M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e04 Episode Script

[Airplane Passing Overhead.]
Do you believe that breakfast? Premature leftovers.
Another day in the R.
O.
K.
Nurse, I'm putting myself in your hands.
- That'll be a switch.
- Don't get fresh, Doctor.
I can't help it.
I have myself flown in fresh every day.
All right, people, everything shipshape in here? - Aye, aye, sir.
- Except the camp is taking on water.
Can the sarcastication, Captain and start taking a real interest in our effort.
Are you serious? I just made a big bet on the war.
- Yeah? Who do you like? - I got the United Nations and eight points.
I think that's a pretty good bet if MacArthur's shoulder holds out.
I certainly hope we're not gonna have this kind of tomfoolery - during General Kelly's inspection.
- Who's General Kelly? "Iron Guts" Kelly happens to be one of the greatest fighting generals in our nation's history.
I think I know him.
Always fights in purple trunks? Glass jaw? - Uh, Rad Jumpin' - Sir! He's here, sir.
- Any word on Gen - General Kelly just pulled in the compound.
Holy moley.
Okay, stash the polish.
I'll put it under "P.
" Camp cleaned up? No crap games? - No one's invited any business girls? - Yes, sir.
None, sir.
- Good, good.
I need a drink.
- The smell, sir.
I'll take vodka.
It doesn't have any.
Radar, come here a minute.
- What do you smell? - Bourbon.
Oh, rats.
I never should have had that before the vodka.
- Here, sir.
Have some gum.
- Oh, thanks, Radar.
Radar, I can't chew gum in front of a general.
Ten-hut! - Colonel Blake.
- Uh, sir? - I'm Colonel Wortman - Colonel.
Aide to Lieutenant General Kelly.
- General.
- Colonel.
- General.
- First-rate.
Uh-huh.
Uh, your treatment of the wounded.
The general's impressed with your high record of achievement in the mending of our men.
Thank you, General.
That's mighty nice.
- The men, that's what it's all about.
- That's what the general believes.
I believe in their care, their welfare.
Nothing's too good for the men.
A general marches on his men.
Yes, sir.
I'm sure, sir.
Is that one salute for the whole war, sonny? Hmm? Bet he lied about his age to get in.
He won't have to lie about his injuries to get out.
It kills me.
They're such babies.
When I was his age, I couldn't make up my mind whether to become a doctor or a fireman.
What'd you finally decide? Well, I'm a doctor, but I have a pole in my office.
Give me some suction here, Mr.
Kwang.
Psst.
Psst.
He's on his way, over here.
- Who's over here on his way? - General Kelly.
Iron Guts.
Never fails.
The one day I don't go to the beauty parlor.
- Shall we get out the good silverware? - This is the good silverware.
Uh-oh.
It's three stars at 12:00.
- Try to look busy for the general.
- Bleed at attention, please.
Yeah, that's good.
All right, go work on the next one.
- Yeah, okay.
- Doctors, we have a guest.
That's a relief.
I thought it was a stickup.
[Henry Laughing.]
Uh, Captains Pierce, Mclntyre, this is Lieutenant General Kelly.
Excuse us for not saluting, General.
Our hands are all full of"icch.
" What seems to be wrong with this soldier? Well, he's got a weight problem.
Caught about five pounds of lead in his belly.
You boys are certainly doing a fine job.
- You too, General.
- Pierce.
We could never do any of this without your help, sir.
Not at all.
I shudder to think what the army would do without you fine doctors.
Probably bleed all over themselves.
And what medical unit would be complete without these lovely angels of mercy? Please, general, don't contaminate our nurse.
If you'll step outside, sir, I'll have you sterilized.
They kid because of the tension.
- Yes, it helps create more.
- Uh, right.
Yes.
No.
Uh, Pierce Uh, sir, would you like to see X ray? Something may develop there.
- [Henry Laughs, Stammers.]
- Give me another one.
That's all right.
Likewise, I'm sure.
How about a little, uh, splash, General? - Do you drink during a war? - Are we under attack? I always feel that way, sir.
Well, I'll have a double rye.
- Uh, with soda? Water? - You got something against rye, Colonel? Uh, double rye for the general, Mr.
Kwok.
Colonel? I'll have the same as the general.
The colonel will have what the general is having and I'll have what the general and colonel are having.
- Rye, sir? - Right.
Only make mine scotch.
Yes, sir.
A little quiet around here for a war.
- Well, thank you, sir.
- The general means What I mean is, if I don't hear some good old-fashioned gunfire every now and again I think I'd go out of my mind.
Would you like me to send a few of my men out to the rifle range, sir? That's what you need around here some music.
- Thank you.
- [Coughing.]
Oh, uh, General Kelly, I'd like you to meet our very fine head nurse, Major Houlihan and, uh, Major Burns, one of our best surgeons, a real killer.
- Major.
- General.
- General.
- Major.
- And the general's aide, Colonel Wortman.
- Major.
- Colonel.
- Colonel.
- Major.
- Colonel.
- General.
Hmm? Oh, no.
My colonel, Colonel.
Oh, I'm sorry, General.
I got it all brass-backwards.
Uh, Colonel, maybe the majors will join us in a drink.
Just being in your presence is intoxicating enough, General.
A very kind thing to say.
We're always surprised that she can be kind, sir.
General, I wonder if I might take a snapshot for my scrapbook.
Sure, if you wanna take a chance on breaking your camera.
This all right with you, Major? - Oh, General, I'd be flattered.
- You back far enough, Frank? Excuse me.
- Oh! Your gun is digging into my thigh.
- Lucky gun.
Would you take a picture of me and the general with the major, Colonel? Oh, you got it.
Colonel Wortman, why don't you go along with Major Burns here and check out the unit's motor pool setup and see how closely it conforms to the Pentagon's new Franistan Plan.
Give it a good going-over.
Take your time, a couple ofhours at least.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, General? General, what is the Franistan Plan? A tremendous army research project for making crankcase oil edible after 5,000 miles.
Really? - Major? - Yes, Colonel.
General.
Oh, sorry.
How about a refill, General? Hmm? Oh, oh.
No, thanks, Colonel.
It's [Yawns.]
getting to be about that time.
Got to put the little old stars to bed.
Oh, well, then, I'll just show you the V.
I.
P.
Tent, sir.
Oh, that won't be necessary.
Oh, it's-it's no bother.
Whenever you're ready, General.
I'll see you in the morning, Colonel.
Oh, fine.
Then you probably won't be seeing any more of me right now.
I've got dirt to scratch and eggs to lay.
General.
Major.
- Pierce, wake up! Pierce! - Huh? - I've got to see you.
- Margaret, this is a recurring dream come true.
- My tent.
- Whatever you say.
Gee, now I wish I'd shaved last month.
- [Clattering.]
- What's up? I need your help.
I'm in trouble.
Terrible trouble.
And you, a nurse? Take two aspirin and give two to the rabbit.
- Please! - Please? [Man.]
Hey, Doc.
Come on over.
We're having a party with some of the local lovelies.
No, thanks.
I'm a happily unmarried man.
There's a lot of big brass around.
You guys got to keep it down or we'll have to pinch your girls.
- Devil.
- Yes, sir.
Probably a massive M.
I.
If his last words were "I shall return," don't wait.
I think his pulse stopped before he did.
This is terrible.
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.
I'm sure it's a first for him too.
- Did you try to resuscitate him? - How do you think he died? We've got to get him out of here.
Well, the only problem is all the walk's gone out of his legs.
[Knocking.]
Psst.
! Margaret, it's me.
It's Frank.
What do I do with him? - Well, this is no time to go into that.
- Not in front of the general.
Margaret, let me in.
I've got to talk to you.
I've got a terrible headache.
Well, it's not a "headache" visit.
I just wanna talk.
Just a minute, Frank.
[Clattering.]
- What is it, Frank? - Well, Margaret, l - What's going on? - Nothing's going on, Frank.
I just couldn't sleep.
- And we couldn't sleep.
- So we're all here not sleeping together.
- Gin.
- Get rid of them.
- You cheated.
- I did not.
- Give me 20 minutes.
- It's so unlike you having them here.
Well, it's all right, Frank.
It's unlike them too, so I know you cheated 'cause I taught you everything you know.
- Come again, Frank.
- Good night, Frank.
Don't you wish.
Just as I suspected a closet general.
Step right this way, sir.
- Trap.
- Check outside.
All clear.
Where are you taking him? To the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
- Will that be all right? - He doesn't seem to mind.
Hey, hey, hey.
All we need is for somebody to salute him.
He'd probably return it out of reflex.
Okay.
Come on.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.
What's wrong? Is the general ill? - He's a little past ill.
- What are you saying? - He's dead.
- Dead? What He can't be dead.
Look, we both studied "dead.
" This man's dead.
But he-he-he was fine a little while ago.
What happened? - Myocardial infarction.
- What does that mean? It means his pearl-handled guns are up for grabs now.
Well, this is horrible.
How did it happen? - Um - We'd rather not say.
Let's just say he expired in here.
He just V.
I.
P.
'ed away.
No.
He died in action, at the front.
That's what the headlines will read.
Leading his troops against overwhelming odds with shells bursting all around him until that one shell with his name on it caught up with him.
That's how General "Iron Guts" Kelly died.
Oh, I see.
Not, uh Oh.
I got a pretty good idea of how he really went but it's got to appear as though he died more meaningfully.
There is a Zen saying: "Just as a clay jar will sooner or later crumble while being lowered into a well so all generals must eventually perish in battle.
" All you have to do is sign the death certificate.
I'll fill in the details.
There's another Zen saying: "Only doctors with holes in head sign death certificates like gift vouchers.
" - Count us out.
- Then I'll have to order you.
- That's different.
- Then we refuse.
Is the captain aware of chain of command? Is the colonel aware of the Hippocratic oath? We have sworn never to misrepresent.
Never to use tongue depressors for shoehorns.
Never to have ourselves paged at the front.
And not to open the Acme Death Certificate Company.
History demands that the general die a glorious death.
You know where we can hire If you lie about the general dying in battle it's unfair to the thousands of guys who really did.
Not at all.
He was willing to die that way, hoping to die that way.
He was a nutcase.
I think dying this way may have saved his life.
Good night, Colonel.
I'll see you both at court-martial.
We'll be the ones with our hands on the Bible.
Uh, Captains.
Uh, I appeal to your patriotism, your sense of fair play.
- Make up your mind.
- Just one favor.
He's too heavy for me to lift.
Put the general in an ambulance, and I'll drive him to the front.
- That much we can do.
- But not a word of this to Hippocrates.
- You there! - [Yells.]
- Get me the war on the phone.
- The war, sir? The front, boy.
The front.
That's not a teddy bear? Uh, yes, sir.
Regulations against having the real kind.
Let's get on the stick.
- Do you have the number of the front, sir? - No, I don't.
Uh, is it an unlisted battle? Just get me an army sector where there's heavy fighting.
I've got to get there.
Uh, Eighth Army, Uh, Ra Here you go, sir.
Colonel Wortman here, aide to General Kelly.
What's the picture up there? Exchanging any heavy fire? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I see.
No fighting, but lots of diarrhea.
Why would you wanna go to the front to see that, sir? - It's not for me.
It's for the general.
- Oh.
Get me, um Get me Hill 413.
I know we've been trying to take it for weeks.
Hill 413.
Uh, yeah, uh, MASH 4077 th.
How's it going up there? Yeah? Uh, oh, right.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
We took that hill.
- What rotten luck.
- Well, you can't lose 'em all.
Don't you know where there's some action going on? Uh, well, there's always Rosie's place across the road.
Where's the morning paper? They've always got a war going.
Oh, we don't get this morning's paper for two weeks, sir.
Well, call around.
This is a war.
- Someone must be fighting it somewhere.
- Yes, sir.
The general's heavier than I thought.
About a hundred pounds of it is ego.
- Your end first.
- Okay.
This reminds me of medical school.
- We once took a cadaver to a football game.
- You're kidding.
He was a lot more fun than my date.
- [Knocking.]
- Who is it? - [Frank.]
It's me.
- Me who? Me.
Frank.
What is it, Frank? What do you mean, "Me who?" When I say "It's me"? How many me's do you know? Frank, you're the only "me" in my life.
Now, please go.
- What's the matter with you, Margaret? - I have a headache.
A tremendous headache.
It goes all the way down to my waist.
Get it, Frank? One of those headaches.
Something is going on around here, Margaret.
Oh, Frank, you're the only thing that's going on around here.
- I saw them.
- They're not here.
- Who's not here? - They're not, and he's not either.
He who? Nobody's here, Frank.
You and I are here.
And you're not even here, officially.
Margaret, I saw Pierce and Mclntyre fooling around with a body.
Well, you know what perverts they are.
A dead body.
Now, that's not their job.
Now, why are they suddenly acting like undertakers? Well, how do I know, Frank? Maybe they're moonlighting.
Frank, my headache is killing me.
What's the matter with everyone in this camp? The general's aide has me giving him a pillowcase count and a history of urology.
Pierce and Mclntyre are acting like body snatchers.
- And every time I come in here, you Ow! - [Screams.]
- Margaret, what is this? - What is this? What this? Well, it's a star.
A general's star.
Oh.
Well Well, if it's a general's star, then then-then it's a general's star.
Frank, my headache is leaking out of my ears.
- What's a general star doing in here? - Well, it's very simple, Frank.
General Kelly's daughter wants to be an army nurse and he wanted to see what her quarters would look like so he asked if he could come over and look at mine.
- Well, did he? - Did he what? - Look at yours? - Get out! Take your nasty little mind and your skinny little lips and get out, ferret face! - Oh, great.
Uh, sir, I think I found you a war.
- Where? You wanna give me your location again, please? Three miles northeast of Inchon longitude 70, latitude 27.
- Are they drawing heavy fire? - Sir, the enemy blew up two of our bridges but we recaptured the hill and there's heavy casualties on both sides.
Great.
Wonderful.
Well, I guess I'll let you get back to your fun.
Come on.
Your limousine is waiting.
[Women Giggling.]
Keep it down, girls.
- Hope this is dry enough for you.
- Can't be drier than I am.
Here's to "Iron Guts" Kelly.
He died with his boots on.
And his socks off.
- I found a sector that's being bombed.
- What a lucky sector.
Where's the ambulance? Well, it just pulled out.
We thought you took it.
- I didn't take the ambulance.
- Well, I should hope not, Colonel.
- It was full of floozies.
- Uh-oh.
Just what ambulance are we talking about, Major? Well, the one parked in front of the V.
I.
P.
Tent.
- Oh, my - They won't get far, Colonel.
I called the M.
P.
s.
That ambulance is going to be stopped and everyone inside arrested.
You can't do that.
That's restraint of trade.
Major if it's the last thing I do I'll see that you hang by your clusters.
What's the matter with him? Why did he jump on me like that? Are you blind, Frank? The man's crazy about you.
Right, Trap? - What? - Oh, yeah, Frank.
You're playing it just right hard to get.
You vixen.
What are you doing there? Nothing.
I swear it.
Get me the M.
P.
Checkpoint, on the double.
Yes, sir.
You want me to get you one under fire? Radar, what in blazes is going on? The whole camp is jumping.
- Uh, well - [Phone Rings.]
MASH 4077 th.
Colonel Blake here.
When? How? - Wow.
- What is it? A Korean national on a bicycle, his family, their furniture and a pig made a bad turn and sent one of our ambulances over an embankment.
Was anyone hurt? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, they pulled six business girls out of the ambulance.
They're okay, but the general's dead.
He's been killed.
General who? - Kelly? - Wow! General General Kelly's been killed.
You think the girls would've broken his fall.
Well, I mean, Lord, he was just here.
What was he doing in an ambulance? I didn't know he was sick.
Colonel Wortman here, General Kelly's aide.
Now, listen carefully.
This is an order.
Take the general's body, put it in a jeep and drive it up to "G" Sector.
Uh, sir, there's no fighting there, just diarrhea.
I'll provide the fighting.
Get on with it.
Get me Kimpo Air Base.
- Yes, sir.
- I want a squadron of jets.
And get me the navy for some offshore bombardment.
Major General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly is gonna perish in a full-scale, blazing, all-out glorious, star-spangled-banner death.
- Hey, guys.
- Yes, Henry? Is he talking about killing a general who's already dead? - That's right, Henry.
- Well, uh, isn't that sort of crazy? And rockets.
I want plenty of rockets.
That's for the red glare.
- Here it is, Trap.
Front page.
Stars and Stripes.
- Lay it on me.
"The Pentagon announced today the death of one of the U.
S.
Army's most colorful figures Lieutenant General Robert "Iron Guts" Kelly, a man who was loved by all.
" Only one time too many.
Seems he died in battle.
"In action to the finish, heroic to the end.
" I got a bad taste in my mouth.
I'm gonna go gargle with a martini.
There you go, hiding behind booze again, afraid to face reality.
Reality is up for grabs.
One man's reality is another man's fantasy.
Right.
You take the reality one I'll take the one with the big fantasy.