Ideal (2005) s03e04 Episode Script

- Will you marry me? - Oh, yes.
I'm sensing some discontentment in this house.
MARCO: Shall we pray for them? PSYCHO PAUL: Today's the day we shoot our first porno.
I'm thinking of asking China to marry us.
God, no.
Would you like your tea in bed? I am cocking furious! I sensed as much.
Nicki, I don't know why you're acting so suspicious.
I found you in another woman's bed, naked, except for a feather boa, inviting her to climb in with you! There's no need to jump to conclusions.
Do you remember our first ever row? Do you wanna get married or not? - Yeah.
- Well, you don't seem very excited about it.
Well, I've just picked the last shards of a tea pot out of me forehead, so I can't think why not.
Tell me straight.
Are you having one or more affairs? Like you used to? No, I'm perfectly innocent, ta.
Which you'll understand.
It'll just take me one minute to explain.
Okay.
You got two minutes.
And if I am not satisfied, you are gonna know about it.
Look, I've never told you this before, right? But you know Judith across the way? She's a necrophiliac.
Moz! Sorry.
Aye.
Moz, what happened? Turned the place into a big taverna.
Things got a bit out of hand.
Did Nicki do this? Was she angry 'cause she found you in my bed? Well, she definitely didn't see it as a plus point.
I did.
I thought you'd gone off me.
Sorry.
No, no.
I mean, for a while back there, I did think you'd gone all necrogogo again.
No.
Since I met you, I've lost all interest in corpses.
That is the sweetest thing anybody's ever said to me.
And I am flattered that you made the giant clay head of me.
I'm fascinated by your head.
Sorry.
Moz? Good party, was it? Nicki certainly let her hair down.
Room is full of many, many broken plates, Moz.
I'm gonna make a big mosaic.
Yasuko and I have been talking about your stag night.
Stag night? We thought we'd cook you a celebration banquet.
Great.
If you don't mind eating off magazines.
When are you and Nicki getting married? When? Well At some point.
Maybe.
Haven't exactly set a date yet.
Nicki says September 23rd.
That's right, September the 23rd.
She said she got everything booked.
September the 23rd is next week.
In many ways it is, yeah.
Come on, love, let's get off to the allotment.
I've got some new gardening twine I wanna try out.
You really have got a thing for the fiery blondes, haven't you? Yeah.
I suppose I have, yeah.
Bye, Moz.
Bye, Judith.
Oh well, I better go.
Bye.
Sorry.
We're up in the loft today.
I bought juice for break time.
Praise be.
All right, Moz.
I've come for some advice.
Hope you don't mind.
Mind? Did Daniel the Lion mind when Goliath cut off his mane? Come unto me, my son.
Can't stand the idea of Carmel sleeping with anyone else.
But she's a prostitute.
I mean, you're gonna have to cross this bridge eventually.
Why is she with this Enrique? Because he's a pimp.
What do you mean? How do you know? 'Cause They came round here yesterday to To score.
You mean, he's not her boyfriend? He's her pimp? That's cheered me right up.
- What's he like? Twat? - Twat.
I said to her, "Carmel," I said, "He may be handsome and fashionable and solvent, but he's no Colin".
I'm gonna text her.
I'll tell her there's a hole in me heart that only she can block up.
Whoa.
Girls don't like men who are all Attentive.
You go out.
See your mates.
Sink a few beers.
Have a laugh.
Then if she comes back, she'll see a man enjoying himself.
A man worth leaving a pimp for.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Go on, fella, you're still a young lad.
You've got the whole of your probation ahead of you.
All right, keep that steady.
See you, Moz.
And thanks.
Yeah, you're all right.
You know me, I'm a people personage.
Hi, hi.
Moz, Ewan.
Ewan, Moz.
Hi, hi.
Oh, isn't he scrummy? Well, he's certainly got a recognisable quality.
Please, lads, entrez right in.
I tell you, I can't wait to see the back of them builders.
I'm always glad to see the back of a builder.
Good one.
So where did you two meet then? Hall of Mirrors? We met at a chemist, didn't we? Our hands just touched.
Yeah, we were both reaching for the same tube of zovirax.
I'll just nip to the lavvy.
- I don't know what I see in him.
- The you you've never had.
Well, it's all right for you.
You found your life partner.
Hey, wedding might not go ahead.
Really? You're getting cold feet? Getting cold feet? Fella, me feet went to ice from the moment I proposed.
No return.
Would you mind? All right.
But only because you're a pathetic helpless cripple.
Hello.
Hi, hi.
I'm here to see Morris.
Come in, yeah.
Did you want a hand with your bags? They must be handsome.
- Heavy.
- No, I'm okay.
Yeah.
You are.
Hiya, I'm Luke.
I've come to cut you out of your cast.
Oh, at last.
My life can begin again.
No more lying around on me arse.
What are you gonna do? Lie around on your front? Hi, hi.
We're playing doctors and nurses, are we? Don't be flippant with the medic.
This isn't going to hurt, is it? Well, I'm afraid it is gonna be quite painful.
I'm joking.
You'll be fine.
Nice one.
Witty.
Hey, Alan, look at this.
Watch it.
That, Marco, is a wasp nest.
Shall we kill them? Wasps are God's creatures, Marco.
Why does God make wasps sting people? He doesn't make them sting.
He allows them to sting.
Why? Ours is not to reason why.
Why? Nicki.
Just in time for the floor show.
Hi, Brian, you okay? I am gorgeous, ta.
And who's this? - Ewan.
- No need to use the saw now.
Nicki can just cut my leg off with a piece of broken crockery.
Hiya, I'm Luke.
I've come to relieve your husband of his plaster cast.
Oh, he's not my husband.
You are getting married though, aren't you? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Can I see your engagement ring? It's not that sort of wedding.
Right.
You ready? Um - Hmm.
- Okay.
Whoo! I'm gonna call off the wedding.
No.
God! I've already picked out an outfit.
I've got this gorgeous shirt.
I won't say frilly 'cause that makes it sound frilly.
It's more like frillish.
Anyway, go on.
You know I found him in another woman's bed? That Judith.
And then he gave me some bullshit excuse about sneaking into her flat 'cause he thought she was a necrophiliac.
It's true, she is.
She's a body bopper.
Moz reckoned she's started up again.
I said to him, I said, "Get in there and investigate".
- What? - Yeah.
Well, it's true.
So if there's any problems, give me a call.
So when will he be well enough to take criticism? I may be wrong, but I don't know, he seems like a really sweet guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, he does.
- Bye.
- See ya.
I'm off and all.
NICKI: Nice to see you.
Are we off, then? We? Dumped.
- But Brian - Luke! I'm afraid we've hit a snag, chief.
We found an active wasp nest up in your loft.
Did you kill them? No? Because wasps are God's creatures.
Luckily, I trained at the district council.
So I'll nip and get me wasping gear.
Shall I take the spare keys? Great to get your cast off, eh? I expect you'll be straight back to work now, will you? Like a rocket, Alan.
I'm not the sort of bloke who's happy sitting around doing nowt.
What job is it you do? Me? Well, it's I I go out.
And Give people the news.
A paper round.
The Good News, that Jesus is back.
He's back and He's not annoyed about what happened last time.
It's my duty to get out there and tell folk, "Jesus wants me for a laser beam.
" - Amen to that.
- Have you got a leaflet? I'm having new ones done.
- Everything okay? - I'll say it is, petal.
The world's a better place with this lad in it.
See ya.
Happy builders build happy buildings.
How's your leg? Feel like an amateur biped.
Look at you.
You haven't even washed the wound.
Well, I thought you might wanna rub salt in it first.
Brian explained everything.
I'm sorry.
I've really been losing it recently.
Not enough sleep.
Anyway, I admit I was wrong.
Why is there never a tape recorder around when you need one? I suppose you'll wanna postpone the wedding.
Of course not.
I love you.
Moz: Good to see you smoking again.
I haven't needed any drugs.
Been so sleep deprived.
Had hallucinations a lot.
You've been getting out of it for free.
Always had it for a bargain, you.
Oh, that's really strong.
I don't think I'd better have any more.
It all goes to the breast milk, doesn't it? There's nowt worse than smoky milk.
What do you want? Come sort everything out.
Sort what out? Don't worry.
There'll be no pain.
It's only me, petal.
Right.
Right.
That's fine.
Should I say a quick prayer to settle us all down? No, ta.
We just finished a right big one before you got here.
What's that smell? Incense.
Lit it for prayer.
Frankincense and Myrrhed.
Right-o.
I am never smoking again, ever.
It's when you feel like that that you know, you're smoking really good gear: Hi, Moz.
Great to see you.
Judith, what a surprise.
- Your hair You - I've washed it.
And dyed it.
It's called "fiery blonde".
Is Nicki out? In Neverland.
Having a kip.
I was going out anyhow.
Buy some new clothes.
Lingerie, probably.
Sorry.
- Bloody hell.
Is that thing safe? - Yeah.
Nothing to worry about.
They're all nice and snoozy.
I'll bag these chaps up.
Take them out to the countryside.
The pest control officer would just leave them in a bag to die.
But I know that'd be anathema to a devout Christian like yourself.
What? He's not a Christian.
You hate wasps.
You hate Christians.
Why is she saying that? Have you been telling people you're a Christian? Nicki.
Cardiff? Is Cardiff not a bit drastic? It's only for a couple of days.
- I just need a bit of head space.
- Why? Because of the sleeplessness, and the builders, and the mess, and the noise, and the stress.
And the man with a wasp's nest for a head.
I suppose you'll You'll be wanting to postpone the wedding.
No.
Of course not.
You'll be glad to have a bit of time to yourself anyway.
No.
I'm really gonna miss you two.
I'm welling up.
You better go.
I don't want you to see me like this.
Just go.
China's not been around here, has she? Uh No.
Why? I've not seen her for two days.
She's not been around her flat.
She's not answering her mobile.
She might have, you know, moved on.
- Moved out? - No.
I mean, moved on emotionally.
Who are you? Trisha? She hasn't moved on.
Me and China, we're like swans.
Pigeons.
You've got beaks? We're gonna mate for life.
Sounds exhausting.
I'll tell you what.
You build a big bifter, and I'll have a quick wazzle.
Stemroach.
Nice to see you.
STEMROACH: You gonna let us in or what? Let you in? Yeah.
Of course.
I think you know China.
Moz: Hiya.
- I see you've moved on.
- Hiya, Moz.
How's your leg? Still can't face me pogo stick.
I'm gonna turn China into a porn star.
They put on a good show.
Her and that Carmel.
Cartoon Head made a big splash and all.
I've got proper plans for China.
Softcore.
Hardcore.
Girl-on-girl.
Threesomes.
Foursomes.
More-somes.
It's nice keeping busy, innit? You know who China was seeing before I rescued her? Prince William? That mate of yours, the copper.
You mean the police con-stab-able.
I don't get it.
Oh, right.
'Cause she stabbed him.
Nice one! So, uh What brings you around here? Two things, Moz.
Firstly, I wanted to say thanks for letting us film in your bathroom.
Yeah, well, as long as you don't do it again.
Secondly, we'd like to do it again.
Yeah, well I'd rather By the way, Moz, Paul has something for you.
Sorry, Morris, I didn't mean to terrify you.
Our first two pornos.
Plain Women in Wet Flares, volume 1.
And the one we shot in there.
It's called A very Dirty Bathroom.
Moz doesn't need to see it.
You're making me blush.
Bit late getting coy now, innit? Well, I just feel weird about friends seeing it.
I don't mind complete strangers watching me.
I'm a stranger.
Can I get a copy? Come on, lads.
Were you not gonna tell us then? Eh? Were you not gonna tell us? About China dumping us for Stemroach.
I just found out now, same as you did.
And you knew she was making porn films in your loo.
Didn't mention that, did you? I was picking me moment.
And I asked you if China had been here.
And you said no.
And that's lying to a policeman.
I didn't want to upset you.
All I do is try and make other folk happy.
I sell them a bit of weed, and tell them what they want to hear.
Now if that makes me a criminal, you go ahead and slap me in irons.
Why did you let him do it? Why didn't you stand up to him? Says the man who spent tonight's meeting crouched under a duvet.
You don't turn down Stemroach.
Besides, nobody forced China into it.
She wants to be a porn star.
You know how promiscuous she is.
It's about the only transferable skill she's got.
Fella, you've got to forget her.
I might forget, but I'll never forgive.
No, hang on.
No.
No, I can't do neither.
God, this is awful.
Awful.
You like that, baby? Yeah.
MOZ'S VOICE ON RECORDER: We're not in.
NICKI ON PHONE: Hiya, Moz, it's me.
I know you're sat there listening, so pick it up.
Yes, more.
NICKI: Pick it up.
It's like living with Derren bloody Brown.
- Hi, Nicki.
- What kept you? I was so worried about you, I fell asleep.
Yust letting you know we arrived here okay.
It's lovely to be able to just chill.
Get a bit of perspective.
Yeah.
Won't be surprised if you were already thinking of postponing the wedding.
No, don't worry about that.
I best go.
There's somebody at the door.
Blow a raspberry on Sanjeev's tummy.
And give your mum a Chinese burn.
Good night.
Christ on a bike! Alan? Praise be, you're all right.
I thought you'd look a lot worse.
How? It could have been radioactive wasps.
And you'd have been mutated.
Developed compound eyes, and loads of legs.
- They said they could have killed me.
- What? The wasps did? The doctors.
I can't pretend that I'm not very angry, Moz.
Yeah.
Don't it say in the Bible, "Thou shall not bear big grudges".
Whereabouts in the Bible were you thinking? Chrysanthemums.
- Corinthians? - Yeah.
- No.
- Sure.
Yes.
Bible definitely tells us we should turn the other cheek.
Oh, God.
You're not a born-again Christian, Moz.
All this time, you've been taking the mick.
Poking fun.
It was Telling me folk come round here for spiritual advice.
You liar! Hey, Moz.
Tell you what, that advice you give me, magic, mate.
Magic! Well Perhaps good advice is the closest thing we have to magic.
- Fancy a beer? - Definitely, come on in.
Oh, looks like one of me flock needs me again.
You lied to me.
You lied to yourself.
And you lied to God.
I don't believe in favouritism.
Oh, yeah.
Baby.
Moz: I can tell that you're angry.
But, look, I don't honestly think now is the best time to discuss it.
Not while you're so full of venom.
Soz.
We'll talk about this another day.
You'll be talking about it on Judgement Day.
Awful.
Like that.
Yes, just like that.
Might you prefer, Plain Women in Wet Flares? I'm on probation.
You're welcome to share me bath.
- Tub time? - Okay.