Derry Girls (2017) s03e04 Episode Script

1 Merciful Jesus.
The sly bitch.
We'd like to report a crime.
Right.
Just now, Jenny Joyce's singing.
Being really, really, REALLY bad at something isn't actually a crime.
No, Sister.
When we went on that retreat with Father Peter, he asked us to write something about faith.
Oh, thank Christ I had pneumonia that weekend.
We wrote that song, Sister.
Jenny stole it! You may speak.
Oh, no.
O-Of course.
Leave it to me.
Is everything OK, Sister? My aunt just died.
Oh, no.
We're so sorry, Sister.
Don't be, girls.
She had been ill for a very long time, and also she was an absolute arsehole.
Well, if there's anything we can do.
Aye.
The hospice want to release the body, but the house is a tip.
The woman was a desperate hoarder.
I doubt we'd fit the coffin in.
Once you pass the border, it's pretty straightforward, but if you hit Gortahork, you've gone too far.
I need it done by tomorrow.
Are you asking us to go to Donegal and clean your dead aunt's house? I'd do it myself, but .
.
I don't want to.
How will we even get there? You can take the school van.
I'm not sure about this.
I must say, Clare, I find YOUR attitude shocking.
Sister Michael has asked us to do something in her hour of need, and if that means that we must spend a night in Donegal, in a house, in an adult-free house, for the entire night, then that is a cross that we'll just have to bear.
That's settled, then.
We had plans tonight.
We can turn our jeans into hot pants any day of the week.
We're talking about a free house here, Clare, a free house.
We're gonna be drinking, dancing and riding.
Quick question on the old riding front there.
Go on? Who exactly will we be doing that with? Young, hot farmers.
Donegal is coming down with them.
Big strapping lads ripped to fuck from all the turf collecting.
Oh, don't worry about me.
There's actually quite a few lesbians as well, Clare.
Lesbian farmers? Really? Lesbian farming is actually huge in the Republic.
We'll get you sorted, don't worry.
What about me? Could we pick me up a girl? Can we pick you up a girl? Like she's a thing? Yeah, that is so out of order, James.
I didn't mean I-I just thought Well, you thought wrong, James.
Sorry.
Get in the van.
Dirtbag.
Look, Mary.
Are they for Mammy's grave, Da? Aye.
Ten years gone, would you believe it? I don't know why I bother.
That Kitty O'Donnell next door, sure her plot's like a jungle.
It is a disgrace.
If that useless bloody husband of hers doesn't get his finger out soon, I'll give it a going over myself.
Daddy, how many times? You can't strim the grave of another man's wife.
It's inappropriate.
You could rear cattle in it, Sarah.
Ten years, and not a peep out of her.
Who? Mammy.
Ten years, and nothing.
I don't know what she's playing at.
There's no excuse for it, love.
Her being dead is sort of an excuse.
No? She couldn't give us a sign? She couldn't rattle a teapot or something? Bridget Gallagher was telling me she went to see this psychic.
No! You know the problems I have with my aura.
Your aura? The last time I went to see a psychic, sure I was tortured.
The spirits were coming at me left, right and centre.
This one lad, he was in the American Air Force.
Well, would he give over about that plane going down? Jesus, he had me demented.
Even so, Sarah, wouldn't you like to know that Mammy's happy, that she's at peace now? I'd give anything to speak to her again.
Ach, Daddy.
Love to know what the hell she did with my good electric razor.
Licence.
Where have you come from today? Er, Derry.
Er, Londonderry.
Derry.
L-Londonderry.
Calm the fuck down, James.
You English? Yeah.
He's fine.
We didn't bring him up here to kill him or anything.
She's my cousin.
Oh, right.
Not properly English, then.
I can't win! So how long do you plan to stay in the Republic of Ireland? Just overnight.
The purpose of your visit? We're gonna go ride some farmers.
Right, fine.
Go on.
Where the hell are we? I'll ask this woman.
Excuse me? Sorry to bother you.
A chairde.
Cad e mar ata sibh? Jesus, is she having a stroke? She is an Irish speaker, James.
Oh, why can't everyone just speak English? Well, your crowd had a good stab at forcing the entire world to, but we didn't really enjoy it much, James.
Imperialist prick! Can anyone ask her where this place is? Hmm, my Irish isn't the best.
I decided to keep on French and German, because I thought it would give me more options if I wanted to, like, study abroad or whatever.
We're not filling in your fucking UCAS form here, Clare.
Chonaic me an diabhal amhain.
What's she saying? Chonaic me an diabhal amhain! Just drive, James.
Slan! Slan! OK, so I think she said she saw the devil up here, or beware of the devil.
I mean, it definitely it had a devil-y vibe.
Who gives a fuck about the devil? The devil's a dick.
What was that? Shit.
Flat tyre.
Oh, well done, James.
It's not MY fault.
Yeah, you were the one slagging off the Devil, Michelle.
Oh, right, of course, the Devil gave us a flat tyre.
You were saying some pretty lousy things about him, Michelle.
He's the Devil.
Look, we're really close now.
Let's just grab our stuff and walk.
Are we still moving? Definitely feels like we are.
Pull the handbrake, Michelle! What's he saying? The handbrake! Pull the bloody handbrake! Somethingsomething about a brake.
Is it one of them wee pedal-y things? Not the pedal-y thing! The stick thing! Stick thing, stick thing.
Jesus Christ! Oh.
Press it, did he say? Pull it! Pull it! Fuck's sake.
Relax your cacks, James.
Jesus.
Ah, ah.
Well done, Michelle.
What the fuck is he playing at now? You knocked him down, Michelle! I wasn't driving! Only James could manage to get himself run over by a stationary fucking van.
Is he dead? Course he's not.
He's grand.
James James.
James James? James.
Right, well, that's not working! Let's just get him to the house and we can ring for help.
Come on, Michelle.
Oh, right.
It's just, I can't carry him and the drinks, so Then put the Hooch down.
Honest to Christ! Ugh! I think I'm gonna die! For the love of God, what does he eat?! How could someone this skinny be this heavy? OK, so, Sister Michael said the key was under the pot plant.
No! Where is it?! OK, girls, let's work from left to right.
WHERE IS IT?! - Has he gone a bit blue? - What? Shit.
OK, let's try not to panic.
That ship has sailed, Erin.
I'm panicking.
I'm fucking panicking! Oh.
Found it! Fucking hell.
I'll call an ambulance.
Someone get me some towels, some hot water.
Why, is he giving birth? It's not connected.
The phone isn't connected.
We're gonna have to take him back to the village.
I am not carting him all the way down that road again.
Someone has to run and get help.
I'm the fastest.
This is true.
She's like a whippet.
Maybe it'll pass.
You can't get out in that, Orla.
It's too dangerous.
We're already a cousin down, we can't risk it.
We're trapped.
Our friend is fatally wounded and there's nothing we can do to help.
Could someone please get me a glass of water? Poor James, he just doesn't deserve this.
Feels like my throat's closing over.
We had our differences, but all said and done Girls He was a good man.
He was.
Girls! Would you shut the fuck up, James? James! Be careful, girls.
Head trauma causes memory loss, and he might not know who we are.
How many fingers am I holding up? None.
Very good! It was a trick question.
Who's the President of New Zealand? I don't know that.
Do you know that? No.
Look, I'm fine, I think.
You think? I saw the tunnel, girls.
What, THE tunnel? Only, it was made of trees.
Hundreds of trees that had overgrown and intertwined .
.
and I could just about make out a light in the distance, and then a voice, as if from nowhere, a voice told me to walk towards it.
"Walk towards the light," it said.
Here, I'm absolutely starving.
Me too.
Aye, I could eat, you know.
Shall we have a hoke in the kitchen, then? Sounds good.
We're here to see Carlos Santini.
You know, Sarah, I have a feeling this might be him.
Enter.
I made us some broth.
Broth? Yeah.
It's called soup.
Broth is soup and soup is broth.
Soup is soup and broth is something used to poison people in a horror movie.
Seriously, Clare, as if this place isn't creepy enough.
Oh, I like it.
It's freezing.
There's no electricity, James.
What do you want me to do? I am so fucking bored.
Don't even start, Michelle.
You promised us hot farmers.
The hot farmers exist, Erin.
I saw them with my own eyes.
Oh, my God, look at this.
Sister Michael's aunt and her husband.
"Annie and Robert, 1941.
" Oh, my God.
What? His death notice.
He died really young.
That's so sad.
Robert didn't fight it.
He walked towards the light.
Will you shut the fuck up about your near-death experience, James? Maybe Robert's still here.
What, like in one of these boxes? No.
I mean maybe his spirit is still here.
Maybe he loved Annie so much he wanted to stay and watch over her.
Maybe he's watching over us.
Maybe they both are.
I know this sounds a bit mad, but I do sort of feel something here.
Like a presence.
It's like we're not alone.
ARGH! Fuck me! What was that?! I have a gift.
A gift that allows me to connect with people who are no longer with us.
Yeah, we gathered that much, Carlos.
I mean, we're not here for the Kimberleys.
Is there something wrong with the Kimberleys? Oh, Jesus, I hope not, I've polished four off already.
There's nothing wrong with the Kimberleys, Carlos.
Gerry here is just a bit of an arsehole.
I see.
Now, before we begin, I'd ask you to put aside any scepticism and open your hearts.
That is all I need.
Of course.
Well, that and £7.
50.
What? Each.
Seriously? We always we knew we'd have to cross his palm with silver, Gerry.
It's not the silver that I'm bothered about.
It's the paper.
So our mother passed away over a decade ago, and we were just Shh.
There's a man here.
Dark hair.
I'm getting the initial S.
Can anybody claim this man? He's wearing uniform.
A military uniform.
Jesus Christ, this boy again? He's American.
Hi.
Send him back.
I'm sorry? How many times does he need to be told? I'm not interested.
He's getting upset now.
I don't care, Carlos.
Well, he's going now.
I'm glad to hear it.
He's gone.
Moanin' shite.
There's someone else here.
A woman.
A family member? Mammy? What did you do with my razor?! She has the most beautiful head of hair.
Thank God.
She has a message for you.
Go on.
Kevin! She wants me to tell you Kevin.
Will you bloody answer me?! I'm with clients, Mother.
Have you seen my green scarf? I'm busy.
Where is it? I'm going to be late for bingo.
I'm trying to communicate with the dead, Mother.
If you've taken that scarf again, YOU'LL be fucking dead.
Wonderful, she's leaving.
You're scaring away the spirits, Mother! Get a REAL job, you useless bastard.
This job pays for your fecking gambling problem, you ungrateful old bag.
Where the fuck is my scarf? Take it! Take the fucking scarf! I knew it! Oh, apologies.
Has Mammy gone? I'm afraid so.
You said she had a message.
Yes, well, I'm only getting bits and pieces.
Something about water.
Something in water, something under water.
A box.
A red box.
I'm spent.
You're a conman, Kevin.
Gerry! Look, perhaps if you were to make another appointment And fork out another 30 quid? Naturally.
I'm out of here.
And I'm taking the Kimberleys.
No mention of a razor, I suppose? I'm afraid not.
Anything? Broken vase.
There was a window open in there.
It must have blown off the shelf.
Oh, thank God.
We are such fannies.
Yeah.
I mean, for a second there I thought it might actually Jesus, Clare! Stop, stop, stop.
I-I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for this.
It's important we don't let our imaginations run riot here.
The devil is here.
The woman was right.
First James has his accident, the noises I think it's Annie and Robert.
I think they're angry with us.
What the fuck have we done on Annie and Robert, except tidy their house? We shouldn't be here.
We shouldn't be going through their things.
We're strangers.
We are not welcome here and we will be punished.
Oh.
What was that? The wind.
Or a banshee.
What's a banshee? A crying bitch.
We will perish here.
We will perish in this place.
Great.
I'm gonna die a virgin.
That was always on the cards, to be fair.
OK.
Look, girls, we have to keep our wits about us tonight.
Be alert.
Be on guard, vigilant.
It is our only hope.
Absolutely.
Agreed.
Aye.
You're brave, wandering about down here on your own.
Yeah, well, Orla was spooning me, and there's nothing scarier than that.
They look really happy.
Yeah.
Listen, Erin .
.
something changed when I was standing at the end of that tunnel.
Something shifted.
What tunnel? You know, yesterday.
The tunnel, the light, the voice, the brush with death.
Oh, aye, sorry.
Go on.
What terrified me most was all the things I hadn't done.
Like a hot-air balloon.
What? I remember you always banging on about how much you wanted to go on a hot-air balloon, but I always thought that that was really Yeah, I looked into it, but it was so expensive.
Really? How much? Could I just finish my point? Fine.
What terrified me most was all the things I hadn't done, and all the things I hadn't said because I'd been too scared, oror too nervous.
A-A-And Are you all right? I like me, Erin.
Sorry? You.
Shit.
You.
I-I I like you, Erin.
I think I've liked you for a long time, and I don't expect you to say anything, I just.
I just want you to know that I I think you're beautiful.
Anyway, I just thought I'd Sorry.
What the actual fuck?! Agh! Oh, God! You sick, sick bastards.
Listen, Michelle This is incest! No, it's not.
Yes, it is, James.
We're not related.
Oh, and that makes it OK, I suppose? Well, it makes it not incest.
Right, OK.
I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, and say that that head injury was much worse than what we thought, and you are temporarily possessed by whatever evil spirit is rattling about this joint, which has caused you to lose the absolute fucking run of yourself.
This is none of your business, Michelle.
Oh, but it is, fuck features.
It is very much my business.
This can't happen.
OK? You two can't get together, because, putting aside the fact that it makes me want to boke my actual ring up, if you get together, you'll break up, and then where does that leave me, Erin? You might be my best friend but he's my cousin, and dickhead or not, I'll have to stick with him.
Don't put me in that position.
What'swhat's going on? Nothing.
Oh, look, it's Robert.
Robert who? You know Robert - Robert and Annie Robert.
Dead Robert.
What?! Jesus! He looks absolutely raging.
What's that in his hand? Is itis it a hammer?! He's coming over.
Will we stick the kettle on? He's hammering at the door! Like literally, with an actual hammer.
Arm yourselves! Piss off! Piss off or I will tray you to death, you bastard.
He's already dead! Shite! Is he gone? GET OUT! How are you, Jackie? Thank you.
Though she's at peace now, at least.
She was a bit of an arsehole all right, that's true enough.
Ah, it's herself.
How are you keeping, Sheila? Chonaic me an diabhal amhain! Oh, for the love of God, Sheila.
You did not see the devil that night.
Well, you may have, but only because you were absolutely flying on the co-codamol.
Never worry.
I'll see the both of you up at the wake for a jar or two so.
Slan.
You shouldn't be here.
Be gone! He's not a vampire, Clare! This is my house.
Throw water on him.
Ghosts can't handle water.
He'll melt like a motherfucker.
That's witches! GET OUT! Get him down.
Get him down on the ground.
He's quite solid for a ghost.
Sit on him.
Get off me! Now what? Why is he just taking it? Why doesn't he just, like, vanish and appear in another part of the room? Well, don't give him any ideas, Clare.
Maybe he's just a shit ghost.
I'm not a shit ghost! Pipe down, Robert.
What in the name of the risen Jesus is happening here, exactly? Sister Michael, thank God.
I don't know how to explain this, but I suggest you try.
It's Robert.
Who? Your aunt Annie's husband, Robert.
He's come back from the dead, Sister.
Right.
My aunt's name is Maura.
She never married.
And this ISN'T her house.
I only stopped here because I saw the van on the side of the road.
Thisisn't her house? Are you all high?! There's a mile to go before you hit Maura's house.
The house I sent you to tidy up.
The house that is still an absolute state.
The house I need to have a wake in this afternoon.
Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, indeed.
So whose house is this, then? Mine! Me and the wife are in the middle of moving in and Would you just get off me, please?! Oh, Jesus.
Sorry.
No bother.
No sweat.
I just came down here to do some odd-jobs, assemble some furniture and stuff.
But when I arrive, one of the windows has been smashed, and this lot were in the process of thieving all our stuff.
We didn't steal ANY of your stuff, Robert.
My name is Declan! Aye, but you're the double of Robert.
That's because he's my grandfather.
That actually does make a lot of sense.
What about the writing?! The warning on the mirror - we couldn't have imagined that.
Yeah, so, remember I said I was bored? I was really fucking bored, girls.
Look, I really regret it, OK? I absolutely ruined a good lipstick.
I'm ringing the Guards.
No! No! Listen.
I'm not going to make excuses for these kids, but .
.
life has dealt them a very cruel hand, and they're living with a very serious condition.
Truth is, Declan, they're from Derry.
Oh, God.
Aye.
Well, that's punishment enough, I suppose.
Quite.
James.
I think I think Michelle's right.
Well, that's always difficult to hear.
I'm sorry.
It's OK.
I can wait.
Thank you, love.
Thank you.