Doug (1991) s03e04 Episode Script

[ yelps]
[ barks]
[ electric guitar playing]
[ man singing scat]
[ barks]
COOL! WHOA!
[ thwack]
[ barks]
Doug:
DEAR JOURNAL, THIS WAS
CAREER WEEK AT SCHOOL.
MR. SHELLACKY,
OUR GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
TESTED US TO TELL WHICH
CAREER WOULD SUIT US.
IN ONE MOMENT,
MR. COMPUTER
WILL FIGURE OU
THE ANSWER!
I WONDERED WHAT IT
WOULD SAY ABOUT ME.
MAYBE I'D BE AN ARCHITECT.
OH, I CAN'T WAIT.
HMM OR A PILOT.
OR MAYBE A SECRET AGENT.
OH, MY GOSH.
SUPER!
WHAT DOES IT SAY?
ONLY THAT DOUGLAS FUNNIE
IS THE LUCKIEST BOY
ON THE BLOCK.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
YEAH?
A BUSINESSMAN!
A WHAT?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ barks]
THERE MUST BE SOME
MISTAKE, MR. SHELLACKY.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT BUSINESS.
[ knocking]
DO YOU HEAR THAT?
WHAT IS THAT?
IT'S YOU, MR. SHELLACKY.
IT'S MR. OPPORTUNITY--
THAT'S WHO'S KNOCKING.
THE LIFE CHOICE DECIDER
IS NEVER WRONG, SEE?
THIS IS YOU HERE IN
MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW.
THIS BUMP IS
HIGH SCHOOL.
HERE YOU ARE GETTING
"A"s IN BUSINESS
AND THEN,
AFTER COLLEGE
YOU'RE OFF LIKE
A ROCKET, DOUG!
BUT COULDN'T I BE
A SECRET AGENT INSTEAD?
OR A FOREST RANGER?
THIS IS THE WEEK
WHEN WE PUT AWAY
CHILDISH THINGS.
GET IN TOUCH
WITH YOUR INNER ADULT.
BUT MISTER
SHH! HEAR THAT OLD
TRAIN WHISTLE CALLING?
IT'S THAT CAREER TRAIN
AND SHE'S A-PULLING
IN TO FUNNIE STATION!
WHAT'S SHE SAYING?
[ chanting:]
BUSINESS
BUSINESS
BUSINESS!
BUSINESS!
THIS WAS TERRIBLE.
I DIDN'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT BUSINESS!
THE NEXT DAY, WE WENT
TO BLUFFCO INDUSTRIES
TO WORK ON
A CAREER-WEEK PROJECT.
EVERYBODY ELSE
HAD REALLY COOL JOBS.
ART DIRECTOR?
THAT'S GREAT,
CHALKY!
YOU'LL BE WORKING
RIGHT ACROSS
FROM ME!
I'M AN INVENTOR!
LAST YEAR
THE CLASS MADE
SOME CRUDDY
BUMPER STICKERS
AND SKUNKY BEAUMON
SOLD SO MANY
HE BOUGHT A BOAT.
All:
OOH
WHAT SHOULD WEMAKE?
CRUDDY BUMPER STICKERS?
WE CAN'T DECIDE TILL WE FIND OU
WHO THE EXECUTIVE IS.
YOU, DOUG?
WOW! REALLY?
YEAH.
I'LL TRADE YOU.
WHY WOULD
DOUG TRADE
WHEN HE'S GOING TO BE
A RICH BUSINESSMAN?
RICH? ME?
Robin Leach impersonator:
THANKS TO A CLASS PROJEC
DOUG FUNNIE BECAME
THE YOUNGEST MILLIONAIRE EVER.
THIS COMPLEX IS SO ENORMOUS
THAT A PERSON USES
THESE LARGE SUCTION TUBES
TO GET AROUND.
HERE WE GO! WHOA!
HERE IN DOUGCO'S RECREATION ROOM
DOUG HAS
A COMPLETE ROOT BEER BAR
A WHOLE ARCADE OF VIDEO GAMES,
AND A BUILT-IN LAKE FOR FISHING.
HERE'S THE LIBRARY
OF OVER 10,000 COMIC BOOKS--
THOUSANDS DRAWN BY DOUG HIMSELF!
MAYBE BEING
A CORPORATE EXECUTIVE
WOULDN'T BE SO BAD AFTER ALL.
COME ON, DOUG,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WELL, MAYBE I'LL STAY
AN EXECUTIVE.
[ tires squeal]
WELCOME ABOARD,
YOUNG MAN!
THANKS, MR. BLUFF.
DON'T CALL ME
MR. BLUFF, DOUG
CALL ME CAPTAIN BLUFF!
EVERY YEAR I BRING
YOUNG EXECUTIVES HERE
TO GET THEIR SEA LEGS.
MAKING AND SELLING
THESE PROJECTS
IS THE FIRST STEP
TO WORLD DOMINATION!
OH, UH, I MEAN,
TO A CAREER IN BUSINESS.
BUT IF I CAN
ASK, MR. BLUFF--
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO EXACTLY?
THERE ARE JUS
THREE RULES
A SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSMAN
HAS TO KNOW, DOUG.
NUMBER ONE: DECIDE.
NUMBER TWO: DIRECT.
NUMBER THREE: DELEGATE.
DECIDE, DIRECT, DELEGATE!
SAY IT WITH ME!
Both:
DECIDE, DIRECT, DELEGATE!
BRILLIANT!
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I CAN GIVE YOU
TO HELP YOU
IN YOUR QUEST.
BUT REMEMBER, ONLY USE THIS
WHEN THINGS GET REALLY TOUGH.
IT'S THE KEY TO THE EXECUTIVE
SQUASHROOM.
WOW!
ANCHORS AWEIGH, NOW!
I EXPECT A REALLY
GREAT PROJEC
FROM YOU.
[ blows whistle]
DISMISSED!
FIRST WE HAD TO DECIDE WHAT
PROJECT WE WERE GOING TO MAKE.
IT'S IMPOSSIBLE
FOR US
TO MAKE SHOES,
SKEETER!
WE DON'T HAVE
THE EQUIPMENT.
A TINY SHOE?
WE NEED
SOMETHING
EVERYONE
WILL BUY.
DECIDE, DIRECT, DELEGATE.
SUDDENLY I HAD IT!
THE HELICOPTER LANDING PAD
SHOULD BE NEXT
TO THE COMIC BOOK ROOM
AFTER I MADE MY FIRST MILLION.
HMM
YEAH!
THEN, ABOUT AN HOUR LATER
Chalky:
A BOOKMARK!
THAT'S WHA
WE CAN MAKE!
IT'S SIMPLE.
WE CAN PU
THE SCHOOL SEAL ON THEM!
Skeeter:
WHAT DO YOU
THINK, DOUG?
HUH? OH, SURE.
BEEBE,
PICK THE PAPER
TO MAKE
THE BOOKMARKS.
SKEETER,
YOU DESIGN THEM.
I'LL DRAW
THE SCHOOL SEAL.
THAT'S WHEN THE TROUBLE STARTED.
TA-DA!
ISN'T THA
AWFUL BIG
FOR A BOOKMARK?
I WAS THINKING
OF SOMETHING TINY
THAT WOULD FIT INSIDE A BOOK.
DOUG, THIS IS
THE MATERIAL
I WANT TO MAKE
THE BOOKMARKS
OUT OF!
BUT WON'T THESE
COST MORE
THAN PAPER
BOOKMARKS?
BUT THEY'LL BE
SO FASHIONABLE
WE'LL SELL
TWICE AS MANY!
OR I GUESS WE COULD JUS
DO THEM ON JUNKY PAPER.
WELL, PAPER
WOULD BE CHEAPER
BUT THIS IS NICE.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVE
TO DECIDE.
YOU'RE
THE EXECUTIVE.
[ whooping]
YO, DOUG, COME QUICK.
I GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.
UH, I
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
BUT DOUG, WE
NEED A DECISION.
THIS CAN'
WAIT.
SKEETER HAD THIS AMAZING IDEA
TO ADD A READING LIGHT
ON TOP OF THE BOOKMARK
SO PEOPLE COULD READ
IN THE DARK.
THIS'LL BE THE
BEST PROJECT EVER!
I'LL TELL THE OTHERS.
WHOA!
YOU GOT TO SEE THIS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
OH, NO, THIS IS AWFUL!
IT TURNED OUT HE COULDN'T DRAW!
I HAD TO HELP HIM.
BUT BEFORE I COULD FINISH THAT,
CONNIE HAD TO SEE ME.
DOUG,
COME QUICK!
YOU'VE GOT TO DECIDE
BECAUSE THEY HAD STARTED
TO CUT THE FABRIC
BEFORE BEEBE FOUND OUT
ABOUT THE READING LIGHT!
CONNIE FIGURED OUT
THAT WITH THE MISTAKES SO FAR
THE BOOKMARKS WOULD COST
ALMOST $75 EACH!
AND SKEETER KEPT CHANGING IT!
CHALKY STILL COULDN'T DRAW!
IT WAS A DISASTER.
OH
DOUG, YOU HAVE
TO DECIDE!
DOUG, YOU
HAVE TO DECIDE!
WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME ABOUT THIS?
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL
ME ABOUT THIS?
I DID THE ONLY THING I COULD.
QUIET!
HOLD IT!
DOUG WANTS
TO SAY SOMETHING!
UM
[ panting]
I JUST NEEDED TIME TO THINK.
All [ clamoring:]
DOUG!
OH!
[ panting]
OH, MAN.
HUH?
YEAH!
THERE
HE IS!
[ kids clamoring]
YOU HAVE
TO DECIDE!
I REALLY HATE THIS.
[ balls thwacking]
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO?
COULD I REALLY SPEND
THE REST OF MY LIFE HIDING?
I SAW HIM
COME IN HERE!
[ quavers:]
THERE HE GOES!
Leach impersonator:
THE ONE THING DOUG
DOESN'T HAVE
IS ANY TIME TO SPEND
IN HIS PLUSH QUARTERS.
THIS IS HOW HE'S SPEN
EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE!
WHOA NO!
BEING A CORPORATE EXECUTIVE
WAS THE LAST THING I WANTED.
BUT WHAT DID I REALLY
WANT TO BE?
AND WHAT WOULD I TELL
MR. SHELLACKY?
SUDDENLY, I HAD IT!
HE LOCKED HIMSELF
IN, DADDY!
WHAT IS THE MEANING
OF THIS?
I'VE MADE A DECISION,
MR. BLUFF.
NEVER MIND THAT--
YOU'RE FIRED!
YOU CAN'T FIRE
ME, MR. BLUFF.
I'M A KID.
I DON'T WORK HERE.
AT LEAST GIVE ME
MY KEY BACK.
I'M STILL IN CHARGE
OF THIS PROJECT.
YOU SAID FIRST AN
EXECUTIVE HAS TO DECIDE.
I WAS A PRETTY BAD
BUSINESSMAN UP TO NOW.
I COULDN'T MAKE UP MY MIND.
BUT NOW I'VE DECIDED.
I WANT CHALKY
TO BE IN CHARGE.
HE'LL BE BETTER
THAN ME.
GOSH, THANKS, DOUG!
BUT WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO, DOUG?
BE MR. SHELLACKY?
THAT'S A FUNNY
DRAWING, DOUG!
ARE YOU SAYING
THAT'S WHA
WE SHOULD DO?
I CAN DRAW TEACHERS
TO PRINT ON THE BOOKMARKS.
WE'LL SELL A TON
OF THESE AT SCHOOL!
YOU'RE A
GENIUS, DOUG!
[ kids praising Doug]
SO THE PROJECT WAS SAVED.
BUT THE MOST
IMPORTANT THING WAS
Mr. Funnie:
DOUG, TELEPHONE!
DOUG, IT TURNS OUT MR. COMPUTER
HAD A LITTLE TUMMY ACHE!
YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE
A BUSINESSMAN AT ALL!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE
AN ARTIST, RIGHT?
Even better.
YOU'RE GOING TO BE
A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR LIKE ME!
ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?
[ chants:]
GUIDANCE! GUIDANCE!
Guidance! Guidance!
Douglas, did you hear that?
DEAR JOURNAL, IT STARTED OU
LIKE JUST ANOTHER ROWDY DAY.
WE WERE COMING BACK
FROM A FIELD TRIP
ROGER, PLEASE GIVE ME
MY AUDIO VISUAL CLUB HAT.
AW, WHAT'S
THE MATTER?
LARRY WANT HIS
WITTLE A.V. HAT BACK?
GOT IT!
COME ON, LARRY.
LET'S SEE YOU
JUMP FOR IT.
DON'T LET THEM
PUSH YOU AROUND.
OKAY, GUYS,
I'M REALLY GETTING MAD!
All:
OOH
I'M SERIOUS!
GIVE ME IT!
HEY, LARRY, DON'T FREAK!
LET YOUR A.V. BUDDIES
HELP YOU GET YOUR HAT.
[ gasps]
[ straining]
WITH NERVES OF STEEL,
QUAILMAN CROSSES THE STREET.
[ gang laughing]
[ snarling]
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I'M SICK OF THIS!
LARRY, IS SOMETHING WRONG?
[ panting]
[ growls]
[ kids clamoring]
Doug:
TAKE IT EASY, LARRY!
Larry:
YOU CAN'T GO AROUND
TAKING OTHER
PEOPLE'S PROPERTY!
WHOA, THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!
[ Larry grunting]
[ Roger
snickers]
COME ON,
FUNNIE,
WHACK HIM!
GO GET HIM, YOU
CAN TAKE HIM!
[ muttering
angrily]
[ snarling]
[ makes karate yell]
OW!
[ growls]
[ kids gasp]
[ moaning]
HUH?
[ footsteps]
[ hinge creaks]
[ barks]
THAT'S ME.
HEY!
[ barks]
[ yelps]
[ men shouting]
[ crunching]
ONE-PUNCH IS COMING!
[ low murmur]
UH, EXCUSE ME,
SIR, BUT
THAT STOOL'S
RESERVED.
OH YEAH? FOR WHO?
Doug:ME.
[ shrieks]
SORRY, ONE-PUNCH!
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WAS BACK!
WHOA!
Bartender:
WHAT'LL IT BE,
ONE-PUNCH?
GLASS OF MILK,
AND MAKE IT CHOCOLATE.
[ kids cheering]
WOW, FUNNIE, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD IT IN YOU!
BOY, DID YOU SEE
LARRY GO DOWN?
HEY, LARRY, ARE YOU OKAY?
FUNNIE, YOU DROPPED
THAT A.V. LOSER
LIKE A SACK OF MANURE!
WHOO! BLAM, KER-PLOP!
HE WAS OU
LIKE A POTATO!
BOY, IF IT FELT THIS BAD
TO WIN A FIGH
LARRY MUST HAVE FELT
EVEN WORSE LOSING.
WOW, ONE PUNCH!
[ makes punching
noises]
COME ON, KNOCK
IT OFF, SKEET.
I FEEL BAD ENOUGH.
I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOU
ACTUALLY SLUG
SOMEBODY BEFORE!
SON, HAVE YOU
BEEN FIGHTING?
UH-UH.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID
"A MAN THAT RESORTS
TO VIOLENCE
IS A MAN WHO'S RUN
OUT OF GOOD IDEAS."
YES, BUT
DID YOU CREAM HIM?
BUD!
A BOY'S GOT TO KNOW
HOW TO PROTECT HIMSELF.
FIRST, PUT UP
A GOOD FRONT.
STICK OUT YOUR CHES
AND LET THEM KNOW
YOU MEAN BUSINESS.
AND SAY, "WHY,
I OUGHT TO"
THAT'S NOT THE ANSWER.
NONSENSE.
HIT ME!
WHAT?
SHOW THEM YOU
CAN TAKE IT.
GIVE ME ONE
RIGHT IN THE OLD
BREADBASKET!
ARE YOU SURE,
MR. DINK?
COME ON, DOUGLAS,
LAY ONE ON ME.
Mr. Funnie:
TAKE IT EASY, BUD.
GIVE ME ONE OF YOUR BEST UGH!
Mrs. Funnie:
DOUGLAS! PHONE CALL!
UH, I GOT TO GO.
ARE YOU OKAY, MR. DINK?
[ breathless:]
OH, SURE, NO PROBLEM.
HE'S FINE, SON,
RUN ALONG.
I THINK THAT WAS
INSTRUCTIONAL.
[ wheezes]
IT'S SOMEONE
NAMED LARRY.
LARRY?
WHY IS HE CALLING?
MAYBE HE WANTS
TO MAKE PEACE.
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT!
HELLO, LARRY?
Larry:
Is this Doug Funnie?
LISTEN, LARRY,
I'M SORRY ABOUT
Don't be! It was a lucky punch.
You won't be so lucky next time!
[ click]
[ groans]
I THOUGHT MAYBE
THAT WEIRD PHONE CALL
WAS JUST LARRY
BLOWING OFF SOME STEAM
BUT THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL
I FOUND OUT
IT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
"DOUG FUNNIE IS
AN INVERTEBRATE."
"FUNNIE IS A PAVID VERMIN."
"DOUG IS UNCOUTH."
HAVE YOU SEEN ALL
THESE SIGNS ABOUT YOU?
WHAT DO THEY MEAN,
"PAVID VERMIN"?
I DON'T KNOW, BU
I THINK IT'S BAD.
WHO IS DOING
ALL THIS?
I'LL TELL YOU:
IT'S THAT LOSER LARRY
AND HIS A.V. GOONS!
HOW DO
YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE ONLY THOSE A.V. GUYS
WOULD GO TO ALL
THAT TROUBLE.
I'D JUST HAUL OFF
AND SLUG YOU.
BUT ROGER [ screams]
LARRY SAYS,
"DOUG IS A WIMP."
[ snickers]
[ clucks]
LOOKS LIKE LARRY'S SOCK PUPPE
HAS A POINT,
FUNNIE.
SOCK PUPPET!
AND TO THINK I FELT SORRY
FOR THAT LOSER LARRY.
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO FIGHT HIM.
HE STARTED THIS WHOLE THING.
[ air hissing]
[ straining]
[ growls]
[ footsteps pounding]
[ kids screaming]
[ yells]
[ snarls]
[ moaning]
THAT SKUNK.
IF ANYBODY KNEW
WHERE LARRY WAS
ELMO, LINCOLN AND BRIAN WOULD.
[ all gasp]
Boy:
WHO IS IT?
DOUG-- AND I WAN
TO TALK TO LARRY.
Boy 2:
NOT HERE, GO AWAY.
TELL HIM I'M LOOKING FOR HIM.
GOT IT?
Boy 1:
GOT IT.
Boy 2:
YES, GOT IT--
LEAVE!
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO STEAMED
BUT AS THE DAY WENT ON,
I COOLED OFF A LITTLE.
THAT IS, UNTIL LUNCH.
Mr. Bone:
Attention, please.
Listen up for
the lunch menu!
Today we will be serving--
mm-mm-- salisbury steak!
Class:
EWWW
And with that you get a tasty
congealed lima bean cobbler
[ class groaning]
We interrupt
to make an announcement.
HUH? WHAT'S
GOING ON?
Doug Funnie is
a sucker-punching phony!
If he's wise
he'll stay away
from the audiovisual room.
and prunes in a blanket!
[ makes fun
of Doug]
Boy:
HE MEANS BUSINESS.
[ all gasp]
MOVE.
WATCH THE DOOR.
OKAY.
BACK, UH, KEEP BACK!
EVERYBODY BACK, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, LARRY
LET'S FINISH
THIS NOW.
O-O-OKAY, DOUG.
BEAT ME UP IF YOU HAVE TO.
HAVE TO?
YOU MADE ME LOOK
LIKE A FOOL!
ACTUALLY, IT WAS MY
A.V. FRIENDS WHO DID I
BUT GO AHEAD,
CLOBBER ME.
YOUR FRIENDS? BUT WHY?
THEY THOUGHT I MADE
THE A.V. CLUB LOOK STUPID
SO THEY TRIED TO
MAKE YOU FIGHT AGAIN
SO I COULD MAYBE WIN,
BUT I CAN'T.
THEY'RE ANIMALS OUT THERE!
ARE YOU FIGHTING?
SO NONE OF THIS
WAS YOUR IDEA?
NO, BUT IF I DON'T FIGH
I'LL BE THROWN OU
OF THE A.V. CLUB.
AND IF I DON'T FIGHT YOU,
THEY'LL THINK I'M CHICKEN.
A MAN WHO RESORTS
TO VIOLENCE
IS A MAN WHO'S RUN
OUT OF GOOD IDEAS.
HOW DID THEY INTERRUP
THE ANNOUNCEMENT?
MY STOMACH'S SENSITIVE,
SO HIT MY ARMS.
CAN YOU INTERRUP
ONLY ONE MONITOR?
YEAH, BUT WHY?
GREAT!
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, DOUG?
WE'LL GIVE THEM
THE BEST FIGHT!
[ whispering:]
HERE'S WHA
YOU'LL DO
WHAT'S UP?
ARE WE GOING
TO SEE A FIGHT?
THERE'S NO
ENOUGH ROOM HERE.
SOMEBODY COULD GET HURT.
WATCH IT DOWN IN
THE SHOP ROOM.
Kids:
OH, MAN.
SO, WHERE ARE THEY?
Ladies and gentlemen
since the A.V. room is too small
to fit everybody in
we've decided to broadcast
this grudge match
exclusively
on the school monitor.
Prepare to eat knuckles,
A.V. boy!
Oh, yeah?
Well, same to you!
Skeeter:
Let's make this a clean fight.
You can start
when you hear the bell-- bing!
Ooh, a massive left by Funnie.
[ grunts]
A beautiful right hook by Larry.
A monumental uppercut by Funnie
but Larry is all over him!
[ kids protesting]
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE PICTURE?
I CAN STILL
HEAR VALENTINE!
Skeeter:
He's floating like a bee
stinging like a scrape!
OH, LARRY'S
LEGS LOOK
A LITTLE RUBBERY THERE!
SO LARRY AND I HAD OUR REMATCH,
AND IT CAME OUT A DRAW.
FUNNIE COMES BACK
MAYBE A FAKE FIGHT
WASN'T THE BEST IDEA
BUT IT WAS BETTER THAN
EITHER OF US GETTING CREAMED.
SKEETER DIDN'T COME OUT
SO LUCKY.
[ muffled:]
COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?