Kickin' It (2011) s03e04 Episode Script

Look at those animals! This is a classroom.
What do they think they're doing? If I'm not constantly filling my brain with knowledge, that's when the naughty thoughts come.
Well, our new Principal Funderburk just hired a sub who's different from the others.
We're finally gonna get our classroom back.
Playtime's over, Jerry.
It's about to get real up in this hizzy.
Oh, yeah, oh, okay - Guys, don't.
- Okay.
The school finally found a substitute that even you can't break.
He's the perfect storm of discipline, intelligence and toughness.
You're forgetting he won substitute of the year.
I know all about this guy.
I am The sub sinker.
I'm your substitute.
Mr.
Testa.
And you should know that I have not fully conquered my rage issues.
Welcome to our classroom, Sir.
This is our teacher's textbook.
Thank you.
What's your name, son? Oh, I'm listed on the honor roll as "Jerome".
And today we're supposed to do a recap on chapter six.
Open your books to chapter six.
Take out a clean she Oh, sweet love of my life, that's My high school sweetheart, Carol Miller.
Until she broke my heart one summer.
Oh, you mean when Jake Martin the lifeguard took her away on his wave rider, leaving you sobbing on the beach in your little ducky inner tube? - I vowed to one day win her back.
- Well that day is today.
- Come in, Carol.
- What?! She can't see me like this.
I I haven't done a sit-up since the '90s.
I'm hideous! I've gotta get outta here.
Charge it to Mr.
Testa.
Woo! If only he used his mind for good.
- Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do.
- Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate.
Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do.
- Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you.
I can't believe Principal Funderburk canceled geometry class making us take P.
E.
in this rec room.
What else can he do? There's no more subs willing to teach a class with Jerry in it.
Incoming! What is it?! I think it's some kind of a ball.
What do I do? Throw it back! I don't know how.
Don't be such a wuss.
I'll do it.
Whoa! Your arm's like a cannon.
They're coming over.
Just be cool, act casual.
Look Because of me, you guys got stuck in the rec room and it's not fair that you have to just sit here.
Pick any sport you want and we'll play it.
I don't like it.
What if it's a trick? Don't worry, I got this.
Let's do Badminton, the gentleman's game.
Great.
We'll serve.
Uh, what are they doing? I don't know.
Holy Christmas nuts! We've been shuttlecocked! Kim, this is gonna be the greatest ninja Marathon ever.
I mean, three full days! I hear they're gonna break their record for the most ninja attacks per hour.
We are living in a golden age, Kim.
Behold! "The heart stopper"! Three feet of bread, eight different meats, 10 pounds of cheese What are you guys gonna eat? This is literally the happiest moment of my life.
Rudy! I need your help! The girlfriend.
Hey, Munchkin.
I am not happy.
I am watching my nephew Booker for the week, and he is a little meanie.
He never shows me any affection and today he got kicked out of nursery school for poking another child.
I'm gonna say it.
I think he's a Poker.
That is a sad sad story.
Thanks for sharing.
I'll see ya.
No, wait Rudy! You and I are gonna spend every moment teaching Booker that the poke is no joke.
No, I uh Uh I have a better idea.
Why don't you leave Booker with us? Why should she do that, Rudy? So I can watch the Marathon Or I could lock the place up and no one can watch it.
We'll watch the boy.
You deserve a break.
I think, like, at a spa for three days.
Not a moment less.
And Rudy will pay for everything.
Really? Rudy, are you sure you can handle this? Are you kidding? I teach kids discipline and respect for a living.
Come here.
Yes.
Couple of days with uncle Rudy, and his poking will be a thing of the past.
- The Marathon's starting.
- I know.
- Thanks, Rudy.
- Yeah yeah, kiss kiss bye-bye.
All right.
Now you listen to me, little man.
Uncle Rudy's gonna watch his ninja Marathon and you're gonna sit there Listen, Principal Funderburk, I signed up for geometry and I'm not going back to P.
E.
I still have a shuttlecock on my person that the nurse says is going to require a specialist.
I can't bring back geometry if I can't find a sub to take on Jerry.
Well, it's your job to find that person.
You're responsible for our education.
Oh, that's the problem with students! It's always about education.
Can't you just be like normal boys and just try to get some girlfrien I'll find someone.
Hey, uh, Rudy, where's Booker? Who? - Applebaum's nephew.
- Who? The kid we're supposed to be watching.
Oh, him? I'm sure he's fine.
My Lovey! My precious precious Lovey! I mean, what is that thing? Okay, we can't watch the Marathon with Booker crying.
Okay, give him the stupid toy.
Okay.
Come on.
But be gentle.
And don't squeeze him that hard, okay? It's the only thing that got me through high sch Kindergarten.
Come on.
Uh, Rudy you think a ninja Marathon is appropriate for Booker? Please, like he's gonna pay any attention to the ninja Marathon.
Not when he's got Lovey.
Shh.
I can't believe Funderburk found a sub for geometry.
When are these people gonna get it? I don't come to school to learn.
Don't worry.
I'll sink him just like I've sunk all the others.
Wait a minute.
You're our new substitute? They call me Mr.
Krupnick! By dividing the coefficient, you can see that we have an acute angle of Any questions? I have a question.
Once you divide the co How in the heck are you a teacher, Milton? The school constitution states in rule 17-dash-8 that In an emergency situation, a student with a perfect 5.
0 G.
P.
A.
May become a temporary substitute teacher Until a proper replacement is found.
Yeah! In your delinquent faces! Booya! Say what?! Well You know what I do to subs, right? I know every single one of your moves.
Your exploding chalk.
Your electrified filing cabinet.
Oh, really? Well Say hello to my little fr Where'd it go? Looking for this? My sonic bowel mover.
That thing vibrates your colon at 3,000 RPM's.
I'm giving a chapter test tomorrow.
Yeah! And I think you can pass it, Jerry.
You do? Absolutely.
I believe in you.
Wow, Milton.
You're the first teacher that actually believed - Uh-oh.
- Do you need to go to the nurse? No, I need to go to the bathroom! Now get out of my way! What are you doing in the hall during Oh, no.
Run, boy.
Run! No! You animal! I told you it wasn't a good idea for him to watch the ninja Marathon.
Kids that age are like sponges.
What have I done? I took a little poker and turned him into a trained ninja.
You're not a ninja.
Are you, little man? No, you're not.
No, you're not.
We're in big trouble.
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
Kickin' it with you! All right, class, this test will make up 25% of your grade.
I gotta turn the fan on.
I feel my pre-test hot flashes coming on.
Jerry, you worried? No.
I'm ready.
You'll have 45 minutes to complete the test.
Begin in three, two One.
Yes! Jerry! Dude, you've been hit by a giant spitball.
I'm taking you to the Principal's office.
Ah! Wait, what? I didn't do anything.
Ow! My ear.
All right, guys, we have to do something before Ms.
Applebaum comes back tomorrow.
I tried to calm him down with a piece of banana.
The last thing I remember is getting hit in the nose with a flurry of fat little baby legs.
Okay, look, we've gotta teach this kid that there are consequences to his actions.
- Jack, you gotta fight him! - We can't do that.
It wouldn't be fair.
It'll be fair if I use this Bo Staff.
Jack, let's jump him on three.
Stop! Wait wait, guys, are you serious? Jack, you're a second-degree black belt, but this is the toughest opponent you've ever faced.
Now get out there and beat up that baby! You're right.
I'm not gonna hurt him, but I'll teach him what it's like when somebody fights back.
All right, buddy.
You've been a good boy, but you just can't go around Was it at least close? What do you need to hear, champ? Milton, I'd like to present you with this fruit and muffin basket as a token of our appreciation.
You did something no one else could do.
You got Jerry Martinez expelled.
Yeah! - Woo.
- Wait.
Jerry was expelled? - But I shouldn't have been.
- Oh! Milton, I didn't shoot the spitball.
Okay? I wasn't afraid to take the test because I took your advice and I studied.
Yeah, right.
You studied for a geometry test? Look, I didn't do it, but I know who did.
Milton, this is roughly where you were standing, right? Mm-hmm.
Allow me.
Uh, I don't think Milton's quite that fat.
As you can see, this was no ordinary spitball.
This was a super deluxe saliva-soaked sphere of death with a circumference of 14.
4 centimeters.
You know what circumference is? It's the linear distance around the outside of a circular object.
I don't even know who you are anymore! A spitball this size wouldn't fit in a straw.
It would take a very unique delivery system.
Something like, I don't know say, Albert's clarinet? That's so fun are you accusing me? I couldn't have shot it at Milton, because Randy's enormous head would have been in the way.
No offense.
None taken.
My mother says my head's so big because I have a massive amount of brains.
As I was saying, this was no ordinary spitball and it didn't take an ordinary path.
This particular spitball made a 90-degree turn a right angle, if you will Before making impact with its target.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Okay.
So you expect us all to believe that it turned in mid-air? That is one magic spitball.
It's not magic.
It's math.
You created an external force when you turned on the fan, claiming to have a hot flash.
I get hot flashes! When that lunch lady doubles up on my tuna and calls me big boy.
Check this out.
That's right! Albert is the spitballer! It was me.
It was me! Kickin' it with you! This has been the worst three days of my life.
I missed most of the Marathon, I'm gonna lose my girlfriend.
And my Lovey's been torn to shreds.
But at least I can still hear his comforting words.
I love You.
- Rudy, he's coming for you! - Play dead! _.
Aw.
Look, you did it.
You turned a poker into a hugger.
Can I have kisses? Oh, my gosh.
That is the first time he has ever kissed me.
You are a miracle worker.
Wait.
Oh, were you crying? Yes.
Because I missed you so much.
Aw! Now you should go.
Yeah, uh, go spend some quality time with that little Angel.
They grow up so fast.
Marathon! And that concludes our ninja Marathon.
I can't believe we missed it! Due to new regulations concerning programming that involves fighting, this will be the last time we will ever show the ninja Marathon.
What?! They can't mean forever.
And we totally mean forever! Albert, it was you? But why? I've never wronged you.
That's the problem.
You've never wronged anyone! You're always so perfect.
Perfect grades, amazing hair and such a ladies' man.
Let's not get crazy.
It hurts me to say this, Jerry, but your expulsion is cance It's can It is can oh, gosh! You're back in.
Yes! Albert, go wait in my office.
I'll be there in a minute.
There's a bran muffin that's got my name on it.
Jerry, one thing doesn't add up.
If you didn't do it, then why did you yell "yes" after I was hit? Because I knew the answer to the first question.
PI times radius squared, the area of a circle.
Wow.
You told the truth, and I didn't believe you.
What kind of a teacher am I? What kind of a friend am I? A great one.
You believed in me and got me to study.
Nobody's ever done that before.
But I got you kicked out of school.
Being a teacher is too much pressure.
I just wanna be a student again.
Even if it means going back to P.
E.
class.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! I cannot go back to wearing shorts! I've got my mom's legs.
Hold on.
Principal Funderburk, I promise I'm gonna retire the sub sinker forever.
Well, I guess I could teach geometry for now.
Let me grab the attendance folder.
Uh You know there is nothing more rewarding than Ah! Wow! Kickin' it with you! I love these old comedies.
I know, right? There's nothing like a good old-fashioned pie fight.
So you gave Booker back to your sister, huh? - Oh, no.
He's here.
- What?! What do you mean, "he's here"? What if he saw this? So he saw a pie fight.
What harm could come from that?