Hart of Dixie s03e04 Episode Script
Help Me Make It Through the Night
Lemon Breeland, I hereby accuse you of behavior unbecoming a Belle.
- Interesting.
- I already know what you're gonna say.
Friends that treat friends like that aren't even friends at all.
Maybe.
I don't have any interest in being part of an organization that would ask me to remove gum from the sidewalk.
I remember every bad review.
You hated The Cicada's Lament.
- Well, surely you didn't hate the book.
- He gave it one star.
See, I wouldn't have been that harsh if I didn't really hate it.
I moved back here to be BlueBell's doctor.
I'm back in BlueBell, and I can't practice.
I am gonna hire somebody not a partner, somebody who could maybe work their way up.
You wouldn't know anybody who'd be interested in that position, would you? You ready to go again? Well, that was fun.
But I got to shower and get to work.
My kind of gal.
- Could I help you? - Yeah.
I heard my girlfriend left the Rammer Jammer last night with a guy named Wade Kinsella.
- You Wade Kinsella? - No, sir, I am not.
No, uh, no, Wade Kinsella hasn't lived here for years.
Yeah, well, if you see him - You tell him Randall's looking for him.
- Will do.
Best of luck to you, pal.
Dash? Oh, Dash? Where should I put the beakers with the green glop? Uh, I'll take them.
Thank you.
Now, remember, folks, my show starts properly at 7, tomorrow.
My monster does not take kindly to latecomers.
Oh, my God.
I have to send this to my friend Justin at the Paris Review.
He is going to flip out.
Also, we must go.
It's four hours long, the third act is in German, and Dash plays all the parts.
I'm camping out in line.
Hey.
There's A.
B.
and Lavon.
Let's go join them.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
Mm-mm.
Okay, look, I know that you and Lavon got off on the wrong foot, but It's really important for you to make friends here, and Lavon's the best.
Zoe, I know you love him, but the only thing that Lavon and I have in common is a mutual aversion.
You're wrong.
Together, we will bridge the athlete/mathlete divide.
Hey there.
Mind if Joel and I join you guys? Sorry, finishing up.
Sounds great! - Lavon! - Lavon! Look, Z, I-I'm sure your new Beau is amazing, but he and I have nothing in common.
You do, too me, your best friend.
And we will hang.
- Alone.
Call me.
- Uh So Roll Tide and I heading out to a poetry reading? Shut up.
And what is a hairy eyeball? It's that look you're giving Crickett right now.
What gives, Lemon? I quit the Belles, so she had me blacklisted.
From the Junior League Halloween Masquerade party.
That's a crime against humanity.
Listen, I have to get into that party, or I will have no hope of dating a decent man in this state.
Okay, fine.
I'm going you can be my plus-one.
Hey, you guys could go as that married couple that never got married.
What? That was funny.
Listen, George, this isn't a social event for me, okay? This is damage control.
I just think that walking in with my ex-fiancé just wouldn't send the right message.
Fair enough.
Well, then it looks to me that you only got one choice left.
Fine.
I'll keep my gag reflex in check, and I'll just go talk to Crickett.
No.
Calling your grandmother.
The Don Corleone of the Alabama social scene.
Are you out of your mind? Calling Grandma Bettie is like inviting a great white shark to your pool party.
Do you not remember the toast that she gave at our rehearsal dinner? Not the exact words, but I do remember about a dozen people bursting into tears.
Yes.
Which is why I'm gonna go do this.
Good luck.
Crickett, listen, I know that we've had our differences, but out of respect for our past, and the fact that karma is real, I was hoping you could get me back on the list for the Halloween Masquerade Ball.
Crickett? Did you hear me? I am so sorry, Lemon but in deference to my Belle sisters, I will not fall prey to your manipulation.
Are you reading that? Did Tara Jane tell you what to say in case I asked for help? Crickett Belinda Watts, I have been your friend since third grade, since before you were even pretty.
In deference to my Belle sisters, I will not pray Fall prey The answer is no! Oh, God - Ooh! Hey, you got to - Watch where you're going! got to signal before you turn like that.
Uh, okay, I'm I'm sorry.
I just got a flat up the road Okay, do I look like Triple-A? Hmm? I know what you're thinking.
What if she were Triple-A, right? - What can I do you for? - I got a sidewall flat down the road.
- Is there an auto shop nearby? - Yeah, what you're gonna do is I'll tell you what, I can do you one better, I'll take you there myself.
Oh.
Come on.
I'll drop you up the road.
We'll take my car.
So, I was thinking we might skip that show tomorrow night.
Of course! With Lynly visiting her parents, - we have your house to ourselves.
- Okay.
Not that I don't miss her terribly.
Now, you may not remember, but tomorrow night is the one-year anniversary of our first date.
The night that we pretended to be a couple? Oh, I don't consider that as Our anniversary! - It is! - Yeah.
And I have something special planned, just for the two of us.
Mmm, sounds romantic.
What are we doing? - I can't tell you; it's a surprise.
- At least give me a hint.
Okay, all I can tell you is that There will be champagne.
Mmm, I love the bubbly.
Oh, oh, and my homemade pumpkin pie.
- Oh! That's my favorite.
- And One other thing that I promise will make this a night you will remember forever.
So, you take care, now.
Oh, Dr.
Hart, how is that inventory checklist coming? and 43 lollipops.
Oh.
Actually, 42.
Hi, everybody! Oh, don't you just love Halloween? So full of surprises Yeah, 42 stomachaches and 16 allergic reactions, just last year.
Maybe the office should hand out Pepto-Bismol instead of candy tonight.
Or will that cut into the day-after business? Oh, thank you, Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, and, AnnaBeth, don't forget, you have your insurance physical today.
Oh, can Zoe do it? I have some girl things I really, really need to discuss with her.
Yes! A patient who needs a doctor who is me.
Well, fine.
Then, Dr.
Hart, you need to recount those tongue depressors.
So, it's your one-year anniversary of your first date and there's gonna be champagne and your favorite dessert and one other thing? He promised it would be a night I'd remember forever.
Oh, my God! Are you thinking the "one other thing" is what I'm thinking it is? I don't know, because I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, because we haven't been together that long, but out of curiosity, what are you thinking? Uh, that you're gonna have a super fun night, and maybe you should get a manicure.
So my hand looks beautiful in case Huh.
What? I just, I feel a growth on your ovary.
I-It's probably nothing, but I'm gonna send you to Mobile tomorrow for some tests.
Tests? Like multiple-choice tests, or, like, "I need to get my parents back from their retirement cruise and auction off my shoe collection" tests? Well, no, a growth can, um, signify a number of things.
You know, of which 90% are absolutely benign.
Like a cyst or a small fibroid.
But there's still a ten percent chance it could be Something else? Well, that's why I'm ordering the tests.
Hey, I'll go with you.
And we'll get that manicure on the way back.
Look, A.
B.
, I know it's hard, but try not to worry.
Right.
It'll be a piece of cake.
- Daddy! - Lemonade! Oh, you are so Handsome and sweet and understanding.
Oh, God, what do you need? Due to recent missteps not to be rehashed, my social life is at a code red, and the only way to fix it is to call on Grandma.
Absolutely not! Do I need to remind you of the one silver lining in the disaster that was your near-wedding day? But she was so humiliated, she's refused to set foot in BlueBell since.
And what a gloriously peaceful 18 months and, oh, 14 days it has been.
Well, see, the thing is, Daddy This was an emergency.
You already called her.
- Oh, Lordy, bring me the defibrillator.
- I'm sorry.
But maybe she has softened with age.
Rumor has it that you've rehired that carpetbaggin' she-doctor.
How is that a good decision? Mother! We are so happy to see you.
As you should be.
Last time I set foot in BlueBell, your daughter had been abandoned at the altar like a lame horse on derby day.
Now she can't even secure a simple party invitation.
Well, if you are speaking of the Halloween Masquerade, - those invitations are very hard - Bertram When it's your turn to speak, you will know.
I have heard your cry for help loud and clear.
In the nick of time, too there's only so much scandal that the Breeland name should be asked to endure.
Come, Lemon, if the Red Sea can be parted, perhaps we can resurrect your social standing from the dead.
Chop-chop.
Oh, you're so right she has softened with age.
Season 3, Episode 6 "Help Me Make It Through the Night" I scheduled a consult with Dr.
Blackwell.
He's gonna do an internal ultrasound and a blood test.
And we should be home in time for dinner.
Okay, so it's like a spa day, only a little more painful.
Thank you so much for coming with me.
- Of course.
- Hey, AnnaBeth.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Happy Halloween, Doc! Uh, excuse me.
I need to check my boyfriend for possible brain damage.
- I'll meet you at the car.
- Hey What-what are you doing? Oh, uh, we're taking a trip to a place known as Chickasaw to pick up dry ice for Dash's Frankenstein show tonight.
It's gonna be great.
- You should come.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll, uh, try not to make you feel like too much of a third wheel.
No, I'm pretty sure Chickasaw is on my list of places to never ever go.
And even if I wanted to, which I don't, I have to go to Mobile with a patient.
I thought AnnaBeth was a receptionist.
Is she okay? I can't talk about that.
Can I speak to you in private? What are you doing with him? What? You said it was important for me to make friends.
- I'm making friends.
- Yeah, but with Wade? Wade? Why? H-He's cool.
He's got a pickup truck.
I've never been in a pickup truck.
Sorry to interru lovebirds, but we're, uh we're losin' daylight.
And, what, the headlights on his pickup truck don't work? Hey.
I'll see you at the show tonight, all right? - You know, I might get a tattoo.
- Shut up.
Of a pickup truck.
What can you do? Your boyfriend recognizes cool.
Daddy, really? Scotch for breakfast? It is the only way.
She is a monster.
Listen, I agree, but drinkin' is not the answer.
There you are! Lemon, where have you been? I called you over an hour ago.
What did you come by, horse and buggy? Bertram, are you drinking liquor for breakfast? Of course not.
That was left out from last night.
Mm-hmm.
Well, luckily for you, Lemon, I snapped my fingers, and not only do you have an invitation to the party, but the eligible Mr.
Tanner Hughes is your date.
Thank you, Grandma.
You are a miracle worker.
I hope so.
'Cause it's gonna take a miracle to fix your hair before Tanner picks you up.
Now let's go see if Susie can raise her game.
Oh, and just because I'm focused on the Titanic which is your daughter's life, does not mean that I have forgotten about the Hindenburg which is yours.
Mother, I am so pleased you have not lost your propensity for exaggeration and hyperbole.
Mm-hmm.
- You're right.
It's the only way.
- Yeah The only way.
The good news is, it's definitely not a tumor.
I realize how that sounds like you just won the world's worst game show.
What about all the other things the gynecologist hasn't ruled out yet? Zoe I've always wanted to have children.
Wh-What if I can't? Dr.
Blackwell said the chances of infertility are very small.
We'll know more tomorrow.
If I were you, I just - I wouldn't think about it until then.
- Really? Would you be able to stop thinking about it? No, but I am significantly more neurotic than you.
Oh, not today.
The weight of not knowing is consuming me.
I can't let Lavon propose tonight, not with this huge unknown hanging over my head.
Oh, crab on a cracker.
What if we get him to put it off? We'll say you're sick.
I'll write a note.
We'll say it's something very contagious, like-like pinkeye.
Ooh, or bird flu! Yeah, let's not render me totally unappealing.
Right.
How 'bout this.
Do you know how Lavon loves Beyoncé? Well, she is playing in New Orleans.
What would you say if I got my mom to score you two tickets for tonight? - I'd say you'd be saving my life.
- Right? They don't even teach this stuff in medical school.
Huh.
Rise and shine, Frankenstein.
- Hey-o.
- Oh.
Wade, a guy came by looking for you.
- I think his name was Randall.
- Randall.
I told him you'd be working the bar later during Dash's show.
You're welcome! Hey, Tucker, you still looking for a plus-one to that invitation-only, exclusive Halloween Masquera party in Mobile tonight? Uh no offense, Wade, but I'm not looking to be set up right now.
But, Tucker, you can't say no to this person.
Why? Who is she? She's a me.
Well? What do you think? Oh, I do believe we bought you another year on the block.
Oh.
Watch the flyaways, honey.
Oh.
Oh.
That must be Tanner.
Grandma, I just want to let you know how much I appreciate everything that you've done for me.
And should Tanner and I marry, we will name our beautiful and perfect children after you.
I should hope so.
And I want you to know I spent a good deal of my valuable capital selling Tanner on you, so don't mess this up.
Now, where are those beautiful Breeland ladies? Oh, Tanner Hughes, meet my lovely granddaughter, Lemon.
Lemon, my goodness, what a vision.
- Oh, likewise.
- Grandma Breeland, you did not lie.
She is a thoroughbred.
I'm sorry, what? Oh, I hope you are not offended by my equine terminology.
I consider horses more evolved than most people, so that was a compliment.
Are you ready for the night of your life? - Am I ever - Mmm.
See y'all at the party.
And, Lemon You're welcome.
Hot women in masks.
Why not just call the party that? They should put you on the event committee.
Yeah, they should.
Oh, uh, Judge Perkins.
- Hey, how are you? - Well, George Tucker, I thought you traded in your bar membership for the life of a debauched country star.
No, I assure you that was only a vacation.
And I can assure you of that, Your Honor.
It is - Nice to see you! - Hey, I'm gonna take a few laps, Uh, check out the talent.
Okay, well, try and stay out of trouble.
- Hey.
Save a slow dance for me, Tucker.
- Will do.
I can't believe Lemon secured both an invite and Tanner Hughes.
Bett Breeland is like the president But with power.
So, the very best thing about owning your own plane? Owning your own plane.
Call me.
Okay.
You know, I think I could use another glass of Chardonnay.
- You don't want another Chardonnay.
- Oh, I think I do.
Uh Uh, a glass of the 2007 Pinot gris for the lovely lady.
Trust me, that Chardonnay that you're drinking is dreck.
White wine is not supposed to hit the side.
Let me show you.
- Hey, honey! - Wh Uh, you're early.
I-I wanted everything to be perfect before you got here.
Well, stop right there.
'Cause guess what I just got my hands on.
Beyoncé! Tonight! So maybe your surprise can wait till tomorrow? Wow, Beyoncé? It's hard to pass on the Queen B It's not hard; it's impossible.
Come on.
Let's go! But my surprise can't wait.
Another time, Sasha Fierce.
So, I'll, um I'll pour you some champagne while I finish up.
Okay.
As I now throw the switch, the monster shall live! It's alive! It's alive! Ooh! This is history's greatest theatrical performance.
They doubted me! They said it couldn't be done, but I did it! - Why do you keep looking over at the bar? - Oh, I'm looking for Wade.
If it's okay, we're gonna grab a beer after the show.
What? No, it's not okay.
Well, it was a rhetorical question.
I wasn't asking permission.
Just trust me, you don't want to be friends with Wade.
I dated him I should know.
H-He's irresponsible, annoying and he probably has an agenda.
What do you think we're gonna do, repeal Obamacare? - Invade Cuba? It's just a beer.
- Hey, lovebirds, pipe down.
- We're trying to watch the show.
- I apologize.
We won't bother you again.
Sorry.
- Shh.
- A dead man's brain inside of a body I created! Now alive or dead! What's ringing? Why is my monster ringing? Whoops! I'm on call.
Don't give me any dirty looks 'cause any of you could be next.
- Just go, just go.
- Okay.
AnnaBeth? He doesn't want to go to Beyoncé.
Oh, there's a beautiful table set with flowers and a projector.
I think he's going to show our love in movie form before the proposal.
It's so romantic.
It's terrible.
Okay, um, I'm on my way.
Just-just stall him.
Hey.
Medical emergency.
We have to go.
I need your help.
Some people just ain't fit for the theater.
Sorry.
You guys know a guy named Wade Kinsella? Uh, apparently I'm not allowed.
Bert! There you are.
Mother, you s you scared the hell out of me.
Tell me, son, how's the social life? Found another woman half your age in your impressive campaign to treat the family name like a spaniel would a rhododendron? Grandma, is it possible that there is another Tanner Hughes out there? Because the one that you set me up with is an insufferable tool.
Well, of course he is, dear.
He comes from a long and distinguished line of insufferable tools.
- Well, then why would you - No, no, wrong question.
Why did you show far too much affection for a creature named Meatball and then walk away from the Belles? Mother, come on now.
You put the claws back in.
Pretend you're a tree and count your rings, dear heart.
That tool may be the last one in the box.
Now, on to the subject of the wayward Magnolia Excuse me.
Uh, George Tucker! Mother, you remember your almost-grandson-in-law George Tucker who abandoned Lemon at the altar.
Y'all probably want to catch up.
I'm sorry, son.
Survival.
Between you and me, I'm crashing this party.
It is kind of boring.
Truly wish there was some way for you and me to shake things up a bit.
- Oh, I'd say you're doing just fine.
- Who? Me? Now, what about your current living quarters? A boat? What your weekend place gonna be, an inner tube? I tell you, they had such high hopes for you.
Oh.
Hey.
Mrs.
Breeland, you remember Crickett, right? The one that drove Lemon from the Belles and blacklisted her from this party? Enjoy yourself.
So then he started crying, and he said, "Oh, I'm two years from retirement.
Please don't fire me.
" I said, "You are 67 years old.
" Chardonnay? Take it.
At least you'll get to enjoy one thing tonight.
Why do I feel like I know you? 'Cause we met yesterday in BlueBell at a bar called the Rammer Jammer? Oh, yeah, you're the flat tire guy.
Yeah, usually I go by Peter, but, you know, "flat tire guy" has a nice ring to it.
I'm Lemon Breeland.
Why are you being so nice to me? You're not gonna hand me a subpoena or something, are you? Look, I've had my fair share of disastrous first dates, so, no, no subpoenas.
I'm just passing through town, I got a flat tire, I missed my flight.
Boss says, "Hey, there's this huge party tonight.
" Next thing, I have a mask, and a chance to talk to a Lemon! Lemon, Alaskan crab cakes! Come! A woman on a date with an insufferable tool.
Wow! But, hey, at least he's got a plane, right? Yeah, and he gets little balls of foam in the corner of his mouth when he talks about it, too.
Hey, I tell you what.
Why don't you tell him that in the last month, the resale price of the Lear jets have gone down dramatically, and that they say it is now the second worst investment in the world.
- Is that true? - I don't know.
It sounds true, though, doesn't it? Lemon? Lemon! Come! Come, come, come, come! Come on, now! Trick or treat! Zoe, Joel, what are you doing here? I thought there was a medical emergency.
Oh, there is.
I have an acute case of anxiety because my best friend and my boyfriend refuse to be friends.
I'm not leaving until we fix this once and for all.
Uh Where's my damn alligator when you need him? Your thing about the airplanes totally threw him for a loop.
He's on a phone call right now with his jet broker.
Does present a little bit of a pickle, 'cause I'm not flying commercial.
This is the most fun I've had all night.
Here, give me some more stuff to torture him with.
Okay.
Um, let's see.
How about Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, tell him about the new intestinal parasites that they just found in French wines.
Or, no, even better.
Tell him about the study that said that men that don't wear socks What am I paying you for, huh? tend to be impotent by the age of 40.
Or you know what? Here's one.
Why don't you tell him that you're leaving with the man that you met at the bar that you already like No, no, I can't I can't leave.
My grandma would kill me.
I think I could take her.
Let's slip out the back.
I can't believe they just barged in here like this.
Whoa, Whoa! What are you doing? I was going to offer our guests some pie.
Mm-mm.
Guests are people you invite over, not people who show up on your special night unannounced.
These are home invaders.
They can get their pie to go.
I thought Halloween in New York was crazy, but this is crazy.
This is beyond, beyond, beyond crazy.
I realize that it's not one of my five best moments in life, but How is it not okay for me to grab a beer with Wade, yet it's perfectly fine for you to drag me here under the guise of a medical emergency - to hang out with Lavon?! - That is an excellent question.
One that I can't answer in a way that puts me in a good light.
Look, okay, I realize that I overstepped.
I can't explain, but I can promise that it was for a good reason.
Joel, would you like some pie? - Yeah, all right.
- Oh, great.
Go ahead, sit down.
Thank you for coming, but this is obviously useless.
I mean, Joel is irritated, and what's to stop Lavon from proposing as soon as you leave? A.
B.
, you underestimate the powers of a Johns Hopkins education.
Everybody, think of 40 names and put them in a jar.
We are playing Celebrity! - That's 160 names.
- That'll take forever.
We are playing Celebrity! We are playing Celebrity, and no one's leaving until we have fun! I'll make us some drinks.
So, I had a list made of the 20 most eligible bachelors in Alabama.
I dated seven of them.
Uh, two of them were unbearable, four of them vanished as soon as they heard that I ran a bar.
And, oh, one of them proposed to me before we even ordered our entrees, and then cried in his French onion soup when I refused.
My reputation took a hit.
Oh, another hit.
It already had suffered when I got left at the altar for having an affair with the mayor.
Wow.
You know, for a sleepy little town, BlueBell's got a lot going on.
I think I'm still trying to prove to everyone that I can succeed on my own two feet.
Which is why I had Grandma arrange a date with Tanner Hughes.
- Oh.
- And his foamy mouth.
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
You must think that I'm a snob.
You know what? You're right, I probably am.
Well, I don't even like listening to me right now.
Well, I do.
And besides, I don't think a snob would run that amazing establishment that I met you at yesterday.
I mean, the Rammer Jammer.
But, hey, you know what I really did like about that place? The jukebox.
The way the music was organized.
It wasn't by, like, song title or singer or genre.
It was like someone organized it by emotion.
That was me.
I did that last week.
Break-up songs, I-miss-you songs, I-want-you songs, I-hate-you songs, dance-with-me songs, I-need-a-drink songs.
That's pretty much every song worth listening to.
That's not a snob's jukebox.
Well, you're nice.
Hey, you want to grab a drink? Yes.
As long as it's not Pinot gris.
Hey, Judge Perkins.
Everything okay? I've been trying to leave this place for 45 minutes, and it seems that I've misplaced my wife.
Have you seen her? Um, I have not, actually.
Uh, yes, I have.
I have seen her.
I saw her.
She was in the garden, which is out back.
Oh, Lord, I'm gonna have to pin one of them GPS thingamabobs on her.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you should do that.
You should Oh! - Okay, Casanova, it's time to go.
- Oh, what's the rush? - I was just getting my trick-or-treat on.
- Yeah, with Judge Perkins' wife! She's married to that old geezer? No wonder she was looking for a little sidebar action.
Go! Bertram, there you are.
And this time, you're not escaping.
- We must discuss your - Excuse me.
I am sorry to interrupt, but Mrs.
Breeland, would you check to see if Lemon is okay in the ladies' room? She said she had a cinder in her eye almost an hour ago.
I haven't seen her since.
I'm gonna go check the garden again.
Well, I'm sure that No one's had a cinder in their eye since Atlanta burned.
Your daughter walked out on her date.
Find her.
So, if your car hadn't have broken down in Mobile and you wouldn't have gone to the party, where would you be right now? I would be on a flight to Scotland.
- Scotland? - Yeah.
Really? What, a bagpipe convention? Or a-a haggis-eating contest.
You know, sadly, you're not too far off.
So, I'm a news producer, and we're covering the vandalizing of a beloved statue in Glasgow.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
I do a lot of cutting-edge journalism like that.
Yeah, well, at least you get to travel.
Which is the best part of the job.
I'm not one to stay in any place too long.
Is it because your work makes you happy? Yeah, happy enough.
- What about you? - Oh, no.
No, you've already heard more about me than I'd ever imagine telling a perfect stranger, so Oh, see, that's what makes it fun.
So, come on.
If you could do anything in the world, what would it be? Um I like being a business owner.
Although, I spend way too much time sorting fish than I'd like.
I still think that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
- Is that crazy? - No.
That's endearing.
Okay.
Um, hmm.
Oh, uh, this lady she might be on a reality TV show Sonia Sotomayor.
Joel, I don't think the Supreme Court justice is on a reality TV show! He didn't mean I didn't mean to imply that you thought she was on - I'm not that dumb! - I didn't say you were dumb.
- Nuh-uh.
- It's just, you know, sometimes, in the heat of competition, you know, you mix people up.
- Yes.
- You know, like Henry Hill and Harold Hill.
- Goodfellas, Music Man.
- It's a very common mistake.
And time's up! Okay, our turn.
- Zoe, go.
- Okay.
Let's go.
- All right, all right.
- I didn't I'm sorry.
Reality TV show, Supreme Court justice? Yeah, it means Okay.
- A.
B.
, I'm ready.
- Okay.
All right, it's a Greek word.
It could be a yogurt.
Acidophilus? Agamemnon? Yoplait? Daenerys from Game of Thrones! - It is A.
B.
's turn to guess! - Are you a Game of Thrones fan? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Oh, he's obsessed! He's seen every episode, read every book.
Joel loves that, too! Lavon, didn't you say you that you had a signed edition of the first book? - Really? Can I see it? - Yeah, sure.
- It's wrapped, you can't touch the cover.
- Well, goes without saying.
Okay.
Oh, finally some trick-or-treaters.
Who wants to help me hand out cavities? Come on, Kendall, don't be shy, say "Trick or treat.
" Trick or treat.
Oh, my, she's She's so Oh.
I'm sorry, she just gets a little emotional around candy.
Happy Halloween.
Bye.
A.
B.
, you okay? Wh-What just happened here? I-I'm not sure.
Uh, yeah, yeah, it was, uh, it was me.
- I, um kind of insulted AnnaBeth.
- What? What'd you say? Uh, well, you know, I may I may have accidentally, um, implied that she had, uh, big feet.
I'm so sorry, man.
I have horrible impulse control, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! I definitely think I'm growing on him.
Here's your house, Wade.
Did you fall down, Wade? Did you did you hit your head? Are-are you seeing things? For the millionth time, Tucker, all right, I didn't know it was Judge Perkins' wife.
Well, you knew she was somebody's wife.
You had to see the big honking ring right on her finger! Oh, crap.
- That is a large gentleman.
- Yes, it is.
You're Wade Kinsella! - Now drive.
- Oh, oh.
Hey.
I'm sorry I dragged you and Joel into this.
Are you okay? I have dreamed of Lavon proposing since the first time he kissed me, and I've dreamed how I'd say yes and how I'd cry and how I would tell him I can't wait to be his wife and have 19 babies with him.
I mean, what if I can't? You two will figure it out.
I want babies, Zoe, with Lavon, big football- playing babies.
I know.
I want that for you, too, a whole team of 'em.
I really don't want to have to hurt Joel, so, Zoe, can you please take him home? Maybe AnnaBeth and I can salvage what's left of this crazy night.
Actually, uh, my head is feeling like it's busting open, so I'm going to have Zoe ta me home, too.
- Um we'll talk tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- You lost him.
- Damn right I did! 'Cause I didn't want to get my brains smashed in next to your stupid moron brains! Seriously, Wade, what the hell is wrong with you, man? What? Waiting for you to slow-dance with me, - I started getting lonely.
- Wade, seriously What's wrong with you? I mean, you're-you're sleeping with married women.
You're sleeping with girls who got boyfriends the size of refrigerators.
It's not my finest two days, I will admit.
You know what I think it is, man? I think you are getting with every unavailable woman you can because the one unavailable girl you want, you can't have.
Oh, wow, that is that is deep, Dr.
Freud, but y-you're wrong so, so wrong.
So let's go 'cause I'm sleeping at your place tonight.
I should make you sleep in the truck.
That's what I should do.
This is me.
You know, it's not as crummy as it looks.
They have a breakfast buffet.
- I had a wonderful night.
- Yeah, me, too.
So, um, do you have any plans to be near BlueBell any time soon? It's hard to say.
Let's see, after Glasgow, Vancouver, then Naples sadly Italy.
I mean, if it was Florida, I would swing by here in a heartbeat.
Well I guess it's good-bye.
I got to admit that, uh, for the first time in a long while, I I wish I could stay at a crummy hotel longer.
You know, their breakfast buffet claims to have the best grits in Alabama.
- You, uh you like grits? - Is that an invitation? IS A FRESH FEAST OF FLAVOR.
Breakfast buffet.
I actually wanted to leave a note, too.
Uh I just I-I didn't know what to write and then I, uh, I eventually just told mylf, you know, hey, a breakfast, uh, is worth a thousand words, so Aren't you gonna miss your flight? Eh, Europe's been there for a while.
It can wait a couple more hours for me.
Okay, yeah, thank you, thank you so much.
So? It's a small cyst on your ovary totally common and totally treatable.
You're fine and ready to have - running backs, quarterbacks.
- Yay! A pitcher! Who cares?! There you are.
Two creams, no sugar.
Still no word, huh? At this point, the best we can hope for is that Lemon's fallen down a well.
- Now, Mother, Lemon - Hello.
Morning, Daddy.
- Hey.
- Grandma.
Is that all you can say? No.
Also this.
Thank you.
I just had the most wonderful night.
And it was exactly, exactly what I needed, and it's all because of you.
Well who's hungry? Thank you for helping with the A.
B.
situation last night.
- I owe you.
- You do, and - Thanks.
- Thank you.
Maybe you could start by letting me choose my own friends? Okay.
Wade, though? I mean, does it have to be Wade? And this is what I mean.
Oh, hey, Wade.
Kendra, hey.
So, Randall had to go visit his mama.
Want to come over tonight? Uh Yeah no.
You know, I kind of like having my teeth, so thanks for the offer.
Hey, pal, I'm, uh, I'm heading down to Pascagoula to pick up some meat.
- You want to come? - Pascagoula? See, it sounds made up and yet I know it's real.
- Yeah, what could be better? - All right.
- You guys, you know, have fun.
- All right.
Anyways, I'm sorry I got so upset last night.
It had nothing to do with Joel.
I was going through something personal.
- Are you okay? - I am.
Very.
Very, very, very okay.
So I was thinking maybe you could do your special surprise tonight, and then, after, we can celebrate my okayness.
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm sorry, but the special surprise is off.
What? How can it be on one night and then off? Why? Y-You can't show Night of the Living Dead in November.
What? - That was your special surprise? - Yeah, got you, right? See, you don't think I pay attention, but I remember you saying how you'd never seen a horror movie before, so I rented the original film version and I set it up with a projector upstairs on a big Uh-huh.
Zoe! You know what Lavon's special surprise was last night? That we'd watch Night of the Living Dead.
On a big 20-foot screen.
That was what was gonna be the night that she was gonna remember forever? Oh, it's an excellent movie; and it'd be killer on a 20-foot screen.
Yeah.
Men! - Can you believe that? - Night of the Living Dead.
Do you have any idea what just happened here? No clue.
Hey, Shakespeare, you ready to go? Oh, hey, uh, Lavon, Wade and I are, uh, road-tripping up to a place called Pascagoula.
You want to come? Might stop at an old fishing hole, dig for crawdads.
- That's not how you get crawdads.
- Well, sometimes.
Hell yeah.
Count me in.
Let's hit it.
All right
- Interesting.
- I already know what you're gonna say.
Friends that treat friends like that aren't even friends at all.
Maybe.
I don't have any interest in being part of an organization that would ask me to remove gum from the sidewalk.
I remember every bad review.
You hated The Cicada's Lament.
- Well, surely you didn't hate the book.
- He gave it one star.
See, I wouldn't have been that harsh if I didn't really hate it.
I moved back here to be BlueBell's doctor.
I'm back in BlueBell, and I can't practice.
I am gonna hire somebody not a partner, somebody who could maybe work their way up.
You wouldn't know anybody who'd be interested in that position, would you? You ready to go again? Well, that was fun.
But I got to shower and get to work.
My kind of gal.
- Could I help you? - Yeah.
I heard my girlfriend left the Rammer Jammer last night with a guy named Wade Kinsella.
- You Wade Kinsella? - No, sir, I am not.
No, uh, no, Wade Kinsella hasn't lived here for years.
Yeah, well, if you see him - You tell him Randall's looking for him.
- Will do.
Best of luck to you, pal.
Dash? Oh, Dash? Where should I put the beakers with the green glop? Uh, I'll take them.
Thank you.
Now, remember, folks, my show starts properly at 7, tomorrow.
My monster does not take kindly to latecomers.
Oh, my God.
I have to send this to my friend Justin at the Paris Review.
He is going to flip out.
Also, we must go.
It's four hours long, the third act is in German, and Dash plays all the parts.
I'm camping out in line.
Hey.
There's A.
B.
and Lavon.
Let's go join them.
Wait, no, no, no, no, no.
Mm-mm.
Okay, look, I know that you and Lavon got off on the wrong foot, but It's really important for you to make friends here, and Lavon's the best.
Zoe, I know you love him, but the only thing that Lavon and I have in common is a mutual aversion.
You're wrong.
Together, we will bridge the athlete/mathlete divide.
Hey there.
Mind if Joel and I join you guys? Sorry, finishing up.
Sounds great! - Lavon! - Lavon! Look, Z, I-I'm sure your new Beau is amazing, but he and I have nothing in common.
You do, too me, your best friend.
And we will hang.
- Alone.
Call me.
- Uh So Roll Tide and I heading out to a poetry reading? Shut up.
And what is a hairy eyeball? It's that look you're giving Crickett right now.
What gives, Lemon? I quit the Belles, so she had me blacklisted.
From the Junior League Halloween Masquerade party.
That's a crime against humanity.
Listen, I have to get into that party, or I will have no hope of dating a decent man in this state.
Okay, fine.
I'm going you can be my plus-one.
Hey, you guys could go as that married couple that never got married.
What? That was funny.
Listen, George, this isn't a social event for me, okay? This is damage control.
I just think that walking in with my ex-fiancé just wouldn't send the right message.
Fair enough.
Well, then it looks to me that you only got one choice left.
Fine.
I'll keep my gag reflex in check, and I'll just go talk to Crickett.
No.
Calling your grandmother.
The Don Corleone of the Alabama social scene.
Are you out of your mind? Calling Grandma Bettie is like inviting a great white shark to your pool party.
Do you not remember the toast that she gave at our rehearsal dinner? Not the exact words, but I do remember about a dozen people bursting into tears.
Yes.
Which is why I'm gonna go do this.
Good luck.
Crickett, listen, I know that we've had our differences, but out of respect for our past, and the fact that karma is real, I was hoping you could get me back on the list for the Halloween Masquerade Ball.
Crickett? Did you hear me? I am so sorry, Lemon but in deference to my Belle sisters, I will not fall prey to your manipulation.
Are you reading that? Did Tara Jane tell you what to say in case I asked for help? Crickett Belinda Watts, I have been your friend since third grade, since before you were even pretty.
In deference to my Belle sisters, I will not pray Fall prey The answer is no! Oh, God - Ooh! Hey, you got to - Watch where you're going! got to signal before you turn like that.
Uh, okay, I'm I'm sorry.
I just got a flat up the road Okay, do I look like Triple-A? Hmm? I know what you're thinking.
What if she were Triple-A, right? - What can I do you for? - I got a sidewall flat down the road.
- Is there an auto shop nearby? - Yeah, what you're gonna do is I'll tell you what, I can do you one better, I'll take you there myself.
Oh.
Come on.
I'll drop you up the road.
We'll take my car.
So, I was thinking we might skip that show tomorrow night.
Of course! With Lynly visiting her parents, - we have your house to ourselves.
- Okay.
Not that I don't miss her terribly.
Now, you may not remember, but tomorrow night is the one-year anniversary of our first date.
The night that we pretended to be a couple? Oh, I don't consider that as Our anniversary! - It is! - Yeah.
And I have something special planned, just for the two of us.
Mmm, sounds romantic.
What are we doing? - I can't tell you; it's a surprise.
- At least give me a hint.
Okay, all I can tell you is that There will be champagne.
Mmm, I love the bubbly.
Oh, oh, and my homemade pumpkin pie.
- Oh! That's my favorite.
- And One other thing that I promise will make this a night you will remember forever.
So, you take care, now.
Oh, Dr.
Hart, how is that inventory checklist coming? and 43 lollipops.
Oh.
Actually, 42.
Hi, everybody! Oh, don't you just love Halloween? So full of surprises Yeah, 42 stomachaches and 16 allergic reactions, just last year.
Maybe the office should hand out Pepto-Bismol instead of candy tonight.
Or will that cut into the day-after business? Oh, thank you, Jerry Seinfeld.
Oh, and, AnnaBeth, don't forget, you have your insurance physical today.
Oh, can Zoe do it? I have some girl things I really, really need to discuss with her.
Yes! A patient who needs a doctor who is me.
Well, fine.
Then, Dr.
Hart, you need to recount those tongue depressors.
So, it's your one-year anniversary of your first date and there's gonna be champagne and your favorite dessert and one other thing? He promised it would be a night I'd remember forever.
Oh, my God! Are you thinking the "one other thing" is what I'm thinking it is? I don't know, because I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, because we haven't been together that long, but out of curiosity, what are you thinking? Uh, that you're gonna have a super fun night, and maybe you should get a manicure.
So my hand looks beautiful in case Huh.
What? I just, I feel a growth on your ovary.
I-It's probably nothing, but I'm gonna send you to Mobile tomorrow for some tests.
Tests? Like multiple-choice tests, or, like, "I need to get my parents back from their retirement cruise and auction off my shoe collection" tests? Well, no, a growth can, um, signify a number of things.
You know, of which 90% are absolutely benign.
Like a cyst or a small fibroid.
But there's still a ten percent chance it could be Something else? Well, that's why I'm ordering the tests.
Hey, I'll go with you.
And we'll get that manicure on the way back.
Look, A.
B.
, I know it's hard, but try not to worry.
Right.
It'll be a piece of cake.
- Daddy! - Lemonade! Oh, you are so Handsome and sweet and understanding.
Oh, God, what do you need? Due to recent missteps not to be rehashed, my social life is at a code red, and the only way to fix it is to call on Grandma.
Absolutely not! Do I need to remind you of the one silver lining in the disaster that was your near-wedding day? But she was so humiliated, she's refused to set foot in BlueBell since.
And what a gloriously peaceful 18 months and, oh, 14 days it has been.
Well, see, the thing is, Daddy This was an emergency.
You already called her.
- Oh, Lordy, bring me the defibrillator.
- I'm sorry.
But maybe she has softened with age.
Rumor has it that you've rehired that carpetbaggin' she-doctor.
How is that a good decision? Mother! We are so happy to see you.
As you should be.
Last time I set foot in BlueBell, your daughter had been abandoned at the altar like a lame horse on derby day.
Now she can't even secure a simple party invitation.
Well, if you are speaking of the Halloween Masquerade, - those invitations are very hard - Bertram When it's your turn to speak, you will know.
I have heard your cry for help loud and clear.
In the nick of time, too there's only so much scandal that the Breeland name should be asked to endure.
Come, Lemon, if the Red Sea can be parted, perhaps we can resurrect your social standing from the dead.
Chop-chop.
Oh, you're so right she has softened with age.
Season 3, Episode 6 "Help Me Make It Through the Night" I scheduled a consult with Dr.
Blackwell.
He's gonna do an internal ultrasound and a blood test.
And we should be home in time for dinner.
Okay, so it's like a spa day, only a little more painful.
Thank you so much for coming with me.
- Of course.
- Hey, AnnaBeth.
Hey, babe.
Hey.
Happy Halloween, Doc! Uh, excuse me.
I need to check my boyfriend for possible brain damage.
- I'll meet you at the car.
- Hey What-what are you doing? Oh, uh, we're taking a trip to a place known as Chickasaw to pick up dry ice for Dash's Frankenstein show tonight.
It's gonna be great.
- You should come.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We'll, uh, try not to make you feel like too much of a third wheel.
No, I'm pretty sure Chickasaw is on my list of places to never ever go.
And even if I wanted to, which I don't, I have to go to Mobile with a patient.
I thought AnnaBeth was a receptionist.
Is she okay? I can't talk about that.
Can I speak to you in private? What are you doing with him? What? You said it was important for me to make friends.
- I'm making friends.
- Yeah, but with Wade? Wade? Why? H-He's cool.
He's got a pickup truck.
I've never been in a pickup truck.
Sorry to interru lovebirds, but we're, uh we're losin' daylight.
And, what, the headlights on his pickup truck don't work? Hey.
I'll see you at the show tonight, all right? - You know, I might get a tattoo.
- Shut up.
Of a pickup truck.
What can you do? Your boyfriend recognizes cool.
Daddy, really? Scotch for breakfast? It is the only way.
She is a monster.
Listen, I agree, but drinkin' is not the answer.
There you are! Lemon, where have you been? I called you over an hour ago.
What did you come by, horse and buggy? Bertram, are you drinking liquor for breakfast? Of course not.
That was left out from last night.
Mm-hmm.
Well, luckily for you, Lemon, I snapped my fingers, and not only do you have an invitation to the party, but the eligible Mr.
Tanner Hughes is your date.
Thank you, Grandma.
You are a miracle worker.
I hope so.
'Cause it's gonna take a miracle to fix your hair before Tanner picks you up.
Now let's go see if Susie can raise her game.
Oh, and just because I'm focused on the Titanic which is your daughter's life, does not mean that I have forgotten about the Hindenburg which is yours.
Mother, I am so pleased you have not lost your propensity for exaggeration and hyperbole.
Mm-hmm.
- You're right.
It's the only way.
- Yeah The only way.
The good news is, it's definitely not a tumor.
I realize how that sounds like you just won the world's worst game show.
What about all the other things the gynecologist hasn't ruled out yet? Zoe I've always wanted to have children.
Wh-What if I can't? Dr.
Blackwell said the chances of infertility are very small.
We'll know more tomorrow.
If I were you, I just - I wouldn't think about it until then.
- Really? Would you be able to stop thinking about it? No, but I am significantly more neurotic than you.
Oh, not today.
The weight of not knowing is consuming me.
I can't let Lavon propose tonight, not with this huge unknown hanging over my head.
Oh, crab on a cracker.
What if we get him to put it off? We'll say you're sick.
I'll write a note.
We'll say it's something very contagious, like-like pinkeye.
Ooh, or bird flu! Yeah, let's not render me totally unappealing.
Right.
How 'bout this.
Do you know how Lavon loves Beyoncé? Well, she is playing in New Orleans.
What would you say if I got my mom to score you two tickets for tonight? - I'd say you'd be saving my life.
- Right? They don't even teach this stuff in medical school.
Huh.
Rise and shine, Frankenstein.
- Hey-o.
- Oh.
Wade, a guy came by looking for you.
- I think his name was Randall.
- Randall.
I told him you'd be working the bar later during Dash's show.
You're welcome! Hey, Tucker, you still looking for a plus-one to that invitation-only, exclusive Halloween Masquera party in Mobile tonight? Uh no offense, Wade, but I'm not looking to be set up right now.
But, Tucker, you can't say no to this person.
Why? Who is she? She's a me.
Well? What do you think? Oh, I do believe we bought you another year on the block.
Oh.
Watch the flyaways, honey.
Oh.
Oh.
That must be Tanner.
Grandma, I just want to let you know how much I appreciate everything that you've done for me.
And should Tanner and I marry, we will name our beautiful and perfect children after you.
I should hope so.
And I want you to know I spent a good deal of my valuable capital selling Tanner on you, so don't mess this up.
Now, where are those beautiful Breeland ladies? Oh, Tanner Hughes, meet my lovely granddaughter, Lemon.
Lemon, my goodness, what a vision.
- Oh, likewise.
- Grandma Breeland, you did not lie.
She is a thoroughbred.
I'm sorry, what? Oh, I hope you are not offended by my equine terminology.
I consider horses more evolved than most people, so that was a compliment.
Are you ready for the night of your life? - Am I ever - Mmm.
See y'all at the party.
And, Lemon You're welcome.
Hot women in masks.
Why not just call the party that? They should put you on the event committee.
Yeah, they should.
Oh, uh, Judge Perkins.
- Hey, how are you? - Well, George Tucker, I thought you traded in your bar membership for the life of a debauched country star.
No, I assure you that was only a vacation.
And I can assure you of that, Your Honor.
It is - Nice to see you! - Hey, I'm gonna take a few laps, Uh, check out the talent.
Okay, well, try and stay out of trouble.
- Hey.
Save a slow dance for me, Tucker.
- Will do.
I can't believe Lemon secured both an invite and Tanner Hughes.
Bett Breeland is like the president But with power.
So, the very best thing about owning your own plane? Owning your own plane.
Call me.
Okay.
You know, I think I could use another glass of Chardonnay.
- You don't want another Chardonnay.
- Oh, I think I do.
Uh Uh, a glass of the 2007 Pinot gris for the lovely lady.
Trust me, that Chardonnay that you're drinking is dreck.
White wine is not supposed to hit the side.
Let me show you.
- Hey, honey! - Wh Uh, you're early.
I-I wanted everything to be perfect before you got here.
Well, stop right there.
'Cause guess what I just got my hands on.
Beyoncé! Tonight! So maybe your surprise can wait till tomorrow? Wow, Beyoncé? It's hard to pass on the Queen B It's not hard; it's impossible.
Come on.
Let's go! But my surprise can't wait.
Another time, Sasha Fierce.
So, I'll, um I'll pour you some champagne while I finish up.
Okay.
As I now throw the switch, the monster shall live! It's alive! It's alive! Ooh! This is history's greatest theatrical performance.
They doubted me! They said it couldn't be done, but I did it! - Why do you keep looking over at the bar? - Oh, I'm looking for Wade.
If it's okay, we're gonna grab a beer after the show.
What? No, it's not okay.
Well, it was a rhetorical question.
I wasn't asking permission.
Just trust me, you don't want to be friends with Wade.
I dated him I should know.
H-He's irresponsible, annoying and he probably has an agenda.
What do you think we're gonna do, repeal Obamacare? - Invade Cuba? It's just a beer.
- Hey, lovebirds, pipe down.
- We're trying to watch the show.
- I apologize.
We won't bother you again.
Sorry.
- Shh.
- A dead man's brain inside of a body I created! Now alive or dead! What's ringing? Why is my monster ringing? Whoops! I'm on call.
Don't give me any dirty looks 'cause any of you could be next.
- Just go, just go.
- Okay.
AnnaBeth? He doesn't want to go to Beyoncé.
Oh, there's a beautiful table set with flowers and a projector.
I think he's going to show our love in movie form before the proposal.
It's so romantic.
It's terrible.
Okay, um, I'm on my way.
Just-just stall him.
Hey.
Medical emergency.
We have to go.
I need your help.
Some people just ain't fit for the theater.
Sorry.
You guys know a guy named Wade Kinsella? Uh, apparently I'm not allowed.
Bert! There you are.
Mother, you s you scared the hell out of me.
Tell me, son, how's the social life? Found another woman half your age in your impressive campaign to treat the family name like a spaniel would a rhododendron? Grandma, is it possible that there is another Tanner Hughes out there? Because the one that you set me up with is an insufferable tool.
Well, of course he is, dear.
He comes from a long and distinguished line of insufferable tools.
- Well, then why would you - No, no, wrong question.
Why did you show far too much affection for a creature named Meatball and then walk away from the Belles? Mother, come on now.
You put the claws back in.
Pretend you're a tree and count your rings, dear heart.
That tool may be the last one in the box.
Now, on to the subject of the wayward Magnolia Excuse me.
Uh, George Tucker! Mother, you remember your almost-grandson-in-law George Tucker who abandoned Lemon at the altar.
Y'all probably want to catch up.
I'm sorry, son.
Survival.
Between you and me, I'm crashing this party.
It is kind of boring.
Truly wish there was some way for you and me to shake things up a bit.
- Oh, I'd say you're doing just fine.
- Who? Me? Now, what about your current living quarters? A boat? What your weekend place gonna be, an inner tube? I tell you, they had such high hopes for you.
Oh.
Hey.
Mrs.
Breeland, you remember Crickett, right? The one that drove Lemon from the Belles and blacklisted her from this party? Enjoy yourself.
So then he started crying, and he said, "Oh, I'm two years from retirement.
Please don't fire me.
" I said, "You are 67 years old.
" Chardonnay? Take it.
At least you'll get to enjoy one thing tonight.
Why do I feel like I know you? 'Cause we met yesterday in BlueBell at a bar called the Rammer Jammer? Oh, yeah, you're the flat tire guy.
Yeah, usually I go by Peter, but, you know, "flat tire guy" has a nice ring to it.
I'm Lemon Breeland.
Why are you being so nice to me? You're not gonna hand me a subpoena or something, are you? Look, I've had my fair share of disastrous first dates, so, no, no subpoenas.
I'm just passing through town, I got a flat tire, I missed my flight.
Boss says, "Hey, there's this huge party tonight.
" Next thing, I have a mask, and a chance to talk to a Lemon! Lemon, Alaskan crab cakes! Come! A woman on a date with an insufferable tool.
Wow! But, hey, at least he's got a plane, right? Yeah, and he gets little balls of foam in the corner of his mouth when he talks about it, too.
Hey, I tell you what.
Why don't you tell him that in the last month, the resale price of the Lear jets have gone down dramatically, and that they say it is now the second worst investment in the world.
- Is that true? - I don't know.
It sounds true, though, doesn't it? Lemon? Lemon! Come! Come, come, come, come! Come on, now! Trick or treat! Zoe, Joel, what are you doing here? I thought there was a medical emergency.
Oh, there is.
I have an acute case of anxiety because my best friend and my boyfriend refuse to be friends.
I'm not leaving until we fix this once and for all.
Uh Where's my damn alligator when you need him? Your thing about the airplanes totally threw him for a loop.
He's on a phone call right now with his jet broker.
Does present a little bit of a pickle, 'cause I'm not flying commercial.
This is the most fun I've had all night.
Here, give me some more stuff to torture him with.
Okay.
Um, let's see.
How about Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, tell him about the new intestinal parasites that they just found in French wines.
Or, no, even better.
Tell him about the study that said that men that don't wear socks What am I paying you for, huh? tend to be impotent by the age of 40.
Or you know what? Here's one.
Why don't you tell him that you're leaving with the man that you met at the bar that you already like No, no, I can't I can't leave.
My grandma would kill me.
I think I could take her.
Let's slip out the back.
I can't believe they just barged in here like this.
Whoa, Whoa! What are you doing? I was going to offer our guests some pie.
Mm-mm.
Guests are people you invite over, not people who show up on your special night unannounced.
These are home invaders.
They can get their pie to go.
I thought Halloween in New York was crazy, but this is crazy.
This is beyond, beyond, beyond crazy.
I realize that it's not one of my five best moments in life, but How is it not okay for me to grab a beer with Wade, yet it's perfectly fine for you to drag me here under the guise of a medical emergency - to hang out with Lavon?! - That is an excellent question.
One that I can't answer in a way that puts me in a good light.
Look, okay, I realize that I overstepped.
I can't explain, but I can promise that it was for a good reason.
Joel, would you like some pie? - Yeah, all right.
- Oh, great.
Go ahead, sit down.
Thank you for coming, but this is obviously useless.
I mean, Joel is irritated, and what's to stop Lavon from proposing as soon as you leave? A.
B.
, you underestimate the powers of a Johns Hopkins education.
Everybody, think of 40 names and put them in a jar.
We are playing Celebrity! - That's 160 names.
- That'll take forever.
We are playing Celebrity! We are playing Celebrity, and no one's leaving until we have fun! I'll make us some drinks.
So, I had a list made of the 20 most eligible bachelors in Alabama.
I dated seven of them.
Uh, two of them were unbearable, four of them vanished as soon as they heard that I ran a bar.
And, oh, one of them proposed to me before we even ordered our entrees, and then cried in his French onion soup when I refused.
My reputation took a hit.
Oh, another hit.
It already had suffered when I got left at the altar for having an affair with the mayor.
Wow.
You know, for a sleepy little town, BlueBell's got a lot going on.
I think I'm still trying to prove to everyone that I can succeed on my own two feet.
Which is why I had Grandma arrange a date with Tanner Hughes.
- Oh.
- And his foamy mouth.
Yeah, that makes perfect sense.
You must think that I'm a snob.
You know what? You're right, I probably am.
Well, I don't even like listening to me right now.
Well, I do.
And besides, I don't think a snob would run that amazing establishment that I met you at yesterday.
I mean, the Rammer Jammer.
But, hey, you know what I really did like about that place? The jukebox.
The way the music was organized.
It wasn't by, like, song title or singer or genre.
It was like someone organized it by emotion.
That was me.
I did that last week.
Break-up songs, I-miss-you songs, I-want-you songs, I-hate-you songs, dance-with-me songs, I-need-a-drink songs.
That's pretty much every song worth listening to.
That's not a snob's jukebox.
Well, you're nice.
Hey, you want to grab a drink? Yes.
As long as it's not Pinot gris.
Hey, Judge Perkins.
Everything okay? I've been trying to leave this place for 45 minutes, and it seems that I've misplaced my wife.
Have you seen her? Um, I have not, actually.
Uh, yes, I have.
I have seen her.
I saw her.
She was in the garden, which is out back.
Oh, Lord, I'm gonna have to pin one of them GPS thingamabobs on her.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you should do that.
You should Oh! - Okay, Casanova, it's time to go.
- Oh, what's the rush? - I was just getting my trick-or-treat on.
- Yeah, with Judge Perkins' wife! She's married to that old geezer? No wonder she was looking for a little sidebar action.
Go! Bertram, there you are.
And this time, you're not escaping.
- We must discuss your - Excuse me.
I am sorry to interrupt, but Mrs.
Breeland, would you check to see if Lemon is okay in the ladies' room? She said she had a cinder in her eye almost an hour ago.
I haven't seen her since.
I'm gonna go check the garden again.
Well, I'm sure that No one's had a cinder in their eye since Atlanta burned.
Your daughter walked out on her date.
Find her.
So, if your car hadn't have broken down in Mobile and you wouldn't have gone to the party, where would you be right now? I would be on a flight to Scotland.
- Scotland? - Yeah.
Really? What, a bagpipe convention? Or a-a haggis-eating contest.
You know, sadly, you're not too far off.
So, I'm a news producer, and we're covering the vandalizing of a beloved statue in Glasgow.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
I do a lot of cutting-edge journalism like that.
Yeah, well, at least you get to travel.
Which is the best part of the job.
I'm not one to stay in any place too long.
Is it because your work makes you happy? Yeah, happy enough.
- What about you? - Oh, no.
No, you've already heard more about me than I'd ever imagine telling a perfect stranger, so Oh, see, that's what makes it fun.
So, come on.
If you could do anything in the world, what would it be? Um I like being a business owner.
Although, I spend way too much time sorting fish than I'd like.
I still think that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
- Is that crazy? - No.
That's endearing.
Okay.
Um, hmm.
Oh, uh, this lady she might be on a reality TV show Sonia Sotomayor.
Joel, I don't think the Supreme Court justice is on a reality TV show! He didn't mean I didn't mean to imply that you thought she was on - I'm not that dumb! - I didn't say you were dumb.
- Nuh-uh.
- It's just, you know, sometimes, in the heat of competition, you know, you mix people up.
- Yes.
- You know, like Henry Hill and Harold Hill.
- Goodfellas, Music Man.
- It's a very common mistake.
And time's up! Okay, our turn.
- Zoe, go.
- Okay.
Let's go.
- All right, all right.
- I didn't I'm sorry.
Reality TV show, Supreme Court justice? Yeah, it means Okay.
- A.
B.
, I'm ready.
- Okay.
All right, it's a Greek word.
It could be a yogurt.
Acidophilus? Agamemnon? Yoplait? Daenerys from Game of Thrones! - It is A.
B.
's turn to guess! - Are you a Game of Thrones fan? - Yeah.
- Hey.
Oh, he's obsessed! He's seen every episode, read every book.
Joel loves that, too! Lavon, didn't you say you that you had a signed edition of the first book? - Really? Can I see it? - Yeah, sure.
- It's wrapped, you can't touch the cover.
- Well, goes without saying.
Okay.
Oh, finally some trick-or-treaters.
Who wants to help me hand out cavities? Come on, Kendall, don't be shy, say "Trick or treat.
" Trick or treat.
Oh, my, she's She's so Oh.
I'm sorry, she just gets a little emotional around candy.
Happy Halloween.
Bye.
A.
B.
, you okay? Wh-What just happened here? I-I'm not sure.
Uh, yeah, yeah, it was, uh, it was me.
- I, um kind of insulted AnnaBeth.
- What? What'd you say? Uh, well, you know, I may I may have accidentally, um, implied that she had, uh, big feet.
I'm so sorry, man.
I have horrible impulse control, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?! I definitely think I'm growing on him.
Here's your house, Wade.
Did you fall down, Wade? Did you did you hit your head? Are-are you seeing things? For the millionth time, Tucker, all right, I didn't know it was Judge Perkins' wife.
Well, you knew she was somebody's wife.
You had to see the big honking ring right on her finger! Oh, crap.
- That is a large gentleman.
- Yes, it is.
You're Wade Kinsella! - Now drive.
- Oh, oh.
Hey.
I'm sorry I dragged you and Joel into this.
Are you okay? I have dreamed of Lavon proposing since the first time he kissed me, and I've dreamed how I'd say yes and how I'd cry and how I would tell him I can't wait to be his wife and have 19 babies with him.
I mean, what if I can't? You two will figure it out.
I want babies, Zoe, with Lavon, big football- playing babies.
I know.
I want that for you, too, a whole team of 'em.
I really don't want to have to hurt Joel, so, Zoe, can you please take him home? Maybe AnnaBeth and I can salvage what's left of this crazy night.
Actually, uh, my head is feeling like it's busting open, so I'm going to have Zoe ta me home, too.
- Um we'll talk tomorrow.
- Yeah.
- You lost him.
- Damn right I did! 'Cause I didn't want to get my brains smashed in next to your stupid moron brains! Seriously, Wade, what the hell is wrong with you, man? What? Waiting for you to slow-dance with me, - I started getting lonely.
- Wade, seriously What's wrong with you? I mean, you're-you're sleeping with married women.
You're sleeping with girls who got boyfriends the size of refrigerators.
It's not my finest two days, I will admit.
You know what I think it is, man? I think you are getting with every unavailable woman you can because the one unavailable girl you want, you can't have.
Oh, wow, that is that is deep, Dr.
Freud, but y-you're wrong so, so wrong.
So let's go 'cause I'm sleeping at your place tonight.
I should make you sleep in the truck.
That's what I should do.
This is me.
You know, it's not as crummy as it looks.
They have a breakfast buffet.
- I had a wonderful night.
- Yeah, me, too.
So, um, do you have any plans to be near BlueBell any time soon? It's hard to say.
Let's see, after Glasgow, Vancouver, then Naples sadly Italy.
I mean, if it was Florida, I would swing by here in a heartbeat.
Well I guess it's good-bye.
I got to admit that, uh, for the first time in a long while, I I wish I could stay at a crummy hotel longer.
You know, their breakfast buffet claims to have the best grits in Alabama.
- You, uh you like grits? - Is that an invitation? IS A FRESH FEAST OF FLAVOR.
Breakfast buffet.
I actually wanted to leave a note, too.
Uh I just I-I didn't know what to write and then I, uh, I eventually just told mylf, you know, hey, a breakfast, uh, is worth a thousand words, so Aren't you gonna miss your flight? Eh, Europe's been there for a while.
It can wait a couple more hours for me.
Okay, yeah, thank you, thank you so much.
So? It's a small cyst on your ovary totally common and totally treatable.
You're fine and ready to have - running backs, quarterbacks.
- Yay! A pitcher! Who cares?! There you are.
Two creams, no sugar.
Still no word, huh? At this point, the best we can hope for is that Lemon's fallen down a well.
- Now, Mother, Lemon - Hello.
Morning, Daddy.
- Hey.
- Grandma.
Is that all you can say? No.
Also this.
Thank you.
I just had the most wonderful night.
And it was exactly, exactly what I needed, and it's all because of you.
Well who's hungry? Thank you for helping with the A.
B.
situation last night.
- I owe you.
- You do, and - Thanks.
- Thank you.
Maybe you could start by letting me choose my own friends? Okay.
Wade, though? I mean, does it have to be Wade? And this is what I mean.
Oh, hey, Wade.
Kendra, hey.
So, Randall had to go visit his mama.
Want to come over tonight? Uh Yeah no.
You know, I kind of like having my teeth, so thanks for the offer.
Hey, pal, I'm, uh, I'm heading down to Pascagoula to pick up some meat.
- You want to come? - Pascagoula? See, it sounds made up and yet I know it's real.
- Yeah, what could be better? - All right.
- You guys, you know, have fun.
- All right.
Anyways, I'm sorry I got so upset last night.
It had nothing to do with Joel.
I was going through something personal.
- Are you okay? - I am.
Very.
Very, very, very okay.
So I was thinking maybe you could do your special surprise tonight, and then, after, we can celebrate my okayness.
Oh, uh, yeah, I'm sorry, but the special surprise is off.
What? How can it be on one night and then off? Why? Y-You can't show Night of the Living Dead in November.
What? - That was your special surprise? - Yeah, got you, right? See, you don't think I pay attention, but I remember you saying how you'd never seen a horror movie before, so I rented the original film version and I set it up with a projector upstairs on a big Uh-huh.
Zoe! You know what Lavon's special surprise was last night? That we'd watch Night of the Living Dead.
On a big 20-foot screen.
That was what was gonna be the night that she was gonna remember forever? Oh, it's an excellent movie; and it'd be killer on a 20-foot screen.
Yeah.
Men! - Can you believe that? - Night of the Living Dead.
Do you have any idea what just happened here? No clue.
Hey, Shakespeare, you ready to go? Oh, hey, uh, Lavon, Wade and I are, uh, road-tripping up to a place called Pascagoula.
You want to come? Might stop at an old fishing hole, dig for crawdads.
- That's not how you get crawdads.
- Well, sometimes.
Hell yeah.
Count me in.
Let's hit it.
All right