Mount Pleasant (2011) s03e04 Episode Script
Season 3, Episode 4
"Lisa Johnson" "MD"? Oh, there it goes! Did you hear it? Hear what? The MD klaxon.
Maybe we don't need a massive big place after all? Maybe there's nothing wrong with a few tables at the Central.
Dan wants kids? Too right.
What about you? I want this Fergus.
I want the empire.
You're stuck in on your own You can always shout me up.
We've got something, you and me.
We always have had something.
I didn't mean it like that.
That was Wham, Dan.
Hey, Wham, Dan, thank you, ma'am! Boom! What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you, mardy-face? Do you want some bacon? It's 8:30! On a SATURDAY.
I know! and I haven't got a hangover! Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.
For you maybe.
Some of us have kept it traditional.
So I see.
Drinking on your own, were we? Bit tragic, isn't it? How do you know I was on my own? Might have had Little Mix round here for all you'd have known.
What time did you get back anyway? Little Mix must have gone by then, cos I found you fast asleep on the sofa with half a cheese toastie on your lap.
Who in their right mind works till Somebody who for the first time in their life is actually enjoying their job.
Now, do you want some bacon or not? Yes! What's this?! Oh! Hang on.
I know this one! Don't tell me It's a razor! It's my razor.
And now you've clogged it all up with your silly stubbly face hair! I didn't have mine with me, did I? I'm in the office this morning.
Got to look professional.
There's only you and Lisa there! I bet she doesn't turn up with a full-on moustache.
You know I'm getting my portfolder pictures done this morning, what am I supposed to do about me legs? I don't know, you could always What have your legs got to do with anything? Why are they taking pictures of your legs? I thought this was all on the level? You're not the only one worried about looking professional.
I wanted to wear a skirt.
So, wear one, then.
You never know, you might get a job body-doubling for a Wookie.
Don't say words like that in front of Josh! It's the 20th century! We don't say things like that any more! No, Denise.
A Wookie's a Right.
Right.
Sorry.
I suppose I should leave the odd few bits here in your bathroom? For when I stay over? Yeah, I suppose you should.
Yeah! But it's a Saturday! Do NOT tell me it's Saturday again.
You've told me eight times already it's a Saturday.
It's not like you've never worked weekends, is it? Don't you point bacon at me.
It's just whilst we get up and running proper.
That's all.
Then it's back to nine till five.
Hello?! Hiya, Dad! All right, Bazza? Yeah, yeah, course.
What you doing? Calling him back.
It's expensive calling from Spain.
Yeah.
I know.
It's expensive TO Spain an' all! Come on.
We're better off than them.
They're only on a pension.
Oh, yeah - bet they're barely making ends meet over there in that rent-free Spanish villa.
You're in a right bloody mood this morning, you are! Where is he? Oh.
Hiya, Mum, yeah, I was just on with Dad, is he? Oh! Oh! Right.
He's gone for a number two.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we're fine.
Never better.
Yeah Yeah Morning, Dan.
You all right? Never better Apparently.
What do you think? They're good, them.
Should send them in to Blue Peter.
You might get a badge.
I'm picking colours.
For what? Lining your coffin? Don't be stupid Having a Viking burial, me.
These are potential colour schemes for the wedding.
"Potential colour schemes"? It's all in here.
Oh, God "Doilies - Paper or Fabric?" The eternal question.
What's happened to you? Colour schemes? Bridal magazines? Exactly who's gonna be carrying who over the threshold here? Rate you're going you might as well stick a ribbon in your hair and be done with it.
Here! You can say what you want about me, but I'm a man's man.
Always have been, always will be Now .
.
Autumn Nights or Summer Meadow? Everything all right? More than all right.
I miss you Well, don't you move! I've got 10,000 reasons for you to wait right there! It's Gerry.
I'd better go.
Yeah.
I'm glad you're happy.
Course.
You know where I am.
Bianca! What-a? I'm doing a campaign! I tell you what.
When you start washing and ironing your own clothes for once, I'll stop interfering in your "campaign".
Last computer game I played was Ms Pacman.
I used to really like her She had a little bow.
Nothing, just Bianca.
Who are you talking to? Ella, we're online.
Co-op.
Which one's Ella? The big black guy there.
Hello, Ella! Did she hear me? Yes, she heard you, she said hello.
All right, grumpy Joe! No need to snap! That man just blew up! Yeah! It's cool, isn't it? Blowing people up is never cool, Gary.
Ms Pacman never used to blow people up She just used to eat fruit.
Guess what? What? What's this? Beer.
Since I'm home all weekend whilst you're off playing Dragons' Den, I thought I'd better stock up.
Why don't you go and see Greg? He's off in Scotland, doing something or other - not back till tonight.
Go round your mum and dad's? I have got other mates, you know.
Yeah.
Course you have.
Now Guess what? Me dad's after coming home for a few days! Hey! And guess what? That wasn't the "what"? Of course that wasn't the "what".
Why would that be a "what"? I'm going out to fetch him! What?! Yes, you see? That's the "what"! It just hit me! I go out for a couple of days, top up me tan, see me mum - then bring him back with me! Three birds, one stone! And I've checked the flights, I can go tomorrow.
Tomorrow?! You don't mind, do you? Let me get this straight.
I don't see you evenings and weekends because of this big, new, exciting job you can't tear yourself away from for five minutes.
Next thing up pops a trip to Spain and you're on the next flight out! Well you can come too if you want.
Oh, can I? Oh, that's very good of you.
Actually, if you're gonna be like that, then no, you can't.
I can't anyway! You know I can't! I've got to see to Mrs Hadden's flapper valve - first thing Monday morning! Lucky Mrs Hadden.
Are you worried about taking care of yourself? Hey I can take care of myself quite well, thank you very much.
No, I was just gonna say why don't you go round Pauline's for your scran.
That's if, er, all your other mates are busy.
Morning, Dan! All right, Bianca.
Oh erm Lisa's not in.
She's gone to the office.
On a Saturday? On a Saturday.
Oh I was going to bake some cakes for the shelter, I thought she might like to give me a hand.
I would ask Gary but he's busy exploding people.
I'm sure she'll be gutted she's missed out.
Tanya! I don't suppose you fancy helping me bake some cakes for the shelter, do you? What's in it for me? I'm only kidding! I'd love to help, but its just well, my baking know-how is on par with my knowledge of particle physics.
She's saying she can't bake, Bianca.
Oh! Particle physics! Never mind, I'll give Lisa a try tomorrow.
Ah That might be a bit tricky, she's off away for a few days tomorrow.
Oh? Going to see her mum and dad.
In Spain? Yeah.
And you're not going? No.
Will you be all right? It'll be a struggle at first, but hopefully I'll get through.
What will you eat? Sorry! Who'd be a man, eh? Minute your missus leaves everyone assumes you're utterly helpless.
No, but they are.
I went into hospital a few years back for that thing with my you-know.
Remember? All Jim could cook was scrambled eggs.
I was in a week and that's all he ate, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
He lost near two stone.
All because of your you-know.
Exactly.
I'll be fine, Bianca.
I don't even like scrambled eggs.
Bless her, she's one in a million, isn't she, Bianca? Always fretting over someone.
I didn't dare tell her I was on my own too - she'd have offered to do us both a candlelit dinner or something.
Bradley's? Golfing weekend.
Right Not really on your own, though, are you? Still got Ella.
You're joking, aren't you? I shipped her off to her cousins the minute he left.
Bit of "me time" - can't wait.
I'm sure you're the same? Well So rare to get a chance to just do anything you want, isn't it? I'll see you later, Dan.
Is that what I look like from the side? I've never seen myself from the side before.
This must be what I look like when I'm sat on the bus It's £100 exactly, please.
Oh, I think the agency is paying.
Sorry? First Rate, who booked me in? They're a model agency.
I'm a model.
Oh, are you now? OK, well, your agency does not pay for the shots, I'm afraid.
Had the same problem with Elle Macpherson last week.
Did you? Oh, yeah.
OK, then.
What's she like? Elle Macpherson? Shorter than you'd think.
Oh.
No.
Absolutely not.
Oh! You are in! Yes.
I often am.
Good, well, you can talk some sense into your father then, he's only on about getting the band back together to play at the wedding.
What? Your band? They got wheelchair ramps at this venue, have they? Not just my band - all the bands we used to go on the road with.
Parsons Nose Rain Dogs Deep Purple You used to tour with Deep Purple? Oh, yeah.
They were good an' all.
Mind you, they had to change their name in the end, cos it turned out there was already a band called that.
Imagine it, all the old gang back together again - performing one last time.
Be like this generation's Woodstock.
This generation's Woodstock was Woodstock! Woodstock 2 - The Sequel! "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pub.
" You're not helping! Sorry, Mum.
I'll phone Stevie.
Get you a glass for that? No, ta.
Where's Lisa? Work? Yeah.
AGAIN.
And tomorrow she's only heading over to Spain for a few days.
Without you? Yeah.
What will you eat? Engaged.
Like us! Hey, Dan, Autumn Nights or Summer Meadow? "Colour Schemes" for the wedding, loony toons here thinks we should have this one.
And which one do you want? Any other bloody one.
Let Dan decide, that'll settle it.
Oh, no, no I'm not getting in the middle of your arguments.
Settle it yourselves.
Maybe we should play pool for it like we used to? Eh, Charlie? Pool! Remember, Dan? We'd have a big bust up, then sort it all out over a game of "pool" upstairs! Oh, God! While you watched Bagpuss! Yeah, yeah - you're both hilarious.
For your information, I knew what you were doing all along! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You did not! You were a right numb sod! finally clicked we didn't have a pool table! Erm What are you two actually doing here? We were just passing.
Yeah? Well Pass off.
Oh! Charming! What's that? I just brought some things over, you know, like I said.
Won't have to borrow your shaver any more.
How big's your razor? Well, I just chucked a few odds and sods in, you know.
Spare clothes, shower gel - MEN'S shower gel - that green minty stuff of yours makes my hair greasy.
Few towels, some CDs a toaster Are you moving in? Would that be so bad? Every night I go back to that bedsit No sooner have I closed the door than all I can think about is coming to see you and Josh Then ten minutes later I'm round here.
Every night for the past two weeks Has it been two weeks? And it's working, isn't it? It's not like before, is it? You can feel that too, can't you? You, me, our son.
It's right this time.
It's been nice.
Got to be worth us having a proper go of it.
Be a family.
Oh.
Is that a "yes"? Is that a "give it a try"? That's a "yes give it a try".
Oh, you will not regret this, Denise.
This is how it should always have been.
And hey, you'll be able to pack in all that modelling stuff now I'm here.
What? Well, once the business takes off I'll be earning more than enough for both of us.
You won't have to I'm not doing it for the money.
I'm doing it because I like it.
And because it's mine.
Something I enjoy just for myself.
I know, but modelling? It's all a bit Isn't it? I got me portfolder done today.
I was really pleased with them.
Do they look to you?! Oh, wow These look amazing.
Yeah? Just amazing Did the agency pay for all these, did it? Of course they paid for them! You think I'm some stupid flipping idiot or something? I never said that.
I know what you said.
You can move in.
But you're on a prohibition period, so if you want to keep going on about my modelling then you can keep up the rent on your bedsit too.
And the reason my minty green stuff made your hair greasy is cos it was aromatic foot lotion.
Now who's the idiot? I'm so sorry.
But with me going away I had to burn the oil for a bit, make sure we were up to speed with everything.
Couldn't even knock off early the last night before you leave.
It's three days, Dan! I'm not joining the Foreign Legion.
Anyway I'm here now though I could do with an early night.
Now, THAT sounds like a good idea.
Yeah, I'm exhausted And I've got to be up early.
You stopping down for a bit? Yeah.
Any problems, just call Uncle Terry.
What sort of problems would there be? I don't know.
And what would your Uncle Terry do about it? I don't know.
Three days?! It's just the bare essentials.
What sort of fridge magnet would you like? Oh, I dunno, a flamenco dancer or a donkey.
You know, something classy.
You behave yourself.
What's that supposed to mean? Are you gonna be all right? I'll be fine.
Have fun.
Love to Sue and Barry.
I'll call you when I land.
Up there! Up there! Behind you! GET IN! Morning.
Why don't you come into work with me later on? You can do some glass collecting, I'll give you some money.
I don't know how long this is gonna take.
I need ammo! If I didn't know better, I'd say this was less about the game .
.
and more about the person you're playing it with! Bianca! Sorry about that.
What's this? Getting broody an' all now, are you? Needn't think we're having a pet.
I hate pets.
Get away! You used to love Fluffy.
Fluffy was different.
Hardly anyone kept tarantulas back then.
My mother wouldn't set foot in the house the whole time you had him.
Yeah But we're not getting a pet now.
Hard enough time cleaning up after you.
Relax, I'm not after a pet - I'm looking for somewhere that does doves.
Doves? For the wedding.
Right! That's it! You've had your chance, now it's over.
From now on I'm arranging this wedding.
All of it.
You can't.
I have to.
Have to? Yeah.
Have to.
No.
And that's an end to it.
I'm sorting it now.
And we're not having doves! And we're not having bloody tarantulas neither! Hello? Hiya, Dan.
Oh, all right, Denise? Is Lisa there? No She's not here, she's gone over to Spain for a few days, to see her mum and dad.
Are you OK? What are you gonna eat? For fuck's Dan! Sorry, Denise, I didn't mean it.
Just everyone keeps on at me like I can't cope is all.
I'm not completely useless, you know? All right.
Look, I'd better clear the line, she's meant to be ringing me when she gets there.
I'll get her to give you a bell, OK? Bye then, Dan.
Cheers.
It's Dan.
Now then, mate.
Greg, PLEASE tell me you're thirsty.
Dog and Dart, 20 minutes? You're a life saver! I'm a life saver.
I know you are.
Balls! Roger! What? I just said "balls".
Hello, Charlie, how goes the wedding prep? Don't mention the W word.
Boss has banned all talk on it.
Well, that sounds healthy.
Have you been talking about the wedding? No.
Well, what have you talking about, then? Balls.
Love's young dream.
All right, Dad? Please yourself.
Mum.
Dan, can I do you a sandwich? No! I'm fine.
Thanks.
Good lad! I needed this! Oh, actually That's mine.
Hello, Dan.
Oh! Sorry, Tanya I didn't realise.
It's all right.
Chill out, I've only had a sip.
I can get another one.
No, here, it's fine.
I don't have germs, Dan.
What? Technically, you've kissed now.
Grow up.
Denise.
I've got news! You're not pregnant again? No, Fergus.
I'm not.
But nice to know you'd be so happy about it if I was.
No, no, I would be.
It's just I'm trying to So, basically, if I was pregnant, I'd have to wait till after the match, would I? Or half time? Fine.
Well, I won't bother telling you that was the agency on the phone.
Or that they've lined up a big new exciting gig! A modelling gig? Yeah! Tomorrow! What is it exactly? Oh I didn't ask.
Denise! What? It could be anything! You DO think I'm stupid! I don't think you're stupid Naive maybe.
That is just a posh word for stupid! You know, some boyfriends would actually be quite proud to be going out with a professional model and if you can't be then maybe this whole moving-in thing has been a bit preimmature! Oh, dragged yourself away from your precious "campaign", have you? That offer to collect glasses still open? Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah Fine.
Why don't you start over there? Oh, come on! That's below the belt.
Yeah, yeah - laugh it up.
I could just as easy tell her some stories about you, you know? Ooohh, yes please, tell me some dirty Dan secrets! Naaah, cos unlike HIM I wouldn't do that to a mate.
You mean you haven't got any.
Haven't I? Three words, Dan.
Birthday.
Drunk.
Pedal bin.
You wouldn't dare! Oh, tell me! And that's four words.
No, it's not.
Tell me! Whatever it is I bet I can beat it! Hey I'll make you suffer.
I can't.
I swore I'd take that one to the grave.
Oh, whatever.
I'll get it out of him.
I can be very persuasive.
I'll bet.
So what were you doing yesterday, then? Nothing.
Bit of business.
"Bit of business!" Very mysterious, Greg.
You're in the building trade, not the Northwest Mafia.
How do you know? Who's that, then? Don Corleone? I'd tell you But I'd have to kill you.
But I'd have to kill you.
Exactly.
See? This is fun, isn't it? All right, Gary? Have you spoken to Ella? I tried her earlier and couldn't get through.
Yeah.
Was talking to her before.
Spent two days helping her get into an armoured compound Not knowing she was leading me into a trap.
Second I walked in - BOOM! She blew me up with a cluster bomb.
Yeah She does that sort of thing.
Girls, eh? Come on, misery, out with it.
Dunno what you're talking about.
Don't you? Face got any longer it'd be in your pint.
Look, if it's bothering you that much then .
.
I'll let you have a colour scheme.
But I'm picking it.
Brown and Orange.
Brown and Orange?! What's wrong with that? We'll look like Jaffa Cakes.
And if you had your way we'd look like unicorns and ballerinas.
You're going to turn this thing into nowt more than a few mates and a knees-up, aren't you? Maybe that's all I want.
Well, maybe I want more.
Play you for it.
Eh? The right to arrange the wedding.
We'll play pool for it.
Pool? Actual pool! Not Although we could always nip out the back and er No, maybe not.
Actual pool it is.
Charlie you haven't beaten me at pool either version for 30 years.
Nowt to worry about, then, have you? Afraid I'm gonna have to fly.
Seriously? Yeah, you know Mafia business.
Yeah, right! I'll catch you later.
Nice seeing you again, Tanya.
Yes, and you.
Yeah, see you, mate.
Ask him about the time he got stuck in a revolving door for two hours.
It was 20 minutes tops! Looked like a piece of modern art.
I couldn't fix the motor.
Had to call the fire brigade.
Do you fancy another drink? Er Actually, I might head off too.
Why? Me mum and dad.
Oh, do you think they'll get the wrong idea with me and you sat together like this? No! Course not! No! But Mum's got a Jack Daniel's in one hand and a potentially deadly weapon in the other.
We do NOT wanna be here Why don't we go somewhere else? Come on! Er I dunno Oh, come on, Dan, one for the road.
We are off the leash, remember? Besides, you still owe me a story about a pedal bin.
Live a little! Dirty tactics, is it? With stakes this high, anything goes.
Does it now? Charlie! "Anything goes", you said.
We need a referee Roger.
Hello? You're adjudicating.
There's a lot riding on this.
Why? What are the stakes? Our marriage.
Fair enough.
Cheaper than a counsellor, I suppose.
Oh.
What's wrong? I've left my phone.
Where? Back at the pub? No.
At home.
That's all right, then.
Lisa was going to ring us when she got there.
Oh! If you don't answer the phone she might call the police! Oh, look! This'll do.
You're reffing the game, not my morals.
You what? Nothing.
Get on with it.
Who's winning? I haven't got a clue.
Never understood this game.
It's like snooker with numbers - makes no sense.
Every now and then they look at me and I say "free shot" or "two off" - seems to make them very happy.
Ahh! Free shot.
See? Here we are.
I didn't want to keep going to the bar.
And technically we are celebrating.
Are we? Uh-huh.
Celebrating what? A night off.
I bet you think I'm a proper sad case, don't you? I just don't get to do things like this very often, that's all.
Just be Tanya.
Not "Tanya and" Is there a difference? Of course there is! Tanya without the "and" won't end the night in some blazing row with someone over whatever stupid things she's said or done all evening.
Or will she? Not with me.
Good! Then consider yourself free to say incredibly stupid things too.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Where've you been? I just popped back to the bedsit to get some stuff.
Where are they, Fergus? Where are what? My photos! You've taken them! I know you don't approve of my modelling but if you think stealing away my photographs is gonna make any difference What's this? Well, you could open it and find out.
Oh! Couldn't have you taking your head-shots around in a tatty old envelope, could I? So, I thought I'd get a proper portfolio done for them.
It's called a portfolder.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Denise, I couldn't be prouder that my girlfriend is a professional model.
What man wouldn't be? I just worry, that's all.
What's wrong with that? Nothing.
Nothing's wrong with that.
Awwwwwwwww! You know I'll have to take that one out, though? What, you worried Calvin Klein's gonna see it and snap me up? Yeah.
That plus I need to make room for the one with me and the whip.
Ohhhh! I don't know why I'm telling you all of this.
See, that's what happens when you've got no-one to talk to about stuff.
All gets bottled up and then someone like you gets it all! I don't mind.
Please.
I bet you're just like me, aren't you? Hmm? Everybody needs to unload every now and again - so come on! Come on, it's your turn! Get it off your chest.
A one-night offer! The perfect life, eh? Does anybody have the perfect life? Yeah.
I think they do I think I did once.
A long time ago and a nervous breakdown ago What? You're serious? About the breakdown? Yeah.
About the perfect life? Mmm I don't know, maybe It's only when you look back you realise, though, isn't it? We used to fight all the time, me and Bradley - when we first got together.
And we still do.
But the fights are different now You know, there's something missing from them.
Does that make sense? Actually, yeah.
You know the worst ones when I used to go thieving! It was part of the "breakdown".
We fought then all right We had great big epic nuclear rows that went on all night.
And the funny thing is, despite that - I sort of liked it Cos you only do that if you properly care, don't you? I suppose you do.
And so I look back and I think Yeah We were perfect, then.
I'm bonkers, aren't I? No.
No, you're not.
So, is Pauline about to win? I'm afraid so, Bianca.
Charlie! I hope you're not a sore loser.
Oh, I'm a very sore loser, Bianca But I'm also a man of honour.
Ha! So if she wins.
The whole wedding is hers to arrange.
Is that what this is about?! Did you know that's what this is about? I am just trying to think Um No? It's all right, Bianca.
Fair's fair.
I suppose the only reason I wanted to do it meself was it was sort of me last chance to really say sorry.
Oh, for fuck's sake! We are NOT having fucking doves! All right?! Well, I can't face a walk - I shall get them to order us a taxi.
You can if you like.
I'm going nowhere.
Don't see why I can't treat myself to a deluxe over-nighter with a hot spa in the morning.
All courtesy of Bradley, of course.
Erm, you said your thieving days were over! Ahhhh, this isn't thieving! It's not like I'm gonna get away with it Bradley always checks his bloody statements! So, in a way it's all right.
Maybe he should treat you too! I reckon two rooms on his statement might be a bit harder to explain.
Yeah.
Two might You shouldn't say things like that.
Why? Because I might take you seriously.
I do hope not, Dan.
Because I'm not done being stupid yet.
Are you? Where's my money? I just want my pound what was there.
Well, something's up.
You're as white as a sheet, man It's Tanya.
You've not, have you? Who were you with?! No-one.
Stay away from me! Leave us alone.
My Dad's just called.
Gerry's been shot.
What's in there? The stuff I never passed Gerry.
I just need time to think.
It's not the same round here any more.
It is.
We call you every day on the laptop telly, don't we? I need to talk to you, Lisa.
Maybe we don't need a massive big place after all? Maybe there's nothing wrong with a few tables at the Central.
Dan wants kids? Too right.
What about you? I want this Fergus.
I want the empire.
You're stuck in on your own You can always shout me up.
We've got something, you and me.
We always have had something.
I didn't mean it like that.
That was Wham, Dan.
Hey, Wham, Dan, thank you, ma'am! Boom! What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you, mardy-face? Do you want some bacon? It's 8:30! On a SATURDAY.
I know! and I haven't got a hangover! Things sure have changed here on Walton's Mountain.
For you maybe.
Some of us have kept it traditional.
So I see.
Drinking on your own, were we? Bit tragic, isn't it? How do you know I was on my own? Might have had Little Mix round here for all you'd have known.
What time did you get back anyway? Little Mix must have gone by then, cos I found you fast asleep on the sofa with half a cheese toastie on your lap.
Who in their right mind works till Somebody who for the first time in their life is actually enjoying their job.
Now, do you want some bacon or not? Yes! What's this?! Oh! Hang on.
I know this one! Don't tell me It's a razor! It's my razor.
And now you've clogged it all up with your silly stubbly face hair! I didn't have mine with me, did I? I'm in the office this morning.
Got to look professional.
There's only you and Lisa there! I bet she doesn't turn up with a full-on moustache.
You know I'm getting my portfolder pictures done this morning, what am I supposed to do about me legs? I don't know, you could always What have your legs got to do with anything? Why are they taking pictures of your legs? I thought this was all on the level? You're not the only one worried about looking professional.
I wanted to wear a skirt.
So, wear one, then.
You never know, you might get a job body-doubling for a Wookie.
Don't say words like that in front of Josh! It's the 20th century! We don't say things like that any more! No, Denise.
A Wookie's a Right.
Right.
Sorry.
I suppose I should leave the odd few bits here in your bathroom? For when I stay over? Yeah, I suppose you should.
Yeah! But it's a Saturday! Do NOT tell me it's Saturday again.
You've told me eight times already it's a Saturday.
It's not like you've never worked weekends, is it? Don't you point bacon at me.
It's just whilst we get up and running proper.
That's all.
Then it's back to nine till five.
Hello?! Hiya, Dad! All right, Bazza? Yeah, yeah, course.
What you doing? Calling him back.
It's expensive calling from Spain.
Yeah.
I know.
It's expensive TO Spain an' all! Come on.
We're better off than them.
They're only on a pension.
Oh, yeah - bet they're barely making ends meet over there in that rent-free Spanish villa.
You're in a right bloody mood this morning, you are! Where is he? Oh.
Hiya, Mum, yeah, I was just on with Dad, is he? Oh! Oh! Right.
He's gone for a number two.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, we're fine.
Never better.
Yeah Yeah Morning, Dan.
You all right? Never better Apparently.
What do you think? They're good, them.
Should send them in to Blue Peter.
You might get a badge.
I'm picking colours.
For what? Lining your coffin? Don't be stupid Having a Viking burial, me.
These are potential colour schemes for the wedding.
"Potential colour schemes"? It's all in here.
Oh, God "Doilies - Paper or Fabric?" The eternal question.
What's happened to you? Colour schemes? Bridal magazines? Exactly who's gonna be carrying who over the threshold here? Rate you're going you might as well stick a ribbon in your hair and be done with it.
Here! You can say what you want about me, but I'm a man's man.
Always have been, always will be Now .
.
Autumn Nights or Summer Meadow? Everything all right? More than all right.
I miss you Well, don't you move! I've got 10,000 reasons for you to wait right there! It's Gerry.
I'd better go.
Yeah.
I'm glad you're happy.
Course.
You know where I am.
Bianca! What-a? I'm doing a campaign! I tell you what.
When you start washing and ironing your own clothes for once, I'll stop interfering in your "campaign".
Last computer game I played was Ms Pacman.
I used to really like her She had a little bow.
Nothing, just Bianca.
Who are you talking to? Ella, we're online.
Co-op.
Which one's Ella? The big black guy there.
Hello, Ella! Did she hear me? Yes, she heard you, she said hello.
All right, grumpy Joe! No need to snap! That man just blew up! Yeah! It's cool, isn't it? Blowing people up is never cool, Gary.
Ms Pacman never used to blow people up She just used to eat fruit.
Guess what? What? What's this? Beer.
Since I'm home all weekend whilst you're off playing Dragons' Den, I thought I'd better stock up.
Why don't you go and see Greg? He's off in Scotland, doing something or other - not back till tonight.
Go round your mum and dad's? I have got other mates, you know.
Yeah.
Course you have.
Now Guess what? Me dad's after coming home for a few days! Hey! And guess what? That wasn't the "what"? Of course that wasn't the "what".
Why would that be a "what"? I'm going out to fetch him! What?! Yes, you see? That's the "what"! It just hit me! I go out for a couple of days, top up me tan, see me mum - then bring him back with me! Three birds, one stone! And I've checked the flights, I can go tomorrow.
Tomorrow?! You don't mind, do you? Let me get this straight.
I don't see you evenings and weekends because of this big, new, exciting job you can't tear yourself away from for five minutes.
Next thing up pops a trip to Spain and you're on the next flight out! Well you can come too if you want.
Oh, can I? Oh, that's very good of you.
Actually, if you're gonna be like that, then no, you can't.
I can't anyway! You know I can't! I've got to see to Mrs Hadden's flapper valve - first thing Monday morning! Lucky Mrs Hadden.
Are you worried about taking care of yourself? Hey I can take care of myself quite well, thank you very much.
No, I was just gonna say why don't you go round Pauline's for your scran.
That's if, er, all your other mates are busy.
Morning, Dan! All right, Bianca.
Oh erm Lisa's not in.
She's gone to the office.
On a Saturday? On a Saturday.
Oh I was going to bake some cakes for the shelter, I thought she might like to give me a hand.
I would ask Gary but he's busy exploding people.
I'm sure she'll be gutted she's missed out.
Tanya! I don't suppose you fancy helping me bake some cakes for the shelter, do you? What's in it for me? I'm only kidding! I'd love to help, but its just well, my baking know-how is on par with my knowledge of particle physics.
She's saying she can't bake, Bianca.
Oh! Particle physics! Never mind, I'll give Lisa a try tomorrow.
Ah That might be a bit tricky, she's off away for a few days tomorrow.
Oh? Going to see her mum and dad.
In Spain? Yeah.
And you're not going? No.
Will you be all right? It'll be a struggle at first, but hopefully I'll get through.
What will you eat? Sorry! Who'd be a man, eh? Minute your missus leaves everyone assumes you're utterly helpless.
No, but they are.
I went into hospital a few years back for that thing with my you-know.
Remember? All Jim could cook was scrambled eggs.
I was in a week and that's all he ate, breakfast, lunch and dinner.
He lost near two stone.
All because of your you-know.
Exactly.
I'll be fine, Bianca.
I don't even like scrambled eggs.
Bless her, she's one in a million, isn't she, Bianca? Always fretting over someone.
I didn't dare tell her I was on my own too - she'd have offered to do us both a candlelit dinner or something.
Bradley's? Golfing weekend.
Right Not really on your own, though, are you? Still got Ella.
You're joking, aren't you? I shipped her off to her cousins the minute he left.
Bit of "me time" - can't wait.
I'm sure you're the same? Well So rare to get a chance to just do anything you want, isn't it? I'll see you later, Dan.
Is that what I look like from the side? I've never seen myself from the side before.
This must be what I look like when I'm sat on the bus It's £100 exactly, please.
Oh, I think the agency is paying.
Sorry? First Rate, who booked me in? They're a model agency.
I'm a model.
Oh, are you now? OK, well, your agency does not pay for the shots, I'm afraid.
Had the same problem with Elle Macpherson last week.
Did you? Oh, yeah.
OK, then.
What's she like? Elle Macpherson? Shorter than you'd think.
Oh.
No.
Absolutely not.
Oh! You are in! Yes.
I often am.
Good, well, you can talk some sense into your father then, he's only on about getting the band back together to play at the wedding.
What? Your band? They got wheelchair ramps at this venue, have they? Not just my band - all the bands we used to go on the road with.
Parsons Nose Rain Dogs Deep Purple You used to tour with Deep Purple? Oh, yeah.
They were good an' all.
Mind you, they had to change their name in the end, cos it turned out there was already a band called that.
Imagine it, all the old gang back together again - performing one last time.
Be like this generation's Woodstock.
This generation's Woodstock was Woodstock! Woodstock 2 - The Sequel! "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the pub.
" You're not helping! Sorry, Mum.
I'll phone Stevie.
Get you a glass for that? No, ta.
Where's Lisa? Work? Yeah.
AGAIN.
And tomorrow she's only heading over to Spain for a few days.
Without you? Yeah.
What will you eat? Engaged.
Like us! Hey, Dan, Autumn Nights or Summer Meadow? "Colour Schemes" for the wedding, loony toons here thinks we should have this one.
And which one do you want? Any other bloody one.
Let Dan decide, that'll settle it.
Oh, no, no I'm not getting in the middle of your arguments.
Settle it yourselves.
Maybe we should play pool for it like we used to? Eh, Charlie? Pool! Remember, Dan? We'd have a big bust up, then sort it all out over a game of "pool" upstairs! Oh, God! While you watched Bagpuss! Yeah, yeah - you're both hilarious.
For your information, I knew what you were doing all along! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You did not! You were a right numb sod! finally clicked we didn't have a pool table! Erm What are you two actually doing here? We were just passing.
Yeah? Well Pass off.
Oh! Charming! What's that? I just brought some things over, you know, like I said.
Won't have to borrow your shaver any more.
How big's your razor? Well, I just chucked a few odds and sods in, you know.
Spare clothes, shower gel - MEN'S shower gel - that green minty stuff of yours makes my hair greasy.
Few towels, some CDs a toaster Are you moving in? Would that be so bad? Every night I go back to that bedsit No sooner have I closed the door than all I can think about is coming to see you and Josh Then ten minutes later I'm round here.
Every night for the past two weeks Has it been two weeks? And it's working, isn't it? It's not like before, is it? You can feel that too, can't you? You, me, our son.
It's right this time.
It's been nice.
Got to be worth us having a proper go of it.
Be a family.
Oh.
Is that a "yes"? Is that a "give it a try"? That's a "yes give it a try".
Oh, you will not regret this, Denise.
This is how it should always have been.
And hey, you'll be able to pack in all that modelling stuff now I'm here.
What? Well, once the business takes off I'll be earning more than enough for both of us.
You won't have to I'm not doing it for the money.
I'm doing it because I like it.
And because it's mine.
Something I enjoy just for myself.
I know, but modelling? It's all a bit Isn't it? I got me portfolder done today.
I was really pleased with them.
Do they look to you?! Oh, wow These look amazing.
Yeah? Just amazing Did the agency pay for all these, did it? Of course they paid for them! You think I'm some stupid flipping idiot or something? I never said that.
I know what you said.
You can move in.
But you're on a prohibition period, so if you want to keep going on about my modelling then you can keep up the rent on your bedsit too.
And the reason my minty green stuff made your hair greasy is cos it was aromatic foot lotion.
Now who's the idiot? I'm so sorry.
But with me going away I had to burn the oil for a bit, make sure we were up to speed with everything.
Couldn't even knock off early the last night before you leave.
It's three days, Dan! I'm not joining the Foreign Legion.
Anyway I'm here now though I could do with an early night.
Now, THAT sounds like a good idea.
Yeah, I'm exhausted And I've got to be up early.
You stopping down for a bit? Yeah.
Any problems, just call Uncle Terry.
What sort of problems would there be? I don't know.
And what would your Uncle Terry do about it? I don't know.
Three days?! It's just the bare essentials.
What sort of fridge magnet would you like? Oh, I dunno, a flamenco dancer or a donkey.
You know, something classy.
You behave yourself.
What's that supposed to mean? Are you gonna be all right? I'll be fine.
Have fun.
Love to Sue and Barry.
I'll call you when I land.
Up there! Up there! Behind you! GET IN! Morning.
Why don't you come into work with me later on? You can do some glass collecting, I'll give you some money.
I don't know how long this is gonna take.
I need ammo! If I didn't know better, I'd say this was less about the game .
.
and more about the person you're playing it with! Bianca! Sorry about that.
What's this? Getting broody an' all now, are you? Needn't think we're having a pet.
I hate pets.
Get away! You used to love Fluffy.
Fluffy was different.
Hardly anyone kept tarantulas back then.
My mother wouldn't set foot in the house the whole time you had him.
Yeah But we're not getting a pet now.
Hard enough time cleaning up after you.
Relax, I'm not after a pet - I'm looking for somewhere that does doves.
Doves? For the wedding.
Right! That's it! You've had your chance, now it's over.
From now on I'm arranging this wedding.
All of it.
You can't.
I have to.
Have to? Yeah.
Have to.
No.
And that's an end to it.
I'm sorting it now.
And we're not having doves! And we're not having bloody tarantulas neither! Hello? Hiya, Dan.
Oh, all right, Denise? Is Lisa there? No She's not here, she's gone over to Spain for a few days, to see her mum and dad.
Are you OK? What are you gonna eat? For fuck's Dan! Sorry, Denise, I didn't mean it.
Just everyone keeps on at me like I can't cope is all.
I'm not completely useless, you know? All right.
Look, I'd better clear the line, she's meant to be ringing me when she gets there.
I'll get her to give you a bell, OK? Bye then, Dan.
Cheers.
It's Dan.
Now then, mate.
Greg, PLEASE tell me you're thirsty.
Dog and Dart, 20 minutes? You're a life saver! I'm a life saver.
I know you are.
Balls! Roger! What? I just said "balls".
Hello, Charlie, how goes the wedding prep? Don't mention the W word.
Boss has banned all talk on it.
Well, that sounds healthy.
Have you been talking about the wedding? No.
Well, what have you talking about, then? Balls.
Love's young dream.
All right, Dad? Please yourself.
Mum.
Dan, can I do you a sandwich? No! I'm fine.
Thanks.
Good lad! I needed this! Oh, actually That's mine.
Hello, Dan.
Oh! Sorry, Tanya I didn't realise.
It's all right.
Chill out, I've only had a sip.
I can get another one.
No, here, it's fine.
I don't have germs, Dan.
What? Technically, you've kissed now.
Grow up.
Denise.
I've got news! You're not pregnant again? No, Fergus.
I'm not.
But nice to know you'd be so happy about it if I was.
No, no, I would be.
It's just I'm trying to So, basically, if I was pregnant, I'd have to wait till after the match, would I? Or half time? Fine.
Well, I won't bother telling you that was the agency on the phone.
Or that they've lined up a big new exciting gig! A modelling gig? Yeah! Tomorrow! What is it exactly? Oh I didn't ask.
Denise! What? It could be anything! You DO think I'm stupid! I don't think you're stupid Naive maybe.
That is just a posh word for stupid! You know, some boyfriends would actually be quite proud to be going out with a professional model and if you can't be then maybe this whole moving-in thing has been a bit preimmature! Oh, dragged yourself away from your precious "campaign", have you? That offer to collect glasses still open? Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah Fine.
Why don't you start over there? Oh, come on! That's below the belt.
Yeah, yeah - laugh it up.
I could just as easy tell her some stories about you, you know? Ooohh, yes please, tell me some dirty Dan secrets! Naaah, cos unlike HIM I wouldn't do that to a mate.
You mean you haven't got any.
Haven't I? Three words, Dan.
Birthday.
Drunk.
Pedal bin.
You wouldn't dare! Oh, tell me! And that's four words.
No, it's not.
Tell me! Whatever it is I bet I can beat it! Hey I'll make you suffer.
I can't.
I swore I'd take that one to the grave.
Oh, whatever.
I'll get it out of him.
I can be very persuasive.
I'll bet.
So what were you doing yesterday, then? Nothing.
Bit of business.
"Bit of business!" Very mysterious, Greg.
You're in the building trade, not the Northwest Mafia.
How do you know? Who's that, then? Don Corleone? I'd tell you But I'd have to kill you.
But I'd have to kill you.
Exactly.
See? This is fun, isn't it? All right, Gary? Have you spoken to Ella? I tried her earlier and couldn't get through.
Yeah.
Was talking to her before.
Spent two days helping her get into an armoured compound Not knowing she was leading me into a trap.
Second I walked in - BOOM! She blew me up with a cluster bomb.
Yeah She does that sort of thing.
Girls, eh? Come on, misery, out with it.
Dunno what you're talking about.
Don't you? Face got any longer it'd be in your pint.
Look, if it's bothering you that much then .
.
I'll let you have a colour scheme.
But I'm picking it.
Brown and Orange.
Brown and Orange?! What's wrong with that? We'll look like Jaffa Cakes.
And if you had your way we'd look like unicorns and ballerinas.
You're going to turn this thing into nowt more than a few mates and a knees-up, aren't you? Maybe that's all I want.
Well, maybe I want more.
Play you for it.
Eh? The right to arrange the wedding.
We'll play pool for it.
Pool? Actual pool! Not Although we could always nip out the back and er No, maybe not.
Actual pool it is.
Charlie you haven't beaten me at pool either version for 30 years.
Nowt to worry about, then, have you? Afraid I'm gonna have to fly.
Seriously? Yeah, you know Mafia business.
Yeah, right! I'll catch you later.
Nice seeing you again, Tanya.
Yes, and you.
Yeah, see you, mate.
Ask him about the time he got stuck in a revolving door for two hours.
It was 20 minutes tops! Looked like a piece of modern art.
I couldn't fix the motor.
Had to call the fire brigade.
Do you fancy another drink? Er Actually, I might head off too.
Why? Me mum and dad.
Oh, do you think they'll get the wrong idea with me and you sat together like this? No! Course not! No! But Mum's got a Jack Daniel's in one hand and a potentially deadly weapon in the other.
We do NOT wanna be here Why don't we go somewhere else? Come on! Er I dunno Oh, come on, Dan, one for the road.
We are off the leash, remember? Besides, you still owe me a story about a pedal bin.
Live a little! Dirty tactics, is it? With stakes this high, anything goes.
Does it now? Charlie! "Anything goes", you said.
We need a referee Roger.
Hello? You're adjudicating.
There's a lot riding on this.
Why? What are the stakes? Our marriage.
Fair enough.
Cheaper than a counsellor, I suppose.
Oh.
What's wrong? I've left my phone.
Where? Back at the pub? No.
At home.
That's all right, then.
Lisa was going to ring us when she got there.
Oh! If you don't answer the phone she might call the police! Oh, look! This'll do.
You're reffing the game, not my morals.
You what? Nothing.
Get on with it.
Who's winning? I haven't got a clue.
Never understood this game.
It's like snooker with numbers - makes no sense.
Every now and then they look at me and I say "free shot" or "two off" - seems to make them very happy.
Ahh! Free shot.
See? Here we are.
I didn't want to keep going to the bar.
And technically we are celebrating.
Are we? Uh-huh.
Celebrating what? A night off.
I bet you think I'm a proper sad case, don't you? I just don't get to do things like this very often, that's all.
Just be Tanya.
Not "Tanya and" Is there a difference? Of course there is! Tanya without the "and" won't end the night in some blazing row with someone over whatever stupid things she's said or done all evening.
Or will she? Not with me.
Good! Then consider yourself free to say incredibly stupid things too.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Where've you been? I just popped back to the bedsit to get some stuff.
Where are they, Fergus? Where are what? My photos! You've taken them! I know you don't approve of my modelling but if you think stealing away my photographs is gonna make any difference What's this? Well, you could open it and find out.
Oh! Couldn't have you taking your head-shots around in a tatty old envelope, could I? So, I thought I'd get a proper portfolio done for them.
It's called a portfolder.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I meant.
Denise, I couldn't be prouder that my girlfriend is a professional model.
What man wouldn't be? I just worry, that's all.
What's wrong with that? Nothing.
Nothing's wrong with that.
Awwwwwwwww! You know I'll have to take that one out, though? What, you worried Calvin Klein's gonna see it and snap me up? Yeah.
That plus I need to make room for the one with me and the whip.
Ohhhh! I don't know why I'm telling you all of this.
See, that's what happens when you've got no-one to talk to about stuff.
All gets bottled up and then someone like you gets it all! I don't mind.
Please.
I bet you're just like me, aren't you? Hmm? Everybody needs to unload every now and again - so come on! Come on, it's your turn! Get it off your chest.
A one-night offer! The perfect life, eh? Does anybody have the perfect life? Yeah.
I think they do I think I did once.
A long time ago and a nervous breakdown ago What? You're serious? About the breakdown? Yeah.
About the perfect life? Mmm I don't know, maybe It's only when you look back you realise, though, isn't it? We used to fight all the time, me and Bradley - when we first got together.
And we still do.
But the fights are different now You know, there's something missing from them.
Does that make sense? Actually, yeah.
You know the worst ones when I used to go thieving! It was part of the "breakdown".
We fought then all right We had great big epic nuclear rows that went on all night.
And the funny thing is, despite that - I sort of liked it Cos you only do that if you properly care, don't you? I suppose you do.
And so I look back and I think Yeah We were perfect, then.
I'm bonkers, aren't I? No.
No, you're not.
So, is Pauline about to win? I'm afraid so, Bianca.
Charlie! I hope you're not a sore loser.
Oh, I'm a very sore loser, Bianca But I'm also a man of honour.
Ha! So if she wins.
The whole wedding is hers to arrange.
Is that what this is about?! Did you know that's what this is about? I am just trying to think Um No? It's all right, Bianca.
Fair's fair.
I suppose the only reason I wanted to do it meself was it was sort of me last chance to really say sorry.
Oh, for fuck's sake! We are NOT having fucking doves! All right?! Well, I can't face a walk - I shall get them to order us a taxi.
You can if you like.
I'm going nowhere.
Don't see why I can't treat myself to a deluxe over-nighter with a hot spa in the morning.
All courtesy of Bradley, of course.
Erm, you said your thieving days were over! Ahhhh, this isn't thieving! It's not like I'm gonna get away with it Bradley always checks his bloody statements! So, in a way it's all right.
Maybe he should treat you too! I reckon two rooms on his statement might be a bit harder to explain.
Yeah.
Two might You shouldn't say things like that.
Why? Because I might take you seriously.
I do hope not, Dan.
Because I'm not done being stupid yet.
Are you? Where's my money? I just want my pound what was there.
Well, something's up.
You're as white as a sheet, man It's Tanya.
You've not, have you? Who were you with?! No-one.
Stay away from me! Leave us alone.
My Dad's just called.
Gerry's been shot.
What's in there? The stuff I never passed Gerry.
I just need time to think.
It's not the same round here any more.
It is.
We call you every day on the laptop telly, don't we? I need to talk to you, Lisa.