I Love Lucy (1951) s03e04 Episode Script

(I Love Lucy theme music plays) Hi, dear.
I picked up the baby pictures.
Oh, let me see, let me see.
Wait a minute.
Let go.
Honey, I haven't seen them either.
Oh, honey, I don't want you to see them before I do.
Honey, we'll look at them together.
Well, all right.
Gee, I can hardly wait to see what they look like after all we went through taking them.
What do you mean "we went through"? I took them, remember.
Oh, sure, but I was the one that had to stand on my head to make Little Ricky laugh.
Oh, honey, they gave you the wrong pictures.
This is a picture of twins.
But they're both Little Ricky.
How did you manage that? Oh, it's double exposure.
It can happen to anybody.
Oh.
There's only one of him in that shot.
Yeah, but that's so blurry.
You take wonderful x-rays, dear.
Well, I can't help it if he moved.
Oh, look.
Isn't that great? Hey, I'm a pretty good photographer after all.
Oh, I'll say you are.
Oh, here's another wonderful one.
Oh, gosh! Oh, these pictures are good enough to be on the cover of a magazine.
What magazine, Body Beautiful? Oh.
Well, even professional photographers are entitled to a boo-boo now and then.
Oh, these pictures are much better than any pictures the Applebys ever took of their baby.
Well, we have an advantage over the Applebys.
Our baby's handsome.
Yeah.
Oh! Wait till they come over tonight and I show them what real baby pictures look like.
Wha-bup-bup-bup-bup- What's this about who coming over tonight? Oh, didn't I tell you, dear? No, you didn't tell me, dear.
Well, uh, Caroline and Charlie Appleby are coming over tonight.
Oh, no, they're not.
My house is in no shape for company.
You just call them right up, Look, honey tell them we can't see them tonight.
Charlie wants to talk to me about a television show, so I asked him to come over and he's going to be here at 8:00.
Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Wait till he pulls the pictures of his baby out and I let him have it with these.
(chuckles) What are you doing? We're not showing those pictures to anyone.
Why? Because of a vow that you and I made.
Vow? Yes, before we had a baby, do you remember how bored we always were when other people dragged out pictures of their little darlings and insisted that we look at them? Yeah.
And do you remember that we promised each other that if we ever had a child that we wouldn't inflict his pictures on other people.
I know, honey, but Little Ricky's not like any ordinary baby.
I mean, he's so cute that people want to see his pictures.
Yeah, I know.
Well No, now, that's what all parents think.
Now, we promised, Ricky.
Okay, but I'm not going to be very happy when Charlie starts bragging about his little brat.
Well, so long as we're not boring people with pictures of our kid Charlie wants you to do a television show?! Well, that's certainly a delayed reaction.
What kind of a show? When is it going to be? Who's going to be in it? Variety, next Thursday, and not you.
Now, Ricky, please.
Look, honey, look I'm only the master of ceremonies.
I don't hire the talent, I have nothing to do with the talent, so there's nothing I can do for you.
But if you did and you were, would you? But I don't, and I'm not.
But if you did, and you were, would you? If I did, and I were, I would.
Well, now I don't know what we said.
But I guess as long as you're not, it doesn't matter.
That's the sensible way to look at it.
Now, honey, remember we're not showing those pictures to anybody tonight.
Okay, okay.
Isn't he cute? Oh, these are wonderful pictures, Ricky.
How about that one, eh? Yeah, I like this one where he's got the baseball cap on.
He's a cutie, all right.
Hey, that's a pretty good idea for a picture, putting a baseball cap on him.
Yeah, I'll say it is.
I thought of that.
Very clever.
Look at this one here.
Oh, he took a picture of the doll we gave him.
That's his favorite doll.
And Lucy's embroidered his name on his little suit.
Yeah, Ricky, Jr.
Ricky, what are you doing with those pictures? He was showing them to us.
You promised not to show them to anybody.
Well, the Mertzes aren't anybody.
Well! Thanks a lot.
I didn't mean that.
Lucy made me promise that I wasn't going to bore people with the pictures of the baby.
Well, he's certainly not boring us.
We're his godmother and godfather.
Sure, they're the kid's godfolks.
Yeah, watch it, will you? Well, maybe it's all right for you, but nobody else, remember.
You mean you're not going to show them to the Applebys? That's right.
Oh, come on.
Oh, come on.
Now, somebody has to take them down a peg.
That's right.
Yeah.
Nope.
Oh, now, that's all they talk about.
The way they act, you'd think they invented babies.
Exactly, and we don't want to be like the Applebys.
(doorbell buzzes) There they are, honey.
Hello.
Hi, Lucy.
The Applebys.
Hi, Caroline.
How are you? Give me your coat.
Hi, Fred, Ethel.
Gee, I'm sorry we're late, but just as we walked out the door tonight, guess what little Stevie did.
Oh, yeah, it was the cutest thing you ever saw.
Tell them, honey.
Now, mind you, he's only 13 months old.
CAROLINE: Well, just as we were walking out the door, he looked up at us, raised his little hand and said, "bye-bye.
" "Bye-bye"? All by himself, bye-bye.
How about that, huh? Bye-bye.
Yeah, how about that? All by himself.
And only 13 months old, gee.
Oh, that certainly is amazing.
Is that a new dress you have on, Caroline? This old rag? Yes.
Oh, goodness, no.
Let me see, What else did I want to tell you about little Stevie darling? Um um Uh, Charlie, how's everything down at the television station? Oh, great, Rick, just great.
We've got the newest moving pictures in town.
You know, I bought a block of films yesterday, and I want to tell you that they're going to make television stars out of some of the actors.
No kidding.
Yes, sir.
Now, just remember their names- Conway Turrell and Mabel Norman.
Yeah, well, we'll catch them.
We never we always watch your television station.
Well, that's what makes a station popular- good pictures.
(gasps): Good pictures! Oh, we've got some new pictures of Stevie.
Do you want to see them? They're right here.
They're just marvelous.
You know, Charlie took them the other day on his first birthday.
Look at this one- he's trying to blow out the candle.
(lame chuckle) CAROLINE: Aw Oh, cute.
CHARLIE: Look at the little dickens.
He put his hand in the cake.
I tell you, that little Stevie's a natural-born comic.
Natural-born.
CAROLINE: Oh! Oh, this one this one is the best one of all.
The hat one.
Oh, Charlie thought of the cutest idea.
Well, you know, he's just a genius about these things anyway.
Do you know what he did? He put a baseball cap on little Stevie.
Isn't that priceless? Yeah, priceless.
Ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
(chuckles) It isn't because he's my child, Rick, but I ask you, did you ever see a baby who took a better picture? Did I, honey? No, you didn't.
I didn't.
You know, from the moment he was born little Stevie was perfectly shaped absolutely handsome.
That's right.
You know how most babies are- all red and pinched and funny-looking.
Yeah.
Say, how is Little Ricky, anyway? ALL: What? Lucy, Charlie didn't mean that Little Ricky was all red and pinched and funny-looking.
He outgrew that, didn't he? Now, you want to see a picture of a baby, look at this.
Now, there's a baby! RICKY: Look at those eyes.
Lucy! Oh, I was just on my way over to your place.
Here's some money for the cleaning.
Will you pay the man when he comes? Sure, where are you going? Oh, I just thought I'd drop by and see Caroline Appleby.
Caroline Appleby? I thought you were mad at her last night.
I was and I still am.
Well, then why are you going over there? I just decided to take Little Ricky over there and show her what a cute baby really looks like.
Oh, Lucy, honestly.
Well, I don't care.
Little Ricky's twice as handsome as that scrawny little runt of theirs.
Of course he's handsomer than their child, but you'll have to admit some of their pictures were kind of cute.
One more remark like that and you can turn in your godmother suit.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Little Ricky's wearing his brand-new outfit, but I don't suppose that interests you.
Oh, isn't he precious? As precious as little Stevie Appleby? He's ten times preciouser than that silly-looking little goon.
You may kiss your reinstated godmother.
Oh, thank you.
Put on your little hatsy.
Lucy, aren't you being kind of mean dropping in on Caroline unannounced with Little Ricky all dressed up like that? Yeah.
Oh, I see.
I guess all's fair in love and motherhood.
That's right, here we go.
Byesie-byesie.
Bye-bye, honey.
Say bye-bye, Ricky.
Bye-bye, darling.
Say bye-bye.
Say bye-bye.
(doorbell buzzes) Who is it? Lucy Ricardo.
Lucy Oh, Lucy, how nice of you to drop by.
Uh come on up.
(knock at door) Come in.
Oh, hello, Caroline.
Why, Lucy, you've got Ricky with you.
Yes, I hope we haven't come at an inopportune time.
Oh, no, I was just sitting here relaxing.
Oh.
Uh Oh, Lucy, you'll just have to forgive the mess the apartment's in.
I just haven't had a chance to do a thing this morning.
Well, that's all right.
I hope we haven't come at the wrong time for little Stevie.
He isn't sleeping or all dirty or something, is he? No, no, he's all dressed up.
As a matter of fact, I was just waiting for his grandmother to come for him.
Oh.
I'll go get him.
Oh, all right.
Take your coat off, baby.
Take your coat off, come on now.
There we go.
Now, you wait for little Stevie.
You wait for little Stevie.
Here we are.
Now say hello to Little Ricky, Stevie.
Say hello, Stevie.
There.
Say hello.
Say hello.
Oh, little sweetie.
Uh, my, Stevie's grown a lot since I last saw him.
Oh, yeah, he's really shooting up.
Oh, yes, when do you think he'll reach normal size? He's exactly the size he's supposed to be.
He just seems small to you 'cause you're so used to looking at little fatty here.
Fatty? Oh, yes.
I just love chubby, puffy little boys.
Oh, Ricky, you're going to have to go on a diet or you'll grow up to look like your mommy.
What's new, Caroline? Well Oh, say, what if I take the children and put them outside in Stevie's playpen? Then they can get acquainted.
Well, all right.
All righty.
There.
There you are.
Now, you be good little boys.
Oh! Now, what were we saying? Oh, yes, you were just asking me what's new.
Yes.
Well, I hate to sound like the doting mother, but what do you think little Stevie did today? Don't tell me he took a picture of you for a change.
No, he put two words together for the first time.
Not until today? Oh, don't tell me that Little Ricky has ever put two words together.
Why, certainly, dear.
I don't mean da-da.
Of course not.
Has he ever said, "Morning, Mommy"? In English or Spanish? He speaks Spanish? Only when he's mad.
Well, Lucy, it certainly was chummy of you to drop by like this today.
How long must you stay? Well, I hate to rush off like this, but I really must.
Oh, that is a smart suit you're wearing.
Oh, do you like it? You know I always have.
I'd like my baby, please.
Where do you keep your child's cage? Well! I just hope that little glutton of yours hasn't taught my Stevie any bad habits.
That goes double.
My little Stevie doesn't have any bad habits.
I hope he doesn't copy any of his good habits like scratching himself or peeling bananas with his feet.
Thanks for a lovely time.
You're welcome.
So I said, "Well, I hope Little Ricky doesn't copy "any of his good habits like scratching himself or peeling bananas with his feet," and we left.
Oh, Lucy, what's this going to do to Ricky's TV show tomorrow? Charlie will probably cancel the whole thing.
Oh, Ricky's going to be furious.
I know, but I couldn't help it.
I felt like a mother bear defending her cub.
Well, when you tell him, I'd hate to be in your shoes.
It's not my shoes I'm worried about.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Ethel.
Hi.
Hi.
Ethel, I come over to tell you I'm going to the market to get a chicken.
A chicken? I got one in the oven.
(gasps) Oh, I forgot all about it! Never mind, it's too late.
Is it very burned? Well, if we had three and 20 more, we could bake them in a pie.
Oh, dear.
Hey, I was just telling Fred about rehearsal for the television show.
It was wonderful.
It's going to be a great show tomorrow night.
Oh? Oh.
Uh-oh.
Well, come on, Fred.
Let's go.
Well, what's your rush? Well, we got get to the market and get a chicken right now.
Oh, all right, all right.
Oh, those two.
Uh Ricky? Yes, honey.
Uh, I was just thinking about your television show for Charlie Appleby.
I don't think that's a very good thing for you.
Not a good thing for me? Why, it's my big chance to get in my own television show.
Well, what do you want with that? Television isn't going to last.
It's just a fad.
A fad? Yeah, like flagpole-sitting or swallowing goldfish.
Lucy, what are you talking about? Well, besides, Charlie's Charlie's station doesn't come in clear.
You get all distorted.
What? Yeah, you look all funny like this.
Babalu, babalu, babalu, ay-aye.
Lucy, what are you up to? Nothing, but I just don't want you disappointed if television turns out to be a big flop.
Well, honey, thank you very much, but I'll take my chances.
Oh.
I think I'll call Caroline and see what she's doing tomorrow night.
Okay.
Oh, hello.
Oh, hello, Charlie? Oh, Charlie, this is Lucy Lucy Ricardo.
Oh, fine, thanks.
Is Caroline th? What? Oh, Charlie, that's terrible.
The cameraman? Mumps?! Oh, for heaven's sake.
And the studio's going to be quarantined? And you won't be able to make any shows there for a couple of weeks, huh? Oh, well, I'll tell Ricky (telephone rings) I'll I'll tell Ricky (telephone rings) Well (telephone rings) Hello.
Oh, hello, Charlie, this is Ricky.
Charlie, I don't But Charlie, I but Charlie, Ch Don't hang up, Charlie.
I'll explain.
That was Charlie.
Charlie who? You know Charlie who.
What did you say to Caroline? Caroline who? Oh, Charlie who's wife? Yeah.
And I don't get the job.
Well, that's show business.
You know, there's no business like show business.
Yesterday, they told you you will not go far.
Tomorrow, on your dressing room, they hang a star? Lucy, what did you say to Caroline? Nothing.
Nothing that should upset her.
I just said that little Stevie was scrawny and little and looked like a monkey.
Oh, is that all? Yeah.
What did you say that for?! What did you have to go over there for? Why don't you stay here where you belong? What are you trying to do to me? Well? I'm still working on what'd I say that for? Uno de estos dias te voy a (makes cracking sound) You wouldn't dare.
Okay, now, you started this, so you're going to finish it.
Well, what'll I have to do? You're going to get me back on that television show.
How? I don't know how, but if you dun't, All right.
I'll, I'll I will, I will, Ricky.
I'll get you back on the show.
Don't even think of what you'll do if I "dun't.
" Ahora, i¡que va! If you're romantic, chum Pack up your thoughts and come to Acapulco You put your cares in hock And throw away your clock in Acapulco Where you can be as lazy As a daisy drifting in a blue lagoon You're wide awake at night Because you do your dreaming in the afternoon.
You'll get a Latin glow way down in Mexico Below the border And in a spot like this, if you refuse a kiss You're out of order And when the moon is new, it's like a honeydew Come on and get yourself a slice And if you can't say Acapulco Then you can call it paradise.
Yeah! Look out, look out, look out.
You'll need some new huaraches When the mariachis start to play there And after you depart You know your crazy heart may want to stay there And if the moon is new, it's like a honeydew Come on and get yourself a slice And if you can't say Acapulco Then you can call it paradise And if I haven't sold you with the things I've told you Then I must repeat it twice That if you can't say Acapulco Then you can call it paradise.
(applause) Thank you.
Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
And now I have a surprise for you.
You know, most performers don't like to have babies with them in their show because they say that the babies always steal all the scenes.
But my wife found such a cute baby today, such an adorable child with such great personality, so beautiful, so intelligent, that she insisted that I put this child on the show tonight.
So now, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce to you my wife, Lucy, with her idea of the most beautiful baby in the whole wide world.
And here they are- Lucy and little Stevie Appleby.
(I Love Lucy theme music plays) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org ANNOUNCER: Caroline was played by Doris Singleton, and Charlie by Hy Averback.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
This is the CBS television network.