Eastbound & Down s03e04 Episode Script

May the white horse take you to the furthest reaches of man's imaginations.
I'm gonna miss you, bro.
Hey, man.
You know I have this kid and shit right now, and Lowering him into the Can-Am, and Carrying him around town is a little illegal, and impractical.
If you don't want me to take your truck, give me a sign right now.
Three seconds to go, sign Two, one.
No more signs can be given.
Well played, hombre.
I won't forget you.
Maria! Have you seen my Gold Bond? Good morning, everyone.
What's up, Kenny? The kid is cursed.
Cursed? What are you talking about? Think about it, all Kid drives me and April apart.
Kid drives April nuts.
.
You bring him to my game, I momentarily lose for no all my abilities.
And now, Shane is dead.
Shane is dead? Yeah.
What? How? It doesn't matter, I wasn't there.
Oh my Go I can't believe this.
Toby Hey What do you want from me? I've been super cool to you.
I've given you a bowl of Chex Mix and some water.
Why are you making curses upon me? I don't know.
I thought your baby would be cooler.
No offense.
Stevie, shut up.
How do I erase this curse? If I give you a toy, will that raise the curse? Will you stop fucking up my life, Toby? Fuck Kenny.
How is it going in this morning? My best friend's dead.
How do you think it's going in this morning? Yes, I am sorry to hear about Shawn.
Shane.
Yeah, Shane.
You know, a lot of people think that if you hadn't come here, maybe none of this would have happened.
Maybe Shane would still be alive.
He overdosed to death on drugs.
Correct? Alone.
Yes.
That's what the doctors say.
But maybe if someone would've listened to their mentor, and wouldn't have been showboating.
Then maybe Shane wouldn't have been so compelled to do a shit ton of cocaine.
Maybe he would have just done the normal amount of cocaine, he'd still be alive.
Yeah, I was not showboating, okay.
I was playing to win.
Oh, aren't you a poet and a murderer.
You're crazy if you think you can just swoop in here, and I'm weakened and you can take my power.
You're not gonna be team leader.
I'm unstoppable.
You're really You have major problems inside your brain, my friend.
Oh yeah, well Your dick is all dumb and smashed in and played out in those roller-skating shorts.
You don't know nothing about my dick.
And you don't know nothing about surfing.
Yeah, and you don't know anything about Lance Mountain.
Or fucking Steve Caballero.
This is porno? No, these are goddamn skateboarders, bro.
Well, let's just agree to agree.
Learn the language, dog.
Maybe I will do that.
After I go and eat this waves, and make them in my shit.
Yeah, well hopefully when you go out there, you'll find your green card, and surf on the fuck home.
Hey, Balki.
We already lost one Mermens this week.
Maybe you can make it two.
Fucking poser.
Crazy, man.
I know, I can't believe he's dead.
No, I mean, the fact that you can capture HD video on a little phone like this.
Is that a video or the camera? It's HD videos.
Oh, HD I win.
Stevie, what are you doing? I'm just making sure he's dead.
Come in, close.
Let's get a shot of you guys together.
We'll miss you, Shane.
Hold on, don't smile in this one.
- Okay.
Wave, though? - Say it's sad.
- Be sad, Shane's dead.
- Okay.
Oh, hey.
Uh Hello.
Are you guys, the family? Immediate family.
You know, the viewing doesn't start for another hour.
Yes, sir, I know.
That's why we got here early.
Just wanted to spend a little alone time with the cadaver.
Well That's what we wanna do, too.
What a coincidence.
Welcome.
We're all in this together now.
Except for you, Stevie.
Give us some space.
Oh, sorry.
This is him.
This is your son, guys.
Oh, Shane.
He looks so peaceful.
Oh, my boy They did a nice job.
The heavens needed another star in the sky.
Oh! Here, take these back.
Uh, these are Shane's favorite pair of Oakley Blades.
I think he'd want them.
No! No.
Who are you, again? I am Kenny Powers.
I was I was, Shane's best friend.
With your blessing, I am prepared to deliver the eulogy at the funeral.
Uh, um, no His grandfather has prepared some words.
Grandfather? Well, just so you know, I have performed at funerals before.
So, if the old man loses his nerve or chokes up, I can easily fill in.
Or if you want me and gramps to do a sort of back-and-forth type thing.
That can also be arranged.
Would you Please just go ahead and leave? My We'd like to spend some time with our son.
I'd love for you guys to do that.
That's fantastic.
Thank you.
Yeah.
I know how you guys feel.
I'd give absolutely anything to see his smiling face alive one more time.
What the fuck? Hi, how you doing? I'm Cole.
Shane's brother.
I'm Kenny Powers.
Shane's best friend.
In the whole year that I have spent hanging out with this dude, he has never mentioned once that he has a twin brother.
Yeah, well that's Shane for you.
Man of mystery.
What are you doing? That's a good one.
I gotta get your guys' e-mail addresses, this one got all three of you And the tip of Shane's face.
Maria, I don't know why you're wasting your time reading to him in Spanish.
To him, it probably just sounds like a bunch of garbley gook, like it does to me.
He likes stories.
Oh, I bet he does.
But, I got a little something here I think he's gonna like more than foreign words.
Toby.
In an attempt to make peace so you stop fucking up my shit, I present you with this.
Your first pet.
It's a hermit crab and I believe his name is Spurgen.
Ooo, with a name like Spurgen, you know he gets pussy.
So, there you go.
Enjoy him.
Lift the curse.
Stop fucking up my life.
And get on the Myrtle Beach vibe, man.
Do, do, do, do, dah, do, do, oh And now, we'll observe a moment of silence.
For our late, great Merman Shane Gerald.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh Moment of silence! Shh Oh I'm just, I'm just meditating, baby.
You, you help with him.
I go take shower.
Just take a shower with him.
Take him in there with you.
It doesn't matter if he sees your private parts.
You could put him like an inch away from your pussy, and he wouldn't even know.
This life is no good for me and you.
We, we go home.
You're doing a great job.
Even Kenny says so.
Okay, just Please, will you just go inside? I need to, I need to focus on some work.
Great job.
Keep it up.
Chapter Four: Loss, Fears, and Doubts.
Have I had moments where I question this comeback? Moments where doubt haunted my mind? The easy answer is yes.
But the difficult and truly great answer is No.
I've trained my mind and heart to the methods only known to myself.
To have no doubt, and only fear of things you should be afraid of.
Like fire or bears, or even angel dust.
Mr.
Powers? Can I help you? Hey, what's going on? I don't know.
I don't even know why I came over here.
I guess, just instinctually, this is the place I would always run to, whenever I had questions that only Shane could answer.
What're you looking at me for? I just thought that maybe I could take you to where me and Shane used to hang.
To discuss our feelings and emotional issues Mmm No, I, uh, that's okay.
I'm, I'm just gonna Stay here with the family, thank you.
No, I get it.
You guys are all mourning and stuff.
I am too.
Yeah.
Maybe we should just be together in this time of need.
Just hang here.
Pop a few beers.
Maybe throw on some high-definition Blu-Rays.
Uh I'll go.
I'll go.
Let's go.
Okay, great.
This is gonna be fun.
Awesome.
Let's go.
- Thanks a lot.
- Thank you.
Why did you invite me out and not bring any cash? Oh, I know, that's my bad.
But, I'll get you on the next one.
I got a tab.
Look at all this fine trim, walking around here.
Huh? A little young for my tastes.
Not for Shane's.
One time, Shane lost his pinky ring, fucking around with a girl's C-section scar, in the bathroom here.
I'm gonna shoot you straight, Cole.
I'm not doing so hot.
Really? Oh Yeah, my brother died, Kenny, so I know, shut up, listen.
Right now I could reallyuse.
I'm sorry, I don't know what to do for you.
Well, I do, because you guys are twins.
Do you think it would possible for you to maybe channel him? Or Is Shane too far gone to the spirit realm, now that the Twin hold connection No longer works? I'm not a medium for my twin brother that just passed away from an overdose.
I mean, have you ever tried to communicate with him when he's dead? Probably not I don't know what to tell you.
He's gone, Kenny, all right? To Shane.
I gotta go take a leak.
I bet you have a talent for cleaning bathrooms.
I have an eye for talent.
Okay, here's the deal.
The next thing they do, we have to do.
That would be lusty, huh? Deal? Go ahead, touch it.
Deal.
Okay.
That's right.
Uh Turn around.
Bend over.
Uh Yes You've been thinking about this all day at work, right? Huh, you little whore Uh, I'm gonna go take care of Toby.
Okay? What are, where are you Jesus.
Shh, shh, shh Why are you yell Watch.
Unbelievable.
All right, all right.
Shh What's up, dudes? Hey, Kenny.
Hey, what's up, Kate? She's a mess.
She's been crying nonstop.
Kate, sweetheart? What? Uh Would you mind coming to the door real quick, for just a second? What is it? You look like you've been crying bunches.
Death isn't nice, is it? Kate? Do you believe in magic? You mean like tricks and stuff? Just like any kind of magic, just Sorcery, mysticisms.
I believe in sorcery.
Cool.
Then say it with me.
Magical Adventures, 1, 2, 3.
Magical Adventures, 1, 2, 3.
He has risen, indeed.
What is this, Kenny? Oh my God! Oh my fucking God! What have you done? - Shane? - What is this? This isn't Shane! This is Cole.
It's Shane's fucking twin brother.
Wh? Are you fucking kidding me? You're a fucking asshole.
It's okay I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.
I would never have come in and been a part of this.
No, it's just like, he's a twin.
You have to pull this trick with someone Jesus, she's having an asthma attack.
I'm outta here.
No, no.
Just let me make it better.
Sorry.
Okay, we're good.
Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go, let's go.
That didn't really go over as planned.
I thought it was a good way to kind of cut to the gravity of the situation.
But, guess you can never tell with women.
No, actually I agree with her.
You are a fucking asshole.
Excuse me? I'm not my brother, Kenny.
Okay, I've been biting my tongue all day today, but I just can't do it any-ore.
I know it's the decent thing but I, I just can't do it anymore.
All right? Shane was a goddamn deadbeat.
There, I said it.
Hey, easy, man.
That's no way to talk about a dead person.
I talked about him like that when he was living.
I don't give a shit.
Goddamn asshole thought he was eighteen years old.
Made life miserable for anyone that even cared about him.
Fuck Shane.
Goddamn, well, you know what? Underneath your identical face, you are nothing like your brother.
I mean, I'm just floored that you would say "Fuck Shane.
" That's because you're a fucking idiot, too.
I want you to get out of my truck right now.
Your truck? That's hilarious.
KENNY.
That's a good one.
You know, this truck is identical to the one that's described on Shane's lease.
I'm sure that's just a coincidence? Right? Nope.
Shane and I had identical taste.
Mmm.
We bought the same truck.
The only difference is mine has a cannon ball in the tailgate.
That's how we'd always tell them apart.
Are you kidding me? Do you think we're idiots? Like we don't know what's going on here? You know what? I've had enough.
Okay? I brought you out here tonight, to show you how Shane used to live And to fucking make you feel good.
And instead all you been doing is cussing him and throwing accusations.
I want you out, go.
Fine.
These are the dumbest fucking doors I've ever seen in my life.
It's up and then in.
Yeah, I get it.
Thanks.
You know what? You and Shane were meant for each other.
Two peas in a fucking pod.
Semi-decent turnout to the funeral.
These people are looking super sad.
There's a lot of hot bes, though.
This isn't what Shane would've wanted.
Watch the truck.
I'm gonna go pay my final respects.
I just want to say a few words about my grandson.
He was always my little man.
Even when he wasn't so little.
We're gonna miss you, little man.
Don't bury him yet.
I'd love to add to the speeches.
Now maybe Oh, my fucking God.
I didn't mean to treat you bad But I did anyway Then maybe Your friends they stand around They watch you crumble As fall onto the ground And then someday What's wrong? Do you have a cigarette? No.
I only smoke weed.
I just couldn't handle seeing my brother like that.
Were you a friend of his? Um Yeah, you could say that.
Do you, do you want me to come sit with you for awhile? That'd be nice.
Okay.
End of intro to funeral speech.
Good afternoon to everyone.
I'm Kenny Powers, and if you're here Then you're someone Shane cared about.
You're someone Shane loved.
Or maybe you're just somebody who has no business being here at all.
Who's just here, because you think it's gonna make you more popular.
Like Ivan.
Everyone's wondering why you're here.
Because you didn't even know Shane.
Don't worry about it, though.
It's cool.
No one's complaining.
You know, Shane and I used to fuck around, big time.
We'd fucking party hard.
We'd ride our vehicles around.
Slay ass.
We also watched a lot of cinema films together.
We loved the movie, Top Gun.
Often times, we would joke with each other Who was Goose and who was Tom Cruise.
Well, now that Shane is dead, I guess we know who is Goose.
Oh my God.
Shane is Goose.
Because in that motion picture, Goose dies, so Shane isis dead, so he would be Goose.
And that would make me Tom Cruise.
I'm Tom Cruise, guys.
Do you Would you like a hug? Yeah? Oh, it's all right.
It's okay.
Well die.
We all die.
Everyone at the funeral, close your eyes.
Ojos fucking closos, now.
No, no you don't have to close your eyes, everybody.
Cole, I know your sad, dog.
Don't let your sadness overcome, and make you rude.
Everyone, close your eyes.
Close your eyes, everybody.
Now picture Shane's face.
Happy Well-manicured facial hair.
His body youthful and full of life.
Now picture Shane now.
His cold, lifeless face.
Eyeballs mushed and smashed in.
Little strands of hair still just coming off his head.
Looks all scary, like that little smart-ass From Tales From the Crypt.
The little crypt-keeper guy.
That's the kind of skeleton that Shane is now.
Open your eyes.
Everyone open them.
What do you see? You see me.
Shane now lives through me.
I have his power.
Oh, I wanna fuck you Get that dick out.
Get your belt, get your belt! Get your pussy out, get your pussy out.
Not only do I have the fuel of Kenny Powers inside of me, I now have all of Shane's fucking powers too.
So anyone who wants to step up to this shit, better recognize.
Not that one, we already heard that one.
This, this next song is the one for this part of the funeral.
This is Shane's favorite song, guys.
Me too! Oh! Sorry you didn't meet him But I'm glad we talked Yeah.
Oh I Oh I'm still alive Oh Okay, get off me now.
Mmm, mmm Sorry I have to I gotta go No, stay No, I Nowatch the funeral.
Please? No, stay Watch the funeral.
I love you! No, you don't Oh, God.
Stop, stop, stop Kenny, give it! This is what Shane would've wanted.
Give it! Ugh I'm still alive! Stevie! Stevie! What's with the human chain? You guys trying to play Red Rover? It's a funny thing, Kenny.
The VIN number on your truck, matches Shane's VIN number.
You don't even like him.
Get out of the fucking truck.
Jesus Christ! Goddamn moron! Fucking He gave it to me.
He gave it to me! What the hell is that smell? I puked myself.
Oh, Jesus.
I left my mobile cellular smart phone in the center console.
Please call it.
It went to voicemail.
Hello, uh, Kenny's phone.
Uh, well, I believe this is Cole.
Uh, this is Steve Did, uh That's my phone.
Now nobody has a phone.
That was dumb, Kenny.
Now nobody has a phone.
Where is this battery? Now nobody has a phone.
How about a bedtime story? After all my years as a traveling salesman, I finally was gonna get into the Mile High Club.
When I unzipped my pants and slipped my Pixie stick into her Barbie dream house.
I thought I would blow my Big League Chew.
Instead, I concentrated on her huge Party balloons and pepperonis.
And when I inserted a finger into her Play-Doh factory, I pulled out just in time to shoot my pacifier All over her beautiful, shaved, uh Her beautiful, shaved lamp.
Then I shook the porridge Off of my LEGO sword.
And smiled warmly.
Knowing she was satisfied by her shiveringbaby crib.
The End.