My Name is Earl s03e04 Episode Script

Season 3- Episode 4 The Frank Factor Why are you touching me? Where's that female guard who looks like the coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers? She's sick today so they said I get to frisk all the women, cause if someone sues, I got the least stuff to lose.
I brought you some cupcakes, some socks I made, and some magazines.
Since they won't let me bring in nudie mags, I drew naughty parts on all the people in the TV Guide.
How many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to bring me stuff.
Every day I feel more and more terrible that you're in here.
If you'd never met me, you wouldn't be sitting here with a bunch of filthy, no good hop-heads who would cut your throat if they only had the Hey, I know that guy.
He used to work at the Crab Shack back in the day.
You don't know him, but his name is I hadn't seen Frank in over seven years.
It was right around the time me and Randy had officially worn out our welcome living with our parents.
Which happened around the same time Dad got a coupon for a fumigation.
Morning.
Morning.
Listen, your father told me not to bother waking you guys butI don't know.
I don't feel right about it.
You've got 3 minutes to get out of here before your skin starts to peel off.
And just like that, we were homeless.
Where are we going? I don't know, Randy.
We're just walking.
Maybe we should pick up the pace, try get some of that bug poison out of our lungs.
I don't mind the poison.
I think I swallowed a praying mantis the other day and I'm pretty sure I felt it lay some eggs.
Well, I guess everything happens for a reason, Randy.
While me and Randy tried to figure out where we were gonna call home, a young woman we hadn't yet met was dealing with her own problems You see, a little while back, Joy had had a one-night stand with a man and he didn't leave his number.
But he did leave her with something else.
Damn it! And when she started to show, her parents threw her out of her house, too.
You're both gonna feel awful bad if this turns out to be baby Jesus or a tumor! That day, the homeless rate in Camden increased by three point foetus.
Dude, I told you that's not cool! Eventually, Joy found herself at Camden's only motel, and as soon as she smelled the room, she knew she needed a better plan.
I'm gonna have to find you a sugar daddy.
So don't be alarmed if some company pops are in for a visit.
For most people in our neighborhood, Wednesday was trash day.
For me and Randy, it was moving day.
Keep your eye out for a front yard with a hammock or a pile of dry leaves.
Can you sleep on big, plastic bags full of garbage? Cause I keep seeing those everywhere.
And then I found our answer.
It was right below a flyer for a missing boa constrictor and above some flyers for a bunch of missing cats and chickens.
So what do you think, huh? It's not bad, right? You got the stove, the fridge.
I think that thing over there is the dishwasher.
And the best part about it is you can spit on the floor, and I don't give a crap.
Anyway, I live in the bedroom, you guys will live in the kitchen and Paco lives in the parlor.
What's the other door down the hall? Oh, that's my home gym.
I'm saving up for a treadmill, but right now I just run in place.
Anyway, it's a great room, right? The kitchen, I mean.
And it's all yours.
Except, I'm going to tell you right now, Pac and I still reserve the right to use the fridge and the sink/half bath.
Earl, I think that means we get to pee in the sink.
We'll take it.
Me and Randy were getting used to our new living arrangements.
- Can you turn up the heat a little? - No problem.
Sorry, guys, I just finished my workout.
It's hard to tell, but I did at least 3 miles.
It's okay.
The light scares away all the cockroacs.
Paco, shut up.
The kitchen guys are trying to sleep.
He's all bent out of shape about this chick from back home.
A little tip: don't let him catch you coming out of the bathroom with that picture.
He will lose his mind.
And did I hear you say you were meeting me, Paco, here today to take you to your mansion in the sky? Sorry.
Shower's stopped up.
I'm still going to get the sweet spots real quick.
I had to admit it, I really looked up to this guy, Frank.
Not just cause I was lying on the floor and he was washing his spots over me, but cause he really had his life together.
Not only was he living rent free cause of this subletting thing he invented, he also drove a hell of a car.
He's got an El-frickin'- Camino.
That's like the Cadillac of cars.
He even had a cool job at a place we never been before.
On the houseroomies.
Of course, Frank's job would eventually become Darnell's, but he hadn't quite made it to Camden County yet.
Welcome to Witness Protection, Orientation and Instruction.
Now what do you say we go around the room, introduce ourselves and tell everyone why we're here.
My name is Harry Monroe, and I'm here because, when I was four years old, the U.
S.
government Rule n°1: never tell anyone your true identity or why you are here.
Rule n°2: no gum in class.
You think I could get your rent check by the end of the week? Def Leppard tickets are going on sale and it's getting to the point where the band notices if I'm not there.
That's cool.
End of the week is good.
That's when I get my paycheck.
That's normal, right? That's how most jobs do it, like the job I have, end of the week? That's pretty normal.
Two shots of sake for me and old Yoshimitsu here.
We don't have sake.
Just tear a nabel off a bottle of vodka and draw a dragon on it.
- He'll never know.
- Earl, Gary, that's my friend Patty.
She's a hooker.
This is Yoshimitsu.
He's in town on business.
He talks gibberish.
He don't speak much English.
After a time out, all he say is "sake" or "sucky.
" He's pretty rich, huh? Are you kidding me? Look at this watch.
Those stones are real.
I know, cause I used to mule blood diamonds from Zimbabwe.
Wow, that is nice.
He could afford a much prettier hooker.
But not one that's going to do some of the jacked-up stuff this dude's into.
Right, Yoshi? - Hey, he's talking gibberish again.
- Yeah, I heard him.
Selling that watch could probably pay our rent for the next year.
I just had to figure out how to get it.
And I wasn't the only one looking to try taking advantage of someone with money.
Soyou're really on TV? I don't recognize you, but my parents' TV only gets picture on Channel 5 and 7.
Oh, well, that explains it.
I'm usually up in the 60s.
So, you want to get married? Well maybe, but I'm not going to buy the cow until I get a chanceto sample the milk.
Oh, well, my milk ain't come in yet but we can do it if you want to.
Luckily, there was only one motel in Camden.
So we knew right where Yoshimitsu and his fancy watch would be.
And luckily, he had enough Crab Shack sake to put him out for the night.
What are you doing here? I'm here to steal Yoshi's watch.
You're kidding me.
I'm here to steal Yoshi's watch.
Get out of here, you steal? Hell, yeah, I steal.
Look, I'm wearing your pants.
Took them right out of the dryer.
Oh, man, this one is for the books.
And don't tell me, this must be Randy, right? Sorry.
I panicked when he identified me.
- Sorry Randy punched you.
- It's not a problem.
It's the price of doing business.
I don't have to tell you, right, thief? Hey, watch who you're calling a thiefthief.
Hey guys, I think I killed Paco.
He just knocks out easy.
He may even be playing possum.
Hey, Paquito? No, he's out.
Good for you.
Hey, dummies! Shut up in there! You shut up.
God, can you imagine being married to that bitch? Dummy! Come on, Tim, hurry up so we can do this.
Sun's almost up and my morning sickness is about to kick in.
You do not want to be under me when that happens.
What the hell? Did I not mention this at dinner? Tim, I don't think this is going to work out.
Some guy Frank knew named Jasper gave us 1,000 bucks for the watch, and we split it between the 4 of us.
All right, that's your half minus $65 for the rent.
Thanks for counting it out.
I like how you did it by twos.
Made it go a lot faster.
I had an uncle who taught me that.
He also had this trick for remembering all the months.
I can't remember how he did it so I guess that secret died with him.
Now that we got some money, can we get one of them orange, right-turn Clyde, Clint Eastwood monkeys? That way I won't have to eat bananas alone.
I hate that you hate bananas.
I'm sorry about that, Randy, but I think we should do something smarter with the money.
What are you guys going to buy with your share? - We're investing it.
- Really? Wow, that's pretty smart.
We don't want to be running around stealing watches for the rest of our lives.
- There's no future in it.
- Yeah, it's undignified.
Yeah, makes sense.
So what are you investing in? Stocks? Real estate? No, guns, two really big guns.
We're going to rob the Indian casino.
Tell 'em about Howie.
We're planning the robbery for the same night that Howie Mandel is performing at the place, so it's going to be sold out.
That's a lot of spinach, you know? I sent for my woman.
She's gonna sneak into the country.
Then, after the robbery, we're gonna sneak out of the country.
I know this is more sneaking than she needs to do, but she's a really good sneaker.
You guys are gonna be rich.
Earl, they're gonna be rich.
Hey, listen, uh we'd like our lives to be better, too.
Any chance you'd be willing to to buy a couple extra guns with our share of the watch money and let us help out? I guess, if there's four of us geing shot at, then there's less of a chance that Paco and I are going to get killed.
Sure.
Why not? Yes! If we don't die, we're getting a monkey! While me and Randy made plans for a new life, Darnell was doing the same.
Okay, son, go ahead.
You see, without fingerprints, you'll be one step closer to eliminating the possibility for someone to discover your true identity.
By the way, this is optional.
And, in another part of the world, Catalina was learning that passage to America didn't come cheap.
We got our weapons, but this was a big job, and we didn't want to go off half-cocked.
So, we realized we needed a plan.
I mean, like that.
But you know what? You know, this is, uh There's probably better plans, but this is permanent marker, so, uh let's just stick with this.
So, uhanybody remember what that plan was? It took Frank a while to remember the plan, but he eventually did.
It was cool, 'cause we all had disguises.
Frank was a golfer, I was an old man, Paco was my nurse, and, since real hostages fight back, ours was gonna be Randy.
This wig is itchy.
It's an Indian casino.
They're not gonna give up their money unless to save one of their own.
All right! Now, let's do this! Everybody put your money and jewelry in the wheelchair! Otherwise, your homeboy here gets wasted! Help me, help me! Someone push the emergency button, and tell the police they live in the Pimmit Hills trailer park! Everyone else, great job.
Oh, man.
Did I say everyone's full name again? The only thing left was to actually do the job.
Joy had another job: to find someone to take care of her baby.
And, as the due date grew closer, she was looking everywhere.
So, Doc, I don't feel a ring on your finger.
I like this.
We should shoot a hole in the closet so we don't have to open the door to get our coats.
Plus, the milk is nice and warm.
On a big job.
Biggest job I've ever had.
Guns, casinos, guns Big job.
Big one.
Anybody else throw up twice today? Hey, Earl, just try and relax, okay? Now listen, Paco and I are gonna be in Nathanville tonight.
If this is my last night on Earth, I'm going to go try to meet my son.
Plus, his mom's got a van we can steal.
All right! See you guys at the casino tomorrow, all right? Oh, God! What's the date on this cereal? While me and Randy were trying to chill out before our big day, Joy was realized that she had to get married quick or she was screwed.
And, after my 12th upside-down margarita, Joy had me where she wanted me.
And my shotgun casino robbery was replaced by a shotgun wedding.
So I called Randy and let him know that I couldn't get back in time for the robbery, and he was going to have to go without me.
No problem.
Congratulations.
I'll take the bus and meet the guys there.
Coming up next, a Kroft Superstars marathon.
Two days later, me and Joy got back to Camden to start our new life as husband and wife.
By the way, what's your last name? Well, it was Darville, but I guess it's whatever your last name is now.
Well, nice to meet you, Mrs.
Hickey.
Mrs.
Hickey.
That's funny.
Seriously, what's your last name? That's what that beeping sound was.
I thought it was Jimmy's magic flute, I couldn't figure out how come I couldn't find him on the commercials.
How was the robbery? Oh, no.
I forgot to go.
And those guys never came back? I don't think so.
Earl, I'm serious.
Tell me your real last name.
I told you.
It's Hickey.
Joy, this is my brother Randy.
- Hey.
- You ain't staying here.
And I'm not going to be called Mrs.
Hickey.
Took my 5th grade to lose that nickname, and I'm sure as hell I'm not going back to it now.
Uhhoney, we live in the kitchen.
When you never came back, we moved into the bedroom and started driving your car.
We figured you were living on a beach somewhere.
I wish.
Things didn't really work out the way we planned.
Frank explained that the robbery went off without a hitch, and they had made a clean getaway.
Excuse me.
Are you gonna kill me? Damn! You know, I forgot that you were even back there.
I got to tell you, we weren't planning on taking anybody, but our fake hostage just didn't show up.
Oh.
I see.
So where does that leave us with the whole killing me or not killing me thing? I don't know.
Why don't you pop a rubber gloven your head and see if it makes me laugh, and we'll talk about it later.
As soon as you get out of this van, you become Darnell Turner.
All the documents you need are in this envelope.
And remember, you can never be Harry Monroe again, you're a totally new person.
Sorry, sister.
I only speak French, Russian and Arabic.
I mean, what up, doll? An FBI van? I mean, what the hell was an FBI van even doing in Camden? They popped us both, and poor Paco never even got to see his old girlfriend again.
Man! How long you in for? Wait a second.
If I hadn't taken this fool to Vegas to get married, he'd be in here for 20 years? Oh, hell.
And here I am thinking I owe you 'cause you're doing two years for me.
I saved you 18 years in this hellhole.
You owe me.
And you owe the library some clean TV Guides.
I think this is the first time I've ever been glad she tricked me into marrying her.
Check out the vagina on Al Roker.