Life in Pieces (2015) s03e04 Episode Script

1 So, Greg, looking forward to Thanksgiving? Really? We're just gonna talk about Thanksgiving after what you just did to me? I'm sorry.
Next time, I'll bring in someone with smaller fingers.
We got your routine blood tests back, and everything looks totally normal, except for your testosterone level.
What's wrong with my testosterone? It's off-the-charts high.
Not to get too technical, but imagine a graph where the line is way, way up.
Oh.
Oh, uh, okay.
Uh, well, what does that mean? We just keep an eye on it.
There might be some side effects, but mostly high "T" is just something cool to brag about.
Welcome to the club.
(GRUNTS) Thanks for breaking me the news, Doc.
And for the direct eye contact.
You know, we have glasses.
I got a lot of power surging through my body right now, babe.
It's better that I don't put my hands on anything that could break.
Except, of course, for this pretty little lady.
Whoa.
I like sweaty Greg - when he doesn't have a fever.
- Yeah? But we have to get to your parents' house in ten minutes, - so - Well, then we better be quick.
JEN: Greg, the pie! Oh, my God.
Whoa.
I don't know what's gotten into you, but Mommy likey.
Do you mind if we just get straight to it? Mind? I wanted that to be one of our wedding vows.
Ooh.
Hey, Pops.
You're looking good in the deep "V.
" Hey, listen, next year, what do you say we hunt our own turkey? Like the people that can chop down their own Christmas trees.
Oh, I don't know, son.
I hit a pigeon in the war, and it's haunted me more than the villages I bombed.
Well, there were probably a lot of pigeons in those villages, Dad.
Oh, God.
I never thought about that.
Hey, Pinky.
You and Mom sharing clothes again? Ha-ha.
Very funny, Matthew, but we both know Mom doesn't wear button-downs.
Doesn't show off her figure.
I'm gonna put this pie in that kitchen, and then I am gonna open up some jars.
(WHISTLING) What's with him? Oh.
He got diagnosed with high testosterone.
Oh, so now he's Mr.
Masculinity.
Yeah.
I mean, it's all in his head.
You know, like his fear of clowns.
But I don't have to suffer through a circus, so in both cases, I win.
(EXHALES) W-We don't really need any herring, um, but I haven't been able to open that jar since 1988.
Whoa! Listen to that pop.
Hey, uh, Dad says you need me to change the lightbulb? - Yeah, honey - Oh.
Let me do that, buddy.
Why don't you go out and play with Tyler.
You don't think I can change a lightbulb? Well, not without a step stool.
Although, I guess I could put you up on my shoulders.
Dude, what are you talking about? You're, like, an inch taller than me.
Two inches.
In every way that matters.
You know what I think sounds like a good idea? What? Little Thanksgiving Day family football.
Eh I don't think that's a good idea.
Well, because of your dancer's hip or your delicate back? I don't want anybody to get hurt.
Mom, my back is firing on all cylinders.
I mean, just ask this pie.
Actually, wait, don't ask that pie.
That's not a story you're gonna want to hear.
Hut.
TIM: Hold him I can't! I Here! (CHEERING) (GRUNTS) Ugh! Really, man? Thought this was a family game.
Hey, hey, he's got a medical condition, dude.
Yeah, he does.
Touchdown, little man.
You did your best, though.
I'll show you my best, man.
- Yeah.
- Set, hike! (GROANING, YELLING) - Oh.
- Ooh.
(GROANS) Sorry about that, bro.
My mind said, "Stop"" but my body said, "Keep huntin', 'cause it's Matt season.
" What's wrong with your face? What? Are you breaking out? Oh, man, you got some big-ass zits coming in.
(LAUGHING): Oh (QUIETLY): Honey.
Do I have blemishes? Uh, yeah.
But I got to say, kind of plays into my delivery boy fetish.
Oops.
I don't have enough cash on me.
Is that bad? Honey.
Do you have any concealer? Oh, no.
You just lost it, didn't you? Yeah.
Yeah, acne's a common side effect of high T.
Next thing to go is the hair, bro.
Greg.
Hey, man.
High T, that's just a number.
All right? That confidence you were feeling? That didn't come from down there.
It came from up here.
Wow.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Here you go.
- (GASPS) - Oh, God.
Seriously? You went commando on Thanksgiving? I had a lot more confidence this morning.
More acne going on back here.
Oh Wake up.
It's 5:00 a.
m.
, Mom.
Colleen is sick.
You're making Thanksgiving dinner.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You love cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
Not today.
Today, I'm finally watching the parade.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're right.
You're right.
You're right.
You've been working like crazy ever since we all moved in, and I really appreciate that.
And yeah, yeah, I'm on it.
- (SNORING) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't get to go back to sleep.
I get to go back to sleep.
Okay.
Yes, so excited.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Oh, dear.
Mm.
Come back to bed, Heater.
Oh! Help! No, no.
Tim, it's not Heather! MAN: Now, we're going to let it sit out.
Allowing the bird to air-dry - will give it a crispy - Oh! Ah! Crispy! - Hey! Woo-hoo! - Crispy! Yeah! Oh! So many of you.
Oh, and you invited a man from the Internet.
Yeah, you just missed the lady who showed us how to use a rolling pin.
Turns out she wasn't even cooking.
Oh, honey, I left you all my recipe cards.
Oh, no, we don't need them.
See, I'm a really spiritual cook.
I like to ask the food what it wants to be.
Yeah, don't worry, she's just in charge of ice.
Okay, well, you have a plan.
And so no matter what happens, it will be good.
- Thanks, Mom.
- MAN (OVER TV): Crispy.
Oh.
Crispy! ALL: Crispy! JOAN: Oh, the Macy's Parade.
Finally! I've heard so much about it.
WOMAN (OVER TV): We're here in New York City today, and holiday cheer is definitely in the air.
- MAN: That's right.
It sure is.
- Is it just balloons? Yup.
Too bad it's not windy, though.
One year, Barney got stuck in the power lines, and they had to stab him in front of everyone.
We had grief counselors at school the next day.
Well, where's Snoopy? I don't recognize any of these characters.
Me neither.
Looks like they're all fourth-generation Pokémon.
I only consider the first three generations to be canon.
You know, it's really hard for people to see the balloons when other people are talking.
Well, when I was a child, you know, our department store had a parade, - but there were no balloons.
- (TV VOLUME INCREASES) Th-There was just children in wagons, and soldiers.
Mm.
- It was World War Two.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that boiling water? Oh, yes.
It's for my traditional Thanksgiving bath.
This year, I'm filling it pot by pot, like the pilgrims did.
- Oh - Mm-hmm.
Maybe I could finally join you.
I'm up for some Thanksgiving fun.
Oh, my traditional bath is-is not a sexual thing, Joanie.
It's more spiritual.
- Oh.
- Please respect that.
- Hmm? - Yeah.
Stop, can't you see what you doing, girl? - Girl, look what you've done - Okay.
Whoo! You going out of my arms for another Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Heather! Those pinches are like punches.
Your hands are very powerful.
I know.
Do you remember my water polo coach said I could've totally played for the boys' team? Hey, you should go outside.
Yeah, get out of here, have fun.
Matt and Greg are out there, they're playing football.
Do they let people talk wh-while they watch? TIM (SHOUTING): Keep it down in there! I can't see Hello Kitty! Hey, is it just me, or is it really weird - that she's just watching us? - Yup.
Go, Greg! Matt! Wow.
All that extra testosterone, you still can't throw a spiral, huh? I can do that now.
Quick kick.
- Seriously, dude? - Dude, you can't handle this T.
You can't even catch this T.
Check this out.
See? See? MATT: Mom, tell him to stop running! Oh, trust me, you don't even want This seemed like so much more fun from the kitchen window.
- (LID RATTLING) - JOAN: Oh! The pot's about to boil over! Wow, I got here just in time.
Mom, it's okay, that's just Dad's bathwater.
We got everything covered in here.
- You do? - Yeah.
It's Thanksgiving: The Re-Remix.
(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING) That's our theme.
Oh, yeah.
Everybody's placemat is a vinyl record.
Mm-hmm.
I wasn't super into it at first.
And I'm still not.
Well Maybe our theme should just be "Thanksgiving"? (LAUGHS) Mom, don't be crazy.
That's our theme for Christmas dinner.
Get outside, go have fun.
There is no fun.
The activities in this family suck! I mean, cooking is what I do, and I thought, "Oh, I can live without this.
" But I can't.
Not unless we get better people in this family.
- I'm sorry.
- JEN: I mean, if I would've known that me leaving this kitchen would make you happy, - I would've bounced hours ago.
- Yeah.
Maybe, to me, spending my entire day slaving over a hot stove for my ungrateful family, so I can complain about how ungrateful they are, is the true magic of Thanksgiving.
You know what, Mom? We're gonna get out of your hair.
The kitchen is yours.
Happy Thanksgiving.
- Happy Thanksgiving, Joan.
- Happy Thanksgiving.
You mean nobody's gonna stay and help me? I-I can't believe you gave me a pot cookie! I'm sorry.
When my grandma said they were made with love, I didn't know "Love" was the name of the weed she buys.
When does it kick in? Does it make your arms heavy? 'Cause mine are, like, heavy.
I don't even remember how heavy my arms used to be.
We just have to get through dinner, that's it.
You're right.
And-and when dinner is over, I'll take a nap, like everyone else, and-and sleep it off until How long have I been standing here talking to myself? Wait, I'm not talking to myself.
I'm here.
Be casual.
Be confident.
And most importantly, be casual.
And confident.
Happy Thanksgiving! (LIVELY CHATTER) (CHATTER STOPS) Sweetie, your grandparents' house is next door.
Gobble-gobble.
Damn.
That girl is baked.
(LAUGHTER) Anyway, the only solution is diplomacy.
(LIVELY CHATTER) - (BOTH LAUGHING) - Oh! Look who's here.
Did you have fun at Jenna's? (GASPS) She knows.
Yes.
Fun was had.
Talk like Yoda, she does.
Hey, Sam.
- Hey.
Happy turkey day, Sam.
- Hi-ya, champ.
Why is everyone talking to me? No one talks to me this much.
Lark! Well, as always, it's been lovely almost eating a meal with you.
Oh, no, Jen, sit down.
Let-let Sam watch Lark.
Really? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
She'll outwit me.
(SLOWLY): I hate babies.
Too soft.
Stop talking so fast! What are you talking about? You always say Lark is like the little sister you never had.
Ouch.
Here, I'll help Sam.
JEN: Oh, thank you so much.
Dude, I don't know what you smoked, but Mom and Dad will flip if they find out.
You are way too young.
Also, do you have any more? - It's that obvious? - Yeah.
Am I going to die? No.
You're not going to die.
My heart is racing.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
Can-can you tell if I'm having a heart attack without touching my boob? Yeah.
No.
You can do this.
Yeah.
Girl, how'd you get back in my house? I have no idea.
I'm so sorry.
Better not have used my shell soaps.
That's the best water I've ever tasted.
Did I say that out loud? No, I think I'm good.
What? Who's ready for dinner? Oh! Are you kidding me? The meal is just starting? Now for our favorite Thanksgiving tradition: going around the table and saying what we're thankful for.
I'll go first.
(FADING): I'm thankful Do I say corn? I mean, I like corn.
Corn is the freaking best.
Did I say that out loud? Did I just say corn? No? Sam? Maybe there's another Sam here.
(CLEARS THROAT) HEATHER: Sam, come on, let's go.
Thanksgiving.
A time to give thanks for the big things in life, like, uh, family, friends, corn, but, uh, also the smaller things, like a smile across a table or a parent's warm embrace.
We must get out of our heads and into our hearts.
And I am thankful to be a part of the heart of this family.
Happy Thanksgiving! Mm! Happy Thanksgiving.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.
Sam, can I speak to you for a moment? Oh, no.
Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll wake up with my black family.
What you said at the table was very sweet.
And we're very proud of you and the young woman you're becoming.
Ugh.
We just wanted you to know that.
This is a trap.
Don't say anything.
Thanks, guys.
I'm gonna go back to the table.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.
(SIGHS) You think she can tell that we're high? No, we nailed it.
- Wha - (ROLLS TONGUE) JOAN: Do we really need that crusty old thing at the table this year? I don't know, Pop-Pop is family.
(JOAN LAUGHS) I'm talking about the knife.
This isn't just any ordinary knife, Joanie.
It's our history.
Cool.
I want to see.
Smell it.
- (SNIFFS) - That's the smell of all the turkeys our forefathers ate.
It smells like pine.
Well, I also use it to trim the Christmas tree, but this knife was my father's.
Yeah, he was in Montgomery Ward, and it called out to him.
Uh, a really good knife always chooses you.
Plus, he had a coupon, and this is a man here I quote Who got the most from his dental floss.
This knife became part of our family that day, and my father always carved at Thanksgiving with this knife for 30 years.
And then one day, th-that honor was passed on to me.
Wow.
Will it choose me next? Well (STAMMERS) it needs to pass through several older generations first, but, uh, if those shoes of yours have rubber soles, - you could plug it in.
- Okay.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
(LAUGHS) (WHEEZING LAUGH): What are you doing? HEATHER (LAUGHING): I'm sorry.
- Look at your dad's knife.
- I know.
So sorry.
Ow.
Uh, looks like it's carving time.
Who else is feeling munchie? - What? - What? (KNIFE WHIRRING) Whoa! A little more kick this year, huh? Right? Yeah, sweetie, come over here, sit by me.
Ooh, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! Dad! - John, our table! - Oh, it's fine.
I-I can sand it out.
(GRUNTING) (SIGHS) Well, looks like my time has ended.
The knife is ready to choose someone new.
It's a special day.
Matt? Really? Well, you don't have much else.
Thank you.
Oh, babe, it's all right.
(CHUCKLES) - Come on, Matt.
- You got it.
(GRUNTS) JOAN: Oh! Well, no surprises there.
It's all right.
I don't really like responsibility, anyway.
My turn.
(CLEARS THROAT) TYLER: Don't we have other knives? Times like this call for a little extra testosterone.
JOAN: Oh, Greg, you should have your girdle for this.
(PANTS, GRUNTING) Okay, you want to know what, if you guys will just give me a few minutes to stretch, I can really get at it, I'm sure.
Why don't you just have Tim do it? Yeah, how about my dad? Hmm? Yeah, I'll have another piece.
No, babe, the knife.
Oh.
Cool.
Here, hold this, babe.
- Oh, thanks.
Oh, honey.
- Oh.
Mom, d oh, okay.
Mmm.
Mmm.
(LAUGHS) (CHEERING) I freaking love you, babe! Sure, after I loosen it up for him.
Yeah, you did that.
The knife has chosen! - (MUFFLED): Yay for Tim! - Yes! - Not sure I agree with the choice.
- Shh.
I've never felt so much power.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! - (KNIFE WHIRRING) Hey, thank you, John, for the honor.
I will not let you down, any of you! - No! - Okay.
The Short family knife is safe with me.
(ALL SCREAMING) Oh, that is deep! - Dad! - Oh, my God! I see bone! I see bone! Oh! Oh, my God! Shut it off! Greg! Shut off the knife! Yeah, okay! Ow! It's just raw wire! I'm gonna throw up! You're a doctor! It's ear, nose and throat, not ear, nose and thumb! (CLAMORING CONTINUES) I'm calling an ambulance.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Sam, get some bandages! Samantha! Oh, right.
Sorry, I thought I already did this.
Um, Thanksgiving.
A time to give thanks for the big things in life, like - John! - I got this.
The knife's not gonna hurt me.
- Corn - I'm going down.
- HEATHER: No, you're not.
- TIM: I'm going down.
Aah! It's gone rogue! - Happy Thanksgiving.
- (GROANING) - Kill it! - I can't get it! Kill it! Yeah! God! - (WHIRRING STOPS) - (LAUGHS) Hey, John.
What has one usable thumb and wants to apologize for ruining Thanksgiving dinner? And dessert.
I mean, you plunged your bloody hand into the ice cream.
I don't remember that.
I must've blacked out.
We-we ate around it.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
I can't accept this.
Maybe later I'll be able to earn the right to Ooh.
Aah! - Aah! - My toe! Oh!