Home Economics (2021) s03e04 Episode Script

1
- Hey.
- Hey.
Come on in. We're just setting up.
- Lulu, calm down.
- I am calm.
Connor, you drive like a maniac.
Hell yeah, I do.
Big announcement, people.
So exciting a chapter
from "Home Economics"
is in this month's "Harper's Magazine."
Oh, big publicity win for the company.
Would've been cooler if it was
in "Hoopers" magazine, though.
What's "Hoopers"?
It's a magazine for people
who own basketball teams?
Keep up, Tom.
What chapter did they go with?
Uh, the one where we got married.
"Bride the comes here"?
Bad news, they printed
the title backwards.
Oh, you would get it
if you were at their wedding.
Why is there an illustration
of a crying bride?
Yeah, isn't this supposed
to be like the happiest day
of your life?
It was
I mean, eventually.
- Well, that's not great.
- Ah, it can't be that bad.
They're not even using the siren.
Oh, boy.
Steady, Tommy.
Don't want to impale
you on your big day.
I don't play favourites
with my children.
- But if I did
- Oh, come on, Mum.
No one's keeping score around here.
My first book is coming out.
We bought a house.
I wasn't gonna tell you
guys yet, but I did it.
I quit my copywriting job at Myspace
to focus full time on fiction.
My son, the professional novelist.
Look out, David Baldacci.
- Oh.
- Wow, novelist, so cool.
It's like being a
college lacrosse player
Doesn't count for jack.
Connor, we go to all
of your lacrosse games.
You know, once I go pro, I'll
be making 30K a year, easy.
You're gonna have to
support him one day.
- Oh, I know.
- Sarah, it's almost time.
Shouldn't you do your hair and makeup?
I did it already.
Oh!
So where's your date?
Uh, he's around here somewhere.
Hey, hey, hey.
What! Wasabi?
Hey, Dennis.
Hello, my little butterfly sugar baby.
I keep having to track you down.
You're not trying to ditch me, are you?
Oh, no, no, no, I'm just
busy with bridesmaid stuff.
You are looking sharp, Dennis.
Thank you, Mr. H. Game recognise game.
This is Jonas Brothers
for Tuxedo Junction.
So stylish and also
financially successful.
- Mm.
- Look at the two of you,
- perfect match.
- Right?
Imagine the "babaes."
We should start tonight.
All right, well, I got a
hankerin' for a drinkerin'.
Join me at the barrio?
Let's go.
OK, Sarah, this is getting ridiculous.
Yeah, you gotta come out to Mum and Dad.
This is cray.
You've had serious girlfriends.
Well, one serious college girlfriend.
And you know how Mum is.
I mean, when I got a nose
ring, she took to her bed
for three days.
I mean, Dennis is pretty sweet.
Do not get attached, OK?
He's just here to get Mum off my back
so that everyone can enjoy the day.
Well, Marina and I did a pretty sick job
planning this wedding. I don't think
anyone's gonna
have trouble enjoying today.
Papi, can you please try
to enjoy yourself today?
Ay, sí, calm down, Roberto.
How am I supposed to calm
down when my daughter is
marrying a man who has no job?
He's a writer!
Same thing.
How is this man supposed
to support a family?
- I have a job too, Dad, remember?
- Oh, yeah.
My daughter works all
day in the law office
so Tom can stay home and
write his little stories.
That's not fair.
Some days, he doesn't
write anything at all.
Oh, por favor, mi amor.
Tom and I are gonna be fine.
Tom and I are gonna
be fine, right, Mommy?
Of course.
No, I mean, I love him so much
and I'm excited to marry him.
But if I'm being honest,
him quitting his job when he did,
right after we signed a mortgage
and paid for a wedding
What if he, you know,
doesn't make good choices?
Have faith in your choices.
You chose Tom.
No matter what bumps in the road come,
you'll handle it.
You're right, I'm just nervous.
I'm getting married.
I'm getting married.
- Que bueno!
- Well, look at you, gorgeous.
Hey.
- OK.
- Your bouquet.
Everything's set out there.
How are you feeling?
Cool, great. Perfect, Great.
- That's a lot of synonyms.
- Yeah.
Could you bring me some
water or something?
- Yeah.
- By something, I mean tequila.
- No, I assumed.
- Thank you.
So, yeah, I'm kind of the
MVP of my lacrosse team.
I'm an attorney for a petroleum company.
Word. So I bet seeing a futon in person
would be a real thrill for ya.
Uh-uh.
That's cool.
I'm an athlete, and sex can
negatively affect performance,
so try to stay away from it anyways.
What's up, man?
Let me know if you need
any jokes for the vows.
I've seen, like, every
episode of "American Dad."
Thanks, bro, but I think
I got this covered.
I'm a professional writer now.
Aren't you technically unemployed?
Aren't you technically a virgin?
Mm.
Hey, uh, I know you're
not officially open,
but could I get a shot
of tequila for the bride?
Sure. Any particular brand?
- Sarah.
- Denise.
What what are you
What are you doing here?
Catering.
Oh, right.
It's my summer job while
I'm student teaching.
- Mm-hmm.
- You?
- It's my brother's wedding.
- Wow.
So, yeah, this is so crazy.
- This is so weird.
- Yeah.
I haven't seen you since, um,
senior year, when when we
We broke up.
Right, that whole thing.
I'll take your largest beer, please.
Oh, um, we're actually not open.
And this is just for the bride.
This is also for the bride.
She told me she wanted
un grande cervezas.
No. No, no, no, no.
Why don't we head in?
The wedding's about to start.
Hey, maybe we could catch
up later, if if you
- Yeah, I do.
- OK.
- I do want to.
- OK.
All right, see you, Sarah.
Bye, Denise.
Oh, my god.
Wait, like, Denise Denise,
the girl you dated in college?
Mm-hmm, yep.
Whoa.
OK.
- This is it.
- OK.
This is it.
Mm, well, unless it's not.
Papi.
Hey, Papi, Roberto, sir.
Thank you for your daughter.
Good luck.
You look incredible.
I do.
Dearly beloved
- Oh
- What?
You good?
I mean, they said it
was just heatstroke.
As an athlete, I know
signs of poor hydration
when I see it.
Yeah, he probably
just needs to cool down.
They said they'd call us
when they're ready,
and he'll come back and marry us.
So we just wait?
Well, in three hours,
we're gonna lose this venue
to an Avatar-themed bar mitzvah.
Oh, that movie's so dank.
So, what, we're just
supposed to cancel the wedding?
We can't afford to cancel the wedding.
I just quit my job.
Oh my god, I just quit my job.
Was that a mistake?
I thought you felt good about that.
I do. I do.
I don't.
Wait, why don't you just do the party
first and the ceremony second?
Hey, buddy, uh, the adults
are talking right now.
Wait, that's actually not a bad idea.
I mean, have the reception.
And by the time it's over,
then the priest will be back.
- I mean, I don't know.
- Tom, it could work.
Everybody's already here.
And so many people
came from out of town.
No, no, no, no, look,
look, look, you know what?
We're doing a backwards wedding.
Yes!
- Tom, it's gonna to be OK.
- Yeah, it's gonna be great.
Look, as long as I'm married to
you at the end of this, then
I'm happy.
So what if it's the
opposite of everything
we planned and we're
taking advice from
- this guy.
- OK.
- OK, everybody, move.
- Yeah.
- Sarah.
- Yes.
Can you get the caterers to start early?
Sure. I'll talk to the bartender!
Just in case there's,
like, an ice situation.
Connor, think you could get
people on the dance floor?
No, I just loaded up this
Zune full of absolute bangers
for no reason.
OK.
It's gonna be great.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
No! We're not married yet.
But we've kissed many times before.
Oh, wow, well, we can serve the food,
but we're not quite ready.
So some of the courses
are gonna be out of order.
Oh, that's totally fine, 'cause out
of order is sort of the
unofficial wedding theme.
You know, I'm not supposed
to mingle with the guests.
Oh, mingling.
Is that what we're doing?
Oh, heyo, there she is.
Hi. The drinks have been great.
Thank you.
So, "Sa-rahh," since they're
doing the whole wedding
thing backwards, what say you and me
skip to the end of the date.
Oh my god.
- Uh, Denise
- It's Dennis.
What, did you get heat
stroke, there, honey pie?
Oop, b-wrapped Ds.
He means bacon-wrapped dates.
So you're dating a Dennis.
No, no, not exactly dating.
It's just that, uh,
my parents still don't know
that I'm not exactly into men.
Oh, so nothing's changed since college
when you wouldn't let
them know I existed.
- It's complicated.
- It's really not.
I should get back to work.
Oh, my god, Sarah,
you got to try this dip.
So let's put our paws
together for Tom and Marina,
just about to be married
but technically still dating.
Thanks, Dad.
Shake your money maker
And I could not be more
proud of my daughter.
And then there's Tom, who I
know would never try to start
a family in the world's
most expensive city
with a mortgage
and no steady source of income.
Because that would be crazy. Am I right?
We're all headed to the dance floor.
See you guys out there.
Yeah, you want to crank that Soulja Boy?
Yeah.
What's your screen name?
Right here, right here, right here.
OK, somebody else?
Anybody else want to get crunk?
Oh my god, I caught it!
Oh, that still counts.
Pick it up, honey.
Woo!
Well, we wanted a wedding
that nobody would forget.
No matter how hard they try.
Ah, yeah, things don't
always go as planned.
Priests collapse.
Cake is served before salmon.
They're just some bumps along the road
that we're on together, right?
Oh, sorry, I'm getting a call.
- You're gonna take it?
- It's the hospital.
Take it.
Hello?
OK.
OK. Well
let me know if anything changes.
- The priest is dead.
- What?
What up, party people?
Who wants to see me toss the B flipper?
Connor, we discussed this.
No backflips. Oh
Oh, my foot!
Not my lacrosse foot!
Ugh!
So more bumps than anticipated.
Oh, come on, this wedding is cursed.
Yeah.
Foot's definitely broken.
Athletic career is done.
Now I'll never hook up with a gymnast
in the Olympic Village.
OK, just leave your foot up, Conny.
Sarah, would you get
some more ice, please?
Sure, I'll just go talk
To the bartender.
So much for professional lacrosse.
Looks like I'm living at home forever.
I'll never get my sewing room.
Where the hell are we
supposed to find a new priest?
We have to figure something out.
We're gonna lose this venue
in the next 40 minutes.
Well, hey, I could officiate.
I'm an ordained online minister.
That's right. He married our neighbour's
Shih Tzus in the backyard.
It was adorable.
Oh, thanks, but my dad's already
upset that we're
getting married outdoors
instead of a church.
So if we don't have a
priest, he will not be happy.
Well, he's already unhappy.
I mean, he hates me.
- No, Tom, he doesn't hate you.
- No.
You know, what If he's right?
You know, what if I suck?
I make terrible choices.
I mean, quitting my job right
after we bought a house
It's like, what is that?
That's, like, insane, right?
No. I mean, maybe?
Oh, my god, this is worse
than the frickin' dog wedding.
No, Tom, where are you going?
I hope your brother's OK.
Denise, believe me, I wanted
to come out to my parents.
I did.
I I wanted to be this person for you.
I didn't want you to do anything for me.
I wanted this for you.
Well, the moment just
never presented itself.
- Sarah.
- Unless that moment is now.
How long does it take to get ice?
Two white wine spritzers, please.
Uh, Mum, I want to tell you something.
I want to tell you something.
We are planning a family
trip to Boca Raton,
and I have already invited Dennis.
- Mum.
- What? What is it?
- This is Denise.
- I know.
I can read her name tag.
Thank you, Bernice.
We should be getting back to the table.
Every time I go looking for
you, you're at this bar.
People are gonna think you're
some kind of booze hound.
Wow, loud and proud.
Yo, yo, yo, bro Montana.
What's cracking, Broseph Gordon-Levitt?
I'm sorry about your foot there.
You must be pretty salty
about the lacrosse.
I was a water polo man myself.
Oh, the lacrosse of the seas.
You know it.
But, look, it's just sports, right?
- Don't sweat it.
- Ah not for me, my dog.
Lacrosse was my only plan.
You know pro players get a
$30 meal per diem, per day?
Yeah, everybody knows that.
Well, I was gonna put that
cash towards Pokémon cards,
you know, load up on first editions,
holographics Charizards,
Snorlax, Articuno
All the legendary birds.
I figure over time
I could turn $10K into $50K,
easy, no prob.
That's a pretty solid
return there, home skillet.
And if you're looking for
a new direction in life,
why don't you holler at your boy.
There's my card.
Private equity?
I think you just might
have a brain for it.
For shizzle.
Hey.
Looks like you could use one of these.
Thanks.
I've never been a wine gal,
but today I see the appeal.
Yeah, I hear you.
It's been a day for me too.
Mm.
Want to join?
Uh, sure.
I'm gonna quit this job soon anyway.
Denise.
Marina.
Can I ask you something?
Do you believe in signs?
Like messages from the universe?
Omens, harbingers, the Zodiac,
the spirit realm, Incan Sun worship?
Yeah, why?
OK, normally I don't.
But I feel like today the
messaging from the universe
has been extra loud.
Well, the thing about signs
is that they are just signs.
They're not orders.
Ultimately, you get to decide
whatever you want to do.
What if I don't know?
I thought I was just
having pre-wedding jitters.
But now I wonder if it's more than that.
What if the person that you love
isn't the person that
you need them to be?
I've been there.
So what do I do?
Have more wine?
I like the way you think.
- Hey.
- What?
- Hey.
- Where'd you go?
Marina seemed pretty upset.
I just took a little walk.
I'm having a pre-panic attack.
It's when I start panicking
about having a panic attack.
This thing is like disaster, man.
No, it's not.
Your life is great, dude.
You're still marrying
a smoking-hot babe.
You're about to be a
best-selling author.
Come on, man, you don't know that.
No, but I believe it.
- You do?
- Yeah.
You're my big brother.
And Marina believes it too.
Otherwise, she wouldn't be marrying you.
I mean, she could have anyone.
She is like an absolute smoke show.
Yeah, no, you already said that.
Like, she's hot enough to be in one
of those German body wash
ads I keep accidentally
downloading from LimeWire.
- What?
- Yeah.
My computer is messed up.
Maybe you could start
slowing down on that.
And you get to smash that
for the rest of your life.
- Like, that's sick.
- I'm probably gonna leave
- you hanging on that one.
- I get that. I do.
Oh, OK.
Look, man, I know I
don't say this a lot, but
I've always looked up to you.
You just you know
what you want to do,
and you're brave enough to go do it.
And you know what, you're right.
I got to go.
Sarah, you need to hang on to these.
- I didn't catch it.
- Sure you did.
And it means that you
and Dennis are next.
Why do you want me
to get married so bad?
Because I want you to be happy.
You know what, Mum, uh
OK, I'm so tired of pretending.
I know exactly what would make me happy,
and it is being with
the person that I love.
And she is sitting right out there.
Marina?
- Does Tom know?
- No, no, not Marina, Mum.
The bartender.
We dated in college, and it
was actually really serious.
Oh. Well, if it was Marina,
your brother would've been crushed.
OK, wait, sorry, so so you're not
shocked that I'm gay?
Well, I'm a little
surprised, given the way
you've been throwing
yourself at Dennis all day.
But then there's the nose ring.
Mum.
- Sarah?
- Yep?
I love you.
And I'm sorry that you didn't feel you
could talk to me about this.
Mum, thank you for accepting me.
Well, I didn't say I accepted you.
I just came out to my mum.
You just came out to your mum?
- Right now?
- Yeah.
And I'm supposed to believe that?
She finally did it.
This is the third time
that has happened to me.
OK, so can we just Just start over?
You know, just pretend
that I'm some girl
picking you up at a wedding.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
I am Lulu.
- Wait, I was gonna say Lulu.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Oh, my god.
- Well, it's a sign.
- Yeah.
I guess we'll both just have to be Lulu.
I like that.
Looks like the bar mitzvah
folks are starting to arrive.
People are starting to leave.
Mijita, what do you want to do?
I don't know.
I I need to talk to Tom.
Where is Tom?
We saw him get into
a car and drive away.
So he's actually
leaving me at the altar?
I thought he was just having
one of his pre-panic attack
- panic attacks.
- Ah, mijita.
Don't worry, I won't
tell you I told you so.
- Papa.
- Not now.
I'll do it later.
Guys, wait!
I got a priest! We can get married.
Oh, my god!
Oh, I'm so sorry.
How did you do this?
You actually pulled off a miracle!
I'm so sorry. What did you do?
How did you do
I drove to the hospital
and grabbed the priest giving
last rites to the old priest.
Oh, thank you for being
the person I need you to be.
No, no, no, no, we're not married yet.
OK, people, we got about 10 minutes
until this place becomes
the magical planet Pandora,
and Josh Gerstein
becomes a man, all right?
- Let's do this!
- OK.
Yeah.
Oh, my foot!
Come on, let's move.
You still look incredible.
Mm-hmm. You too, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Dearly beloved
- No time.
Just you go.
OK, Tom, I love you.
OK, that's it. Now you go.
OK, uh, Marina, I love you too.
Whatever bumps in the road may come
Skip to the end. Go, go, go, go.
- Uh, by the power
- Just go, just go.
Et cetera, I I pronounce you kiss.
Yeah! Hey, we did it.
Wow!
Actually, you know what, Josh Gerstein's
Torah portion can wait.
Come here.
Well, Tom, you did it
Barely.
I heard you did it too.
I'm proud of you.
Thanks.
Yeah, I mean, if you
decided to just live a lie
and stick it out with the homie Dennis,
that would've been fine by me.
Dude was an absolute legend.
But glad you're living
your truth or whatever.
- That's chill, too.
- OK, thanks, Conn.
All right, let's get
Mum and Dad in there.
Sorry, could we just actually
hold on for one second.
Come here.
Oh.
Um, everyone, this is Denise.
- Oh! Hi.
- Hello, Denise.
- Hey, Denise.
- Hello.
We don't have a lot of
experience with this
sort of thing.
Although my husband did go
to an all-boys high school,
and I played a female cop
in a student film.
Oh, wow.
- This is a lot.
- Yeah, I'm so sorry.
Yeah, you have no idea.
You and I are gonna be the
only normal ones around here.
Now let's stay with
the theme of the day.
Everybody say cheese, backwards.
Ee
Esee
Well, that's it. That's the whole story.
Well, there's 47 minutes of my life
I'll never get back.
So I'm visiting my cousin,
Fabian, at the hospital,
when out of nowhere this crazy guy
comes running down the hallway
and kidnaps a priest.
Can you describe the man?
So skinny, he was almost
paper, like a real life
flat Stanley.
Did you get a good look at his face?
Hard to say.
The body of an old man
with the head of a boy.
He looked like a sculpture
of Jack Skellington
made out of frozen milk.
He was like a scared fettuccine pasta.
OK, we got it.
He was like if string cheese was a man,
- if that makes sense.
- Thank you.