Hogan's Heroes (1965) s03e04 Episode Script
Sergeant Schultz Meets Mata Hari
( theme song playing ) Hammelburg has been chosen as the ideal location for the new factory-- proximity to Dusseldorf and a good supply of power.
An excellent choice, Major Hochstetter.
I'm so glad you approve.
This plant will produce a new high-velocity, armor-piercing shell.
This is top secret.
The entire area around here, including Stalag 13, must be secure.
And so it is.
It is not! In the last year, there have been more acts of sabotage around this camp than any other place in Germany.
Why? But there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
You keep saying that, Yes.
but it is not an answer to my question.
No.
But the Gestapo will get the answer.
Send in Colonel Hogan.
Gentlemen.
You sent for me, Commandant? I sent for you, Hogan.
Major Hochstetter has been conducting an investigation.
Hogan, in the last 12 months, in the area here, three bridges have been blown up, two trains destroyed, a research laboratory destroyed, a small arms factory burnt down, and at least 12 officers and men of the Wehrmacht have disappeared completely.
How would you explain this? Just hasn't been a good year.
Hogan, all of these acts of sabotage have taken place within a short distance of this camp.
Why? Search me.
That, Colonel Hogan, is exactly what I intend to do-- search you and every inch of Stalag 13.
Well, gentlemen, if that's all, I'll be on my way.
You are most anxious to get out of here.
Well, if there's gonna be a search, I don't know about you guys, but I've got things to hide.
Major, your boys are ruining the place.
Right.
It was an eyesore before he started.
You're making a bleedin' wreck out of it.
I think I like it better as a wreck.
Our genial landlord isn't gonna be happy.
Go right ahead, Major.
CARTER: Hey, what are doing with my mattress? Hey, leave it alone! You're ruining it.
I'm reporting this to the Red Cross.
Aha.
The first piece of evidence.
Hey, that's mine! Easy, Carter, easy.
Ah! That's of no interest.
Depends on how long you've been away from home.
( thumps echo ) Aha.
( speaks German ) ( thumps echo ) It's hollow under this stove.
There's a tunnel there.
Impossible.
Of course.
That's a terrible place for a tunnel.
Who put a tunnel here? ( thumping, no echo ) LeBeau.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I lost the beat.
Klink, see to it that this man is punished.
Two days in solitary confinement.
Give him three days and some music lessons.
Aha! That appears to be a homemade radio.
Yes, a radio.
Most ingenious.
Is this what you use to receive messages from outside? No comment.
Answer the Major's questions.
Never mind.
( yells ) ( laughter ) "Sorry, no radio.
" Klink, you are the Commandant here.
Do you allow this sort of thing? The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.
That's cruel and inhuman punishment.
Klink, a German officer has been insulted.
All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.
That's a terrible thing to do.
Do you consider this adequate punishment, Commandant? The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.
Now, that's the worst blow of all.
We have turned the place inside out and found nothing.
That alone is suspicious.
The Commandant of Stalag 13-- he doesn't know anything? Fraulein, you've asked the question and answered it at the same time.
No, I am convinced that the only way we will get the information is by working from the inside.
I agree.
Fraulein Mueller, you are one of the most experienced agents we have in the Geheimstaatspolizei.
I am relying on you.
I will do my best, Herr Major.
( chuckles ) Now, this man is one of the guards at Stalag 13.
It is possible he has information without even knowing he has it.
Your mission is to gain his confidence, get him interested in you, make him talk.
It should not be too difficult.
This one looks stupid.
Why not? He studied under Colonel Klink.
( instrumental music plays ) Wine, bitte.
Danke.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Danke, Lieutenant.
( chuckles ) Not Lieutenant.
Sergeant.
Ah, but still a leader of men.
Who? Me? A leader of men and a, uh, charmer of women.
Charmer of ( chuckles ) women? Nobody ever called me that, not even my mother.
But sometimes mothers don't know their children.
Mine did.
Whenever I came into the house, she hit me.
You were a naughty boy.
No, just because I was there.
Tell me about it, Lieutenant.
Uh-uh, not lieutenant-- sergeant.
Sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
If you would know me better, you would realize Ooh.
Oh, blimey.
If I cook, why should I be on KP? You're closest to the kitchen.
Excuse me.
From the underground, sir.
"Sending Kirk.
Usual place.
All right, Carter, Newkirk, go out and bring him in through the tunnel.
Right.
Right.
Let's hope Kirk has the information we want.
Yeah, I'd like to know why Major Hochstetter suddenly is so interested in little old Stalag 13.
High-velocity shells.
That is our information, Colonel.
They have brought the workers from as far as Berlin.
Security.
That accounts for the Gestapo being so jumpy.
They gave us a right old going over.
They almost tore my picture of Rita Hayworth.
Well, they did.
Once they start production, they'll tighten security even more.
I'd like to get a shot at it before they get underway.
It is about a mile from town on the north side.
The road is here.
That looks like a tough one.
Gonna use demolition packs, sir? I don't know.
What's on this side of the building? Storage.
Detonators for the high-velocity shells, explosives and oil for the factory machines.
If we blew that, the whole plant would go up.
They could never stop it.
Okay.
Now, if we can get into the woods They have patrols.
They always do, but, if we can get close enough to toss a couple of hand grenades into the side of the building, Fourth of July'll be a little early this year.
It'll be great, huh? Carter, how we fixed for grenades? Are you kidding? I got about six of the most beautiful potato mashers you've ever seen.
Carter Anytime you're ready, boy.
Sir.
Okay, that's it.
Unless anybody has any better ideas, that's the plan.
Just one thing missing-- we need a nice little diversion.
What'd you have in mind, sir? We need something to lead the Krauts away from us.
And from our people, too.
HOGAN: Let's take another look at that map.
Hey, that smells great, LeBeau.
I love potato soup.
Potato soup.
That's ragu, you idiot.
Oh.
Back where I come from, ham and eggs are a delicacy.
* Guten Abend, guten Abend to you.
* The door.
Ah, the door.
* I close the door * I close the door.
* ( humming ) Pretty happy tonight, Schultz.
Why not? I was dancing, dancing, dancing NEWKIRK: Who with? Corporal Langenscheidt? Nein.
With my Eva in town, ah.
Everybody stopped to watch us.
They had to.
There was no room left to dance.
Oh, what a beautiful couple we made.
Beauty and the Beast.
* Ra, ra, ra, ra * * La, la Ooh, you ought to fix the hole in the ground.
Someone might fall in and hurt himself.
Yeah, we'll get around to it, Schultz.
* Ra, ra, ra, ra * Ah, the moon and the stars, and the stars and the moon.
Ah, guten Abend, my friends, and schlafen Sie gut.
* And pleasant dreams * * Schlafen Sie gut * * And pleasant * He seems depressed.
Schultz dancing? In war, anything can happen.
But not that.
For Pete's sake, he didn't even notice the tunnel.
Yeah, he's round the bend.
I think I'll have a talk to Schultz tomorrow.
I'm a little concerned.
Why, Colonel? I think Schultz is in love.
( humming ) Schultz? A little present from the boys.
Ooh, Amerikanisch cigarette for me? Trade 'em in for a castle on the Rhine if you want.
Danke, nein.
I'm going to smoke them on my date tonight.
Another date? The same girl? Of course.
I'm no butterfly.
Sounds serious.
Where'd you meet her? At the hofbrau.
She let me pick her up.
Old irresistible Schultz.
You son of a gun.
I had just got a haircut, and I must have smelled very good.
Yeah.
That's why you've been so happy lately, huh? Colonel Hogan, I think I'm in love.
Love is for civilians, Schultz.
Is, uh is it local talent? No.
She's new in town.
Oh, that's the best kind.
Pretty? ( speaking German ) Probably a big fan of the Fuhrer's.
Yeah, she thinks Hitler is a great man.
Yeah, that figures.
She know you're stationed out here at old Casa Klink? Oh, yeah, and she's so nice.
She's interested about everything.
She asks so many questions.
Mm-hmm.
That is nice.
Where are you taking her tonight? To the hofbrau, where we always go.
Good, good.
Well, good luck, Schultz.
Danke.
And remember, all the world loves a lover.
Oh, is that so? Well, I'm not sure.
It's been so long since I've been one.
* Ra, ra-ra, ra-ra * I was right.
The blimp is in love.
With another blimp? Good-looking woman.
Brand-new in town.
She keeps asking questions about what's going on here.
Gestapo.
Even money bet.
We may be able to use her.
Carter? Mm-hmm.
You're going into town tonight.
I am? To the hofbrau.
I want you to find out what you can about Schultz's girlfriend.
Why me? Well, you look more like a German than the rest of us.
Well, that's a fine thing for an officer to say about an enlisted man.
That really is.
Any trouble? No, fine.
Good, good.
LeBEAU: Hi.
What'd you find out? Well, I followed them after they left the hofbrau.
They were holding hands.
It was kind of cute, you know? Then Schultz kissed her good night.
And then Schultz wanted to do some more kissing, but I don't think she wanted to.
You know how girls are sometimes Carter.
Yeah.
Well, after Schultz left, I followed her.
And guess where she went? Right into Gestapo Headquarters in Hammelburg.
I knew it.
That's good enough for me.
Leave it to Schultz.
Falls for Poor slob.
a phony.
This could work out very nicely.
Newkirk, we need some Gestapo uniforms for the underground.
Good as done, sir.
LeBeau.
Yeah? Tell Kinch to get on the radio.
I need Kurt here for a briefing soon as possible.
Right, Colonel.
What's the plan? Try to blow that factory and lay it back on the Gestapo.
Nonsense.
You mean to tell me this is the most information you could receive? Schultz is sergeant of the guard at Stalag 13.
Are you trying to tell me he doesn't know what's going on in his own camp? In my opinion, there is nothing to be gained from this contact.
I am not interested in your opinion, Fraulein.
Schultz is our only lead.
You will continue to see him, and you will make every effort to gain information from him.
Understood? Understood, Herr Major.
How's it going with the girlfriend, Schultz? She seems to like me, but I'm not getting anywhere with her.
So, I go into town to get her a present.
Maybe she's just shy.
So am I, but I fight it.
I don't understand women.
Nobody does, Schultz, until they're married, and then it's too late.
I know.
You know, women like anything that's unusual, different, mysterious.
What's so mysterious about me? ( grunts ): This is it.
Say, you might tell her that you work for counterintelligence.
You're a captain in the Gestapo-- something like that.
Ja.
When we first met, she called me Lieutenant.
See? She's an easy sale.
When are you going to see her again? Tomorrow night at the hofbrau.
Captain of Counterintelligence.
You think she actually would believe me? Look, love is blind.
If you're lucky, it's also deaf.
Maybe I try it.
( chuckles ) But I hate to tell a lie to a girl.
Why not? Everybody else does.
Tallyho, lover.
Thank you, Colonel.
All right, the fix is in.
We move tomorrow night.
Uniforms going to be ready? They are, sir.
Kinch, get on the radio to Kurt and give him the word.
Right, Colonel.
The old barrage balloon looks a bit worried.
You would be too, if you were just made a captain in counterintelligence.
You are not talking very much.
You don't seem to be yourself tonight, darling.
I'm not myself.
I'm somebody else.
Really? Captain Felix Schaufhausen, Gestapo Counterintelligence.
What? It's hard to believe, isn't it? Captain Felix Sch-ch A-Are you serious? Gestapo is always serious.
( sighs ) Why didn't you tell me this before? I didn't know it myself until yesterday.
I mean, I mean, I didn't decide to tell you until yesterday.
Well, what are you doing in this sergeant's uniform? Just counterintelligizing.
This is very interesting.
It, uh, puts our relationship on a different basis.
Ja, Eva? Oh, that's won Sergeant Hans Schultz, Fraulein Eva Mueller, you are under arrest.
Wh Us? What are you talking about? You will come with us to Gestapo Headquarters.
You must be mistaken.
We were just sitting here having a little wine and telling a few lies.
You have been under observation for weeks, trying to get military information from this man.
From me? I don't know any military information.
All right, I will go to Gestapo Headquarters with you.
But I warn you, you will regret this.
Take her to the car.
If she makes a move to escape, use your gun.
I will take care of this man.
Sh-Sh-She is a spy? Unquestionably.
Shh and I told her I'm a spy.
Please, please let me go.
I'm loyal to the Fuhrer.
I'm loyal to anyone.
Well I'm stationed at Stalag 13.
You can get me there anytime, night and day, 24-hour service.
All right.
Use the rear door.
Go immediately to Stalag 13.
Danke! Report to your commanding officer-- full details.
Jawohl! Heil Hitler! Oh, absolutely.
Heil Hitler.
Can you imagine, Colonel Hogan? A spy! That's what I've always said, Schultz.
You can't trust women in wartime.
In peacetime, either.
I also said that.
They took her to Gestapo Headquarters, huh? For questioning.
Well if they want you to report to the commandant's office, Schultz, you'd better do it.
Please, Colonel Hogan, could you come with me? Me? Why? You could tell them I was interested in the spy for kissing purposes.
I don't want to get involved.
This is an inter- Kraut matter.
Please, Colonel Hogan.
( sighs ) Oh, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Wait for me by the commandant's office.
Danke.
LeBeau.
Yeah? Watch the door.
Right.
Carter.
Yeah.
Got the grenades? All set, Colonel.
Good.
Newkirk? Yes, sir.
Kinch.
Right.
All right, wait until you're in position.
You know what to do.
Right, sir.
Is your identification in here? Would you mind if I borrow it, luv? Mmm! Mmm, you're a real darling, you are.
Ta-ta.
Let's go, let's go.
Right.
LeBeau, keep your eyes on Mata Hari, eh? Oui, mon Colonel.
What are your orders in case of trouble? Don't worry; she can't hurt you.
She's tied up.
And how long did you know this woman? Almost two weeks, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And were you romantically involved with her? I fall in love very fast.
It's war, sir.
Everything's speeded up.
Silence! We have only your word for this.
He's telling the truth, Major.
He came to me for advice.
Schultz, why didn't you come to your commanding officer? You know my door is always open when my men have problems.
I needed good advice.
Herr Kommandant, I mean, you are so busy with the war.
Schultz, you dummkopf.
You talked about Stalag 13 to a stranger? I don't have many friends.
You're a fool.
And what's worse, you're a fool's idea of a fool.
Yes, sir.
Schultz, I'm going to break you for this.
I will have you march your post for the rest of the war.
You can't blame him, sir, for falling into the hands of a spy.
I'm going to blame anybody "Spy"? You will march your post in the next war, too.
Colonel, the woman is not a spy.
Eva Mueller is one of our agents.
Her mission is to check security in Stalag 13.
But Herr Major, the Gestapo arrested her.
What? I gave no such orders.
Nobody tells him anything.
NEWKIRK: Ready? One, two, three.
( explosions ) ( more explosions, gunfire ) The new factory was blown up? Sabotaged? No.
Burning out of control? Completely Heil Hitler.
Oh, what a shame.
How is this possible? It's possible, Major.
One of the guards found a handbag near the factory.
Oops.
It contained identification for Fraulein Eva Mueller, member of the Gestapo.
Don't look now, Major, but your Mata Hari is showing.
Obviously, Schultz's girlfriend is a double agent.
No, no.
Major Hochstetter! You would do very well to protect your own security instead of worrying about Stalag 13.
I will find that woman if I have to turn Germany inside out! ( laughing ) I'll deal with you later.
Eh, Herr Kommandant, please.
Silence! Take it easy on him, Colonel.
All he did was go out with a girl a couple of times.
That's right.
Besides, the Gestapo's off your back.
All right.
I'll, uh, overlook it this time.
Danke.
He's all heart.
And you will not fall in love with anybody until this war is over.
That's an order, understood? Understood.
Don't worry, Schultz.
You won't have long to wait.
We'll have you Germans whipped in no time.
I certainly hope you're right.
Schultz! Now, tomorrow night, this kind gentleman's going to take you out of here, and you'll be on your way to a nice P.
O.
W.
camp in England.
You'll have company all the way, Fraulein.
And if you make one little mistake, you'll miss the Gestapo reunion picnic after the war.
Compris? Compris.
How's it going, hot lips? Colonel Hogan, I would like to thank you for helping me.
Everything's taken care of, Colonel.
Thanks, LeBeau.
What does he mean by that? Oh, he's just doing his part to keep you away from women.
But will women keep away from me? I have nothing to worry about.
An excellent choice, Major Hochstetter.
I'm so glad you approve.
This plant will produce a new high-velocity, armor-piercing shell.
This is top secret.
The entire area around here, including Stalag 13, must be secure.
And so it is.
It is not! In the last year, there have been more acts of sabotage around this camp than any other place in Germany.
Why? But there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13.
You keep saying that, Yes.
but it is not an answer to my question.
No.
But the Gestapo will get the answer.
Send in Colonel Hogan.
Gentlemen.
You sent for me, Commandant? I sent for you, Hogan.
Major Hochstetter has been conducting an investigation.
Hogan, in the last 12 months, in the area here, three bridges have been blown up, two trains destroyed, a research laboratory destroyed, a small arms factory burnt down, and at least 12 officers and men of the Wehrmacht have disappeared completely.
How would you explain this? Just hasn't been a good year.
Hogan, all of these acts of sabotage have taken place within a short distance of this camp.
Why? Search me.
That, Colonel Hogan, is exactly what I intend to do-- search you and every inch of Stalag 13.
Well, gentlemen, if that's all, I'll be on my way.
You are most anxious to get out of here.
Well, if there's gonna be a search, I don't know about you guys, but I've got things to hide.
Major, your boys are ruining the place.
Right.
It was an eyesore before he started.
You're making a bleedin' wreck out of it.
I think I like it better as a wreck.
Our genial landlord isn't gonna be happy.
Go right ahead, Major.
CARTER: Hey, what are doing with my mattress? Hey, leave it alone! You're ruining it.
I'm reporting this to the Red Cross.
Aha.
The first piece of evidence.
Hey, that's mine! Easy, Carter, easy.
Ah! That's of no interest.
Depends on how long you've been away from home.
( thumps echo ) Aha.
( speaks German ) ( thumps echo ) It's hollow under this stove.
There's a tunnel there.
Impossible.
Of course.
That's a terrible place for a tunnel.
Who put a tunnel here? ( thumping, no echo ) LeBeau.
I'm sorry, Colonel.
I lost the beat.
Klink, see to it that this man is punished.
Two days in solitary confinement.
Give him three days and some music lessons.
Aha! That appears to be a homemade radio.
Yes, a radio.
Most ingenious.
Is this what you use to receive messages from outside? No comment.
Answer the Major's questions.
Never mind.
( yells ) ( laughter ) "Sorry, no radio.
" Klink, you are the Commandant here.
Do you allow this sort of thing? The men responsible for this will be confined to barracks for two weeks.
That's cruel and inhuman punishment.
Klink, a German officer has been insulted.
All potato rations are cut in half for ten days.
That's a terrible thing to do.
Do you consider this adequate punishment, Commandant? The Ping-Pong tournament is canceled.
Now, that's the worst blow of all.
We have turned the place inside out and found nothing.
That alone is suspicious.
The Commandant of Stalag 13-- he doesn't know anything? Fraulein, you've asked the question and answered it at the same time.
No, I am convinced that the only way we will get the information is by working from the inside.
I agree.
Fraulein Mueller, you are one of the most experienced agents we have in the Geheimstaatspolizei.
I am relying on you.
I will do my best, Herr Major.
( chuckles ) Now, this man is one of the guards at Stalag 13.
It is possible he has information without even knowing he has it.
Your mission is to gain his confidence, get him interested in you, make him talk.
It should not be too difficult.
This one looks stupid.
Why not? He studied under Colonel Klink.
( instrumental music plays ) Wine, bitte.
Danke.
Excuse me.
Oh.
Danke, Lieutenant.
( chuckles ) Not Lieutenant.
Sergeant.
Ah, but still a leader of men.
Who? Me? A leader of men and a, uh, charmer of women.
Charmer of ( chuckles ) women? Nobody ever called me that, not even my mother.
But sometimes mothers don't know their children.
Mine did.
Whenever I came into the house, she hit me.
You were a naughty boy.
No, just because I was there.
Tell me about it, Lieutenant.
Uh-uh, not lieutenant-- sergeant.
Sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
If you would know me better, you would realize Ooh.
Oh, blimey.
If I cook, why should I be on KP? You're closest to the kitchen.
Excuse me.
From the underground, sir.
"Sending Kirk.
Usual place.
All right, Carter, Newkirk, go out and bring him in through the tunnel.
Right.
Right.
Let's hope Kirk has the information we want.
Yeah, I'd like to know why Major Hochstetter suddenly is so interested in little old Stalag 13.
High-velocity shells.
That is our information, Colonel.
They have brought the workers from as far as Berlin.
Security.
That accounts for the Gestapo being so jumpy.
They gave us a right old going over.
They almost tore my picture of Rita Hayworth.
Well, they did.
Once they start production, they'll tighten security even more.
I'd like to get a shot at it before they get underway.
It is about a mile from town on the north side.
The road is here.
That looks like a tough one.
Gonna use demolition packs, sir? I don't know.
What's on this side of the building? Storage.
Detonators for the high-velocity shells, explosives and oil for the factory machines.
If we blew that, the whole plant would go up.
They could never stop it.
Okay.
Now, if we can get into the woods They have patrols.
They always do, but, if we can get close enough to toss a couple of hand grenades into the side of the building, Fourth of July'll be a little early this year.
It'll be great, huh? Carter, how we fixed for grenades? Are you kidding? I got about six of the most beautiful potato mashers you've ever seen.
Carter Anytime you're ready, boy.
Sir.
Okay, that's it.
Unless anybody has any better ideas, that's the plan.
Just one thing missing-- we need a nice little diversion.
What'd you have in mind, sir? We need something to lead the Krauts away from us.
And from our people, too.
HOGAN: Let's take another look at that map.
Hey, that smells great, LeBeau.
I love potato soup.
Potato soup.
That's ragu, you idiot.
Oh.
Back where I come from, ham and eggs are a delicacy.
* Guten Abend, guten Abend to you.
* The door.
Ah, the door.
* I close the door * I close the door.
* ( humming ) Pretty happy tonight, Schultz.
Why not? I was dancing, dancing, dancing NEWKIRK: Who with? Corporal Langenscheidt? Nein.
With my Eva in town, ah.
Everybody stopped to watch us.
They had to.
There was no room left to dance.
Oh, what a beautiful couple we made.
Beauty and the Beast.
* Ra, ra, ra, ra * * La, la Ooh, you ought to fix the hole in the ground.
Someone might fall in and hurt himself.
Yeah, we'll get around to it, Schultz.
* Ra, ra, ra, ra * Ah, the moon and the stars, and the stars and the moon.
Ah, guten Abend, my friends, and schlafen Sie gut.
* And pleasant dreams * * Schlafen Sie gut * * And pleasant * He seems depressed.
Schultz dancing? In war, anything can happen.
But not that.
For Pete's sake, he didn't even notice the tunnel.
Yeah, he's round the bend.
I think I'll have a talk to Schultz tomorrow.
I'm a little concerned.
Why, Colonel? I think Schultz is in love.
( humming ) Schultz? A little present from the boys.
Ooh, Amerikanisch cigarette for me? Trade 'em in for a castle on the Rhine if you want.
Danke, nein.
I'm going to smoke them on my date tonight.
Another date? The same girl? Of course.
I'm no butterfly.
Sounds serious.
Where'd you meet her? At the hofbrau.
She let me pick her up.
Old irresistible Schultz.
You son of a gun.
I had just got a haircut, and I must have smelled very good.
Yeah.
That's why you've been so happy lately, huh? Colonel Hogan, I think I'm in love.
Love is for civilians, Schultz.
Is, uh is it local talent? No.
She's new in town.
Oh, that's the best kind.
Pretty? ( speaking German ) Probably a big fan of the Fuhrer's.
Yeah, she thinks Hitler is a great man.
Yeah, that figures.
She know you're stationed out here at old Casa Klink? Oh, yeah, and she's so nice.
She's interested about everything.
She asks so many questions.
Mm-hmm.
That is nice.
Where are you taking her tonight? To the hofbrau, where we always go.
Good, good.
Well, good luck, Schultz.
Danke.
And remember, all the world loves a lover.
Oh, is that so? Well, I'm not sure.
It's been so long since I've been one.
* Ra, ra-ra, ra-ra * I was right.
The blimp is in love.
With another blimp? Good-looking woman.
Brand-new in town.
She keeps asking questions about what's going on here.
Gestapo.
Even money bet.
We may be able to use her.
Carter? Mm-hmm.
You're going into town tonight.
I am? To the hofbrau.
I want you to find out what you can about Schultz's girlfriend.
Why me? Well, you look more like a German than the rest of us.
Well, that's a fine thing for an officer to say about an enlisted man.
That really is.
Any trouble? No, fine.
Good, good.
LeBEAU: Hi.
What'd you find out? Well, I followed them after they left the hofbrau.
They were holding hands.
It was kind of cute, you know? Then Schultz kissed her good night.
And then Schultz wanted to do some more kissing, but I don't think she wanted to.
You know how girls are sometimes Carter.
Yeah.
Well, after Schultz left, I followed her.
And guess where she went? Right into Gestapo Headquarters in Hammelburg.
I knew it.
That's good enough for me.
Leave it to Schultz.
Falls for Poor slob.
a phony.
This could work out very nicely.
Newkirk, we need some Gestapo uniforms for the underground.
Good as done, sir.
LeBeau.
Yeah? Tell Kinch to get on the radio.
I need Kurt here for a briefing soon as possible.
Right, Colonel.
What's the plan? Try to blow that factory and lay it back on the Gestapo.
Nonsense.
You mean to tell me this is the most information you could receive? Schultz is sergeant of the guard at Stalag 13.
Are you trying to tell me he doesn't know what's going on in his own camp? In my opinion, there is nothing to be gained from this contact.
I am not interested in your opinion, Fraulein.
Schultz is our only lead.
You will continue to see him, and you will make every effort to gain information from him.
Understood? Understood, Herr Major.
How's it going with the girlfriend, Schultz? She seems to like me, but I'm not getting anywhere with her.
So, I go into town to get her a present.
Maybe she's just shy.
So am I, but I fight it.
I don't understand women.
Nobody does, Schultz, until they're married, and then it's too late.
I know.
You know, women like anything that's unusual, different, mysterious.
What's so mysterious about me? ( grunts ): This is it.
Say, you might tell her that you work for counterintelligence.
You're a captain in the Gestapo-- something like that.
Ja.
When we first met, she called me Lieutenant.
See? She's an easy sale.
When are you going to see her again? Tomorrow night at the hofbrau.
Captain of Counterintelligence.
You think she actually would believe me? Look, love is blind.
If you're lucky, it's also deaf.
Maybe I try it.
( chuckles ) But I hate to tell a lie to a girl.
Why not? Everybody else does.
Tallyho, lover.
Thank you, Colonel.
All right, the fix is in.
We move tomorrow night.
Uniforms going to be ready? They are, sir.
Kinch, get on the radio to Kurt and give him the word.
Right, Colonel.
The old barrage balloon looks a bit worried.
You would be too, if you were just made a captain in counterintelligence.
You are not talking very much.
You don't seem to be yourself tonight, darling.
I'm not myself.
I'm somebody else.
Really? Captain Felix Schaufhausen, Gestapo Counterintelligence.
What? It's hard to believe, isn't it? Captain Felix Sch-ch A-Are you serious? Gestapo is always serious.
( sighs ) Why didn't you tell me this before? I didn't know it myself until yesterday.
I mean, I mean, I didn't decide to tell you until yesterday.
Well, what are you doing in this sergeant's uniform? Just counterintelligizing.
This is very interesting.
It, uh, puts our relationship on a different basis.
Ja, Eva? Oh, that's won Sergeant Hans Schultz, Fraulein Eva Mueller, you are under arrest.
Wh Us? What are you talking about? You will come with us to Gestapo Headquarters.
You must be mistaken.
We were just sitting here having a little wine and telling a few lies.
You have been under observation for weeks, trying to get military information from this man.
From me? I don't know any military information.
All right, I will go to Gestapo Headquarters with you.
But I warn you, you will regret this.
Take her to the car.
If she makes a move to escape, use your gun.
I will take care of this man.
Sh-Sh-She is a spy? Unquestionably.
Shh and I told her I'm a spy.
Please, please let me go.
I'm loyal to the Fuhrer.
I'm loyal to anyone.
Well I'm stationed at Stalag 13.
You can get me there anytime, night and day, 24-hour service.
All right.
Use the rear door.
Go immediately to Stalag 13.
Danke! Report to your commanding officer-- full details.
Jawohl! Heil Hitler! Oh, absolutely.
Heil Hitler.
Can you imagine, Colonel Hogan? A spy! That's what I've always said, Schultz.
You can't trust women in wartime.
In peacetime, either.
I also said that.
They took her to Gestapo Headquarters, huh? For questioning.
Well if they want you to report to the commandant's office, Schultz, you'd better do it.
Please, Colonel Hogan, could you come with me? Me? Why? You could tell them I was interested in the spy for kissing purposes.
I don't want to get involved.
This is an inter- Kraut matter.
Please, Colonel Hogan.
( sighs ) Oh, all right.
I'll see what I can do.
Wait for me by the commandant's office.
Danke.
LeBeau.
Yeah? Watch the door.
Right.
Carter.
Yeah.
Got the grenades? All set, Colonel.
Good.
Newkirk? Yes, sir.
Kinch.
Right.
All right, wait until you're in position.
You know what to do.
Right, sir.
Is your identification in here? Would you mind if I borrow it, luv? Mmm! Mmm, you're a real darling, you are.
Ta-ta.
Let's go, let's go.
Right.
LeBeau, keep your eyes on Mata Hari, eh? Oui, mon Colonel.
What are your orders in case of trouble? Don't worry; she can't hurt you.
She's tied up.
And how long did you know this woman? Almost two weeks, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
And were you romantically involved with her? I fall in love very fast.
It's war, sir.
Everything's speeded up.
Silence! We have only your word for this.
He's telling the truth, Major.
He came to me for advice.
Schultz, why didn't you come to your commanding officer? You know my door is always open when my men have problems.
I needed good advice.
Herr Kommandant, I mean, you are so busy with the war.
Schultz, you dummkopf.
You talked about Stalag 13 to a stranger? I don't have many friends.
You're a fool.
And what's worse, you're a fool's idea of a fool.
Yes, sir.
Schultz, I'm going to break you for this.
I will have you march your post for the rest of the war.
You can't blame him, sir, for falling into the hands of a spy.
I'm going to blame anybody "Spy"? You will march your post in the next war, too.
Colonel, the woman is not a spy.
Eva Mueller is one of our agents.
Her mission is to check security in Stalag 13.
But Herr Major, the Gestapo arrested her.
What? I gave no such orders.
Nobody tells him anything.
NEWKIRK: Ready? One, two, three.
( explosions ) ( more explosions, gunfire ) The new factory was blown up? Sabotaged? No.
Burning out of control? Completely Heil Hitler.
Oh, what a shame.
How is this possible? It's possible, Major.
One of the guards found a handbag near the factory.
Oops.
It contained identification for Fraulein Eva Mueller, member of the Gestapo.
Don't look now, Major, but your Mata Hari is showing.
Obviously, Schultz's girlfriend is a double agent.
No, no.
Major Hochstetter! You would do very well to protect your own security instead of worrying about Stalag 13.
I will find that woman if I have to turn Germany inside out! ( laughing ) I'll deal with you later.
Eh, Herr Kommandant, please.
Silence! Take it easy on him, Colonel.
All he did was go out with a girl a couple of times.
That's right.
Besides, the Gestapo's off your back.
All right.
I'll, uh, overlook it this time.
Danke.
He's all heart.
And you will not fall in love with anybody until this war is over.
That's an order, understood? Understood.
Don't worry, Schultz.
You won't have long to wait.
We'll have you Germans whipped in no time.
I certainly hope you're right.
Schultz! Now, tomorrow night, this kind gentleman's going to take you out of here, and you'll be on your way to a nice P.
O.
W.
camp in England.
You'll have company all the way, Fraulein.
And if you make one little mistake, you'll miss the Gestapo reunion picnic after the war.
Compris? Compris.
How's it going, hot lips? Colonel Hogan, I would like to thank you for helping me.
Everything's taken care of, Colonel.
Thanks, LeBeau.
What does he mean by that? Oh, he's just doing his part to keep you away from women.
But will women keep away from me? I have nothing to worry about.