Mum (2016) s03e04 Episode Script

- P for Pauline, obviously.
- Yeah.
D for Derek.
- Then a one.
- His personalised number plate.
Oh, yeah.
And a one, because she's the first thing I think of in the morning.
Then a six.
That's how many times I tell her I love her every night.
Then H, T, W cos that's all they had.
- Nice.
- Night.
- Night, Mum.
- Night, Cath.
Yeah.
What I like about it is, people see it and think, "Wow! "He's got a personalised number plate.
"What great guy.
" - Lovely meal, wasn't it? - Yes.
No, it was fantastic, yes.
Can I borrow another Take the packet.
- Night.
- Mm-hm.
- What did you have? - The ribs.
- Oh, yeah, cos you - Yeah.
- got it all over your face.
- Yeah.
Come on.
Michael.
Get that down ya.
- Thanks.
- No, thank you for paying for everyone's meals.
Well I'm Michael! - You don't mind, do you, mate? - No, of course not.
I'm going to show off how much money I inherited by paying for everyone's meal.
How much money you inherited! It's so dark! - Do your stuff about his clothes.
- Oh, yeah.
I think I'm just tired.
After our fun-packed day in Canterbury.
- Yeah.
- Walking round the cathedral a hundred million times.
Listening to that yucky tour guide going on and on about old stuff.
What a fascinating day.
Yeah.
What do you think about it when Jason does impressions of Michael? He's just being funny, I think.
You haven't really spoken to Michael today, have you? Are you going to get out of my bed, love? Yes! Sorry, I'm fundamentally exhausted.
I think I left my wallet in the "I left my wallet in the car!" That was a good night, wasn't it? Nice of Michael to pay.
How was your Mediterranean mezze platter? You're going to have to have sex with me.
- Now? - Yes.
But I've had a big dinner.
You're going to have to do it.
There's no other way.
Can I do a poo first? Whatever.
If I knew this was going to happen, I wouldn't have had the cheese board.
Why do you have to moan all the time? It's not my fault there's always something wrong.
Well, find something nice to say, or don't say anything! - Your hair looks fantastic.
- Oh, here we go.
I'm finding something nice to say! Ha! Oh, darling, your nightie Is it new? You can make me want to puke, ya creepy bastard! Oh, I just adore the sound of your snoring.
Stop it! It's revolting! Oh, please, Maureen.
Please snore tonight.
I should hate to get a good night's sleep.
Drinking on your own? Yep.
Classy.
Always.
Jason's in there.
Just going to get some more water, the ribs were quite salty.
Oh, God, yeah.
The burger was bad enough, so the ribs must've been really salty.
Jason's impression of me was funny.
- Yeah.
- While I was paying.
Yeah.
He's been doing some more.
I know.
- Thought you'd gone to bed.
- I was just going.
- Night, then.
- Night.
Sweet dreams.
- Another beer, mate? - I can get it.
Night, then, Michael.
- Goodnight.
- Sweet dreams.
- Don't you dare! - I had the ribs.
- You all right, love? - Yeah.
Fantastic, yeah.
- Night.
- Night.
Sweet dreams.
You OK? Pauline wants to have sex with me.
I'm sorry to hear that.
I've had the cheese board.
- Have you told her? - The first thing I said.
Women.
They have no concept of the level of nuance that a man has to apply himself to.
The strategy, the creativity the perseverance.
Oh, it's easy for a woman.
All she's got to do is take her bra off and her work's half done.
And the thing is, you can't get away from the fact I just had a chowder.
I've had an entire rack of ribs and triple-cooked chips.
I've had Kelly's creme brulee and a cheese board.
Don't forget the chutneys, the crackers.
Right, then, lads.
Where have you gone away to? Coming! What? I'm just thinking aboutthe carpet.
So am I.
I love thinking about carpets.
I'm worried you're going to set off the smoke alarm.
And Maureen's in there, and Kelly's just gone to bed.
Oh, pregnant women.
Please.
Do I want to touch your bump? Of course I don't want to touch your bump, you fucking elephant.
I would like to be someone else, Cathy.
Just for ten seconds.
Don't care who.
Just ten peaceful seconds of my life where I don't have to be me.
I'm worried you're going to set off the smoke alarm.
I love setting off smoke alarms.
It's pretty much my favourite thing.
I'd have happily taken down her order.
You know what I mean? - The waitress.
- Oh, yeah.
I'd have shown her my specials board.
I'd have very happily given her three courses.
Michael, what did you think about her? Oh, she was 18, mate.
She seemed a nice enough girl.
Yeah, really nice.
That's it, Jason! Well done, lad.
Come on, Michael, be funny.
Say something horrible about the waitress.
Well I guess, if she'd asked me for it I might have given her a side order of veg.
Yeah.
OK.
That's funny.
I'm going to get some air.
Yeah.
- You having fun? - Yeah.
Just slowly killing myself.
There's all kinds of banter going on in there, so Oh, God.
Pull up a swing.
- You sure? - Yeah.
They expect me to join in the banter, but I never know what to say, and they all start looking at me and I get nervous, and I say something stupid.
Always ends in disaster.
Oh! - You all right on there? - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Really comfortable.
It's lovely.
Must be hard for you, with Jason.
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's all good.
All good.
I think I am gonnae fall off this thing.
Yeah, I've not had a had a go at this yet.
Probably break it with my silly body.
- I think Derek - It's OK if you're finding this hard.
I am.
We should run off into the woods together.
We could disappear, just the two of us.
You know, you don't have to say these things if you don't mean them.
No, I mean, I don't want you feeling you have to see these things for my sake and then feel bad if No, it's just You said yesterday you thought it was better when were just friends.
Easier.
Easier, was it? All I meant when I said what I said was, if that's what you've been thinking about, about just being friends, then that's fine.
You need to do what you want and not be tied down to anything maybe rash, you said to me.
Or if That new thing we did the other night was just a one-off and you wanted things to go back to the way they were Michael No, if you're not feeling what we did that night was wrong, or Do you think it was wrong? Michael? I'm off to bed.
How could it be wrong? It was the most perfect thing.
Michael, mate, I'm getting cold.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, mate.
Is that you, Cath? - Yeah.
- I was just having a go on the swings.
- The swings? - Yeah.
Well, that's annoying.
You didn't come on with me.
Yeah, well, I've been regretting that, so - Thought I'd have a go.
- You stepped out without telling me - and thought you'd have a go on the swings? - Yeah.
Can't believe I'm hearing this! They do their teeth before bed.
They do their teeth twice a day! Fucking do-gooders.
I mean, what are they eating? How dirty do their teeth get? - Night, love.
- Night.
Where have you been? This is a man who had hundreds of thousands marching for him in the streets of Berlin.
And then, there were two.
The stars are amazing around here, aren't they? Yeah, it's going to be quite a party on Saturday.
Why'd you pay for everyone's dinners? OK.
Em No reason.
Em I think I thought it would just be a nice thing to do.
- It's Derek's birthday - His birthday isn't till Saturday.
OK.
You used to be a really nice guy.
Thanks.
You did.
You keep yourself to yourself.
You kind of knew your place and sort of like I used to say to people, "He's a good bloke, Michael.
"He knows his place.
" But actually what's happened now, mate, is you've really let yourself down.
You have.
You're better than this.
I mean, your behaviour at times Trying to worm your way in.
I see you with my mum.
The way you manipulate her.
She's a widow.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I'm gonnae go to bed.
So You OK to lock the house up? I'm not locking up, you can lock it up yourself.
Jason? Can we keep the noise down? Sorry.
Sorry, Derek.
Just try to concentrate on something in here.
Sorry.
- Night, then.
- Did you enjoy your meal tonight? Yeah, it was nice.
What did you order? - Derek! - Oh.
Sorry, love.
- Night.
- Night.
Sorry, just dealing with bloody Kelly.
No, you weren't.
You were stringing the conversation out.
How was I stringing the conversation out? - Yeah? - It's me.
Oh, come in, love.
- Were you asleep? - No, just reading or trying to.
You OK? You know, it's hard being a man.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Why's that, love? You got to be the strong one, haven't you? And stand up to people and look after women and stuff.
Even if inside, you're a bit, sort of a bit wobbly.
Are you feeling wobbly? Erm a little bit, yeah.
What makes you think women need looking after? Well, it's what men do, isn't it? And I'm a feminist, so it's important to me that women get, like, pampered and made to feel nice and stuff.
And also, because Dad said when was you know, the he said I have to look after you.
Your dad was a very traditional man, love.
He was kind, like you and happy, like you.
And it's because he had the gift, like you have.
To see the world without too many complications, which is a wonderful gift to have.
And that's what made him such a fun person to be around.
And what makes you such a fun person.
But he was a bit less sensitive than you, wasn't he? He just said things sometimes.
Wasn't really a thinker.
He was good at crosswords.
He was, yeah.
I don't need looking after, love.
I think you do.
I don't.
I think you do.
Women don't need men to look after them.
People just need other people to, sort of, think about their feelings.
- You can cry.
- No, I don't let myself cry about Dad.
Why is that? Because if I cry about him, or if I let it get to me and stuff, then that means that I've just given up or just, like, rolled over and taken it.
And, like, basically accepted it that he's gone.
But he is gone.
He's gone, love.
He isn't coming back.
It's unbearable, I know.
I just don't know why it still hurts so much, it's stupid.
It isn't stupid.
- I don't know what's wrong with me.
- It's always going to hurt, love.
The pain's never going to go away.
Some days, it will feel like you're standing right next to it.
And some days, it will feel as if it's a mile off.
But it's always going to be there.
But the thing is, Mum, what you don't understand, is that when you're a man, you're not supposed to give in to these things.
No? No.
You fight them.
If I'm going to spend 12 quid on a burger, I expect it to fit in my mouth.
If I spend 12 quid on a burger, I expect it to fit in my mouth! Too much lettuce! But you need the crunch.
You wouldn't understand.
The whole thing's a calamity.
Derek was saying him and Pauline are going to be making love.
Bit chilly tonight.
We should probably try and keep warm.
Oh No wonder I couldn't hear the bloody thing! I haven't got the headset on! Hm.
I was thinking, maybe you should go on top.
What with the cheese board.
Don't need to plan these things, obviously.
I know this is sort of more my problem than yours.
But I was thinking we should keep the noise down.
- Maybe I'll get a pillow ready to scream in to.
- Don't lie to me, Derek.
And don't tell me what you think I want to hear.
- I would never do that.
- Yes or no, am I a horrible person? Everything all right, babe? Yes.
Just been locking up.
Oh, that's good of you.
Yeah.
Got to be done.
I don't think you should do those impressions of Michael, babe.
He's a really nice man.
You were being a bit of a bell end.
OK.
OK.
I just got sent a really funny gif.
Go on.