Dan Vs. (2010) s03e04 Episode Script

Ugh! Ahh! No no no no no no! Aw come on! Ugh! Hey! Watch my new finishing move.
(from tv) (bloodcurdling scream crunching sound) (from tv) (horrific vivisection) Oh! Oh, oh Gross! (elise laughs) Yeah.
Want to play again? Never.
Chris, we're going.
Hey, Dan, want to play "Medieval Disagreement?" Chris isn't giving me much competition.
His heart's still beating I don't have time to humiliate you right now, Elise.
Chris and I need to go beat up my mechanic.
Mechanic Mike? Why? Because I brought my car in for its yearly oil change, and he broke it! What's wrong with it? I don't know, he said the mandibular forceps were loose or something.
That's not a real thing.
Whatever.
More importantly, Mike said the repairs would be done three days ago, and it's still not ready! This will not stand.
We chain his feet to the floor, and his arms to the car lifter thingy-- The rack? Is that what it's called? Appropriate Mike's been pretty amazing to you over the last few years.
He doesn't even charge you for fixing your car, just for the parts he uses.
Yeah, he says he likes working on "off brand" Filipino cars.
So if he takes an extra day or two fixing your car this time around, I think you should just let it slide.
Ahem! Dan, I was just about to call you.
Is my car ready? No.
While I was under the hood, I noticed a couple of more things that needed fixing.
Here.
Ahh! Ow! We're leaving.
Ah! (coughing) Dan?! MECHANIC!!! Whoa, that's bad.
You did this, you swindler! I was trying to tell you something like this could happen.
Now if we can calm down and discuss this like rational adults I will drown you in barbecue sauce and have Chris eat your body! You shouldn't just automatically assume I'd be up for that.
You are so selfish! There's no "I" in "friend," Chris.
Hey? You want me to fix your car or what? Absolutely not! Since it appears my friend has developed a sudden aversion to cannibalism It's not "sudden!" then I will simply have to take my business elsewhere.
But you know anyone else will charge you twice what I do.
Arrgghh! Blocked at every turn! Maybe we can take it to the dealer? The closest one's in Manila.
And it closed twelve years ago.
Oh.
Can you even fix this? Sure, but it's not going to be cheap.
The thromdibulator's shot, and I can see from here it took the Oscillation Overthruster with it.
You see? Well, sure.
Any child could see it's the thromdibulator.
There's no such thing as a thromdibulator.
I knew it! Come on, Chris.
We're going back to the mechanic's.
Oh, no.
Elise, you're coming with us.
I need a second opinion on my car.
As much as I like to be invited along for a fun evening of breaking and entering, I think I'll pass.
Come on! All I need you to do is look at my car, and tell me that I'm not crazy.
I can do one of those things.
Then let's get moving.
Wait, did I just agree to something? Welcome to my world.
Getting in should be easy enough, but what to do about the dog Chris, give me your bacon.
What bacon? Chris keeps emergency bacon in his wallet.
I thought you didn't know about that.
All of it.
That's just disturbing.
(dog barks) Good boy.
Who's a good boy? Sit! All clear! (dog sniffs & snarls) Aahhh! The dog stole my wallet! Strange, you gave Elise all of your bacon Or did you? No.
Let that be a lesson to you.
Well? Hm, I'm only an amateur mechanic, but-- I'm pretty sure this isn't a regulation starter.
It looks like a cake mixer.
It is a cake mixer.
In fact, Dan, a lot of your engine has been replaced by common household appliances.
And I think your "timing belt" is just a long piece of ribbon.
But why would he do this to me? We've always had this great relationship where I bring him my car and he fixes it for virtually no money.
Yeah, why would he mess up a sweet deal like that? Hey! Guys! Did you hear that? Hide! Dude, your wife exploded.
Elise? (elise o.
s.
)(whisper-shout) HIDE! What are you guys doing in my shop? When I said "hide," TWICE, how could I have made that more clear? Hey, where's my dog? Don't you play the victim with me! We can go back and forth all night about who set who's dog free-- You did what?! --but I know you've been replacing my engine with junk! You got me.
All right, Dan.
After this weekend, I'll fix your car up the right way.
You fix it now.
I can't order the parts until some money comes in.
Which happens this weekend.
Now please leave me alone.
I'm taking this cake mixer.
If you find your dog, I WOULD like my wallet back.
(phone rings) Is he out yet? I've been in here for hours.
My legs are numb.
Hey, WE wanted to go home.
You were the one who said we had to find out where he's going.
Wait, he's coming out.
Ah! Finally! Ah! Legs! Okay.
I'm at a warehouse, I think near the docks somewhere (elise o.
s.
) Yeah, we know.
How did you guys get here? We followed the car.
So if you did that, why did I hide in his trunk? We wondered the same thing, but you told us to mind our own business.
And you should! (cheering) Do you guys hear Cheering? (ding) (cheering) Where are we? Golly.
Is that Mechanic Mike.
This is AWESOME! So he's got money and time for this nonsense, but not to fix my car?! Oh, he's a dead man.
Maybe sooner than later.
All right! All right! You win! (bell rings) (loud cheering) Come on.
Let's go kick him.
He looks hurt.
Good! There you are! Chris, prepare your jaws of death! For the last time, I'm not eating anyone.
Because it's gross.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
All, right! Wait, are you crying? Yeah.
Uh Okay, look.
I'm here to pummel you, and for some reason I feel weird about doing that while you're crying, so could you stop? Oh, sure.
I'm- I'm sorry about that.
Thank you.
Hey, uh maybe if you could just put Dan's car back together, we could all forget this awkwardness.
I'd be willing to accept that.
I can't.
I don't own my garage anymore.
Or I won't as of Monday morning.
When we started the Giant Mechanized Robotic Suit Pugilism Society, it was about fun.
Just a bunch of guys and girls, creating robotic suits of armor from car parts and fighting in an arena.
Like you do.
But then the betting started.
You got sucked in.
Addiction runs in my family.
My mother fought a lifelong battle with chocoholism.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Before I knew it,I was overcharging customers, stealing parts from their cars Mechanics.
If I had won tonight, I'd break even and I could quit the sport forever.
Now I'm going to have to sell my garage.
I actually feel kind of bad for you But I feel worse for me, since I have no car now.
Hey, there's another fight on Saturday.
We are so going.
How much are season tickets? Elise, your senseless nattering has given me an idea.
We enter Saturday's fight.
We win, you break even, and fix my car.
I don't have a robo-suit.
We can build one out of my car.
If we don't do this, it's never going to get fixed again anyway.
But I can't fight.
Not with a busted wing.
That's right.
You'll have to train someone to use the suit.
Ooh! Me! Me! No.
Chris.
What?! Have you ever seen him play video games? She's got a point.
Plus, I don't want to.
Look, whoever's in that suit could get hurt.
Badly.
And Chris heals quicker than anyone I know.
He'll get killed out there, Dan.
You have to let me.
I'm sorry, Elise, my mind is made up.
This is my plan, it's my car, and I say Chris is fighting.
Chris doesn't want to! Can I at least be the alternate? If something happens to him? I'll help you build the suit.
Deal.
Is anyone going to ask my opinion about this? Okay, we only have a few days, so what I propose Don't eat that.
You're in training.
Come on, Chris, pick up those feet! One-two-one-two! Andrest! Whew.
You're doing great, Chris.
Thanks to my coaching, of course.
I'm starving.
I got you a special treat, buddy.
Because you've been working so hard.
Bacon! All right! (furious snarls) (biting noises) Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh! There you are, boy! Uh-oh.
Chris, are you okay? I feel terrible.
He'll be fine Eventually.
Looks like we're going to need a new pilot.
Don't worry, guys.
I'll win this thing.
No, Elise, you won't.
Because I'M going to fight.
We agreed that I was the alternate! And you still are.
Dan--! There's too much riding on this, Elise.
We've got to put our best foot forward.
And you think that's you?! I have piloted every kind of machine known to man at one time or another.
I have-- Here's what you sound like.
"Mamina mamina mamina helicopters.
" Look, you're working for Team Dan.
Which means Dan calls the shots.
Is your name Dan? No.
It is not.
Then let's get back to work, shall we? We have some major assembly-- Ow! Team Dan will be sorry.
Who needs Elise anyway, right? Uh sure.
Looking good! (crash) Or, we're in trouble.
Elise was working on the arms.
She had all the schematics, knew how everything fit together All right, I'll go talk to her.
She owes me an apology anyway.
Elise? Hey, Dan.
She's not here.
(video game voice) (impotent fury) Agh! I just can't get the hang of this! (video game voice ) (you are victorious) How did you do that? I spent my formative years playing video games.
When I wasn't watching television.
It's a full life you've led, Dan.
So where's Elise? I've decided to let her back on Team Dan.
I don't know.
She hasn't been around.
And why are you home, sitting on your couch, when you should be helping me? I'm recovering from my injuries.
Nonsense.
I need you in my corner.
Let's go.
For that little "bursting into flames" problem that we can't seem to get rid of.
You sure you're ready? All that time I spent watching B-grade sci-fi movies about giant robots, who knew I was actually training for this day? It's missing one thing, though Now we're ready.
Don't forget, the left arm's not attached by much more than our sincere good wishes.
Don't get hit on your left side.
No problem.
Don't worry, Dan.
If there's one thing I learned from video games it's that dying just means you can start over.
Who am I fighting, anyway? The Widowmaker.
Cool.
What name is Dan fighting under? Uh "Dan.
" Can you tell meanything about this Widowmaker? Nope.
Must be new.
I knew we should have let her play.
Now who do I root for? Me of course! I better go talk to her.
Hey, gorgeous I can only assume you're here to throw the fight so Mechanic Mike can get his garage back? I'm here to destroy Dan.
Any chance you'd consider-- No.
Well, I tried.
Never mind that now.
Chris, I need some inside information.
What are Elise's weaknesses? She's hyper-competitive and completely without mercy.
Great.
Thanks for that.
(bell sounds) Guess it's showtime.
(cheering) You want to give up now, or commence with the Dan-beating? I am going to enjoy pounding you into oblivion.
The only thing you're going to enjoy is eating your meals through a straw.
Just don't hurt each other! (bell dings) Oh, man Come on, Dan! Crush her! Gently! (crunching sound) (metallic wrenching noise) Ooh.
that was the good arm.
Guess it was worth a try.
Uh.
.
Ugh! Ooh! Ahh! Is-- that-- all-- you-- got?! Aaahhh! Surrender now, or I finish you! Never! (cough) Go Dan! Is that even legal? I don't think it's in the rules, one way or the other.
What's he doing now-- oh.
RRrraaahhh! Now that CAN'T be legal.
Judges haven't stopped the fight (bell dings) (loud cheering) Ha ha ha! Dan won! And they're both alive! You know, Dan, you put up your car, you won the fight.
Technically you could have owned this shop.
Keep it.
What would I do with a mechanic shop? Besides, crushing Elise was reward enough.
You got lucky, you little--! Whoa, whoa! All's well that ends well, right? And trust me, better to get out before you get hooked.
Thank you, Dan.
You saved my business.
You don't have to thank me, Mechanic Mike.
But you DO have to fix my car whenever it breaks, and never charge me a penny.
Huh.
Guess I forgot to-- (boom) Yea, that's the thromdibulator (dan o.
s.
) mechanic!!