Grounded For Life (2001) s03e04 Episode Script

Dad! Where's my drivers manual?! How would I know?! I thought you might have put it somewhere! Why would I have put it somewhere?! I don't know why you do things! Look, it's a little late to be reading the manual now, don't you think? How'd it go? What did I tell you? You got the beer distributors off our backs? Is that what I told you? No.
No, they said if we don't make our payment by Friday, our next shipment's going to get delivered through the front window.
Oh, god.
Claudia, Claudia, why do our checks have raggedy Ann on them?! I didn't ask for them like that! The bank just sent them! Well, it's a little humiliating for the bar to be paying for our kegs with raggedy Ann checks! Why are you paying the bar's bills with our personal checks? Because they can't take out-of-state checks and the bar's account is in the Cayman Islands.
Did Eddie do that? There are numerous tax benefits.
Did you find my manual yet?! I'm not looking for it! Lily, did you take my red sweater? Yes! I've been looking for it for an hour.
Well, I had to.
Henry stretched mine out.
How is that even possible? I was using footballs for boobs! Sean, will you please talk to Henry? Henry, you do not need to be wearing women's clothes! It makes me feel pretty! Lily: Jimmy dared him to! Did you?! I'm trying to play a game here! Dad, do you have my $40 check for the road test?! Uh, yeah, but it's got raggedy Ann on it! Oh, god! That is so embarrassing! They just came that way! I can't hear the game! Have you done your homework?! That's so predictable! Dad, my dmv appointment's in a half hour! Ok, I'm coming, I'm coming! Hey, good luck, Lily! Come on.
If we're going to be late, you're going to drive fast, and we'll crash and die, and I'll never get my license.
Ok.
Let's go.
Let's go.
You're out of white wine.
You don't drink white wine.
I might bring a date over.
Why don't you take her to your place? I don't want her to know where I live.
She's kind of psycho.
Hey, Sean, I'm going to the store.
Do you need anything? White wine.
Hey, get your own, freeloader! I'd like to hear you say that to my face.
Go! Go! Go, go, go, go, go! Yes! Ha ha! You're mine! Hey, guys, what are you doing? Playing a video game.
Who is that? A pizza guy.
Why is he lying in a pool of blood? Oh, 'cause I needed his bike.
This is horrific.
What is this thing called? "City of blood.
" This is "aggravated assault"? City of blood.
" Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
This is what sister Helen was ranting about.
There's a new video game called "aggravated assault 2.
" And it's the end of western civilization as we know it.
Mrs.
finnerty, I can hear you.
Sorry.
Studies have shown that games like this can have a lasting psychological impact on a child.
Oh, come on.
Before that game, it was Britney Spears that was destroying our children.
And before Britney, it was south park and the Internet All I'm saying is that concerned parents I am a concerned parent, sister.
But the bake sale's tomorrow, and I have snickerdoodles to make.
Yes, run along and buy your mix.
That mix is good stuff.
But I had no idea.
This thing is repulsive.
You're done.
Mom, I'm 2 kills away from earning a chainsaw.
Not in this house.
You had to bring up the chainsaw.
Oh, Lily, how'd it go? How'd it go? How'd it go? Good question.
So how many points off was that? I don't know.
Like a lot? Yes, yes, I'd say a lot.
What? Like, 2? So, did she pass? I did even worse than last time.
I'm not even coming close.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Lily, don't sweat it.
I can get you a license.
Seriously? Seriously.
Any state you want except Kentucky.
Florida.
Florida it is.
I just got to make a call.
Ok.
So, are you going to cover the liability when she gets in a real wreck with her fake license? I can get her fake insurance, too.
No, no, no, no.
Lily's going to pass the dmv test, or she doesn't drive.
Sorry.
He won't listen to reason.
Oh, hey.
Poor Lily.
She's so eager to get her license.
I've been so eager for her to get her license.
Yeah, I know, but, baby, maybe this isn't the worst thing that can happen.
You know, I mean, do we really want Lily out on the road at all hours, driving god-knows where? Uh, if I don't have to drive her there, yeah, I'm happy.
I know, but aren't you the least bit nervous about Lily? Come on.
All alone, flying down the turnpike at 70 miles an hour? Sweetie, I'm her mother.
Of course I'm going to worry, but she's a good kid, you know? She's smart.
And, man, will I not miss shuttling her from mall to mall, meeting up with all her friends, and then pretending I don't know her.
That's a good point.
How does it feel, driver? Let's go for a cruise.
You know, you can stop it with the whole driving and cruising and cruising and driving! She didn't pass the test.
What? But, Lily, it's so easy.
You'd have to, like, crash into somebody, you know? Sorry, Lily.
Dad.
Dad, we're bored.
Guys, I gotta go fix the bumper, so just find something to entertain yourself with, ok? Like play our new video game? Yeah, fine.
Whatever.
Whatever you say, dad, lock and load.
So You failed again, huh? My life sucks! My grandpa gave me a cherry-red convertible, and I can't even drive it.
I'm sorry.
Now I can't go to Kristina's party on Friday.
Well, I have my license.
I could drive you to Kristina's party.
You were invited? No.
But but I could go as your date.
Yeah, you could if we were dating.
Well, problem solved.
We'll be dating.
I have a boyfriend.
Well, then you'll have to dump him for this arrangement to work.
Get out.
It's the only way.
Kill him! He's already dead.
No, he's not.
He is twitching.
Ooh, "aa-2: City of blood.
" You know it.
There's a great cheat code for this game.
If you hold down x-square-left-one-left-one- right-triangle-square and then press select, everybody's naked.
You can run over naked people? Yeah.
Although, I like to pull up behind them and check them out for a minute first.
Hey, what are you doing? Dad said we could.
He did? Yeah, he practically insisted.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
Hey, what is that on the front of the car? I don't know.
That's a meat grinder.
No, no, no, that's just for cleaning up all the dead pedestrians.
Not helping! You know what your problem is? What? You didn't strategize.
What are you talking about? You went to the dmv down on Van pelt, right? Yes.
Big mistake.
They're notorious hard-asses down there.
You got to go to a place where the people are a little more liberal.
The one in Chinatown, they'll pass anybody.
Isn't that a little racist? What? You know, the whole thing about Chinese people being bad drivers.
You're the one who made that association.
If I were you, I'd take a long, hard look at myself.
I just thought that you meant All I'm saying is that word on the street is if you get the key in the ignition, you're home free.
I can do that.
No, you can't.
Look, driving's a privilege.
It's not a right, so until you can pass that test, you shouldn't get your license.
Those tests are meaningless.
They don't test your skill as a driver, they test your skill at taking tests.
That's the s.
A.
T.
A driving test is composed of actual driving.
In test form.
It's all about, uh Satisfying the expectations of some dmv guy.
Yeah, by driving competently.
You know what? It's it's like talking to a wall.
I'm sorry.
Sean, did you tell those boys they could play this video game? Yeah.
Why? Because I told them they couldn't.
Have you seen it? What? "Aggravated assault"? City of blood.
" Well, what do you want me to do? I want us to have a united front on this, ok? I want you to go tell them that they can't play the game.
Ok.
Ok, fine.
Ok, boys.
I'm sorry, but Your mother doesn't think you should be playing that game.
No! Come on! Sean, come here.
What? That's not a united front, all right? This won't carry any weight unless we're together.
Ok.
Ok.
All right, guys, uh Your mom wants me to tell you that we think you shouldn't be playing this game.
Sean! What? That was lame.
Well, what do you want me to do? I want you to actually believe they shouldn't play the damn game.
Oh, come on, Claudia.
It's a video game.
We used to play games for days on end, and we turned out fine.
Yeah, um We jumped over barrels trying to bang a monkey on the head with a mallet.
Have you seen this game? No.
Oh, well, watch this.
Ahem.
Excuse me.
Oh, hey.
I'm getting out of my car.
There's a A 2x4 with a nail in it.
Ha! Let's see what we can do with that.
Ok, guys! Out! Out! Out! Out! Off your butts.
Go outside.
Run around.
Play.
Do something.
Oh, what? You want some of this? Ha ha ha.
Bring it.
Hey, lil.
You ok? Yes.
Come on, Lily, this isn't such a tragedy.
You want to go do something fun tonight? I'll drive you to the mall.
You know, if you really want to humiliate me, why don't you just tell everybody that I'm a bed-wetter and hang some wet sheets out the window? Lily, come on, you're going to get your license next time.
But I don't understand what went wrong.
I did everything dad taught me.
I i put on my hazards every time I stopped, I did a perfect w-turn.
W-turn? You know, the For for when the sign says, "no u-turns.
" Lily, you don't have to list everything I taught you.
I know.
Can I talk to you for a second? What's a w-turn? Well, you know, when when you're parked, and then there's, like, a big truck behind you, and you don't And there's a double yellow line Oh, my god.
You sabotaged her.
Ok, yeah.
Yeah, I did, and I'm proud of it.
Then why have you been hiding it from me? I'm not that proud of it.
Honey, I can't believe you.
You're teaching her to drive wrong? Come on, baby.
She's not ready to drive.
I mean, if you had been in the car with me when I was giving her lessons, you would be on my side in this thing.
No! No! You got to turn your head and look to see what's coming before you pull out.
I know.
Well, you didn't do it.
I know! Well, do it! I know! You know what? This is going to be so great being independent, not having to pester you or mom every time I want to go somewhere.
Yeah.
I mean, like, in 2 weeks, Dean and a bunch of us, we're going to go to that eminem concert in Philly.
And I won't have to call you to come pick us up at the train station at 2:00 in the morning.
Yeah, that's going to be great.
Hey, you go to holy Trinity? St.
finnian's.
St.
finnian's girls don't know how to party.
That's not true.
Yeah? Prove it.
Hey, mentos man, her dad's here.
Hey, a bunch of us are hanging out at the parking lot behind the con ed plant.
You want to go? I can't.
Told you.
Shut up! If I had my license, I would! Let's just get out of here! Aah! Ha ha ha! All: Whoo-hoo! Come on, dad.
What do we do? Oh, uh Well, what the dmv really looks for is, uh, when you're at a red light, you use the emergency brake, that way you don't roll into the intersection.
Ok.
And and and you have to To honk your horn so you can let the pedestrians know it's safe to cross.
Like that? No, just a lot.
Really lay into it.
Yeah, good, good.
Sean, you're turning her into a menace.
No, no, I'm not.
No, no.
Not if she doesn't get her license.
So what? So a few cones are knocked over in the dmv parking lot.
At least the streets are safe, right? Honey, it's a fact of life, ok? Teenagers are going to drive.
Well, they shouldn't! They shouldn't let any of them drive! I mean, it's hard enough to control Lily on foot.
Shh.
Do you hear that? What? The sound of chainsaw against skull.
Hey! All: Aah! What did I tell you about that game? You said that we couldn't play it at our house.
Brad! Mrs.
finnerty, everybody has this game.
Yeah, that's right, mom.
You can't stop it.
Yeah, so hop on board "the aggravated assault 2: "City of blood" train.
Ha ha ha.
Hop right back over here so I can figure out your punishment.
What kind of motivation is that? Come on, baby, don't you think you're overreacting? I'm overreacting? You torpedoed Lily on her driving test.
I torpedoed her out of love! You torpedoed me? Huh? Oh.
No, your mom misspoke.
Aaah! Is that what you want behind the wheel of a car? All right! I got a magic gumdrop! Put it in the freakin' gingerbread house.
What are you guys playing? "The treasure of baybo.
" Watch out! That turtle will bite your foot! Heaven forbid.
Hey, is Lily around here? No.
No, she's not, Brad.
She hasn't been around her much.
Things have been kind of tense in the house.
Sorry! You're not sorry.
Oh, yes, I am.
You're not even trying to win.
You're just trying to screw me over.
Well, you won't let me drive! Man, she's really mad about you sabotaging her on the driver's test.
Uh-huh.
I mean, I don't even know what you were thinking, really.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, Brad, I know you think we're pretty good friends and all, but there's a good chance I'm going to beat your ass.
Gotcha.
All right.
As of today, our children are a little bit safer.
What'd you do? I led a crusade into the devil's den.
Sir, do you realize that this video game contains shooting, stabbing, sawing, maiming, and burning? I do now.
And do you realize that children can come in here any day of the week and rent this game? We're a video rental store.
That's how we make money.
Video rentals.
Oh, well, if all you care about is making money, why don't you just sell crack? We'd have to change the sign.
Oh, ho ho ho.
Funny boy is making me mad.
Ok, Mrs.
finnerty, sir, this woman has impulse control problems.
Let's not let this get any uglier than it already is.
Lose the game.
Lose the game.
Ah, so you played good nun/bad mom.
Yeah, and it worked.
Oh, they got rid of the game? No, but we got him to put it way up on this high shelf, up by the porno.
Oh, good idea.
The kids will never look up there.
Hey.
It's a start, ok? And I'm going to keep going after this game until it's on higher and higher shelves until nobody can reach it.
Claudia, you are going nuts with this thing.
Oh, nuts? Nuts? Am I nuts? Do you even know what happens on level 17? No, I have no idea.
Yeah? Well, you can replace your arms with flame throwers and cook people and then eat them.
Ok, how do you know what happens on level 17? I i just know.
How? Because I can't stop playing it.
You are so dead.
Hey, dude.
Cool car.
It's mine.
Sean: Claudia? Hey, baby.
What are you doing? Oh, I couldn't sleep.
Oh, you're watching skinemax, huh? Yeah.
Yeah, well, there's no need for that because I'm awake now.
Why don't you wait for me upstairs? Ooh, ok.
Oh, I'll be waiting.
You idiot.
Thought you could get away while I wasn't looking, huh? Sean, you don't understand.
This game is insidious.
All right? It changes the way your brain works.
I find myself driving down the road wondering how many points I'd get for running over the fed ex guy.
Sorry.
God, baby, I can't believe you were just sneaking around playing this game behind my back.
Oh, that's nice.
A lecture on honesty from the man who brought you the w-turn.
Eat lead, zim zim.
Sweet! He's running around without a head on! Hey! Whoa! What is going on? I thought this was a sweet, innocent game.
What happened to baybo's clothes? It's a cheat code.
Naked elves with weapons.
Up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right- up-down-right-circle.
Brad, how the hell can you remember these complex codes and yet you can't remember to zip up your fly? Ok, that's enough.
You know what? This whole game's going out.
Oh, come on! Mom! I got it! I got it! You got your license? Yes, I got my license.
Ok, Eddie, what did you do? She came to me all stressed out.
I couldn't turn her away.
Well, why not? I don't know.
It didn't occur to me.
Oh, god! Let me guess.
Chinatown.
I did what had to be done.
Mr.
tan, this is my niece Lily.
Hi, Lily.
Hi.
Now Lily failed the test twice.
We think the people were being unfair.
Oh, a pretty girl like that? I bet she's a wonderful driver.
Let's go, Lily.
I passed! I passed! I had a good feeling.
Who wants to go for a drive? Oh, no, you don't! I'm there.
That is not a valid license.
That license is as real as yours or mine.
Well, yours.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was not a valid test.
You are not a safe driver.
Well, whose fault is that? No way.
You are not getting these.
Honey, what are you going to do? Hold the keys above her head for the next 10 years? How long do you plan on holding zim zim hostage? Ok, you know what? I don't need the keys.
Kristina's brother can drive us to the concert.
Kristina's brother? Yes.
He gets his license back next week.
Doesn't he drive a delivery Van? Yeah, but he puts lawn chairs in the back.
Uh, Sean, is that what you want? No, baby, obviously, it's not what I want.
Then give her the keys.
Baby, how how will be sure that she'll be safe? Well, we can't be sure, but we have to make a choice, you know? We can either put our trust in our daughter or in lawn chair man.
I pick Lily.
Daddy? Please? Ok, Lily.
But now you got your license, you got to learn how to drive.
Ok, Lily, the 3-point turn isn't really a difficult thing.
It's a very zen-like thing, ok? Just turn the car all the way to the left, and then you put it in reverse, and then you do the same thing, just all the way to the right.
Ok, so what did I just do? Well, uh, you forgot to put the car in reverse, so you jumped the curb, and you t-boned a garbage can, but that's cool.
That's cool.
We're learning.
Ok.
So what do I do now? Forward or reverse? All right.
Let's think.
Ok, what would happen if you were to go forward right now? I'd go into that house.
That's right.
You're getting it.
How's the lesson going? Great.
It's good.
You want a ride? No.
No.
No, thanks.
Need the exercise.
One to nothing.
One to one.
See? What I tell you? Pong's fun.
Yeah, it's terrif.
You want to go outside? Nah.