Inside Amy Schumer (2013) s03e04 Episode Script
I'm Sorry
Furmanski Beer.
Hey.
Uh, what was-- What was that all about? Uh, what do you mean? I'm sorry, were you flirting with that beer? Uh, I don't know, kind of? Okay.
Why would you do that? I was thirsty, so I guess I was checking out the beer.
Yeah, but you-- you seem excuse me, I apologize.
You seemed, like, turned on by it.
Oh! Oh, you thought I was looking at you.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, you're not a beer! No.
She didn't get it.
No.
Yeah, I mean, it was sweating, in like, that way, right? It seemed like it was into me, so Well, I was into you.
Well, I can't open your head with a lighter.
So, you, like, actually wanna have sex with your beer? Yeah, I hadn't thought it all the way through, but Yeah, still sorta thinking it through.
That'd be amazing! Yeah, I mean, I wish there was a beer I could (bleep).
Dick Hole beer.
Finally, a beer you can (bleep).
Have you ever felt attracted to a beer? Like, a Blue Moon? I mean, you brought up Blue Moon, I just Oh, what do you like more? - Getting drunk or having sex? - Having drunk sex.
- Really? - Yes.
Have you ever had Ambien sex? Is that with like lights and shit? I don't remember.
Ah! All right! Okay, we are all in for a big treat.
Our next guest is making her starring debut in Baz Luhrmann's musical remake of "Blade Runner".
This is also her first time on our show.
Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Amy Lake Blively! Thank you! Oh, my goodness.
Oh, wow! Wowie, wowie, wowie, wowie.
That's you, right there, right there.
That's your cup, that's you.
Wow, what a great crowd.
Wow, Amy, you look stunning! Thank you.
Cliffley, I'm so excited to be here.
Oh, really? Yeah, you look excited.
Does she look excited? She look excited? No, this is my favorite TV show.
- Oh, really? - My absolute favorite TV show.
I've been watching this since I was, like, 16.
So, like, two years ago? Stop it! Stop it! I have to just tell you, I'm, like, a little nervous, because I have always had the biggest crush on you.
Hold on, I need to call my wife.
Uh, Darflyn, it's over.
Ah-ca-clank! Err, kink! Huh, gaa! Seriously, that dress, that dress! - No.
- Look at the dress.
Give me a break.
Oo-hoo-hoo, no! No, I feel so awkward in it, I don't even know how to sit, like, look.
I don't know-- I sat down, I was like, I don't even know how to sit in it.
I don't know.
I don't know how to sit.
How do I sit? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
- But no, I am like such a tomboy.
- Oh, yeah? I usually just wear, like, sweatpants if I'm home, or my favorite team's jersey.
- Mm-hmm? - Or I'm naked, I'm just-- Uh-oh! Liftoff! Yo, Darflyn! Am I right? Yo! I'm sorry, it is so cold in here.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I just-- I have this thing that's like very unique to just me.
- Uh-huh? - Where I'm always cold.
Uh-huh? I was voted in high school "Most Cold".
Wow! Would you like my jacket? Ohh! Really? Should I give her my jacket? Should I give her my jacket? - Should I give her my jacket? - Give it to her! Should I give her my jacket? Should I give her my jacket? - You are such the best gentleman! - I'll give you my jacket.
There we go, there we go.
It's so big on me.
Just like Where'd she go? "Chivalby" is alive and well here.
Unfortunately, so is Darflyn, hey-o! Yo, Darflyn, I just got you a necklace, hello! So, I understand you just had a birthday.
- Is that, uh? - Oh, yes, that is so true.
Okay, this is such a funny and interesting story.
So, me and all my girlfriends went to a nature preserve.
- Mmm.
- In Fiji.
- It's an island! - Everybody has to go.
You can afford it! So, they have these underprivileged dolphins.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, this one dolphin, Windy, one day we just, like, locked eyes and he just, like, went down on me.
Now, did that, uh, make your boyfriend jealous? My boyfriend-- Yeah, right.
The only man in my life is my labradoodle Eva Braun.
Aw, pretty name.
I'm told my idea of a perfect evening at home is just, like, staying at home and just, like, baking for my best girlfriends, and just, like, reading comic books.
That's why I'm so excited - Yeah.
- about Baz's "Blade Runner", because I've always been a huge sci-fi freak.
I am, like, so embarrassed to tell you guys this, but my favorite movie ever, like, my favorite movie of all time-- This is so embarrassing, is "Star Wars".
You know what that means! Looks like someone in the audience is the winner of our Dannon Yogurt sweepstakes.
We'll be right back.
Hello, desert? Get ready for Darflyn's body.
Click! - You good? - Did you finish? Uh, mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
All right, I'm gonna pee so I don't get a UTI again.
- Wait.
- What? - Risk it.
- All right, forget it.
My heart wasn't really in it anyway.
Did you like that? What? Sex.
It was great, you were great.
- What was your favorite part? - During it.
Come on.
Come on, come on, be specific.
Did you like when I was caressing your rear? And licking your nipples? Yeah, that was great.
But we, like, just did it, you know? We, like, just did it, so I'm gonna-- I'm gonna-- - Hold on, Speedy Morales.
- It's Gonzalez.
No, it's not.
Morales-- It's that Mexican mouse.
Do you know what my favorite part was? - Nope.
- When you were gripping my hips as you were receiving all of me.
Okay, oh, my God, stop talking, okay? I am so drunk on you right now.
Can you-- Can you smell us? - Ew, no! - Can you smell? - Smell! - Oh, my God, no, stop! Don't talk about it, all right? We aren't ourselves when we have sex.
We were animals then.
We enter a silent contract that we won't talk about what we do in here.
How do you like it? "Oh, 'member when I was on top and you were making this face?" Oh, oh.
Yeah, I love that.
That's the face I thought I was making.
Why are you so embarrassed about this? I wanna tell the whole world at how wet I got you! Stop recapping! Stop recapping, all right? It's not cool.
It's not right, all right? It makes me feel so exposed.
If we're gonna talk about it, then what's the point of filming it? Yeah, where do you want me to cue it up from, chief? The shuddering? Play it back from when I was making this face.
Oh, my God, I definitely have a UTI.
Can you ask him to get me cranberry juice? Why don't you ask him for cranberry juice? He's right there.
Can I have a cranberry juice? Have you ever had a guy talk dirty to you, but after sex? Like, he talks about what just happened? - Yeah.
- What happened? It's kinda creepy.
- Right? - It's like, it happened already.
Why are you still talking about it? Thank you! Did you ever film yourself having sex? No.
- Do you think I did ever? - Probably.
Do you know where that footage is? Uh no, but I'd like to find it.
Me too.
Today's panelists are the top innovators in their respective fields.
Dr.
Amy "Schmer" is one of the lead scientists behind prenatal neuropeptides and their effects on memory and learning.
Yes, that's correct.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
Is this-- am I supposed to say something? Oh, um it's an honor to be here.
Great, Professor Sasha Baron is a Nobel Prize winner in chemistry.
"Meegan" Joleep is Pulitzer Prize winning-- I'm sorry, it's Megan.
And lastly, Christine Benning built and opened a school for child refugees in Rwanda.
Sorry, uh, it's not child refugees, it's actually child soldiers.
Sorry, I'm so annoying.
Sorry, you go, go.
You know what? Sasha, let's start with you.
Yes, I'd love to.
I invented a solar-paneled water filtration system that-- Sorry.
Um, that's portable and lightweight.
- Um-- - Do you need some water? Yeah, sorry, thanks, that'd be great.
But if you can't, no worries, don't worry about it.
You know what, why don't we just come back to you? Sorry.
Uh, Amy, can you give us a little background on the research you're involved with? Uh, absolutely.
I, uh, well Oh, thanks so much.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
- I'm so sorry, I just thought that, uh - Please, you're-- yeah.
Oh, you know, can I actually have a water? Sorry, I'm just allergic to caffeine.
Please, go on.
No, it's-- Please, I-- Just a water would be great, thanks.
Sorry, I feel like I'm being such a diva.
You know what, just for time, I think we'll take an audience question.
Sir, in the back? Yeah, my question's for the first broad there.
You do Pepcid shit, right? Oh, I work with neuroprotective peptides.
- So, our team-- - What? Um Forget it, I thought you could help me with my stomach and-- whatever.
I'm sorry, I should have made it more clear.
You're in pain, you want me to get you something for your stomach? Yeah, that'd be nice.
Yeah, I'm gonna run out.
Does anybody need anything, or? - No, sorry.
- No? Okay.
Amy, why don't you just stay here? I mean, we can send someone out, but you're part of our panel, so - Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
Miss, you had a question? Yeah, I was actually just-- ooh, sorry.
Um, I was wondering what advice you would give to yourself if you could talk to yourself-- Uh, sorry-- as a-- as a college freshman? Um Sorry.
I'll just quickly say Definitely you just have to believe in yourself.
You're a special person, and you deserve to be in this world just as much as the next person.
You've got it, and you've got it going on.
Sorry, I hated that, I'm sorry.
I wish I hadn't said that, I'm sorry.
Never mind, I'm just-- I'm gonna quit-- I'm gonna quit school.
I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, sorry.
Sorry, is this coffee? Mike, she wanted a water, not a coffee.
Can you get her some water instead? - This is my fault.
- You know what? Would any of you ladies like a coffee? I'm sorry, I-- Yeah, I don't want it to go to waste.
Yes, I'll take it.
Thank you.
Yipes! Sorry! Ohh! I'm sorry, oh God! No, no, I-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento.
I'm sorry, I'm dying, I've ruined everything! It's all my fault.
Whoops.
Okay, actors, if we could get you on your marks, that'd be great.
That's it for looks.
Okay, so, pizza boy, - we got you right here.
- Yes.
Dad, you're here.
- And, Mom, you know you land here.
- Right.
You hear the doorbell ring, open the door.
- Pizza boy - Right.
"Did anyone order a family-style - Family-style pizza? - pizza?" okay.
You say, "Welcome home.
Mom, why don't you greet me like that?" - And that's it.
We got it? - Got it.
- Sure thing, chief.
- We're good? Okay, great.
- You got it, you're the boss.
- Let's shoot a commercial.
- Roll cameras.
- Sound speed.
Scene one, take one.
And action.
Did someone order a family-style pizza? Welcome home! How come you don't-- Holy shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, cut, cut, cut, cut! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What, what, what? - What's up? - Hey.
- Let's get these up, huh? - What? Let's get these up.
- What, make it sexier? - No.
- Make it sexier, or? - You don't need to make it sexy.
It's a pizza commercial.
Just say the line.
Ohhhhh.
I'm sorry, captain, I see, I see.
Let it build.
Let it build, yeah? - Okay, just - All right, all right.
Just say Places, everyone.
- Places, everybody.
- You don't need to say that.
All right, guys, um, roll camera.
- Scene one, take two.
- Mark it.
- And-- - And Action.
Did someone order a family-style pizza? Welcome home! Oh, my God! Jesus! Whoa, cut, cut! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's up, too hot, too hot? - I'm sorry.
- What, make it sexier? - No, no, no, not sexier.
- Sexier? Sexier? Hotter? - Hotter? Hotter? - You don't need to make it hotter.
It is a pizza commercial, okay? - Make it hotter.
- That is not what I'm saying.
- All right? - Make it sexier? There's nothing sexual about this.
This is not a porn, Doug.
- It's not a porn.
- It's not a porn, okay? - Ohhh, right, right, right, right.
- This is just a pizza ad.
What the "f" is with this guy? This is really creeping me out.
Okay, um, Doug used to be in pornos, okay? Thousands and thousands of them, okay? Yeah, I knew I knew this guy.
He's Doug Saint Hammer! Star of "The Brown Mile", "12 Queers of Gay", "Blackhawk Brown", and "Entourage".
This guy's a legend! He's been (bleep) more than anybody.
Okay, um, so we're just gonna be patient with him and just roll with it, 'cause we have nobody else.
- Hey, captain, captain? - Yep? - Can I talk to you a second? - What's up, Doug? Um, when-- when do I start sucking all the "d"s? There's no-- there's no "d"s, uh, sucking today.
It's a-- It's a pizza commercial.
So, cut out the middle man and go straight to anal? No, uh, Doug, there's no-- There's absolutely no sex in this scene.
- It's a-- it's a-- - Why? Because it's a pizza commercial.
I got it-- pizza, pizza, I'm good, I'm good.
- Okay, great.
- I only have one last question.
- One last question.
- Yeah, what's going on? - When does the mom knuckle-dust me? - That's not - When does the mom knuckle-blast me? - I'm sorry, excuse me.
- This is gross, this is, like, totally.
- I understand.
This commercial is my big break, and I am not gonna have it ruined - by some husk of a pervert, okay? - No way.
I understand what you're saying.
She's right, I am a husk of a pervert.
You're right.
When I got to Hollywood in the '70s, I was-- You know, I just wanted to be an actor.
I was a kid with a head full of dreams and pants full of donkey (bleep).
I was broke and desperate.
This dude at a bowling alley said, "Hey, man, you wanna make some money acting?" I said, "Yeah, man.
" At first, it was a way to pay the bills, and I figured I'd always get back to real acting.
Then I lost my wife and my child, at the mall.
That's when I turned to crank and Kahlúa.
- You know, Mexican Russians? - Yeah.
Now, I'm just a broken down woodsman who thought he could act.
Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be out in the parking lot, plying my trade.
Ten dollars to look at it, five to watch me jerk it, $3.
50 to spit on my hand, a dollar for a sniff.
But close your eyes, 'cause as I mentioned, it's ten to look at it, so You know, it's an honor system, there's no peeking or anything-- Doug, wait, come back here.
Guys, what do you say we do one take Doug's way? - Wait, what? - Let's shoot one Doug's way.
Everybody's in, right? - Yeah.
- I don't know what to say.
Just say yes, man.
Doug.
Doug, Doug.
All right, let's go, let's go! - Roll cameras! - Get on your mark.
Scene one, take three.
And action! - Did someone order a pizza? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
- Porn.
- Oh, yeah.
I didn't even ask anything yet! Don't worry about it, it's fantastic.
Do you ever, like, wonder what happens when the porn stars age out? I follow a lot of porn stars on Twitter, and they retire.
So, they're like, "Today's the big day, my last time I have to get (bleep) for money.
" Cash in the 401k.
- They get a 401k? - Yeah! Is that slang for like when 401 people (bleep) on your eyes? I think so.
- So, Vin, you are a gigolo.
- I am.
I have so many questions for you, that I'm-- my head's almost exploding.
First of all, how much? First off, I don't get paid to have sex.
What do you get paid to do? Uh, I'm only paid for my time and companionship, that's it.
Um, okay, so how much to "spend time with you", where your penis is in my vagina? How much? How much? This is me So, I've got a two-hour minimum.
- Okay? - Right? What's the longest a client's ever booked you for? Five days.
- Do you ever have sex with guys? - No.
- Ever? No? - No.
How 'bout for - No.
- They just blow you.
For 50 grand? Mm-hmm.
If the offer was on the table, I'd think about it.
Okay, cool.
Dan, it's a go! Um, has anyone ever paid you to go to the movies with them? Um, Celine Dion concert.
There isn't enough booze in the world to get me over how sad I am right now.
She had been waiting, she said two years, to see Celine.
Stop talking.
She is-- She cried.
- And then I cried.
- You didn't cry! I-I-- there was a tear.
How many people's hearts have you broken? And by hearts, I mean hymens.
I think I've only been with three virgins, so-- - Okay, yeah.
- In my life.
One was professionally, so she actually hired-- She was like, "I wanna get it done with.
" Yeah.
That's-- I wish I had done that.
My first experience She was in her 40s, though.
I don't think you wanna Can we have another? How long have you been a professional? Well, I guess I can thank The Container Store.
This story is not gonna be interesting.
- It's pretty interesting.
- All right, let's hear it.
Okay, so one day, me and a buddy, we got some smoothies, we're hanging out at 3rd Street Promenade sitting in front of The Container Store.
Woman comes out, she says, uh, "Hey, you guys look like you're strong.
"Could you help me carry this stuff to my apartment, and organize my closet?" But, turns out, organizing her closet actually meant (bleep)ing the shit out of her.
And as we left she gave us - a little bit of money, so-- - For helping with the stuff.
Yeah, for getting her organized, you know? Okay.
So, uh a few weeks later, same thing, smoothies.
I'm like, "Why don't we sit in front of The Container Store?" Wouldn't you know it? Another woman comes up.
She says, "Oh, hey, I bought some stuff, too.
Could you help me organize my closet?" So, we went and we-- We organized her closet, and she paid us and-- Wait, you also organized her closet.
Yeah, we actually - We kind of-- - How did you organize it? Like, what did you put together? It was like, shelves, it had a shoe rack, which was pretty cool.
- It slid out.
- That's cool, yeah.
It's convenient for getting shoes.
And she needed it, her closet was-- - It was a mess? - It was-- no, it was tiny.
- Oh.
- And, you know, those two ended up coming back.
They came back.
But you get there, the closet's already organized.
- What do you do? - Just (bleep) 'em.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
So, come to find out that, like, this was actually happening all over L.
A.
There were groups of guys who had learned about the situation.
And so, we figured, like, there's got-- You'd form a union just by saying so.
Right, so, we did, and we called it the Organization of Retail Gigolos-- ORG.
So, I started this blog, and the rest is history.
Ah ah Um you're right, and I was wrong.
I'm a dumb bitch, this is beyond interesting.
I know you're leaving town, but my closet is a mess.
I'm just a broken down woodsman who thought he could act.
Well It's so easy.
Mmm, magic.
Hey.
Uh, what was-- What was that all about? Uh, what do you mean? I'm sorry, were you flirting with that beer? Uh, I don't know, kind of? Okay.
Why would you do that? I was thirsty, so I guess I was checking out the beer.
Yeah, but you-- you seem excuse me, I apologize.
You seemed, like, turned on by it.
Oh! Oh, you thought I was looking at you.
Oh! Oh, no! Oh, you're not a beer! No.
She didn't get it.
No.
Yeah, I mean, it was sweating, in like, that way, right? It seemed like it was into me, so Well, I was into you.
Well, I can't open your head with a lighter.
So, you, like, actually wanna have sex with your beer? Yeah, I hadn't thought it all the way through, but Yeah, still sorta thinking it through.
That'd be amazing! Yeah, I mean, I wish there was a beer I could (bleep).
Dick Hole beer.
Finally, a beer you can (bleep).
Have you ever felt attracted to a beer? Like, a Blue Moon? I mean, you brought up Blue Moon, I just Oh, what do you like more? - Getting drunk or having sex? - Having drunk sex.
- Really? - Yes.
Have you ever had Ambien sex? Is that with like lights and shit? I don't remember.
Ah! All right! Okay, we are all in for a big treat.
Our next guest is making her starring debut in Baz Luhrmann's musical remake of "Blade Runner".
This is also her first time on our show.
Please welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Amy Lake Blively! Thank you! Oh, my goodness.
Oh, wow! Wowie, wowie, wowie, wowie.
That's you, right there, right there.
That's your cup, that's you.
Wow, what a great crowd.
Wow, Amy, you look stunning! Thank you.
Cliffley, I'm so excited to be here.
Oh, really? Yeah, you look excited.
Does she look excited? She look excited? No, this is my favorite TV show.
- Oh, really? - My absolute favorite TV show.
I've been watching this since I was, like, 16.
So, like, two years ago? Stop it! Stop it! I have to just tell you, I'm, like, a little nervous, because I have always had the biggest crush on you.
Hold on, I need to call my wife.
Uh, Darflyn, it's over.
Ah-ca-clank! Err, kink! Huh, gaa! Seriously, that dress, that dress! - No.
- Look at the dress.
Give me a break.
Oo-hoo-hoo, no! No, I feel so awkward in it, I don't even know how to sit, like, look.
I don't know-- I sat down, I was like, I don't even know how to sit in it.
I don't know.
I don't know how to sit.
How do I sit? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Ha-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
- But no, I am like such a tomboy.
- Oh, yeah? I usually just wear, like, sweatpants if I'm home, or my favorite team's jersey.
- Mm-hmm? - Or I'm naked, I'm just-- Uh-oh! Liftoff! Yo, Darflyn! Am I right? Yo! I'm sorry, it is so cold in here.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I just-- I have this thing that's like very unique to just me.
- Uh-huh? - Where I'm always cold.
Uh-huh? I was voted in high school "Most Cold".
Wow! Would you like my jacket? Ohh! Really? Should I give her my jacket? Should I give her my jacket? - Should I give her my jacket? - Give it to her! Should I give her my jacket? Should I give her my jacket? - You are such the best gentleman! - I'll give you my jacket.
There we go, there we go.
It's so big on me.
Just like Where'd she go? "Chivalby" is alive and well here.
Unfortunately, so is Darflyn, hey-o! Yo, Darflyn, I just got you a necklace, hello! So, I understand you just had a birthday.
- Is that, uh? - Oh, yes, that is so true.
Okay, this is such a funny and interesting story.
So, me and all my girlfriends went to a nature preserve.
- Mmm.
- In Fiji.
- It's an island! - Everybody has to go.
You can afford it! So, they have these underprivileged dolphins.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, this one dolphin, Windy, one day we just, like, locked eyes and he just, like, went down on me.
Now, did that, uh, make your boyfriend jealous? My boyfriend-- Yeah, right.
The only man in my life is my labradoodle Eva Braun.
Aw, pretty name.
I'm told my idea of a perfect evening at home is just, like, staying at home and just, like, baking for my best girlfriends, and just, like, reading comic books.
That's why I'm so excited - Yeah.
- about Baz's "Blade Runner", because I've always been a huge sci-fi freak.
I am, like, so embarrassed to tell you guys this, but my favorite movie ever, like, my favorite movie of all time-- This is so embarrassing, is "Star Wars".
You know what that means! Looks like someone in the audience is the winner of our Dannon Yogurt sweepstakes.
We'll be right back.
Hello, desert? Get ready for Darflyn's body.
Click! - You good? - Did you finish? Uh, mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
All right, I'm gonna pee so I don't get a UTI again.
- Wait.
- What? - Risk it.
- All right, forget it.
My heart wasn't really in it anyway.
Did you like that? What? Sex.
It was great, you were great.
- What was your favorite part? - During it.
Come on.
Come on, come on, be specific.
Did you like when I was caressing your rear? And licking your nipples? Yeah, that was great.
But we, like, just did it, you know? We, like, just did it, so I'm gonna-- I'm gonna-- - Hold on, Speedy Morales.
- It's Gonzalez.
No, it's not.
Morales-- It's that Mexican mouse.
Do you know what my favorite part was? - Nope.
- When you were gripping my hips as you were receiving all of me.
Okay, oh, my God, stop talking, okay? I am so drunk on you right now.
Can you-- Can you smell us? - Ew, no! - Can you smell? - Smell! - Oh, my God, no, stop! Don't talk about it, all right? We aren't ourselves when we have sex.
We were animals then.
We enter a silent contract that we won't talk about what we do in here.
How do you like it? "Oh, 'member when I was on top and you were making this face?" Oh, oh.
Yeah, I love that.
That's the face I thought I was making.
Why are you so embarrassed about this? I wanna tell the whole world at how wet I got you! Stop recapping! Stop recapping, all right? It's not cool.
It's not right, all right? It makes me feel so exposed.
If we're gonna talk about it, then what's the point of filming it? Yeah, where do you want me to cue it up from, chief? The shuddering? Play it back from when I was making this face.
Oh, my God, I definitely have a UTI.
Can you ask him to get me cranberry juice? Why don't you ask him for cranberry juice? He's right there.
Can I have a cranberry juice? Have you ever had a guy talk dirty to you, but after sex? Like, he talks about what just happened? - Yeah.
- What happened? It's kinda creepy.
- Right? - It's like, it happened already.
Why are you still talking about it? Thank you! Did you ever film yourself having sex? No.
- Do you think I did ever? - Probably.
Do you know where that footage is? Uh no, but I'd like to find it.
Me too.
Today's panelists are the top innovators in their respective fields.
Dr.
Amy "Schmer" is one of the lead scientists behind prenatal neuropeptides and their effects on memory and learning.
Yes, that's correct.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you.
Is this-- am I supposed to say something? Oh, um it's an honor to be here.
Great, Professor Sasha Baron is a Nobel Prize winner in chemistry.
"Meegan" Joleep is Pulitzer Prize winning-- I'm sorry, it's Megan.
And lastly, Christine Benning built and opened a school for child refugees in Rwanda.
Sorry, uh, it's not child refugees, it's actually child soldiers.
Sorry, I'm so annoying.
Sorry, you go, go.
You know what? Sasha, let's start with you.
Yes, I'd love to.
I invented a solar-paneled water filtration system that-- Sorry.
Um, that's portable and lightweight.
- Um-- - Do you need some water? Yeah, sorry, thanks, that'd be great.
But if you can't, no worries, don't worry about it.
You know what, why don't we just come back to you? Sorry.
Uh, Amy, can you give us a little background on the research you're involved with? Uh, absolutely.
I, uh, well Oh, thanks so much.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
- I'm so sorry, I just thought that, uh - Please, you're-- yeah.
Oh, you know, can I actually have a water? Sorry, I'm just allergic to caffeine.
Please, go on.
No, it's-- Please, I-- Just a water would be great, thanks.
Sorry, I feel like I'm being such a diva.
You know what, just for time, I think we'll take an audience question.
Sir, in the back? Yeah, my question's for the first broad there.
You do Pepcid shit, right? Oh, I work with neuroprotective peptides.
- So, our team-- - What? Um Forget it, I thought you could help me with my stomach and-- whatever.
I'm sorry, I should have made it more clear.
You're in pain, you want me to get you something for your stomach? Yeah, that'd be nice.
Yeah, I'm gonna run out.
Does anybody need anything, or? - No, sorry.
- No? Okay.
Amy, why don't you just stay here? I mean, we can send someone out, but you're part of our panel, so - Oh.
- Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
Miss, you had a question? Yeah, I was actually just-- ooh, sorry.
Um, I was wondering what advice you would give to yourself if you could talk to yourself-- Uh, sorry-- as a-- as a college freshman? Um Sorry.
I'll just quickly say Definitely you just have to believe in yourself.
You're a special person, and you deserve to be in this world just as much as the next person.
You've got it, and you've got it going on.
Sorry, I hated that, I'm sorry.
I wish I hadn't said that, I'm sorry.
Never mind, I'm just-- I'm gonna quit-- I'm gonna quit school.
I'm sorry, excuse me, I'm sorry.
Excuse me, sorry.
Sorry, is this coffee? Mike, she wanted a water, not a coffee.
Can you get her some water instead? - This is my fault.
- You know what? Would any of you ladies like a coffee? I'm sorry, I-- Yeah, I don't want it to go to waste.
Yes, I'll take it.
Thank you.
Yipes! Sorry! Ohh! I'm sorry, oh God! No, no, I-- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Lo siento, lo siento, lo siento.
I'm sorry, I'm dying, I've ruined everything! It's all my fault.
Whoops.
Okay, actors, if we could get you on your marks, that'd be great.
That's it for looks.
Okay, so, pizza boy, - we got you right here.
- Yes.
Dad, you're here.
- And, Mom, you know you land here.
- Right.
You hear the doorbell ring, open the door.
- Pizza boy - Right.
"Did anyone order a family-style - Family-style pizza? - pizza?" okay.
You say, "Welcome home.
Mom, why don't you greet me like that?" - And that's it.
We got it? - Got it.
- Sure thing, chief.
- We're good? Okay, great.
- You got it, you're the boss.
- Let's shoot a commercial.
- Roll cameras.
- Sound speed.
Scene one, take one.
And action.
Did someone order a family-style pizza? Welcome home! How come you don't-- Holy shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, cut, cut, cut, cut! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- What, what, what? - What's up? - Hey.
- Let's get these up, huh? - What? Let's get these up.
- What, make it sexier? - No.
- Make it sexier, or? - You don't need to make it sexy.
It's a pizza commercial.
Just say the line.
Ohhhhh.
I'm sorry, captain, I see, I see.
Let it build.
Let it build, yeah? - Okay, just - All right, all right.
Just say Places, everyone.
- Places, everybody.
- You don't need to say that.
All right, guys, um, roll camera.
- Scene one, take two.
- Mark it.
- And-- - And Action.
Did someone order a family-style pizza? Welcome home! Oh, my God! Jesus! Whoa, cut, cut! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's up, too hot, too hot? - I'm sorry.
- What, make it sexier? - No, no, no, not sexier.
- Sexier? Sexier? Hotter? - Hotter? Hotter? - You don't need to make it hotter.
It is a pizza commercial, okay? - Make it hotter.
- That is not what I'm saying.
- All right? - Make it sexier? There's nothing sexual about this.
This is not a porn, Doug.
- It's not a porn.
- It's not a porn, okay? - Ohhh, right, right, right, right.
- This is just a pizza ad.
What the "f" is with this guy? This is really creeping me out.
Okay, um, Doug used to be in pornos, okay? Thousands and thousands of them, okay? Yeah, I knew I knew this guy.
He's Doug Saint Hammer! Star of "The Brown Mile", "12 Queers of Gay", "Blackhawk Brown", and "Entourage".
This guy's a legend! He's been (bleep) more than anybody.
Okay, um, so we're just gonna be patient with him and just roll with it, 'cause we have nobody else.
- Hey, captain, captain? - Yep? - Can I talk to you a second? - What's up, Doug? Um, when-- when do I start sucking all the "d"s? There's no-- there's no "d"s, uh, sucking today.
It's a-- It's a pizza commercial.
So, cut out the middle man and go straight to anal? No, uh, Doug, there's no-- There's absolutely no sex in this scene.
- It's a-- it's a-- - Why? Because it's a pizza commercial.
I got it-- pizza, pizza, I'm good, I'm good.
- Okay, great.
- I only have one last question.
- One last question.
- Yeah, what's going on? - When does the mom knuckle-dust me? - That's not - When does the mom knuckle-blast me? - I'm sorry, excuse me.
- This is gross, this is, like, totally.
- I understand.
This commercial is my big break, and I am not gonna have it ruined - by some husk of a pervert, okay? - No way.
I understand what you're saying.
She's right, I am a husk of a pervert.
You're right.
When I got to Hollywood in the '70s, I was-- You know, I just wanted to be an actor.
I was a kid with a head full of dreams and pants full of donkey (bleep).
I was broke and desperate.
This dude at a bowling alley said, "Hey, man, you wanna make some money acting?" I said, "Yeah, man.
" At first, it was a way to pay the bills, and I figured I'd always get back to real acting.
Then I lost my wife and my child, at the mall.
That's when I turned to crank and Kahlúa.
- You know, Mexican Russians? - Yeah.
Now, I'm just a broken down woodsman who thought he could act.
Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be out in the parking lot, plying my trade.
Ten dollars to look at it, five to watch me jerk it, $3.
50 to spit on my hand, a dollar for a sniff.
But close your eyes, 'cause as I mentioned, it's ten to look at it, so You know, it's an honor system, there's no peeking or anything-- Doug, wait, come back here.
Guys, what do you say we do one take Doug's way? - Wait, what? - Let's shoot one Doug's way.
Everybody's in, right? - Yeah.
- I don't know what to say.
Just say yes, man.
Doug.
Doug, Doug.
All right, let's go, let's go! - Roll cameras! - Get on your mark.
Scene one, take three.
And action! - Did someone order a pizza? - Yeah.
Oh my God.
- Porn.
- Oh, yeah.
I didn't even ask anything yet! Don't worry about it, it's fantastic.
Do you ever, like, wonder what happens when the porn stars age out? I follow a lot of porn stars on Twitter, and they retire.
So, they're like, "Today's the big day, my last time I have to get (bleep) for money.
" Cash in the 401k.
- They get a 401k? - Yeah! Is that slang for like when 401 people (bleep) on your eyes? I think so.
- So, Vin, you are a gigolo.
- I am.
I have so many questions for you, that I'm-- my head's almost exploding.
First of all, how much? First off, I don't get paid to have sex.
What do you get paid to do? Uh, I'm only paid for my time and companionship, that's it.
Um, okay, so how much to "spend time with you", where your penis is in my vagina? How much? How much? This is me So, I've got a two-hour minimum.
- Okay? - Right? What's the longest a client's ever booked you for? Five days.
- Do you ever have sex with guys? - No.
- Ever? No? - No.
How 'bout for - No.
- They just blow you.
For 50 grand? Mm-hmm.
If the offer was on the table, I'd think about it.
Okay, cool.
Dan, it's a go! Um, has anyone ever paid you to go to the movies with them? Um, Celine Dion concert.
There isn't enough booze in the world to get me over how sad I am right now.
She had been waiting, she said two years, to see Celine.
Stop talking.
She is-- She cried.
- And then I cried.
- You didn't cry! I-I-- there was a tear.
How many people's hearts have you broken? And by hearts, I mean hymens.
I think I've only been with three virgins, so-- - Okay, yeah.
- In my life.
One was professionally, so she actually hired-- She was like, "I wanna get it done with.
" Yeah.
That's-- I wish I had done that.
My first experience She was in her 40s, though.
I don't think you wanna Can we have another? How long have you been a professional? Well, I guess I can thank The Container Store.
This story is not gonna be interesting.
- It's pretty interesting.
- All right, let's hear it.
Okay, so one day, me and a buddy, we got some smoothies, we're hanging out at 3rd Street Promenade sitting in front of The Container Store.
Woman comes out, she says, uh, "Hey, you guys look like you're strong.
"Could you help me carry this stuff to my apartment, and organize my closet?" But, turns out, organizing her closet actually meant (bleep)ing the shit out of her.
And as we left she gave us - a little bit of money, so-- - For helping with the stuff.
Yeah, for getting her organized, you know? Okay.
So, uh a few weeks later, same thing, smoothies.
I'm like, "Why don't we sit in front of The Container Store?" Wouldn't you know it? Another woman comes up.
She says, "Oh, hey, I bought some stuff, too.
Could you help me organize my closet?" So, we went and we-- We organized her closet, and she paid us and-- Wait, you also organized her closet.
Yeah, we actually - We kind of-- - How did you organize it? Like, what did you put together? It was like, shelves, it had a shoe rack, which was pretty cool.
- It slid out.
- That's cool, yeah.
It's convenient for getting shoes.
And she needed it, her closet was-- - It was a mess? - It was-- no, it was tiny.
- Oh.
- And, you know, those two ended up coming back.
They came back.
But you get there, the closet's already organized.
- What do you do? - Just (bleep) 'em.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
So, come to find out that, like, this was actually happening all over L.
A.
There were groups of guys who had learned about the situation.
And so, we figured, like, there's got-- You'd form a union just by saying so.
Right, so, we did, and we called it the Organization of Retail Gigolos-- ORG.
So, I started this blog, and the rest is history.
Ah ah Um you're right, and I was wrong.
I'm a dumb bitch, this is beyond interesting.
I know you're leaving town, but my closet is a mess.
I'm just a broken down woodsman who thought he could act.
Well It's so easy.
Mmm, magic.