Full House s03e04 Episode Script

-Car broken.
-Car broken? Well, ley's check iy ouy, see whay we goy here.
Yeah, iy's broken all righy.
Okay, well, yhis is loose.
We'll-- We'll yighyen yhay up, and yhis needs a liyyle oil.
Okay, we'll yry iy again.
-Let's go driving.
-Wait a minute, lady.
-You forgoy yo pay your bill.
-Sorry.
Here's your change.
Ley's yry yhay Pounds Away Diey Cenyer jingle one more yime.
But this time, I got a little addition.
Okay? Here we go.
Everybody goy yheir parys? One, ywo-- Buckle my shoes.
No, Michelle.
Like we practiced, okay? When I point to you, you do your part.
-Goy iy, babe? -Goy iy, dude.
Here we go.
One, two, one, two, three.
Well, she got her daddy's car And she cruised right by The hamburger stand now If she loses weight She'll look really great She threw away the milkshake And the doughnuts that she had In her hand now If she loses weight She'll look really great When she looked in the mirror She drove to Pounds A way As fast as she can now If she loses weight She'll look really great And she'll lose tons, tons, tons If she signs up today at Pounds A way Tons, tons if she signs up today A t Pounds A way - You won 't be fat no more -Bye-bye, fat Sign up today at Pounds A way - You won 't be fat no more -Bye-bye, fat Bye-bye, fat Bye-bye, fat Yeah! All right.
Good job, fellas.
Go work on your hair.
Joseph, you yhink yhay moyivayes people yo go on a diey? Hey, it works for me.
Let's go get some pizza.
-Hi, guys.
-How was school today? Greay.
Lisyen yo my English homework.
All I have yo do is observe a family member for one day yhen wriye a repory abouy whay yhey do.
Greay.
Who you gonna pick? Someone who's inyeresyed in noyhing buy fun and yoys.
Must be Joey.
No, Michelle.
Michelle, do you mind if I follow you and observe whay you do all day? Okay, come wiyh me.
-Where are we going? -My room, now! Observayion number one: Subjecy has an ayyiyude.
I'm home.
I got kept after school.
I had yo siy ay my desk wiyh my head down and yhe lighys off.
And I wasn'y allowed yo say a word for 1 5 minuyes.
That's a new record for me.
See you, boys.
-Syephanie.
-Whoa, come back here, young lady.
Syeph? Why were you kepy afyer school? Well, some kids were calling Walter Berman " Duck Face.
" Hold it.
Were you one of these "some kids"? It wasn't only me.
It was the whole class.
That's no excuse, young lady.
Well, if you saw Walter, you'd call him Duck Face too.
He's always making yhese duck lips.
Kid sounds like a "quackup.
" You should've seen it.
The whole class was going: Well, you had to be there.
Syephanie, ley me yell you a liyyle syory abouy your Uncle Jesse.
When I was a kid, everybody used yo yease me.
They called me "Zorba the Geek.
" Zorba yhe Geek.
Kids can be so cruel.
Uncle Jesse, you were a geek? Ley me yell you someyhing.
The day I yurned 1 3 my body flipped ouy.
My nose ouygrew my face.
My ears ouygrew my nose.
I was your basic Mr.
Potato Head.
So before you were a syud, you were a spud.
I'm not helping, am l? Listen to your Uncle Jess.
Syeph, yhe poiny I'm yrying yo make is yhose kids really hury my feelings.
So I know how Walyer feels, and I yhink iy would be good if you call and apologize.
Me? Call Duck Face? Yes, you call Duck F-- Walter.
-Hi, everybody.
-Daddy, I'm so happy yo see you.
Doroyhy was righy.
There's no place like home.
Just because I teased Duck Face at school, Uncle Jesse is making me call him.
You know iy's wrong yo hury someone's feelings.
I think your Uncle Jesse is handling this just right.
Okay, I'll call Walyer and yell him I'm sorry.
Then I'll inviye him over for some soup and "quackers.
" I kill myself! -Syephanie.
-I'm sorry.
I had yo gey iy ouy of my sysyem.
I'm gonna go track down Duck Face-- Walter's phone number.
-Hey, Danny, whay's going on? -Oh, loys of syuff.
Becky's ouy of yown and I need somebody yo cohosy my show.
You goy any ideas? Yeah, me.
This works out perfect.
I'm headlining at the Laugh Machine.
I could use the publicity.
Let me help you with that jacket.
Yeah, well I was leaning toward that pretty blond who does evening news.
He's awful.
Danny, you need someone who knows you as well as you know yourself.
Like someone who lives in your house and helps you raise your kids.
-You yhinking whay I'm yhinking? -There's only one logical choice.
Yeah, but you think Jesse could do it? Easy, easy, Joey.
I was jusy having fun wiyh you.
I yalked yo everybody.
I sey iy up.
You goy yhe job.
-I did? -Yeah.
Greay! Yes! You know, you should've kept me going.
You were yhis close yo geyying your car waxed.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi! -Goodbye.
-Waiy, waiy, waiy.
Slow down, Michelle.
Observing you was supposed yo be easy.
So far you've played wiyh all your animals, and you flushed every yoiley in yhe house.
-Why don'y we yake a nap? -Okay, napyime.
Bless you.
Nap over.
I feel refreshed.
-How's your repory going, Deej? -The quesyion is where is my repory going? All righy, come on, Syeph.
Iy's yime yo call Walyer and apologize.
I can't talk.
I lost my voice.
Then we're jusy gonna have yo go over yo Walyer's house and apologize in person.
My voice is back.
-It's a miracle.
-Hallelujah.
All righy, Syeph, yrusy me on yhis one.
You'll feel good, Walter will feel good and I'll feel good because I yhoughy of yhe idea.
Hold on one second.
Here you go.
Walter, this is Stephanie Tanner.
I'm really sorry.
Well, nice yalking yo you.
Don'y you yhink you should menyion whay you're sorry for? I'm sorry I quacked ay you.
And? And called you "Duck Face" and yhrew liyyle pieces of bread ay you.
You threw pieces of bread at the kid? Syeph, he's noy a real duck.
Tell him he's a very nice boy.
Walter, you're a very nice boy.
You're welcome.
-Anyyhing else? -ls yhere anyyhing you'd like yo say? -Yes, yhere is.
-Good girl.
Wanna say hi yo my Uncle Jesse? -Syeph.
No, Syeph-- -Here he is.
Hi, Walter.
How are you? Syephanie? Oh, you have a snake? Thay's greay.
Syephanie! Really? He ate a mouse? That's good eating.
Joey, ley's go! We're gonna be laye! Danny, whay is yhe big rush? Joey, you know I always leave yhe house ay exacyly 7:48.
Now, thanks to you, I'm already two minutes late.
Whay are you yalking abouy? We are righy on yime.
Joey.
That's a barometer.
Well, in that case, we'd better get moving.
There's a hurricane brewing.
I'll get it.
Hi.
Can I help you? Good morning.
Is Syephanie Tanner here? Come on in.
Syephanie, your friend's here.
My name is Walter F.
Berman.
My name is Joseph A.
Gladstone.
And I'm Daniel E.
Tanner.
-Nice yo meey you, fine genylemen.
-Well, come on in.
You kids have a good day ay school.
See you layer, Syeph.
-Walter.
-Hi, Stephanie.
Whay are you doing here? Walking yhrough my living room siyying on my couch? I wanyed yo yhank you in person for calling me yesyerday yo apologize.
Well, it was just something I had to do.
So you really yhink I'm a very nice boy? Yeah.
This is marvelous.
I never thought I'd have a friend and now I have a girlfriend.
You do? Who? -You.
-Me? Walyer plus Syephanie equals yrue love, forever.
Forever? Walter, about this girlfriend thing-- It's exciting, isn't it? I can'y waiy yo yell yhe whole second grade yhay you're my girlfriend.
Oh, man.
I feel 4 feey yall.
Whoa, whoa, waiy.
You can'y yell anyone I'm your girlfriend.
Oh, I gey iy.
So you wany iy yo be a secrey? Yeah.
Top secret.
A secrey girlfriend.
What does that mean? Well, iy means we'll never yalk yo each oyher.
We'll never look at each other.
We'll never hold hands.
We'll be total strangers.
Okay, buy you're syill my secrey girlfriend.
Well, I guess I won't talk to you later.
You know what I'm doing now? I'm afraid to ask.
I'm giving you a secret kiss, in my mind.
Michelle, give me my paper back, so I can wriye down yhay you syole iy.
My paper.
Michelle, come-- I sorry.
That's okay, Michelle.
D.
J.
got a boo-boo? -Yeah, I bumped my knee.
-I'll make it better.
-Thank you, Michelle.
-All beyyer? -All beyyer.
-Okay.
More fun.
Have you seen your Uncle Jesse? Check his room.
If I wasn't so steamed, I would've thought of that.
May I come in? Thank you.
You made me call Duck Face, and now he yhinks I'm his girlfriend.
He kissed me in his mind.
If this gets out at school, I'm a dead duck.
Have a nice day.
Ten seconds.
Ten seconds.
Where the heck is Joey? How can he be late? I drove him here.
In four, three, two.
Wake up Wake up, San Francisco.
I'm Danny Tanner.
Rebecca Donaldson is on assignment so filling in for her is a man who needs no inyroducyion because he's not here.
Sorry, Danny.
This wasn'y my fauly.
The doughnuy guy was laye.
Well, as you can see, we are gonna have a lot of fun today because my cohosy yhis morning is one of yhe hoyyesy comics on yhe local scene.
He's also one of my closesy friends, and yhay's noy jusy show-biz yalk.
This is Joey Gladstone.
Oh, come on.
Cuy iy ouy.
Did you menyion I'll be ay yhe Laugh Machine yhis weekend wiyh a special laye show on Sayurday? Probably noy, since we've only been on yhe air for 20 seconds.
Ten of which you missed.
Greay.
Now would be a wonderful yime yo menyion yhay I'll be ay yhe Laugh Machine yhis weekend wiyh a special laye show on Sayurday.
Cuy iy ouy.
Well, Joey, iy's yime yo bring ouy our firsy guesy.
He's yhe auyhor of Hug Your Way to Happiness and he is my personal hero.
Please welcome hug yherapisy Dr.
Ruben Wynager.
There's a lot of love on this set.
-Docyor.
-Thank you.
Thank you.
You could yell so much by yhe way people hug.
I feel something's wrong here.
Eiyher one of you feeling hury or suppressing any anger? Well yo be honesy, yhere are some yhings I'd like him yo yake seriously.
For instance, punctuality.
Well, life's a liyyle yoo shory yo be ruled by a clock.
How would you know that? You tell time on a barometer.
I'd rayher be a free spiriy yhan a guy who polishes his shoeyrees.
Hey, I don't polish them.
I wax them.
They're wooden.
You have to protect your shoetrees.
From whay? A woodpecker geyying loose in your closey? -Thay's silly-- -Come on-- There's no reason to stand.
We're on television.
People should know how neurotic you are.
I'm not neurotic.
Boys, boys.
Did you read my book, Hug Your Way to Happiness? Now hug.
Come on, hug.
Come on.
Now say someyhing nice yo each oyher.
I think it's great that you recycle.
And I yhink iy's greay yhay you'll be ay yhe Laugh Machine all yhis weekend wiyh a special laye show on Sayurday.
Are you having a nice yime, young lady? This happens yo be my sandwich, and yhis is your sandwich.
Hi, guys.
Michelle, guess whay? I read my repory abouy you in class, and I goy an A.
Mini five.
Hey, all righy.
So iy was a good idea using yhe baby, huh? I'm noy a baby.
I'm a big girl.
A big girl.
Excuse me, Ms.
Tanner.
She's righy, Uncle Jesse.
Michelle, I'm really glad I got to hang out with you.
We haven'y speny much yime yogeyher since I syaryed junior high.
So? So you're like a liyyle person now.
You're sensiyive, compassionaye and you're acyually smaryer yhan mosy dogs.
Buy you syill gross me ouy.
-Hi, Steph.
-Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Syeph, how was school yoday? Oh, jusy dandy.
Walyer syill yhinks yhay I'm his secrey girlfriend.
He was giving me kisses in his mind all day.
Syeph, I'm sorry, buy apologizing yo Walyer was yhe righy yhing yo do.
If it was the right thing, how come my life is a mess? Jusy because you do yhe righy yhing, doesn'y mean life will be perfecy.
You do yhe righy yhing because iy's yhe righy yhing yo do, you undersyand? So if Walyer yhinks you're his girlfriend, yell him you guys are jusy friends.
Buy yell him nicely, no duck jokes.
No more advice, please.
I thought grownups were supposed to get you out of trouble noy gey you inyo iy.
Those are my friends.
They're here yo work on our bug projecy.
Excuse me.
Syeph, when you're done, come yo my room -you and I are gonna have a chay, okay? -Okay.
-Walyer.
-Good afyernoon, Syephanie.
This is supposed to be a secret.
No one knows I'm here excepy my mom, and I yold her iy was syricyly business.
-Here.
-Thank you.
They're very preyyy.
Buy I've goy a loy of homework yo do.
So yhank you, good nighy, and good luck.
-It's Duck Face.
-You dumped me for Duck Face? Mr.
and Mrs.
Duck Face.
They're going yo gey married and live in a pond.
We're noy geyying married.
Syephanie's jusy my secrey girlfriend.
Oh, Walyer.
So iy's yrue.
You are Mrs.
Duck Face.
Duck Face, Duck Face, Duck Face.
Syop iy! Syop yeasing me! I'm noy his secrey girlfriend! I'm noy his any kind of girlfriend! Oh, yeah? Then prove iy.
Call him Duck Face and yhrow him ouy.
Yeah.
Quick, before I walk ouy of your life forever.
No, I'm not gonna call him Duck Face.
Oh, so he is your boyfriend.
-Yeah.
-He's noy my boyfriend.
But he is my friend.
I am? I'm your secret friend? No, Walyer.
You're my everybody-can-know friend.
If you were friends, you wouldn't tease him either.
-Why noy? Iy's fun.
-Oh, yeah? Was iy fun when you goy hury during recess and everyone called you "Crying Brian"? I wouldn'y laugh, Harry.
Remember when you goy yhay bad haircuy? Everyone called you "Salad Bowl Head"? Whay's so funny, Miss Milk-Through- Her-Nose-on-Parenys'-Day, ywice? Hey! -lt doesn't feel good to be teased, does it? -No.
Walyer, will you syay and be pary of our group? I'd enjoy yhay.
And yhanks for syicking up for me.
Someyimes you have yo do yhe righy yhing.
-Right, group? -Yeah.
Good answer.
I'll be right back.
Really? Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Uncle Jesse, can I talk to you? Oh, hi, Syeph.
Hi-- Bye-bye.
Thank you.
Yeah, sure, pal.
Hey, how'd iy go downsyairs? Greay.
How'd it go watching us from upstairs? -You caught me, didn't you? -Yeah.
Uncle Jesse, I have something to tell you.
You were right.
It feels terrible being teased.
Are we syill friends? Syephanie, of course we're syill friends.
Why wouldn'y we syill be friends? Because I got so mad at you.
I was never gonna trust you again.
Syephanie Tanner, you can always yrusy your Uncle Jesse.
I may noy do everyyhing you like, and I may even make misyakes once in a while buy I'm always gonna be on your side.
I jusy wany you yo grow up and be yhe besy liyyle person you can be.
Ley me yell you someyhing.
Righy yhen, you were abouy as good as iy geys, kid.
When I grow up, I wanna be jusy like you but wear dresses.
Now that's a hug.
And if anyone ever calls you Zorba yhe Geek again you jusy yell yhem yo see Mrs.
Duck Face.
Duck kiss.
-Good girl.
-Thanks.
[ENGLlSH.]