Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s03e04 Episode Script

I just love going to these charity events in the midafternoon.
I say we get in, make an appearance, and get out.
Isn't Perry expecting you to be auctioned off? I told him I wasn't available.
Am l? Lois, we've already been over this.
oh, yeah.
You love me too much for us to be together, right? How come when you repeat what I say, it sounds so dumb? Because it is dumb.
You're completely overreacting.
Really? If you'd never met me-- I wouldn't be putting myself in danger because I know you'll get me out of it and bad guys wouldn't be putting me in danger in order to get to you.
Trouble has a way of finding you, Lois.
Especially, when I'm around.
Maybe I'm a jinx.
Why don't you go inside? I'll park the car.
Look, Clark, I know you worry about me, but you gotta relax.
It's not like everywhere I go there's bombs exploding.
Who'll bid 35? Come on, fellas.
Dinner with Brenda Bessolo.
It's a steal.
Hey, there's 35, do I hear 40? We got 35, who'll bid a 40? -Who'll bid a 40, bid a 40, bid a 40? -Lois.
I'm glad you're finally here.
Listen, can I borrow 20 bucks? Monica Sherwood's up next, and l think she's gonna go for around 50 and I'm a little light.
Young love.
Thank you.
Hold it, everybody.
Get down! Get down! Clark? Lois! Are you all right? Yeah, I guess so.
Somebody set off a gas bomb.
Don't say it.
It was a fluke, a freak occurrence.
Did I say anything? Somebody, please help! -The Scepter of Claudius has been stolen.
-Scepter of who? Claudius.
The Roman Emperor.
It's worth over a million dollars.
Maybe you are a jinx.
-Judas Priest, another one.
-Another murder? Y eah, same deal as before: a young woman, body dumped in the alley.
It appears to be some sort of ritual.
oh, God.
This thing heats up, I'm gonna pull you two off that robbery story.
-How's it coming, anyway? -Just finished it.
oh, boy.
You two are fantastic.
I've never seen a more natural pairing since Hepburn and Tracy.
or Homer and Marge.
Charles and Di.
Hey.
You know who took the scepter? What? What are you talking about? Well, it says right here.
"We have a lead on the robber's identity, and are waiting for police corroboration.
" I thought I could smoke out the culprit.
And put yourself right back in jeopardy.
You know-- Help? Someone help me.
I just remembered I have to fill a prescription before the drug store closes.
Excuse me.
Clark? -What'd you hear? -A cry for help.
-It's coming from the museum.
-one artifact's already been stolen.
-I'm going.
-No, you're staying.
Forget it.
We're a team, remember? -Lane and Kent.
-Yes, Lane and Kent are a team.
This is a job for Superman.
You won't get away with this.
The police will hunt you down.
-You'll spend the rest of your life in jail.
-Enough! You really shouldn't do that.
oh, no.
You're gonna have to pay for that case.
oh, Superman, thank God you're here.
I was just telling this thug that-- You.
Put the crown back.
You know, I thought you might show up.
So I brought along a bit of insurance.
Lois.
What? -Are you okay? -Y eah.
Yeah.
He got away.
If you go after him, you might be able to catch him.
-Are you all right? -I'll live.
What exactly are you doing here? We agreed you would wait for me.
No, no.
You wanted me to wait, I wanted to come.
I came.
What if the explosion had been bigger? What if I didn't see you? If I'd gotten hurt, it would have been my own fault.
Hey, Superman! Hello? Sorry.
All right.
Now hopefully we can finish off this auction without any more interruptions.
So I want everybody to dig deep for their wallets and just remember, this is for charity.
Thanks.
I'll call you back.
Another murder.
A woman cut up the same way after the robbery last night.
And you want the story.
It's not bad enough you almost got blown up.
Maybe we're already on the story.
A robbery, then a murder.
Another robbery, then another murder.
Excuse me.
But do you all think maybe you could take a break for maybe five minutes? Thank you.
All right.
Let's see who's first up on the auction block this morning? I think I'm next, Perry.
Now, Lois, I thought you and Clark were-- Let's just make some money for the kids.
All right.
Gentlemen, here she is: Ms.
Lois Lane, our prize reporter.
So why don't we start the bidding off at say, $20.
-Twenty.
-Hey, there's 20, do I hear 25? I'm looking for 25.
Who'll bid a five, bid a five, bid a $25 for her? -Twenty-five.
-There's $25, do I hear 30? -Who'll bid a 30, bid a $30 for her? -Thirty.
Thirty dollars.
We got $30.
Who'll bid 35? Do I hear a five, bid a five, bid a five, bid $35 for her? -one hundred dollars.
-Way to go, Richie.
one-fifty.
one hundred and fifty.
Way to go, Clark.
We got 1 50.
Do I hear 1 55? Do I hear 1 55? Who'll bid a five, bid a five, bid a 1 55 for her? Richie, you're not gonna let Clark steal her away for a measly $1 50, are you? It's tax deductible.
All right.
one-fifty going once.
-one-fifty going twice.
-T en thousand.
-Ten thousand? -Patrick? In the flesh.
Sir, is that 1 0,000 American dollars? Any way you want it.
Dollars, pounds, rubles, gold bars.
Well, sir, I thank you.
And the children thank you.
All right.
What are you doing in Metropolis? I'm here on business.
You look great.
You filled out in all the right places.
You look great too.
oh, Clark, this is Patrick Sullivan.
I met him when I was an exchange student in lreland.
I'm sorry for outbidding you, lad, but Lois and I go way back.
The very thought of having her all to myself for the night, it sent shivers down my spine and directly into my wallet.
Clark Kent is my colleague at the Planet.
oh, I've seen the poster.
The other half of Lane and Kent.
That's quite a grip you got there, Clark.
You must work out.
Not really.
So how's your father? I'm afraid he's had a bit of an illness and had to check into a hospital.
oh, I'm sorry.
oh, Patrick's dad was the greatest storyteller.
Druids and wizards and virgin sacrifices.
He made up all this creepy stuff.
What makes you think he made it up? So $1 0,000.
You didn't happen to see that movie Indecent Proposal? Yes.
So I loved it.
Anyway, I thought we might have a little dinner at my hotel.
-At your hotel? -Excuse me.
Your hotel sounds great.
I could've taken more.
That explosion stopped Superman cold.
We're here for a very specific reason, or have you forgotten? -No.
-Good.
Now is no time for greed.
Yes? My guest is here.
Make yourself scarce.
Colleen.
Hi.
So you do remember her.
Colleen raised me from a pup and has been stuck with me ever since.
So nice to see you again.
Well, I'm sure that you two must have a lot to talk about.
-oh, Colleen, you don't have to leave.
-Colleen rather die than feel in the way.
Isn't that right, Colleen? You're obviously doing very well at whatever it is you're doing.
I took over Father's business.
I always thought he was a junk man but I've learned that one man's junk is another man's "fine antique.
" So you deal in antiques.
Jeez, these are beautiful.
But not for sale.
It's been in the family for years.
I like to travel with a little piece of home.
What about you? My Lois has become a famous reporter.
Well, I'd hardly say famous.
You're too modest.
I saw your story this morning about the theft.
I find it amazing that you already know who the guilty party is.
Well, maybe I exaggerated a little.
-How little? -Let's not talk about work.
A toast to us.
Us? I'm sorry.
You're probably seeing someone.
Clark? It's complicated.
How complicated can it be? Either you're seeing him or you're not.
Well, at the moment, not exactly.
Splendid.
He seems like a fine man, but he doesn't strike me as the romantic type.
Did he sweep you off your feet? A few times.
So, what about you? Are you seeing somebody? No.
No.
I had the love of my life in my clutches, but I let her get away.
If I had to do it over again, I'd make sure she never left me.
Mom, people already use her to get to me.
Imagine what would happen if people found out that Lois was married to Superman.
The trouble is I just can't stop thinking about her.
of course, I still love her.
That's why this hurts so much.
Mom, I gotta go.
Yeah.
Tell Dad I said, "Bye.
" okay.
I love you too.
Mr.
Kent? I'm Veronica Kipling from the museum.
May I come in? I was on my way home, I live conveniently nearby and I thought I'd drop off those photos you phoned me about.
You're much cuter in person than your poster.
How did you know my address? oh, my cousin lsadore works for the DMV.
This place has such possibilities.
Just move in? No.
So, what can you tell me about this stolen crown? It was made for Claudius, the ruler of Rome from 45 A.
D.
until 54 A.
D.
Think it has anything to do with the stolen scepter? Definitely.
I'm just looking for something to piece the two of them together.
-I'm sorry, can I offer you something to-- -Got any meat? No.
Oh, look.
Here's something right here.
Both the crown and the scepter have large emeralds.
In fact, the stones look almost identical.
It's possible they both came from an earlier artifact.
It was common practice for the Romans, after they finished pillaging plundering, raping, impaling, and whatever to take stones from their spoils and turn them into stuff they liked better.
You're not married, am I right? Excuse me.
okay, I admit I'm high maintenance in the relationship area.
I can be demanding and headstrong and occasionally stubborn.
-Lois? -But it's only because I care.
I'm not ready to let you walk away just because you think l-- Clark, there's a woman in your apartment.
I know.
This is Ms.
Kipling from the museum.
She brought me these photos.
Turns out Clark and l are practically neighbors.
Now I know who to call if I blow a fuse.
Yes.
Well, this probably isn't a good time to bare my soul.
I'll be leaving.
Believe me, Lois, this is not what it looks like.
It's 1 0:00 at night, and you're entertaining a woman.
See right there.
"Entertaining.
" That's the wrong word.
We're investigating.
-She is helping me investigate.
-I thought I did that.
or did you dump me in that department too? -Would you cut it out, please? -okay, say tonight is perfectly platonic.
The night'll come when it won't be.
For one of us.
How do you think we should handle that? I hadn't actually thought about it.
Maybe you should.
Good night, Ms.
Kipling.
Boy, she doesn't take rejection well, does she? Be careful with that.
The Eyes of lreland.
I can feel the power of the ancient Druids flowing through them.
The power flows down through the centuries.
Undimmed by time.
And into my hands.
Clark, this is a great article on the thefts.
I didn't know you were so well versed on Roman history.
-I had a little help, chief.
-Yeah.
Very complete story.
Ms.
Kipling must've been there most of the night.
And how was your dinner with Patrick? Really nice.
As a matter of fact, we're having lunch this afternoon.
Lunch.
That's great.
This is a lovely idea.
I hope you won't mind if I pick your brain for a few minutes.
You can pick any part of me you'd like.
I'll bet you want to know about the emeralds in Clark's article.
Do you think his theory makes sense? I haven't seen the stones myself, but if they're close in size and cut they may be from the same source.
Somebody could have stolen the scepter and the crown to recover the emeralds? It's possible.
I'll ask around if you want.
If I can determine where the stones originally came from I might be able to figure out who took them.
You always were the most tenacious girl I've ever met.
-I've gotten worse with age.
-But I think you've gotten better.
Clark Kent? of Lane and Kent? Yes? I'm Colleen Foley.
I was his nurse, you see.
oh, I don't want him to see me.
-Him? -He can't free himself from the curse.
-Who can't free himself from what curse? -I can say no more.
But you haven't said anything.
I didn't mention that you must keep Lois Lane away from my Patrick? No.
But believe me, there is nothing I would like better.
-Look, if Lois is in danger, then l-- -Excuse me.
What? What? oh, very well.
-Erin says to tell you.
-Who is Erin? The wee leprechaun who sits on my shoulder.
You have a leprechaun that sits on your shoulder? My Patrick has changed in the past few days.
Since he got hold of the sacred emeralds.
Sacred emeralds? Big identical emeralds? -Why, yes.
-okay.
Now how has Patrick changed? Patrick's father was a wonderful man.
All the Sullivan men are wonderful men.
Until the day the darkness passes over their minds, and they go mad.
Patrick's father is in a hospital.
For the criminally insane.
He believes he's a Druid priest.
Can you imagine anything so silly? Quiet, Erin, I'm getting to that.
one night, he conducted a holy Druid ritual in the woods.
And sacrificed Patrick's mother to his gods.
-What? -A horrible ritual with a knife.
Just like the women who are dying in Metropolis.
He loves Lois.
Now that he has the emeralds he believes that he must make a sacrifice to the one he loves most.
But why? So all the power of his Druid ancestors might be returned into his hands.
-I'll do what I can, Ms.
Foley.
-oh, I knew you would.
I can always spot an lrish lad.
Jimmy Olsen.
Jimmy, I need you to get phone numbers for all the psychiatric hospitals in Dublin.
-lreland? -Yeah.
And call Veronica Kipling at the museum and see what she knows about Druids.
-Did you say Druids? -Y es.
-You know where Lois is having lunch? -No, she didn't say -but you could try beeping her.
-Good idea.
And I'd love to show you my home in Balbriggan.
on a clear day, you can see England from the bedroom window.
It sounds wonderful.
I always hoped I'd see you again, but I figured when I did we'd be old and gray.
And yet here we are, still young and single.
Imagine that.
Your purse is beeping.
I guess an hour off is too much to ask for.
Lois.
Patrick.
What a surprise.
It certainly is.
You just happened to be out for a stroll? I was just sitting in the newsroom and suddenly a walk in the park seemed like a really good idea.
Well, I have to be getting back, anyway.
Thanks for lunch.
We should do it again soon.
How about dinner tonight? I know this great little lrish pub.
Casey's on Main Street.
I'll meet you there.
Maybe you'd like to walk me back to the office? Sure.
okay.
Let's hear it, and don't tell me you were out for a walk.
I think Patrick could be dangerous.
oh, right.
He was trying to kill me with truffles.
I'm serious.
Look at all the trouble that's happened since he got here.
-I'm telling you, the guy is trouble.
-I don't understand you.
You want me out of your life, but if anyone else shows interest you come charging in like some bodyguard with this crazy accusation.
-It's not a crazy accusation.
-oh, it's not? -No.
-Then what is it? It's quite possible that Patrick stole the emeralds and plans to sacrifice you to the ancient gods.
-Bye now.
-I got it straight from his nurse, Colleen.
Colleen? Clark, she talks to leprechauns.
Well, I can't argue with you there.
She told me about the Druids and their sacrifices of women to-- She's probably confusing reality with the stories Patrick's father told us.
And Patrick's father is in a hospital because he's criminally insane.
No, he's in a hospital because he's having a fatty cyst removed.
Patrick told me all about it.
Look, you can't have it both ways.
We're either together or we're not.
Patrick? What are you doing? After all these years, how could you betray me? -Betray you? I would never-- -Don't.
Shamus told me about your little meeting with Mr.
Kent.
I'm only trying to help you.
The mask is all the help I need.
once I possess it, the power of the ancients will be restored and with it, the honor to my family.
But we can't have you running all over the city saying: "The Druids are coming.
" Now, can we? So Mr.
Sullivan is not a patient there? Sorry.
My mistake.
Four down, one to go.
oh, Clark.
The things I do for you, mister.
It took hours in the museum vault.
Pardon.
But I found the stuff you wanted on Druids.
God, I inhaled so many dust bunnies you could clog a Hoover.
The Druids were a powerful order of ancient Celtic priests driven from power by the Romans.
-I know what Druids are.
-So few do.
This was very nice, but you didn't have to bring all this down here yourself.
oh, that's okay.
How do you think I stay in such good shape? Hours in the gym alone can't do it.
So how do you stay in shape? You know, I really do appreciate this, but I really have to get back to work.
oh, okay.
Fine.
You don't have to drop a house on me.
Crawl through a museum basement for somebody and you think you could get just a little appreciation.
Just don't say anything.
Yes, hello, I'd like to speak to Colin Sullivan, please.
Yes, but it's very important.
It's regarding his son.
I see.
Well, thank you.
He's there, but he can't come to the phone because he's a criminally restricted patient.
Do you think this Druid sacrifice could be true? I don't know, but I'm not gonna sit around and find out.
-Lois is having dinner with that guy.
-And you're gonna what? Go there all by yourself and stare at them? Veronica.
Veronica.
So do you like lrish food? -Undefeated.
I'm impressed.
-Don't be.
This is how I spent four years of college.
I can't tell you much about literature or geology but I can hit a bull's-eye nine times out of 1 0.
Imagine running into you two.
Well, this town's smaller than you think.
Yeah.
Every time I turn around you seem to be there.
I tend to cover a lot of ground.
Patrick, this is Veronica Kipling.
I can't believe you followed me.
Veronica, Patrick Sullivan.
Not Patrick Sullivan, dealer in ancient antiquities -not that Patrick Sullivan.
-I'm afraid so.
Please.
So, Patrick, how is the antique business? Made any new acquisitions lately? No.
I'm always on the lookout for interesting trinkets.
Hey, Patrick, the board's open.
-You play? -A little.
oh, Patrick, I'm not really hungry, why don't we just go.
I never back away from a challenge.
Gee, I thought you challenged me.
Men.
Can't live with them, can't shoot them.
So do your trinkets include rare gems? I deal in all sorts of things.
Your throw.
What brings you to Metropolis? Some big deal? Here to make a killing? You never know.
Wow.
Last dart.
I'd appreciate a bit of silence.
No problem, sure.
I wouldn't wanna ruin your concentration.
Your turn.
All units in the vicinity of Broadway and Tenth.
Two fifteen.
-Silent alarm robbery in progress.
-Everything okay? I just remembered I have to make a phone call.
A call? You' re conceding the game? Wow.
You know, that's just like Robin Hood.
This was fun.
We should do it again some time.
-Hold it right there.
-Lois, I really gotta get going.
You owe me an apology and an explanation and they both better be good.
I found out that Patrick's father really is locked away in a hospital for the insane.
-You had Colleen's story checked out? -Can we talk when I get back? For once I would like to finish a conversation with you.
-We can talk about it on the way.
-on the way? You're serious.
oh, Clarkey.
Clarkey, where are you two going? That phone call that he had to make, I have to make it too.
-I'll see you home.
-No.
No.
Here.
Here's the cab fare.
He is just so jealous.
Taxi! Clarkey? I mean, I can live with being replaced, but really.
At least she's never sacrificed anyone.
That I know of.
Just because his father's in an institution does not mean he's a Druid.
-But it could.
-I think you want Patrick to be guilty.
If I were seeing Gandhi you'd accuse him of being a car thief or something.
-Jealousy? Is that what this is about? -Yes.
Apparently, the green-eyed monster is more powerful than you are.
By the way, I wouldn't be seeing Patrick or Gandhi if you hadn't started this whole thing in the first place.
There's the bank.
I'll drop you where you'll be -out of danger.
-out of danger.
What happened? Some guy in a hood came in when we were locking up.
He made me open up the vault, then tied us up and broke into a safe-deposit box.
-Do you have any idea what he took? -I'm not sure but it looked like some kind of a mask.
-How long ago did he leave? -oh, he's long gone by now.
I wish you could've gotten here sooner.
I was detained with other business.
Can you tell me the name of the person whose box was broken into? No offense, Superman, that information is confidential.
The police can handle it from here.
It's beautiful.
The Mask of the Ancient Ones will finally be restored and its mystical powers will be mine.
For centuries, the Druid priests of my clan have been forced into hiding, scorned and ridiculed.
That's all going to change.
You can feel the magic.
It's time we made our final offering to the Ancient ones.
It's very important I speak to Mr.
o'Neil as soon as he gets in.
Thanks.
Hi, neighbor.
Got your message.
What message? I didn't leave you any message.
Sure, you did.
Your mind reached out and said drop off some egg rolls if I was in the vicinity.
It didn't.
I swear.
It's 9 a.
m.
oh, good, because all I could find was bagels.
-You're right, I couldn't agree more.
-Excuse me? I was responding to your thoughts.
Small weddings are much more romantic.
Star, I wasn't thinking about my wedding.
What would be the point? -I don't think I'm gonna have one.
-Well, not if you keep seeing other men.
Lucky guess, right? Lois, your brain's like a cheap TV full of static.
But one thing is coming through loud and clear: You love Clark.
Yes, I love Clark.
I love him so much, and he is so dumb.
So, what is this confusion I'm getting? Patrick? Well, it's hard not to feel flattered by someone when I'm feeling so rejected.
-But Patrick, he's not like the-- -The real thing? No.
-I gotta run.
-Go.
oh, stop.
-Don't open the cabinet.
-What cabinet? You were thinking about this, this cabinet, with glowing rocks.
No, I wasn't.
I was thinking about Patrick.
I gotta get this thing fixed.
Thanks for coming over.
I want to know what you heard about the thefts.
I'm on the phone, but I'll be a couple of minutes then I'll fill you in.
Make yourself at home.
How does she do it? Well, I finally finished Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Druids but Were Afraid to Ask.
Hang on.
Hello, Mr.
o' Neil? Y eah, this is Glen Whitmore from the FDlC.
We'd like to process your loss, but first we need a description of the items that were stolen from your safety-deposit box.
okay.
All right, we'll get back to you as soon as we can.
Have a nice day.
Thank you.
Let me guess.
Something from the Claudius Collection.
Not this time.
It's an lrish artifact called "The Mask of the Ancient Ones.
" Sounds familiar.
I don't know why I let Clark do this to me.
I'm not gonna find anything.
It's ridiculous to think Patrick has anything to do with-- A cabinet.
And a green glow.
-I don't believe it.
-I'm afraid it's true.
Patrick, is this the mask that was stolen last night? The Mask of the Ancient Ones.
-What's going on? -It's quite simple.
The power of my people is about to be returned.
And now that you're here, the ceremony can begin.
The mask was made by a Druid sorcerer.
Anyone who wears it is supposed to take on his powers.
It says on the back that the mask had matching emeralds.
The Druids were overthrown by the Romans during the reign of Claudius.
Who pulled the emeralds out and put them in his scepter and crown.
Sullivan is trying to repair the mask, hoping its powers will be restored.
I just got off the phone with the police.
They fished another body out of the lake.
They lD'd it as Colleen Foley.
Jimmy, get ahold of Lois.
T ell her to stay away from Patrick Sullivan.
Patrick, please don't do this.
Hush, my sweet.
-It's over.
-Not yet.
Shamus.
Your turn.
I am ready.
Your power does not compare to mine.
We'll see about that.
And now prepare for your death.
What happened? I guess the green-eyed monster wasn't so powerful after all.
Boy, I have some batting average, huh? Two men in my life, one dumps me and the other tries to kill me.
Lois.
You're not gonna lecture me again, are you? No.
No more lectures.
Hi.
Hi.
You got a minute? Come in.
So no hot date tonight with Veronica? There was nothing between us, Lois.
You know that.
I guess so.
-Look, we should talk.
-We should talk.
-You first.
-You first.
okay.
You know how, because I'm Superman I've never had a cold or the flu, so I don't know how that feels.
Well, all that has changed since I fell in love with you.
You saying loving me is like being sick? Kind of.
It's like I had a fever, and I got a little delirious.
So I said and I did some crazy things.
But I'm better now.
Cured.
So you're not in love with me anymore? Lois, I am completely in love with you.
And I realize that turning my back on that love is way more dangerous than any hypothetical criminal could ever be.
Lois, I miss you.
Me too.
I've been wrong about some things but not about this.
No.
No? Clark, you saved my life today for a millionth time.
You were there for me.
I will always be there for you.
Until the next time you decide to break my heart for my own good.
I survived it this time.
I don't think I would again.
You know, you saving my life does not give you the right to live my life.
Nobody has that right but me.
Not you.
And not Superman.
Lois, if you want me to leave, I will.
But please, don't shut me out of your life.
Well, there's tomorrow, the Planet.
Lane and Kent.
The hottest team in town.
News team.
Good night.
Good night.