Everybody Loves Raymond s03e04 Episode Script

- Hey, Doodles.
- Hey.
Want to see my jewelry box? Okay, yeah.
Want to see my shoe tree? Look.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Pretty, huh? - It's nice, yeah.
- Yeah.
No, no! Don't touch it.
Glue's not dry yet.
- I made it for the auction.
- What auction? The auction, Ray.
It's all I've been talking about for the past month.
I'm on the organizing committee, the auction for Ally's school for the playground equipment - the auction! - I know, I remember.
The auction, you're on the committee for the playground equipment.
That's all you've been talking about I listen to you.
Wow, did you do that yourself? They're coming! Excu excuse me.
Um, hi, welcome to Our Lady of Faith's Auction Night.
I'm Debra Barone.
We're gonna start the live auction in a few minutes, so this is your last chance to sign up for this silent one.
And I hope everybody's having a lot of fun.
Thank you.
Frank, you're bidding on the pedicure? Why are you signing up for all these things? Leave me alone, I'm just trying to drive the prices up.
Just trying to be a big shot.
Why don't you pick one little thing that you really like Hey, hey, silent auction.
I can't do this.
Why did I let her talk me into this? I don't want to be in front of people.
I don't wanna be no stinking auctioneer.
You gonna eat that spumoni? - Ray, it's time, come on.
- Listen, no why doesn't Robert do it? He's tall, got a good voice.
- Yeah, they'd hear me.
- You should do it, you can talk - Yeah, just speak.
Speak.
- Hi.
Hi everybody, I guess it's time for the live auction.
I'm Ray.
I'm Ray the auction guy.
And, uh how about a hand for the roast beef? Let's hear it for that roast beef.
I guess what, are the rest of you are veterinarians or something? I mean vegetarians.
Anyway, listen, we're here for the kids because, uh, they're the future and they deserve they deserves a new playground, really.
So that they can slide and swing upside down and break their necks.
- Just start.
- Okay.
Here we go, we're gonna start with the with the jewelry box - where you, uh - Put your jewelry.
put your jewelry right in that.
And we'll start the bidding at, what? - 20.
- Dollars? Yeah, $20.
$20 Who's gonna bid $20 for this fine piece of craftsmanship, finely crafted by a fine craftsman who I happen to sleep with? Sorry, uh so, 20, that's all.
Let's start a bidding at $20.
It's a fine piece.
Look at the fine drawers.
$20, that's all we How about $15? Oops.
Three? Do I hear $3 for this finely, finely crafted pile of rubble almost? Who's got a bag? If you've got a bag, you can have it.
Oh, mercy bid, right there.
Thank you.
Thank you, Officer Barone.
You can lock up your tiny little prisoners in there, although I think it's gonna be easy for them to get out.
Everything my wife touches falls off, so you can guess how scared I am.
Hey, puddlepants.
Now, give Gumby some Pokey.
Whoa! I don't wanna say that was cold, but if your mouth opened a little light would come on.
I'm just not really in the mood, okay? Come on.
What, not in the mood? Tonight was great.
The kids got the new playground and I got the golf thing, you got to go home with the auctioneer.
So who's in the mood? Do I hear in the mood? Aren't you afraid if I touch it, it'll fall off? That was a good joke, wasn't it? People asked me if I'd planned that, and I said, "No, I just came up with it like that.
" You're a brilliant farceur.
Come on.
I know, you're mad at the jokes.
You just you just couldn't stop, could you, Ray? I was killing them, it was great.
That box falling apart, that was the best thing that could've happen.
That broke the ice.
You embarrassed me.
What? No! It was all fun.
Come on, I told you, people thought that we did it on purpose.
I felt humiliated.
Don't feel humiliated.
Don't tell me how to feel.
But you're wrong.
There's no right or wrong, this is how I feel.
You can not tell me not to be humiliated, I just am.
- Okay, all right, feel humiliated.
- I don't anymore.
- Okay, all right - Now I'm just angry.
I mean, I can't believe I can't believe you it's bad enough what you did to me tonight, but you don't even care how I feel about it.
All you care about is how well you did, you laugh-whore.
Maybe you should go back to being humiliated.
Come on, what do you don't be such a bad sport.
What if you were me? What would you do? I would laugh at all my husband's jokes, strip off my clothes, have my way with him and then put on Tv.
Keep dreaming.
I would I'd be so naughty.
I might even talk dirty, oh! So let me get this straight.
What you did to me tonight wouldn't bother you? Bother? I would be flattered.
Oh yeah? All right, we'll see.
What? What? - What do you mean, we'll see? - None of your business.
What are you gonna do, try and get me or something? Let's just say, prepare to be flattered.
Come on.
You know, they say couples shouldn't go to bed angry.
I'm not angry anymore.
Good night.
You're not angry anymore? I might not believe you.
You might have to prove that.
I see.
That's how you're gonna get me, holding back sex? How original.
You think that's gonna get me? I'm a sex camel.
Without sex.
Sex camel.
That's a good one.
Sex camel.
I should write that one down.
Laugh it up, funny man.
Okay, what? You think I'm scared now? I'm not scared, girlie.
You hear me? I'm not scared.
I'm not scared.
Ow, Mommy, ow.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah.
Just a little temporary blindness.
Listen, Ray, I was thinking about the auction last night and all the jokes that you made and you know, I was taking myself too seriously.
You were right, so, I just want to apologize.
- Really? - Yeah.
Because the fact is, you were just a great auctioneer.
So, you know, thank you.
What about you saying that you're gonna get me back? That was just in the heat of the moment.
I'm not gonna get you.
- I want juice.
- What do you say, Ally? - Please.
- You want something, Ray? Juice is good.
Please.
There's really only enough left for Ally.
You want something else? How about a soda? - Soda for breakfast? - That's all we have.
- There.
- All right.
Mommy, may I have a soda, please? That was a very nice way to ask for it, Ally.
No, honey.
Wait a minute.
You shook this, didn't you? - What? No.
- Soda for breakfast.
You want this to explode in my face.
- Why would I want that? - We all know why.
Soda in my face, Bengay in my shorts, Ex-Lax in the brownies.
I went to camp.
I'm not gonna get you, Ray.
How about the grapefruit? You think I rigged a grapefruit to squirt in your eye? Doesn't really sound like a denial.
I'm telling you, I'm not I know you're telling me you're not, so I will think you'll not.
But I am not that big an idiot.
Ray, nothing's going to happen.
So just drink your soda.
- You drink it.
- I don't want it.
Ah, yeah! How about I'll give it to Ally.
I don't want her having soda for breakfast.
- Just to open it for me.
- Okay, go.
Fine.
Yeah, you would do that.
You would let it explode in your own daughter's face, your own flesh and blood.
Go ahead.
What kind of mother are you? The kind of mother who's gonna be awarded custody when they take you to the booby hatch.
Ally, go get dressed, honey.
Debra, what kind of con game are you running? It's your own fault, Frank.
Who told you to sign up for all those things? I didn't expect to win this crap.
- It's not crap.
- Oh yeah? $80 for the use of a canoe.
That is floating crap.
Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic.
Guess you didn't see "Deliverance.
" - Ray, you gonna drink this or what? - Okay.
You got your audience now, right? Everybody's here, I open the yeah, big laugh on Raymond.
Dad, Dad, no! What's your problem? See, I told you.
Yeah, you did.
Of course.
Of course, why would you settle for soda? That's not satisfying.
You see me spill soda on myself every day.
It's gonna be much bigger than soda, isn't it? My car, my job, my most intimate of areas.
I'm watching you.
I'm watch Okay.
I'll give him the message.
Yeah.
Bye-bye.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
That was Clarence, the guy who's coordinating - your celebrity golf thing.
- Oh yeah? He said you should use the west entrance of the country club.
West entrance.
Okay, got it.
And bring your rubber spikes instead of the metal ones.
Really? Thanks.
You see that? She's evil.
- What? - I told you.
It's bigger than soda.
That's where it's all going down, at the Pro-Am.
- You mean where she gonna get you? - Shut up.
Yes, of course, it's perfect.
She's always been jealous of my golf.
She knows how much I love it and how much time and money I spend on it.
She wants to humiliate me with my mistress.
I know her.
I know her.
I am hip to her jive.
But she's hip to me too.
So that's why listen, you got to go in there and find out what she's up to.
- How? - Do what cops do.
I don't know, just get the truth.
Make her talk before she lawyers up.
Come on, I don't know, use the big light.
What are you, loopy? She's your wife, she's not gonna humiliate you.
I don't have time to explain marriage to you.
Please, come on, just go do it.
Debra's soda, okay.
Are you gonna get Raymond? No.
- What, what, what? - She's not gonna get you.
- How do you know? - 'Cause I said to her are you gonna get Raymond? She said no.
Case closed.
- That's it? - She also said the twins aren't yours.
Come on.
Come on.
Really, what's going on? I know when people are up to something.
- I can smell it.
- And she smells all right? She smells very good.
Oh my God, she got to you, didn't she? - You're both in on it.
- You're talking crazy.
- Sure, you'd love to get me too, huh? - What? You'd love to see me humiliated.
Isn't that right, my brother? Raymond, Raymond, Raymond.
All right.
Wake up, wake up.
What? What's wrong? Just so you know, I canceled it.
- What? Canceled what? - The golf outing.
- Backed out.
- What? Why? Why? Because you smell, sweetheart.
Oh my God, I have to leave you.
No, no.
That's where you're gonna do it.
That's where you're gonna set your trap.
I know how your mind works.
You don't even know how your mind works.
I'm not going to get you.
Will you just do it? All right, come on! Whatever you're gonna do, just do it now, 'cause I can't take it anymore.
You're really worried about this.
- I'm not worried, I'm anxious.
- So you're feeling anxious? - I'm feeling anxious.
- You shouldn't.
- What? - Don't feel that way.
Don't tell me how to feel! And there it is.
Huh? I'll just give you a moment to put it together.
After the auction, Ray, when I was feeling embarrassed and humiliated, didn't you say the same thing to me? - "Don't feel that way.
" Remember that? - I do remember that.
Because that's when you started torturing me.
Oh, oh So you didn't do anything? You let me do this to myself? All week long I could have had soda? I could have had brownies? I could have worn underwear? So it was all me? That's how you got me? Nothing I could think of could screw you up more than what's already in that beautiful mind.
Good night, Ray.
That's right, beautiful mind.
'Cause it takes a beautiful mind to come up with not canceling the golf outing, but telling you that I did just to get you to spill your guts.
Okay? You're not the only clever one.
You zig, I zag.
- You canceled it, didn't you? - Yes! You see, Frank? No mosquitoes.
Oh, this is lovely.
I'm so glad we won this.
You're always against anything good.
Anything I might like.
It costs too much money.
Just have to why can't you just enjoy life? Oh, here we go! Frank! Frank! Frank! What are you doing? I don't have the paddles! Frank! Oh, Frank!