Drawn Together (2004) s03e04 Episode Script

Wooldoor, narrating: from the moment i woke up, I knew today was going to be rotten.
I had a stuffy nose, But i got up anyway, got dressed, and headed downstairs.
And then spankie broke off the propeller from my beanie! What a dork! And ling-Ling hit me with a chinese star.
And just my luck, the chore wheel once again Put me in charge of the bags of money.
Plus, i missed my daily sideburn-Trimming appointment.
Aah! A jew in our backyard! I can't believe my jewcrow didn't work! You're getting baptized right now! Aah! I can't swim! Don't worry! You're a christian now! Jesus will be your life preserver.
[Laughs.]
look at that heeb pretending to drown.
Ha! Those jews kill me.
[Snickers.]
hey, hero, I made up a fun new game-- How long does it take pain to travel through toot's fat layers? [Both snickering.]
Morning, assholes! Did you read the paper? It says a giant retard is destroying the city.
What? "Massive mental midget mauls metropolis"? This sounds like a job for captain hero! Up, up, and away! Oh, wait.
I need my magic pixie dust.
Ro whoo! I'm captain fucking he And i can't feel my fucking face! So, xandir, do you have any plans for-- Aah! Someone stabbed me in my back! Sweet.
That's my best time yet.
Foxxy, narrating: wooldoor almost drowned, But as usual, the foxxy helped save the day! [Grunts.]
[Retches.]
[In british accent.]
capital.
Thank goodness I'm certified in cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
[In normal accent.]
mouth-To-Mouth, y'all! [Shivers.]
Oh, lordy! Wooldoor got the hypothermia.
And clara, you gonna take care of him.
[Groans.]
[shivers.]
Taking orders from a black girl? Ugh! Who does she think i am-- Thomas jefferson's penis? Captain hero, narrating: everywhere i looked, I saw evidence of this special giant.
The entire city was flooded with drool.
The museum of shiny objects was in ruins.
The giant replicas of daddy's important papers had been drawn on.
Even the reservoir of yummy banana pudding was completely empty.
You see, man, without the pudding, I'm just another unemployed sexual predator.
But the giant himself was nowhere to be found.
Where is this giant sped? Oh, so you don't want to talk, eh? Maybe a little neck-Snapping will jog your memory! [Cracking.]
Oh! Maybe a little spooning will jog your memory! [Animals screaming.]
Oh, dear god! Not the petting zoo! I love puppies! [Shivering.]
Clara, narrating: i spent hours Taking care of that needy little bastard.
If i wanted to hear a yellow guy whine, I'd go see margaret cho.
[Shivers.]
could i have another blanket, please? Ugh! You want it now? But i was in the middle of a really funny part of my joke book.
[Giggles.]
Damn, clara, You've been taking care of wooldoor all day.
You're such a sweetheart.
Who knew you were such a decent person? Seriously, you're like the best roommate ever.
Clara, narrating: gosh, my roommates always hated me.
And now, they think i'm some kind of saint.
Clara, for the first time ever, I am proud to be your friend.
This makes up for all them cracks About my breastses lactating chocolate milk.
No chocolate milk? Then what the hell have i been sucking on? [Screaming.]
Puppy sleepy! Wake up, puppy! Da-Ta! Captain hero is here.
Your velcro-Powered super shoes .
And endless capacity to hug can't save you now [Both grunt.]
I love pounding beavers! [Brays.]
[babbles.]
Oh, i sure gave that hairy ass a licking! [Grunts.]
[mewing.]
Ha! This is one dude Who knows how to avoid pussy.
[Grunts.]
[Clucking.]
I'll wrap my hands around this cock And squeeze it until it explodes way too early And then rolls over and falls asleep Leaving me unsatisfied and alone.
[Grunts.]
Y.
I've got you now, cork Life goes on no longer for you.
I was about to put him on the short bus to heaven, But there was something in his eyes-- Something familiar.
Could he possibly be [Roars.]
oh, my god! He could! [Roars and babbles.]
[Panting.]
Mommy! My roommates were so proud of me For taking care of wooldoor, They even alerted the local press.
Now everyone knows what a wonderful human being i am.
Wow, clara! Thanks for taking such good care of me.
I feel healthier than ever.
Why, even my jungle fever has broken.
Hey, papa.
Eh.
You're not so hot.
, now that i'm all better I guess i'll be seeing you, clara.
You're leaving? I guess i won't have To take care of you anymore.
Which means i'll no longer receive The attention i so desperately crave.
Say, uh, wooldoor, Perhaps before you go I can make you one last bowl of chicken soup? Soup? Fuck yeah! I love that shit! W-What do you mean you didn't kill him? You've never had trouble defeating mentally-Challenged retards before.
Where mommy at? Oh, i saw your mommy go into the restroom.
So it's just you and me now, magneto.
[Grunts.]
[Grunts.]
It's just that when i saw he had those vestigial t-Rex arms, Icouldn't do it.
What's the big deal about him having vestigial t-Rex arms? This! [Roars.]
Holy crap! What the hell is wrong with you? Don't be scared, gay friend.
[Stammers.]
Oh, nice.
Yes, everyone in the hero family has them.
Well, except for my cousin ned, Who was born with just one vestigial t-Rex arm.
[Chuckles.]
what a freak.
Don't you see, xandir? There is only one explanation.
He is my son! Of course he is.
How could you possibly have a son? You said you had your balls removed.
No.
I said i had my ball sack removed.
Besides, i always pull out.
Um, that's not a foolproof method.
Right, craig? [Coos.]
Trust me, bro.
When i pull out of a chick, She never survives the 1,000-Foot fall back to earth.
[Screams.]
But there is one possibility.
Back when i was at howard university, I needed money to pay for tuition.
[Funk music playing.]
Need bling? Donate yo' sperm.
Oh, check this out, roomie! I could get paid for what i do Every day for free in your shampoo bottle! You did what?! [Horn honks.]
[dog barks.]
[Crashes.]
[Crying.]
One of your fluffer-Nutter deposits Must have created your son.
Then we must go to the sperm bank To solve this mystery once and for all.
This sounds like a job for captain hero! Oww! Poor, poor wooldoor kept getting sicker.
But at least the world appreciated my loving devotion to him.
It sucked being sick all the time.
But boy, oh, boy, was i lucky to have Someone like clara to take care of me.
Now, finish your rock candy So you can feel all better.
[Squeaking and crunching.]
[Gulps.]
My stomach feels bleedy.
Need medicine.
What the heck? Drain cleaner? Cyanide? Anthrax? Gerber's apple banana sauce? Someone should think a little harder About where we put these product placements.
Oh, my god! Clara's keeping me sick! Ah, yes.
Captain leslie hero.
There weren't a lot of women Who wanted zebulonian sperm.
But there was one.
Here, i'll give you the address.
Well, maybe a little neck-Snapping will make you give me the address.
[Grunts.]
[laugh track.]
[snap.]
Oh, you.
Well-- [Hocks and spits.]
I hope you're ready to meet the woman Who birthed your giant retarded son.
Never readier.
[Doorbell rings.]
[Creaks.]
hello? Pardon me, sir, but did you buy some zebulonian sperm And give birth to a giant stupidhead? Who wants to know? I do, for i am the donor.
My name is captain hero.
Captain hero? Oh, no! Oh, no, what? I am your Sister.
Of course she is.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [Roars.]
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [Roars.]
Both: ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [Roaring.]
Goodnight, wooldoor.
Feel better.
Wooldoor, narrating: i took the first chance i had to escape.
And i found the perfect decoy So clara would never know i was gone.
Lucky for me, gary coleman is desperate for work.
He'll let you paint him any color you want.
[Humming.]
[Beeps.]
Uh-Oh.
Clara turned on the house security system.
[Flatulence.]
[Synthesizer music playing.]
[Alarm beeps.]
uh-Oh.
[Crashes.]
[Screaming.]
[Grunting.]
Phew! Holy crap! Mummified bears with shark heads?! [Piercing electronic notes playing.]
[Surf music playing.]
[Grunts.]
All right.
[Cans clang.]
Uh-Oh.
Aah! What are you doing out of bed? Darling, you're still so sick.
Clara, you've gone crazy.
You're poisoning me.
Oh, wooldoor, you don't mean that.
That's just the poison i'm using to poison you with talking.
And now, for your own good, I'll have to make sure you'll never leave again.
[Gasps and screams.]
Wait! No! Please! [Crunches.]
[grunts.]
[Screaming.]
[Dings.]
Both: ew! Ew! Ew! Captain hero, narrating: when we finally finished Our traditional zebulonian greeting, We went inside for some java.
So then i moved to earth To be closer to trader joe's.
Anyhoo, i turned 35 and desperately wanted a baby.
When i discovered the clinic actually had zebulonian sperm, I was tickled pink.
But who would have thought the he-Honkers I snorted up my crotch nostril Were from my brother? I feel so dumb.
All this time, I thought my son was a giant retard.
Turns out he's just an inbred.
I'm sorry our son escaped from the basement.
But don't you worry-- I chained him up but good this time.
What?! My son is in chains? [Gasps.]
[Grunting.]
Me love junk.
What the hell kind of mother are you? A single mother.
What do you want me to do-- Not chain him up? I know being a single mother is a difficult task, And i admire all you sluts who do it, But it's no excuse to lock our son in the basement.
Oh? You think you can do better? You bet your sweet, supple ass i can.
[Grunts.]
I'll be a better single parent Than all my high school girlfriends combined.
[Both grunt.]
[Gasps.]
So, you like trader joe's, huh? I like it for some things.
Ow! Captain hero, narrating: to make my boy A productive member of society, I introduced him to the only career A giant, inbred moron like him could handle-- Heating and air conditioning repair.
[Rings.]
[screams.]
Door monster! Mama! Well, thank god you're here.
It's like a sauna-- [Grunting.]
Uh-Uh-Uh! It was working just fine yesterday.
[Growls.]
oh! Uh-Uh-Uh! Uhh Uhh [Moaning.]
How often do you change your filter, ma'am? Gosh, i don't think we've ever changed the filter.
it's the filter.
Yep, that's the culprit right there.
I just want to be honest with you.
A lot of people would tell you it's the freon hose, And charge you the $200.
But i'm not in this for the money.
I just like keeping people cool.
I hope when the home office calls for my review, You have the confidence to give me all 5s.
Stay cool! How was that, daddy? I told you to tell them it was the freon hose! You just lost us $200! Wooldoor, narrating: i feared clara would keep me a cripple forever.
If only i could tell someone what she was doing.
Hey, clara.
Hey, wooldoor.
How is your healthy patient-Nurse relationship? Clara's been poi--[Chokes.]
What's that? Foxxy, look behind you! It's denzel washington! Denzel! [Panting.]
Where did denzel go? I guess denzel must have had An appointment or something.
Denzel's very busy.
Uh, foxxy, look! Denzel came back! Denzel! [Crunch.]
Oh, i missed him again.
He move quickly.
Denzel in excellent physical condition.
[S.
O.
S.
Beeping in morse code.]
Hey, i think wooldoor's trying to communicate Through blinking.
Look, foxxy! Denzel came back for an unbelievable third time! [Gasps.]
denzel! Hello there, foxxy.
Clara's trying to keep wooldoor si-- Foxxy, look out in the hall.
It's another denzel washington! With 2 penises! [Gasps.]
double dong denzel! Good-Bye.
[Screams.]
[Explosion.]
It's just you and me now, wooldoor.
No one's going to save you.
Wait a minute, clara.
There ain't nobody in that hallway But triple dong wesley snipes.
What is going on here? Captain hero, narrating: as it turned out, Being a single parent was a cinch.
And now that my son had mastered air conditioning repair, It was time to tackle something even more challenging-- Making waffles! Oh, isn't it f un to make waffles with daddy? Waffles, waffles.
Both: waffles! Waffles! Waffles! Waffles! [Laughing.]
[Beeping.]
gotcha! Aah! Fire alarm monster! [Crash.]
Fire alarm monster! Come back, son! You have the syrup! You are so lucky to have someone like me Stabbing you with a rusty screwdriver like this.
Hey, clara.
I wouldn't use the sink in the upstairs bathroom.
I clogged it while i was shaving.
Do you have any of that drain cleaner You've been using to keep wooldoor sick? Sure.
Here.
It's It's empty.
Oh, well.
If it's all empty, that means Yes, clara.
You've fed me An entire bottle of drain cleaner.
Oh, my god.
All i wanted was a little attention.
But i never considered the ramifications.
I need to make this right.
Hang on, sink! I'll help you! I'll unclog you! I never meant to hurt you! It's ok, clara, at least you learned a lesson.
Not necessarily thelesson, But a lesson nonetheless.
You're right, wooldoor.
I guess we both got carried away.
I guess we did.
But hey! S the doctor says it'll take only 2 year Of agonizing physical therapy For me to return to 60 percent of my former mobility! And there's even a chance i'll dance again.
Oh, wooldoor.
You'll never dance again.
I know.
My son is gone.
I pushed him too hard.
Oh, i'm the worst father ever-- Even worse than spankie! You can do it, honey! Oh, god! Oh! Push! Push! [Crying.]
It's a boy! It's a boy! Sausage, Who needs your sausage? [Roars.]
I've lost my only child And it's all my fault.
My life will be empty forever.
This just in-- A handi-Capable giant, who has so much love to give, Is on a murderous rampage.
And he's headed straight f or the nation's most powerful nuclear superbomb, Which, unfortunately, is camouflaged as winnie the pooh.
Oh, my god! We're all goin g to die! Captain hero, this is your last chance To prove you can be a good single parent.
You have to go get your son! You're right, gay friend! To the winnie the pooh bomb! [Crash.]
[Flatulence.]
[Babbling.]
Why, oh, why did we build Our most powerful nuclear weapon To look like pooh bear? And why the hell did we make it hug-Activated? Son, you must listen to daddy.
™ª the cat's in the kitchen on the silver table ™ª if you're going to serve gravy ™ª you got to have a ladle-- ™ª [Screams.]
I see your son is about to destroy the world.
I know.
Turns out, i'm a terrible single parent.
I suck! Oh, don't feel bad.
We've all made our share of mistakes.
Mine was trading in a perfectly healthy baby For that enormous asshole.
I guess we weren't able to care for Our special needs giant as single parents.
But perhaps, if we join forces And work together, we can do the right thing.
And hand that enormous retard over to the state.
He's all yours, boys.
Later! Wait! Superheroes! Not only was that a terrible parenting decision, But we're all going to die! If he gives you any trouble, Just chain him up in the basement.
I wuv you, winnie the pooh.
[Beeping.]
[Explosion.]
[Rumbling.]
You're walking, wooldoor! You're walking! [Screams.]
.]
[Rumbling.]
I love you, winnie! I promise to keep you cool in the summer.
Wow, sis! That was a close one.
Well, bro, now we know never to be single parents.
Yes.
Well i say we raise the next one together.
The next one? [Roaring.]
[Both moaning.]
[Moaning.]
[Giggling.]
That's all, folks.
Oh, don't forget to change the filter.
Foxxy: denzel! [Funk music playing.]
[Horn honks.]
[dog barks.]
[Crashes.]
[Crying.]