It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e04 Episode Script

Gimme the walkie.
I'm having a hard time understanding what we're doing.
Just gimme the walkie-talkie.
All right.
Why did you hide your will in the ceiling? I didn't do it.
Charlie did it.
Well, why did Charlie hide your will in the ceiling? Because I didn't wanna crawl around these goddamn vents.
Gimme my gun.
Oh, right.
Yeah! I don't think you should be carryin' this thing anymore.
It always gets you into trouble.
Recently, it has occurred to me that Dennis and Deandra stand to lose a lot of money because they're not my kids.
They're gonna rub me out.
I feel like you're being very paranoid about this.
If you just go to a lawyer, you can draft up a new will, no big deal.
Don't over think this.
Trust me.
Give me the goddamn gun.
Here.
Now, you think you can make sense of Charlie's map? Because it's dark as a well digger's ass up here.
Frank, no one understands the subtleties of Charlie's retardation better than me.
I can guide you right to it.
Then you will be handsomely rewarded.
I like that.
Shit! Seal me up! Seal me up! That's them.
Get away.
Get in.
Just get in! What I say is the law.
I'm the boss of both of you now.
What are you talking about, man? Why are you standing like that? 'Cause I'm your big brother, dude, and I'm the boss of you.
Where is this coming from, man? You are not our big brother.
Yes, I am.
So get me a beer, little bro, before I give you a serious noogie.
Dude, I swear to God, if you try and give me a noogie I will yank your underwear over your head so hard, your asshole will rip in half.
Heyoh! What's up, bitches? Mac, can an asshole rip in half? Like tissue paper.
They behind us? No! Lock the way out! Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you guys doin'? Whoa! Okay.
Okay, don't shoot, okay? Just take whatever you want.
Take the cash register.
Take the girl.
"Take the girl"? Don't argue with them.
Just go.
You better go with them.
But they're not trying to take me anywhere! Don't try to be a hero.
Do what they say! They're not saying anything.
Well, what's the sense? If you keep arguing with them, then we're all gonna die! We don't want the girl! Then take the cash.
We don't want the cash! Well, then what the hell do you want? We're takin' you bitches hostage.
That's right.
And we need a gassed-up boat, and we need 100,000 clams in a briefcase.
And a And a Planet Hollywood jacket.
A leather one.
Reversible.
And we need a-a reversible Planet Hollywood jacket too.
Can't believe this is happening.
Taken hostage by the McPoyles.
We should just bum-rush 'em.
Hey, I'm the one making the demands here, pig! If they're not met in one hour I'm gonna kill one of the hostages! In one hour, we're gonna have Margaret shoot one of you in the face.
And if any of you try to escape, we'll massacre you in a blaze of glory then play with your bodies.
Especially Dennis.
Let's secure the perimeter.
You hear? I think he means it.
There's no way they're gonna get those demands.
They can't get a Planet Hollywood jacket.
Those places don't even exist anymore.
They don't make those jackets.
They'd have to call Stallone, and he's not gonna give his up.
Maybe Aykroyd.
Shut up! We need to focus, okay? This is serious.
We could get Stockholm syndrome.
Oh, my God.
What is that? Does that start with a sore throat? Because I think I might be getting it.
No, you're not getting it.
Are you a doctor? You're qualified to tell me I'm coming down with Stockholm syndrome? Stockholm syndrome, it it messes with your mind.
You start to empathize and then side with your captors.
We could turn against each other.
Dee is right.
Now look, we need to watch out for each other, okay? The only way we're gonna get through this is if we stick together.
Nobody has to die.
Somebody has to die.
Oh, yeah.
Doesn't have to be one of us.
No.
Mac or Charlie, right? I mean, what do they have to live for? Not one thing.
So, we need to form a pact.
No matter what happens, you and I have to stick together.
You and I will form an alliance.
We'll form an alliance.
Dennis is gonna try and have you killed.
I can't say that surprises me.
No, he's gonna sell us all down the river.
Okay, should we kill him first? Look, I don't want anybody to have to die but if somebody does, there's no reason it shouldn't be Dennis.
It should be Dennis, right? He had a great life.
Yeah.
Sure.
He had a full, full, good ride.
Oh, a fantastic ride.
I had a terrible ride.
Charlie, you had the worst ride.
You deserve another shot at the ride.
I want a better ride.
Oh, you oughta ride and ride.
So listen.
Here's what we do.
You and I No matter what, we gotta stick together.
We gotta stick together.
We should get to Mac, though, before Dennis does.
Oh, Mac will be with us.
Mac will be with us.
Frank, Frank.
Come in, Frank.
McPoyles have taken us hostage.
They're threatening to kill us.
It's too late for the guys, but there's plenty of time to save me.
So come down here and get me out of here.
Where the hell have you been? I've been lookin' for you for 20 minutes.
I'm lost as shit up here.
The McPoyles have taken over the bar, and they're threatening to kill one of us.
Come save me! Holy crap.
Forget about the rest of them, Frank.
They're all gonna perish.
It's just me.
There's still time to save me.
Get down here! Not until I get that will.
Once that will is safe and secure, I'll come and help you.
Will? There's plenty of time to do that.
We can do that some other time, dude.
No.
This is all the more reason to get that document.
Who the hell knows how it's gonna shake out down there? Everybody gather round! I gotta go.
I'll call you back.
Ow! Son of a All right.
There's absolutely no way they're gonna meet all our demands, so you guys are gonna dig a hole straight through the wall to the next building.
We're gonna go to the roof and escape by helicopter.
Here's how it's gonna work: Two of you are gonna dig while two of you rest, and then you switch.
I volunteer to rest first.
Bullshit.
You can't volunteer to rest.
You can be on my team if you want, but my team rests first.
I called it.
Right, great.
It's settled.
I'm on your team.
We'll rest first.
Charlie and Mac, you dig.
You're gonna be on Dee's team? Some loyalty, bro.
You don't wanna be on my team? Easy.
I never said that.
I feel like the syndrome's making you all paranoid.
It's making me crazy, dude.
Hold on.
Oh, my God.
He's burning up.
Sit down.
You gotta sit down.
Oh, God.
I'm getting sick.
Guys, clearly Charlie's comin' down with a nasty case of Stockholm syndrome.
The last thing you need is a roomful of sick hostages.
So, guys, do you mind if I grab a couple of beers? I feel we would be a lot more relaxed if we had some beers.
Oh, and a cooler! Get a cooler.
We're gonna want to keep the beers cold.
Good idea, Charlie.
Uhuh.
What the hell? The cooler's gonna keep the beer cold.
How are we gonna do that without a cooler? I would appreciate a cold beer.
We should probably all have a cold beer inside of a cooler.
Who drinks warm beer? Let's take a vote.
All in favor of beer and coolers Great.
Then it's settled.
Charlie, go get a cooler.
Don't move, Charlie! No beer.
No cooler.
Margaret, put your hand down.
But your sister agrees with us.
She's on our side.
She's a deaf-mute.
The only reason she raised her hand is 'cause you guys did.
Really? Let's try that again, right? That's awesome.
Hey, I wonder what else we could get her to do? Uh, let's blink really fast.
Oh, come on.
That's awesome.
All right! Put your hands down and stop blinking! Leave Margaret alone.
You two, in the bathroom.
You two, grab some shovel.
Ryan, crank up the heat! We're gonna get this place hot and clammy Just like the McPoyles like it.
Ah, here we go.
Charlie, what are you tryin' to tell me? "If here by now "then bad place be.
"Trouble time for you when heat comes.
" Jesus Christ, the kid's an idiot.
Wha Wha-What? Oh, shit! What, uh What's Damn, man, they're really crankin' that heat, huh? Yeah, man, maybe that's why she dressed in that.
Oh, of course, that's why.
They're gonna stay all nice and cool while we get all hot and steamy.
Why are you covering your mouth? So she can't read my lips, dude.
I don't want her reading lips.
Her? She can't read lips.
You don't think? No way.
Here, check this out.
Do you understand what I'm saying? No? Can you understand the words I am saying? Do you know what I am saying? You can't read lips, can you? Right.
All right, Charlie What was that? There's something I gotta talk to you about.
Yeah.
Help me out with this map.
Whoa! What are you doing with my map, dude? Frank gave it to me.
He's up in the vents.
He's gonna try and retrieve his will.
If I guide it to him successfully, he's gonna give me a very large percentage of that.
He thinks that Dennis and Dee What are you doing? It's boring.
I'm getting bored.
You should be paying attention, Charlie, because this could be very good for you.
Come on, come on.
You're losin' me.
Oh, my God.
With Frank dead, the will gone, Charlie gets all the money.
I get all the money? What money? The inheritance money.
Okay! Go! Good! Good! Do you understand what's happening? Kinda.
Do you understand what's going on with this map? Yes.
Okay! Now walk me through it.
We'll go through numbers later.
It's a fake map.
It's a decoy.
Really? Yep.
Where's the real map? The real map is tattooed on my body.
Get outta here.
Where? Right here.
You can't be serious.
Oh, I'm dead serious.
This is impossible.
It's very possible.
Dude, I'm not looking in your butt.
You have to, dude.
That's the only way to find the will.
All right, but you gotta swear not to tell anybody.
I swear.
I can't see anything.
Look closer.
What do you see? Nothing.
What do you smell? Oh, my God! Really? You fart in my face? What do you think? Are you kidding me? Why would you do something like that? Why? 'Cause you stole my map, and Frank's in the vents! You're lyin', we could die, and I never got to fart in your face before! We don't have time for this! Where is the real map? That's the real map.
There's no fake map, idiot.
Jesus Christ! Are you kidding me? This is just unbelievable.
How could anybody like it this hot? I feel woozy.
Ah, this is bullshit.
A couple of glasses of milk lukewarm, skim for the lady.
We don't want your milk, Liam.
Then start breakin' bricks, wet nips.
You know what? I think you're full of shit.
Is that right? That's right.
I could walk out, I don't think you'd do anything.
I don't think you're serious.
You don't think I'm serious? No.
Oh, you think I'm bluffin'? You're bluffin'.
You think I'm bluffing? You're bluffin'.
Then bluff this! Ryan, stab somebody! Oh! What have you done? Give me the milk.
Showin' 'em we're not bluffin'.
No, you're supposed to stab one of them.
You stab one of them! Oh, I gotta take care of this.
Owww! Holy shit.
My bad.
Oh, my Oh, my God.
That is one of the most terrifying things I've ever seen.
I mean, that must have taken so much heart you know, to stab your brother like that? I mean, that is real dedication.
Mm-hmm.
What? Whatever, okay? Look, I think we need a real plan here, Sis.
The hour is coming upon us.
Oh! Look, maybe I can corner one of them and manipulate them.
Get inside their head.
And have sex with them.
Mm-hmm.
Have sex with them? No.
I was gonna say, pit them against each other.
What? I know.
What? Well, what did I say? You said No.
Oh, God, no.
Those guys are disgusting.
Dee, I think you're startin' to show signs of Stockholm syndrome.
No.
I'm fine, all right? Can we just focus here, and just tell me what the plan is? Yeah, let's focus.
Okay, here's the plan.
All right, look.
I know I can get the girl to fall in love with me.
Okay.
Now I'm not one of the members of her family I got that goin' against me but I do have a secret weapon.
Boom.
All right? I just need to get alone with her and let the pecs do the talkin'.
One thing'll lead to the next.
She'll lead me secretly to safety.
Mac, what's with the goddamn heat? I'm roastin' like a suckling pig up here.
Oh, yeah, man.
It's gettin' pretty hot up in this piece, huh? Must be miserable up in those vents, Frank.
Charlie, is that you? Yeah, it's me.
Hey, are you lost? I warned you never to go up in those vents without me.
Uh, yeah, a little bit.
Hey, Charlie you think you could give the walkie-talkie over to Mac? I gotta talk to him privately.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Yo, buddy, I'm here.
Mac, go somewhere where you're alone.
Okay, Frank, we're alone.
Whatever happens, make sure Charlie's the first one to die.
What? Why? Because of this will business.
He stands to gain the most.
That's a very good point.
That's an excellent point.
All right.
Uh, that's a good plan, Frank.
I'll get back to you in about 10.
All right, get back to me.
10-4.
Okay.
Well, I think it's pretty clear what we should do.
Frank has to die.
Gotta kill Frank.
Gotta kill him somehow.
So once the McPoyles take out Dennis, Dee and Frank Yeah.
Then you and I will split the money right down the middle.
Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh.
That's kind of a lot, don't you think? I'll tell you what.
I'll give you 25%.
Twenty-five percent? Charlie It's my money, dude! Hey, ball sacks, put those on.
Why? It's too obvious who the hostages and who the captors are.
We're gonna confuse the cops.
All right.
Your time is almost up.
And we thought we'd spice things up with an immunity challenge.
The team who wins will be exempt from the first round of shootings in the face.
Oh, well, that's a great idea.
Dee, shut up.
What the hell is she talking about? She's got Stockholm syndrome.
No, I don't.
No! I just think it's a good way to decide who to kill first.
I'm tryin' to put myself in their position, you know? It's called compassion, dickheads.
Maybe if you guys had a little bit of it, you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place and then we wouldn't be standing here tryin' to figure out which one of you we have to kill.
But that's where we are.
So hand me that shotgun 'Cause I'd like to do this mess myself.
Get on your knees, bitches! What are you doing? Now you're on their side? You wanna be a McPoyle, trash bag? Huh? Mmm! If you wanna be a McPoyle, you've gotta earn that the hard way.
And you will learn that later on.
But for now, the challenge is this: Whoever can destroy more things on the inside of this bar wins.
And the teams have changed.
It's now Dee and Charlie versus Mac and Dennis.
You have one minute to plan your strategy starting now.
Whoop.
Come on.
Come here, come here, come here! I think I got a plan to get us out of this.
But I need you to do the destroying thing.
Can you? I'm a great destroyer.
Are you kidding me, dude? You're a born smasher.
Yes! I'm a born smasher.
I'm gonna work a different angle with the girl.
Work those pecs.
Yeah, exactly.
Bump it.
All right.
Dennis.
What? I love you.
Go! Go! Go! Okay, okay.
I got a plan actually, okay? Okay.
I'm gonna start by wrecking the back office.
The back office? Charlie, I feel like there's a lot more stuff Hey! Listen to me, okay? I don't blame you for that betrayal, but you're acting nuts.
All right, listen.
I'm sorry about that whole thing Shut up, okay? I'm tryin' to save your life here, Dee.
Listen, I'm gonna save your life by wreckin' that back office.
We gotta stick together, okay? You got it? Yes, I got it, Charlie.
Time's up, assholes.
Start smashing! Mm.
Mmm.
I love you.
Decided to come in here and take a break from all the excitement.
It's got me all sweaty.
So sweaty.
Do you mind? Margaret, you like sweat, don't you? It is "Margaret," isn't it? Of course, it is.
You know, your eyebrow It drives me crazy.
It's so thick.
It's so dark and so very connected.
You're a stone cold fox, Margaret.
You're a stone cold fox, and I want you.
I gotta have you.
I need you.
I want you inside me.
But you know that don't you, Margaret? Yeah.
Look at yourself, Dee.
You've turned into a monster.
Huh? Not my fault.
I'm sick.
I know, Dee.
I know.
You're the one that first told us about Stockholm syndrome.
But I feel like, if you just snap out it there's a chance that we could survive this, if we just stick together.
Whoa! All right! Time's up.
Looks like Mac and Dennis take it.
Nice! Blast away, boys.
No! No, wait.
Wait, because Charlie Charlie destroyed the office! Go by and look.
Charlie saved my life! No.
No, blast her! Charlie, we did it! Blast her! Damn it.
We did it! Goddamn it, Charlie.
Frank, Frank.
Come in, Frank.
Oh, when we get outta this I am gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast not in a sexual way in a "I am pissed off at you" way for turnin' off your walkie-talkie and leavin' me in this shit hole! Listen to me very carefully, Frank.
Charlie has escaped.
Repeat, Charlie has escaped.
I think he's gonna come after you, man.
Don't worry about it.
I can take care of myself.
Ah! God! I just stepped in glass! There's broken bottles all over the place.
Broken bottles everywhere? Oh, shit, dude.
I think you're in Charlie's "bad room.
" What the hell is that? It's where he goes to be alone and break bottles.
Dude, you gotta be real careful.
He's gonna find you.
I can take care of myself.
Hello, Frank.
I gotta call you back.
Be careful.
Be careful.
H-Hi, Charlie.
Lookin' for your will, Pop? That's exactly what I'm lookin' for.
You know, it's funny what kind of men we turn into in circumstances like this.
I heard who you wanted to have killed.
But that goddamn Mac, he Then tell me, Frank.
What do you think about this? I like that very much.
That's exactly why I came up here.
No, it's the Oh, yeah.
I guess it is.
Now let's get the hell outta here.
No, I don't think so, Frank! You see, I don't need you anymore, now do I? What are you talkin' about? What are you doin'? Put your hands down.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Charlie, put your hands down.
Charlie, don't Bye, Dad! Oh, my God.
Do you carry that everywhere now, dude? That's ridiculous.
Lead me the hell outta here.
All right.
Fine.
How? This way.
That way? Put the gun I was gonna go that way.
That would've been wrong.
All right.
That was, uh nice.
That was very hot and sweaty and passionate milky.
Now let's get outta here.
Let's sneak outta here, you know, and start a life together.
Let's get outta this crazy place together.
Come on.
Let's go.
Sneak me out.
What? Wha No.
No-no-no-no-no.
No.
We're done with the kissing part, okay? That' part's over.
We're in love now, and you can sneak me out of here.
We're at that part now, all right? No.
No-no-no.
Oh, God.
Please tell me you understand what I'm saying.
Do you understand me? You don't understand, do you? This has all been for nothing.
What the hell is goin' on here? Uh, nothing.
Doesn't look like nothing.
But for the record, I'm into it.
Everybody to the roof.
It's time to pay the piper.
A couple of hundred more yards and we're outta here.
A couple of hundred more yards? That's it.
Push! Go! We're, like, in a tomb, Charlie.
I'm one of you guys, though.
I'm I'm a McPoyle now, so you wouldn't kill me, right? No! She's got Stockholm syndrome.
Don't listen to her, okay? She'll betray you.
I'm the one that won the immunity challenge the one that should live.
Actually, we both won 'cause we were on the same team.
So we're both safe.
No, I did all the work.
You were in the bathroom getting laid.
I I love inbreeding! I like men in tight, white underpants.
Uh Get on your knees! Goddamn it! We're free, dude! We're free! Frank and Charlie! Frank and Charlie came to save us! They're gonna save us! Right? Uh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
We came to save you.
Yeah.
Yeah, we came here to, uh, save you guys.
Yeah.
That's exactly it, why we came.
No, we came to, uh, save you, so here we are.
Frank.
Liam.
What a delicious surprise.
Looks like we got ourselves into a bit of a pickle here.
Get over with your friends.
I don't think so.
Really? Really.
Yippie-kayyay, Mr.
Fuckin' Brother! God! Ah! Ah! I love you! God, I love you! Hang on! Ow! Don't let go! I got you! I got you, brother.
Oh, no, you don't! Whoa! What are you doing? Ow! Stop! Why are you doin' that? Nooo! Are you all right? Yeah.
Think I might get a bruise on my heel.
That's not bad.
No.
It's not really bad at all.
It's pretty fun.
It's like, ah! Why don't you guys climb down that ladder? All right.
Later, bitches.
"Later, bitches"? What? Wait.
So they're just leaving? Why are they leaving? What is happening here? This gun is rubber.
Rubber gun! It's rubber? She's right.
It's rubber.
There's no police! There's no police down there, dude! What the hell is happening? What is going on here? Are they just screwin' with us? Where are the cops? Haha! Revenge! We got you, suckers! Nobody messes with the McPoyles! Whoo! Haha! Eat it, douche bags! Whoo! Whoo! McPoyles! Goddamn it!