In Living Color (1990) s03e04 Episode Script

Hi.
I'm the Reverend JesseJackson.
As children, many of us learn to read.
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.
through the collection of Dr.
Seuss books.
Stories like The Cat in the Hat.
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.
Horton Hears a Who,Hop on Pop.
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.
Green Eggs and Ham and How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
They were all fine for little white children.
But the young black inner-city child.
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.
has never had a book upon which he could look.
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.
and find someone of his kind.
La da dee, la da da.
La da dee, la da da.
That is why I am offering these.
JesseJackson's Children's Books.
For just 49.
95, you'll get stories from the street.
Stories like Horton Hears a Ho.
"I know there's a ho who's down there.
"And what's more, I'm sure there's two or three or even four.
"A whole family of hos that hos to survive.
Don't be like a ho.
Keep hope alive.
" Your children will have hours of fun.
.
.
as they learn important stories about life.
Other books in the collection are: The Crackhead in the Hat.
The Grinch Who Stole My Stereo.
Hop on Cop.
And my personal favorite, Green Eggs and Gubment Cheese.
"I will not eat green eggs and gubment cheese.
"I will not eat it because it makes me wheeze.
"I will not eat green eggs and gubment cheese.
Because it keeps me from going to the toilet with ease.
" [Announcer.]
To order JesseJackson's Children's Books.
.
.
send 49.
95 to.
.
.
Order now.
- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another one of thosefunky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believebut some of the best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go The food here looks great.
I just hope the service matches up.
Hey, mon! [Announcer.]
It's time once againfor the wacky antics.
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of America's hardest workingWest Indian family, the Hedleys.
All right, you good people, here's your meal.
We got your main dish.
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your side dish, your radish on a dirty dish.
And your album Bangla-dish.
And from newly released on tape, Soapdish.
- Where is my lazy boy, Byron? Byron, get out here, boy! - [Dishes Clatter.]
Pop, hold your gnarly things.
Now I'm the coat-check boy, the car-park boy.
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the boy in the hood, Chef Boyardee, the busboy.
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and I just got off the bus with Buster Douglas.
Well, you better bust a move and see what these people are having for dessert.
Oh, I think I'll just have some fruit.
We don't have no fruit here, you pasty rice cake.
I do.
Hey, mon, what do you think you're doing, Bruce Lee, selling fruit to my customers here? I no mon, I Wan.
I Sam Wan.
Own Wan Family Korean Fruit Stand.
This'a wife, Annie Wan.
This our son, No Wan.
This our dog, Obi Wan.
Look at that ugly, little mangy dog.
What kind of lazy dog is that? Dog is watchdog, Seeing Eye dog, mouse dog.
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and when dog get old, he meat on stick.
He work'a hard.
We all work'a hard.
We hardest working family ever.
Don't ever say that around here.
We the hardest working family.
And don't be selling no fruit to my customers.
Sure, I sell the fruit.
It's a free country.
It's a free sidewalk.
Free Nelson Mandela.
He already free, mon.
See? It's all working out great.
Where my baby-maker Hilda? Hilda, get out here, woman.
Hey, mon.
What you be calling me out here for, Godfrey? You know I got many, many things to be doing.
I got to be the waitress.
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his mistress, the hostess with the mostess, the maître d'.
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I serve the tea and look at me, I'm Heavy D.
You stop'a rappin' and look it here.
We got a man over there selling fruit to our customers.
Too bad for you, smokey-head, hemp-toking Rasta people.
Wan sell'a vegetable, dairy product.
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small electrical appliance and novelty item.
Got Teenage MutantNinja Turtle T-shirt.
Wash it twice, you got'a Mutant Turtle hand puppet.
Good deal at the lowest price.
Wan family also have one-dollar battery pack.
Look at that, mon.
That's a cheap battery.
It wouldn't last a half hour.
Half hour too long to listen to music.
Time to get back to work.
Hello.
Good to see you.
It's a nice day to buy flower at the lowest price, no? Hold on right there now.
I'm gonna tell you something.
The Hedleys sell the freshest flowers at the lowest price around here.
We sell day-old flower.
Whole bunch, five dollar.
We sell three-day-old flower, two-dollar for a bunch.
I got week-old flower.
- Two bunch, dollar.
- Aha.
We got you there.
Every customer leave our restaurant.
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with a basket of old, dead, dry leaves, absolutely free.
Look, Yoko Ono, I don't want your flowers.
All I want is some coffee to go.
I sell a hot steaming cup of coffee, 50 cents.
Hilda, get that man a fresh cup of the finestJamaican bean, only 48 cents.
- Best'a coffee in the world come directly from my brother.
- Who that? He one Wan you haven't met.
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Wan Valdez.
Mon, they went a long way for a joke, don't you think? - I think so.
- I think so, mon.
Well, this family here not gonna be outworked by that family.
Nobody outwork the Hedley.
If they gonna be open 24 hour.
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.
- we gonna open 25.
- How you gonna do that, mon? I don't know, but we gonna work on it.
[Together.]
Hey, mon, got to get to work.
[Announcer.]
Join us again for anotherepisode of Hey, Mon, with the Hedleys.
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the second-hardest workingfamily in America.
[Reggae.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Hawaiian.]
Oh, Lyle, Hawaii would be great for our honeymoon.
Yeah, baby, but it's too expensive.
We can have a real good time in Inglewood.
- Inglewood? - Yeah, you know, 'cause all we gonna be doing is.
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Lyle! Did I hear someone say "knocking boots"? Got a honeymoon suite with your name on it, my brother.
And the price is "ri-zite," because.
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[Both.]
Budget vacations are us.
Let me do a quick intro.
My name's Clavell.
- And I'm Howard Tibbs III.
- And we are.
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.
[Both.]
Funky Finger Productions.
Bringing you a little something to make you go.
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.
- [Both.]
Hmm.
- You know, Arsenio stole that from me? - Say what? - Damn skippy.
Now, I know Billy Crystal did that little home on the range, City Slicker kinda thing.
- Is Billy in town? 'Cause you know he hasn't called me.
- What? Look, I don't wanna spend my honeymoon with some cows.
- Yeah, man, we ain't interested.
- Well, whoa, nellie, partner.
You don't have to be interested, brother.
All you have to do is just buy.
Now, for the nominal fee of, uh, 62.
95.
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.
You and the lovely bridette can spend two fun-filled days at Round Rump Ranch.
- Yeah! - [Neighing Like A Horse.]
[Sputtering.]
Now look here, home-cookin'.
That price includes a cabin right on the shores of Boodie Bay.
Boodie Bay? Isn't that a landfill? Well, it may stink all to be damned, but the scenery is smokin'.
Honey, let's go.
A'ight? Uh, oh, Howie, they're looking like they're trying to hit the old dusty trail.
Uh, better pull out the heavy ammo.
Just give 'em a taste.
Got to pay for the rest.
[Laughing.]
[Imitating Guitar.]
Bam! Now, I promised Delroy and them from the Gap Band.
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- that I'd thank them for the use of the threads.
- Charlie too.
- Thanks, y'all.
- Just yell action.
I'll sell the rest.
You know, we're just scallywaggin' and lollygaggin'.
Here we go.
"A ccionay.
"Put the quarter in, homey.
Bow-wow-wow, yippee-yo, yippee-yay.
What a vacation.
You're gettin'wild.
Uh-oh, I see we got some buffalo.
- Oh, shuffle off to Buffalo.
[Laughs.]
- And a little filly too.
Oh, shucks, time to rope me a filly.
- Whoa, baby.
Now, hey, don't get too.
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- Ride 'em, cowboy.
Oh, my goodness.
Lord have mercy.
You know, I had a dreamabout us, baby.
I was in heaven,and we were both butt naked.
Even sisters be trippin' on the straight up.
- You all right, homey? - I think she done went buck wild.
Hold up.
Let me get a picture.
- I'll meet you at the stop sign.
- We outta control here.
- Hold on.
Hold on! - Bam! This is ridiculous.
Honey.
Uh-oh, sounds like their engagement done throwed a heel.
Well, let's at least give you a brochure.
You know, I'm fresh out.
Howard.
Comin' outta the gate, Clavy.
Ride 'em, cowboy.
- Here he comes.
- [Yelling.]
[Laughing.]
You all right? I'm cool, man.
Bam! - Hey, man, that's a blank piece of paper.
- Man, why don't you just chill? That's where we're gonna put the pictures when we get 'em back from the Fotomat.
Uh, let's get outta here.
You know, honey, Inglewood sounds real good.
- Hey.
Hey, man, I will bust a cap in your.
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.
- Don't.
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.
Don't.
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Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, didn't he say Inglewood? - Yeah.
- Yeah, don't we have a two-day thing.
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- going with my cousin Boodrow? - Yeah, I remember that.
Don't Arsenio Hall look like that dude? What's his name? Uh, Meshach Taylor, but with much more booty.
[Hawaiian.]
[Hip-hop.]
[Ship's Horn Blares.]
[Reggae.]
Honey, do you smell something burning? Hmm, it smells like bacon.
- Oh, my God, John, look! - [Sizzling.]
- Mister, are you okay? - Who me? [Laughs.]
Never better.
Just trying to take advantage of that hole in the ozone.
Put some color in my cheeks.
You're burned! Well, that's nice of you to notice.
Fire Marshal Bill Burns.
Nice to meet ya.
This is my wife, Ashley.
How you folks doing? Say, uh, Bill, you wanna get my back? Anything for you, my little charcoal briquette.
Ah, there you go.
She loves this new nonstick formula.
Well, I think I'll give this little tug a looky-loo.
- Check for safety violations.
- Oh, but, Bill, it's our vacation.
Baby, disaster has a real good travel agent.
See ya.
Uh, Bill.
Have you got a light? Coming right up, hot stuff.
Put another shrimp on the barbie, baby.
Say there, son, did you know that deep-sea fishing.
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is the number one cause of cruise ship casualties? Let me show you something.
Let's just say there's a shark warning.
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and you've just taken a bath in a bucketful of fish guts.
A typhoon hits the boat.
You're knocked over the side.
Before you know it, feeding frenzy! Fire Marshal Bill, it's a great white! - [Shark Roars.]
- So it is.
Fire Marshal Bill! You got him, Fire Marshal Bill! Cheer up, son.
We got ourselves a trophy fish.
- Doesn't it hurt? - Are you foolin'? - Hold this, lady.
- [Woman Screams.]
My body is completely numb.
I haven't felt pain.
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since I stopped that lava flow at Mount Pinatubo.
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with my face! Excuse me, son.
Hey, hold it right there, grandma.
Just what the heck do you think you're doing? [Chuckles.]
I'm just having a drink.
Well, you better be extra careful.
Drinkin' on the deck of a cruise ship can be fun.
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but it can also be very, very d-deadly.
Say you've got your piña colada in one hand.
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and a beakerful of hydrochloric acid in the other.
You're strolling on the upper deck.
Somebody says, " Hey, look, Captain Stubing's pukin' over the side.
" You forget which is which.
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.
[Yelling.]
[Screaming.]
[Snorting.]
Are you all right? [Yells.]
Well, I won't be singing with Domingo.
Thank you, Fire Marshal Bill.
You never can be too careful, ma'am.
Why don't you stick around for my next demonstration? Attention! Attention! Can I have your attention? This next safety tip could prevent imminent disaster.
Now, just for the sake of argument.
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let's say they saved Hitler's brain.
And he's masterminded a plot to blow this ship to kingdom come.
You're having a birthday party on the boat.
One of Hitler's Nazi bakers hands you a birthday cake made out of plastic explosives.
Quick, into the lifeboats! The ship's gonna blow! Everybody, remain calm.
I am a fire marshal.
First, you extinguish the fuse like so.
Then you merely dispose of your explosive little friend in the nearest trash receptacle.
You idiot, that's not a trash receptacle.
Okay, smart guy.
[Laughs.]
Where does it lead to then? - The engine room! - Oops.
[Ship's Horn Blares.]
[Water Sloshing.]
[Sighs.]
Sometimes I think I'm just wasting my breath.
Look, a ship! We're saved! Hold it right there, son! Is that a flare gun you got there? These things can be extremely dangerous.
Especially in a lifeboat filled with gasoline.
- Ashley.
- Gotcha, Bill.
Let me show you something! Straight from chill city, Uniondale.
Straight from chill city, Uniondale.
Strong Island.
Put your hands together for Leaders of the New School.
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singing "Teachers, Teach Us.
" Peace.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
[Rap.]
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[Ends.]