Happy Endings s03e04 Episode Script

- Hi! - See 'em and weep.
Six front row tickets to the Rock Bottom Remainders concert.
Ha ha! What is that? Only the most popular rock band in the world, made up entirely of best-selling authors.
We have master of suspense Stephen King, voice of an Asian generation, Amy Tan, beloved humorist, Dave Barry! Who's in? Um.
Ahem.
You see, the thing is What day was that? Well, in less confusing news, Dave and I wanna have everyone over for Thanksgiving this year.
I mean, unless you've already started prepping, Jane.
I've already started prepping Thanksgiving two full weeks ahead of time.
Right.
Don't worry.
I am not making you look fat.
Perfect.
Then it's settled.
Although this time of year is always a little bittersweet for me.
There it is.
Thanksgiving is a real reminder of my people's hardships.
As an American living with 1/16th Navajo-ism, I'm gonna use this as an opportunity to educate-- perhaps enlighten all you white people-- and throw an authentic Thanksgiving.
White people? You guys wouldn't understand.
None of your ancestors were at the first Thanksgiving.
Okay, neither were the Navajo.
- One of our many snubs.
- Yeah.
Oh! Fun factoid.
At the time of the first Thanksgiving, our Serbian ancestors were having a Thanksgiving of their own.
They were thanking God for sparing them from the wolves while giving each other the plague.
That fact wasn't fun, was it? Oh, you'll get 'em next time, kiddo.
She will not.
I'm so excited about this.
For our first dinner party at our new place, I feel so sophisticated.
Plus, look, I can make the turkey dance.
Unh, unh, unh, unh.
He's popping and locking.
Splits! Where are those clams that I put on the shopping list? Oh, I thought that was a mistake.
Why would you want clams on Thanksgiving? I just assumed you meant clamps.
Why would I want clamps on Thanksgiving? I don't know! For clampin' stuff! See? Look.
Don't need to worry about that.
It's all clamped up.
Al, Quahog clams were a featured dish in the first Thanksgiving.
I guess I gotta go get some now to prove to you guys how much better an authentic Thanksgiving is.
Oh, Dave, come on.
I respect your cultural traditions.
That's why I made Navajo-Ho-Hos.
Tepees, Al? The Navajo did not live in tepee.
I am deeply offended by this.
They're here.
Happy Thanksgiving! - Gobble, gobble! - Turkey time! I brought you some wine.
Ooh, just like Sideways.
Thanks for having us, Al.
Welcome, welcome! Just as I thought.
Dry, unbrined, overseasoned.
And she's clearly been making it dance.
Mm.
Wrap it in a rug.
Throw it in the river.
Right.
Hey, you guys, I brought something awesome.
You guys remember how Brad and I met-- on Real World, Sacramento.
- Uh-huh.
- Of course.
Totally normal.
And how they couldn't air that season because one of the roommates burned down the converted firehouse we were living in? - Uh-huh.
- Of course.
To the ground.
Well, they finally sent me the DVDs, so we get to watch it, including the episode where you guys all came to visit.
- Oh, my God! - Aah! Oh, man! That was so long ago.
That was before Dave and I started dating.
That's where you met Brad.
- Mm.
- And where I had berries for the first time.
Overrated! Okay, this is not about you.
This is about me and my emotional journey.
This is me coming out.
If that season had aired, I would have been the first openly gay person on television.
Except for Ellen, Rosie, all the Queer Eye guys.
- Oh, and Norman Korpi from The Real World season one.
- Deep cut.
- I'm a fan.
- Mm.
But you guys will see when we watch this that I am a hero.
Isn't it odd how our six-some was basically forged on The Real World, and yet we never talk about it? Classic Penny overthink.
Come help me set the table, you brainy bitch.
Okay.
Baa ahééwiindzin bijí.
- Happy day of thankfulness.
- Oh, shut up.
Excuse me, sir.
We were headed to the Thanksgiving day parade when our car ran out of gas about a mile away.
Could we borrow a few dollars for gas? The irony.
You see, it's the custom of my people to help strangers in need.
And this, on the day of Thanksgiving.
You know what? I'm gonna hit the ATM.
- Nice guy.
- Total sweetheart.
Helping the strangers Thanksgiving day more like Thanksgiving Dave heart of an eagle Oh! Oh, I see you've moved from an outside-my-car to a more inside-my-car situation.
See you later, buddy! No! No! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! David! Trust your instincts, David.
- Okay, so Brad can sit on the exercise ball.
- Mm-hmm.
And Max can have the camping chair, and then you'll be here.
In that sex swing? Ew! No! This is an ergonomic work hammock.
You see how easy? No carpal tunnel for this productive gal.
That's a sex swing.
The guy at the flea market clearly said - that it was for taking care of business.
- I hope they cleaned it.
Doesn't Dave have a dining room table and standard, non-marital-aid chairs in storage? Yeah, but he hasn't really moved all his stuff in yet.
After four weeks? That's weird.
Really? I guess it is.
Should I be reading something into it? What? What? No.
No, don't read anything into anything.
Reading's stupid.
TV rules! Excuse me.
Max! Is it bad I told Alex I think it's weird Dave hasn't moved his stuff in yet? Not unless you still have feelings for Dave, and you're mad at Alex 'cause she lives with him now and you're subconsciously trying to sabotage them.
But you aren't doing anything like that.
I don't know.
I mean, I have always been a bit of a saboteur.
But I wouldn't do that to Alex.
Would I? No, I would-- I'm not doing that.
Sounds like you got everything worked out.
- I don't.
- Okay, everybody, gather 'round.
Ooh, what are we watching? Are we watching something? - I love watching stuff.
- It's our Real World.
Oh! That was never supposed to see the light of day.
Plus who really wants to live in the past, you know? It's like pre-Newtonian physics? No, thank you, sir.
Not this gravity buff.
I'll stay tethered to the earth, thank you very much.
Oh, come on, Brad.
It'll be fun to see us back then.
Plus TV rules, right, Penny? Huh? Yes! Love it.
TV rules, and I always say that.
Is that a bit you guys are doing? Don't worry about it.
I know why Brad's so nervous.
Max, was there a bathroom cam? 'Cause this one can't go pee in the morning until he does his little Wiener greeting.
"Good mornin', Mr.
Brad! "Oh, 'ello, good morning, Mr.
Wiener.
Where we aimin' at this mornin', Mr.
Brad?" - Well, I need to see - Mr.
Brad.
Here we go! So exciting! Whoo! This is the true story True story! Of seven strangers.
Oh, Mr.
Cool guy.
Picked to live in a house And have their lives taped Look at those dreads! Lord, have mercy! To find out what happens When people stop being polite I remember Jared.
He was so cute.
- Ohh.
- Yeah.
- I liked his butt-chin.
- Mm-hmm.
And start getting real.
The Real World, Sacramento! Okay, boring, boring, boring.
There's Jill telling us about her early onset menopause.
Boring, boring, boring.
There's the girl that burned down the house.
- Keep going.
- Boring, boring, boring-- oh, there's me! Today's the day my friends are coming to visit, and I'm super excited, especially 'cause my girlfriend Penny is coming, and we have a very sexual relationship.
We are like two rabbits just doing it all the time.
There's so much sex and, uh It's all hetero.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so excited for you guys to meet my friends.
- They're super chill.
- Aah! Come on! This place is insane! Mmm! Mwah! - Oh, my God.
I belong on camera.
- Not that hair, though.
Talk about hair.
Look at Jane Stefani and Dave.
I mean, he looks like an extra in Singles.
What the fish? Free haircuts? Traffic light inside? They're usually outside.
It's so clever.
Oh, Boo, this is when we first connected.
Oh, look what time it is.
Hot tub 30! Ooh! That sounds so fun! But the tub can clearly only seat six people safely, maybe seven if we do that weird thing where someone sits in the middle.
So I will make a sign-up sheet, right? And we can all take turns.
Whoo! Sacramento! Sign-up sheet! Dude, what is that girl's deal, man? She's so controlling.
She should make a sign-up sheet for who should stop talking and put herself on top of the list.
Uhh! Ugh! These shows! They really edit stuff to make you seem like a jerk when you really just love your wife so much.
I cannot stand that Jane chick.
Kerkovich? More like Kerko-bitch.
Uhh.
Ahh! It's crazy, like, how they edit that stuff, right? It's like, how did they make me say that? I didn't even say that.
It's like, what did they do? Do they, have, like, computers up in my mouth and just, like Good morning, Mr.
Wiener! Remember that? So Kerko-bitch, huh? Jane, that can't be the first time you've heard that, is it? It is the first time you've heard that.
So don't mention anything about the fact that in my head just now I came up with "jerk-ovich.
" Not the time or place.
Will someone please get me out of this cadence, 'cause-- I am not controlling! I'll prove it.
You know what, Alex? Let's make potatoes together.
We can make them any way you want-- either the good way or your way.
We can make my famous bad potatoes this year? Jane, come on.
That was years ago.
I was a moron, remember? I was using body lotion on my face.
Yeah, why don't we all take a fiver, and then we'll get back into it.
All right, here are your Quahogs.
- Great.
- One detail.
I don't have any traditional money.
Well, no clams then.
Come on, man.
Here's the dealio.
Some pilgrims stole my car and phone, so I can't call my friends because I don't know any of their numbers.
I called the cops, but apparently they won't take you to get clams because they "aren't a taxi service for idiots.
" So I was hoping that you and I could have a little barter situation here vis-a-vis a trade.
This is a real store.
If I don't show up with a sack of clams, I'm gonna look like a real dope.
I do like that jacket.
This jacket for some clams? I mean, this thing is choice, plus it's 30 degrees outside.
You're trying to trick me into a very uneven trade.
- The story of my people.
- White people? You who focus on 15/16ths of a man.
Tell you what.
The clams plus this blanket.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Fine.
Joke's on you.
All my friends hate that jacket.
Oh, no.
Does this have cat hair on it? Kiss her, kiss her! Body shots! Body shots! We do so much-- yeah, we do so much of that.
I thought you were coming out in this, buddy.
Hey, Al.
Remember how I said it's wierd that Dave hasn't moved in yet? I was being a real dumb-dumb, because it is the opposite of weird.
It's actually totally normal.
Dave took forever to move in with Max, too, remember? Yeah, 'cause he genuinely didn't wanna move in and was totally conflicted.
Mm.
Mm, mm.
Mm.
Exactly, which is why he'd never do it again, you know, and that's just standard Dave.
Never feeling the same way twice, you know? Anyways, you guys are solid as a rock, and your love seems eternal.
Bye-eee! Eee! I think I made it worse.
Penny, stop it.
You are not sabotaging anything.
There's no way Alex knows that you may or may not have had feelings for Dave.
It's just a figment of your little, tiny girl brain.
You know what? You're right.
You're right.
I don't know why I've been freaking out for nothing.
Thank you.
My relationship with Max is awesome.
Sometimes we just talk all night and forget to have sex.
What if you weren't with Max? If I weren't with Max? I don't know.
What about Dave? You like Dave? Dave? No, Dave is-- what? Dave is Dave.
I mean, he's cute.
He's pretty great.
But why? Did he say something about me? Oh, my God.
Awkward alert.
What? You had feelings for Dave? What? No, Al.
That's-- that's all That's editors there, and I wouldn't-- I-I-- Hey! Remember Brad's British Wiener? Those were 'appy times! Whee! Look at me! Whee! So okay, here's the thing.
About what I said about Dave-- Okay, you know what? Just stop, Penny.
All right? I'm starting to get it now.
You had feelings for Dave, and you know what? Maybe you still do.
So you said all that stuff about him not moving in.
No.
What I said on The Real World was nothing, and it was 2002.
It was such a crazy time.
We were all still reeling from the events surrounding the film Vanilla Sky.
I mean, what is reality? I am so tired of people using Vanilla Sky to defend everything! And I get that.
And I get that.
My Rock Bottom Remainders tickets.
I can sell these for money.
Mmm! Thank you, rockin' scribes.
Six tickets to Rock Bottom Remainders! Six tickets to Rock Bottom Remainders! Hey, I love RBR.
How much? All right, man, you got a deal.
That's great.
Yeah? All right.
Oh, you don't understand what kind of day I've had.
See, I'm 1/16th Navajo-- sir, you're under arrest for scalping.
Scalping? Scalping? Oh, come on, man.
Why would you do this to a fellow Rock Bottom Remain-dude? What are you doing looking for scalpers anyway? We're nowhere near a concert venue.
No, but we are outside a police station.
Scalping? The pilgrims drove me to it! Well, we've had an emotional day, but it's about to get worth it, because I am about to say "I'm gay" on TV, and it's the first time anybody has ever done that.
Watch, watch, watch, watch, watch.
Dude, I got something crazy to tell you.
It's really important.
- What's that now? - "I'm Greg"? I said, "I'm gay.
" I'm a hero! You're definitely a hero to all the Gregs out there.
First openly Greg person on television.
They're letting Gregs in the military now.
Oh, look, there I am.
So young.
So naive.
So unaware of what my future husband was saying about me.
It was a first impression.
Mm, mm, you know what my first impression was? Here's the man I wanna spend the rest of my life with and no one else.
Jared! Jared! Jared? Ready for some boom-boom? Boom-boom?! Welp, I think Brad's embarrassed himself enough for today.
Jared! Jared.
Oh.
Oh.
Hey.
Oh.
Hey, sir.
Hey, you.
Mmm! Yumbers.
Where are you going? Jared.
Jared, hmm? You were gonna hook up with booty-chin Jared? He had a booty on his chin! Ehh.
Ehh.
What is that? So? So what? I was just some big mistake? Guess a lot of people are learning stuff about people based on stuff that they've heard in the past.
Or should I say, "the stuff is out of the stuff bag"? - Al, I'm sorry.
- Guys, come on.
You're being really insensitive to what I'm going through right now ten years ago.
Guys, listen, Penny thinks it's weird that Dave hasn't moved his stuff in.
Is that really so weird? Yes! Oh.
I, uh, didn't realize you all felt that way.
Guess it is a little weird.
Well, let's just see what Dave has to say about it.
Dave? David.
Dave? Has Dave not been here this whole time? I could have sworn he just handed me this beer.
Aah! Clams! Dave, are you okay, man? Ay! Gosh.
Dude, did you just give me this beer, like, five minutes ago? Dude, you just sneezed right in my mouth.
I need some hand sani for my face.
And then they got my car back.
Oh! Great.
But then they confiscated my RBR tickets.
- Uh-huh.
- Oh, yeah! - That's terrible.
- Tough week.
But it wasn't all bad.
I mean, I wanted an authentic Thanksgiving, and I got so much more.
I experienced the entire plight of the Native American people in just one day.
Oh, no, you didn't.
That is wildly insensitive.
And 'cause of my hardships, I feel as though I've earned the right to bestow upon myself - my own Indian name.
- Oh.
So henceforth, I will be known as Has Ordeals With Clams.
I don't like it.
Now is that a legal name change, or this like the time you wanted us to call you Lindsey? It's so much bigger than that.
Oh, excuse me, Linds.
Pen.
I overreacted.
I know you were just asking me a normal question about Dave moving in, and I'm sorry.
Look, I would never try to hurt your relationship, and our friendship is the most important thing to me.
- Yeah.
- And I am so happy that you're happy.
And me and Dave? That would be crah-zah! Crazy.
I should have just said "crazy.
" I'm the one who's acting crazy.
It's-- it's just that I hadn't eaten in, like, - There we go.
- I think that was it.
Your blood sugar-- you've gotta stay on top of it.
So pretty crazy Dave story, huh? Probably the most surprising event or piece of information that's come to light today.
I just can't believe I was only an accident.
Well, you know, I-I was doing some research, and you know what else was an accident but then turned out to be amazing? The slinky.
Nuh-unh.
And corn flakes.
- And Play-Doh.
- I love the way that smells but not the way it tastes.
And Penicillin.
I needed so much of that in college.
Oh! I love all that stuff! And the accident of us kissing didn't turn out to just be something great, but it-- it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
And every moment after that was no accident.
Aw.
Babe.
Mm.
Dave, I gotta ask you a question, and I want you to be totally honest with me.
Why haven't you moved your stuff in yet? What? I told you.
I'm moving in this weekend.
That's the earliest I could get movers.
Don't tell me you were eyes-open napping again.
Hey, movers are coming with my stuff on Saturday, okay? I do do that.
It's weird, huh? Yeah.
Well, I've prepared the clams in the traditional manner, then I sampled them and subsequently disposed of them.
You're welcome.
But this turkey-- oh, my God.
It is delish.
I guess I really outdid myself.
Yeah, you did, Al.
To the Kerko-bitch sisters.
- Yeah! - Yeah! - Happy Thanksgiving! - Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving.
'Ello! Where are my porridge and my turkey leg? Dude, I don't know what to tell you.
- That's not my dish.
- That is your dish.
- No, it's not! - Yes, it-- I'm not washing that dish.
I don't care what you do, Wyclef! Dude, don't-- don't-- don't start with me, dude.
- What? What do you mean? - I-I-I just found out your name wasn't Maps.
- I thought it was Maps this whole time.
- Wh-wh-- Why would it be Maps? Who names themself after a thing? You don't wanna make me angry, dude, 'cause when I get angry, I get naked, and when I get naked, I fight.
Bottom line.
- Now I-- - Do you wanna go? No, I don't wanna fight you naked.
- You're making it real weird right now.
- I'm making it real weird? - All right, busta bust.
- Don't call me that.
Why don't you throw your hands where my eyes can see, which would be in the sink, doing my dishes? You think I'm supposed to do your dishes 'cause I'm black and I have dreads? No, you're supposed to do my dishes because you're black, - have dreads, and clearly-- - Ha! You just said they were your dishes! You said they were your dishes.
- You said they were your dishes.
- You got me.
- They're your dishes.
- You got me.
They are my dishes.
They are my dishes.
Bro, I got you.
I knew it! It's all right, dude.
You don't have to clean it up.
- Make someone else clean it up.
- Yeah.
Screw them, man.