Friends s03e04 Episode Script

Welcome, everybody! Welcome to Amazing Discoveries! It's on again! Guys, could we please not watch this? This ever happen to you? You go to get a glass of milk but these cartons are so flinging, flanging hard to open! Boy, you said it, Mike.
-There's gotta be a better way.
-There is, Kevin! -Can we please turn this off? -No way, Kevin! What if I told you there's a new product that guarantees you'll never have to open up milk cartons again? Meet the Milkmaster 2000! -Intrigued? -You' re flinging, flanging right I am! This is the first time he's used this.
You'll see how easy this is to do.
-This works in any milk carton.
-Wow, it is easy! Now I can have milk every day.
The One With the Metaphorical Tunnel .
:staz:.
(staz@post.
cz) It's official.
There are no good movies.
So let's go to a bad one, and make out.
Perhaps you'd like me to turn so you can bunny-bump against my back? -Hey, man.
What's up? -Maybe you can tell me.
My agent wants to know why I didn't show up at my audition today.
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my first good one in weeks.
How could you not give me the message? I'll tell you, I do enjoy guilt.
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but it wasn't me.
Yes, it was.
It was him! Okay, it was me! -How was it you? -Well, it was all so crazy, you know? Chandler was in the closet, counting to 1 0.
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and I hadn't found a place to hide yet.
I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand.
See? All of it.
Yep, that's my audition.
See? Now, this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Yep.
And that's why we don't invite you to play.
What is the great tragedy here? Get yourself another appointment.
Estelle tried.
The casting director told her I missed my chance.
Well, that is unfair! I'll call her.
I'll tell her it was my fault.
You can't.
The casting director doesn't talk to friends.
-She only talks to agents.
-What a sad little life she must lead.
-What are you doing? -No, I know, I know.
Hi, this is Caitlin from Phoebe Buffay's office.
Is Anne there for Phoebe? She'll know what it's about.
Hang up.
Hang up right-- Annie? Hi.
Listen, we've got a problem with Joey Tribbiani.
Apparently, he missed his audition.
Who did you speak to in my office? Estelle? I don't know what to do with her.
So your husband leaves and burns down the apartment.
The world doesn't stop.
Is anybody else scared? If Joey loses this audition, then that is it for Estelle.
I don't care! Annie, you are a doll.
What time can you see him? I need a pen.
Pen! Get the woman a pad! Get the woman a pad! A pad! A pad! Oh, now you want a pad.
Where's my boy? Here's my boy! And here's his Barbie! What's my boy doing with a Barbie? He picked it out at the store.
He loves it.
He carries it everywhere, like a security blanket.
But with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Yeah, it's cute.
Why does he have it again? So he's got a doll.
So what? Unless you' re afraid he's gonna grow up to be.
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in show business.
This wouldn't have to do with the fact.
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that he's being raised by two women? You know what? It's fine.
If you' re okay with the Barbie thing, so am l.
Give Daddy the Barbie.
Give me the Barbie.
Don't you wanna play with a monster truck? No? Okay.
How about a Dino-Soldier? You are so pathetic.
Why can't your son just play with his doll? I gotta go to work.
Has anybody seen my left boob? I loved that movie.
Here it is.
What are you doing? I' m sorry.
It just felt nice.
Answer the phone.
I only got one arm.
You should do stuff for me.
Get me a sweater.
Just do it! It's Janice.
And if I get it, I'll have to see her tonight.
That's great.
I'll have to see her tonight.
Why don't you want to see Janice? Last night at dinner, when the meals came.
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she put half her chicken piccata on my plate and took all my tomatoes.
And that's bad.
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because you hate chicken piccata? You didn't want to share your tomatoes.
Tomatoes are very important to you.
Suddenly, we were this "couple.
" And this alarm started going off in my head.
"Run for your life! Get out of the building! " Men are unbelievable.
What is it with you people? The minute you feel something, you have to run away? I know.
That-- That's why I don't want to go tonight.
I' m afraid I'll say something stupid.
You mean that "guy thing" where you act mean and distant.
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until we break up with you? You know about that? What do I do? I wanna get past this.
I don't want to be afraid of commitment.
I want to go through the tunnel to the other side! Where there's no fear of commitment.
Do we have any-- Do we have any thoughts here? I've never been through the tunnel myself because.
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you' re not allowed through with more than one girl in the car.
But it seems to me it's pretty much like anything else.
Face your fear.
Fear of heights? Go to the top of the building.
You' re afraid of bugs.
Get a bug.
You have a fear of commitment.
So I say you go in there and you be the most committed guy there ever was! Amazingly, that makes sense.
-Do you think? -Oh, yeah! Go for it, man! Jump off the high dive! Stare down the barrel of the gun! Pee into the wind! If I' m staring down the barrel of a gun.
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I' m gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.
It's your audition from this morning! Can I use the phone? Sure, that's what it's there for.
Emergencies and pretend agents.
Come on, baby! Come on! Hi.
I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page.
Okay, she's in her car.
I'll have to patch you through.
very nice touch.
Okay, go ahead.
Talk, talk, talk! Hi, Annie? Fantastic.
You got it! Will he work for scale, you ask me? Well, I don't know about that.
Except that I do and he will.
Great.
Oh, you are such a sweetheart.
I would love to have lunch with you! How about we have lunch next-- Went through a tunnel.
Unbelievable.
Oh, thank you so much! It was really fun.
I mean, I've never talked on a car phone before.
You are so amazing! Could you do me this huge favor? There's another audition I want, and Estelle couldn't get me in.
I don't know.
It was fun one time, but-- Please? It would just be this one more.
Well, actually it's two.
Two? Well, really it's three.
Please? You' re so good at it.
I love you.
Okay.
But just these three, right? No, it's four.
So how come you wanted to eat in tonight? Because I wanted.
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to give you this.
Are you a puppy! Contact paper! What do you say when someone you' re sleeping with.
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gives you contact paper? Wait, there's more.
See, the contact paper is to go.
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in your brand new drawer! See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
You didn't have to do this.
Yes, I did.
Yes, I did.
Because you' re my girlfriend.
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and that's what girlfriends should get.
Well, I gotta buy a vowel.
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because, oh, my God! Who would've thought that someday.
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Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer? Well, not me.
But that's what's happened.
And there's more.
We should take a trip.
We should? We' re a couple, and that's what couples do.
And I wanna meet your parents.
We should take a trip with your parents! I don't think we need to because you' re tripping me out right now! Are you okay? No, I am.
I actually am! This is amazing.
My entire life, I have feared this place.
And now that I' m here, it's like, what was the big deal? I could probably say, "Let's move in together," and I'd be okay.
You probably want us to move in together? -It doesn't scare me! -Yeah, well it scares me! I' m not even divorced yet! You just invited me over here for pasta.
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and now you' re talking about moving in together.
And I wasn't even that hungry.
You know what? It's getting really late, and I should just-- Don't go! I've scared you! I've said too much! I' m hopeless and awkward and desperate for love! Hey, Janice, it's me.
I wanted to apologize in advance for having chased you down the street.
Here you go, honey.
This will help.
So I catch up to her and she says.
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this relationship's going too fast and we have to slow down.
That is never good.
Then I got all.
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needy and clingy.
Wait a minute.
Maybe it's not so bad.
How did you leave it? She said she'd call me.
Oh, God.
Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
This ice cream tastes like crap, by the way.
Well, it's that low-cal-nondairy-soymilk junk.
We save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.
When you' re getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low fat.
Yeah, you do.
You don't think I' m terminal? Not at all.
You' re not terminal.
We just need some damage control.
Okay.
Should I call her? It's a critical time.
If you feel yourself reaching for that phone.
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go shopping, get your butt in a bubble bath.
If you want her back, you have got to start acting aloof.
She has to know you' re not needy.
So what you have to do is.
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you have to accidentally run into her on purpose.
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and then act aloof.
So I' m not gonna lose her? Oh, honey, you' re not a total loser.
I said, "So I' m not gonna lose her?" Guess who's here! It's the toughest guy in Toyland, Ben! Real American hero I'm G.
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Joe! Drop the Barbie.
Drop the Barbie.
G.
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Joe? You really think he'll fall for that? G.
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Joe? Cool! Can I play? Look, Ben! It's a toy that protects U.
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oil interests overseas! Go, Joe! -There you are! -No, it's not.
Sorry.
But, Phoebe, wait, wait.
Phoebe! Oh, Joey! Oh, okay! See, I didn't recognize you.
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in those pants.
That Tv movie I went in for, did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Yes, they called! You didn't get it! Okay? I mean, you didn't get it.
I' m sorry.
I' m sorry.
That's okay.
These things happen.
But they shouldn't happen.
You know what? You' re in a terrible, terrible business.
I don't want to be the person who makes you look like that.
I' m okay.
See? Now you' re sad and creepy.
I' m sorry.
I quit.
No, no, you can't quit! You' re the best agent I ever had.
Rejection is part of being an actor.
You can't take it personal.
They said they'd never met an ltalian actor with a worse ltalian accent.
They actually said that? Oh, God, there's that face again.
See? I can't do this job! This is why you have to do this job! Agents always lie.
Estelle just says stuff like, "They went another way.
" But this? I can use this.
I can work on a new accent.
Yeah, okay.
If it helps you, okay.
Yeah.
You'll never get me, Joe! No, thank you.
What are you doing here? Just a bit of shopping.
How have you been? Are you being British? Not anymore.
Why are you shopping here? You don't live in this neighborhood.
Were you here waiting for me? I' m just.
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picking up some things for a party.
Barley? What kind of party serves barley? I' m sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.
Where is this party? Here in Chelsea.
Whose party is it? A woman's.
What woman? Chelsea.
Either you' re seeing somebody behind my back.
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which would make you the world's biggest jerk.
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or you' re pretending to see somebody.
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which makes you so pathetic I could cry right here! So which of these two guys do you want to be? Can I be that guy? Okay, we got some more good rejections.
Lots of stuff to work on.
Okay.
Shoot.
Okay.
Oh, the zoo commercial.
I didn't get it? They said that you "weren't believable as a human being.
" So you can work on that.
Great.
What else? The off-Broadway-play people said that you were "pretty but dumb.
" Oh, no wait.
I' m sorry.
That's "pretty dumb.
" Look, it's okay, no, no, no.
Really.
Look.
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I really appreciate this.
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but I' m gonna have to go back to Estelle.
Don't get me wrong.
You' re a better agent than she is.
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but at least with her, I don't want to blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Yeah, no, I understand.
You do? Thanks.
Okay.
Sorry.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Did you make all that stuff up to get out of being my agent? Oh, he caught me.
I am so busted! That's what I suspected! And then I just, you know.
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threw the bag of barley at her and ran out of the store.
My God, Chandler, we said be "aloof," not "a doof.
" I've actually ruined this, haven't l? Is it time for the good ice cream now? Yeah, it is.
You know what? Everything's gonna be okay.
Can you hold on for a second? What do I do? I don't know.
This is unprecedented.
If we did what you did, a man would never call.
I got it! Pretend you just woke up.
That'll throw her off! -Be sleepy! -Yes! And grumpy! What are you--? Stop naming dwarfs! I' m so glad that you called.
I know I've been acting really weird lately.
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and it's just because I' m crazy about you.
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and I just got stupid and scared.
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and stupid a couple more times.
And I' m sorry.
Really? Really? He's so lucky.
If Janice were a guy.
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she'd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
I love you too.
It's so unfair! G.
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Joe? G.
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Joe?! I don't know what to tell you guys.
That's the doll he chose.
What'd you do, dip it in sugar? Look, G.
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Joe's in, Barbie's out.
And if you guys can't deal with it, that's just your too bad.
What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbie.
Big deal.
You used to dress up like a woman.
What? The way you used to dress up in Mom's clothes? What are you talking about? The big hat, the pearls, the little pink handbag? Okay.
You are totally making this up.
How can you not remember? You made us call you "Bea"? Oh, God.
I've literally never been this happy.
Wasn't there a little song? Oh, please, God, let there be a song.
There was no song.
There was no song.
I am Bea -I drink tea-- -That's enough.
Won't you.
Won't you.
Won't you.
Won't you dance around with me? I am Bea I drink tea Won't you dance around with--? Ross?