Empty Nest (1988) s03e04 Episode Script

Life goes on, and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery One by one we fill the days We find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on ah, Laverne, how do you like Jimmy's new cast there? Snazzy, huh? Oh, can I be the first to initial it? - Okay, my turn! - No time! - Bye, Jimmy! - Bye.
Just once I'd like to sign a cast around here.
Yeah, yeah A couple of messages.
Barbara called, she won't be able to make it to dinner tonight, she's goin' to Disney world with Matt and the kids.
Oh, really? That sounds serious.
No, no, no, they're just friends.
They was big buddies at the police academy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, the tall guy with the curly hair.
No, that's Dennis! Matt's the one what just got divorced and moved back to town with his two kids.
Then who's this Dennis? That's the one she likes! She spent all last weekend over to his Never mind! Never mind.
Come on, what else have you got? Dr.
Phillip's office just phoned and canceled that penicillin shot.
Seems the doctor was called out of town.
Darn, the Simmons boy had the strep.
I really could've used that shot just in case.
Well, why don't you give it to yourself? Ugh, ugh, ugh! Ugh, I've never been able to do that.
Well fine, I'll do it.
Just go in there and drop 'em, I'll be right in.
Laverne, I don't need to go in there.
Well, we're sure as hell not gonna do it out here.
Those young 'uns are scared enough as it is.
Laverne, forget the shot.
I don't need the shot.
Well, fine.
But if your butt changes its mind, just back it on in to exam room one.
- Hey, Harry.
- Hello.
I need your opinion about this book I'm writing.
Don't do it.
Well, just tell me what you think of the title.
My life at sea or a woman in every porthole.
Charley, why are you doing this? Well, you see, I ran into this publisher on the cruise ship, and I told him about a couple of my adventures and how I thought it would make a pretty good book, and he said, and I quote: "Yeah, sure.
" So I'm doin' it! Anyway, what I really need, Harry, because I'm so busy livin' this stuff, is a guy like you.
Retired, with a lot of extra time on his hands to write the thing for me.
Charley, I'm a practicing pediatrician.
Still beatin' that horse, huh? Charley, you are on your own with this one.
Daddy, they accepted me at the zoo.
Was there ever any doubt? Charley, I happen to have been hand-picked to volunteer for a very important animal research project.
Does this have anything to do with you jumping up and down on samsonite luggage? - Daddy! - Charley! Ahead of ya.
Honey, the zoo thing sounds great.
What kind of work are you gonna be doing? Well, twice a week during my lunch break from the library, I'm going to be observing a pair of rare pandas taking notes on how much bamboo they eat, when they sleep, things like that.
What made you decide to do this? Daddy, please! Our planet is being plundered by a human race consumed with greed, oblivious to the cost to all other living species! And the guy running the program looks like - Kevin costner.
- Uh-huh.
- Hi.
- Hi, sweetheart.
How are you? How's Matt doin'? Who knows? We didn't even get a chance to talk.
Those kids are impossible! What happened? Well, it took forever to get in the car, they kept fighting over the seats, and then we waited in line for 45 minutes for a ride and just when it's our turn, the kids get tired so we have to take them home.
Of course the second we get back in the car, they're up again asking questions, doing riddles.
I mean, they're sucking the life out of this man! Barbara, that sounds like a very good father, and the kids sound very normal.
I don't know.
A lot of their stories seem really pointless.
Well, Barbara, you'd better get used to it.
She's right, dear.
That's what it's gonna be like someday for you when you're a mommy.
Ha, ha, ha.
Great.
Dr.
Weston's office.
Oh, hi, Dr.
WASSERMAN! He was supposed to be at your office 20 minutes ago for his penicillin shot? Well, isn't that interesting? No, don't worry.
He'll get the message.
Oh boy, I'm 20 minutes late for my lunch.
Okay, I'll see you after I have my lunch.
Which I'm on my way to eat.
Now! Tell Dr.
WASSERMAN I said hey.
Laverne, I can explain What at first may appear to be a lie, upon closer inspection, actually is a lie.
I'm sorry.
What in the world would make you go to someone else for a shot? Well Laverne, it's a very complicated issue, you and I have worked long and hard to define our professional relationship to maintain that delicate balance between doctor and nurse personal and business What are you sayin'? I don't want you to see my hiney.
Well, it's not gonna be a golden moment in my life either.
Well, I'm I'm sorry I'm just It's just Very embarrassing.
So what you're sayin' is you don't think that I'm professional enough to look on your rear end as just another faceless butt in the crowd.
Laverne, just call Dr.
WASSERMAN and cancel the appointment.
Let's forget this ever happened.
Fine.
If that's the way you want it.
If you think that thing's so valuable, I suggest you go sit in a safe deposit box.
Hi, daddy.
Boy, you sound in good spirits! Oh, it's just going so well at the zoo! I feel like sigourney Weaver in gorillas in the mist.
Only I have it better because they're safely behind bars and I don't have to touch the filthy things.
Now, don't get too attached.
And daddy, you'll never guess what happened while I was taking notes today.
What? The pandas sniffed each other.
Let's have cake! It's part of their mating ritual and they've never done it before! Everyone's very excited about it! Especially a certain to-die-for zoologist.
I think he likes me, daddy.
Ooh! - Hi.
- Hi, baby.
Oh! How did it go with Matt and the kids? Well, I bowled a 223 and won a free game.
Now I have to rethink my entire life.
Honey, everybody has an open frame now and then.
It's not the bowling, daddy.
It's being around those kids.
And then Matt asked me to babysit tomorrow so I lied to get out of it.
Then I felt guilty and missed a 7-10 split.
I guess it wasn't a complete waste.
I did learn something pretty important about myself.
Learning is good.
I'm not cut out to have kids.
Of course, too much knowledge is a very dangerous thing.
Daddy, I never realized how much responsibility goes into being a parent, how much freedom you give up.
I don't know why anybody would wanna do that on purpose.
Baby, you're forgetting the rewards! When you have kids you You get to mold them, watch them grow up, get their own lives, move out of the house.
Daddy's right.
Just talking about children, I can feel myself getting that special glow.
What is wrong with me? I thought all my life I would grow up like every little girl, you know, play with dolls, go to the prom, become a cop.
Have kids.
And now I don't know what I'm gonna do between the age of 30 and 50.
And those are kind of key years.
Honey, you're overreacting.
You won't feel this way when you're married.
It's different when they're your own kids.
Yeah, but what if it isn't? I'll already have children, it'll be too late.
Barbara, you can't decide not to be a mother based solely on what happened with Matt's kids.
No, it's not Matt's kids, daddy.
You were right.
They're They're fine.
They're like all kids.
It's just kids in general.
All right, all right.
Let's just say that Matt's kids are representative of all kids.
You still haven't spent enough time with them to make any kind of decision about motherhood.
Barbara It's too bad you decided not to babysit.
Because if you did, I bet once you were alone with them, you would love it.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
I'll call Matt and tell him I'll babysit.
Good! Just keep an open mind about it! I will.
And tomorrow, if I don't like it any better, I'll just know for sure that I'm never ever gonna have children.
I didn't say that! Did I say that? IThat's not what I was saying! Good morning, daddy.
Barbara leave to babysit already? Yep.
Mom for a day.
So I guess it's just a pleasant breakfast with Carol and daddy.
Would you stop with the butter? You wanna get a stroke in the driveway? Hello.
Oh, hello.
Well, yes.
Yes, I could.
All right, I'll see you then.
Bye.
That was him! - Who? - My zoologist.
He asked me to lunch.
I knew he liked me.
He said my work with the pandas is going unusually well and he wants me to start spending all my lunch hours there.
Oh! Sounds pretty good! It's so exciting, daddy! I've never had a relationship with a zoologist before.
Maybe we'll get married.
I'll buy my wedding gown at banana Republic.
Hi, westons.
Carol, are you gonna wear that today? Yes, why? No reason.
So, Harry, finished my book.
What do you think? Charley, this has to be 600 pages! two nights to do it.
Give it a read.
Call me ishmael.
"Some years ago, never mind how long precisely" Charley, excuse me, but by any chance does this lead to a confrontation with a great white whale? What? Did I tip it? Charley, this is Moby dick.
Nuh-uh! Yes, it is! It's Moby dick! This is nuts.
You can't get away with that! Oh, get real! This was written over 100 years ago.
Who's gonna notice it except for you and me and a couple of nobel prize winners? Charley, it's called plagiarism.
It's against the law! Okay, so I'll change a few words.
How about this? "There once was a man from nantucket, who" Whoa! Charley, that's a dirty limerick.
Do you know everything? - Say good-bye to daddy.
- Good-bye! All right! Okay! I'm gonna be the best babysitter you ever had! And not only is it gonna be fun for you, but it's gonna be fun for me too.
And don't be surprised if by the end of the day, you see a special glow on my face.
When's our daddy gonna be back? - Yeah! - In a few hours.
Tell you what Why don't I make you my famous home-made waffles? Where's your toaster? No thank you.
We had breakfast yesterday.
- Yeah! - Can we watch TV? Okay, let's watch TV.
That'll be fun! There's a cow Ooh, this looks good.
- There's a lady - Okay, let's watch this! There's a car There's a bird There's some soap And there's that cow again! Soap-cow, soap-cow, soap-cow, soap-cow, soap-cow, soap Well, that was fun, wasn't it? But I got a better idea.
Why don't we sit around and talk and get to know each other better? - Okay! - Yeah! So what do you wanna talk about? Where did the dinosaurs go? Yeah! - Well, they all died.
- How come? 'Cause they got real old and stuff.
I would think.
You mean they all got old at the same time? Hmm Good point.
Well, why don't we look it up and find out? And that'll be fun, won't it? - No! - What happened to "yeah"? "And so most authorities agree "it was the result of meteor showers "during the cretaceous period that led to the dinosaurs' extinction.
" There seems to be a few more theories here, would you like me to read them? No! No glow.
Nothing.
Hi Barbara, I made this casserole.
I thought maybe you could use some help.
Well thank you, Carol, but I'm doing just fine.
Hi, kids.
I hope you didn't fill up on breakfast.
We didn't have breakfast.
Barbara! What? I tried, they didn't want it.
- We had breakfast yesterday.
- Yeah! Well, that's not good enough.
Because yesterday is as far away from today as tomorrow is from now.
- We'd better eat.
- Yeah! I made a yummy casserole, and there's enough for everybody to have seconds.
- Where did the dinosaurs go? - Yeah! Well, no one's really sure.
But I think they were eaten up by the tickle-monster! Can I talk to you for a second? How did you know about the tickle-monster thing? Well, you spend enough time with kids, you just sort of pick it up.
So the first time you were around kids, you didn't have fun? Oh, no! That was the best! Simon says you're statues! Anyway, the first few times with kids were the most fun because you never know what's going to happen next.
They always keep you guessing.
Oh, I wish I could stay here all day.
But a certain zoologist is waiting for me.
Bye, Barbara.
Simon says you're kangaroos! Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing Carol, change them back! Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing My, my, my! What an honor! You've parked your shrine in my chair.
Move it.
Laverne, can't you understand? I just feel very uncomfortable about this whole injection thing.
Well, now - there is an alternative.
- What? Well, I could give it to you in your elbow, I mean it's not like you'd know the difference between Ah! No, it's all right.
Daddy Something terrible happened.
What, dear? I had lunch with the zoologist.
He's not interested in me.
- Oh, Carol, I'm so sorry.
- That's not all, daddy.
It turns out the reason he wants me around more at the zoo is I have this rather strange effect on the pandas.
What? Well, it seems that whenever I'm around, they Get friendly.
So? Very friendly! Well, that sounds How friendly are we talking? They have sex, daddy.
And it's only when I'm around.
I appear to have the same effect on them as candlelight and Julio iglesias.
Oh, Carol! Oh daddy, why can't I have this effect on my own species? Oh, honey, no.
I know how you must feel.
Actually, I don't have the remotest notion of how you feel.
Daddy, what are you doing here? Hi, sweetheart.
I just thought I'd drop by and see how motherhood's agreeing with you.
Daddy, is there something wrong with me? Of course not.
Cause it feels like there is.
I mean, all day long I've been waiting for the special glow that seems to come so easily for everyone else, and it's just not happening for me.
Guess I'm not cut out to be a mother.
I'm sorry to be such a disappointment to you.
Barbara, you could never be a disappointment to me.
I just want you to be happy, babe.
And whether you have children or not, I will always love you.
Thank you, daddy.
Barbara, I can't sleep! Larry, what's wrong? Oh, nothing.
It's okay now.
All right, good night.
No, don't! Are you afraid? Is it the dark? Oh, my god! I used to be so afraid of the dark! - Really? - Yeah! And my sister used to give me a real hard time about it too.
Mine too.
What did you do? Well, I'd say to myself: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me.
" And that helped? No, then I'd smack her.
But I'd get in trouble.
But then I found this really cool way to be in the dark.
I already have a night light.
No! Those things stink! You see, what I did, is I'd get all my stuffed animals and I'd put 'em all around my bed like a little army to protect me.
Sounds kinda sissy.
Yeah? You think so? Well you could handle it like we do on the force! You take your four best men and you deploy them strategically around the perimeter.
Well, my Teddy bear's pretty tough.
Okay, we'll put him closest to the door.
What else you got? There's my fox, my tiger and my raccoon! All right! And you're gonna need a sharp shooter in a high place for cover.
Well Try the clown! I don't know why, but he may have a real good eye.
Okay! Here.
Well, you look pretty well-protected to me.
But I could still leave the light on if you want.
Nah, that's okay.
Well Maybe if you leave the door open just a crack.
Okay.
Thanks, Barbara.
What happened up there? Daddy, I think I'm beginning to get this parent thing now.
Oh? Yes, I just felt one of those rewards you were talking about.
And I liked it.
What? What's that smile? Just a glow.
Hi, honey.
Daddy! Oh, honey I felt bad I couldn't help you before.
I've been giving your problem a lot of thought and I think I've figured out the silver lining here.
Thank you, daddy.
Now maybe the zoologist didn't work out, but think about what you're accomplishing here! I mean, the preservation of an endangered species is such a noble and Ah, there they go again! You were saying, daddy? Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah Anyway, I would Ha Um See what you're doing here would benefit not only us but our children, and our children's This is incredible! They only do this when you're You're here? Honey, do me a favor.
Walk away for a minute.
All right.
Now come back.
Honey, I was wrong, there is no silver lining.
This is just weird.
Okay, bye-bye, my dear.
See you.
Oh, that's it.
The last of them for the day.
- Oh, boy, I am so beat.
- Stop! Are you sure you want me to hear that? Why not? Well, it might upset the delicate balance between doctor and nurse.
Personal and business.
All right Laverne, you've made your point.
Enough.
It was wrong of me to think you could not give me your shot in a totally professional manner.
I'm sorry and I apologize.
Now I would appreciate it very much if you would give me that injection right now.
Please.
Well, I don't know.
- Exam room one? - Fine.
All right, doctor, whenever you're ready.