Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e04 Episode Script

Thanks for driving me to work, Mind.
- Oh, hello, Mork, Mindy.
- Oh, hi.
l'm glad you're here early, Mork.
l have bad news.
Mr.
Paul Simpson, the man we lease this daycare centre from, also owns the roller disco place across the street.
Our lease is up the end of the month, and Mr.
Simpson isn't going to renew it.
He's going to tear down the daycare centre and make it a parking lot for the skating rink.
Oh, no, he can't do that.
What'll happen to our little munchkins? They can't play hopscotch in the fast lane.
God only knows.
Mr.
Simpson called, he's going to come over here this morning and explain things.
lf he appears, l'll be back in a second.
But Oh, Mork.
We better put our heads together.
Those kids are gonna be thrown out in the streets.
Yeah, l'll give that Mr.
Simpson a piece of my mind, or at least a hunk of my frontal lobe there, Mind.
l mean, eviction of little munchkins, well, that's rude.
l mean, we can't be mean to kids.
Well, this isn't a Joan Crawford daycare centre.
You know, if it's the Paul Simpson, he's really a powerful man.
l mean, he owns half of Boulder.
Well, we'll just have to tell Mr.
The Paul Simpson that he's dealing with Mork the Defender.
Oh, he's making my jaws tight, Mind.
lf l ever see him, l'm gonna give him what for.
- What five, give him what six.
- Excuse me.
- What six and a half.
- l'm Paul Simpson.
Oh, what for? Oh, please, don't throw the little yodas out, Master Simpson.
Please, don't you understand? l mean, you can't tear down the orphanage.
Little Orphan Annie and Oliver Twist will be thrown out in the cold picked up by Fagin and forced to lie, cheat and steal.
Then they'll take them to Hollywood and work in B movies.
They'll never have an agent.
- They'll never know-- - Mork.
Lighten up.
And it's not an orphanage, it's a daycare centre.
Who ever heard of Little Daycare Centre Annie? You stay there.
Excuse me, Mr.
Simpson.
But if you tear down the daycare centre, what'll the kids do when their parents go to work? Oh, l don't wanna see this place torn down, but l'm not doing it, my son is.
Oh, you mean, you don't own the roller disco? Well, technically, l do, but l bought the place and gave it to my son.
Can't you tell him not to tear this place down? Oh, l have to let him do it his way.
He's always been irresponsible, a troublemaker.
The only thing he can do well is skate.
l bought that rink and gave it to him, hoping it would straighten him out.
lt seems to be working, so l'm not going to interfere.
l can understand your concern for your son, but what about all those little kids? Well, l'm going to wait here for Mrs.
Fowler.
Why don't you go down and talk to my son, Wheels? Wheels? ls that a family name? His real name is Carroll.
For some reason, he prefers to be called Wheels.
Wow, that guy's really good.
Maybe.
l haven't been skating in such a long time.
l hope l don't fall down and hurt myself.
Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, what's the big deal here? We're not flying to the moon.
Just talking a little skating, a little gravity, a little friction.
Well, it's not that easy, Mork.
Have you ever done it? Mindy, how hard can it be? l mean, you got four wheels on each foot.
Ever seen an eight-wheeler tip over, a Peterbilt gono, boy.
Come on home, Mama, l'll take anything you need.
See? Ta-da, no big deal.
Oh, no big deal.
You're walking on the carpet.
Mindy, l mean, we Orkans are born balancers.
l mean, we can waltz on water, we can tap dance on tapioca.
See this? Watch out there.
We can also polka on the head of a pin.
You know, we-- Hey, hey, hey.
Okay.
Mind? Mind, please help me get up.
Oh, Mork, you shouldn't balance on your nose.
l just don't understand how those eight-wheelers stay upright.
Good, here comes Wheels.
Why don't we catch him while he's alone? That's all right, Mind.
l'm okay, l'm all right.
You go on, l just have a little cramp in my shoelace.
- l'll be okay, l'm a superior being.
- Okay.
Bye, Mind.
Oh, Mind.
Mind, Mind.
My name is Mindy McConnell, and l have a friend who'd like to talk to you.
Oh, where is your friend? He can talk to me while l'm scraping up the gunk.
He's right here.
He's here somewhere.
Where could he be? Would you get to the point? Wheels is busy.
Here you go, sign there.
All right, but l'm not gonna sign it Carroll.
l'm signing it Wheels.
Well, see, l shouldn't be the one that talks to you about this, because Mork is the one who has the bone to pick.
Mork, come up here.
Oh, you must be Wheels.
And you must be Toes.
Oh, you kid.
Oh, actually, l'm Mork from the daycare centre.
You go to daycare centre? Shoot, l was in jail at your age.
He works there.
l suppose you know the reasons why you shouldn't tear it down.
- Nope.
- Nope.
There's some kind of an echo here, Mindy.
But what about the children? Oh, well, we'll try to get most of them out before we flatten the place.
Wait a minute here.
What kind of a human being are you? What kind of a? You big turkey, he doesn't even know how to skate.
Now, look, chicky poo, if you don't like the way l do business, you can get your perky little pigtails out of here.
Mind, Mind.
You sure l can't change your mind about that daycare centre? You got about as much chance of that as you do of outskating me.
Mork, l'm gonna fall.
Okay, l accept your bet.
- What bet? - Buddy.
Let go of me.
Will you let go of me? Now, what bet? Well, you said that if l beat you in skating, you'd change your mind.
Well, l accept your challenge, yup.
l didn't say that.
Oh, are we discoing to a different beat now, Mr.
Thing? Yeah? You hear that, everybody? Wheels the Professional says that he doesn't wanna race Mork the Beginner, huh? Mind, he's quaking in his skates right now, isn't he? Hey, Wheels, they're laughing at you.
Don't be silly, l'm not afraid of him.
Okay, l'll race him.
You hear that, everybody? He accepts my challenge, Mind.
Mork, you can't beat him.
Mind.
Now, l am a superior alien being, remember that.
Okay, then let's get this straight.
lf Mork wins, then the daycare centre stays.
And if you win, it becomes a parking lot.
Hey, what difference is it gonna make anyway, huh? How many laps around the rink, clown? Clown? No home rink advantage for you, no way.
Here comes the superior part, Mind.
Watch this.
This is the only rink in Boulder.
Where are you supposed to skate? We're gonna skate the Rockies.
The Rocky Mountains? - That's the superior part? - Yeah.
We're gonna start up Eagle Point, skate down through Boulder Mountain Park, end up at the mall.
That's ten miles and steep.
And there might be snow.
Oh, a little: Are we writing a little cheque with our mouth that our feet can't cash maybe? You don't know.
Are you in, big guy, or not? l guess l'm in.
- All right, yeah.
- lt's my pride.
Saturday, high noon.
Be there or be square.
Mindy, we've got the oldest trick in the book.
- lt's in the solar system guidebook.
- Yeah? Watch this one.
You're a rink skater.
But up there on the mountain where there's no strobe light, no disco beat and no spandex, we're equal.
Well, l gotta admire a guy that can put one over on me.
Wheels, why don't you let the smart guy read your belt buckle? Sure, l enjoy a little light reading.
''Colorado State Rink Street Cross-Country Skate Champion.
'' Pretty.
You know, Mindy, Mork simply doesn't have a chance to win the race.
Oh, l agree.
He got up before dawn to start training.
That was six hours ago.
He seems to have a will, but there's no way.
l think l hear Rocky now.
Mork, what's wrong? Oh, Mind, you see this finger? Yeah.
That's the only part of my body that doesn't hurt.
And that's because l think it's a clean break.
Let me help you.
Look out.
Oh, Mork, just - Okay.
- Hello, Fred.
Mork, you look terrible.
l was all right, Fred, until l skinned my eyes.
Mind.
You'll never guess who l ran into, Mindy.
Who? Well, you beat me, but no fair.
You took a shortcut through the rose hedge.
Oh, Dad, this is Glenda Faye Comstock.
We went to high school together.
Yes, yes.
l've always liked you, Mr.
McConnell.
Oh, yes.
- Where'd you run into Glenda Faye? - Well-- He ran into me here, then here, and a little later right down here.
Mindy, do you mind if l use your bathroom? l'd like to powder my bruises.
Sure.
Excuse me.
Well, l really admire your spirit.
Six hours of training.
Where'd you go? Well, Mind, you wouldn't believe this, but l went all the way around the block.
How many times? Times? Mork, you can't learn to skate like a professional in a week.
Oh, Fred, l've got to.
l mean, l've gotta do it for the kids.
And besides, l can't lose, no way.
Why can't you lose? Well, because this is the land of the home, free of the brave.
Because the good guys always win, and that's me.
Oh, who says the good guys always win? Oh, Fred, movies, television.
l mean, look at that.
l mean, it's the American way.
When's the last time you saw Genghis Khan ride off into the sunset? All right, you little Mongols, head your little ponies up.
Or when's the last time you saw Peter Lorre ride off into the sunset? Happy trails to you Until we meet again You're very pretty.
You see, it's determination.
Determination, it's the little skater who thought he could.
l think l can, l think l can.
Can, yes, l can, can, yes, l can.
See? Determination, Fred, and that's what l've got lots of.
My middle name is Mr.
D.
Good afternoon, fellow Boulderites.
l'll be receiving reports throughout the course of the race by spotters using walkie-talkies.
And l see by the old watch on the wrist that the race is about to start.
Yes, our two daredevils should be getting ready to start the race right about now up at the top of Eagle's Peak.
- Now, you know your route.
- Okay.
You go down Oak Street, you turn onto Pearl, and then you go right into Boulder Mall.
Right into Boulder Mall.
Too bad they don't make those in loafers, huh, Mind? Look at that helmet.
He looks like Amelia Earhart.
Hey, he's nothing.
- Watch out for the potholes.
- Potholes, yeah.
- And the ice, it's slippery.
- Yeah, yeah, that's right.
- Like that.
- Like that.
And keep your vest buttoned, you don't wanna catch cold.
Thanks, Mother Mind.
Hello, Wheels.
Hello, sleazy second.
Say hi to the warden.
l got everything we need in the van.
And l put them tyres where you told me to.
Good.
l know l can beat this turkey, but l don't wanna take any chances.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, Bozz, let's get this over with.
Good luck, Mork.
You can do it, l hope.
Sure l can, Mind.
And l've trained for a week.
On your mark, get set Oh, l forgot got to wish him good luck.
May the best - Excuse me, l - Go.
l think you better shoot that thing again.
He's a little far away, l don't think he heard it.
- What kind of a start was that? - A nice clean start.
Get going.
Mork, go.
- Come on, go.
- l'm going.
Go, go.
l can do it.
The good guys always win.
Now, all it takes is a little total concentration.
Now, l can't let anything distract me.
Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.
Not now, Orson, l'm busy.
l gotta get an unlisted head.
l wonder who left those tyres in the middle of-- Oh, no, someone could Where'd you come from? Oh, a little spot called death's door.
l'd like to talk about the start of that race.
Where l come from, it's usually ready, set, bang, skate, not ready, set, skate, bang.
l know it's a very subtle difference, but Speaking of where'd you come from, how did you get beside those tyres? What tyres? What tyres? l Rapidly mounting suspicions here.
l know there's something wrong, but l can't pinpoint it.
Look who caught up to Mr.
Champion.
l'm glad, makes this easier.
Oh, hope l land on something soft.
l heard pine was a soft wood.
Oh, Mork.
Here, let me help you.
Take my arm.
l know.
- Give me a grab.
- Thank you.
Are you okay? Mind, l thought the good guys always win.
Not when the bad guys cheat.
Yeah, but l don't wanna cheat.
l don't wanna do anything rash.
lf you won't be rash, how you gonna catch him? Well, it's a drastic measure, but l could always induce translinear phasial-molecular motion.
Could you translate that into Earthling, please? Well, basically it's a time warp, Mind.
But l can't do it for very long.
l don't know if l have time to catch him anyway.
At this point, you gotta try anything.
Oh, look who's telling me to cheat.
l'm not telling you to cheat.
He's the one that's cheating.
And anyway, you're doing it for the kids.
Yeah, the little munchkins.
You're right, Mind.
l'll see you at the finish line if l don't burn up on reentry.
- Big kiss.
- Okay.
- Good luck.
- Thank you, l Well, l can't catch him on the road, l'll have to take a shortcut.
Wait a minute, you're gonna skate down there through the grass? He's skating through the grass.
Ladies and gentlemen, l just got word from one of our spotters that Wheels Simpson is in town and headed toward the finish line.
Mork is nowhere in sight.
Well, it looks like Wheels is an easy winner, ladies and gentlemen.
Wheels is coming down this-- Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen.
Our spotter says that Mork is in town and skating towards the mall.
Why are you slowing down? Use your time warp.
l'm all warped out, Mind.
l don't get it.
The bad guys are winning, and the good guys are here sucking air.
You can do it.
What about all that talk about determination and drive? Oh, you're right, l can't let a little thing like physical exhaustion stop me.
- Right, go.
- All that drive.
- You wanna see drive? - Yeah.
- Next stop, the winner's circle.
- Good.
Here l go, Mind.
Here l go.
Mork.
l know, l know.
Oh, they're neck and neck, ladies and gentlemen.
What a race.
Wait a minute, what's that guy pulling? Let him by, you yutzo.
Holy smoke, did you see that? Mork, Mork.
You can do it, Mork.
Yeah, you're right.
This one's for you, munchkin.
ls your last name Gipper? Mork, Mork.
- Are you all right? - Step back.
Okay, he's all right, ladies and gentlemen.
- Mork.
- Mind, Mind, Mind.
l can't believe it.
You won, you won.
The kids are so excited.
Oh, shucks and wazoo, Mind.
Way to go, Mork.
What you did took a lot of courage and stupidity.
Oh, thank you.
We're all very proud of you, Mork.
Swell, this is really exciting, Mind.
- l think l beat the best, didn't l? - Yeah, you did.
l guess that makes me top skate now, doesn't it? You know, people will be skating all over the country going: Oh, maybe l should open up my own roller disco rink, maybe.
So l can teach John Q.
Public how to really skate right.
l've learned some basic moves, Mind.
Besides - Watch yourself down there.
- Wait, Mork.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Your Equatorship.
l'm here, Mork.
What's your report this week? Well, sir, this week l raced a human on roller skates and won.
- What did you win? - Oh, the race, sir.
But the real winners were the children who got to keep their daycare centre.
Do Earthlings always race on skates? Oh, no, sir, there are different kinds of races.
There's dog races, horse races, auto races.
lt sounds like racing is very popular there, Mork.
Well, sir, it is.
And the most wonderful race of all could be the human race.
lf they'd only realise that they're all on the same team.
All they need is some kind of international referee.
You know, some You know, sir, l think l look awfully good in black and white stripes, don't you? Follow me on this one.
Brezhnev, 1 5 miles, illegal invasion.
Castro, you're out of the game, smoking in the huddle.
Amin, you'd be out of the game too if we could find you.
Whoa, there you are, you little sucker.
Until next week, sir, na-no, na-no.