NewsRadio (1995) s03e04 Episode Script
Arcade
Okay, what everyone's been waiting for: the announcement of this month's winner of the Budget Cutter of the Month award.
DAVE: Come on, guys.
Just-- Just pretend to be into this, all right? Matthew's into it.
[MOUTHING.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on Matthew may be too into it.
Oh, God, I can't stand the suspense.
Who is it? Who is it? Well, Matthew, that-- Matthew, that-- That was my phone bill.
Oh, God, Dave, I-- I was kind of using that as a make-believe prop.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry, Dave.
That's all right.
The winner this month is Beth.
Yes! In your face! You.
You.
You.
You.
Yes! Yes.
Well, not exactly in the spirit of the award, but congratulations nonetheless.
Thank you.
And it is for your suggestion: "Get rid of the old sandwich vending machine in the lobby, which costs us an arm and a leg to rent and no one uses.
" What about my idea to stop buying all those boxes of paper clips? No one really uses them.
No, I do.
JOE: Yeah, dude, but making necklaces and bracelets doesn't count.
Yeah, I-- I-I don't see what's so bad about the sandwich machine, anyways.
What's so bad about it is that they change the sandwiches in it like once every leap year.
Has anyone actually ever eaten one of those dried-up, old leathery specimens? [GAGS.]
What are you guys talking about? Uh, sandwich machine by the elevators.
Best sandwiches in the city.
Ew.
They're an acquired taste.
Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged.
In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
All this talk about aged lunchmeat and ghosts has made me peckish.
I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
Okay, so, what do I win? What do I win? You get to call the vending company and have the machine removed.
Okay, wait, and then I get the big five-foot check, right? Tiara, Turtle Wax? [CRUNCH.]
[.]
Oh, hey, has anybody done the Jumble yet? Uh, no, it looks like you beat the rush.
Good, 'cause I got Jumble fever, and I got it bad.
Well, Matthew, I keep telling you, if you'd take your quinine, that wouldn't be a problem.
Let's see here, we got "ned.
" Ned, ned, ned, ned.
Nib, nib, nib.
Nod, nod, nod, nod.
Ona, ona, ona, ona.
O, O, O, O There's no O in that one.
Shh! I know.
It's all part of the process.
O, O, ona, ona, O, O, O, O, O It's "chalk"-- "Chalk.
" Yeah.
We tied on that one.
These are a little bit harder than they look, huh? Yeah, I know.
Zed, zed, zed.
Zip, zip, zip.
Zap, zap, zzz-- Yeah, there's no Z in that one.
Shh! Za, zu, zzzzz "Glove.
" "Glove.
" Good eye, good time.
"Chalk," "glove.
" Oh, "mostly," "detained," and: "How did the mixed doubles team fair in the big match?" Answer: "They fell in love.
" Duh.
Thank you.
How did you do that? Oh, um, well, you see those letters there? When you rearrange them, they spell-- Yeah.
No, I know how to play.
No, how'd you do it so fast? Oh, well, um Okay, you just look at the letters, right? And then one of them goes, "Pick me, I'm first.
" Then the others are like, "I'm second, and my friend, Mr.
E here is third.
" I'd really rather not reveal the intricacies of my process at this point in time.
You are good at that though, Beth.
I know.
Hey, but can you do this? Ew! G-- Ew! [GIGGLES.]
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can you do this? Oh, my God, that's hard.
I know.
It took me, like, since high school to learn.
Oh, yeah? "Junior.
" Oh, another one.
Yeah, yeah.
"Junior," "revamp," uh, s-- Oh, "tardy" and "lariat.
" And, um-- Let me borrow this for a sec.
"The manager said the pinch hitter would be a--" Oh.
"A change for the [CACKLES.]
batter.
" [CHUCKLES.]
"A change for the batter.
" [LAUGHING.]
Dave.
I-I'm very busy with this report right now, sorry.
It's finally happening.
W-what? I'm getting stupider.
Huh? The human brain starts to deteriorate irreversibly after the age of 30.
Where did you hear that? I don't remember.
See? See? You know what, this kind of reminds me of the time that my Uncle Larry, he, uh-- Yes, I'm sure it does, Dave.
But I couldn't even do the Jumble.
The Jumble.
Oh, you rearrange the letters to make words.
No, I know how to play.
Oh, well, see, you're not so stupid.
No, I'm very serious.
Look, I can't even listen to NPR anymore.
You know, I try to listen and concentrate, and I can't.
My mind starts wandering.
I get confused.
Well, wait a minute.
Isn't that what's supposed to happen when you listen to NPR? I used to listen to it all the time in high school.
I see, so you think you're stupider than Lisa from high school? Possibly.
Mm-hm.
Probably.
Definitely.
Yes.
Well, there's only one thing to be done.
You'll just have to retake your SATs to find out for sure.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hm-hm-hm.
But, you know, I did get an 800 on my-- I know what you got on your SATs.
Knock, knock.
Here, can you sign this, Dave? Sure.
[SIGHS.]
There.
Hey, I didn't just sign for a stolen jeep, did I, Radar? Dave, I don't watch Star Trek.
Anyway, this is for those guys that are here to replace the sandwich machine.
Okay-- What do you mean, replace? I thought we were just getting rid of it.
Beth? I'm sorry.
Where were we? I'm stupid.
I don't remember.
Well, we knew this day would come, Algernon.
Algernon.
Come on.
The super-intelligent mouse from [IN UNISON.]
Flowers for Algernon.
Right, written by Daniel Keyes.
Inspired the 1968 film Charly, for which Cliff Robertson won an Oscar for best actor.
I should have known that faster.
No, you shouldn't have known it at all.
I have to get back to work, all right? You gotta stop 'em.
They're actually taking it away.
I rescued as many as I could, but I just don't have enough change.
And they're putting that monstrosity in its place.
DAVE: What monstrosity? All right, my good man, we'll have no further use for your services.
This is the manager, and he's not about to let you take these poor, delicious souls from their home.
Please ignore him.
Now, Beth, what's this about replacing the sandwich machine? I thought we were just getting rid of it? Just relax.
It's another concept from the budget-cutter champion.
You're in good hands.
You got a garbage can? I found this behind the machine.
[MOANS.]
Oh, my God.
I'll take that.
It looks like it's been in there for 20 years.
Hand it over.
Gently.
Gently.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Ta-da.
No, no, no.
Uh, no, absolutely not.
Oh, Come on, Dave, hear me out.
No.
With a cash cow like this, we will not only save money.
We will actually make it, one quarter at a time.
Get it out of here quickly.
Come on.
Get it out.
With a pinball machine like this-- First of all, it is not pinball machine.
It is "Stargate Defender," a classic arcade game from 1981.
The glory days before the 16-bit processors.
Anyway, I think the idea is to kill off all the spaceships-- No, the idea is to save the humanoids.
That is, if the Yllabian Space Guppies don't get to you first.
Really? Oh, cool, so you've played this game before? No.
It just seems like common sense.
Hang on.
Were you one of those guys in high school who spent every day at the arcade, hunched over the controls of a simulated spaceship with all the other pale, friendless virgins? Don't be silly.
Look, just get it out of here.
Those things are way-- Way too much of a distraction.
Just-- Just-- Just get rid of it.
So we meet again.
Dave? Huh? There are supposed to be five differences between these two pictures.
You know what, they've actually changed the IQ test.
Puzzles on the back of cereal boxes don't weigh as heavily in your overall score anymore.
Yeah, I can only find two.
Well, the dog's hat is tilted the other way.
Yes, well, duh.
And there are two frogs in this one.
Got that.
Cowboy's boots are bigger.
Balloons are missin'.
Balloons hadn't been invented yet back in cowboy times.
[CRUNCH.]
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
I really don't understand how you can eat those things.
Well, they aren't what you would call conventionally tasty.
I guess they remind me of the sandwiches my mother used to make for me.
Your mother made you sandwiches like that? Yes, she made a month's worth of sandwiches at a time.
Then she'd leave them for me in a box on the porch.
She was quite a woman.
[CRUNCH.]
I'll bet she was.
Of course, now I'll have to ration these like a squirrel burying a precious bone.
While those-- Those vidiots play that infernal game.
Well, to be fair, Bill, that game is a good test of hand-eye coordination, and it does further your understanding of other-- Other worlds.
And besides, nobody-- Nobody's playing it.
I-- I took away the extension cord.
Hey, gang! What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happenin'.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Hungry, Jim? I was.
Oh, there it is.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, sir, no.
No, no, no, no.
Please, sir.
No.
Oh, come on, Dave.
No video games.
Let me play.
Please.
Gotta play.
Wanna play.
Gotta play.
Look, once you put your first quarter into it, it will consume your every waking moment.
It will it will haunt you in your sleep.
It will irreversibly ruin your life.
Okay, Dave, is there something you wanna tell me? Yeah, um I, uh-- I spent-- I spent, uh, half of high school playing "Stargate Defender.
" Two solid years.
[SIGHS.]
Two years, huh? Mm-hm.
Well, you must have been good.
What was your best score? March 7th, 1983.
One-- 1.
2 million? Wow! I mean, that-- Is that good? Yeah.
Wisconsin offers very few distractions for a pale, friendless virgin.
No argument there.
You got any-- You got any tips for me? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yes, save the humanoids.
Yeah? Just-- Just try to imagine them as members of your real-life family.
That way, you'll make sure nothing bad ever happens to them.
Save the humanoids? Mm-hm.
Okay, Dave.
I'll try to check that out.
It's not him the machine wants.
It's me.
Ah I'll just leave these right here in case you need 'em.
Hello.
Hello.
I just wanted to thank you.
Oh, for what? That sarcastic comment you made about the SATs really helped me put things in perspective.
Great, so I-- I assume you've come to your senses? Yes, I have decided to retake the SATs.
Good for you.
I'm trying out for the Drama Club.
I'm not kidding.
Mm-hm.
There's an SAT prep course having a sample test tomorrow, and I am going to take it.
Come on, you know, look, the SATs aren't even an accurate test of intelligence.
That sounds like something someone who got a low score might say.
Uh, look On the day I took that test, there were certain outside factors that adversely affected my performance.
Ooh, yeah, that's what they all say, Dave.
Well, in this case, it happens to be true.
So I have some work to do.
I would appreciate, uh, being allowed to do it.
All right.
Well, you know what? Mm-hm? Here's your chance to show the world what you can do.
Why don't you take the test with me.
'Cause that would be ridiculous.
Okay, I can see quite clearly that you're chicken.
I am not chicken.
And besides, if you're really worried about getting stupider isn't it gonna drive you crazy if I get a higher score? Dave, I'm worried that I'm stupider than I was, not stupider than you.
What time? LISA: Nine a.
m.
I'll be there.
[ELECTRONIC BLIPS AND BLEEPS.]
Good night, Jimmy.
[BLATHERS.]
Night there, Jim.
All right.
You take the stairs.
I don't wanna risk getting stuck between floors with those things.
Then we'd have nourishment.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
I'd eat my arm off first.
Bon appétit.
Still at it, Mr.
James? [COIN FALLS.]
So sad.
Come again? So sad.
All them humanoids gettin' beamed into outer space.
My mom, my dad My brother.
[SOBBING.]
Oh.
There's nothin' I could do, Dave.
They're all gone.
Kind-- Kind of took my advice to heart, didn't you, sir? Did it at least help you with your score? Well, it's kind of-- Kind of hard to see the screen through all these tears, you know? I'm sorry.
You wanna play? No, no, no, no.
Oh, come on.
Just one game.
No, no, I really can't.
I have to get up early for the SATs.
Ah, of course, of course.
Doesn't matter, I gotta-- I gotta call my mom and apologize for letting her down.
I'll-- I'll see ya.
All right, good night, sir.
[BEEPS.]
What did you say? Ah, all right.
Well, it's been a long time, "Stargate Defender.
" [ROBOTIC VOICE.]
Indeed it has, Dave.
I believe we have a score to settle.
[SIGHS.]
[GUNS FIRING IN GAME.]
Damn.
Okay.
Just one more game.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh [SIGHS.]
Good morning, Dave.
Oh, are you just going home now? No, I just got here.
Ready? I was born ready.
[.]
[SIGHS.]
How long do we have before the next section? Um, 10 minutes.
Mm-hm.
How you doing? A little unnerved.
Well, it's not all that bad, really.
No, I think maybe I just feel a little awkward about being the only kid in my row with a pension plan.
Well, I'm gonna go have a cigarette.
Uh-huh-- You don't smoke.
I did in high school.
Ah.
Hey, man.
Huh? Your mom is fine.
My mom? Really? Yeah.
It must be weird to have a mom who's, like, a really cute girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that is weird.
So why is she taking the SAT with you? Well, you know Mom.
You know, wants to keep an eye on me.
Always-- Always on my case.
I hear that.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I'd like to have her on my case.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, whoa.
What ya looking at? Just a list of vocabulary words.
You should relax.
The SAT's not such a big deal.
Well, maybe not.
But you better pretend it is, or else you won't get a good score, which means you can't get into a good college, and then you won't get a good job, and then your life will be ruined.
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I mean, maybe if you have a lot of good extracurriculars, it will-- Can I have a cigarette? Yes, here.
Here.
I'm sorry.
But you know what, you shouldn't smoke.
I don't really smoke.
It's just-- [.]
You okay, Bill? I'm fine.
Great.
All right, I'll stop trying to be brave.
I feel like hell.
Well, maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
No, that's just it.
I finished the last one at exactly 12:41 last night.
Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you? I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives.
My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
No, it hasn't.
Yes, it has.
We're running out of time.
Look! Help me, I'm begging you! You actually dyed your hair gray to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine? Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me? Only if you dyed all your hair gray to match.
I did! Uh, it's the testing people.
Great.
Hi.
Yes, I'm calling for the results of the practice SAT scores.
Uh, Lisa Miller and David Nelson.
[MOANS.]
Thank you.
Well? Well, uh, I scored the same as I did in high school.
Terrific, terrific.
You feel better? No, Dave, I don't, because your score, on the other hand, dropped 120 points.
So what? So what? So what? At this rate, by this time next year I'll be spoonfeeding you pudding while you watch Barney tapes.
And that is not what I want out of a relationship.
Listen, that test was not an a-accurate assessment of my abilities, all right? There were certain outside factors that had an adverse effect upon my performance.
Oh, Dave, outside factors? Give me a break.
Okay.
I stayed up all night playing that damn video game, all right? I-I'm exhausted, and that is why I blew the test.
Well I am very, very disappointed in you, Dave.
Which is exactly what my mother said when I did the same thing before the real SATs.
"Stargate Defender" kept me out of Stanford.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's all right.
What's the deal about Stanford? You know, who wants to be in California in the winter? The winter in Wisconsin is the best seven months of the year.
Oh, well, you know, you-- You could look on the bright side and at least you got really, really good at "Star Trek Invader.
" "Stargate Defender.
" "Stargate Defender.
" "Stargate Defender.
" Here you go, dude, Ah It's been a long time, my little friends.
[SQUISHES.]
So, what, there's another sandwich machine on another floor? Nope, made 'em myself, heh.
Then I rapped them in foil and ran 'em through the clothes dryer, and then I he-he, taped 'em to the roof of my van when I drove in to work this morning.
Then when I got here-- I'll get the recipe later.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, now, look, Dave.
I just want you to be prepared.
What, h-has somebody beaten my high score? No.
What-- What-- What? I replaced the video arcade game like you asked me to.
DAVE: No! [WHISPERS.]
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave.
BETH: Oh, God.
Come on, isn't she cool? No! What is the fun in that? Dave, I know that in time, you will grow to love her.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
I wish I was big.
[VIDEO GAMES BUZZING.]
Hey, aren't you that dude we met at the SAT place? Hey, fellas.
So how'd you do? No, I mean on the SATs.
Considerably lower.
So, uh, is your mom gonna pick you up here? Nope.
Damn.
Damn.
DAVE: Come on, guys.
Just-- Just pretend to be into this, all right? Matthew's into it.
[MOUTHING.]
Come on, come on, come on, come on Matthew may be too into it.
Oh, God, I can't stand the suspense.
Who is it? Who is it? Well, Matthew, that-- Matthew, that-- That was my phone bill.
Oh, God, Dave, I-- I was kind of using that as a make-believe prop.
I didn't know.
I'm sorry, Dave.
That's all right.
The winner this month is Beth.
Yes! In your face! You.
You.
You.
You.
Yes! Yes.
Well, not exactly in the spirit of the award, but congratulations nonetheless.
Thank you.
And it is for your suggestion: "Get rid of the old sandwich vending machine in the lobby, which costs us an arm and a leg to rent and no one uses.
" What about my idea to stop buying all those boxes of paper clips? No one really uses them.
No, I do.
JOE: Yeah, dude, but making necklaces and bracelets doesn't count.
Yeah, I-- I-I don't see what's so bad about the sandwich machine, anyways.
What's so bad about it is that they change the sandwiches in it like once every leap year.
Has anyone actually ever eaten one of those dried-up, old leathery specimens? [GAGS.]
What are you guys talking about? Uh, sandwich machine by the elevators.
Best sandwiches in the city.
Ew.
They're an acquired taste.
Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged.
In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
In the olden days, people died of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
All this talk about aged lunchmeat and ghosts has made me peckish.
I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
Okay, so, what do I win? What do I win? You get to call the vending company and have the machine removed.
Okay, wait, and then I get the big five-foot check, right? Tiara, Turtle Wax? [CRUNCH.]
[.]
Oh, hey, has anybody done the Jumble yet? Uh, no, it looks like you beat the rush.
Good, 'cause I got Jumble fever, and I got it bad.
Well, Matthew, I keep telling you, if you'd take your quinine, that wouldn't be a problem.
Let's see here, we got "ned.
" Ned, ned, ned, ned.
Nib, nib, nib.
Nod, nod, nod, nod.
Ona, ona, ona, ona.
O, O, O, O There's no O in that one.
Shh! I know.
It's all part of the process.
O, O, ona, ona, O, O, O, O, O It's "chalk"-- "Chalk.
" Yeah.
We tied on that one.
These are a little bit harder than they look, huh? Yeah, I know.
Zed, zed, zed.
Zip, zip, zip.
Zap, zap, zzz-- Yeah, there's no Z in that one.
Shh! Za, zu, zzzzz "Glove.
" "Glove.
" Good eye, good time.
"Chalk," "glove.
" Oh, "mostly," "detained," and: "How did the mixed doubles team fair in the big match?" Answer: "They fell in love.
" Duh.
Thank you.
How did you do that? Oh, um, well, you see those letters there? When you rearrange them, they spell-- Yeah.
No, I know how to play.
No, how'd you do it so fast? Oh, well, um Okay, you just look at the letters, right? And then one of them goes, "Pick me, I'm first.
" Then the others are like, "I'm second, and my friend, Mr.
E here is third.
" I'd really rather not reveal the intricacies of my process at this point in time.
You are good at that though, Beth.
I know.
Hey, but can you do this? Ew! G-- Ew! [GIGGLES.]
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can you do this? Oh, my God, that's hard.
I know.
It took me, like, since high school to learn.
Oh, yeah? "Junior.
" Oh, another one.
Yeah, yeah.
"Junior," "revamp," uh, s-- Oh, "tardy" and "lariat.
" And, um-- Let me borrow this for a sec.
"The manager said the pinch hitter would be a--" Oh.
"A change for the [CACKLES.]
batter.
" [CHUCKLES.]
"A change for the batter.
" [LAUGHING.]
Dave.
I-I'm very busy with this report right now, sorry.
It's finally happening.
W-what? I'm getting stupider.
Huh? The human brain starts to deteriorate irreversibly after the age of 30.
Where did you hear that? I don't remember.
See? See? You know what, this kind of reminds me of the time that my Uncle Larry, he, uh-- Yes, I'm sure it does, Dave.
But I couldn't even do the Jumble.
The Jumble.
Oh, you rearrange the letters to make words.
No, I know how to play.
Oh, well, see, you're not so stupid.
No, I'm very serious.
Look, I can't even listen to NPR anymore.
You know, I try to listen and concentrate, and I can't.
My mind starts wandering.
I get confused.
Well, wait a minute.
Isn't that what's supposed to happen when you listen to NPR? I used to listen to it all the time in high school.
I see, so you think you're stupider than Lisa from high school? Possibly.
Mm-hm.
Probably.
Definitely.
Yes.
Well, there's only one thing to be done.
You'll just have to retake your SATs to find out for sure.
Ha-ha-ha.
Hm-hm-hm.
But, you know, I did get an 800 on my-- I know what you got on your SATs.
Knock, knock.
Here, can you sign this, Dave? Sure.
[SIGHS.]
There.
Hey, I didn't just sign for a stolen jeep, did I, Radar? Dave, I don't watch Star Trek.
Anyway, this is for those guys that are here to replace the sandwich machine.
Okay-- What do you mean, replace? I thought we were just getting rid of it.
Beth? I'm sorry.
Where were we? I'm stupid.
I don't remember.
Well, we knew this day would come, Algernon.
Algernon.
Come on.
The super-intelligent mouse from [IN UNISON.]
Flowers for Algernon.
Right, written by Daniel Keyes.
Inspired the 1968 film Charly, for which Cliff Robertson won an Oscar for best actor.
I should have known that faster.
No, you shouldn't have known it at all.
I have to get back to work, all right? You gotta stop 'em.
They're actually taking it away.
I rescued as many as I could, but I just don't have enough change.
And they're putting that monstrosity in its place.
DAVE: What monstrosity? All right, my good man, we'll have no further use for your services.
This is the manager, and he's not about to let you take these poor, delicious souls from their home.
Please ignore him.
Now, Beth, what's this about replacing the sandwich machine? I thought we were just getting rid of it? Just relax.
It's another concept from the budget-cutter champion.
You're in good hands.
You got a garbage can? I found this behind the machine.
[MOANS.]
Oh, my God.
I'll take that.
It looks like it's been in there for 20 years.
Hand it over.
Gently.
Gently.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Ta-da.
No, no, no.
Uh, no, absolutely not.
Oh, Come on, Dave, hear me out.
No.
With a cash cow like this, we will not only save money.
We will actually make it, one quarter at a time.
Get it out of here quickly.
Come on.
Get it out.
With a pinball machine like this-- First of all, it is not pinball machine.
It is "Stargate Defender," a classic arcade game from 1981.
The glory days before the 16-bit processors.
Anyway, I think the idea is to kill off all the spaceships-- No, the idea is to save the humanoids.
That is, if the Yllabian Space Guppies don't get to you first.
Really? Oh, cool, so you've played this game before? No.
It just seems like common sense.
Hang on.
Were you one of those guys in high school who spent every day at the arcade, hunched over the controls of a simulated spaceship with all the other pale, friendless virgins? Don't be silly.
Look, just get it out of here.
Those things are way-- Way too much of a distraction.
Just-- Just-- Just get rid of it.
So we meet again.
Dave? Huh? There are supposed to be five differences between these two pictures.
You know what, they've actually changed the IQ test.
Puzzles on the back of cereal boxes don't weigh as heavily in your overall score anymore.
Yeah, I can only find two.
Well, the dog's hat is tilted the other way.
Yes, well, duh.
And there are two frogs in this one.
Got that.
Cowboy's boots are bigger.
Balloons are missin'.
Balloons hadn't been invented yet back in cowboy times.
[CRUNCH.]
Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
I really don't understand how you can eat those things.
Well, they aren't what you would call conventionally tasty.
I guess they remind me of the sandwiches my mother used to make for me.
Your mother made you sandwiches like that? Yes, she made a month's worth of sandwiches at a time.
Then she'd leave them for me in a box on the porch.
She was quite a woman.
[CRUNCH.]
I'll bet she was.
Of course, now I'll have to ration these like a squirrel burying a precious bone.
While those-- Those vidiots play that infernal game.
Well, to be fair, Bill, that game is a good test of hand-eye coordination, and it does further your understanding of other-- Other worlds.
And besides, nobody-- Nobody's playing it.
I-- I took away the extension cord.
Hey, gang! What's the buzz? Tell me what's a-happenin'.
Hey, Mr.
James.
Hungry, Jim? I was.
Oh, there it is.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Oh, sir, no.
No, no, no, no.
Please, sir.
No.
Oh, come on, Dave.
No video games.
Let me play.
Please.
Gotta play.
Wanna play.
Gotta play.
Look, once you put your first quarter into it, it will consume your every waking moment.
It will it will haunt you in your sleep.
It will irreversibly ruin your life.
Okay, Dave, is there something you wanna tell me? Yeah, um I, uh-- I spent-- I spent, uh, half of high school playing "Stargate Defender.
" Two solid years.
[SIGHS.]
Two years, huh? Mm-hm.
Well, you must have been good.
What was your best score? March 7th, 1983.
One-- 1.
2 million? Wow! I mean, that-- Is that good? Yeah.
Wisconsin offers very few distractions for a pale, friendless virgin.
No argument there.
You got any-- You got any tips for me? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Yes, save the humanoids.
Yeah? Just-- Just try to imagine them as members of your real-life family.
That way, you'll make sure nothing bad ever happens to them.
Save the humanoids? Mm-hm.
Okay, Dave.
I'll try to check that out.
It's not him the machine wants.
It's me.
Ah I'll just leave these right here in case you need 'em.
Hello.
Hello.
I just wanted to thank you.
Oh, for what? That sarcastic comment you made about the SATs really helped me put things in perspective.
Great, so I-- I assume you've come to your senses? Yes, I have decided to retake the SATs.
Good for you.
I'm trying out for the Drama Club.
I'm not kidding.
Mm-hm.
There's an SAT prep course having a sample test tomorrow, and I am going to take it.
Come on, you know, look, the SATs aren't even an accurate test of intelligence.
That sounds like something someone who got a low score might say.
Uh, look On the day I took that test, there were certain outside factors that adversely affected my performance.
Ooh, yeah, that's what they all say, Dave.
Well, in this case, it happens to be true.
So I have some work to do.
I would appreciate, uh, being allowed to do it.
All right.
Well, you know what? Mm-hm? Here's your chance to show the world what you can do.
Why don't you take the test with me.
'Cause that would be ridiculous.
Okay, I can see quite clearly that you're chicken.
I am not chicken.
And besides, if you're really worried about getting stupider isn't it gonna drive you crazy if I get a higher score? Dave, I'm worried that I'm stupider than I was, not stupider than you.
What time? LISA: Nine a.
m.
I'll be there.
[ELECTRONIC BLIPS AND BLEEPS.]
Good night, Jimmy.
[BLATHERS.]
Night there, Jim.
All right.
You take the stairs.
I don't wanna risk getting stuck between floors with those things.
Then we'd have nourishment.
[ELEVATOR DINGS.]
I'd eat my arm off first.
Bon appétit.
Still at it, Mr.
James? [COIN FALLS.]
So sad.
Come again? So sad.
All them humanoids gettin' beamed into outer space.
My mom, my dad My brother.
[SOBBING.]
Oh.
There's nothin' I could do, Dave.
They're all gone.
Kind-- Kind of took my advice to heart, didn't you, sir? Did it at least help you with your score? Well, it's kind of-- Kind of hard to see the screen through all these tears, you know? I'm sorry.
You wanna play? No, no, no, no.
Oh, come on.
Just one game.
No, no, I really can't.
I have to get up early for the SATs.
Ah, of course, of course.
Doesn't matter, I gotta-- I gotta call my mom and apologize for letting her down.
I'll-- I'll see ya.
All right, good night, sir.
[BEEPS.]
What did you say? Ah, all right.
Well, it's been a long time, "Stargate Defender.
" [ROBOTIC VOICE.]
Indeed it has, Dave.
I believe we have a score to settle.
[SIGHS.]
[GUNS FIRING IN GAME.]
Damn.
Okay.
Just one more game.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh [SIGHS.]
Good morning, Dave.
Oh, are you just going home now? No, I just got here.
Ready? I was born ready.
[.]
[SIGHS.]
How long do we have before the next section? Um, 10 minutes.
Mm-hm.
How you doing? A little unnerved.
Well, it's not all that bad, really.
No, I think maybe I just feel a little awkward about being the only kid in my row with a pension plan.
Well, I'm gonna go have a cigarette.
Uh-huh-- You don't smoke.
I did in high school.
Ah.
Hey, man.
Huh? Your mom is fine.
My mom? Really? Yeah.
It must be weird to have a mom who's, like, a really cute girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, that is weird.
So why is she taking the SAT with you? Well, you know Mom.
You know, wants to keep an eye on me.
Always-- Always on my case.
I hear that.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I'd like to have her on my case.
[LAUGHS.]
Hey, whoa.
What ya looking at? Just a list of vocabulary words.
You should relax.
The SAT's not such a big deal.
Well, maybe not.
But you better pretend it is, or else you won't get a good score, which means you can't get into a good college, and then you won't get a good job, and then your life will be ruined.
Oh, oh.
I'm sorry.
I-I-I mean, maybe if you have a lot of good extracurriculars, it will-- Can I have a cigarette? Yes, here.
Here.
I'm sorry.
But you know what, you shouldn't smoke.
I don't really smoke.
It's just-- [.]
You okay, Bill? I'm fine.
Great.
All right, I'll stop trying to be brave.
I feel like hell.
Well, maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
No, that's just it.
I finished the last one at exactly 12:41 last night.
Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you? I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives.
My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
No, it hasn't.
Yes, it has.
We're running out of time.
Look! Help me, I'm begging you! You actually dyed your hair gray to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine? Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me? Only if you dyed all your hair gray to match.
I did! Uh, it's the testing people.
Great.
Hi.
Yes, I'm calling for the results of the practice SAT scores.
Uh, Lisa Miller and David Nelson.
[MOANS.]
Thank you.
Well? Well, uh, I scored the same as I did in high school.
Terrific, terrific.
You feel better? No, Dave, I don't, because your score, on the other hand, dropped 120 points.
So what? So what? So what? At this rate, by this time next year I'll be spoonfeeding you pudding while you watch Barney tapes.
And that is not what I want out of a relationship.
Listen, that test was not an a-accurate assessment of my abilities, all right? There were certain outside factors that had an adverse effect upon my performance.
Oh, Dave, outside factors? Give me a break.
Okay.
I stayed up all night playing that damn video game, all right? I-I'm exhausted, and that is why I blew the test.
Well I am very, very disappointed in you, Dave.
Which is exactly what my mother said when I did the same thing before the real SATs.
"Stargate Defender" kept me out of Stanford.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no, that's all right.
What's the deal about Stanford? You know, who wants to be in California in the winter? The winter in Wisconsin is the best seven months of the year.
Oh, well, you know, you-- You could look on the bright side and at least you got really, really good at "Star Trek Invader.
" "Stargate Defender.
" "Stargate Defender.
" "Stargate Defender.
" Here you go, dude, Ah It's been a long time, my little friends.
[SQUISHES.]
So, what, there's another sandwich machine on another floor? Nope, made 'em myself, heh.
Then I rapped them in foil and ran 'em through the clothes dryer, and then I he-he, taped 'em to the roof of my van when I drove in to work this morning.
Then when I got here-- I'll get the recipe later.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, now, look, Dave.
I just want you to be prepared.
What, h-has somebody beaten my high score? No.
What-- What-- What? I replaced the video arcade game like you asked me to.
DAVE: No! [WHISPERS.]
Oh, Dave, Dave, Dave.
BETH: Oh, God.
Come on, isn't she cool? No! What is the fun in that? Dave, I know that in time, you will grow to love her.
[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY.]
I wish I was big.
[VIDEO GAMES BUZZING.]
Hey, aren't you that dude we met at the SAT place? Hey, fellas.
So how'd you do? No, I mean on the SATs.
Considerably lower.
So, uh, is your mom gonna pick you up here? Nope.
Damn.
Damn.