Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) s03e04 Episode Script
Blood, Devastation, Death, War and Horror
1 (bright, cheerful music playing) HELLO, GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF BLOOD, DEVASTATION, DEATH, WAR AND HORROR AND LATER ON WE'LL BE TALKING TO A MAN WHO DOES GARDENING BUT OUR FIRST GUES IN THE STUDIO TONIGH IS A MAN WHO TALKS ENTIRELY IN ANAGRAMS.
TAHT SI CRREOCT.
DO YOU EN JOY THIS? I STOM CERTAINLY OD REVY CHUM SO.
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME? HAMRAG, HAMRAG YATLEROT.
WELL, GRAHAM, NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
NOW, WHERE DO YOU COME FROM? BUMCRELAND.
CUMBERLAND? STAHT SIT SEPREICLY.
AND I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING ON AN ANAGRAM VERSION OF SHAKESPEARE.
SEY, SEY, TAHT SI CRREOCT.
UH TA THE MNEMOT, I'M WROKING ON "THE MATING OF THE WERSH.
" "THE MATING OF THE WERSH," BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE? NAY, BY MALLIWI RAPESHEAKE.
AND, UH WHAT ELSE? "TWO NETLEMEG OF VERONA" "TWELFTH THING," "THE CHAMRENT OF VENICE.
" HAVE YOU DONE "HAMLET"? "THAMLE.
" "BE OT OR BOT NE OT, TATH IS THE NESTQUIE.
" (audience laughter) AND WHAT IS YOUR NEXT PROJECT? "RING KICHARD THE THRID.
" I'M SORRY? "A SHROE! A SHROE! MY DINGKOME FOR A SHROE!" AH, "RING KICHARD," YES.
BUT SURELY THAT'S NOT AN ANAGRAM THAT'S A SPOONERISM.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SPLIT HAIRS I'M GOING TO PISS OFF.
(loud laughter) (playing chords) NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) TONY M.
NYPHOT'S FLYING RISCCU.
MRS.
SCAB, YOU HAVE 12 HOURS TO BEAT THE CLOCK.
(clock ticking) CORRECT! I'VE DONE IT! I'VE DONE IT.
HA, HA, HA! HELLO? AH, MR.
VICTIM.
YES, I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT I'VE GOT THE GO-AHEAD TO LEND YOU THE MONEY YOU REQUIRE.
YES, WE WILL OF COURSE WANT AS SECURITY THE DEEDS OF YOUR HOUSE OF YOUR AUNT'S HOUSE, OF YOUR SECOND COUSIN'S HOUSE OF YOUR WIFE'S PARENTS' HOUSE AND OF YOUR GRANNIE'S BUNGALOW AND WE WILL IN ADDITION NEED A CONTROLLING INTERES IN YOUR NEW COMPANY UNRESTRICTED ACCESS TO YOUR PRIVATE BANK ACCOUN THE DEPOSIT IN OUR VAULTS OF YOUR THREE CHILDREN AS HOSTAGES AND A FULL LEGAL INDEMNITY AGAINST ANY ACTS OF EMBEZZLEMEN CARRIED OUT AGAINST YOU BY ANY MEMBERS OF OUR STAFF DURING THE NORMAL COURSE OF THEIR DUTIES.
NO, I'M AFRAID WE COULDN' ACCEPT YOUR DOG INSTEAD OF YOUR YOUNGEST CHILD.
WE WOULD LIKE TO SUGGES A BRAND-NEW SCHEME OF OURS UNDER WHICH 51% OF BOTH YOUR DOG AND YOUR WIFE PASS TO US IN THE EVENT OF YOUR SUFFERING A SERIOUS ACCIDENT.
FINE NO, NOT AT ALL.
NICE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU.
UH MISS GODFREY, COULD YOU SEND IN MR.
FORD, PLEASE? NOW, WHERE'S THAT DICTIONARY? AH, YES, HERE WE ARE INNER LIFE.
(clears throat) INNER LIFE.
(knock at door) COME IN.
AH MR.
FORD, ISN'T IT? THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU DO? I'M A MERCHANT BANKER.
HOW DO YOU DO, MR.
, UH I FORGET MY NAME FOR THE MOMEN BUT I AM A MERCHANT BANKER.
OH, I WONDERED WHETHER YOU'D LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE ORPHAN'S HOME.
(change clinking) WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SHOW MY HAND TOO EARLY, BUT ACTUALLY HERE AT SLATER NAZI WE ARE QUITE KEEN TO GET INTO ORPHANS YOU KNOW, DEVELOPING MARKE AND ALL THAT.
WHAT SORT OF SUM DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? WELL UH YOU'RE A RICH MAN.
YES, I AM, YES, YES VERY, VERY RICH.
(laughter) QUITE PHENOMENALLY WEALTHY.
YES, I DO I DO OWN THE MOS STARTLING QUANTITIES OF CASH.
YES, QUITE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RATHER A SMAR YOUNG LAD, AREN'T YOU? WE COULD DO WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO FEED THE PANTOMIME HORSE.
VERY SMART.
THANK YOU, SIR.
NOW, YOU WERE SAYING I'M VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY VERY, VERY, VERY RICH.
SO HOW ABOUT A POUND? A POUND YES, I SEE.
NOW, THIS LOAN WOULD BE SECURED BY IT'S NOT IT'S NOT A LOAN, SIR.
WHAT? IT'S NOT A LOAN.
AH YOU GET ONE OF THESE, SIR.
A BIT SMALL FOR A SHARE CERTIFICATE, ISN'T IT? LOOK, I THINK I'D BETTER RUN THIS OVER TO OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT.
IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY POP BACK ON FRIDAY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT? COULDN'T YOU JUS GIVE ME THE POUND? YES, BUT YOU SEE, I DON' KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR.
IT'S FOR THE ORPHANS.
YES? IT'S A GIFT.
A WHAT? A GIFT.
(jingling coins) OH, A GIFT! A TAX DODGE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO? WELL, I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
CAN YOU JUST EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT? WELL, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A POUND AND THEN I GO AWAY AND GIVE I TO THE ORPHANS.
YES? (laughter) WELL, THAT'S IT.
NO, NO, NO, I DON' FOLLOW THIS AT ALL.
I MEAN, I DON' WANT TO SEEM STUPID BUT IT LOOKS TO ME AS THOUGH I'M A POUND DOWN ON THE WHOLE DEAL.
YES, YOU ARE.
I AM.
WELL, WHAT IS MY INCENTIVE TO GIVE YOU THE POUND? WELL, THE INCENTIVE IS TO MAKE THE ORPHANS HAPPY.
HAPPY? (laughter) YOU QUITE SURE YOU'VE GOT THIS RIGHT? YES, LOTS OF PEOPLE GIVE ME MONEY.
WHAT, JUST LIKE THAT? YES.
MUST BE SICK.
(laughter) I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD GIVE ME A LIST OF THEIR NAMES AND ADDRESSES, COULD YOU? (laughter) NO, I JUST GO UP TO THEM IN THE STREET AND ASK.
GOOD LORD! THAT'S THE MOS EXCITING NEW IDEA I'VE HEARD IN YEARS! IT'S SO SIMPLE IT'S BRILLIANT.
WELL, IF THA IDEA OF YOURS ISN'T WORTH A POUND I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IS.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS YOU GAVE ME THE IDEA BEFORE I'D GIVEN YOU THE POUND.
AND THAT'S NO GOOD BUSINESS.
ISN'T IT? NO, I'M AFRAID IT ISN'T.
SO OFF YOU GO.
(yells) NICE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU.
ANYWAY.
AND OFF WE GO AGAIN.
UH MISS GODFREY, COULD YOU SEND IN THE PANTOMIME HORSES, PLEASE? (upbeat, lively band music playing) (music stops) NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU (band music starts again) (music stops) NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU (music starts) SHUT UP! (music stops) NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU IN HERE TO SEE ME THIS MORNING BECAUSE I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT THE PRESEN RATIONALIZATION OF THIS FIRM MAKES IT INEVITABLE THAT WE HIVE ONE OF YOU OFF.
(laughter) NOW, YOU MAY THINK THA THIS IS VERY HARSH BEHAVIOR BUT LET ME TELL YOU THAT OUR MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS ACTUALLY QUERIED THE NECESSITY FOR US TO EMPLOY A PANTOMIME HORSE AT ALL.
AND SO THE DECISION HAS TO BE MADE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS TO GO.
CHAMPION HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU BEEN WITH THIS FIRM? (taps three times) TRIGGER? (taps three times) I SEE WELL, IT'S A DIFFICULT DECISION BUT IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR TRADITIONAL PRINCIPLES OF FREE ENTERPRISE AND HEALTHY COMPETITION I'M GOING TO ASK THE TWO OF YOU TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR IT.
NO, I'M AFRAID THERE'S NO REDUNDANCY SCHEME.
Narrator with foreign accent: IN THE HARD AND UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE THE CEASELESS STRUGGLE FOR SURVIVAL CONTINUES.
THIS TIME ONE OF THE PANTOMIME HORSES CONCEDES DEFEA AND SO LIVES TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY.
HERE IN A COLONY OF SEA LIONS, WE SEE A HUGE BULL SEA LION SEEING OFF AN INTRUDING BULL WHO IS ATTEMPTING TO INTRUDE ON HIS HAREM.
THIS PATTERN OF AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR IS TYPICAL OF THESE DOCUMENTARIES.
HERE WE SEE TWO LIMPETS LOCKED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE FOR TERRITORY.
THE HUGE BULL LIMPET, ENRAGED BY THE ROCK ENDEAVORS TO ENCIRCLE ITS SPRIGHTLY OPPONENT.
HERE WE SEE AN ANT.
THIS ANT IS ENGAGED IN A LIFE- OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH THE WOLF.
YOU CAN SEE THE ANT CREEPING UP ON THE WOLF ON ALL SIXES.
NOW HE STOPS TO OBSERVE.
SATISFIED THAT THE WOLF HAS NO HEARD HIM, HE APPROACHES NEARER.
WITH GREAT SKILL, HE CHOOSES HIS MOMEN AND THEN, QUICK AS A LIMPE WITH ONE MIGHTY BOUND, BURIES HIS FANGS IN THE WOLF'S NECK.
THE WOLF STRUGGLES TO NO AVAIL.
A BATTLE OF THIS KIND CAN TAKE ANYTHING UP TO 15 YEARS BECAUSE THE TIMBER AN HAS SUCH A TINY MOUTH.
HERE WE SEE HEINZ SIELMANN ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH PETER SCOTT.
THEY ARE ENGAGED IN A BITTER PUNCH-UP OVER REPEAT FEES ON THE OVERSEAS SALES OF THEIR NATURE DOCUMENTARIES.
NOW THEY HAVE BEEN JOINED BY AN ENRAGED JACQUES COUSTEAU.
THIS IS TYPICAL OF THE HARSH AND BITCHY WORLD OF TELEVISION FEATURES.
HERE WE SEE A HONEYBEAR NOT ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE ABOUT ANYTHING.
THESE HONEYBEARS ARE PLACID AND PEACEFUL CREATURES AND CONSEQUENTLY BAD TELEVISION.
HERE WE SEE A PANTOMIME HORSE.
IT IS ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE FOR A JOB WITH A MERCHANT BANK.
HOWEVER, HIS RIVAL EMPLOYEE, THE HUGE BULL PANTOMIME HORSE IS LYING IN WAIT FOR HIM.
POOR PANTOMIME HORSE.
HERE WE SEE A PANTOMIME GOOSE ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH TERENCE RATTIGAN.
THE ENRAGED GOOSE FIRES.
POOR TERENCE ANOTHER VICTIM OF THIS SILLY FILM.
HERE WE SEE AN ENRAGED PANTOMIME PRINCESS MARGARET.
SHE IS LYING IN WAI FOR HER BREAKFAST.
THE UNSUSPECTING BREAKFAS GLIDES EVER CLOSER TO ITS DOOM.
THE ENRAGED PANTOMIME ROYAL PERSON IS POISED FOR THE KILL.
SHE RAISES HER HARPOON AND FIRES.
PANG! RIGHT IN THE TOAST.
A BRIEF STRUGGLE, AND ALL IS OVER.
POOR BREAKFAST.
ANOTHER VICTIM OF (screams) (running footsteps) (running footsteps) OH, A PANTOMIME PHRASE CAUGHT HIMSELF A NICE LITTLE DINNER, FRED.
(ferocious roaring) I THINK THE DINING ROOM WANTS HIS DIN-DINS, TOO.
YOUR TURN TODAY, DEAR.
(terrible screaming) (room burps) (ferocious roaring) ALL RIGHT, MR.
BEDROOM.
YOU'LL GET YOUR DINNER, TOO.
(Fred screaming) (screaming stops) (doorbell rings) POSTMAN.
(postman screaming, house roars) (woman humming "Greensleeves") (house growls) (man yelling) (man screaming, house roaring) Woman: OH WELL, THE 69's LATE AGAIN TODAY.
(roaring) (people screaming) (growling quietly) (toilet flushes) (laughter) (leaves rustling) DO YOU HEAR THAT, TIM? YEP COULD JUST BE THE HOUSE WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY OF TWO DESPERATE MEN HIRED BY THE GOOD PEOPLE AT N.
C.
P.
CAR PARKS TO HUNT DOWN AND DESTROY HOUSES TOO DANGEROUS TO LIVE.
WELL, WHA DO YOU THINK? OH, THESE ARE HOUSE DROPPINGS, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) OKAY, LET'S GO.
(house snoring) PST, OVER HERE.
THAT'S THE ONE.
COVER ME.
I'M GOING TO MAKE A TRY FOR IT.
(house snoring) (hunters cheering) (cash register dings) (brakes screeching, horns blaring, crashing) AND SO, THANKS ONCE AGAIN TO THE UNCEASING EFFORTS OF THE GOOD PEOPLE AT N.
C.
P.
CAR PARKS THE WORLD IS MADE JUST A LITTLE BIT SAFER.
(blowing a raspberry) (audience laughter) Man: "SKETCH JUS STARTING, ACTOR WANTED.
" G-GOOD MORNING.
MORNING, SIR.
I'D LIKE TO JOIN THE ARMY, PLEASE.
I SEE.
SHORT SERVICE OR LONG SERVICE COMMISSION, SIR? UH, LONG AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE.
RIGHT, WELL, I'LL JUS TAKE A FEW PARTICULARS AND THEN SHOVE OFF! (laughter) AND THEN THERE'LL BE A FEW FORMS TO SIGN.
OF COURSE WE'LL NEED SOME REFERENCES AND THEN A FULL MEDICAL EXAMINATION BY THE YES, I SEE.
I-I WAS JUST WONDERING WHETHER IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO JOIN THE WOMEN'S ARMY.
(laughter) THE WOMEN'S ROYAL ARMY CORPS, SIR? UH, YES, I WAS JUS THINKING, YOU KNOW IF IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE MY CHOICE I'D PREFER TO BE IN THE WOMEN'S ROYAL ARMY CORPS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID THA THE PEOPLE THAT RECRUIT HERE NORMALLY GO STRAIGH INTO THE SCOTS GUARDS.
WHICH IS ALL MEN, I SUPPOSE.
YES, IT IS.
YES.
ARE THERE ANY REGIMENTS WHICH ARE MORE EFFEMINATE THAN OTHERS? WELL, NO, SIR.
I MEAN, APART FROM THE MARINES, THEY'RE ALL DEAD BUTCH.
SEE, WHA I REALLY WANTED WAS A REGIMENT WHERE I COULD BE REALLY QUIE AND HAVE MORE TIME TO MYSELF TO WORK WITH FABRICS AND CREATING NEW CONCEPTS IN INTERIOR DESIGN.
WORKING WITH FABRICS AND EXPERIMENTING WITH INTERIOR DESIGN? YES.
OH, WELL, YOU WANT THE DURHAM LIGHT INFANTRY, THEN, SIR.
OH.
THAT'S THE ONLY REGIMENT THAT'S REALLY DOING SOMETHING NEW WITH INTERIOR DESIGN WITH COLOR, TEXTURE AND LINE AND THAT.
I SEE.
OH, YES I MEAN THEIR USE OF COLOR WITH FABRICS IS FANTASTIC.
I SAW THEIR PATTERN BOOK THE OTHER DAY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
SAVAGE TANS GREAT SLABS OF BLACK, SET AGAINST AGGRESSIVE ORANGE.
IT REALLY MAKES YOU WANT TO SHOUT OU "THIS IS GOOD! THIS IS REAL!" REALLY? OH, YES I MEAN THE INNISKILLIN FUSILIERS AND THE ANGLIAN REGIMEN ARE ALL RIGH IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE ART NOUVEAU WILLIAM MORRIS REVIVAL BI BUT IF YOU REALLY WAN A REGIMENTAL LINE THAT IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT INTERIOR DECOR THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO FOR THE DURHAM LIGHT INFANTRY.
OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M HANDING IN MY NOTICE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, I MEAN, WHEN I APPLIED FOR THIS JOB I THOUGHT I'D GE A FEW DECENT LINES BUT YOU END UP DOING THE WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, MY LAST FIVE SPEECHES HAVE BEEN "REALLY," "REALLY," "I SEE," "I SEE" AND "REALLY.
" I WOULDN'T GIVE THOSE LINES TO A DOG.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SONNY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
WE'LL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
I'LL BE A BUS CONDUCTOR, AND YOU CAN BE A REALLY FUNNY PASSENGER ON A BUS.
ANY MORE FARES, PLEASE? I'VE GOT A CHAUFFEUR AND EVERY TIME I GO TO THE LAVATORY HE DRIVES ME POTTY! BOOM-BOOM! ONE IN A ROW.
I'M NOT UNUSUAL, I'M JUST FIVE PENNY, PLEASE.
FIVE BEAUTIFUL PENNIES GOING INTO THE BAG AND YOU ARE THE LUCKY WINNER OF ONE FIVE PENNY TICKET.
WHAT'S THE WELSHMAN DOING UNDER THE BED? HE'S HAVING A LEAK! OH, THEY'RE ALL IN HERE TONIGHT.
LOOK! I AM LOOKING.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP MY EYELIDS APART.
BOOM-BOOM! EVERY ONE A MASERATI.
LOOK, YOU SAID I WAS GOING TO BE A FUNNY PASSENGER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I MEAN, ALL I SAID WAS, "FIVE PENNY, PLEASE.
" YOU CAN'T CALL THAT A FUNNY LINE.
WELL, IT'S THE WAY YOU SAID IT.
NO, IT ISN'T.
NOBODY CAN SAY "FIVE PENNY, PLEASE" AND MAKE IT FUNNY.
FIVE PENNY, PLEASE.
MORNING.
(both laughing hysterically) NOT SO WARM TODAY, EH, GEORGE? (laughing) Man: GOOD MORNING.
Man: GOOD MORNING.
Woman: GOOD MORNING.
Man in bowler: GOOD MORNING.
(everyone laughing) (knock at door) COME IN, MR.
HORTON.
MORNING, SIR.
(stifling a laugh) (clears his throat) DO, UH DO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU, SIR.
(snickering) NOW, THEN, HORTON.
YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FOR 20 YEARS AND YOUR WORK IN THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMEN HAS BEEN IMMACULATE.
NO, NO PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
AS I SAY, YOUR WORK HAS BEEN BEYOND REPROACH.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE EFFECT YOU ARE HAVING ON YOUR COLLEAGUES HAS UNDERMINED THE COMPETENCE HAS UNDERMINED THE COMPETENCE OF THIS FIRM TO SUCH A POIN THAT I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT NO OPTION (sniffs) BUT TO SACK YOU.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SIR.
IT COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A WORSE TIME.
(guffawing) THERE'S SCHOOL FEES FOR THE TWO BOYS COMING UP AND THE WIFE'S TREATMEN COSTING MORE NOW, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE MONEY'S COMING FROM AS IT IS.
AND NOW I DON' SEE ANY FUTURE.
I'D BEEN HOPING I MIGH BE ABLE TO HANG ON HERE JUST FOR THE LAS COUPLE OF YEARS BUT NOW I I JUST WAN TO GO OUT AND END IT ALL.
(laughing hysterically) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND NOW FOR THE FISH THE FISH DOWN THE TROUSERS.
(woman shrieks with laughter) IT'S YOUR LAUGH, MATE, IT'S NOT MINE.
IT'S YOUR TROUSERS, NOT MY TROUSERS YOUR TROUSERS.
AND NOW FOR THE WHITEWASH.
THE WHITEWASH OVER YOU (laughter) NOT OVER ME, IT'S OVER YOU.
YOU GET THE LAUGHS.
YOU GET ALL THE LAUGHS.
AND NOW FOR THE CUSTARD PIE IN THE MUSH.
(laughter) IT'S NOT MY MUSH, IT'S YOUR MUSH.
IT'S YOUR LAUGH IT'S YOUR LAUGH, MATE, IT'S NOT MINE.
IT'S YOUR BLEEDING LAUGH.
(laughter) (applause) (carnival waltz music playing) GOOD EVENING.
WELL, TONIGH WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT WELL, THAT IS, I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M TALKING ABOUT IT NOW.
WELL, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT NOW, BUT I AM TALKING.
I KNOW I'M PAUSING OCCASIONALLY AND NOT TALKING DURING THE PAUSES BUT THE PAUSES ARE PAR OF THE WHOLE PROCESS OF TALKING.
WHEN ONE TALKS, ONE HAS TO PAUSE.
UH LIKE THEN.
I PAUSED, BUT I WAS STILL TALKING.
AND AGAIN THERE! THE REAL POIN OF WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT WHEN I APPEAR NOT TO BE TALKING DON'T GO NIPPING OUT TO THE KITCHEN, PUTTING THE KETTLE ON BUTTERING SCONES OR GETTING CRUMBS AND BITS OF FOOD OUT OF THOSE ROUND, BROWN STRAW MATS THAT THE TEAPOT GOES ON, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE IN ALL PROBABILITY, I'M STILL TALKING AND WHAT YOU HEARD WAS A PAUSE.
LIKE THERE AGAIN.
LOOK, TO MAKE I ABSOLUTELY EASIER SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL GIVE YOU SOME KIND OF SIGN, LIKE THIS WHEN I'M STILL TALKING AND ONLY PAUSING IN BETWEEN WORDS.
AND WHEN I'M FINISHED ALTOGETHER I'LL DO THIS, ALL RIGHT? NO, NO, SORRY! NO, NO.
SORRY, JUST DEMONSTRATING.
HAVEN'T FINISHED.
HAVEN'T STARTED YET.
OH, DEAR.
NEARLY FORGOT THE GESTURE.
HOPE NONE OF YOU ARE NIPPING OUT INTO THE KITCHEN GETTING BITS OF FOOD OU OF THOSE ROUND, BROWN MATS WHICH THE GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT Announcer: WE INTERRUP THIS PROGRAM TO ANNOY YOU AND MAKE THINGS GENERALLY IRRITATING FOR YOU.
WITH A LARGE PIECE OF WET PAPER.
TURN THE PAPER OVER TURN THE PAPER OVER, KEEPING YOUR EYE ON THE CAMEL AND PASTE DOWN THE EDGE OF THE SAILOR'S UNIFORM UNTIL THE WORD "MAUDLING" IS ALMOST TOTALLY OBSCURED.
(laughter) WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY OF DOING IT.
GOOD EVENING.
WE INTERRUP THIS PROGRAM AGAIN "A," TO IRRITATE YOU AND "B," TO PROVIDE WORK FOR ONE OF OUR ANNOUNCERS.
Announcer 2: GOOD EVENING.
I'M THE ANNOUNCER WHO'S JUS BEEN GIVEN THIS JOB BY THE BBC AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO THE BBC FOR PROVIDING ME WITH WORK PARTICULARLY A THIS TIME OF YEAR WHEN THINGS ARE A BIT THIN FOR US ANNOUNCERS.
UM I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD TELL YOU THIS, BUT WELL, I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A RATHER TOUGH TIME RECENTLY.
(laughter) THINGS HAVE BEEN PRETTY AWFUL AT HOME.
MY WIFE, JOSEPHINE "JOE-JUMS" AS I CALL HER WHO'S ALSO AN ANNOUNCER Woman: HELLO.
Announcer 2: UH, HAS NO BEEN ABLE TO ANNOUNCE SINCE OUR YOUNGEST, CLIFFORD, WAS BORN, AND (sighs) WELL, I'VE JUST GO NO CONFIDENCE LEFT.
I MEAN I CAN'T GET UP IN THE MORNING.
I FEEL THERE'S NOTHING WORTH LIVING FOR.
Announcer 3: HELLO, I'M ANOTHER ANNOUNCER.
MY NAME IS DICK.
JOE-JUMS JUST RANG ME AND SAID JACK WAS HAVING A BAD TIME WITH THIS ANNOUNCEMEN SO I'VE JUST COME TO GIVE HIM A HAND.
HOW IS HE, JOE-JUMS? Joe-Jums: PRETTY BAD, DICK.
Dick: JACK, IT'S DICK.
DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT? Jack: NO.
(trembling): NO, DICK, I MUST DO IT MYSELF.
(audience laughter) IT'S MY LAST CHANCE WITH THE BBC.
I CAN'T THROW IT AWAY.
I'VE GOT TO DO I FOR JOE-JUMS, FOR THE KIDS I'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
Dick: GOOD MAN.
NOW, REMEMBER YOUR ANNOUNCER'S TRAINING DEEP BREATHS, AND TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
(laughter) (Jack inhales deeply) Jack (calmly): GOOD EVENING.
THIS IS BBC 1.
Joe-Jums (softly): GOOD LUCK, JACK.
Dick: KEEP GOING, OLD BOY.
Jack: IT'S 9:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS READ BY RICHARD BAKER.
Joe-Jums: YOU'VE DONE IT! Dick: CONGRATULATIONS, OLD MAN! Jack: WAS IT OKAY? Dick: ABSOLUTELY TOP-O! Joe-Jums: ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS.
YOU KNOW YOU WERE! FANTASTIC, DARLING! YOU WERE BRILLIANT, REALLY.
(Baker inaudible) Party hostess: IT'S SO MARVELOUS TO HAVE YOU HERE.
(cocktail glasses clinking) Dick: FOR GOD'S SAKE, DRINK THIS (audience laughter) Man: YOU WERE ROCK SOLID.
Jack: THANKS VERY MUCH.
(muddle of conversation, glasses clinking) (laughter) (more laughter) (Baker still inaudible) (muddled cocktail chatter continues) Jack: I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT MEANS.
Dick: I THINK IT'S A TURNING POINT (jumble of conversations) Man: HELLO, REGGIE.
WHAT? Man 2: IS THAT GORDON? Man 1: YES HANG ON, REGGIE.
(celebratory chatter and laughter fade out) UNTIL THE NAME MAUDLING IS ALMOST TOTALLY OBSCURED.
THAT IS THE NED OF THE NICLOE-NOCK WENS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE LATE-NIGHT FILM.
(James Bond-type theme playing) (theme ends) (audience laughter) OH! OH, PANTOMIME HORSE, THAT WAS WONDERFUL! WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER GLASS? OH, NO, NO, I MUSTN'T.
IT MAKES ME THROW UP.
(sighs) OH, I'M SO BLEEDING HAPPY.
(laughter) OH, SIMONE.
OH, PANTOMIME HORSE.
THEN (fires revolver) (laughter) (suspenseful chase music playing) (laughter) Announcer: AND NOW THE HAS VERY NEARLY CAUGHT UP WITH THE RUSSIAN PANTOMIME HORSE.
I THINK HE'S GOING TO TAKE HIM ANY MOMENT NOW.
BUT WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? YES, IT'S THE PANTOMIME PRINCESS MARGARE AND THE PANTOMIME GOOSE AND THEY'RE ATTACKING AND THE RUSSIAN PANTOMIME HORSE HAS GOT AWAY BUT WHO IS THIS? MY GOODNESS ME! IT'S THE DUKE OF KEN TO THE RESCUE.
(laughter) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) Narrator with German accent: HERE YOU SEE ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH A RATHER WEAK ENDING.
THIS IS TYPICAL OF THE ZANY, MADCAP WORLD OF THE IRRESISTIBLE, KOOKY FUNSTERS.
AND SO IS ASSURED OF A PLACE IN BRITISH HISTORY AND A STEADY JOB IN A MERCHANT BANK.
(blows a raspberry) UNFORTUNATELY, BEFORE HIS PENSION RIGHTS ARE ASSURED HE CATCHES BRONCHITIS AND DIES ANOTHER VICTIM OF THE NEED TO FINISH THESE SHOWS ON TIME.
TAHT SI CRREOCT.
DO YOU EN JOY THIS? I STOM CERTAINLY OD REVY CHUM SO.
AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME? HAMRAG, HAMRAG YATLEROT.
WELL, GRAHAM, NICE TO HAVE YOU ON THE SHOW.
NOW, WHERE DO YOU COME FROM? BUMCRELAND.
CUMBERLAND? STAHT SIT SEPREICLY.
AND I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING ON AN ANAGRAM VERSION OF SHAKESPEARE.
SEY, SEY, TAHT SI CRREOCT.
UH TA THE MNEMOT, I'M WROKING ON "THE MATING OF THE WERSH.
" "THE MATING OF THE WERSH," BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE? NAY, BY MALLIWI RAPESHEAKE.
AND, UH WHAT ELSE? "TWO NETLEMEG OF VERONA" "TWELFTH THING," "THE CHAMRENT OF VENICE.
" HAVE YOU DONE "HAMLET"? "THAMLE.
" "BE OT OR BOT NE OT, TATH IS THE NESTQUIE.
" (audience laughter) AND WHAT IS YOUR NEXT PROJECT? "RING KICHARD THE THRID.
" I'M SORRY? "A SHROE! A SHROE! MY DINGKOME FOR A SHROE!" AH, "RING KICHARD," YES.
BUT SURELY THAT'S NOT AN ANAGRAM THAT'S A SPOONERISM.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO SPLIT HAIRS I'M GOING TO PISS OFF.
(loud laughter) (playing chords) NOW IT'S (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) TONY M.
NYPHOT'S FLYING RISCCU.
MRS.
SCAB, YOU HAVE 12 HOURS TO BEAT THE CLOCK.
(clock ticking) CORRECT! I'VE DONE IT! I'VE DONE IT.
HA, HA, HA! HELLO? AH, MR.
VICTIM.
YES, I'M GLAD TO SAY THAT I'VE GOT THE GO-AHEAD TO LEND YOU THE MONEY YOU REQUIRE.
YES, WE WILL OF COURSE WANT AS SECURITY THE DEEDS OF YOUR HOUSE OF YOUR AUNT'S HOUSE, OF YOUR SECOND COUSIN'S HOUSE OF YOUR WIFE'S PARENTS' HOUSE AND OF YOUR GRANNIE'S BUNGALOW AND WE WILL IN ADDITION NEED A CONTROLLING INTERES IN YOUR NEW COMPANY UNRESTRICTED ACCESS TO YOUR PRIVATE BANK ACCOUN THE DEPOSIT IN OUR VAULTS OF YOUR THREE CHILDREN AS HOSTAGES AND A FULL LEGAL INDEMNITY AGAINST ANY ACTS OF EMBEZZLEMEN CARRIED OUT AGAINST YOU BY ANY MEMBERS OF OUR STAFF DURING THE NORMAL COURSE OF THEIR DUTIES.
NO, I'M AFRAID WE COULDN' ACCEPT YOUR DOG INSTEAD OF YOUR YOUNGEST CHILD.
WE WOULD LIKE TO SUGGES A BRAND-NEW SCHEME OF OURS UNDER WHICH 51% OF BOTH YOUR DOG AND YOUR WIFE PASS TO US IN THE EVENT OF YOUR SUFFERING A SERIOUS ACCIDENT.
FINE NO, NOT AT ALL.
NICE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU.
UH MISS GODFREY, COULD YOU SEND IN MR.
FORD, PLEASE? NOW, WHERE'S THAT DICTIONARY? AH, YES, HERE WE ARE INNER LIFE.
(clears throat) INNER LIFE.
(knock at door) COME IN.
AH MR.
FORD, ISN'T IT? THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU DO? I'M A MERCHANT BANKER.
HOW DO YOU DO, MR.
, UH I FORGET MY NAME FOR THE MOMEN BUT I AM A MERCHANT BANKER.
OH, I WONDERED WHETHER YOU'D LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE ORPHAN'S HOME.
(change clinking) WELL, I DON'T WANT TO SHOW MY HAND TOO EARLY, BUT ACTUALLY HERE AT SLATER NAZI WE ARE QUITE KEEN TO GET INTO ORPHANS YOU KNOW, DEVELOPING MARKE AND ALL THAT.
WHAT SORT OF SUM DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? WELL UH YOU'RE A RICH MAN.
YES, I AM, YES, YES VERY, VERY RICH.
(laughter) QUITE PHENOMENALLY WEALTHY.
YES, I DO I DO OWN THE MOS STARTLING QUANTITIES OF CASH.
YES, QUITE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RATHER A SMAR YOUNG LAD, AREN'T YOU? WE COULD DO WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO FEED THE PANTOMIME HORSE.
VERY SMART.
THANK YOU, SIR.
NOW, YOU WERE SAYING I'M VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY VERY, VERY, VERY RICH.
SO HOW ABOUT A POUND? A POUND YES, I SEE.
NOW, THIS LOAN WOULD BE SECURED BY IT'S NOT IT'S NOT A LOAN, SIR.
WHAT? IT'S NOT A LOAN.
AH YOU GET ONE OF THESE, SIR.
A BIT SMALL FOR A SHARE CERTIFICATE, ISN'T IT? LOOK, I THINK I'D BETTER RUN THIS OVER TO OUR LEGAL DEPARTMENT.
IF YOU COULD POSSIBLY POP BACK ON FRIDAY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT? COULDN'T YOU JUS GIVE ME THE POUND? YES, BUT YOU SEE, I DON' KNOW WHAT IT'S FOR.
IT'S FOR THE ORPHANS.
YES? IT'S A GIFT.
A WHAT? A GIFT.
(jingling coins) OH, A GIFT! A TAX DODGE.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO? WELL, I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
CAN YOU JUST EXPLAIN EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT? WELL, I WANT YOU TO GIVE ME A POUND AND THEN I GO AWAY AND GIVE I TO THE ORPHANS.
YES? (laughter) WELL, THAT'S IT.
NO, NO, NO, I DON' FOLLOW THIS AT ALL.
I MEAN, I DON' WANT TO SEEM STUPID BUT IT LOOKS TO ME AS THOUGH I'M A POUND DOWN ON THE WHOLE DEAL.
YES, YOU ARE.
I AM.
WELL, WHAT IS MY INCENTIVE TO GIVE YOU THE POUND? WELL, THE INCENTIVE IS TO MAKE THE ORPHANS HAPPY.
HAPPY? (laughter) YOU QUITE SURE YOU'VE GOT THIS RIGHT? YES, LOTS OF PEOPLE GIVE ME MONEY.
WHAT, JUST LIKE THAT? YES.
MUST BE SICK.
(laughter) I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU COULD GIVE ME A LIST OF THEIR NAMES AND ADDRESSES, COULD YOU? (laughter) NO, I JUST GO UP TO THEM IN THE STREET AND ASK.
GOOD LORD! THAT'S THE MOS EXCITING NEW IDEA I'VE HEARD IN YEARS! IT'S SO SIMPLE IT'S BRILLIANT.
WELL, IF THA IDEA OF YOURS ISN'T WORTH A POUND I'D LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IS.
THANK YOU, SIR.
THE ONLY TROUBLE IS YOU GAVE ME THE IDEA BEFORE I'D GIVEN YOU THE POUND.
AND THAT'S NO GOOD BUSINESS.
ISN'T IT? NO, I'M AFRAID IT ISN'T.
SO OFF YOU GO.
(yells) NICE TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU.
ANYWAY.
AND OFF WE GO AGAIN.
UH MISS GODFREY, COULD YOU SEND IN THE PANTOMIME HORSES, PLEASE? (upbeat, lively band music playing) (music stops) NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU (band music starts again) (music stops) NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU (music starts) SHUT UP! (music stops) NOW, I'VE ASKED YOU IN HERE TO SEE ME THIS MORNING BECAUSE I'M AFRAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO.
I'M VERY SORRY, BUT THE PRESEN RATIONALIZATION OF THIS FIRM MAKES IT INEVITABLE THAT WE HIVE ONE OF YOU OFF.
(laughter) NOW, YOU MAY THINK THA THIS IS VERY HARSH BEHAVIOR BUT LET ME TELL YOU THAT OUR MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS ACTUALLY QUERIED THE NECESSITY FOR US TO EMPLOY A PANTOMIME HORSE AT ALL.
AND SO THE DECISION HAS TO BE MADE WHICH ONE OF YOU IS TO GO.
CHAMPION HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU BEEN WITH THIS FIRM? (taps three times) TRIGGER? (taps three times) I SEE WELL, IT'S A DIFFICULT DECISION BUT IN ACCORDANCE WITH OUR TRADITIONAL PRINCIPLES OF FREE ENTERPRISE AND HEALTHY COMPETITION I'M GOING TO ASK THE TWO OF YOU TO FIGHT TO THE DEATH FOR IT.
NO, I'M AFRAID THERE'S NO REDUNDANCY SCHEME.
Narrator with foreign accent: IN THE HARD AND UNRELENTING WORLD OF NATURE THE CEASELESS STRUGGLE FOR SURVIVAL CONTINUES.
THIS TIME ONE OF THE PANTOMIME HORSES CONCEDES DEFEA AND SO LIVES TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY.
HERE IN A COLONY OF SEA LIONS, WE SEE A HUGE BULL SEA LION SEEING OFF AN INTRUDING BULL WHO IS ATTEMPTING TO INTRUDE ON HIS HAREM.
THIS PATTERN OF AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR IS TYPICAL OF THESE DOCUMENTARIES.
HERE WE SEE TWO LIMPETS LOCKED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE FOR TERRITORY.
THE HUGE BULL LIMPET, ENRAGED BY THE ROCK ENDEAVORS TO ENCIRCLE ITS SPRIGHTLY OPPONENT.
HERE WE SEE AN ANT.
THIS ANT IS ENGAGED IN A LIFE- OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH THE WOLF.
YOU CAN SEE THE ANT CREEPING UP ON THE WOLF ON ALL SIXES.
NOW HE STOPS TO OBSERVE.
SATISFIED THAT THE WOLF HAS NO HEARD HIM, HE APPROACHES NEARER.
WITH GREAT SKILL, HE CHOOSES HIS MOMEN AND THEN, QUICK AS A LIMPE WITH ONE MIGHTY BOUND, BURIES HIS FANGS IN THE WOLF'S NECK.
THE WOLF STRUGGLES TO NO AVAIL.
A BATTLE OF THIS KIND CAN TAKE ANYTHING UP TO 15 YEARS BECAUSE THE TIMBER AN HAS SUCH A TINY MOUTH.
HERE WE SEE HEINZ SIELMANN ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH PETER SCOTT.
THEY ARE ENGAGED IN A BITTER PUNCH-UP OVER REPEAT FEES ON THE OVERSEAS SALES OF THEIR NATURE DOCUMENTARIES.
NOW THEY HAVE BEEN JOINED BY AN ENRAGED JACQUES COUSTEAU.
THIS IS TYPICAL OF THE HARSH AND BITCHY WORLD OF TELEVISION FEATURES.
HERE WE SEE A HONEYBEAR NOT ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE ABOUT ANYTHING.
THESE HONEYBEARS ARE PLACID AND PEACEFUL CREATURES AND CONSEQUENTLY BAD TELEVISION.
HERE WE SEE A PANTOMIME HORSE.
IT IS ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE FOR A JOB WITH A MERCHANT BANK.
HOWEVER, HIS RIVAL EMPLOYEE, THE HUGE BULL PANTOMIME HORSE IS LYING IN WAIT FOR HIM.
POOR PANTOMIME HORSE.
HERE WE SEE A PANTOMIME GOOSE ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH TERENCE RATTIGAN.
THE ENRAGED GOOSE FIRES.
POOR TERENCE ANOTHER VICTIM OF THIS SILLY FILM.
HERE WE SEE AN ENRAGED PANTOMIME PRINCESS MARGARET.
SHE IS LYING IN WAI FOR HER BREAKFAST.
THE UNSUSPECTING BREAKFAS GLIDES EVER CLOSER TO ITS DOOM.
THE ENRAGED PANTOMIME ROYAL PERSON IS POISED FOR THE KILL.
SHE RAISES HER HARPOON AND FIRES.
PANG! RIGHT IN THE TOAST.
A BRIEF STRUGGLE, AND ALL IS OVER.
POOR BREAKFAST.
ANOTHER VICTIM OF (screams) (running footsteps) (running footsteps) OH, A PANTOMIME PHRASE CAUGHT HIMSELF A NICE LITTLE DINNER, FRED.
(ferocious roaring) I THINK THE DINING ROOM WANTS HIS DIN-DINS, TOO.
YOUR TURN TODAY, DEAR.
(terrible screaming) (room burps) (ferocious roaring) ALL RIGHT, MR.
BEDROOM.
YOU'LL GET YOUR DINNER, TOO.
(Fred screaming) (screaming stops) (doorbell rings) POSTMAN.
(postman screaming, house roars) (woman humming "Greensleeves") (house growls) (man yelling) (man screaming, house roaring) Woman: OH WELL, THE 69's LATE AGAIN TODAY.
(roaring) (people screaming) (growling quietly) (toilet flushes) (laughter) (leaves rustling) DO YOU HEAR THAT, TIM? YEP COULD JUST BE THE HOUSE WE'RE LOOKING FOR.
THIS, THEN, IS THE STORY OF TWO DESPERATE MEN HIRED BY THE GOOD PEOPLE AT N.
C.
P.
CAR PARKS TO HUNT DOWN AND DESTROY HOUSES TOO DANGEROUS TO LIVE.
WELL, WHA DO YOU THINK? OH, THESE ARE HOUSE DROPPINGS, ALL RIGHT.
(laughter) OKAY, LET'S GO.
(house snoring) PST, OVER HERE.
THAT'S THE ONE.
COVER ME.
I'M GOING TO MAKE A TRY FOR IT.
(house snoring) (hunters cheering) (cash register dings) (brakes screeching, horns blaring, crashing) AND SO, THANKS ONCE AGAIN TO THE UNCEASING EFFORTS OF THE GOOD PEOPLE AT N.
C.
P.
CAR PARKS THE WORLD IS MADE JUST A LITTLE BIT SAFER.
(blowing a raspberry) (audience laughter) Man: "SKETCH JUS STARTING, ACTOR WANTED.
" G-GOOD MORNING.
MORNING, SIR.
I'D LIKE TO JOIN THE ARMY, PLEASE.
I SEE.
SHORT SERVICE OR LONG SERVICE COMMISSION, SIR? UH, LONG AS POSSIBLE, PLEASE.
RIGHT, WELL, I'LL JUS TAKE A FEW PARTICULARS AND THEN SHOVE OFF! (laughter) AND THEN THERE'LL BE A FEW FORMS TO SIGN.
OF COURSE WE'LL NEED SOME REFERENCES AND THEN A FULL MEDICAL EXAMINATION BY THE YES, I SEE.
I-I WAS JUST WONDERING WHETHER IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO JOIN THE WOMEN'S ARMY.
(laughter) THE WOMEN'S ROYAL ARMY CORPS, SIR? UH, YES, I WAS JUS THINKING, YOU KNOW IF IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO HAVE MY CHOICE I'D PREFER TO BE IN THE WOMEN'S ROYAL ARMY CORPS.
WELL, I'M AFRAID THA THE PEOPLE THAT RECRUIT HERE NORMALLY GO STRAIGH INTO THE SCOTS GUARDS.
WHICH IS ALL MEN, I SUPPOSE.
YES, IT IS.
YES.
ARE THERE ANY REGIMENTS WHICH ARE MORE EFFEMINATE THAN OTHERS? WELL, NO, SIR.
I MEAN, APART FROM THE MARINES, THEY'RE ALL DEAD BUTCH.
SEE, WHA I REALLY WANTED WAS A REGIMENT WHERE I COULD BE REALLY QUIE AND HAVE MORE TIME TO MYSELF TO WORK WITH FABRICS AND CREATING NEW CONCEPTS IN INTERIOR DESIGN.
WORKING WITH FABRICS AND EXPERIMENTING WITH INTERIOR DESIGN? YES.
OH, WELL, YOU WANT THE DURHAM LIGHT INFANTRY, THEN, SIR.
OH.
THAT'S THE ONLY REGIMENT THAT'S REALLY DOING SOMETHING NEW WITH INTERIOR DESIGN WITH COLOR, TEXTURE AND LINE AND THAT.
I SEE.
OH, YES I MEAN THEIR USE OF COLOR WITH FABRICS IS FANTASTIC.
I SAW THEIR PATTERN BOOK THE OTHER DAY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
SAVAGE TANS GREAT SLABS OF BLACK, SET AGAINST AGGRESSIVE ORANGE.
IT REALLY MAKES YOU WANT TO SHOUT OU "THIS IS GOOD! THIS IS REAL!" REALLY? OH, YES I MEAN THE INNISKILLIN FUSILIERS AND THE ANGLIAN REGIMEN ARE ALL RIGH IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN THE ART NOUVEAU WILLIAM MORRIS REVIVAL BI BUT IF YOU REALLY WAN A REGIMENTAL LINE THAT IS REALLY SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT INTERIOR DECOR THEN YOU'VE GOT TO GO FOR THE DURHAM LIGHT INFANTRY.
OH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
I'M HANDING IN MY NOTICE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WELL, I MEAN, WHEN I APPLIED FOR THIS JOB I THOUGHT I'D GE A FEW DECENT LINES BUT YOU END UP DOING THE WHOLE THING.
I MEAN, MY LAST FIVE SPEECHES HAVE BEEN "REALLY," "REALLY," "I SEE," "I SEE" AND "REALLY.
" I WOULDN'T GIVE THOSE LINES TO A DOG.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, SONNY.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
WE'LL DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
I'LL BE A BUS CONDUCTOR, AND YOU CAN BE A REALLY FUNNY PASSENGER ON A BUS.
ANY MORE FARES, PLEASE? I'VE GOT A CHAUFFEUR AND EVERY TIME I GO TO THE LAVATORY HE DRIVES ME POTTY! BOOM-BOOM! ONE IN A ROW.
I'M NOT UNUSUAL, I'M JUST FIVE PENNY, PLEASE.
FIVE BEAUTIFUL PENNIES GOING INTO THE BAG AND YOU ARE THE LUCKY WINNER OF ONE FIVE PENNY TICKET.
WHAT'S THE WELSHMAN DOING UNDER THE BED? HE'S HAVING A LEAK! OH, THEY'RE ALL IN HERE TONIGHT.
LOOK! I AM LOOKING.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP MY EYELIDS APART.
BOOM-BOOM! EVERY ONE A MASERATI.
LOOK, YOU SAID I WAS GOING TO BE A FUNNY PASSENGER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I MEAN, ALL I SAID WAS, "FIVE PENNY, PLEASE.
" YOU CAN'T CALL THAT A FUNNY LINE.
WELL, IT'S THE WAY YOU SAID IT.
NO, IT ISN'T.
NOBODY CAN SAY "FIVE PENNY, PLEASE" AND MAKE IT FUNNY.
FIVE PENNY, PLEASE.
MORNING.
(both laughing hysterically) NOT SO WARM TODAY, EH, GEORGE? (laughing) Man: GOOD MORNING.
Man: GOOD MORNING.
Woman: GOOD MORNING.
Man in bowler: GOOD MORNING.
(everyone laughing) (knock at door) COME IN, MR.
HORTON.
MORNING, SIR.
(stifling a laugh) (clears his throat) DO, UH DO SIT DOWN.
THANK YOU, SIR.
(snickering) NOW, THEN, HORTON.
YOU'VE BEEN WITH US FOR 20 YEARS AND YOUR WORK IN THE ACCOUNTS DEPARTMEN HAS BEEN IMMACULATE.
NO, NO PLEASE DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
AS I SAY, YOUR WORK HAS BEEN BEYOND REPROACH.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY THE EFFECT YOU ARE HAVING ON YOUR COLLEAGUES HAS UNDERMINED THE COMPETENCE HAS UNDERMINED THE COMPETENCE OF THIS FIRM TO SUCH A POIN THAT I'M AFRAID I'VE GOT NO OPTION (sniffs) BUT TO SACK YOU.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SIR.
IT COULDN'T HAVE COME AT A WORSE TIME.
(guffawing) THERE'S SCHOOL FEES FOR THE TWO BOYS COMING UP AND THE WIFE'S TREATMEN COSTING MORE NOW, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE MONEY'S COMING FROM AS IT IS.
AND NOW I DON' SEE ANY FUTURE.
I'D BEEN HOPING I MIGH BE ABLE TO HANG ON HERE JUST FOR THE LAS COUPLE OF YEARS BUT NOW I I JUST WAN TO GO OUT AND END IT ALL.
(laughing hysterically) THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
AND NOW FOR THE FISH THE FISH DOWN THE TROUSERS.
(woman shrieks with laughter) IT'S YOUR LAUGH, MATE, IT'S NOT MINE.
IT'S YOUR TROUSERS, NOT MY TROUSERS YOUR TROUSERS.
AND NOW FOR THE WHITEWASH.
THE WHITEWASH OVER YOU (laughter) NOT OVER ME, IT'S OVER YOU.
YOU GET THE LAUGHS.
YOU GET ALL THE LAUGHS.
AND NOW FOR THE CUSTARD PIE IN THE MUSH.
(laughter) IT'S NOT MY MUSH, IT'S YOUR MUSH.
IT'S YOUR LAUGH IT'S YOUR LAUGH, MATE, IT'S NOT MINE.
IT'S YOUR BLEEDING LAUGH.
(laughter) (applause) (carnival waltz music playing) GOOD EVENING.
WELL, TONIGH WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT WELL, THAT IS, I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M TALKING ABOUT IT NOW.
WELL, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT IT NOW, BUT I AM TALKING.
I KNOW I'M PAUSING OCCASIONALLY AND NOT TALKING DURING THE PAUSES BUT THE PAUSES ARE PAR OF THE WHOLE PROCESS OF TALKING.
WHEN ONE TALKS, ONE HAS TO PAUSE.
UH LIKE THEN.
I PAUSED, BUT I WAS STILL TALKING.
AND AGAIN THERE! THE REAL POIN OF WHAT I'M SAYING IS THAT WHEN I APPEAR NOT TO BE TALKING DON'T GO NIPPING OUT TO THE KITCHEN, PUTTING THE KETTLE ON BUTTERING SCONES OR GETTING CRUMBS AND BITS OF FOOD OUT OF THOSE ROUND, BROWN STRAW MATS THAT THE TEAPOT GOES ON, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE IN ALL PROBABILITY, I'M STILL TALKING AND WHAT YOU HEARD WAS A PAUSE.
LIKE THERE AGAIN.
LOOK, TO MAKE I ABSOLUTELY EASIER SO THERE'S NO PROBLEM AT ALL WHAT I'LL DO IS I'LL GIVE YOU SOME KIND OF SIGN, LIKE THIS WHEN I'M STILL TALKING AND ONLY PAUSING IN BETWEEN WORDS.
AND WHEN I'M FINISHED ALTOGETHER I'LL DO THIS, ALL RIGHT? NO, NO, SORRY! NO, NO.
SORRY, JUST DEMONSTRATING.
HAVEN'T FINISHED.
HAVEN'T STARTED YET.
OH, DEAR.
NEARLY FORGOT THE GESTURE.
HOPE NONE OF YOU ARE NIPPING OUT INTO THE KITCHEN GETTING BITS OF FOOD OU OF THOSE ROUND, BROWN MATS WHICH THE GOOD EVENING.
TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT Announcer: WE INTERRUP THIS PROGRAM TO ANNOY YOU AND MAKE THINGS GENERALLY IRRITATING FOR YOU.
WITH A LARGE PIECE OF WET PAPER.
TURN THE PAPER OVER TURN THE PAPER OVER, KEEPING YOUR EYE ON THE CAMEL AND PASTE DOWN THE EDGE OF THE SAILOR'S UNIFORM UNTIL THE WORD "MAUDLING" IS ALMOST TOTALLY OBSCURED.
(laughter) WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY OF DOING IT.
GOOD EVENING.
WE INTERRUP THIS PROGRAM AGAIN "A," TO IRRITATE YOU AND "B," TO PROVIDE WORK FOR ONE OF OUR ANNOUNCERS.
Announcer 2: GOOD EVENING.
I'M THE ANNOUNCER WHO'S JUS BEEN GIVEN THIS JOB BY THE BBC AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO THE BBC FOR PROVIDING ME WITH WORK PARTICULARLY A THIS TIME OF YEAR WHEN THINGS ARE A BIT THIN FOR US ANNOUNCERS.
UM I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD TELL YOU THIS, BUT WELL, I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH A RATHER TOUGH TIME RECENTLY.
(laughter) THINGS HAVE BEEN PRETTY AWFUL AT HOME.
MY WIFE, JOSEPHINE "JOE-JUMS" AS I CALL HER WHO'S ALSO AN ANNOUNCER Woman: HELLO.
Announcer 2: UH, HAS NO BEEN ABLE TO ANNOUNCE SINCE OUR YOUNGEST, CLIFFORD, WAS BORN, AND (sighs) WELL, I'VE JUST GO NO CONFIDENCE LEFT.
I MEAN I CAN'T GET UP IN THE MORNING.
I FEEL THERE'S NOTHING WORTH LIVING FOR.
Announcer 3: HELLO, I'M ANOTHER ANNOUNCER.
MY NAME IS DICK.
JOE-JUMS JUST RANG ME AND SAID JACK WAS HAVING A BAD TIME WITH THIS ANNOUNCEMEN SO I'VE JUST COME TO GIVE HIM A HAND.
HOW IS HE, JOE-JUMS? Joe-Jums: PRETTY BAD, DICK.
Dick: JACK, IT'S DICK.
DO YOU WANT ME TO MAKE THE ANNOUNCEMENT? Jack: NO.
(trembling): NO, DICK, I MUST DO IT MYSELF.
(audience laughter) IT'S MY LAST CHANCE WITH THE BBC.
I CAN'T THROW IT AWAY.
I'VE GOT TO DO I FOR JOE-JUMS, FOR THE KIDS I'VE GOT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT.
Dick: GOOD MAN.
NOW, REMEMBER YOUR ANNOUNCER'S TRAINING DEEP BREATHS, AND TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
(laughter) (Jack inhales deeply) Jack (calmly): GOOD EVENING.
THIS IS BBC 1.
Joe-Jums (softly): GOOD LUCK, JACK.
Dick: KEEP GOING, OLD BOY.
Jack: IT'S 9:00 AND TIME FOR THE NEWS READ BY RICHARD BAKER.
Joe-Jums: YOU'VE DONE IT! Dick: CONGRATULATIONS, OLD MAN! Jack: WAS IT OKAY? Dick: ABSOLUTELY TOP-O! Joe-Jums: ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS.
YOU KNOW YOU WERE! FANTASTIC, DARLING! YOU WERE BRILLIANT, REALLY.
(Baker inaudible) Party hostess: IT'S SO MARVELOUS TO HAVE YOU HERE.
(cocktail glasses clinking) Dick: FOR GOD'S SAKE, DRINK THIS (audience laughter) Man: YOU WERE ROCK SOLID.
Jack: THANKS VERY MUCH.
(muddle of conversation, glasses clinking) (laughter) (more laughter) (Baker still inaudible) (muddled cocktail chatter continues) Jack: I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT MEANS.
Dick: I THINK IT'S A TURNING POINT (jumble of conversations) Man: HELLO, REGGIE.
WHAT? Man 2: IS THAT GORDON? Man 1: YES HANG ON, REGGIE.
(celebratory chatter and laughter fade out) UNTIL THE NAME MAUDLING IS ALMOST TOTALLY OBSCURED.
THAT IS THE NED OF THE NICLOE-NOCK WENS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE LATE-NIGHT FILM.
(James Bond-type theme playing) (theme ends) (audience laughter) OH! OH, PANTOMIME HORSE, THAT WAS WONDERFUL! WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER GLASS? OH, NO, NO, I MUSTN'T.
IT MAKES ME THROW UP.
(sighs) OH, I'M SO BLEEDING HAPPY.
(laughter) OH, SIMONE.
OH, PANTOMIME HORSE.
THEN (fires revolver) (laughter) (suspenseful chase music playing) (laughter) Announcer: AND NOW THE HAS VERY NEARLY CAUGHT UP WITH THE RUSSIAN PANTOMIME HORSE.
I THINK HE'S GOING TO TAKE HIM ANY MOMENT NOW.
BUT WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS THIS? YES, IT'S THE PANTOMIME PRINCESS MARGARE AND THE PANTOMIME GOOSE AND THEY'RE ATTACKING AND THE RUSSIAN PANTOMIME HORSE HAS GOT AWAY BUT WHO IS THIS? MY GOODNESS ME! IT'S THE DUKE OF KEN TO THE RESCUE.
(laughter) (Sousa's "Liberty Bell March" playing) Narrator with German accent: HERE YOU SEE ENGAGED IN A LIFE-OR-DEATH STRUGGLE WITH A RATHER WEAK ENDING.
THIS IS TYPICAL OF THE ZANY, MADCAP WORLD OF THE IRRESISTIBLE, KOOKY FUNSTERS.
AND SO IS ASSURED OF A PLACE IN BRITISH HISTORY AND A STEADY JOB IN A MERCHANT BANK.
(blows a raspberry) UNFORTUNATELY, BEFORE HIS PENSION RIGHTS ARE ASSURED HE CATCHES BRONCHITIS AND DIES ANOTHER VICTIM OF THE NEED TO FINISH THESE SHOWS ON TIME.