Divorce (2016) s03e04 Episode Script
Bad Manners
1 It's our job, as parents, to kick the door down and lob in tear gas.
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
High Right here.
Why don't you wanna get married again? Because I did it, it didn't work out, so now we get to do whatever the hell we want.
No more rules.
Sweetie, is this really necessary? Who is this old man? My grandfather.
This is a good girl here.
She needs guidance.
Tom, you have to go to college.
It's a rip-off.
Even Jackie says it's a waste of time.
You haven't earned those conversations, and I need you to respect that.
I can't believe you didn't have my back with Francis.
You're married to me now, remember? - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - (BALL DRIBBLING) All right, come on, Raiders! Let's get this done! ROBERT: Set up your D! Watch for the drive! Hey, man, uh Would it be weird if I asked Frances out? FRANCES: All right, come on, Raiders! - What? - Let's go! - All right, Cecily.
- Come on, Cecily! Set Stonehenge.
- CECILY: Stonehenge! - ROBERT: Lila, get your pick! FRANCES: Right on, Lila! Set it up! - (HAND SMACKS) - Oh, ouch! ROBERT: Oh, Lila, you all right? Okay, walk it off! Keep your head in the game, Dufresne! I know.
Kinda weird, right? But I never knew you two when you were together.
I mean, as far as I'm concerned, you were never married.
You know? (CHUCKLES) Hey.
She's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart? Let's go! But only if it isn't weird.
Uh, yeah, have at it.
Not weird at all.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERS) - (BUZZER SOUNDS) Let's go, Raiders! - Is she okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Just a little bit of blood.
She said it looked cool on her jersey.
She's tough.
Yep.
So, how's the bird business? Oh, it's good.
It's I'm organizing.
I have a I'm organizing a big outing this weekend.
Yeah? It's just a placeholder.
Um, so you know the conversation with Jackie? I feel I feel bad about it.
I just I came in, like, you know, a little hot.
You definitely put her in her place, which isn't hard considering she's bed-ridden.
I get it.
Anyway, I was thinking I could bring dinner over tomorrow night.
What? Why the hell would you want to do that? Just because I just I don't want there to be tension, you know? We're trying to be a family, and and I could bring Henry.
I would like you to meet Henry.
- JEREMY: Hey, Robert! - ROBERT: Wow.
- Meet the new man.
- FRANCES: Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah! So you're officially off the market.
Not fielding any new offers.
Well, I mean I guess not, no.
- Good.
- Hey! Oh, hey.
Hey, winner! (LAUGHING) Off to regionals! Lila is a force to be reckoned with! Ah, she is! Yeah, she gets it from the old man.
Maybe a little from the mom.
So.
I okay.
- This is great.
- Yep.
This is, uh Yeah, have fun.
With things, and, uh Tom.
In college.
Discuss.
- Yep.
Yep.
- And, uh, dinner.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Tomorrow.
Assorted people.
- Good game.
- JEREMY: Good, good game.
- Good.
- JEREMY: See ya.
(QUIETLY): Good luck, dickface.
- They're coming? Locker room? - Yeah, yeah.
Um, so, you ready for something kind of awkward? (GASPS) Oh, shoot! Right! The new uniforms.
I had the check yesterday, and I just No, no, no.
It's not that.
I wrote you off as a deadbeat a long time ago.
- (FRANCES GROANS) - (JEREMY CHUCKLES) I was, uh I was about to ask you out.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, I ran it by Robert, you know, and he's totally cool with it.
Oh, did he sign the permission slip? (LAUGHING) No, it's not like that.
It's just, you know, we're, um, you know, pals.
I didn't wanna step over a line or do anything too weird.
Uh, so what do you say? You wanna hit Friendly's and grab a Fribble sometime? Thank you.
That's-that's very friendly.
Um (GIGGLES) But, um I'm I'm seeing someone.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I mean, Robert didn't mention that.
Yeah, no, well, I just debriefed him.
Got it.
Well, serves me right, asking someone out in person.
Online they can't see you cry.
Oh, no, don't say that.
Okay then, so, uh Just remember A platonic Fribble, only a phone call away.
All right, will do, will do.
JEREMY: Beast! Yes! Head back, hydrate.
You got this.
Great job.
See you Monday.
Beast! Forever known now as "Beast.
" - DIANE: I'm baaaack! - (FRANCES CHUCKLES) - Did you miss me? - Mmmmm.
Hmmm.
Fuck.
Chip and Joanna can suck my dick! What are you doing? The Bishop's Fold.
ROBERT: It's Henry and Frances.
I've seen her lick the yellow powder off of a Cheeto.
No need to Bishop Fold.
I know, I'm just I really want tonight to go well, so I'm focusing on the one thing I can control.
Goddammit! (SIGHS) Hmmm.
What? Just your basic jacket and tie presentation.
Exactly who are you trying to impress tonight? (SCOFFS) Oh, hey, I, uh I may have found a buyer for your house.
My house? My and Frances' old house? - Yes.
- But it's not for sale.
I casually mentioned it to a friend of mine who has some clients who are looking for a place over there.
Do you know Brenda Sykes? Ugh.
Just the thought of that big, screeching mouth yammering and spitting where my children were raised.
I'm sorry.
I know your renters are leaving, so I figured you'd be ready to sell.
- We might be - Hmm.
but this is something I have to discuss with Frances first.
Okay? Okay.
Well, this is bullshit.
(SIGHS) Okay.
You ready? Oh.
Good.
Are you? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I predict a lovely evening filled with banter and bonding.
(LAUGHING): Okay.
But if I start talking about my cat, Peanut You don't have a cat, Peanut.
That's right.
Because that will be code for let's get the fuck outta here.
Oh, yeah.
Gotcha, gotcha.
Okay.
Welcome! Come on in, strangers.
- There she is.
Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's thank you.
- Robert and Jackie, this is Henry.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Hello.
- Henry.
Robert.
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh.
You look fantastic.
Better every day.
Thank you.
Now I know how chickens feel.
I am over-fed, stuck in a cage, and my breasts are grotesquely large.
- Oh! Pastelitos? - JACKIE: (GASPS) Thank you! Okay, come on in, city slickers.
Ready for some more of Oklahoma's finest? Bring it.
Thank you, sir.
Frances says you have your own moving company.
I do, uh I'm up to my ass in bubble wrap.
Well, we're in complementary lines of work.
We flip houses, and you fill 'em.
(HENRY CHUCKLING) Frances, I am so glad we did this.
- This was such a good idea.
- Yeah, me too.
We were really looking forward to it.
I mean, I was so excited I couldn't sleep all night.
Yeah, I wrote about it in my diary.
I mean, who doesn't wanna go to a dinner party where everybody at the table is sleeping with someone who used to also be sleeping with somebody else at that table? - (JACKIE LAUGHING) - That's it.
Right there.
He's not wrong at all.
You see, this is why I wanted you to meet him.
Isn't he a gem? Yeah.
Look at the time.
- ROBERT: Move on in there.
- FRANCES: Okie-dokie.
Excuse me, is there a restroom on this floor? Nope.
(SIGHS) (SMACKING GUM) - Hi there.
- Hi.
The brown flip-flops are on six.
For white crew socks, I would check out Kohl's.
I'm Taylor's grandfather.
- The shoplifter.
- Oh, right! - We met last week.
- Hostile grandpa.
(LAUGHING) Gordon is fine.
I just I wanted to thank you.
I feel like, uh like Taylor and I are communicating a lot better.
That's good.
She's a good kid.
How is she doing? Well, actually.
Talking about going back to school.
Aww.
Even cracks the window now when she's smoking pot.
(LAUGHING) See? And you were ready to go ship her off to juvie.
Well, you straightened me out.
I feel like I owe you a dinner.
You mean like a dinner-dinner? Or a lunch-lunch? (ALL LAUGHING) FRANCES: And then you come upon this thing, right? "Spark bird.
" - A "spark bird"? - Yeah! Yeah, yes.
Wait, I haven't heard about this.
Yeah, no, it's the first bird you see that changes you somehow, you know? It makes you it makes you become a bird-watcher, yeah.
I was thinking mine might be a Warbler.
So, um, do you have a lot of, um, like, arranging to do for you know, to make a baby room? Luckily, we don't have to worry about it for a bit.
The baby will be sleeping with us for a while.
- What? - Yeah, there's this little thing that you just attach to the side of the bed.
So you just roll over and whip out the boob.
HENRY: Look at that.
Wait, how long does that go on for? - Oh, with Ella it evolved.
- FRANCES: Evolved? Mm-hmm.
Till she was 11.
Then she asked for her own space.
You know, they do mature.
But it was different then, because it was just the two of us.
You know, still, there's something really sweet about sharing a family bed.
It makes you all feel really close.
Mm-hmm.
So, Henry, do you have kids? Uh, step-kids.
When Ursula and I met, they were 8 and 10, so that was enough.
- So, Ursula was your ex? - Yep.
- Is she white, too? - JACKIE: Robby! - Oh, my God! - FRANCES: What is wrong with you? - Jesus Christ! - Ah, fuck, did I just micro-aggress you, man? - You think? - ROBERT: So sorry, the fuck did I just do? I didn't even know what that meant until just now.
Stop talking right now.
- JACKIE: Henry, do not kill him.
- It's-it's It's fine.
No worries.
Seriously, uh It's a little fucked up, - but we're cool, we're cool.
- FRANCES: Oh, my God.
You're a very forgiving man.
Thank you, Henry.
This guy.
This guy's head and shoulders above Jeremy.
Yeah.
- What about Jeremy? - FRANCES: Oh.
God, Henry.
This guy, Jeremy, is my assistant coach.
He asks my permission to ask Frances out on a date.
- Is that a dick move? - He did? Yeah, he dry-gulched me at the game.
Yeah, I mean, he completely crossed the bro line.
He asked you out, right? Um I mean sort of, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I didn't I didn't say anything because it just, you know, I said no.
So that was that, it didn't Yeah, yeah.
And that makes sense.
Like, why would you say anything? Why would you make anyone feel bad? I'm sure that's why Robert didn't tell me.
Heh.
Oh.
Of course, why would anyone ask me out? My ass is currently the size of a Volkswagen, and I'm under house arrest.
I need to keep my fucking mouth shut.
Uh, Henry, is it time, like, is it nearing time for us to check on your cat, Peepers.
Peanuts! Peanuts! No, you're free to do whatever you want.
- What? - You're a grown woman.
No, he doesn't mean that.
You don't actually want Frances to go on a date.
No, I want Frances to do whatever she likes.
I hate the idea of Frances going on a date with Jeremy, and I'm not even married to her anymore.
Frances, I may have found a buyer for your Hastings home.
You put the house on the market without telling me? No.
I didn't put the house on the market.
Jackie showed it to this screeching cow named Brenda Sykes, and she just ran with it.
Well, I don't know if I want to sell the house.
I mean, is this something that we have to talk about like right now? No.
(GRUNTING) Is everything are you okay? Uh, yeah, I think it's just, just like a little twinge.
- Maybe we should - Yeah, no, definitely.
We'll get out of your hair.
You should probably be have your feet up, and (CAR DOOR SHUTS) Well, that was mean.
- And embarrassing.
- I don't like being blindsided.
Blindsided? Yeah, interesting how you failed to mention it.
You really wanted me to tell you that a man I barely know, for whom I have zero romantic interest, sort of fumbled asking me out, and I said no? Better that way than your ex telling me at dinner.
Well, that that's just bad manners.
And I don't know why you felt you had to tell them that, you know, I can do whatever I want.
Why did you have to say that in front of them? You could've you could've You could've waited till we got to the car.
You could've said nothing.
- It was just hurtful.
- Because that's what I meant.
You know what? I'm gonna choose to believe - that you don't mean that.
- Frances, like I said, you can do what you want.
I will not stop you.
As a rule.
Wow.
You really know how to make a lady feel wanted.
So, are there any other rules that I should know about? Actually, it's the opposite of rules.
Well, you know what? You can call it whatever you want.
Whatever word you choose, you are defining our relationship.
You won't get divorced.
I explained that.
That's just for business.
(SIGHING) Well Let's just go back to the city.
You know, of all the horrible things that were said tonight, my racist remark didn't even make the top three.
Why would you bring up the house? I don't know.
It was shitty, okay? Robert, I don't know what is happening.
It just it fell out of my mouth.
I was jealous that you cared that Frances was asked out, so I was a bitch.
But I'm not a bitch! But you're the one that wanted this evening to go oh-so-well, and then you bring up the house.
- What the fuck, Jackie? - I have never had a husband with an ex before.
I've never even had a husband before.
So, this is all some crazy Martian shit to me.
Was there even a twinge? I think we all know what that twinge was about.
(SCOFFING) Wait, so I don't understand.
How did you leave it? Oh, who knows? But, apparently, I'm at liberty to do whatever I want.
Hmmm, interesting.
Well, I have to tell you two ladies that an 80-year-old man asked me out last night.
Oh, really? Well, he's a cocky asshole.
I said yes.
Well, you know, who doesn't who doesn't love a free meal? Frances, what's this again? Uh, cassava.
Well, I think that you and Henry are perfect together.
I don't think "perfect.
" Well, close enough.
All right, girls, I'm gonna go look for some yams.
Okay.
Many varieties.
Many varieties over yonder.
Um, by the way, have you noticed in her makeup bag? What? - The box? - (GASPS) Oh! - Tampons? - Yeah! I know! It's never been opened.
What, is it, what, is it just for show? I have no fucking clue.
WOMAN: And on News 4 they said that right before he jumped, he called out his dog's name.
His childhood dog.
Why does a healthy 73-year-old man walk along an overpass and just I just can't shake it.
It's tragic.
Very, very sad.
I mean, how do we move on with our lives when these horrible things are happening all around us? What right do we have to wake up and be happy? Go out shopping or to restaurants our friends when people Michelle.
- I'm sorry.
- I know, it's horrible, right? No, I'm sorry because I think that I have reached some saturation point here.
It's like I, uh It's like part of me feels for you, and then the other part is like, "Oh, no! Some old fart jumped off a bridge! How will I ever go to Cafe Luxembourg again?" It is just your empathy runneth over, and it is very shrill.
Dallas, that is not fair.
I agree with you! It's not fair! It's wrong, it's-it's unprofessional, and I am sorry.
But I just I think that you need to see someone else.
- What? - I think that you need to see someone else who has more patience for redundant bullshit.
Anyway, huh I think I need to, uh close my eyes for a bit.
It's just (BREATHES DEEPLY) - Sleepy.
- (CLOCK TICKING) Yeah, just your name and a contact you feel comfortable sharing with us.
We'll keep you abreast.
(CHUCKLING) Bird breast.
Okay, so what now, Leo? Go show 'em some birds.
Well Aren't you gonna come with me? I've never done this before.
I have absolutely no idea You can handle it.
I just started the Connie Stevens chapter.
I don't have time for this bullshit.
(LEAVES CRUNCHING) Crystella.
I thought you moved on to the Brooklyn Birders.
I've been thinking about us.
Smart girl.
Well, hello, good afternoon! Welcome! Welcome to my fellow bird enthusiasts.
Thank you all for coming out on this unseasonably cold day.
I, for one, plan to look for the Swinson Warbler.
It's a long shot I know, but I am nothing if not an eternal optimist.
So, uh, let's get this baby off the blocks! And, uh, lastly Does anyone have an extra pair of tights? (EXHALES) Is it me, or is there not one fucking bird in this park today? Oh! Goodness, I mean Sorry I mean I mean, I'm just I'm just so bummed, you know? Because I was really hoping to see the Swinson.
Swainson, not Swinson.
Yeah, you've been saying Swinson all afternoon, and it literally makes me nauseous.
Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Swainson.
Swainson.
You do like birds, don't you? Yeah, sure! Sure, I mean, you know, as much as the next guy.
What's not to like? It's Why would you take a job at a bird society if you don't care deeply about birds? Full disclosure? 'Cause I got bills to pay like the next guy, you know? What, you think I took this gig to hang out with you people? - GIRL: Oh! - I mean, I just I'm just trying to make ends meet, buddy.
Unbelievable.
Oh! Oh! BEV: Oh, my God! Are you all right, hon? Honestly, Bev? Things just aren't taking off for me in birdland.
Oh, I think you're doing just fine! Especially how you handled those animals back there.
(BIRD TWEETING) (GASPS) A Warbler! What are the chances? Well, actually, it's a Wood Thrush, but you're getting there.
(BIRDS TWEETING) (MOANING, SIGHING) Here we are, fresh and folded.
Oh, thank you.
Diane? I have to ask.
What's that? Oh, Jesus.
I would've thought your mommy had this conversation with you a long time ago.
Well, I don't mean to be nosy, but that hasn't been opened for six months.
So? I'm still a menstruating woman.
Okay.
Besides, menopause isn't official until you've gone a year without a period.
Okay, so how long has it been? Eleven months.
And change.
(FAUCET DRIPPING) It just came so much sooner than I thought.
(CHUCKLES) It all comes so much sooner than we thought.
(SIGHS) Okay.
I'll hold your hand.
Good-bye, old pal.
("LITTLE BIRD" BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING) Little bird up in a tree Looked down and sang a song to me Of how it began (SIGHS) Na na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na The trout in the shiny brook Gave the worm another look And told me not to worry About my life Na na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na Tree in my own backyard Stands all alone Bears fruit for me And it tastes so good - - Where's my pretty bird He must have flown away If I keep singing He'll come back someday Dawn, bird's still gone Guess I'll go mow the lawn What a day, what a day Oooo, what a beautiful day this is Ooooooooo Little bird up in a tree Looked down and sang a song to me The trout in a shiny brook Gave the worm another look And told me not to worry about my life Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Cute couple.
Yeah.
Probably on their way to church.
We could all use a little church.
(MUSIC PLAYS) DIANE: That's Jeremy? Henry said you could do whatever you want.
So proceed.
Open lane.
Whip it out.
It's a high school basketball trip; nobody's whipping anything out.
It is a big weekend.
JACKIE: (THROUGH PHONE) At least Frances'll be there.
ROBERT: I don't have feelings for her.
FRANCES: Your dreams don't have to die, as long as you remember where you've been, and where you're going.
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
It's not like I'm doing the robot in the parking lot.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)
- High-five on co-parenting.
- All right.
High Right here.
Why don't you wanna get married again? Because I did it, it didn't work out, so now we get to do whatever the hell we want.
No more rules.
Sweetie, is this really necessary? Who is this old man? My grandfather.
This is a good girl here.
She needs guidance.
Tom, you have to go to college.
It's a rip-off.
Even Jackie says it's a waste of time.
You haven't earned those conversations, and I need you to respect that.
I can't believe you didn't have my back with Francis.
You're married to me now, remember? - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) - (BALL DRIBBLING) All right, come on, Raiders! Let's get this done! ROBERT: Set up your D! Watch for the drive! Hey, man, uh Would it be weird if I asked Frances out? FRANCES: All right, come on, Raiders! - What? - Let's go! - All right, Cecily.
- Come on, Cecily! Set Stonehenge.
- CECILY: Stonehenge! - ROBERT: Lila, get your pick! FRANCES: Right on, Lila! Set it up! - (HAND SMACKS) - Oh, ouch! ROBERT: Oh, Lila, you all right? Okay, walk it off! Keep your head in the game, Dufresne! I know.
Kinda weird, right? But I never knew you two when you were together.
I mean, as far as I'm concerned, you were never married.
You know? (CHUCKLES) Hey.
She's a sweetheart.
Sweetheart? Let's go! But only if it isn't weird.
Uh, yeah, have at it.
Not weird at all.
- (AUDIENCE CHEERS) - (BUZZER SOUNDS) Let's go, Raiders! - Is she okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Just a little bit of blood.
She said it looked cool on her jersey.
She's tough.
Yep.
So, how's the bird business? Oh, it's good.
It's I'm organizing.
I have a I'm organizing a big outing this weekend.
Yeah? It's just a placeholder.
Um, so you know the conversation with Jackie? I feel I feel bad about it.
I just I came in, like, you know, a little hot.
You definitely put her in her place, which isn't hard considering she's bed-ridden.
I get it.
Anyway, I was thinking I could bring dinner over tomorrow night.
What? Why the hell would you want to do that? Just because I just I don't want there to be tension, you know? We're trying to be a family, and and I could bring Henry.
I would like you to meet Henry.
- JEREMY: Hey, Robert! - ROBERT: Wow.
- Meet the new man.
- FRANCES: Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah! So you're officially off the market.
Not fielding any new offers.
Well, I mean I guess not, no.
- Good.
- Hey! Oh, hey.
Hey, winner! (LAUGHING) Off to regionals! Lila is a force to be reckoned with! Ah, she is! Yeah, she gets it from the old man.
Maybe a little from the mom.
So.
I okay.
- This is great.
- Yep.
This is, uh Yeah, have fun.
With things, and, uh Tom.
In college.
Discuss.
- Yep.
Yep.
- And, uh, dinner.
Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Tomorrow.
Assorted people.
- Good game.
- JEREMY: Good, good game.
- Good.
- JEREMY: See ya.
(QUIETLY): Good luck, dickface.
- They're coming? Locker room? - Yeah, yeah.
Um, so, you ready for something kind of awkward? (GASPS) Oh, shoot! Right! The new uniforms.
I had the check yesterday, and I just No, no, no.
It's not that.
I wrote you off as a deadbeat a long time ago.
- (FRANCES GROANS) - (JEREMY CHUCKLES) I was, uh I was about to ask you out.
Oh.
Yeah, I mean, I ran it by Robert, you know, and he's totally cool with it.
Oh, did he sign the permission slip? (LAUGHING) No, it's not like that.
It's just, you know, we're, um, you know, pals.
I didn't wanna step over a line or do anything too weird.
Uh, so what do you say? You wanna hit Friendly's and grab a Fribble sometime? Thank you.
That's-that's very friendly.
Um (GIGGLES) But, um I'm I'm seeing someone.
Oh, I didn't know that.
I mean, Robert didn't mention that.
Yeah, no, well, I just debriefed him.
Got it.
Well, serves me right, asking someone out in person.
Online they can't see you cry.
Oh, no, don't say that.
Okay then, so, uh Just remember A platonic Fribble, only a phone call away.
All right, will do, will do.
JEREMY: Beast! Yes! Head back, hydrate.
You got this.
Great job.
See you Monday.
Beast! Forever known now as "Beast.
" - DIANE: I'm baaaack! - (FRANCES CHUCKLES) - Did you miss me? - Mmmmm.
Hmmm.
Fuck.
Chip and Joanna can suck my dick! What are you doing? The Bishop's Fold.
ROBERT: It's Henry and Frances.
I've seen her lick the yellow powder off of a Cheeto.
No need to Bishop Fold.
I know, I'm just I really want tonight to go well, so I'm focusing on the one thing I can control.
Goddammit! (SIGHS) Hmmm.
What? Just your basic jacket and tie presentation.
Exactly who are you trying to impress tonight? (SCOFFS) Oh, hey, I, uh I may have found a buyer for your house.
My house? My and Frances' old house? - Yes.
- But it's not for sale.
I casually mentioned it to a friend of mine who has some clients who are looking for a place over there.
Do you know Brenda Sykes? Ugh.
Just the thought of that big, screeching mouth yammering and spitting where my children were raised.
I'm sorry.
I know your renters are leaving, so I figured you'd be ready to sell.
- We might be - Hmm.
but this is something I have to discuss with Frances first.
Okay? Okay.
Well, this is bullshit.
(SIGHS) Okay.
You ready? Oh.
Good.
Are you? Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, I predict a lovely evening filled with banter and bonding.
(LAUGHING): Okay.
But if I start talking about my cat, Peanut You don't have a cat, Peanut.
That's right.
Because that will be code for let's get the fuck outta here.
Oh, yeah.
Gotcha, gotcha.
Okay.
Welcome! Come on in, strangers.
- There she is.
Hi.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, nice to see you.
- Thank you for coming.
Oh, that's thank you.
- Robert and Jackie, this is Henry.
- Hey.
Hey.
- Hello.
- Henry.
Robert.
- Wow, you look great.
- Oh.
You look fantastic.
Better every day.
Thank you.
Now I know how chickens feel.
I am over-fed, stuck in a cage, and my breasts are grotesquely large.
- Oh! Pastelitos? - JACKIE: (GASPS) Thank you! Okay, come on in, city slickers.
Ready for some more of Oklahoma's finest? Bring it.
Thank you, sir.
Frances says you have your own moving company.
I do, uh I'm up to my ass in bubble wrap.
Well, we're in complementary lines of work.
We flip houses, and you fill 'em.
(HENRY CHUCKLING) Frances, I am so glad we did this.
- This was such a good idea.
- Yeah, me too.
We were really looking forward to it.
I mean, I was so excited I couldn't sleep all night.
Yeah, I wrote about it in my diary.
I mean, who doesn't wanna go to a dinner party where everybody at the table is sleeping with someone who used to also be sleeping with somebody else at that table? - (JACKIE LAUGHING) - That's it.
Right there.
He's not wrong at all.
You see, this is why I wanted you to meet him.
Isn't he a gem? Yeah.
Look at the time.
- ROBERT: Move on in there.
- FRANCES: Okie-dokie.
Excuse me, is there a restroom on this floor? Nope.
(SIGHS) (SMACKING GUM) - Hi there.
- Hi.
The brown flip-flops are on six.
For white crew socks, I would check out Kohl's.
I'm Taylor's grandfather.
- The shoplifter.
- Oh, right! - We met last week.
- Hostile grandpa.
(LAUGHING) Gordon is fine.
I just I wanted to thank you.
I feel like, uh like Taylor and I are communicating a lot better.
That's good.
She's a good kid.
How is she doing? Well, actually.
Talking about going back to school.
Aww.
Even cracks the window now when she's smoking pot.
(LAUGHING) See? And you were ready to go ship her off to juvie.
Well, you straightened me out.
I feel like I owe you a dinner.
You mean like a dinner-dinner? Or a lunch-lunch? (ALL LAUGHING) FRANCES: And then you come upon this thing, right? "Spark bird.
" - A "spark bird"? - Yeah! Yeah, yes.
Wait, I haven't heard about this.
Yeah, no, it's the first bird you see that changes you somehow, you know? It makes you it makes you become a bird-watcher, yeah.
I was thinking mine might be a Warbler.
So, um, do you have a lot of, um, like, arranging to do for you know, to make a baby room? Luckily, we don't have to worry about it for a bit.
The baby will be sleeping with us for a while.
- What? - Yeah, there's this little thing that you just attach to the side of the bed.
So you just roll over and whip out the boob.
HENRY: Look at that.
Wait, how long does that go on for? - Oh, with Ella it evolved.
- FRANCES: Evolved? Mm-hmm.
Till she was 11.
Then she asked for her own space.
You know, they do mature.
But it was different then, because it was just the two of us.
You know, still, there's something really sweet about sharing a family bed.
It makes you all feel really close.
Mm-hmm.
So, Henry, do you have kids? Uh, step-kids.
When Ursula and I met, they were 8 and 10, so that was enough.
- So, Ursula was your ex? - Yep.
- Is she white, too? - JACKIE: Robby! - Oh, my God! - FRANCES: What is wrong with you? - Jesus Christ! - Ah, fuck, did I just micro-aggress you, man? - You think? - ROBERT: So sorry, the fuck did I just do? I didn't even know what that meant until just now.
Stop talking right now.
- JACKIE: Henry, do not kill him.
- It's-it's It's fine.
No worries.
Seriously, uh It's a little fucked up, - but we're cool, we're cool.
- FRANCES: Oh, my God.
You're a very forgiving man.
Thank you, Henry.
This guy.
This guy's head and shoulders above Jeremy.
Yeah.
- What about Jeremy? - FRANCES: Oh.
God, Henry.
This guy, Jeremy, is my assistant coach.
He asks my permission to ask Frances out on a date.
- Is that a dick move? - He did? Yeah, he dry-gulched me at the game.
Yeah, I mean, he completely crossed the bro line.
He asked you out, right? Um I mean sort of, yeah, I guess so.
I mean, I didn't I didn't say anything because it just, you know, I said no.
So that was that, it didn't Yeah, yeah.
And that makes sense.
Like, why would you say anything? Why would you make anyone feel bad? I'm sure that's why Robert didn't tell me.
Heh.
Oh.
Of course, why would anyone ask me out? My ass is currently the size of a Volkswagen, and I'm under house arrest.
I need to keep my fucking mouth shut.
Uh, Henry, is it time, like, is it nearing time for us to check on your cat, Peepers.
Peanuts! Peanuts! No, you're free to do whatever you want.
- What? - You're a grown woman.
No, he doesn't mean that.
You don't actually want Frances to go on a date.
No, I want Frances to do whatever she likes.
I hate the idea of Frances going on a date with Jeremy, and I'm not even married to her anymore.
Frances, I may have found a buyer for your Hastings home.
You put the house on the market without telling me? No.
I didn't put the house on the market.
Jackie showed it to this screeching cow named Brenda Sykes, and she just ran with it.
Well, I don't know if I want to sell the house.
I mean, is this something that we have to talk about like right now? No.
(GRUNTING) Is everything are you okay? Uh, yeah, I think it's just, just like a little twinge.
- Maybe we should - Yeah, no, definitely.
We'll get out of your hair.
You should probably be have your feet up, and (CAR DOOR SHUTS) Well, that was mean.
- And embarrassing.
- I don't like being blindsided.
Blindsided? Yeah, interesting how you failed to mention it.
You really wanted me to tell you that a man I barely know, for whom I have zero romantic interest, sort of fumbled asking me out, and I said no? Better that way than your ex telling me at dinner.
Well, that that's just bad manners.
And I don't know why you felt you had to tell them that, you know, I can do whatever I want.
Why did you have to say that in front of them? You could've you could've You could've waited till we got to the car.
You could've said nothing.
- It was just hurtful.
- Because that's what I meant.
You know what? I'm gonna choose to believe - that you don't mean that.
- Frances, like I said, you can do what you want.
I will not stop you.
As a rule.
Wow.
You really know how to make a lady feel wanted.
So, are there any other rules that I should know about? Actually, it's the opposite of rules.
Well, you know what? You can call it whatever you want.
Whatever word you choose, you are defining our relationship.
You won't get divorced.
I explained that.
That's just for business.
(SIGHING) Well Let's just go back to the city.
You know, of all the horrible things that were said tonight, my racist remark didn't even make the top three.
Why would you bring up the house? I don't know.
It was shitty, okay? Robert, I don't know what is happening.
It just it fell out of my mouth.
I was jealous that you cared that Frances was asked out, so I was a bitch.
But I'm not a bitch! But you're the one that wanted this evening to go oh-so-well, and then you bring up the house.
- What the fuck, Jackie? - I have never had a husband with an ex before.
I've never even had a husband before.
So, this is all some crazy Martian shit to me.
Was there even a twinge? I think we all know what that twinge was about.
(SCOFFING) Wait, so I don't understand.
How did you leave it? Oh, who knows? But, apparently, I'm at liberty to do whatever I want.
Hmmm, interesting.
Well, I have to tell you two ladies that an 80-year-old man asked me out last night.
Oh, really? Well, he's a cocky asshole.
I said yes.
Well, you know, who doesn't who doesn't love a free meal? Frances, what's this again? Uh, cassava.
Well, I think that you and Henry are perfect together.
I don't think "perfect.
" Well, close enough.
All right, girls, I'm gonna go look for some yams.
Okay.
Many varieties.
Many varieties over yonder.
Um, by the way, have you noticed in her makeup bag? What? - The box? - (GASPS) Oh! - Tampons? - Yeah! I know! It's never been opened.
What, is it, what, is it just for show? I have no fucking clue.
WOMAN: And on News 4 they said that right before he jumped, he called out his dog's name.
His childhood dog.
Why does a healthy 73-year-old man walk along an overpass and just I just can't shake it.
It's tragic.
Very, very sad.
I mean, how do we move on with our lives when these horrible things are happening all around us? What right do we have to wake up and be happy? Go out shopping or to restaurants our friends when people Michelle.
- I'm sorry.
- I know, it's horrible, right? No, I'm sorry because I think that I have reached some saturation point here.
It's like I, uh It's like part of me feels for you, and then the other part is like, "Oh, no! Some old fart jumped off a bridge! How will I ever go to Cafe Luxembourg again?" It is just your empathy runneth over, and it is very shrill.
Dallas, that is not fair.
I agree with you! It's not fair! It's wrong, it's-it's unprofessional, and I am sorry.
But I just I think that you need to see someone else.
- What? - I think that you need to see someone else who has more patience for redundant bullshit.
Anyway, huh I think I need to, uh close my eyes for a bit.
It's just (BREATHES DEEPLY) - Sleepy.
- (CLOCK TICKING) Yeah, just your name and a contact you feel comfortable sharing with us.
We'll keep you abreast.
(CHUCKLING) Bird breast.
Okay, so what now, Leo? Go show 'em some birds.
Well Aren't you gonna come with me? I've never done this before.
I have absolutely no idea You can handle it.
I just started the Connie Stevens chapter.
I don't have time for this bullshit.
(LEAVES CRUNCHING) Crystella.
I thought you moved on to the Brooklyn Birders.
I've been thinking about us.
Smart girl.
Well, hello, good afternoon! Welcome! Welcome to my fellow bird enthusiasts.
Thank you all for coming out on this unseasonably cold day.
I, for one, plan to look for the Swinson Warbler.
It's a long shot I know, but I am nothing if not an eternal optimist.
So, uh, let's get this baby off the blocks! And, uh, lastly Does anyone have an extra pair of tights? (EXHALES) Is it me, or is there not one fucking bird in this park today? Oh! Goodness, I mean Sorry I mean I mean, I'm just I'm just so bummed, you know? Because I was really hoping to see the Swinson.
Swainson, not Swinson.
Yeah, you've been saying Swinson all afternoon, and it literally makes me nauseous.
Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Swainson.
Swainson.
You do like birds, don't you? Yeah, sure! Sure, I mean, you know, as much as the next guy.
What's not to like? It's Why would you take a job at a bird society if you don't care deeply about birds? Full disclosure? 'Cause I got bills to pay like the next guy, you know? What, you think I took this gig to hang out with you people? - GIRL: Oh! - I mean, I just I'm just trying to make ends meet, buddy.
Unbelievable.
Oh! Oh! BEV: Oh, my God! Are you all right, hon? Honestly, Bev? Things just aren't taking off for me in birdland.
Oh, I think you're doing just fine! Especially how you handled those animals back there.
(BIRD TWEETING) (GASPS) A Warbler! What are the chances? Well, actually, it's a Wood Thrush, but you're getting there.
(BIRDS TWEETING) (MOANING, SIGHING) Here we are, fresh and folded.
Oh, thank you.
Diane? I have to ask.
What's that? Oh, Jesus.
I would've thought your mommy had this conversation with you a long time ago.
Well, I don't mean to be nosy, but that hasn't been opened for six months.
So? I'm still a menstruating woman.
Okay.
Besides, menopause isn't official until you've gone a year without a period.
Okay, so how long has it been? Eleven months.
And change.
(FAUCET DRIPPING) It just came so much sooner than I thought.
(CHUCKLES) It all comes so much sooner than we thought.
(SIGHS) Okay.
I'll hold your hand.
Good-bye, old pal.
("LITTLE BIRD" BY THE BEACH BOYS PLAYING) Little bird up in a tree Looked down and sang a song to me Of how it began (SIGHS) Na na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na The trout in the shiny brook Gave the worm another look And told me not to worry About my life Na na na na na na Na na na na na na Na na na na Tree in my own backyard Stands all alone Bears fruit for me And it tastes so good - - Where's my pretty bird He must have flown away If I keep singing He'll come back someday Dawn, bird's still gone Guess I'll go mow the lawn What a day, what a day Oooo, what a beautiful day this is Ooooooooo Little bird up in a tree Looked down and sang a song to me The trout in a shiny brook Gave the worm another look And told me not to worry about my life Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Little bird looked down And sang a song to me Cute couple.
Yeah.
Probably on their way to church.
We could all use a little church.
(MUSIC PLAYS) DIANE: That's Jeremy? Henry said you could do whatever you want.
So proceed.
Open lane.
Whip it out.
It's a high school basketball trip; nobody's whipping anything out.
It is a big weekend.
JACKIE: (THROUGH PHONE) At least Frances'll be there.
ROBERT: I don't have feelings for her.
FRANCES: Your dreams don't have to die, as long as you remember where you've been, and where you're going.
Mom, you're embarrassing me.
It's not like I'm doing the robot in the parking lot.
(MUSIC CONCLUDES)