F is For Family (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

1 [POLKA MUSIC PLAYING.]
[POLISH PUTSKI.]
Aooba! You're listening to Polish Putski in the morning on your Quint Cities home for Polka, 84.
3, The Poke! This station fucking sucks now! [RADIO STATIC.]
[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING.]
I bet that fat chick's singing about getting railed.
It's the eternal struggle.
[ALARM CLOCK BLARES.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Bridget.
[CHRISTOPHER BLUE'S "HAPPY JUST TO BE ALIVE" PLAYING.]
And I'm happy just to be alive Happy just to be alive Happy just to be alive Yes, I am Hey, Phillip! My girlfriend's in the paper! Bridget Fitzsimmons.
[GRUNTING.]
[MARIE.]
Breakfast, Phillip! I made you Wuv You Waffles! Coming, Mama! [REDBONE'S "COME AND GE YOUR LOVE" PLAYING.]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [GRUNTS.]
Ah! Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [BOOM.]
[PLAYING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".]
Today I am 15.
Mustache should be popping in any minute.
Ow! Asshole wood! Go back to being a tree! Oh, no, Choczilla! We're surrounded by fruits and vegetables! [DASTARDLY LAUGH.]
Quick, feed me Choczillas brand super sugar cereal! [SUPER SUGAR BOWL.]
Two pounds of sugar in every box! And none of that pesky fiber! [ROARS.]
[ANNOUNCER.]
Sponsored by the Council for Children's Health, a division of Choczilla Foods.
Get out of here! - [BILL.]
Hey! - [MAUREEN.]
Dad! Listen up.
This is a big day.
Chet and the guys are coming over to help with the baby's room and we all have to pitch in.
The clock is ticking.
The baby's not due for a long time.
Well, that's what they said about you, but you came early.
Christ, you looked like a shaved guinea pig with no ears.
Daddy, I want to hammer something.
Oh, absolutely, Princess.
You can hammer out some sandwiches for the men with your mom and the rest of the ladies.
- Dad! - [DOOR OPENS.]
Greetings, family.
Is there anything anyone wants to say to me? Yeah, pick up a crowbar.
You're helping me rip out the back wall to get started on the baby's room.
I was gonna hang with my friends! Don't you see enough of those two dopes when you're in goblin land? Bolo and Lex aren't even my friends anymore! We broke up the band.
Some fan you are.
Kevin, can you give me a minute here? Christ, I'm trying to figure out how to take the side off this hunk of shit house that was way overpriced.
But your mother had to have it 'cause it was in a good school district! Shitload of help that did! Oh, but when she wants something, when she really wants something, - she just - Good morning! Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
There she is! How's the little one? [CHUCKLES.]
I'll tell you, this new room is gonna be beautiful! Happy birthday, sweetheart.
Ah, Jesus, I'm sorry.
Happy birthday, son.
What are you, 13, 14? I'm 15! Give me a break! There's three of you! Oh, I'm glad you're enjoying the spoon function of the Forkoontula.
Why not use the knife part to butter your toast? - I already buttered it.
- Well, do it again.
I need consumer feedback so we can tailor the ad campaign when we go into full production.
Plus you can practice making sandwiches for us men.
- Ow! - Ow! - Hey! For Christ sake, Bill! - Ow! - I can't afford to fix her eye again! - She started it! Ah, what's what Charlie Manson said! [GROANS.]
Maureen, you broke the oontula part! - I spent a fortune on these things.
- You spent what? Nothing.
This is not a play toy.
I've got enough on my mind today to babysit you.
- Go make sandwiches with the ladies.
- Ha ha.
You too, clear out, honey.
This is a work site.
- Dad.
- [MUMBLING.]
So boring.
Happy birthday.
Thanks, Dad.
Here's your present.
I didn't have time to wrap it.
Stupid dick! Labor camp for my birthday! Summer school! Fucking birds and their majestic beauty! That's the spirit! Hey, Frank, these plans Chet made for you look great.
Thank God for that guy.
Yeah, he's got quite a pair of shoulders on him.
And thank you fellas for helping me out.
Chet says we can get the demo finished and pour the foundation by the end of the week.
Oh, this shouldn't take long.
I once built seven latrines in one afternoon.
I once destroyed seven latrines in one afternoon.
Yes, you can accomplish just about anything with the proper motivation.
You get a building permit - from the town for this, Frank? - Nope.
Chet says I don't need one 'cause nobody's gonna see it in the back of the house.
I think you might need one.
Yeah, that's a load-bearing wall, Frank.
So you definitely need Babe, you're an electrician, not a fucking wall builder.
If Chet says it's okay, then it's okay! Hey, we got a mutiny going on here? Oh, there he is.
Hey, Chet.
Hiya, fellas.
Sergeant Schultz, how are you? I see nothing funny about that show.
Sandwich-making time! Nguyen-Nguyen, thank you for giving up your Saturday to help us.
Oh, yes.
Better to wax Chet's truck at nighttime anyway.
Sniper don't see you then.
If one brother's deceased And the other is a priest You're Italian Oh, we are gonna have fun today.
Just the gals gossiping and making authentic Italian sandwiches.
The only Italian she knows is the dressing.
That's why she's putting on all the weight.
I didn't hear that.
Fat and deaf.
Do you know what would be perfect for this job? The Forkoontula.
Oh, your little kitchen toy! I love it.
It's wonderful.
Marie, let's get your Forkoontula out and put it to use! It's in the dishwasher.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
That's how much I use it.
Evelyn, why don't you run home and get yours? Um Someone broke into our home last night and stole it.
But they left a note saying how nice it was.
Good thing I keep one with me at all times! [ALL.]
Oh.
Marie, why don't you do the honors? Oop.
I hear Phillip.
Be right back.
Mommy's coming, lovey from my tummy! She's a-turning that boy into a finoch.
Phillip, are you okay? Fine, Mother.
I hope you're being nice to your brother.
Phillip.
Phillip, um, you know what? Um, you know what? Um, you know what? I got one of these.
Congratulations, Anthony.
Why are you so cranky today, Philly? I just want to play with Bill.
You sure your highway is not backed up? I went this morning.
You're supposed to tell Mommy.
Well, we've got a full day of fun ahead of us.
Let's play Tobacco Town! Race you across the Brown Rainbow to Menthol Mountain! You want to go first, Bill? [BILL.]
Bridget has the prettiest smile.
[GROWLS.]
You sure you're okay? I'm fine, thank you.
But let's play a different game.
Okay.
What do you want to play? Car Crash.
Okay, Frank, let's see what we got here.
[ALL.]
Ooh.
I got it from a guy off his truck under the route 23 overpass.
He was selling wood.
And lobsters! It's gorgeous.
Frank, this is all substandard.
Oh, yeah, it's shit.
Oh, Christ.
Really? [CHET.]
Looks a little warped, too.
Warped? How could that happen? Did you, uh pour water on it? No, I didn't pour water on it! That was a week's salary.
Ah, Christ! Frank, relax.
I'll take care of this for you.
I know where I can get you much better wood than this.
And the price is right, too.
- Really? - Give me your keys.
I'll drive.
As you were, fellas.
We'll be right back.
Goomer, you're in charge! [MILITARY PARADE MUSIC.]
You hear that? I'm the boss now.
You got to do whatever I say.
So, what should we do? Eh, I'm exhausted.
Let's take a break.
It feels good to help Frank.
[SLURPING.]
Thanks a million, Chet.
I was about to lose my mind with those guys back there.
They're my best friends and they mean well, but they're fucking morons.
Ah, no need to thank me.
It's what buddies do.
Plus now we have a chance to spend some time together, just the big dogs.
[BARKING.]
[BOTH HOWL.]
Here we are.
Holy shit.
[FRANK.]
I haven't set foot in here since '58.
[GATEKEEPER.]
Afternoon, Colonel.
[CHET.]
As you were, Private.
Welcome to my slice of heaven.
These are my airmen.
They're good boys.
Drop your clits and lift your tits! Officer on deck! Sir, yes, sir! At ease, ladies.
Ha-ha.
Ladies.
Men, this is my good friend, Major Frank Murphy, the Demon of Da Nang.
He's killed more Viet Cong than that little river fish that swims up your dick hole.
Now load this lumber in his car.
- Sir? - You heard me! You can go back to braiding the hair on each other's asses when you're done.
Hop to it! You got to keep them down.
It's good for morale.
So, uh, this is all right? Isn't that wood property of the government? Well, they pay 2,200 dollars for a fucking toilet seat.
It'll be fine.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
This is gonna take awhile.
Let me buy you a drink while these two rump rangers take a handful of Crisco, grease each other up, and hop on the fuck pile! [CHUCKLES.]
God, I miss the service.
So, would you rather be a bird or an amphibian? - Bird.
- Wrong.
Goomer, Babe, and Holty.
Now that's what I call a power trio.
Hey, Vic.
You want to help out Frank? Take a seat.
Frank drove away with Colonel Chet.
And he looks really sharp.
If you two ever got on a tandem bicycle, ho-ho, watch out! Tandem.
That reminds me of the time I was in L.
A.
and I hung out with Sonny and Cher on their yacht.
You know when you think the first boat is the boat, but it's just the boat taking you to the boat? [BABE AND GOOMER LAUGH.]
[BOTH.]
No.
Speaking of Cher, I once had to share a stale cracker with two other men.
We salted it with our tears.
[GRUNTS.]
Fuck you, Dad! Dildo! [LAUGHING.]
Oh, man! Looks like somebody got butt-fingered as a kid.
I didn't get fingered.
I drowned! Oh, hey, guys.
Mad at your house, huh? [GRUNTS.]
I hate this wall.
[GRUNTS.]
Happy birthday to me.
You can't work on your birthday.
That's like a state law or something.
Tell that to my dad.
Your dad left about an hour ago, Kevin.
He did? Oh, man, he makes me work and he just leaves? I'm out of here.
Let's go celebrate your birthday, Kev.
Have fun, Kevin.
I'm gonna go cool my armpits in your refrigerator.
Well, we're hoping to go to Cape May the last week of August.
That's a-when all the eggplants come down from Philly! Now, that's not nice, Nana Rose.
Am I wrong? Nana Rose, maybe you want to go to the TV room.
Ooh, Dialing For Dollars is on.
Aw, it's the one show the heebs haven't ruined.
[GASPS.]
Wow, I always thought officers were pricks.
Now I can see why.
This place is great! [BOTH LAUGH.]
I don't deserve to be here.
I'm not a pilot.
Never been in a cockpit, except to clean out the ashtray.
Oh, you're selling yourself short, pal.
You run a major airline.
I don't run it.
But I know the owner.
She took my son to the bathroom once.
Oh, life is good, Frank.
Cheers.
You know, I've been all over the world, but I love this burg.
I could see me and Nguyen-Nguyen settling down here.
You got a good woman, Chet.
And don't I know it.
She's crazy about me.
All night long she calls out my name in her sleep.
"Chet, Chet.
Chet, Chet.
" I love Sue.
I don't know how I ever got a girl like that to marry me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, right.
Fucking Kevin.
Hey, Sandy baby.
What's your pleasure, Colonel? Well, I'd love for you and I to go test the felt on that pool table, but I'll settle for another drink.
- Ooh.
[LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
- Whoo.
- Oh, Chet, you're trouble.
And you blush way too easy.
[CHUCKLES.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, no I don't.
Do I? [SPEAKING ACCENTED FRENCH.]
That means "deer through windshield.
" Your turn.
[SPEAKING ACCENTED FRENCH.]
Leaving the scene.
Something you are familiar with.
Phillip, is something wrong? - What happened to your eyebrows? - Nothing! [GRUNTING.]
Phillip, what's your problem? - You're not my friend anymore! - Phillip? I am your friend! Tell that to Bridget Fitzsimmons! - What? - You're a poop head! Phillip, I have a ladybug and I'm gonna go I am You know what? Why can't I be both your friends? Because you're my only friend! My only friend is you! I am You know what? You know what? You know what? [ANGRILY.]
You know what, Anthony? You annoy the fuck out of me! I wish I'd pushed harder on your soft spot when you were a baby! - [GRUNTS.]
- Ow! - Mommy.
- [PHILLIP HYPERVENTILATING.]
You know what? [CRIES.]
My baby! Phillip Pope John the 23rd Bonfiglio! How could you do that to your brother? You are going to mommy jail! I did it.
I pushed Anthony down.
Of course! I knew you were a bad seed when you lit the woods on fire! No, Mother, it was me.
There's no reason to try and cover for this pyromaniac.
Everyone knows redheads get their hair color from the hand of Satan.
Are you gonna let my son lie for you? My son is not a liar.
You're the liar! What did you call me? You said you loved my invention, and then you just threw it in the trash! [MARIE.]
How dare you invade the sanctity of my garbage pail! I put my heart and soul into the Forkoontula, and she just tossed it in with the coffee grounds! I threw my Forkoontula out too.
You did what? It cut me, Sue.
It cut me like I owed it money.
[GASPS.]
I looked at that American soldier, the one who liberated me, and I asked him his name.
It was the German word for freedom.
[SPEAKS GERMAN.]
Lieutenant Hitler Oh, man.
You know, I recently got clean and I guess up till now I never really paid attention to everything you went through.
But now that I'm sober, and I really hear you, I got to say you're a fucking bummer, man.
A what? Okay, some horrible shit happened to you, amigo, and you have the right to sing the blues, but you got to mix in some rock 'n' roll along the way.
Like last night, I hung out with these three Apaches at my A.
A.
meeting and they don't dwell on their past every five minutes.
Shit, somebody built a fucking drive-in movie on their grandfather's grave, but they just say, "What's playing, Little Big Man?" Oh, my goodness.
Is this how you've all seen me all these years? As just a killjoy? No, no, no, we think you're a barrel of laughs, Mr.
Holocauster! [SPEAKS GERMAN.]
It's true! Look at that beautiful wood.
You are a hell of a friend.
We should really be getting back.
Oh, we're not done here yet.
Oh, my God.
That's my plane.
Want to take a spin? If I didn't go to hell for loving a man, I'd kiss you.
[JET ENGINES ROARING.]
Having fun, Frank? Jesus Christ, this is my dream come true.
You ready to go fast? We're going slow? You tell me.
Holy shit! [NIKKI.]
Make a birthday wish! - [ALL LAUGH.]
- All right, yeah! Quiet! We're in full view of everybody.
It's okay.
We're burning the evidence.
[ALL LAUGH.]
[SPRAY CAN RATTLING.]
Let's decorate for your party.
You do that in broad daylight? Well, we've got to be able to see what we're doing.
What if somebody sees us? Uh, we fucking run.
[LAUGHS.]
I like this kid.
He makes me feel smart.
That's so cool.
It really makes you think about what would happen if a giant bullet hit the Earth.
Your turn.
Uh I don't know.
I mean, this guy stiffed me on my Christmas tree money, but, it's like It's his property and This is Kevin.
He's a good boy who met some new friends from the wrong side of the tracks.
How will these delinquents influence his goody-two-shoe upbringing? Peer pressure! Peer pressure! Peer pressure! Peer pressure! Peer pressure! Peer pressure! Fuck it.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Oh my God, this is so Hey! What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're doing? Uh It's my birthday? Run! [LAUGHS.]
[KEVIN.]
Your son is an asshole! You can blame his mother for that! [FRANK.]
Chet, this is the best day ever.
It's like a dream come true.
This thing is a dream machine.
You got that right.
And plenty of mine have come true right here.
Why do you think they call it the cockpit? [BOTH LAUGH.]
Sounds like you've had some good times up here.
You know, Sandy has a roommate.
Not great looking, but a hell of a moaner.
We could all be having a good time real soon.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
You're kidding, right? I would never do that to Sue.
Sure.
Kidding.
Oh, okay.
Good.
Good.
Because, you know, I just Just saying Nope, it's fine.
So, I guess I'm a bad guy, huh? No! You're not a bad guy.
- I'm just saying that I - That you are superior to me.
No! I didn't say that.
It's okay.
It's okay Hey, hey, hey! It's okay! You're the saint, right? And I'm the piece of shit.
No! I never said that.
Not at all.
You're a hero.
I think you're great.
Okay.
Thanks, Frank.
Say, pal, how about I show you what this baby can really do? [FRANK.]
Whoa! My balls are in my shoes! Marie, I'm so sorry I yelled at you.
I don't know what got into me.
It's okay.
I've been pregnant in the summertime.
Oh, you pregnant now? Triplets? [NANA ROSE.]
It's baby fat! Because, baby, she's fat! Take your pills! If you hate the Forkoontula so much, why did you say you liked it at my house the other day? You forced it on me, Sue.
I was afraid to say no to you.
Did you all feel like that? Your eyes were scary and so round.
But it's okay.
Terror work some time.
Terror? Well of course you'd hate it.
Plus it's dangerous.
You know that punching bag thing in the back of your throat? Mine is hanging by a thread.
[GULPS.]
Oh, my God.
I would never sell something that could hurt you.
Thank you for your honesty.
I know it took awhile, but I finally heard the hard truth about my invention.
You really love it, but it has a few minor flaws.
Well, that's not exactly what I've got more work to do on this thing.
You know, the first Salad Tosser was just a rusty washing machine and a bicycle chain.
Oh! How many people did that one kill? [FRANK.]
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
[CHET.]
Yeah, this isn't for everyone, big dog.
Let's get you back on the ground.
Yeah, if you want to.
I'm having a ball.
- Uh-oh.
- [ALARM BEEPING.]
What's going on? Frank, I don't know.
I got a light on here.
We're losing power.
Losing power? Oh, shit! - [ALARMS INTENSIFY.]
- Shit! Shit! Shit! What the fuck? Shit! Chet! What the fuck? We've got nothing, Frank.
I'm trying to restart the engine.
Fucking restart it! Oh, Christ! Christ! - [FRANK.]
Restart the fucking thing! - Brace for impact, Frank.
Oh, fuck! Tower, this is Stevenson, we're going down! I love you, Sue! I love you, Bill! I love you, Maureen! I love you, Major! - Kevin, you were okay too! - Brace for impact! [FRANK.]
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [SOBBING.]
Well, what do you know? These instruments seem to indicate that I've been fucking with you this whole time.
[CHUCKLES.]
[FRANK.]
You You - Oh, man, you owe me a clean windshield.
- You Good one, Chet.
[CARTOON MUSIC ON TV.]
[SNORING.]
We'll show another cartoon in a minute.
[SQUEAKING.]
Lucky me, kids! I caught a boot! Your caboose is catching my boot! [GRUNTING.]
[HOBO JOJO.]
Ouch! You're hurting me, Ray! He had it coming.
They all have it coming.
Hey, Phillip, what are you doing? Hobo Jojo is my feel better show.
It makes the shadow people go away.
Um Look, Bill feels sorry about all this Bridget stuff.
He's just too big a pussy to tell you himself.
I am not! Working on your kill book, huh? Is that me and Bridget? I don't know.
Look, I'm sorry you got mad at me.
I Phillip Bonfiglio, you just got interesting.
Bridget is a girl and I like her, but You're roasting my dad's balls in here.
Maureen, get out! Look, Phillip.
Bridget's just a girl who's my friend.
But you're my best friend.
So I'm your best boy friend? I guess.
But don't say that in front of Jimmy Fitzsimmons Kevin, or my dad.
Or each other.
It's a deal, best boyfriend.
I knew it.
Mary, my love, I learned a hard lesson today.
Nobody likes a Gloomy Gustaf.
From now on, I'm going to turn my frown upside down.
Like when they hung me from my feet.
Ooh, that's the last one, I swear! That was so great, you guys.
Don't forget your birthday present.
You sure this is okay? Yeah.
The train people have thousands of these spread all over the country.
Thanks again.
It's nice to finally have a family.
He's so fucking sad.
I know, he doesn't even have a door.
- Well, that was a fun day, huh? - Fun? Oh come on, Frank.
Just a little pilot hazing.
You should have seen what they done to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Welcome to the club.
You got me, you son of a bitch.
And don't you worry.
This won't be your last time in a plane.
I'm gonna personally give you flight lessons.
Really? [CHET.]
Hell, yeah.
You'll be up there making someone else puke before you know it.
Well, I got to go home and see the missus.
But I'll be back tomorrow to knock the rest of that wall down.
It'll be a snap.
Thanks, Chet.
- Thank you.
- You're a great guy.
You're a great guy.
Well, you're the best guy.
[SNORING.]
Nice work, guys.
Fucking drunks.
[GROWLS.]
I'm ready for you this time, you maniac.
Where have you been all day? Oh, living my dream.
Oh, that's nice.
[SQUEAKING.]
[SINGING "JIMMY CRACK CORN" IN VIETNAMESE.]
[CAT MEOWS.]
["JIMMY CRACK CORN" IN VIETNAMESE PLAYING.]
- [MECHANICAL WHIRRING.]
- [GUNSHOT.]