Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e04 Episode Script

Listen, love.
No offence, but physio's personal.
I ain't havin' a woman treat me.
I got backing from some friends.
We'd like to buy you out.
Two sizes up is what most girls go for.
This'll give you a lovely shape and a prominent cleavage.
Yeah, go on then.
Come on, Conrad.
You gonna strap me in or do I have to call for assistance? My bastard heart's packed up.
Six months, that's what they've given me.
You wanna hit me? You wanna push me around? Come on! - Bring it! Come on! - (Grunts) Your first offer plus an executive seat on the board.
Or no deal.
Sounds reasonable.
(Mobile) (Door opens) It's Hazel Bailey's first day in my chair.
So I've gotta go and breathe down her neck.
I thought I might go out for a jog.
Get some exercise.
Get in there, do a few lengths.
No need to pound the pavement.
Unless you've got another reason for wanting to go out.
No.
Just fancied a bit of fresh air.
We've got plenty of that.
In the garden.
Shipped in specially from Switzerland.
You can't keep me bloody prisoner, Frank.
You're gonna get it all, Tanya.
Sole beneficiary.
My side of the deal is clear.
You've got to deliver on yours.
She's been completely airbrushed.
It's not natural, you can tell.
Course it's not natural.
Harley'll tell me what they cost.
Can you believe they've given her the front cover? They're new blood.
People aren't sick to death of reading about them.
Well, I am.
It'd take more than a boob job to turn her into a beauty.
You reckon? Well, you'll be able to check them out at the wedding.
- We're not going.
- Eh? We're not going.
Conrad, why should we make their wedding more glamorous for them? A bunch of white trash northerners off their heads on free booze? It's expected.
I'm the captain, he's the blue-eyed boy.
We've got to go.
Is she gonna be there? If you mean Tanya, then yes.
- I expect she will be.
- No wonder you're so eager.
Oh, for God's sake, Amber! I made a mistake.
It won't happen again.
(Woman) After the blessing, there'll be a wedding breakfast in the Long Room.
Right.
And what about the gatecrashers? I don't envisage that being a problem.
Very tight security is a speciality at this venue.
It's cos we've got a magazine deal.
We don't want no one sneaking in with cameras, or it's 50 grand down t'drain.
Well, we'll make sure the security company know that.
And Oh, about the food.
We said, did we not, that as well as the sit-down, there'll be rolling finger food for 250? - (Laughs) What's rolling finger food? - Vol-au-vents, canapés, amuse-bouches.
Any burgers? Stick them down.
I like them.
I'm sure they can be added to the list.
(Harley) Is there Is there anywhere we could stick a karaoke? (Shannon) We're not having one! Sorry, Julia.
I've told him we don't want nothing tacky.
Well, the wound's really coming on rather nicely.
When will it heal? It's healing now.
That's only the beginning.
The muscles need to strengthen.
What does your physio say? Erm I'm kind of between physios at the minute.
Well, you can't do everything a good physio would.
If you want to play again, you're going to need all the help you can get.
Whatever our dealings in the past, I can now say with all honesty, I'm glad we're now playing on the same team.
You've all been very supportive of me in my tenure as chairman.
Particularly in the recent difficult times.
I hope we can show the same support to our new chair, Hazel Bailey.
Thanks, Frank, for that ringing endorsement.
Obviously there are gonna be some changes.
If everything was fine, I wouldn't be here.
First up, PR.
This is, of course, my area.
So I intend to give Earls Park the best re-branding this game has ever seen.
And we've got the perfect poster boy.
- Conrad Gates.
- Isn't he one of your clients? He was.
So I know exactly how much he's worth to us as a marketing tool.
Forgive me, but we haven't got used to the idea of an agent turned chairman.
- Er chair.
- Then you'd better get used to it.
I wanted to say I was going to take this club into the 21 st century.
But looking around, I think we've got the '80s and '90s to get through first.
And while we're on the subject of dead wood, what's the latest on Pascoe? - What's his physio say? - Er, now, that is a problem.
We got him Elaine Hardy to start with as you know, but erm - he got rid of her.
- (Hazel) Oh, did he now? These bloody prima donnas are gonna learn that I ain't a soft touch.
That's what got us into this mess.
Any more business, gents? Good.
So, Noah.
Do you like any other games, then, apart from football? Yeah, I like most stuff.
Good.
I'm into most things as well.
What's that? You wanking over my bird? No! It's just a good picture.
I'm only kidding.
You enjoy it, mate.
I do every night.
- Hello, boys.
- All right, lads, are we decent? Lady to see you, our new boss.
Calm down, boys.
You'll soon find out I ain't no lady.
- (Laughs) - I dunno what you're laughing about.
The way things are going, the only chance you have of getting into Europe is on the cross-Channel ferry.
But don't worry.
Our liaison's come to the rescue.
With the help of Webbsy here, I'm gonna turn this club around and get you to the top of the Premiership.
Hear that? Ms Bailey's gonna look after the boardroom, I'll be looking after the pitch.
Nobody, but nobody, can do your jobs for you.
(Murmuring) It's good of you to come and see the lads like this.
Any time you wanna pop down again, just ask.
I don't ask.
I tell.
You're taking a risk, aren't you? A hotel would have been safer.
I promised Frank I wouldn't leave the house.
You know how obedient I am.
I'll find out in a minute.
I'm gonna ask you to do all sorts of things.
I bet you Frank never asks you to do any of them.
What's the deal with you two? Can't quite see it as a love match.
We've got a history.
It's complicated.
He was very close to Jason.
So where do I fit in? I'm sure we'll find somewhere.
Now, you are a very naughty girl.
I do my best.
- Hiya! How was training? - It was all right.
That little tosser Darius has only got a picture of you on his locker.
He never would have done before the op! Didn't even like looking at meself in the mirror.
You weren't so bad.
I just like you now cos there's more of you! - I could get more done if you want.
- More? Liposuction.
They suck all the fat out.
Leave me looking like a lolly stick with double Ds.
Only we'd have to knock the wedding back if you wanted me looking like that for the photos.
I could say I put it back to concentrate on t'team.
- So you don't want to marry me now? - No, course not.
You know I do.
Whatever you want, Shannon.
I might get them halogen lips done next.
- You could get stuff done and all.
- Like what? Well, you know how you like it now I've got a bit more up top? - Yeah? - Well, I might like it if you get a bit more down below.
- Are you saying I'm too small? - No, course not.
- Just thought you might like it.
- I wouldn't.
Say that again, I'll give you a fat lip for free.
- Harley? - What? - I love you.
- Yeah, you'd better.
(Tanya) You'd better get going.
(Conrad) Mm.
Suppose I'd better go and meet Amber.
Do give her my best.
- This is bloody dangerous.
- You don't have to tell me that.
It's all right for you.
You've got an open marriage.
Frank's not quite so enlightened.
It's not an open marriage as far as you're concerned.
Amber's been quite clear about that.
So why are you here, then? Same reason as you.
Can't bear to think of you in bed with Frank.
Then don't.
Cos we don't do that.
Doctor's orders.
He's got a dodgy heart.
I can think of worst ways to go.
That bloody Hazel Bailey.
Selling Earls Park down the river.
It's all a bloody con.
She'll tart it up a bit, make a name for herself, and leave us in the shit.
Look, just calm down, Frank, for Christ's sake.
You know what the doctor said.
No stress.
Yeah.
I swear to God, she's rubbing my bloody nose in it.
Just forget about Hazel Bailey for a minute.
Look, I've been thinking about what you said.
And you're right.
I haven't been there for you as I should have been.
Forget it.
Just keep to your part of the deal and I won't ask anything more of you.
Well, maybe I wanna do more than keep to my part of the deal.
Thing is, Frank, there's always been a spark.
I don't know why we've ignored it since we've been married.
Keeping things businesslike, I suppose.
But it's still there.
It's true.
- Really? - Yeah.
We've had some good times.
That's better.
Maybe I can think of something else that might make you smile.
(TV) ' their usual partisan backing, but after 17 minutes, they were silenced.
'Playing into a strong headwind in the second half, 'it became a damage limitation exercise.
- 'All afternoon, the niggle was clear.
' - (Turns TV off) I thought I'd come and see how you're doing.
- Fine.
- Good.
Cos you're working today.
Get off your arse and earn your bloody wages.
Hang on.
You dropped me, remember? As a client, yeah.
Not as a player.
I'm calling the shots at Earls Park now and you, sweetheart, are the number one problem.
Where do you get off? I've had a serious injury here, and I'm trying to recover.
I'll be back when I'm ready, all right? And to bring that oh-so-happy day forward, I've brought you a little present.
(Whistles) Are you mad? She attacked me.
I don't want her.
Kyle.
No one gives a shit what you want.
You're an employee.
So you do what Elaine tells you or you're sacked.
It's entirely up to you.
You can be a footballer or you can limp down the Job Centre and see if Ronald McDonald needs any little helpers.
(Groaning) - I'm only doing this cos I have to.
- So am I.
But that doesn't mean it isn't gonna work.
Just don't hit me this time, all right? After the last time, I don't think you'll be starting any more fights.
Well, that's blown the cobwebs away.
Wow.
How about that, then? I didn't think I was gonna make it for a minute.
Neither did I.
- How do you feel? - Ten years younger.
Why, you up for seconds? Well, I need a bit of recovery time, even if you don't.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
You OK, Frank? Oh.
(Door buzzer) - Hey! - Daisy! Shan! Posh gaff or what? Me best mate's gone well up in the world.
Wow.
This is amazing.
- Show us 'em, then! - No! Go on.
You've shown the rest of the bloody planet, haven't you? They are friggin' awesome, girl! Bet Harley thinks it's his birthday! - He's not complaining.
- I bet he's not! - Always got his mouth full! - Hey! Come on, let's get a drink.
- I hope you haven't started without me.
- Just warm-ups.
(Laughs) You're keen.
What happened to all the sulking and complaining? Well, I figured, if I've gotta do it anyway, I might as well give it my best shot.
So, boss, what we gonna do first? Swimming or weights? Weights.
- (Knocking) - Tanya? - Yes? - Decent? Is that my insatiable husband? Are you sure this is wise? I think, with sensible precautions we could take the risk.
(Sighs) (Elaine) That's it.
Good.
OK.
Push it a bit more.
More legs, less arms.
Use your right leg a bit more.
That's it.
Good.
Excellent.
One more length, once you get your breath back.
This is hard work, you know that? You didn't get where you were without some hard graft.
I dunno.
Always skived a bit in training.
Didn't really matter cos of what I could do in a match.
- I never really had to push myself.
- Then this is gonna be even tougher.
But it'll be worth it.
You do love the game, don't you? I don't know if I'll love it as much if I can't be as good as I was, but Do you wanna know what I think? I think you're scared of trying.
If you quit now, you can always pretend that your brilliant career was cut short by injury.
Everyone will feel sorry for you.
But if you give this a go, people might see you fail.
- I think you're scared you're not up to it.
- Yeah? It's lucky you're a good physio, cos you're a lousy psychologist.
We might even need to let it out a bit.
- Don't you dare! - It's very tight.
Good! - How's yours? - It's amazing.
I look dead classy.
See? A bit of bloody money and anyone can.
- Not quite filling it like you do.
- Hey! Harley's paying for your dress, not new tits as well! - Did it hurt? - Yeah! But it's worth it.
You should see the looks I get now.
It makes me dead proud.
Proud to be with Harley.
Proud he's doing so well.
It's investment, isn't it? Spending money on your appearance.
Er yes.
I suppose it is.
Good clothes certainly do make a statement.
Exactly.
Good clothes, good body.
Don't come cheap.
Who'd have thought it, Dais? You and me in swanky dresses for my wedding in Hello! You picked a winner with your Harley, girl.
- Might get me ribs done for him next.
- Why? What's wrong with your ribs? Nothing! They take out the bottom two.
- Gives you a dead thin waist.
- Ooh.
Beats friggin' dieting, doesn't it? Good.
Careful as you get out.
Mind your step.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're getting there.
I think we can call that a good day.
And since you started without me, we can skip the evening exercises.
What, you want the night off? Strange as it seems, I do have a personal life.
But I thought you said skipping sessions wasn't allowed.
Do them on your own if you want.
You don't need me to hold your hand.
Elaine, hi.
It's, erm it's Kyle.
Yeah, listen, I'm sorry to mess you about, but, erm I've had a bit of a fall.
Yeah, I was coming down the stairs and I I kind of slipped.
The thing is, I'm on my own here.
(Footsteps) Thanks for coming.
I thought I was gonna be stuck here.
Mum's out tonight.
I didn't know who to call.
I can't leave you alone for five minutes, can I? So, what happened? Oh, it's just this bloody leg, isn't it? It's probably just seized up.
I'm sorry for ruining your big date.
That's OK.
Anyone special? I've told you once.
I am allowed a private life, and, er this is my time.
Yeah, I just get a bit jealous, seeing you out having fun.
I've got to go to this poxy wedding tomorrow.
Gonna look like a right sad case on my own there, on crutches.
Well, don't feel sorry for yourself, cos that just makes you look even sadder.
It's hard not to, sometimes.
You must think I've got it made, with all this.
None of it counts for much when you're lonely.
Yeah.
Well, we all get like that sometimes.
Hm.
Elaine What? - No, nothing.
Stupid idea.
- Go on.
Well you don't fancy coming to this wedding tomorrow? If you're busy, I'll understand.
- I'd love to.
- Seriously? Seriously.
(Camera shutters whirring) - Good afternoon.
Have a wonderful time.
- Thank you.
- What's the name? Miss Jordan? - Just Jordan.
Oh, just Jordan? Oh.
That's nice.
Thanks.
- Kyle Pascoe and Elaine Hardy.
- Have a wonderful afternoon.
- Kyle! Who's the lovely lady? - She's my physio.
She'll be keeping me out of trouble.
Thank you.
Conrad.
Amber.
You look stunning, as usual.
I don't want you anywhere near that Tanya Laslett, understand? Leave it.
Try and remember whose day it is, will you? (Shakily) Shannon, I promise to love and protect you always.
May we look on our future together with hope, happiness and joy and always remembering this day, never let anything destroy the feelings we share for each other.
Harley, I promise that I will always love you.
Whatever happens now or in the future, our hearts will go on.
I promise to love you, cherish you and respect you, to laugh with you and cry with you through sorrow and joy, illness and age.
(Both) I give you this ring, as a symbol of my endless love for you.
Wear it with a feeling of love, warmth and pride, always and forever.
Here you are, son, get that down your neck.
I tell you what, I feel sick.
You shouldn't have got me so wrecked last night.
What? That's me job.
Get the groom pissed and shag the bridesmaid.
Now, get it down you.
There we go.
See, isn't that better? Now, brother-in-law.
Big night tonight.
Yeah? So I think it's about time we had a little chat about the birds and the bees.
- Shut up, you soft get.
- Here we are, look.
Here you go, kid.
Extra wedding present.
- Make tonight go out with a bang.
- What's this? - Viagra.
- You what? I can't get you anything illegal, you're a celebrity.
I don't want you getting me kid sister in the papers.
You're gonna be drinking tonight.
These will help you, you know fulfil your obligations.
No problems there, mate.
Cheers all t'same.
Excuse me, darling, could you come forward a bit? You three look lovely.
And you lads move in a bit more.
Here we go for the first one.
That's lovely.
OK.
Right.
Smiling.
Smile! This is the happiest day of your life.
- Sorry! - OK.
Now you've got 'em, you've gotta learn how to use 'em.
(Photographer) Lovely.
And smiling.
Lovely.
So how long did it take you to get used to yours? Only about an hour.
I was a busty girl trapped in a flat girl's body.
- No way! So was I! - Take some snaps of these! - (Cheering) - Come on, then.
Smile.
Here we go.
That's much better.
- (Feedback) - Listen up.
First dance of the evening, so can we have Harley and Shannon on the dance floor, please? - The bride and groom! - (Applause) (Cheering) (Romantic soul music) Come on, then.
Let's see what you can do.
- I don't think so.
- This isn't a day off, you know.
Treat it as, er today's session.
Come on.
Come on, you can do it.
# world some day - # You're my fantasy # - Come on.
# I've been waiting for someone like you # (Applause) This is strictly therapeutic.
I do this with all my patients.
- Is that right? - Yeah, that's right.
- He could have kept her up all night.
- You what? I offered him Viagra as a wedding present.
- Oh? And what does that do? - That's for you to find out.
I've got a request for the DJ.
Could you get me a drink? - Vodka? - Easy on the tonic.
# I can't get enough # (Whispers) # Of that loving stuff # - Looking for someone? - Just seeing who's around.
- Noah! - I'm coming.
(Kyle) All right, Frank? Very good.
Won't be long now before you're doing the business again.
Cheers.
Elaine's doing a great job on me.
- Did you see where the toilets were? - Upstairs, I think.
Keep on it.
I've never been much of a spectator.
I should probably go.
You've done brilliantly, Kyle.
I wasn't sure you'd be ready.
Well, sometimes you've gotta push things along a bit.
Come on.
Let's get you home.
We don't have to call it a night just cos we're going.
- Why don't we go for a quiet drink? - I'm up for it.
# I don't care what you are and where or who you've been before # I feel that I have something that's what I've been looking for # 'Scuse me, sis.
Need a word with your better half.
- You could at least wait till the end! - Nice one.
Just give us a minute, Shan.
Er listen.
Just organised a little bit of a surprise for my beautiful bride.
As a way of saying thank you for making me the happiest man in the world.
So if you make your way to the front of the house, I'm sure you won't be disappointed.
Er thank you.
Cheers.
Conrad? (Groans) (Gasps) (Tanya) Conrad? (Toilet flushing) - Found what you're looking for? - I'm just looking for a toilet.
- Called Conrad? - Don't know what you're talking about.
Are you two getting reacquainted? I wouldn't bother doing up your flies, Conrad.
Your whore's waiting for you.
- Whore? - Shut up, bitch! Babe, breathe.
You're getting yourself all worked up over nothing.
You promised me, Conrad, not her.
Ever! Amber.
- No bloody way.
Are you mad or what? - Please.
It's meant to be a surprise.
- I thought you'd like it.
- You thought wrong.
- I'm in me wedding dress.
- So? I'm in me suit, aren't I? Oh, come on.
I've always fancied a go in one.
Please, Shan.
For me.
It's paid for now.
We'll never get a chance again.
Take me home now.
Amber! Oooooh! - Yay! - OK, Shan, it'll take your weight.
- 'Ey, mouth.
- No, listen, If it sinks, throw your implants over the side.
Oh, you're funny.
Here, you might need the rest of this.
Come on.
Hey.
- You all right? - Yeah, not bad.
Hold on, mate.
Here you go.
- Ta.
- Watch your head on the burner.
Here, mate, how safe's that thing? Not one accident in ten years.
On a day like this, safer than crossing the road.
Are we talking a country lane or the M1? - Leave it out.
It's the kid's wedding.
- It'd better not be his bloody funeral.
- (Daisy chuckles) - Oi, you morons.
- No! - Roger! (Shannon) Help! (Harley) Help! (Both cry for help) (Both) Help! You can't miss it, mate.
It's a big bloody balloon with a bride and groom in it.
How should I know? Can't you put a radar on it or something? Well, get a helicopter out and find it.
I got a very valuable player floating around up there and if anything happens to him, it's down to you.
The Old Bill are no use.
They've passed it onto Air Traffic Control.
Well, they'll scrape him off the Tarmac.
Stupid bloody kid.
He might be able to land it safely.
He can't be as stupid as he looks.
I should kick the shit out of you lot for this.
Why didn't you stop him? I thought you were a hands-on bloody manager.
How am I to know he's going to go up and away without the frigging pilot? Oi, you two, come here! You idiot, Harley.
I don't even want to do this.
Shouting's not going to do any good, is it? Just calm down.
- I'm getting out! - Don't be stupid! It's only a little basket.
You can't fling yourself out.
You bastard! This is meant to be the best day of my life.
Well, I guess this is me, then.
I've had a really wonderful time.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
- See you later, then, yeah? - Yeah.
That was nice.
I think I know how we can round the evening off.
How's about a bit of one-on-one physiotherapy.
(Giggles) Shannon's going to kill us.
If she's still alive.
Let's go in here.
Aye, aye.
I hope she hasn't locked me out.
- We could always stay at mine.
- Why don't we find a nice room here? I've got something I want to do to you.
Oh, God, I'd love to.
- What are you two up to? - Just chatting.
Come on.
Let's go.
It's been a long day.
We could always make it longer.
Shit.
What happens if I get injured? That's it.
I might never play again.
We're gonna die and all you think about is football.
I didn't mean it like that.
No one's gonna die here.
Right, let's have a look at this.
We can't just keep going up, can we? Turn the gas off and then we'll go down.
- We'll fall out t'bloody sky.
- Just turn it down a bit.
Simmer.
See what happens.
Harley.
How about that there? Just a minute.
I think we're going down.
Yeah.
What if we land in a river or the sea? Harley, I can't swim, can I? Make it go up again.
If we keep going up, we'll run out of gas and crash.
Just chill out.
I reckon I can get us down safely.
(Kyle) I don't care what you say.
I think I was a good little mover.
(Elaine) Took a bit of encouraging, though.
No Yeah, but you're looking very strong, I must say.
- Is that what I am? - Mm.
- They say you can do it if you try.
- Why is it always work with you? Excuse me, but this is way outside my hours and er this is not my usual uniform.
I'd like to see you with no uniform on at all.
(Door opens and closes) Oh, Jesus Christ.
Amber? Amber? Oh.
(Sighs) (Harley) Shan? Shan, where are you? Are you there? I can't see a chuffin' thing.
Say summat, babe.
(Shannon groans) Harley? Oh, thank God.
Harley? Harley? I'm over here.
Shan? - You all right? - Yeah, I am.
I can't believe it.
We're alive! (Both laugh) - I bloody love you.
- I bloody love you, too.
Hey, we won't forget our wedding night, will we? Yeah.
Shannon, you didn't say owt to your brother about me dick, did you? Eh? About you want me to have it made bigger and that.
- Harley, don't be daft.
- Nice one.
Right, I don't fancy trying to find a hotel, do you? I know.
How about we do it in t'basket? Come on.
I'll carry you over t'threshold.
Ey, me veil.
Don't forget me veil.
- Careful.
- I love you, Shannon.
I love you.
(Growling) (Mobile vibrates) - What are you playing at, Amber? - 'Conrad, listen.
' - Oh, piss off.
- 'Conrad, please.
I've been kidnapped.
'I told you they'd come back.
They want more money.
' - What? - You've got to wait for their instructions.
Don't try to contact me and don't call the police.
Amber? Amber? - What are the police doing? - I can't tell them.
If I tell anyone, they'll kill her.
This is me going against my doctor's orders.
- They told me to take it easy.
- What do the doctors know? It wasn't so long ago they wanted to switch off your life support.
Yeah.
You were cheering them on as I recall.
Time's not your side, son, so you'd better speed up the recovery or you'll be needing a guest pass to get in here.
Oh, yeah.
It's front page without a doubt.
But this can never come from me.
Ever.