Nathan For You (2013) s03e04 Episode Script

1 - My name is Nathan Fielder, and I graduated from one of Canada's top business schools with really good grades.
Now I'm using my knowledge to help struggling small business owners make it in this competitive world.
This is "Nathan for You.
" Niky's Sports is a growing retail soccer chain in Los Angeles, California, and although owner Niky Orellana has high hopes of becoming a household name, the high cost of advertising has been holding him back.
- I used to pay, like, $7,000 for a full-page ad.
- But fortunately for Niky, I had an innovative idea to gain exposure for his brand without breaking the bank.
Hi, Niky? - Yes, sir.
- Hey, Nathan.
- How you doing? - Hey, good.
How are you? - All right.
- Thanks for having me.
- No problem.
- Um, how's business going? - All right.
- The best way to advertise a sporting goods store is to get the endorsement of a professional athlete.
The problem is, landing a deal like that can cost millions.
But if Niky's were to sign cheap, long-term contracts with a number of children that showed potential, all it would take is for one kid to turn pro for the investment to pay off big-time.
The plan: secure endorsements with the soccer stars of tomorrow by investing in kids while they're still cheap.
- Well, if it's a possibility, why not? - The only thing is, if you do this, it won't pay off for another 10 to 15 years' time.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I guess I should ask, you know, do you think you'll be around then? Is your health okay and everything? - I'm okay at the moment.
- You know, I just wouldn't want to do all this work if it's-- you know, you're gonna be dead or something.
- Well, you never know.
- Okay.
It's probably worth doing then.
- Yeah.
- Roll the dice on that.
- [whispering.]
I guess.
- Niky was in, so over the next couple weeks, I went to watch several of the best-ranked youth teams in the area, taking note of their top players.
Some of these kids suck, huh? - What's that? - Some of these kids suck.
- Oh, yeah.
And after each game, I would wait in the parking lot to talk to their parents.
Your kid was really good.
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, you were really good.
What's your name? - Josh.
- Josh, hey, nice to meet you.
Nathan.
I told them I was scouting young athletes for an endorsement deal, and his mom seemed interested, so I asked permission to take all his physical measurements which I would then use to make my final decision.
[photo snap.]
Great.
Over the course of several days, I gathered information on as many of the top kids as I could, and even though some parents had doubts about their kids' potential - Because he's--okay.
- Yeah.
- I was still able to get extensive data on 40 promising young athletes from in and around the City of Angels.
But before making offers, I wanted to figure out which of these kids were most likely to develop the athletic physique needed to play soccer professionally, so I met with Cornelius Ladd, an age progression specialist I found on Craigslist, who said he could accurately predict what these kids would look like when they were all grown up.
I don't know much about age progression.
Is this kind of a science then? - Yes, police use this technology all the time - Okay.
- For missing children's cases, and children have actually been found by the police based on renderings of artists like myself.
- Wow.
- I mean, I have a really good eye for what could possibly be, as far as what a person could look like.
- Cornelius seemed perfect for the job, so I gave him a jump drive containing all the photos of my top picks, and later that week, I returned to see the results.
All right, so this is him? - Yes.
- Um, what age is this at? - This child, I believe, is 8, and I age-progressed him to around 22, and there's quite a bit of progression in this picture where you take this young child who has no facial hair, and I added facial hair.
His face is spread out more.
His hair is completely gone because of a choice, and you know, a lot of people wear bald today.
It's a "in" thing.
- How sure are you this is what his body is gonna look like? - I would say his body's about 90%.
At a constant progression, his body would look like that, 90%.
- 90% chance? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
You want to go to the next one? - Next one? - Yeah.
- Okay, sure.
- So in this picture, I think he would grow to be a very attractive young man, and I tried to show that in the picture and also to keep his ethnicity the same, you know.
- You're pretty sure this is how he'll look? - Yes, definitely.
Again, you can use this in a court of law.
- You're sure? 'Cause there's a lot of money riding on this.
- I'm 90% sure.
- Okay.
Um, what-- - Let's go to the next one.
- Next one? - Next one.
- Okay.
Why is she playing with her hair like that? - 'Cause it's cute.
[laughs.]
- Okay.
In her, I'm projecting my own little imagination, but I project that she's having fun.
- So it's science, but then you add your own kind of opinions, or-- - Right, you have to have a vision when you start the project.
Ultimately, what you end up with is science and vision.
- So this is a combination of both? - Right, it's a combination of science and vision.
- Okay.
Um This is a boy.
- No.
- This, yeah.
- Okay, so I made this a girl.
Okay? I thought this was a girl.
- Okay.
I-I-It's a boy.
- Okay.
- I believe, yeah.
- Well, the good news about that is-- or the funny news is that I could take a girl or boy and make it into a girl.
- I'm just more concerned with accuracy.
- Yeah, I'll make him a man on the next version.
- Okay.
Um-- - I wasn't sure about some of Cornelius' choices, but still, I felt like I had enough information to start making offers, so later that week, I began meeting with the parents of my top picks to negotiate an endorsement deal that would go into effect if their kids went pro.
We think $250 is very fair because of the age of your child, and we expect, you know, a low price because we are buying while he still, you know, sucks.
- Hmm.
- Okay.
- I mean, no one else is offering you deals, right? - Right.
[clears throat.]
All right.
- The majority of parents agreed to sign our contract, which would allow Niky's to use their kids as future brand ambassadors if they became star athletes, but I was most excited about landing a deal with my top prospect, Sasha.
His skills on the field far exceeded any of the other players, and I felt like he was our best shot at playing in the big leagues and becoming a star, so once I finished up with his dad, I sat down with him to make sure he stayed on track.
We're really excited to be in business with you.
I see a lot of potential.
- What does potential mean? - But as we were chatting about his future, Sasha said something that blindsided me.
- When I grow up, I want to become an astronaut.
- Really? - Yeah.
- I mean, Sasha, you know, you can do what you want, but, you know, your talent really is on the field.
- But I think when I'm older enough like you, maybe I could go to the moon.
- I was deeply concerned.
If Sasha chose to pursue his dream of working in the space program, it would be a huge setback for Niky's endorsement portfolio.
I had to find a way to keep him on track, so later that week, I arranged for who I said was a real astronaut to pay a visit to Sasha's home, but in reality, this astronaut was my old pal James Bailey, who I knew had a special skill for nudging children in the right direction.
I have a special surprise for you today.
- Okay.
- How would you like to meet a real-life astronaut? - A real one? - Yeah.
So I brought in James to help Sasha learn a bit more about life in space.
- My whole life has just been a nightmare.
It's a terrible experience.
You know, most of my friends have died in space or gone insane from the unimaginable loneliness of being there.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
My wife and my kids, they died in space.
It was an accident.
- But I thought kids can't go to space.
- Yeah, I smuggled 'em on against the rules.
- Oh.
- As James went on, I could tell Sasha was getting a better understanding of the dangers of space travel.
- Some restaurants, they won't even serve me because I used to be an astronaut.
- Really? That's like a brown person.
If you were a brown person a long time ago, what happened, like, you couldn't go to a restaurant.
Is that how it feels? - Yeah, that's kind of how it is.
It's that kind of discrimination that happens.
- Really? - Yeah, you know, I really just wish I had decided to be a soccer player instead of an astronaut.
- Oh? - Yeah, it's too late for me now.
I'll probably die on my next mission anyways.
- Really? When is it, in two years? - Yes, sure, two years from now.
- After James was done talking to Sasha, I came back in to see how it went.
Wow, that was cool, huh? - Yeah, it was amazing.
- You got to talk to a real astronaut.
- Yeah.
- So what did you learn? - He said that his family died in space because he didn't follow the rules, and he took his kid.
- Mm.
- And he told me that once, a alien tried to-- to pull him into the sun.
- Oh, okay.
So do you still want to be an astronaut? - Well, a little, not really, not as much.
- What do you think you're gonna do instead? - Play soccer.
- Well, if that's your choice, then that's your choice.
- Yeah.
- I did it, and with Sasha back on track, I could finally return to Niky's with the solid portfolio of kids I needed to give him the best shot at becoming a national brand.
I mean, some of them are definitely gonna flame out, but all you really need is one to go pro for this to pay off big-time, so I think your odds are pretty good.
- Oh.
- Yes.
- Good.
- One thing I like to do is follow up with the businesses I work with, you know, once the idea's done, to find out if it was actually successful.
- Mm-hmm.
- What did you just do? - Nothing.
- Oh, okay.
Just looking at your phone? Okay, that's okay.
Okay.
Thanks so much and take care.
Good luck.
[upbeat music.]
- Emily Yep has been operating her antique shop, Magnolia and Willow, in the Long Beach area, for over five years, but lately, she's been finding it tough to get customers in the door.
- It does get hard when it's really slow.
I mean, it always feels like it's the end of the world.
- But after surveying the neighborhood, I realized that Emily might not be taking full advantage of her surroundings, so I paid her a visit with a way to help.
I noticed there are a lot of bars and nightclubs in the area.
- Yeah.
- Is that something you like? - Um, it's a little hard.
Sometimes we have some problems with over-serving and that kind of thing, but most of the time, we're closed by 6:00, so it doesn't affect us as much.
- But maybe it should.
You see, Magnolia and Willow has a strict "you break it, you buy it" policy, meaning that if an item breaks, it's as good as a sale, so if, instead of closing at 6:00 p.
m.
, Emily extended her hours to be open straight through the night, her chances of inebriated customers generating new sales would greatly increase.
The plan: attract late-night drunks by staying open 24 hours a day.
- Well, possibly, I guess, yeah.
I mean, I would-- I guess so, yeah.
- I mean, the way I see it, if you get the right drunk in here - Yeah.
- You could make more in a single night than you do all month.
- I just wouldn't prefer a broken item.
I'd rather sell a good one, but yeah, I mean, it would be the same thing, no matter what happens, so.
- I mean, a lot of this stuff is--probably the only way you're gonna get anything for it is if someone breaks it.
- Well, some of the items, but yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Emily agreed to try out my idea to see if it got the results I had promised, so the next day, I returned to the store and officially changed the hours.
Then to help our cause, I had the aisles narrowed slightly and moved some of her poorer-selling items to an area of the store that would increase the likelihood of accidental contact.
So that evening, once the sun went down, it was time to see if the new extended hours would work.
But knowing that tonight's sales would determine if Emily kept using my idea, I wanted to guarantee we had some results, so I headed to a nearby bar with a plan to befriend a drunk patron and lead them back to the store.
Do you know the antique shop next door? - Oh, yeah, yeah.
- They're open 24 hours now.
- Yeah.
- Okay, well - After a few unsuccessful attempts to connect with the locals - I finally found someone who was willing to chat.
- What's your favorite movie? - "Inception.
" - "Inception," really? - Yeah.
Have you seen that? - Why? Why is it your favorite movie? - What's yours? - "Forrest Gump.
" - He told me his name was JJ, and he seemed like my best shot at getting a big sale for Emily, but for this to work, I needed to get him drunk while staying sober enough myself to execute the plan, so prior to my arrival, I had a vacuum-powered device sewn into the lining of my jacket that was designed to discreetly suck up the alcohol I was served through a tube, into a pouch on my back.
Then a second motor would deliver apple juice from a different pouch, quickly refilling the glass and allowing me to go shot-for-shot with JJ without losing my focus one bit.
- Cheers.
- Over the course of the next hour, we had several rounds, and I noticed that JJ was getting pretty tipsy.
- My roommates put this piece of paper in my pocket.
Like, "Just in case you get too drunk and get lost tonight.
" - That's your address? - [laughs.]
Yeah.
- They put a piece of paper with your address in your pocket? So you get drunk often.
- Oh, yeah.
- Really drunk.
- Every night.
- And I felt that we were finally ready to head out.
I explained to him that the cameras were there for a documentary about nightlife in Long Beach, but in reality, my only goal was to get him inside the antique shop.
There was just one more step I had to take to get him ready.
There's this costume party in the area that-- - A costume party? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
- You want to go? - Yeah.
- Safety is always my number one priority, so I came up with the idea of a costume party as a way to get JJ into a padded outfit that would protect him against any antiques he might shatter once he stumbled into Emily's store.
- Cool--oh.
- Oh, shit.
- Ow, [bleep.]
! And with that, we headed out to my made-up party.
I just hoped I could convince him to make a stop along the way.
Oh, sweet, look.
Open 24 hours.
- What is it? - Looks like some sort of store, but look.
- Free p-- - Free pizza.
- Do you see it? It's right back there.
It's right there at the back by a heat lamp.
- Let's go.
- All right.
- You're coming with me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[doorbell ringing.]
- [groans.]
Ooh.
[dishes clattering.]
Uh-- - You okay, man? - I'm all right right now.
- All right.
You better be careful.
- It's all right.
- Watch your back.
- There's no way.
- Should-- - I can't even fit through that.
It's too tight.
- Well, what do you--I mean, do you want the pizza or what? - I'm kind of wedged here.
- You broke this stuff.
- Right, I see that, and that's why I'm, like, eh, I don't really want to break anymore 'cause it's [bleep.]
super expensive.
- You have a "you break it, you buy it" policy? - Yeah.
- The plan was a success.
JJ had destroyed a large selection of antiques, and once he freed himself from the aisle, all Emily had to do was catalogue the broken items - You're pretty clumsy, huh? - Is there any way I can take this thing off? - And ring up the sale.
- It's about $280 worth of damage, and that's probably getting off easy 'cause I couldn't really assess all of that broken-- - Right.
[laughs.]
- Boo.
- So with that, Emily got to make a sizable sale.
Well, lesson learned, huh? - Right.
- Sorry.
- And JJ even got to take home some antiques.
If you look at it this way, it looks like it's brand-new.
- Right.
- So it's kind of a blessing in disguise.
- Right, right, right.
- I was so happy everything worked out, and Emily seemed really won over by the idea, but as we left the store, I noticed that JJ was still pretty drunk, and since he made such a big purchase, I felt the least I could do was be a gentleman and give him a ride home.
Do you often do stuff like that without really thinking it through? - Um, yeah.
- As we drove to JJ's apartment, I thought my night was over, but that's when he started talking to me about his sex life.
- Tag team a girl, yeah.
- Tag team a girl? - Yeah.
- Yeah, what's that? - It's when you have a threesome with two guys and one girl.
- And you do that? - Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I do it with my brother a lot, actually.
- Oh, really? - Me and my brother are dogs.
- JJ began going into detail about the threesomes he has with his brother, and that that point, I really just wanted to get home, but when I dropped him off, he insisted that I meet the guy, so I waited outside as JJ went in and brought out his brother.
You guys have sex with the same girl.
- Yeah.
[both laughing.]
- I told him about-- I told him about tag team.
- Yeah.
- I told him.
- So you guys are brothers? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- And you guys, you'll have sex with the same girl? - Mm-hmm.
- Shit, I'll be [bleep.]
a girl when he's [bleep.]
a girl right next to me.
Twoeven, like.
- And then you're looking at each other during it? - No.
- It's dark in the room.
Lights are off all the way, and you don't see shit.
- It's fine.
- But if you're not looking at each other, and you're having sex with a girl, why not just one of you do it, and then the next one does it later? - 'Cause it's something we do, it's [bleep.]
-- - Right, it's just something we've done.
I mean, all my homeboys from back in Ohio, they do it.
Everybody does this shit, Max, [bleep.]
George.
- J-squad.
Shout out to J-squad, you-- - Shout out to that J-squad.
- J-squad.
- I mean, the one-- I do look at you guys, and a part of me is envious that, you know, I don't have someone in my life that is--I'm this close with.
- [snorts and spits.]
- It's nice to see brotherly love taken to that level, in a way.
- Yeah, I definitely see where you're coming from.
- It's just-- - And, like, you know-- - To us, it's just, like-- it's nothing.
- It's just, like, that's what [bleep.]
we're used to.
We're used to all this shit.
- Right.
- It's great meeting you.
- Yeah, yeah.
- All right, man.
- See you, guys.
- Yup.
- All right, buddy, yup.
- With a successful night under our belt, I could finally return to Magnolia and Willow to get Emily's thoughts on how it went.
I mean, that's a pretty big sale, right? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely, it helps, yeah.
- So how'd you feel about that? That's-- - It's good, yeah, and, you know, any time we're moving - Great, right? - Any product, it's always beneficial to the store, so-- - That was a lot of product.
- Yeah, I mean, it was good.
It's just kind of awkward - Definitely.
- Having people that might be having a little too much to drink.
It's a little harder to control in your store, that kind of thing.
- Well, a sale's a sale.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yeah, thank you for all your help and your suggestions.
This is all really great.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good experience to try it.
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Have a good day.
- Yeah, you-- no, you too.
- Thanks.
[playful music.]
Thank you.
[laughs.]
- [blows air.]
- If you're just glancing at that picture, you cannot tell that was done in Photoshop.
You would think that was an actual picture.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean, if you saw this picture lying on a table somewhere, you wouldn't think that was done in Photoshop.
You would just think, "Oh, all right,