Gimme Gimme Gimme (1999) s03e04 Episode Script

This programme contains
some strong language.
Won't somebody help me
chase the shadows away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme
a man after midnight
Take me through the darkness
to the break of the day
There's not a soul out there
No-one to hear my prayer
Gimme, gimme, gimme a man! ♪
SMOKE ALARM
SMOKE ALARM
Nurse! Nurse! I'm dying!
Quick! Help!
Is it time for my bed bath yet?
God! I never get five minute's peace
with you, do I?
It's these sheets - they're clammy!
- Feel! - Ah! Don't make me touch you
if I don't have to!
Sorry, Linda - must dash!
Do I look sexy in a saucepan, but?
I can see a bit of you sticking out
like a saucepan's handle.
And it's not that little!
Please let me go - please!
Oh, stay and talk to me, Bart -
I get so bored in here! Please!
You've made history. No-one
wants to share a ward with you!
We've never known people
get better so quick!
See! I'm a "gin!" - I mean a tonic.
- No more smoking - right?! - But it
gives you vitamins - Mummy said!
Bloody National Health Service! They
all want lining up against the wall
and shooting!
I'll need a basket of crudites -
I'm with Linda Lusardi -
if I haven't got a small carrot,
I cannot perform!
- Hi. - Hi.
Well, guess what. You are feasting
your bug-eyed, stair rods
at the dashing new star of Dr Deaf -
isn't that fantast?
Speak English, Tom.
Dr Deaf - it's a crime series about
a pathologist, but with a twist!
Well, the clue's in the title -
Dr Deaf - so, she's?
- A police lady with flicked back
hair. - No, no - she's deaf.
I'll be playing Boyo Griffiths - the
slippery, heroin-addicted assistant
with a perverted interest in Motown!
So, with a name like Boyo
- he's Portuguese? - Well, that's
what I thought, but, no, he's Welsh!
- Oh! - But I remembered being stuck
in a lift with Lorraine Kelly.
So, I imitated her
"Get me out, ya bastards!
Get me out of here, you lazy gits!"
- Right. - So
tell me why you're in here.
Involved in some major accident?
Quel fromage -
as we say en vacance-in-ent!
- Nah! I fell off a bus conductor.
- LAUGHTER
Went arse-over-tit off the 38 and
flick-flacked down Oxford Street!
- Anything broken? - An ironmonger's
window and possibly me wrist.
Oh! I've just had an idea!
You couldn't just die?
Your autopsy would be good research.
Normally, I die like that - but I'm
in love. So do you mind if I don't?
- Oh, right Anyone we know? - It's
one of the nurses in here, actually.
- Male? - Of course he's male!
Here they come!
Coming for a poke about!
Everybody this is Linda.
Linda is 19.
She was involved in an RTA and has
proved to be a most fascinating case.
Despite extensive investigations -
scans, you name it - we have, as yet,
been unable to locate a brain!
She walks, talks, breaks wind like
a rhino, but no brain! This way!
I want to see my boyfriend!
I want to see my Bart!
Bart? There was a guy in our drama
course called Bart - I had a crush
on him - he had a huge package.
- Like a pensioner's leg? - I'll say!
We played the cow
in a production of Flashdance.
I hope you were up the back!
And on the final night -
do you know what I did?
I stole his tights! And to this day,
when the mood takes me
I slip them on
and dance a furtive fandango.
- The last time I saw him we were up
for Jerry - the musical! - Halliwell?
Adams. Yes! I gave a brilliant
performance at my audition -
just went, "There's a bomb
under your seat! Get out now!
That's my Gerry Adams.
God! Bart's boyfriend was Adam.
That used to be my nickname
up the Old Carriers Arms -
they'd say,
"Anyone ugly - she's 'AD 'EM!"
Every time I hear that name
it fills me with bile!
Adam! Adam! Bloody Adam!
I played Eve in the school play.
Billy McGinty was Adam.
I got pulled off on opening night.
I went on naked -
I didn't look odd - Mummy made me
a downstairs wig out of Brillo pads.
It brought me out
in a terrible rash
I've still not shifted it.
It was touch and go
whether I'd make it.
God! I'm going to vomit!
- Drugs, Linda? - Well I don't,
but seeing as it's you,
chop me a big one, baby!
They're painkillers, you daft sod!
Open wide.
GIGGLES
Your mouth!
- Swallow. - You know me so well!
'Ere, Tom -
that's my boyfriend, Bart.
Ain't he gorgeous? Look at his arse!
Like two grapefruits in an handbag!
- Bart?! - Tom! - What the bloody hell
are you doing here?! - Working. - You're
not researching a role, are you?
Not the gay, wheelchair-bound, HIV
with a speech impediment in Dr Deaf?
They told me
Eamonn Holmes had been pencilled.
Are you still doing
street theatre?
With that cardboard Alsatian?
No. I've a lead role
in a new crime series.
Nearly got mobbed on the way in.
Dr Deaf - have you heard of it?
- You? - Ya. - What? Someone's
actually paying you to work(?)
- Don't sound surprised! -
You jammy git - no disrespect,
but you were the WORST in our year.
The best part of his performance
was the curtain call!
So tell me, how's thingumabob?
You're boyfriend - what's his name?
- Adam. - Yes, Adam. - You said you wanted
to kill him. - Shut up. So, how is he?
Didn't you hear?
Um Adam died six months ago.
Was it a gruesome,
long, drawn-out death?
No, reasonably quick.
Hang on a minute! Are you telling me
he's a bleeding homo?! Shit, guy!
Why don't you come round for supper
if you're single? Still vegetarian?
It's amazing what I can do
with three courgettes and olive oil.
I can do it with four!
Take my card - buzz me.
- Tom, this is an appointment card
for the clap clinic. - Oh, shit!
Voici my real card. Ju-ji on over
when you have a moment. Who knows?
I might be wearing a bit of history.
- Great! How does Tuesday at 8pm grab
you? - By the short and curlies, baby.
Thanks, Tom - I'm in bits.
So is Humpty Dumpty,
but he's not complaining!
- Hi, neighbour! - What do you want?!
We've come to visit you!
Well, visit me, then!
Anything infectious about you?
Only me giggle.
Look - we bought you colouring books.
- Pokemon colouring books! - And
crayons. - Face paints. - Etch-A-Sketch!
Jez, that's mine - you promised!
Oh, poorly Linda -
my precious little prune.
You look even worse than usual.
- Come,
let me give you a little hug. - Yes.
- Suze, give her a hug.
- I don't want to. - Please!
- No! She's ugly! - It'd turn me on.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Oh, Linda, your skin's so soft!
It's like a downy peach!
Get off me, Lesbo-slag!
Suze, isn't a lesbian -
she's just very accommodating.
I might be. Last night,
I had a very interesting dream
about Sue Lawley, actually.
- Fill me in, kitten.
- That's what SHE said!
Oh, this is crap!
So, what do we do now?
I think you cry, tell me you love
me, give me some money - and leave!
- Never been in a National Health
hospital. - That's why we came!
I won't step outside
unless I'm BUPA'd to the eyeballs!
- Where's Barbara Windsor? - Shut up -
I'm trying to watch Tom on the TV!
- Is that him? - That's a cheese plant.
- Have I been on? - Shh! - Sorry I'm late.
I took public transport,
in case anyone wanted to spot me.
- Get recognised? - Twice! First, a man
reckoned we'd had sex in Top Shop.
- And the second time?
- It was him again.
I went round
the Circle Line three times.
Are you any looser today, Linda?
- They're shooting out of me like
bullets! - You're still quite tight.
- Barty, I'm in the next scene.
- I'm a bit tied up, Tom.
- I'm taping it -
you can watch it tomorrow. - OK.
- Gosh! The nurse recognised you! - Kind
to your fans - inviting them round!
That's Gidea Gargoyn - she was the
face of MenuMasters! She adores me.
She gave her all in this scene -
she's so good at playing Deaf.
- Any news?
- I'm sorry, you'll have to sign that.
I'm as deaf as a post.
I'm about to cut open
your husband's spleen -
we'll have a clear idea of why he
was moonlighting at the sewage farm.
Boyo, my Welsh assistant, is through
those doors preparing the stiff.
- As soon as we know anything
I'll give you a shout. - Good luck!
How many times
do I have to tell you? I'm deaf.
Shears.
Right, I'm going in.
For the purposes of the tape
I'm cutting into vital artery B.
Egg whisk.
No, actually,
get me the nail-clippers.
So, does being deaf make you
a better pathologist, Janine?
I don't know, Boyo, but it sure
as hell makes me a better lover!
- Janine, I have to tell you -
I'm a raving homosexual. - Sign.
I don't believe you're doing this
to me - you're having an affair with
Father Parth. I don't believe it!
- Excuse me. Are you? - Yes! I am.
Oh, it IS you!
Oh, I think you're wonderful!
- Could I trouble you for a?
- Of course you could.
- Oh, I haven't got any paper. - Ta-da!
I always come well equipped.
Could you sign it, "To Myra."
"To Myra" - such a pretty name
Can't think why it never caught on!
There you go.
Tell you the truth -
I thought you were dead!
When are you going to make
more Carry On films?
"Oh, infamy, infamy -
they've all got it in for me!"
Watch a lot of daytime TV?
IRISH ACCENT:
Oh, it's you! £6.72, please.
Shagging a priest? You dirty bastard!
Sorry!
CHEESY MUSIC ♪
So, do you still see anyone
from our drama college days?
Oh, no! My robe has opened
to reveal my fleshy tabernacles.
- I did bump into Freddy Clutterbuck.
- Is he still acting?
- No. He's a paparazzi photographer.
- Freddy - how I miss him! - He told me
that he still thinks you're a twat!
- Didn't mean to kick him off stage.
Is he out of the wheelchair? - Yes.
- Talking of Dr Deaf - have you
seen it? - I haven't, but some of
the orderlies think it's hilarious!
Ha-ha! Yes - moving swiftly on!
How are you finding singledom?
- Shagging anything that moves -
like me? - No. I miss him. - Who? - Adam.
- Oh, God!
- Don't you want to know how he went?
If you insist on droning on about
a dead boyfriend, I'll give you
60 seconds to tell me how he died,
without hesitation, deviation
or repetition - starting now!
He was doing an advert for Cheerios,
filming in a candy store
and this gunman ran in
during filming
- Repetition of "filming." - ..waving
a sawn-off shotgun - 40 seconds.
..Adam hyperventilated
and he choked on a Cheerio!
The whole thing's on camera
- 30 seconds. - They sent me the video -
if only I'd been there!
- Why? - I could've done the Heimlich
manoeuvre - 10. - and saved his life!
- Hesitation - I win, you lose! Ha-ha!
- That wasn't very nice, Tom. - Well,
then, change the subject, please!
- You really are one of the most vile
queens that's walked the planet,
aren't you?! - Vile - but alive!
I think I'm just going to
sit down now and cross my legs.
Look at how brown my legs are, Bart.
Look at
how brown and shiny they are.
I'm going to let you in on a little
secret, Barty - I'm wearing tights!
- Do you want to know what else?
They're not mine! - Are they, Linda's?
Look at my lovely brown legs, Barty!
Look at them! Kiss them! Kiss them!
- Come on, Barty! You want it! I've
fancied you since dialect class!
- You're actually serious, aren't you?
- Touch me in naughty places. Go on!
Go on! I love you! - You love me? - Yes.
- What? You'd do anything for me?
- Anything - your wish is my command!
Anything at all?
Yes, I would.
Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa!
I really had no idea, you were
into this - oh, worshipful master -
but I ain't complaining!
- That looks good! What's your girlie
name? - Um, Thomasina - Thomasina Tool.
How does it feel like being a girl?
It feels good -
very liberating being a girlie.
Tom, you wouldn't have such things
as handcuffs, would you?
Oh, God! Oh, God! Yes! I do!
My love cuffs!
Be gentle with me!
Be gentle with me!
- You've been a VERY, VERY
naughty girl! - Have I, mister?
Will I be punished - severely?
But I knoweth not what I dideth.
How does that feel? Can you escape?
No No, I can't! I'm stranded
all alone in a strange part of town.
You want me to kiss you, don't you?
Yes, that would be nice -
but I'm a good girl, I am!
- Beg me! - Go on, kiss me, Barty! Treat
me like the dirty bitch that I am!
- Aow! That hurts - you prick! - Good!
I wouldn't touch you with a very long
bargepole if you were the last man
on this planet - you disgust me!
I'd shag LINDA before you!
And that's bad!
- Where are you going?! - Home!
But not before I've called
a friend of ours.
- What IS your problem?! - You were
vile about Adam! - God, you're still
banging on about him! He's DEAD!
Yeah, Freddy - Freddy Clutterbuck
It's Bart. Come over to 69 Paradise
Passage, Kentish Town - rear window.
Bring your camera -
you might make some money, kid!
You can't do this!
I'm a star - he's a paparazzo!
Exactly!
Help!
Help! Soap star in a conundrum!
Help!
Ha-ha! Oh, that is a right show-up!
Ain't it, though!
Ain't it a show-up! Look at that!
'Ere, everybody - look at that!
That's HIM - isn't it a show-up?
So, how long were you there for?
Not very long - about three days.
Jez and Suze had to break in
and cut me loose with a chain saw.
My first boyfriend
used to tie me up - in knots!
Thank heavens I'm double-jointed!
Hello, Linda. Want to play a game?
This is my boyfriend, Thomas -
off the TV.
- Right(!) - Not for much longer, thanks
to your lousy WANK nurse, Bart!
BANK nurse.
No, I got it right the first time.
Linda -
what does this shape remind you of?
A knob.
And this one?
A knob.
And this one?
That's a REALLY BIG knob.
- Got any more pictures?
- No - I think I've shown you enough.
- Go round showing everybody pictures?
- Only special people. - Oh, good job(!)
- It takes training, Linda.
- What? Flashing pictures of knobs?
I did that in the Brownies!
Do you know, Linda -
I find you fascinating.
I think you have a serious condition.
It's SO rare - it's almost unique.
There's only one of me, babe.
- I think you have - reversed body
dysmorphic disorder. - What's that?
It means someone beautiful thinks
they are ugly and that they don't
deserve people being nice to them.
- And what happens in my case?
- Well, it's reversed.
Oh, God! Somebody hold me back! If
I get within three feet of that vile
queen I'm likely to do some damage!
- So, they FINALLY located it!
- What, me brain? - I don't believe it!
- I have got one - I can do that.
I've heard of the phrase, "Brains in
your arse." But I've never seen it!
Eh?
So that's why your bum's so lumpy.
I'm discharging meself!
I'm discharging meself!
It was just a trick -
God! Lighten up, baby!
- You're all mad! And thanks to you -
I've been fired! - There is a god.
Because they've got me as a gender
bending, panties wearing freak!
Is it wise to leave?
You still need help.
- I'm getting out - away from homos
who won't cop off! - You need help!
- Don't hate me cause you ain't me!
- Yeah!
Oh Socks - see?
Socks - mens socks!
WHISTLES
Come away from there!
That is NOT going on today!
Oh It's freaking me out
without any pictures on it.
It looks really weird.
I read a book once
..They all went to the shops.
It was great!
Do they go to the shops in that?
I don't know - let me just see.
Do they go to the shops in a Tale of
Two Cities(?) Let me just check(!)
No! Call Charles Dickens!
Don't pretend you've heard of him!
Come away from that evil thing!
But it's your last ever episode
of Dr Deaf! You haven't told me
how they writ you out.
You will NEVER find out! Will you?!
Do you want to put my knickers on?
God's sake!
- Jez, look! Tom's head's in the
corner of the garden! - Really?
Wow! Spooky.
I became a pathologist's assistant
because I care about people -
I care about patients
and autopsies and murder.
Well, I'm sorry if that's
not good enough for you, Janine -
but I've a pretty big heart and I've
got one heck of a social conscience.
You've also got
my body stocking on, Boyo.
I'm not Boyo any more.
I'm Boya - I'm a lady with breasts,
bumps and goodness knows what else.
If that isn't good enough -
then it's goodbye from me!
I can't let you stay, Boyo.
Your legs look lousy in tights.
Oh, you're
a cruel-hearted BITCH, Janine!