My Family (2000) s03e04 Episode Script

I'm almost finished.
You said that ten minutes ago.
I am really.
I've only got seven more pages to go.
(Yawns) I might not be in the mood by then.
I'm willing to take that chance.
- If you don't want to, just say so.
- I do want to when I'm done.
- They say it's got a surprise ending.
- So have I.
Right.
Let's get it over with.
Happy? Yeah, why not? (Ben laughs) I have to admit, you do kiss better than the book.
You should see what I do in Chapter 2, baby.
(Scratching) - What's that noise? - Sorry, I'm a bit rusty.
- There it is again.
- It's probably the pipes.
- It sounds like a scraping noise.
- It's the wind.
- It's coming from inside our wall.
- A very strong wind.
I'm sorry.
- I won't be able to enjoy it.
- I'm sorry you won't enjoy it either.
Get off me.
Get off.
Well, that was good for me.
- Listen.
It's stopped.
- Oh, yes (Scratching) Let me know how it ends, won't you? - Oh, great.
- Me coffee, you juice.
Yes, Tarzan.
I'm too tired for sentences.
That noise kept me awake all night.
Yes, I know.
You kept waking me up to listen to it.
"Ben, did you hear that? Ben, there's that noise again.
" Or my personal favourite, "Ben, the bed's on fire.
" You were ignoring me.
I had to say something.
A simple "Ben, I'm in the mood" would have done it.
This orange juice is warm, so is the milk.
Must be a simple explanation.
No, it's set to 8.
Must be the condenser.
- Maybe it's the flex.
- Please.
I know what I'm doing.
There's the problem.
The flex.
You think? Hello, hello, hello.
It's been gnawed through by a rat.
- How do you know it's a rat bite? - I'm a dentist.
Oh, God.
That explains the noise from inside our wall.
Great.
Sour milk and a rat.
Perfect start to a crappy day.
- Warm orange juice will cheer you up.
- Why, you put vodka in it? If you swallow a contact lens, can you use it again? (Mouths) Depends what for.
Have some juice, dear.
- Thank you.
- Er Oi, that's mine.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Can I ask you a favour? But, really, feel free to say no.
No.
I'm supposed to make a documentary for film class.
I have to capture the everyday life of a typical married couple.
- So why are you using us? - Can I film you? - Of course you can.
- I am not having people witness my life.
It's bad enough that I have to see it.
My professor hates me since I broke his editing equipment sharpening my pencil.
Oh, I see, I see.
Sorry.
So, you want to invite prying eyes into our home to intrude on our most private moments just to get you a good mark.
- Yeah.
So are you in? - If it'll help out, no.
- What's the camera for? - I'm making a film about Ben and Susan.
- Oh.
A horror film.
- Stop it.
This is a really bad idea.
I think it's a marvellous idea.
Young couples could learn from us.
We can set a good example.
This porridge is funny.
Look.
Don't I have a say in this? - What have we got to lose? - Dignity, pride, self-respect? It's too late for that.
- Can you move a bit more into the light? - Abi, the lens cap is on.
Oh That is so much better.
Just act natural.
How can I with you sticking that bloody thing in my face? - That's perfect.
- I'll pop up and put some make-up on.
No.
No, Susan.
This has to be real life.
Besides, you look radiant.
Are you sure the lens cap's off? Oh, Ben? You may wanna do your robe up.
I don't want it that real.
Look, go away.
If you could only see yourself through the camera.
You've got striking features.
- That's not gonna work.
- No, really.
You remind me of a young Richard Burton.
I I did play Puck once at university.
- He was the understudy.
- I said once.
As I recall, I got some pretty favourable reviews.
No one stood in like Ben.
Well, it would be a shame to waste that kind of talent.
I suppose if it's, erm You know, if it's for your class It's Yeah, I mean, OK.
Give it a try, I suppose.
- Richard Burton? - I was desperate.
I believe communication is the key to a good relationship.
You have to feel comfortable sharing feelings and desires with your partner.
You should be able to talk about anything.
Well, what my wife means is that we've been married so long, we've really nothing left to talk about.
He means we're so in tune, we know what the other will say before we say it.
- That's not exactly what I was - But close enough.
You see? I know him so well, I can finish his sentences.
- I can finish my own.
- Not if you want them to make sense.
Stick your hand up my bum and I'll move my lips when you squeeze my colon.
Can we start again, please? I have cook books from all over the world.
Hong Kong, Tuscany, Haringey.
Susan.
Except for the interviews, never look at the camera.
- Just act natural.
- Right.
This one is near and dear to me.
Ben gave it to me after we were married.
I have to be careful with it.
I burned half of it in a megre of duck mishap.
Susan, let me put it another way.
Don't look at the camera.
Fine, fine, fine.
Of course, I never follow a recipe to the letter.
I find it limits my creativity.
Susan, film is expensive.
- But wisdom, dear, is priceless.
- I'm gonna fail.
I fail at everything I try.
I did a sculpture course.
I put a chisel through my hand.
I did live drawing.
The model died.
I did fashion design and Well, you can see for yourself.
Oh, Abi, you're so lucky you met me.
There's so much you can learn.
If you're creative, there's no failure, just different definitions of success.
Look.
Take this, erm Well, this rice pudding.
It calls for sultanas, but I may decide to put in cherries.
I've created something different.
- Will it taste better? - You're missing my point.
Your mum is really something.
I've never seen anyone work so hard trying to control everything.
She only thinks she's in control.
I'm the one who really runs things.
Excuse me? My parents are actually nothing more than puppets in a show I call my life.
I am the puppetmaster.
Yeah.
Right.
Just watch.
I've glued the lid on a jar of gherkins.
I'll tell you what'll happen.
Mum'll tap it on the counter.
She'll make Dad deal with it.
When he can't open it, he'll blame the gherkin industry for his failure.
You really need to get a girlfriend.
Er Erm I know you might not want to use this in your little film, but, erm I just want to put the record straight.
She asked me to marry her.
OK? Thank you.
You see, where many people need timers to tell them when the meal is ready, I judge by the colour of the smoke.
Like they choose the Pope.
- This needs something.
- A Chinese takeaway? Something else.
You may want to catch this on film, dear.
I can usually deduce the exact ingredient a dish lacks simply by taste.
(Coughs) (Hoarsely) Less pepper I have a knowing palate.
One might say I am the Sherlock Holmes of the kitchen.
- One might say you can't cook.
- (Ben) I'm home.
In here, dear.
How was your day? (Ben) Have you seen this? Another note from Janey asking for more money.
Ha! She's lucky I don't post my boot up her aaahh How I miss that cheeky little monkey.
- Hello, sport.
- It's Michael.
I know that.
Hello, my wonderful wife.
Hello, my wonderful husband.
Mmm! What's that? It's my everything-in-the-fridge stew.
I'm using up all the food before it goes bad.
Smells like you're a little late.
Just some connubial banter with the little lady.
- It still needs something.
- I bet it could do with some gherkins.
Good idea.
The juice will soften the pepper.
Ha-ha-ha - Ben, could you get this? - Step aside.
This is a job for a man.
This is what marriage is all about.
Sharing things.
You Oh, bloody hell Grrr! - Do you want me to? - No, it's the bloody gherkin people.
No wonder the country's in the state it's in when they farm out lid-making to a sweat shop in the Philippines.
They do it to make you buy another jar.
The onion people are no better.
- Turn it off a minute.
- I can't.
All right.
I'll open something else.
Ah, you see there? You see? It's the gherkin people.
That's good.
You're very strong, dear.
- Thank you.
- Ow! Sorry.
You can never underestimate sex in relationships.
Susan I don't think Abi wants to hear about our sex life.
- (Abi) Let me zoom in.
- No, look.
Really.
- I don't want to discuss this.
- You always want to talk about sex.
- In bed.
- What is it? Ashamed of our sex life? Yes.
What's the harm in telling people I find you incredibly sexy? Really? My heart still flutters every time you give me that that look.
- Oh.
This one.
- No, no.
The other one.
What a wonderful and generous lover you are.
- I do my best.
- (Abi) How often do you make love? - (Ben) All the time.
- (Susan) Hardly ever.
I'm sorry.
I can't take any more of this.
- I'll call the exterminator first thing.
- Not the rat.
Abi and her bloody camera.
- She's a relative.
She needs us.
- Yes, distant relative, meaning she should be far, far away.
- Being filmed is not that bad.
- She tried to film me in the shower.
I hope she got your good side.
I'm not kidding.
I can't do anything without her sticking that lens in my face.
I can't watch the telly, I can't yell at the kids, I can't break wind.
She's ruining everything that brings me joy.
Everything? Well, not not everything, no.
(Scratching) I thought you dealt with the rat.
I did.
I put traps all over the house.
Perhaps you should alert the rat.
Why not send it out little invitations? (Crack) Was that the trap? Uh-huh.
- Do you think we got him? - Uh-huh.
Is it sick, but that really turns me on.
OK.
Me, too.
Yeah, yeah.
(Crack) (Scratching and thudding) OK.
Now that's just creepy.
Stop it.
- How did you know I was there? - I imagined the last place I'd want you.
- Ben, I need help.
- Really? You discovered that? When? I looked at what I've got so far.
This film is dull.
So, when Susan comes in, I want you to confess to having an affair with a 17-year-old gymnast called Suki.
Much as I'm flattered by your total insanity, I don't think Susan'll buy that.
Mmm How about a 65-year-old pensioner with no teeth? - How about you shut up? - Good.
Keep that energy.
(Susan) Ben, I heard a noise.
I wish you'd call the exterminator to take care of our little visitor.
- Who? - You know, our guest.
The one who eats our food and is always bothering us.
- Oh, Abi.
- No.
The hairy one.
- Nick.
- No.
Michael's pet gerbil.
- What pet gerbil? - The one we call Rat.
He was a stray.
We took him in.
Adorable little thing.
Very tidy.
I put traps in strategic locations.
Dozens under the sink.
He's as good as dead.
- Did I get a pet I don't know about? - (Susan) Yes.
(Crack) You had one.
Ah! Got it! Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, no.
Look at this.
The cheese has gone.
- Put it down.
- I'm just testing Ow! Jesus! Ow! The rat caught Dad.
Can you do that again? I wanna zoom in when you scream in pain.
Stick the camera up your I'm just trying to give her the right angle.
You know, rats prefer clean houses.
In China, the rat is a symbol of good luck.
(Ben) Ow! Aah-hah! Aah! (Squeals) Don't move.
(Crack) (Ben shouts) You moved.
- What happened to your fingers? - Nothing.
- What about your lip? - Nothing.
Actually, it's pretty funny.
They've got this rat problem.
He Don't talk to her.
She's not here.
She does not exist.
There's nothing wrong with your fingers, your lip, and she don't exist? Right.
Funny.
I didn't see "smart arse" on your CV.
Real life, human drama.
All right, you can rinse now.
Have a spit and try and aim for the camera.
Why did you become a dentist? - New girl, pass the scaler.
- I have a name.
Whilst you work for me, you'll be New Girl.
Now the scaler, please.
- There's no reason to get nasty.
- There are millions but I'll give three.
Leni Riefenstahl here, your attitude and Mrs Harrington's appalling breath.
Now the scaler, please.
- Not until you call me by my name.
- All right, Janet.
You're fired.
- (Janet whines) - Oh, please Please Turn that off.
Turn it off.
What? What? This is the third job I've been fired from this month.
Well, that's not a good reference, is it? I've been thrown out of my flat, I've no money and I think I'm pregnant.
Oh God My mum's in hospital on a machine and I pay for everything.
Really? How do you pay for everything if you haven't got any money? Why don't you hit him? Come on.
She's just afraid her documentary will be boring.
It's not a documentary.
It's a snuff movie.
Poor baby.
Let me kiss it better.
It's not the only place she hit me, you know.
- Really? - Really.
(Abi) Could you put the lights on? It's too dark to film.
- Thank you.
- I told you to never film me again.
- I'm not filming you.
I'm filming Susan.
- No, you're not.
- What if I'm quiet? - No.
- What if it's tasteful? - No.
What if I leave the camera? No.
Oh, actors - I'm sorry.
I hate her.
- OK.
So she's a little overenthusiastic.
What? We were almost in a porn movie.
Doesn't that bother you? I don't know.
Does it bother you? OK.
Lights.
Action.
Yeah.
(Scratching) It's him.
He's angry with you for trying to kill him.
Me? It was your idea.
I'm just saying.
Maybe he wants revenge.
Believe me, he's getting it.
- What's in the bag? - Oh.
It's a snapless trap.
- Very humane.
- Really? How does that work? The rat goes in and it's trapped.
So why doesn't he come out again? Well, it's simple.
There's glue at the bottom of the trap.
The rat goes in, and instead of getting killed, it just gets stuck.
Well, if it's glue, how do you get it out? It says on the box.
Very humane.
That's not humane.
It either slowly starves to death or chews its little legs off trying to escape.
It plays music.
Don't tell me.
You've changed your hair.
I am wearing this as long as she is filming.
- You look like an idiot.
- They won't know it's me.
Believe me, they'll know.
- Go away.
- OK.
Whatever you say, Ben Harper.
What's that? Apparently I've just bought a trap that not only kills the rat but subjects it to a slow and humiliating death.
Perfect.
It's gonna be a good day after all.
- (Abi) Ready? - Uh-huh.
(Abi) Michael? Uh-huh? (Abi) The interview may go better if you stop staring at my breasts.
I was looking at your shirt.
I didn't notice your breasts.
What is that? Is that cotton? Ow.
- Gloves.
- Check.
- Torch.
- Check.
- Mr Muscle.
- Check.
What? What is this? While you're under the boiler, give it a wipe.
Hasn't been cleaned in years.
No, Susan.
This is war.
There's no time for spring cleaning.
Where's the trap? - I thought you had it.
- Does it look like I've got it? - (Electronic tune plays) - Wow! This thing really works.
Give me the camera.
Give me the camera! Shh.
The tension is palpable as the hunter approaches, not knowing what prey awaits.
In the distance, a duck quacks.
Shut up.
Sorry.
Just trying to add a little colour to the scene.
It's too dark in here.
I can't see anything.
If you'd replaced the bulb like I asked you a hundred times Susan, you are not helping.
This is so exciting.
It's like Crouching Dentist, Hidden Rodent.
(Scratching) - What was that? - I think it came from over there.
Oh, my God.
It's filthy in here.
I said we should have brought Mr Muscle.
Oh, my God Oh, yes.
Oh, yes.
There he is.
There's the boy.
Oh, look at him.
Look at those eyes.
Ooh Susan, give me the five-iron.
You'll never reach it.
May I suggest the driver? - You don't play golf.
- Neither do you.
They're my clubs.
Oh, my God Oh, God.
Look at him.
He's huge.
Just hand me anything, Susan.
Give me the club.
Susan? Susan? Susan? Susan? Susan! It's all right, Harper.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
It's big but you're bigger.
It's a rat but you're a dentist.
Come on, boy.
You're a trained killer.
Come on.
Yes, ratty, ratty, ratty Yeah.
(Squeaking) Oh, bloody hell! Oh, no! Oh, no! Susan! Susan! Gotta get out! Please! For God's sake, Susan, open the door! Open the door, Susan! Get me out! It's coming! Susan! Susan I liked it but I didn't love it.
Susan? Don't look at me like that.
I knew it was a bad idea.
It would have worked if you hadn't have run off and locked the basement door.
- It wasn't locked.
- You were holding it shut.
- I panicked, OK? Get over it.
- I can't.
It's on film.
You were right.
Abi's documentary is making us look like a pair of idiots.
I turned around.
You were gone.
You just left me.
I want her to express herself but there are limits.
You left me there to die.
Then again, it's only a student film.
I mean, who's really going to see it? I'm not part of this conversation, am I? Come on, Ben.
You weren't going to die.
- Besides, I've taken care of the rat.
- What do you mean? I put the neighbour's cat in the basement while you were in the shower weeping.
I wasn't weeping.
I was reminiscing.
- We've ruined Abi's film.
- Oh, at least some good's come out of it.
I thought we'd be the perfect typical married couple.
But we're not normal.
There is no such thing as a typically married couple.
We're all in the same boat, headed over the same falls.
We've just got to make the best of it, that's all.
- You make it sound so bleak.
- It is.
Except I can't think of any other person in the world I'd rather be bleak with.
That's so sweet.
So, no more interruptions.
Just you and me.
(Cat miaows) And Fluffy.
Don't even think about it.
So, Miss Truffaut.
I haven't seen you use your camera lately.
Oh, that.
I handed it in.
- You didn't say anything.
- You said never to speak to you again.
How did you do? Professor hated it.
"Too unreal," he said, the old fart.
I've got to do one on the homeless.
Oh.
Let them suffer for a while.
Pity.
All that work for nothing.
- Well, not exactly.
I sold it.
- This is it.
(TV) 'Now on When Animals Attack, 'a London dentist confronts what turns out to be a common household mouse.
' "'Oh, my God! Oh, no! Susan! Susan! "'Gotta get out! Please!"' You know, you do look like a young Richard Burton.