Metalocalypse (2006) s03e04 Episode Script

And this week's hall of shame award goes to Dr Rockso, the rock and roll clown, arrested again This time for robbing the home offices of Holiday Homeless shelters Rockzo was apprehended with $80 that he intended to use to purchase, you guessed it, cocaine Nice one, Rockzo Hey Toki, looks like your friend is really fuckin' up again He's not my friend I've sworn him off You always help out that dumb clown But not's no more I realize dats helpins him is what show my weakness Dats why I'm takings Alsinons meetins Alanon? Oh wait, is that like narcotics anonymous? Nopes it's likes a things where yous learns nots to helps out dumb selfish assholes clowns who ams tries to takes advantage of you Well there you go Mail time! Oh fuck we got a DVD from our fuckin' moms again Fuck I hate that they have iMovie Hey honey, we all just wanted to say we miss you None of you call any of us Yeah! What if we fuckin' died? Then how'd you feel? Yah, hows would yous felt if we's dies? Ohhhhh Oh, mama Geez skwisgaar, your mom really knows how to put on the Christmas cheer He he he Anyway, call us Bye! Oh and we'll be there for Christmas! Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Doodily ding dong ticktock Dethklok! Dethklok! Dethklock! Dethklok! I don't like that our mothers hang out without us there Huh huh I don't likes dat neither lt feels like some kind of a fuckin' threat, them like ganging up on us and shit lt's fuckin' brutal They ams trying to ruins our Christmas! What is there to ruin? Fuck Christmas I propose we does secrets santas [ grunts .]
Anyway, yeah, skwisgaar, I gotta say, you know, your mom looks uh really good for her age Ok, fucks off I'm just saying Thanks Murderface, yah Why is my mom wearings thats? What is shes a fuckin' strippers? How dare you! That's a beautiful woman and shit That stuff she's wearing is classy You're just, something's wrong with you Uh Murderface? You wanted me to remind you about your Christmas special meeting with Dick Knubbler? Wait a minute? Christmas special? What the hell is that? I told you all about it I tried to involve you You passed Another half baked Murderface project Probably won't get past the front door Run by Murderface, a failure with a bad track record You know what? You guys can't be a part of my Christmas special ha ha! You know why? Because you all lack something very very important And I'm talking about the fuckin' Christmas spirit Actually that's kind of badass Fuckin, Christmas spirit Like a fuckin' ghost who kills children Hey!! That's perfect for my special Can I use that? No! Oh come on! No lf you use it I kill you Uhh, Murderface, you uhh still have this meeting, now still Now still Now These Christmas specials can be incredibly lucrative I've been talking about this with Dethklok for years but no dice Well, hey You know, we tried And we might not have Dethklok but we got someone who's practically in Dethklok You I am in Dethklok Hey, c'mon What the fuck? I'm a fuckin' star! Yes you are! There's the attitude That's what I'm talking about Now listen and wait till you hear my ideas for this thing!!! No I'm telling you William this is gonna have to come from me You simply cannot be involved creatively lt's a no go Okay, babe? What the fuck are you talking about? Well, okay, here's a brief list of, you know, failures to start out with Oh my failures Alright, let's start out with this one Number one: Murderface's Titty Time Car Wash I stand by that idea Hot chicks wash your car Made zero money and a series of law suits I never touched those fuckin' girls! No the lawsuits weren't against the girls they were from the drivers for vehicle damage Alright number two how about the Murderface Planet Piss Cologne? What about it? Huge failure! The FDA found traces of urine in every single bottle and people broke out into painful, irreversible skindamaging rashes That's the point!!! My piss is in every bottle! What don't you get? And finally we got the William Murderface home pyrotechnics kit I still say that's fuckin' brilliant Well there you go You get the idea so here's the deal, captain I run the show I tell you what to do You show up You hit your mark and read the cue cards and do what I say orrrrr no dice What you mean we cants do secret santas! Toki, how many times do we have to go over this? We don't thinks it ams metals to be nice to each others And I fuckins do! Toki, why don't you drop it? You're driving us fuckin' crazy I aints listens to you no more! I am going shoppings! Yes! shoppins! To buy each and every ones of yous a gifts!! And I wants to sees de looks on all your fat fuckin faces whens i gives you greats presents! Ha ha! Fucks you! I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before Listen, for some reason the judge has taken pity on you I wouldn't have But they're letting you out with a slap on the wrist What do you say about that? I'm kkksorry Dr Rockzo want outta this place Dr Rockzo gonna get his shit together Dr Rockzo don't like Johnny Law looking down his nose at Dr Rockzo lt's kkkhumiliating A kkkcocaine Alright, alright, alright As your parole officer, I'll be checking in on you regularly alright? What are you doing? Oh! Oh! Nothing! Nothing! I'm listening baby, I'm just listening to you Are you snorting my coffee sweetener? Mmaybe sorry, go on stop looking at me Keep talking ls there anybody you can call to help you out? I tried to call my friend TTToki, but he wouldn't answer his ccccalls I'll try I'll try again Alright, then first and foremost you're going to have to concentrate on getting a job Anything, man I'll do anything I've got to get out of this jail Kkk the world is so different since Dr Rockso been in the lock up Oh kkklook at all of these plastic people Kkoh what is this? CCChristmas time help needed? Hmmmm Fuckin, Toki Christmas trees Dis amment brutal Well, you know what? lt's growing on me lt's like having a rotting corpse in your house but the corpse of a tree you know? lt's kinda badass And it's like dead and then to humiliate it even further by hanging ornaments all over it like fuck you You know when you say it like that it's makes sense But still, it still sucks, you know? shall I burn it my lords? No Leave it Just throw some rotting meat on it and pour some pig's blood on it whatever you know lt'll be bearable I guess Phone's ringing lt's mine That's me Ugh lt's my mom again I'll let it go to voice mail Ugh, when is she gonna get it? I fuckin' hate Christmas Oh that's me Ha, your mom calling me I don't like that she has your number Oh, that's me Pickle, your mom ams callings me now Why does she have your number? I don't know Uh, skwisgaar your mom is calling me I think our mothers are trying to get in touch with us Can you take these phones and get us new numbers? Holds dis bags at once Yes, my Lord I should likes to haves a private audience with santa Clause fors a brief moments And I would likes you to nots repeats whats you sees to anybodys or I will haves you alls killed Of course, sire Yeah, of course Okay, Murderface We're going to have a conference call, alright? Yep That means a call with different people on it okay? Yeah, yeah I know Okay Uh, and these are the, uh, Christmas special producers, alright? And you know what that means? Yeah, I know what that means We gotta wow 'em splatter their fuckin' faces with zazz No! No, no, no no Murderface, it means you say "hello" and be nice, and that's all And I do the talking, alright? Do you understand me? show that you understand me I think you have some serious control issues I'm asking if you understand me Fine! Jeez Gah, I understand shake it out Do what I'm doing with my hands shake it out Do it Do it! I'm shaking Listen Jim, Marty I mean this thing's in the bag A classic Christmas special Old school Dancers Excitement Fantastic musical bits lt's gonna be great! Oh, we love it Dick! That's cause it's in the bag baby lt's in the bag Hey our only problem is the guy uh Mumbleface ls that his name? Uhh, actually it's Murder shhhh!!!! You mean our super star? Willy? Willy Murderface Aw yeah, he's great He's wonderful Oh, I guess we mean, is there anybody else we can get? Like a real name? You know like, anybody? Well, let me, let me just say this sure Murderface may not be the biggest Dethklok member but you gotta realize how far this Dethklok thing go No, no, wait look, we get the Dethklok thing it's just Murderface Yeah, it's the Murderface thing lt's just Uhhh excuse me? Marty? Jim? This is William Murderface I'm on this call too Ha ha I can hear you I don't, I don't know if you realize that Then you understand our dilemma, you know? A lot of people just don't wanna see you host this thing And it's not you lt's a Q Ratings thing lt's low Q ratings okay? Hey, guys, can I jump in real quick here? Maybe this is a conversation for a later time We all sleep on it Think about some stuff and uh talk tomorrow, what do you think? Fine Fine Fine ln the meantime I'd like to sell you on me I have this idea it's called the Christmas spirit, and it's this fuckin' ghost that kills children And it fights Nazis lt's like the immaculate conception with a big ole hard on And it just swoops in on black wings Just sleep on that see you later, Jim Bye, Marty! Click! Ha ha ha! Nailed it You sir? Would you like to talk to santa Claus? Yes mams I would like to talk to santa Claus about my potential Christmas presents Kkkkho ho who wants to kkkToki! Oh Dr Rockso, yous ams santa Claus! lt donts makes sense Everyone's ready to go? No Toki still? No, he's poutshopping for us Right Then I'll start Just wanna keep you abreast of what's going on First off What a kick ass fourth quarter Good work guys Boring Don't say kickass Just don't We hads to meets for dis? Right, so when you're making money you don't care Yeah Boy is that right Whats did I miss? Toki, why do you smell like piss and cocaine?? Oh, dats not me Kkkmmmhanukah! A kkkkhello! Master, there appears to be a potential incident in front of Mordhaus Hi, Nathan! We're here! Oh no NATHAN: Alright guys, looks looks like our mom's are gonna be sticking around here for a little while But we all have to agree on one thing they can't have any fuckin' booze as long as they're here Because you remember what happened last time Right, Murderface? You know what I'm saying? [ groaning .]
skwisgaar, Murderface is ogling your mother like some kind of a piece of fuckin' meat Yeah, I'm noticing dis That's why I'm drunk right now Uh, Toki? Where's Dr Rockzo? He ams in my bathrooms He's needs a shower Dr Rockzo? Oh, Dr Rockzo not feeling so good Ohhh, give me some Christmas spirit in here For the records, Dr Rockso, I can't gets you drugs Thats would be enablings you But I loves you, even though you ams powerless Oh, RRRockso llloves you too baby Now you get me those fuckin' drugs or I'll fuckin' kill you!! You hear me? Ah fuck! Our fuckin' mothers want us to take them to the mall lt's the fuckin' worst time to go Fuckin, brutal Mom, why do you need us to drive? Because we want to spend time with you! Not your servants But all they're gonna do is drive! That's all They're gonna drive You can drive! Family only! Oh, grandma! I'm supposed to have a meeting for my Christmas special! lt'll have to wait William! lt'll have to wait Hey, we got an important production meeting Ow! Ow! Ow! Don't you raise your voice to me you fuckin' little piece of shit Grandma, no! stop! You just missed another spot How many times are you going to pass that spot? Where? Which one? Back there for god's sake!! I can't see with all these people in here!! Too late! You blew it! Oh grandma, he's just trying to drive Leave him alone and back off! We don't speak to our grandmothers that way Take this Owww!!! Mom! Don't slap Murderface! Owww!!! Quick! Turn! What the hell! You hit my car! Hey, I have four mothers telling me how to drive What's your excuse, asshole? Tell them you're sorry I'm sorry Are you leaving? You know something Anja? Now that you're single, maybe you should find your sexy side? Ohh, let's do a fuckin' makeover and make Anja a little sexy kitty cat! [giggling.]
[ growls .]
I do not like this I'm not here I'm someplace else I'm on a lake in a canoe some place else Wait a minute, I just fuckin' thought of something What'd you do with Rockzo while we're out? They gotta be something I can put up my nose Oh, kkdammit!!! They gotta be something Dr Rockzo can sell for some sweet cocaine I need that oh! Christmas gifts for Toki's pals A kkkbingo Willy, you got time for a quick conference call? I got these guys on hold Hellooo Hello! How we all doing? Look Jim, Marty, you said you had some good news? Uh, actually we do We found financing Yeah, uh, but Murderface, we're anticipating, uh, rejection From you You might pass on this We just want to lay out the ground rules What? Hold on Look I just wanna make a fuckin' holiday special that's totally fuckin' metal and evil with blood and tits and fire Listen, you just need to know everybody declined your offer, okay? Except for one group that found your negativity and delinquent following a positive opportunity to get their message out there and help you and those people Negativity? Marty help me out here lt's the church The Christian church wants to finance it And control everything But you're still the star and it's the, uh, Murderface Knubbler special don't get me wrong there lt's still the same thing lt's still your special Uhh, I mean, is there kind of an issue? I mean am I gonna be considered a sellout? ls that a problem? I mean, I'm good with it I'm good with it too then There! We're done! Congratulations guys! Kkk hey man How much Dr Rockso get for this slop? Hmm? Hurry up baby I got something to do Guess what? Cocaine [ sniffs .]
Youuu hooooo! You know what I do, baby! And I'm doing it snorting cocaine Hey Johnny hot dog, guess what I just did Cocaine! He didn't even answer Hey shoe shine boy? You wanna check me out there some of this here, cocaine! Hey Mr Zoo animal, check this out cocaine! Hey little boy with the bbbballoon Check this out cocaine Don't tell no body Hey Mr Police Uh oh! Now boys I'm pleased as pie that we are doing this together here Oh fuckin' man, I mean, I'm ha, ha, ha, uh, ha! I'm sorry Reverend, he's like he hasn't heard someone say fuck before? You got booze all over your breath sorry about Murderface Boy is he you're supposed to be doing this for me Well I understand we all got our personal quirks We just want to keep this thing clean and get the message of God out to your audience No violence, no nudity or profane language on the air And I got to be firm on that Oh absolutely You know Father, I've always thought that religion is such a wonderous and magnificent sort of thingy You know what I'm trying to say? Well I'm glad you feel that way, Murderface, because if you lie to me, I promise that God will come down from heaven and crush your soul and take away those that you love Eww Hey y'all think you can try one more time to get Dethklok involved in this thing? I mean we got financing We got financing! We got some money here We did it! You really sold it huh? Yup Real deal Did he really sell it, Knubbler? Yes I'm impressed actually You guys really did it, huh? Yeah, you want in? lt'll get us away from our moms? Check this out! I'm going to put our stupid, stupid mothers in the show so they feel like they're involved in our dumb lives but actually it will keep them away from us more Oh! Oh! Could we have secrets santas? [ stammering .]
Yes, yes Toki You want a secret santa? You got it! You got it! Oh, wowee! secret santas! Yeah! Yeah that's all great But you guys are gonna have to do one little thing for me Yeah? What's that? Tell me you're sorry Apologize for doubting me That's good enough I saw the look on your faces Apology accepted Now let's get to work! Alright guys The day has finally come! We've put so much work in this so uh let's get ready to uh, do a great show! Ok first off, we got to keep the booze away from your mothers They get all weird and fuckin' horny Don't want that, k? secondly, we gotta kick this fuckin' clown off the set alright? Yeah fuck that guy I don't want that guy here fuckin' the shit up, okay? Thirdly, Toki you gotta get those gifts because we are doing the secret santa thing Oh, cools! And wish us luck Me and Murderface go out soon, okay! Live from Mordhaus! lt's the William Murderface Dick Knubbler Christmas special with special guest Dethklok! Welcome to the show Were gonna have some fun lt's a winter magic time Being nice to each other! We're giving some gifts! We're standing some snow! lt's gonna be a holiday time Wow, they look like a couple of fags This may have been a bad idea Right Where's the blood and tits that Murderface was talking about? something weird's going on here guys I bring some wonderful frankensense Great That's what I got him! How do you like that We both got him the same thing Oh, Lord Hey, that's blasphemy! [ laughter .]
No, I mean oh Lord Right there!!! A miracle has been bestowed upon us this day [ awwwwwws .]
[ fart .]
I think he might've bestowed something into his diapers [ laughter .]
The king has truly blessed us [ awwwwwww .]
[ fart .]
Maybe he can stop blessing us something's starting to smell bad Hello! [ sniffing .]
There's booze in here somewhere [ sniffs .]
They locked the booze in here! somebody get me a crowbar! Let's get drunks! Let's get drunks! Let's get drunk! sire, I was told that the "secret santa" sketch is next so you must gather your gifts Yeah, yeah, yeah thanks you Now be gones My gifts! My gifts! They's ams gone! Balloons? Who would leaves a ballons ons de grounds and steals alls my gifts?! Rockzo! Lemme in there, baby Dr Rockzo wanna see the Christmas special! You are not allowed in here clown! Well, check this out [ taunting .]
Cocaine! We'll be right back to the Murderface Knubbler Christmas special starring Dethklok right after these important words from our sponsor I wasn't picked for the team That's alright, son God loves you Brought to you by the church of Christian Churchology Wait a minute? This thing's sponsored Church of Christian Churchology? The fuckin' church? This thing's sponsored by the this thing's sponsored by the fuckin' church? Murderface!!!!!!! Looks like another wonderful but lonely Christmas eve with just you and me right, old pal Yup Looks just like the two of us again [ door bell rings .]
You know what that sound means? Oh the Christmas goose is finished being microwaved? [ laughter .]
No lt means we have some guests Well hello! lt's Dethklok's mothers! And they've been drinking Yeah, take your time staggering in This isn't live TV or anything Who'd have though Dethklok would have mothers?? Ha Ha [ doorbell rings .]
I'll get it! Wouldn't it be great if its more friendly guests?? Why didn't you tell me this thing was sponsored by religion? lt's not fuckin' cool, dude [ laughs .]
Hey, watch the fbomb This is, uh, this is written This is written [ doorbell rings .]
Kkkrockzo made his way onto the lot of the Christmas party, baby Oh you, Rockzo! You fuckin' piece of shit! You stole the Christmas presents! I'll fuckin' kills you Rockzo! Outta my way! Here comes Ow! Oh, my leg!! Ow! Toki's leg! [ screaming in agony .]
Look we need a doctor over here! My head! Get a fuckin' doctor over here! Murderface, I think your grandma's, like, hurt or something You should help her Can't you just let me enjoy this moment? Hey check it out skwisgaar! I'm getting a hand jjjob from your mmmama! Moms, no!! Oh man she's got that swedish grip Oh, it's like you playin, that guitar Ohhh fiddley widdley waddley hooo! What the fuck! That's my girl! Oh is someone having a bad Christmas? You get your hands off her or I'll I'll kill you! You ruined my Christmas special! so uh, thanks folks for tuning in and uh, thanks for watching the Knubbler Murderface Christmas special Roll those credits folks Here I kkkoh! This is a gooooood