Lopez vs. Lopez (2022) s03e04 Episode Script

1
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Happy birthday to me ♪
ALL: Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday, dear George ♪
A little louder!
ALL: Happy birthday to you ♪
[DOG HOWLS]
Yay!
- Happy 63rd birthday, Dad.
- Oh, thanks, Mayan.
This is my first sober
birthday since I was 16.
I started drinking late.
It's a miracle you still
know when your birthday is.
I don't.
I sing "Happy Birthday"
every morning, just in case.
But I'm gonna remember this
year, so make it memorable.
Boop!
Well, we all chipped in to
get you a little something.
Gimme, gimme, gimme! Oh!
The hell is this?
It's a shower chair for seniors.
But anyone can use it.
You're always talking about how sleepy
you get in the shower.
Which is why I don't do it that often.
Yeah, well the receipt's in the bag
if you wanna return it.
So you're giving me an
errand to run on my birthday?
Thank you. Maybe I can
exchange it for some catheters.
[PHONE DINGS]
Nana, you just missed a
call from Cochino Number One.
But Grandpa's right here.
It's just my two-timing ex, Josué.
Since he broke your nana's heart,
I'm now Cochino Number Two.
Mom, why is he calling you?
They always come crawling back, Mayan.
Usually because I kick them
in the knees before they go.
You're not getting back
together with him, are you?
No.
I am never speaking to him again.
I am D-O-N-E.
Are you spelling stuff so
Grandpa won't understand?
Who cares what she said?
Today is about M-I, me.
Now in the words of Marie Antoinette,
[IMITATES FRENCH ACCENT]
Mayan, go on and slice the cake.
Oh-ho.
Chance, don't leave your skateboard
in the middle of the floor.
- Someone could get hurt.
- I got it.
I used to skateboard
drunk in my underwear.
Everybody in the neighborhood
would call me Chonie Hawk.
I'd put my underwear
like a thong to go faster.
Dad, watch out!
- Oh, my God!
- Did you break anything?
I got him. I don't got him.
I don't need any help.
We should get him to a doctor.
He might have broken his hip.
Oh! Mexico's four hours away.
We don't have time for that. I'm fine.
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
♪
So I skateboarded into the kitchen,
crashed face-first
into my birthday cake,
then fell flat on my pompis.
They didn't laugh?
What is wrong with them?
I mean, I've fallen
into ditches, toilets,
the fountains at the Bellagio.
They always laughed.
When old people fall, it is hilarious.
But I'm not old.
Oh, no. It's starting.
[SHOUTING] Do you know where you are?
You and I are practically the same age.
I'm 20 years younger than you, dude.
You could be my dad.
- Could you be my dad?
- Oh.
I mean,
when I look in the
mirror, I see a young,
rakishly handsome bon vivant.
Don't you see him, Oscar?
Where is he? Behind Edward James Olmos?
♪
Glen Powell in my kitchen?
Hurry up and kiss me
before my fiancé gets home.
Yeah, I'm on day 12 of my 90-day
"build a booty" workout challenge.
Mm!
I'm about to be tight
and right for our wedding.
Those shorts are certainly tight.
I will certainly put on a
second pair of underwear.
- What is that?
- It's a medical alert necklace for my dad
in case he falls again and
nobody's around to help him.
He's never gonna wear that.
Oh, he will if I tell him
it used to belong to Mr. T.
My dad needs to accept
that he's getting older.
Quinten, you ready
to roll and get swole?
[GRUNTS]
I am so sorry, George.
I have to ask you about your hair.
The answer is yes.
I finally stopped dying it gray.
You can take the silver out of the fox,
but you can't take
the fox out of the fox.
I didn't know you could
Sharpie a whole head of hair.
You ready to go to the gym?
I'm trying to get ripped up.
I'm trying to get
that V-cut right there.
Boom!
Oh, why did I let my
eyes follow his hands?
Yeah.
Oh, before you go, I have
another birthday gift for you.
- Oh?
- It used to belong to Mr. T.
All right! That's what's up.
That's a little before my time.
I don't know who that
is, but thanks, all right?
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
I'm here.
You look upset.
Did you eat something you cooked?
Chance's school just
called and said that
he used curse words in class.
Ay, Dios! He did?
Which ones?
If I say them out loud,
you're gonna make me go to confession.
- He said
- [TEXTING BLIPS]
[PHONE SWOOSHES]
[PHONE DINGS]
[GASPS]
- No!
- Yes.
- And then he said
- [TEXTING BLIPS]
[PHONE SWOOSHES]
[PHONE DINGS]
Ay, Dios!
And then he finished it off with
[TEXTING BLIPS]
[PHONE DINGS]
Ay, Mayan!
Now I have to throw away this phone!
Where did he even
learn to talk like that?
I know where from you!
Kids repeat everything they hear.
But Quinten and I don't even swear.
We're pretty gosh darn lame.
Agreed.
But that's not what I mean.
You let him be exposed to all
kinds of inappropriate things
violent video games,
racy TikToks, George.
Mom, shielding your kid from everything
doesn't guarantee how
they're gonna turn out.
You didn't give me "the talk"
until I was four months pregnant.
And you didn't listen.
What do you think I should do, Mom?
Clearly, Chance needs better
role models, like Jesus or moi.
I am going to take him to my place
this afternoon for a glorious session
of Bible study and religious education.
Oh, that's perfect!
I was having trouble figuring out
how I was gonna punish him.
♪
[HISSING]
[GRUNTS] 100.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, 300!
Whoo!
That was only three presses,
but you probably lost
five pounds of sweat.
Aw, gross, man. They
gave me a dirty towel.
You wanna take a break, buddy?
Maybe talk about what's happening here?
Yeah, you know, I don't wanna
talk about it, all right?
I wanna be about it.
Hey, yo, I wanna use this bench.
Isn't your grandpa supposed to
be at a "Sopranos" convention?
Spot me. Oh.
Hey, I'm not his grandpa, all right?
Whatever.
I don't need to know
why a buffalo and a duck
are hanging out.
Why don't you get out of
here and take that moldy mop
on your head with you?
Is that right?
All right, hey.
It's all yours.
I gotta work on my lats anyways.
You did the mature thing
walking away, George.
I didn't come over here for that.
I came over here for this.
Hey, fool!
You mess with the buffalo,
you get the smoothie.
- [CRACKING]
- Ow!
George! Your shoulder!
It sounded like someone
snapped a crisp carrot.
- Come here!
- Just let it hang!
Let it hang! Oh!
I don't need any help!
Silver alert!
Senior down! Senior down!
I'm not a senior! I'm not down!
This isn't Mr. T's necklace!
Ah! Just let it hang!
Ooh! Ooh!
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
Nana, can I take a break?
I've read three hours of Bible
and watched "The Ten
Commandments" twice.
That's 20 commandments!
No break until you color all the popes
in "The Big Coloring Book of Papas."
Pretty sure Jesus has forgiven me.
Why can't you?
Ay, mi Gordo!
Of course I forgive you.
It's not your fault that
you cursed at school.
Like most things, it's
because your parents
don't go to church.
[PHONE RINGS]
It's my sister. Start coloring.
And if you get a hand
cramp, that just means
the Holy Spirit is at work.
You ready to go home, Chance?
[DOOR SHUTS]
Ah, "The Big Coloring Book of Papas."
Been there.
- Where's your nana?
- She's on the phone with Tía Mari.
Can you [BLEEP] believe
this mother[BLEEP] has been calling me?
Huh? After everything that he did!
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
He is a real [BLEEPING]
[SPEAKING SPANISH] [BLEEP], [BLEEP].
Mom!
Ay! Hang on, Mari.
My [BLEEP] daughter is calling for me.
♪
I've got an ice pack
and a defibrillator.
Pick your poison.
The hell, man? I'm fine.
Stop treating me like
I'm about to break.
You're not about to
break. You did break.
You threw that smoothie four feet.
your arm basically left your body.
Everybody needs to stop
treating me like I'm old.
And when I crashed
into my birthday cake,
you all should have laughed at me.
Instead, you showed
concern. Oh, so mean!
I'm sorry that we love you?
That's how you treat people
when you think they're about to die.
You can't control getting older, George.
All you can control is
how you let it affect you.
You wanna know why I come to the gym?
Yeah, so you don't hear
people whisper at your wedding,
"How did he get her?"
No.
Sort of.
I started coming because
I wanted to look good
walking down the aisle.
But after your fall,
I got a new motivation.
I I wanna have a
strong, fit body for you.
I know watching me work out
has awakened something in you,
but I can't do that to Mayan.
No!
I wanna be strong enough to
be able to help lift you up
when you get knocked down.
Man, I gotta tell you that
you've been helping me
stay on my feet ever since
I came back into the family.
And I'm really happy
that you're gonna be
my son-in-law, Quinten.
Hey, I'm glad you're feeling better.
Yeah, what would make me feel better
is if you guys worried less about me
and started to make fun of me more.
You want us to make fun of you?
Yeah!
And I'm not talking about light ribbing.
I wanna feel like I'm being abused.
Silver alert!
Senior abuse! Senior abuse!
I gotta get rid of this stupid thing!
Ow!
My eye!
Who did this?
I got him!
You!
Don't hurt me. I'm old.
Oh, let it hang!
♪
What's so important? I was
on the phone with my sister.
You were cursing like you
just got your own HBO special.
Chance and I could hear everything.
How could that be? The door was closed.
But your potty mouth was wide open.
I don't know if you know this,
but kids repeat everything they hear.
I guess I owe someone an apology.
You certainly d
Chance!
I am so sorry.
Those words weren't meant
for your innocent angel ears.
Can you find it in your
heart to forgive your nana?
Never make me color a pope again,
and you've got yourself
a [BLEEP] deal, Nana.
I'll go wash my mouth out.
Why were you using that
kind of language anyway?
It's not like you.
Remember when I said I was over Josué?
[SIGHS] I thought I was,
but since he's been calling,
I guess everything I had bottled up
has been coming out
in four-letter words.
Or sometimes eight-letter words.
The occasional 12-letter word.
Mom, I'm so sorry it's been so hard.
You know I'm here
whenever you need to talk.
- Always.
- Thank you.
And for the record, I
also agree that Josué
- is a real
- [TEXTING BLIPS]
[PHONE DINGS]
[GASPS]
Mayan!
Maybe you're not so lame after all.
I couldn't find any soap,
so I washed my mouth out with cookies.
♪
[UPBEAT SAXOPHONE MUSIC]
ALL: Surprise!
Another birthday party?
Come on, don't spoil me.
All right, you can spoil me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
our guest of honor to "The
Roast of George Lopez."
You guys are gonna make fun of me?
You really do love me, don't you?
We invited some of George's
friends here tonight.
They didn't come because they stopped
talking to him years ago.
That's how restraining orders work.
[LAUGHS]
However, we did bribe one of George's
long-time friends to come.
Introducing our roastmaster, Jeff.
Hey!
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Hola, Señor Citizen.
It's Jeff from high school!
Did you lose your hair, or
did it run away from your face?
Hey!
You're talking about my hair?
What about your hair?
You look like Beethoven if
he was in a mariachi band.
Let's roast!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
George Lopez has a
luscious, thick mane of hair.
- And that's just on his back.
- Oh!
George has inspired so many people
to have a C-section.
Look at the size of his head.
I mean, when you told us your mom split,
- you mean in half?
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Whoo!
George owns a moving
company, which is ironic
because, at his age, he
can barely move his bowels.
[LAUGHTER]
He doesn't like talking about it,
but George has gone to
bed with dozens of models.
Oh, nope, sorry. Misread that.
He's gone to bed with dozens of Modelos.
[LAUGHTER]
In honor of George tonight,
I'm gonna roll a big fatty.
And I'm not talking about pot.
That's how I gotta get him upstairs.
[LAUGHTER]
Everyone knows that
George loves a lowrider.
Probably because any
car he squeezes into
instantly becomes a lowrider.
[LAUGHTER]
Grandpa has an inflated ego,
which is why his head looks
like it's been blown up
by a bicycle pump.
[LAUGHTER]
Grandpa is sober, but this
actually isn't the first time
he stopped drinking alcohol.
That was during Prohibition
from 1927 to 1933.
You know, growing up, kids
in school used to beat George
with sticks because
they thought his head
- was filled with candy.
- Oh.
Let's face it, George.
Your head is so big, your name should be
George Lo Pez Dispenser.
What's with the hairstyle, George?
You look like Albert Einstein
if he invented the churro.
[LAUGHTER]
Happy birthday, pal.
Congrats on your good health.
You may be sober for
the rest of your life,
but you'll always look
like the worm at the bottom
of a tequila bottle.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
George is here tonight.
Yes, right, right?
Which is more than I can say
for him during my childhood.
My first words were "mama" and "who?"
Dad, we kid because we love you,
and the truth is, no matter your age,
- you're always young at heart.
- Mm-hmm.
Old at liver, lungs, and brain,
but young at heart.
I'd like to start by
thanking my beautiful family,
but they're in Cancun and
couldn't be here tonight,
so I'd like to thank this
very ugly family instead.
Ah.
Rosie, the time we were
married went by so fast.
It felt like 15 minutes.
Underwater.
Oh!
Quinten, you are really incredible.
Watching you makes me believe
in all kinds of possibilities,
like "what if mayonnaise could talk?"
Oscar is the hardest
working employee I have.
No matter how big the job
is, he's always done by 4:20.
My family is right
about one thing, though.
I am a fall risk.
Every morning I trip over the trampoline
Chance uses to get on the toilet.
Jeff, I know I acted surprised
when you walked in, but I wasn't.
You will literally show up to anything.
You'd come to the opening of a door.
Jeff is so ugly,
Beetlejuice says his name three times.
I may be old, but I've
seen lots of things.
I've seen the Mayan ruins.
I've seen Mayan ruin dinners,
Mayan ruin birthdays,
and Mayan ruin a good buzz.
But the one thing that actually makes me
feel good about my birthday
is that no matter how old I get
I could never love anyone or
anybody more than I love you.
♪