I told her about my date.
But what if you ended up getting laid from the date? I'd tell her about that too.
"We went back to her place, we had sex and I had to make up an excuse to leave and whatever.
" That's beautiful.
I like that.
- Perfect world.
- Yeah.
Hey, look at this.
- Aw-ww.
- "Going out of business.
" Where are we gonna buy our bread? Our favorite bakery.
What's going on? You guys are going out of business? - Yep, we just lost the lease.
- Oh, what a shame.
- I know, it's horrible.
- Oh, too bad.
We got here just in time, didn't we? We're still in business.
We're thriving.
Great.
All right, well, we need something for our little pool party.
Yeah, we need probably a cake, right? Mmm-hmm, sponge-cake.
Wait, wait, wait, are you kidding me? Nobody's gonna eat that.
This is the best sponge-cake in town.
I know what I'm talking about.
It's so moist, it's like eating a sponge.
Okay, listen, why don't we why don't we go with this one? It looks better and it's We'll get trust me on this one, okay? The sponge-cake.
Yeah, we'll take that.
We'll take it, but no one's gonna eat it.
- How much is that? - This is $12.
95.
- What? - $12.
95.
No wonder you're going out of business.
He's got some place here, Mellon, huh? You know, it's a little ostentatious.
- Oh, Jeffrey.
- This is so good.
- Unbelievable.
- Thank you.
It's like eating a delicious sponge.
"It's like eating a delicious sponge.
" Did I tell you? I haven't seen sponge-cake since my grandmother's mah jong game.
That doesn't mean it's not good.
- Where'd you get it? - They're going out of business.
But where, tell me? It's moot, they're going out of business.
- That's not moot.
- How's that not moot? - It's not moot.
- It is moot.
They're going out of business, Jeff.
What do you need to know? - It's not a moot point.
- All right, it's Butterman's.
That's a good bakery.
They're going out of business? - Yeah.
- That's a shame, those poor people.
Maybe they're retiring.
I don't know.
Anyway, where's the bathroom? You have to use the cabana.
They won't let you in the house.
What? No, they won't let you in the house.
They want people to use the cabana bathroom.
- Come on.
- He's special.
He thinks the rules don't apply to him.
- This is unbelievable sponge-cake.
- Jeff.
Hi, you having a good time? Oh, yeah, I just need to use the bathroom.
The cabana across from the pool, they have the restroom in there.
Can't I go in here? Sorry, I can't.
Outside sandbox only.
Straight over there.
There's plenty of toilet paper.
Why can't I go? I'm not wet or anything.
I'm not gonna dirty the house.
I'll wipe my feet.
I'd love to make a concession - An exception? - An exception.
But I can't, 'cause I'll get in trouble by Mr.
Mellon, so I know Mr.
Mellon.
I wouldn't worry about it, okay? - You know Hugh? - I know Hugh and it's no problem.
- I'll get in trouble.
- You won't.
I'll take care of the whole thing.
I really have to go.
- I don't want any trouble.
- There's no trouble, don't worry.
It'll take two seconds.
This is fine.
This is silly.
It's just a bathroom.
You're gonna go number one, right? - Yes.
I'll be done in two seconds.
- Just number one! - Larry.
- Hugh.
- Tell me you're enjoying yourself.
- No! Glad you could make it.
Larry, how did you get into the bathroom? I sweet-talked my way in there.
Nobody can turn down the David charm once I turn it on.
Do you know what I'd do if I had to go? Sprint and run her over.
Meanwhile, have you seen anybody from the restaurant here? Nope, nope, only us.
Ted Danson's not here? What about Michael York? No, we're the only idiots to accept these invitations.
- Yeah.
- Right? Nobody from the restaurant? I can't even believe it.
- Why did we have to come? - We came, we're good this way.
"Oh, hello, Johnny.
" What? Look what's going on with this kid.
Wow.
Honestly, it's huge.
It's bigger than mine.
He's got a bigger penis than me.
Isn't that Hugh's kid? Oy vey is mir.
Let's just go.
Let's just go.
- Go? It's circus freak show.
- Circus freak show.
You know what? Cheryl's right, let's go.
It's like a freak show We got a freak show here.
Where are you going? Please, it's not funny.
Gee.
That's it right there.
All right.
This is unbelievable.
What? They stuff you in like sardines here.
The guy deserves to make a living.
This is gonna be a great lunch.
Look at this.
Relax, man, just relax.
I can't even talk.
You can't say anything.
Direct it right to me.
It's like having a "whisper lunch.
" - It's a whisper lunch.
- Like the Mafia thing.
I have a dental appointment tomorrow at 3:00.
Hey, I spoke to the Hugh Mellon guy.
- You spoke with him? - I spoke to him about your quote, "The blank from hell.
" And he's interested.
He'll talk to his partner.
- Really? - Yeah.
You might get into Bartlett's.
Number one, this lunch is on me.
It's about time I get credit for this thing.
- Absolutely.
- But the right way.
So he's, he actually He's positive? Does he feel good that it's me? He actually knew of the quote, but he didn't really attribute it to you.
He just thought it was He didn't attribute it to me? That really pisses me off that I don't get credit for that.
Absolutely, I don't blame you.
And at the pool party I told him about your special.
Right.
And I invited him to the HBO screening tomorrow night.
So he's gonna come if it's okay with you.
Yeah, I'll be able to milk him a little bit.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
No, that's cool.
Have you been getting all this? - Been getting all this? - I'm eating my lunch.
This is the lunch from hell.
What did you say? I'm saying, this is the lunch from hell.
Where'd you hear that expression? - Girlfriend? - You see what I mean? This kills me.
Okay, guys, so what happened at Alsace? Alsace, s'il vous plaît.
- "Alsace," whatever.
- He doesn't want to work with us.
I saw that.
What did you see? I had a little problem with this woman and her husband who kind of came after me and What about Ted's guy? What about Josh? Josh cooked a beautiful meal, but Larry didn't like it.
It was a little saucy, a little saucy.
- We have no chef? - No chef.
- How long? - We open in two weeks.
We basically stopped looking after we got Randy.
So we're back to square one.
You got arms on your chair? You've got arms on your chair.
Look at that.
- What? - One second.
- I got no arms, what is that? - What are you doing? I'm just getting a chair with arms.
Larry, what are you doing? You want to focus? We're in this mess 'cause you took our chef for your own little personal party.
At least I was at the pool party yesterday.
I'm trying to be part of this thing.
- The what? - I had a pool party yesterday.
Jeff and I were the only ones who showed up.
It was a little embarrassing, yeah.
I think you all owe him an apology.
I told you I couldn't make it.
I'm glad you had a good time.
Hugh, I'm sorry, I wrote the wrong date in my book.
I was tied up at the last minute.
We have no chef.
It was a good party.
We had a great time.
Thank you for coming.
Enough about parties, what about chefs? We need to take responsibility for getting a chef.
Absolutely.
Make a concerted effort together, please.
When I need a new editor I get him, beg, borrow or steal.
I go out, raid, get we need to do that with a chef.
I was in this restaurant the other day, it was a coffee shop.
And for some reason I had a side dish of applesauce.
I have to tell you it was really fantastic.
It was so tasty.
And I'm thinking they never serve applesauce in restaurants and it could really be if and when the time comes for us to be thinking about stuff like this as a side dish.
We're gonna write that down.
Very helpful.
When you look for your chef, Make sure they know a little about applesauce.
You buy it at a supermarket.
It comes in a jar.
We should consider it for the menu.
Encourage people even.
I think we're good, I got to go to a meeting.
Everybody's gonna look, right? If anyone finds anything out, call.
It's a very underrated side dish, that's my point.
It's an underrated side dish.
Did you really just sign Sarah Jessica Parker to a recording contract? Yeah, why not? I want to show solidarity, but otherwise It's gonna work out.
Don't worry about it.
It's only money.
Big deal.
Yeah, my money, Larry.
See you later.
- Excellent.
- Love to meet with you, Hugh.
- Bye bye.
- All right.
Thank you so much for coming.
Oh, please, we had a wonderful time.
It's too bad these other schlubs couldn't - They missed a good party.
- Yeah, they sure did.
The weather worked out, it was great.
It was a little rude on their part, I thought.
I don't care.
So at the pool yesterday, I saw your son.
The kid's got some penis on him.
He's pretty good.
What are you saying? Your son, his penis.
What are you saying that to me for? Hey, it's a compliment.
What's the big deal? What's the "compliment"? How is it bad? He's got a nice, big penis, so what? I'm not talking about your wife's tits.
This is rude.
You could say my wife has nice tits as long as it's complimentary.
Come on, Hugh.
Hugh, not "you," Hugh, okay? H-yoo Hugh.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
You remember Martine, the Mellons' nanny? From the pool party.
Yeah, she's having a bit of a problem.
A problem, I'll say.
Mr.
Mellon fired me.
It's my suitcase, it doesn't have wheels.
Oh.
So she came over here.
It seems that one of the guests felt the cabana bathroom was beneath him and made his way into the main house.
How did he find out? Margarita the cook.
She's got a problem with me.
She told that I was the person that let the guest in.
- She squealed on you? - She ratted! - And he fired you? - And he fired me.
Of course I remember what you said about, you know, you would be responsible if anything happened.
Did you tell him that it was me? No, I don't "dime," I didn't dime.
So I remember when I let you in, you said, "If there's any problem," I think, "I'll take care of it.
" So here I am.
I'm gonna have to hold you to that 'cause I don't have another job.
So I am homeless.
- Except I don't stink.
- Okay.
Your home is big.
You know what, Martine? I bet Mr.
David can do something about this situation.
- I hope so.
- Yeah.
Is there any way that you could maybe talk to Mr.
Mellon and straighten things out? Because I think if you spoke with him, I don't know he would take me back.
I'm a pretty good nanny.
- All right.
- I brought my suitcase so if there's any problem, I can just stay here.
There won't be a problem.
- Larry will take care of it.
- Oh, I hope so.
Ahem well that's a really good idea and ordinarily I would, but Hugh and I have had kind of a falling-out.
What happened? Well, I was in the restaurant earlier and we got to talking about the party.
I happened to mention that I caught a glimpse of his son's penis and How about that thing? It's huge! - It was the wrong thing to do.
- It probably was.
Anyway, like I was saying, it's gonna be difficult to talk to him.
Why would you do that, Larry? I took a risk.
You know what? I think you won't have a problem finding another job.
People in this town love nannies.
- They need them.
- Yeah.
I'll need Mr.
Mellon as a reference if I get another nanny job.
He was my only reference, that was my first nanny job.
- Oh.
- What did you do before that? Before that, I worked at Magic Mountain in the "Looney Tunes" Lodge for 15 years.
It's where the "Looney Tunes" characters would come out and sign autographs for kids.
You know, Jeff and I went there once with his daughter.
- You did? - I went in there.
And that song, that theme is played - They play it all the time.
- It was fun.
Can I talk to you in the kitchen for just a second? Sure.
I told you not to use that bathroom.
Why did she come over here? Obviously she thinks I'm responsible for getting her fired and has no place to go.
She brought her suitcase, did you see that? - I saw it.
- She thinks she's staying here? I don't know what she thinks.
I don't want the nanny from hell in my house.
Where did you hear that "the blank from hell"? That expression? My dad used to say it all the time.
You know, everything was "from hell.
" - No, see, that's Richard Lewis'.
- It's not Richard Lewis'.
My dad has been saying that Richard Lewis coined that, Cheryl.
The point is, I do not want her here, okay? You wouldn't believe what she's been telling me for the last 20 minutes.
She's full of non-sequiturs.
She tells me she likes to pet horses.
She enjoys a good corn dog.
Enjoys a good corn dog? She takes baths with her socks on.
Honestly, she's got a screw loose somewhere.
She's maybe a little eccentric, but she seems harmless.
Wait a second.
Jeff needs a nanny.
Susie's pregnant.
Their nanny just left.
- Susie's pregnant? - I haven't told you.
She's pregnant.
That's why he moved back.
But they're looking for a nanny.
- You're not gonna suggest her? - Well, why not? You know nothing about her.
She was a good nanny.
She didn't get fired for being a bad nanny.
She got fired for letting me use the bathroom.
If they don't like her, they don't have to use her.
Right, they could meet her and We're doing them a favor.
This is a win-win situation.
Win-win.
You know, we gotta stop off and get some sponge-cake.
- Okay.
- It's my friend's birthday.
- I'll buy him sponge-cake.
- There you go.
- You like sponge-cake? - Who doesn't? How many sponge-cakes do you have left? I have a dozen left.
- A dozen? - Yeah.
Okay I'll take them all.
- Okay.
All of them? - Yeah.
I don't have any more boxes.
That's okay.
Put them in Saran Wrap or something.
- I can do that.
- Okay, great.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey! What are you doing? Take it easy.
They're free.
- Here, get the bell.
- I got my hands full too.
Look at me.
- Hello.
- Hi! This is Martine, the nanny I was telling you about.
Hi, Martine, I'm Susie Greene.
What the fuck is this? What are these? - Oh, sponge-cakes.
- What do you mean, sponge-cakes? It's a birthday present for Jeff.
Larry, he's not fat enough as it is? He needs this many? This is ridiculous.
It's from Butterman's.
They're going out of business.
The sponge-cakes from the party he loved so much.
He loved it so much to have a slice, not 25.
How many are there? It's ridiculous.
- They can last five years.
- What, am I gonna freeze them? They're not even in boxes.
Where are the boxes? They're out of boxes.
They only had Saran Wrap.
So they wrapped them up and you brought them here? You don't understand.
They're going out of business.
Larry, he's gonna explode.
He's fat! never going to be made again, this is it.
I understand.
Should I care? - Hey, congratulations.
- Congratulations on what? The baby.
Congratulations.
How did you know about that? - A big bird told me.
- You knew I was pregnant? - What? - Jeff told you I was pregnant? - Well, I didn't - It's bad luck! - In the first three months - That's a silly superstition.
And you told her? I don't even know her.
Who the hell is she? It's not your fault - I didn't tell you - Yes, you did.
You know what? All right, look, why don't you come in and we'll have a little interview? You look like a lovely woman.
This might work out I don't know what you want me to do.
I have no place to put them.
I don't have a freezer that's adequate for this.
Put them down in the kitchen.
Put them in the kitchen.
Martine, dear, come in.
- Okay.
- Okay? - How are you doing? - I'm nauseated.
It's gonna be great.
It's gonna be great.
You already did it.
It's not a live performance.
It's already you already filmed it.
You're gonna sit there.
It's good, I've seen it.
- HBO likes it, right? - Yeah, they do like it.
So there you go.
Are they here now? No, they don't come.
No, they see it in their private homes.
"The privacy of their homes"? Is that the proper way of saying that sentence? You know, you're like an English language cop.
It's unbelievable.
By the way, I was thinking, maybe you can introduce me to that Bartlett's guy.
Maybe I could schmooze a little bit before the special.
Yeah, well, there's a little problem with that.
What do you mean? I don't know if you'll get that quote in.
- I'm not sure anymore.
- Why? He talked to him about the penis.
- I broached the subject.
- Why would you do that? I was just curious.
- Now I'm not gonna get in.
- Not the Bartlett's.
You're kidding, is she okay? You should never have brought it up, Larry.
Fuck.
All right, I'll be right home.
Your nanny attacked Susie.
What? Is she okay? Hey, do you want me to? This whole night is turning out to oh, Christ.
- Don't worry, we'll call.
- Should I go? - I can't watch this now.
- Go? If you leave me now, I collapse.
You "clapse"? Yeah, I'll collapse.
What's wrong with yeah, I mean - I need you here.
- You say it the same way I do.
- "Collapse," I say.
- No, "C-L-A-P-S-E.
" You don't say "co-llapse," you say "claps.
" - Who's that? - That's the kid.
- That's the "porn baby"? - That's the porn baby.
Why is the porn baby here? Because he fired his nanny.
He doesn't have a nanny.
He has to take care of the kid now.
I don't want a little kid watching my specials.
His father's here too, so I guess he decided to come.
I don't want a baby in the screening.
That's a good sign for the quote.
He's here, he came.
Oh, Christ, that really was great, but it's too much and it threw me.
Shh, shh, shh.
I took some time off and I was a little burned out.
- I hate this show.
- It's a grown-up show.
I have to sit through your cartoons, you watch this one.
- I want popcorn.
- It's not that kind of theater.
- I want a soda.
- Hey, shh.
Shh, yourself.
You shush.
Shush! - You shh, "poopyhead.
" - No, you shush, dodo brain.
- You're a dodo brain.
- You're a dodo brain.
No, these are all new and improved dysfunctions.
- I want to go home.
- As soon as it's over, we'll go home.
- Shh, quiet.
- You be quiet, big nose.
- Look who's talking.
- Don't talk to my kid, okay? Why don't you get Uncle Miltie out of here so we can watch this? - You're stupid.
- You're stupid.
- You're more stupid.
- You're much, much stupider.
- No, I'm not, you are.
- No, you are.
Don't speak to us again, all right? I'm warning you.
He wouldn't be here if you didn't fire that nanny.
I wouldn't have had to fire her if some asshole didn't bribe her.
Fuck h-yoo.
Fuck you.
Fuck Hugh! Hugh! Hugh! Everything okay? I called three times last night.
I haven't checked the messages.
I've been unbelievably busy.
- How is she doing? Is she okay? - Go up and ask her.
- Is the baby? - She's upstairs.
Go up and ask her.
Superstition she was right, you never should have told me.
Larry, come in.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry about the nanny and everything.
Larry, that nanny, she was a sicko.
She was a mental case.
She was sick.
What, the nanny? Oh my God.
- She was mentally ill.
- I didn't know anything about that, or I'd never have recommended her.
No, of course.
Why would you send me a sicko? Why would I do that? That would make me deranged.
Well, she needs to be put away, this woman.
Well, what happened? I left Sammy alone in her room watching TV.
All of a sudden, she starts screaming.
Mommy! Mommy! I ran in the nanny is like watching some "Looney Tunes" cartoon - and went crazy.
- Oh, yeah.
You know why? She worked at that "Looney Tunes" Lodge for 15 years and she kept hearing that song over and over.
Yeah, yeah.
She must have snapped from hearing it.
Larry, she went crazy, I'm telling you.
- She started going wacky.
- What did she do? She starts fighting with me.
She grabbed my arm.
She starts pulling me back and forth.
All of a sudden, I'm fighting with this crazy woman.
I mean, physically fighting.
Next thing I knew, we were out on the deck.
Out on the deck? Yeah, like struggling and fighting.
Oh my God.
And then what happened? She pushed me over the rail.
This crazy woman pushed me over the rail.
She was trying to kill me! Well, how Here's the thing, Lar.
My fall was broken by