Orange Is the New Black s03e04 Episode Script
Finger In The Dyke
[cell door slams.]
[cell door slams.]
- [inmates snoring.]
- [Crazy Eyes.]
No! Vee! Vee! No, Vee.
[whimpers.]
Vee, Vee! Vee.
Vee! Vee! - [Taystee groaning.]
- Vee! Vee! Vee! Shut the fuck up! Yeah, I've been trying to get some sleep around here! - What in the hell is wrong with you? - [inmate.]
Trying to sleep.
I'm so tired of this shit.
Vee's in trouble.
I gotta tell her about the dragon that's coming.
It was a dream, crazy pants.
You were dreaming.
- What? - Sit your ass down.
[sighs heavily.]
- Just a dream? - [Black Cindy.]
Yes! Like yesterday and the day before that! Shit! [inmates muttering.]
- [Poussey bangs wall.]
- [gasps.]
[inmate.]
Damn it! - [Poussey huffs.]
- [whispering.]
Sorry.
[mouthing.]
[snoring.]
[Bell on PA.]
Rise and shine, ladies.
- Another crappy day in prison.
- [inmates groaning.]
[exhales.]
[Crazy Eyes scatting.]
- [whistling.]
- [inmate.]
Shut up! [inhaling deeply.]
It smells like her.
You wouldn't understand it, you're not a parent.
But the top of your head, right here it always smells like you.
From the time you're an infant, until you're a fucked-up adult.
Luschek is the fuck up.
Bullshit.
Luschek wasn't lying.
That baggie was hers.
She told me herself.
A junkie and a hoarder.
He is still the reason that she is down there.
He did not need to name her.
Being angry at him is a waste of time.
Seems more productive than sniffing an old hairbrush.
Hey, Pennsa-fucky.
Hey, you know that Pennsatucky's a nickname.
Mmm-hmm.
So, you don't gotta change it.
It's already a name that's not my name.
Yes, but there's always room to riff.
Can I borrow some toothpaste? My commissary's low.
No, I don't got none.
Big Boobs.
Nice one.
How do you not have any toothpaste? 'Cause I don't need any toothpaste.
These babies are porcelain.
[laughing.]
You know, I sure as hell ain't a dentist, but I don't think that's how it works.
Why? 'Cause you think the Queen of England's just sittin' around, ordering her butler or whatever to clean the fancy china with Colgate? No, of course not.
Because plates don't get cavities and neither do these bad boys.
Man your parents didn't really even do the bare minimum with you.
Oh.
I see your evangeli-crazy fan club is still going full swing.
[imitates sermonizing preacher.]
"Blood will be shed for the murdered babies.
We shall stand together and rejoice as the transgressors' [in normal voice.]
skin crackles in the fires of hell.
" Jesus fucking Christ, that is terrifying.
When you hear it out loud, I see your point.
"Reverend Lawlor circulated your prison ID number.
We hope that you've received our donation, and that you'll " Hold up.
Hmm? These pulsing forehead veins they give you money? Yeah, they do in my commissary.
Oh, my God! [Pennsatucky.]
Hmm? That is fucking genius.
I don't know.
I've been having some feelings about it.
Did you know I didn't shoot that nurse lady for any type of holy righteous thing like they all think? I, uh I got really mad and she hurt my She hurt my feelings.
And sometimes I get this I get this really bad temper.
Phew.
[stammers.]
You still like me or [laughing.]
Oh, Doggett don't you know what this means? Yeah.
I'm going to hell.
No, no.
It means you're the normal one.
I mean, come on some bitch insulted you, so you shot her? Now, to me, that makes a hell of a lot more sense than shooting a complete stranger that you've demonized for your own agenda.
I mean, being too militant about anything never ends well.
Those people, they're the nutbags.
- Yep.
- Yeah? - Yep.
- Yeah.
I get it.
Yeah! I need to stop taking nuts from nutbags.
All right.
It's time to right my wrongs.
[clears throat.]
[stammers.]
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I said.
I don't care what you want.
I'm not fucking wearing it! Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time? Because you're such a good role model.
Do you want the kids to make fun of you? There's good attention and there's bad attention, Carrie.
I do not understand why you have to always make things so difficult for yourself! - I swear to God! - [man.]
What the hell's going on? You know, I give up.
I give up! Well, that's nice.
Are you fucking kidding me? Enough with the "fuckings.
" We get that you're a teenager.
- I look like a thumb in a dress.
- You know how happy it'll make her.
You're aware of how stupid that is, right? That I have to go out and pretend to be something I'm not to make her happy? One day we're asking from you.
I can't go to school like this.
I won't.
Well, you don't have a choice.
Here's how it works.
You go, you sit, you smile, they flash the little bulb.
Mom has a picture of you to show Grandma that won't make her have another stroke and you keep wearing clothes from the boys' section at JC Penney's on every other day of the year.
- Everyone's happy.
- Yeah, except me.
Boy, it must be exhausting.
All those raging hormones.
Look, I'll buy you a root beer.
I'll put a bendy straw in it.
Do this for your father who has to live with your mother.
Please.
Fine.
But you're both assholes.
There's my sweet little buttercup! Library later? I have a headache.
What are you? A '50s housewife? We haven't had sex in a week.
Lesbian bed death.
It's a thing.
Look it up.
Yeah, I'm familiar with it, and it's bullshit.
[Piper.]
Hmm.
Come on, maybe we can't hate-fuck anymore, but we can still love-fuck, right? - Love-fuck? - Yeah.
Oh, that's so unappealing, my nipples inverted.
Come on.
It's the only thing that feels normal to me right now.
Which should tell you how messed up I am.
Let me feel your normals.
Alex, can we drop this? God, you're acting so pissy.
It's making me kind of hot.
Not today, okay? Stop.
Is this about Nicky? I miss her, too.
But she, of all people, would want us getting off in her honor.
[scoffs.]
You're the worst.
Oh, shit.
It's June 7th.
[laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
- Can you not tell anyone, please? [whispers.]
Because you know how I feel about June 7ths.
Okay.
Your wish is my command, princess.
Oh, that'd be a fun role-play.
Genie and Aladdin.
"Free me from this lamp, street urchin!" No? All right, we'll work up to it.
[Caputo.]
Good, good, good, good.
Hope you're enjoying the provisions, folks.
We're gonna need you to put your best caffeinated foot forward today.
- Where's the cream? - No cream.
Fig always bought cream.
[Caputo sighs.]
Let's go.
Sit down.
How long is this gonna take? Remember a week ago, when you were all crying about losing your jobs? Remember how horrible that was gonna be? Hmm? Well, good old Joe here might have found a solution to the problem.
Now it's your turn to help yourselves.
Yes? Did you just refer to yourself in the third person? [Caputo sighs deeply.]
[Bell.]
I don't trust these people.
Who buys property without any comps in the neighborhood? Can't be a good investment.
They're not buying it all right? Litchfield will remain a federal property.
MCC would manage it and retain any profits.
Look, guys, it's a long shot.
They're considering several facilities at the moment but I convinced them that we were worth being on that list.
[Donaldson.]
So, you lied to them.
[all chuckling.]
I merely let them know that we're a good bet.
Sounds like lying.
[both laughing.]
There are many misconceptions about the costs and difficulty associated with female prisons, which I will clear up for them on the tour today.
These poochies be difficult.
For real, though.
[O'Neill stifling laughter.]
[Caputo sighing.]
Look, help me out.
Don't be stupid.
I've already prepped a few inmates.
If you see something these people shouldn't see, solve the problem quickly and quietly.
Managing this place for the Feds? I don't like the smell of that.
How does unemployment smell? [sniffs.]
Good? Smells good to you? Yo, you kept me up all night and now I gotta eat with your ass, too? Man, don't say "eat" and "ass" so close together while I'm trying to eat breakfast.
Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Technically, there's only one side of the bed because the other side is up against the partition, which wouldn't allow - Will you shut the hell up? - Shit, it's too early for this.
You know what? Somebody wanna explain to me why she's sitting with us, anyway? I mean, since when did we start chilling with bitch-ass followers who beat the shit out of people just 'cause some crazy lunatic says to? Sound like some vengeful Simon Says bullshit, if you ask me.
I was just clarifying the bed issue.
Clarity is important.
"You should be meticulous with your words.
" [scoffs.]
That's what Vee would say.
[chuckles.]
Except she don't say shit now 'cause everybody be saying, "That bitch got smushed like a bug on a windshield.
" - [Black Cindy.]
Here we go.
- No.
No.
You're a liar.
She's fine! Vee is fine! She's coming back for me! Hey, hey, hey.
Take care of your girl.
I ain't her keeper.
It's you or the SHU.
- You wanna be responsible for that? - Really? [Poussey clicks tongue.]
[tray clatters.]
Suzanne, sit down.
P switch seats and don't talk to her! You wanna carry that grudge, be my guest, but I don't see how them scrawny chicken legs can stand the extra weight.
[Black Cindy chuckles.]
My legs ain't scrawny they're proportional.
Hey, hey.
- Nicky will be okay.
- [weakly.]
How do you know? I don't.
I just It's a thing people say, right? [Lorna sobs.]
I'll get your tray.
[Dayanara sighs heavily.]
Yo, careful, you're gonna splatter.
That mother fucker.
- Bennett fucked Aleida? - No, you idiot.
Oh, like that's such a crazy question.
[exclaims.]
These eggs smell like ass.
Gloria must have used that fart seasoning.
[both laughing.]
[Maritza speaking Spanish.]
Yo, you're fucking children, yo.
I can't deal with it today.
[sobbing softly.]
[sighs.]
"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth " Really, "lieth"? You can't say that word without a lisp.
Who are these people kidding? God was the original fag.
Look I happen to think this church of hers isn't deserving of the title, and we have a deal but don't push me.
You're right, Sister.
My bad.
[clears throat.]
"As he lieth with woman, they are both committing an abomination, they shall surely be put to death, their blood will be upon them.
" Boom.
- And? - Leviticus, 24601.
- Not Jean Val-jeanâÃÂÃÂs prison number.
- Good catch.
- Thou shalt not make musical references.
- Why not? Because that's, like, the gayest thing on the planet and even I know that.
That is an ugly stereotype about gay men.
See, everybody knows my people are stage managers, not performers.
Oh, remember to talk about the light a lot.
Walking into the light.
Following the light.
That's good.
Yep.
Remember that, Boo.
[Sister Ingalls.]
Are you sure you're prepared for this? Eastberg Baptist is all hate, all the time.
Jesus' girlfriend's got a real good point.
'Cause licking gravy boats has kind of been your whole thing.
And Reverend Lawlor, he's got a lot of opinions.
Okay, look.
Nobody is talking about conceding my hard-earned position as Lord of the Lesbians.
I'm just embracing the gray areas to make a buck.
Black and white, that's for zebras and Michael Jackson.
- Wait, ain't he dead? - Exactly.
Here you go, Sister.
- In lieu of a mattress.
- Oh.
Pleasure doing business with you.
And finally, what led you to see how far you strayed from the Christian life, Miss Black? Oh.
Well [sighs.]
I hadn't found the right man, of course.
But then this chubby Santa Claus-looking guard showed up, and boom! One look at his meaty ass and I was sticky in the knickers for monogamous hetero love.
[imitates retching.]
[laughing.]
- [hip-hop music playing.]
- [woman.]
Whoo! [Big Boo.]
Hey, girl.
- [bartender.]
You okay? - Yeah.
How's it look? Oh, clear skies with 100% chance of pussy after midnight.
- I'm talking about the Browns game.
- Oh! Five point spread.
Steelers.
Fuckers! All right.
I'll take our boys - Yeah.
- ATS.
Good luck.
Ha! Hey, Marcus.
Tell your boy over there he owes me 200 by Monday.
Cut him some slack.
That is not the business that I'm in, my brother.
[Big Boo exclaims.]
[Marcus.]
Oh, I know this one.
- Well, hello there.
- Hi.
Rum and Coke, right? I'm very intuitive.
- It's my favorite.
- Yeah? Tastes like vacation in a cup.
[stammers.]
That was the stupidest thing I've ever said.
- Uh, my name's Carrie.
- Tracy.
Tracy? Well it is nice to meet you.
[Big Boo laughing.]
I'm having such a good time with you.
- No, it's It's okay, isn't it? - [Tracy laughs.]
Oh, oh.
[gasps.]
Look where you are.
I live really close to here.
Do you wanna go there and have another drink? - Yeah, let's do that.
- [chuckles.]
Let's do that.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Fucking dykes.
Are you fucking kidding me? You think you're a tough guy, you cocktail wiener? Answer me, you fuckwad! I should fucking kill you, you fucking asshole! I'll stuff your little cock down your throat! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here! That's right.
Run, you homophobic little bitch! Um I'm going home.
What? Don't let that little shit ruin our night.
You ruined our night.
Seriously? You can't blame a stupid kid when you're the poster child for all things butch! You were so hot before you were a cunt.
What the fuck happened to you to make you so angry? Oh, I wish I had some sob story that would explain everything.
Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar.
Ain't no dramatic origin story here.
Just a big old dyke who refuses to apologize for it.
You know, c'est moi you prissy, homophobic, self-hating bitch.
It was really great meeting you.
[groans.]
Fuck.
Thank you so much for coming.
Joe Caputo.
Hi, Joe.
We spoke on the phone.
Elizabeth Wilkinson, SVP of Acquisitions.
Yes, hi.
- Jack.
SVP of Strategic Planning.
- Jack.
- Robert.
SVP of Development.
- Robert.
Well, thank you so much for hearing us out today.
I think you will find that Litchfield will make a great addition to your company.
Not according to our cost analysis.
[chuckles.]
Hey there.
- Joe Caputo.
- Oh.
Hey.
Danny Pearson.
Good to meet you.
Hey, I remember those days.
Don't let them get you down.
Oh, yeah.
This is - Hey, can I ask you something? - Sure thing.
Am I dressed appropriately? I'm new and the e-mail said no khaki, and then I wasn't sure whether to go dressy or casual.
And the more I thought about it, slacks just seemed I don't know.
You ever worry about throwing your freedom of choice in their faces like you're showing off to the women? We prefer to call them "inmates.
" - And you look just fine, Danny.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
Let's get started, huh? I mean, you would have died.
Second row.
Can you even I could basically smell Trey Anastasio's BO.
Oh, and Brittani with an "I," not a "Y " she totally smuggled in, like, an eighth of that strawberry Kush hybrid that Feinberg's been growing.
[exclaims.]
It was such a killer night.
Anyway, I miss you.
[sarcastically.]
That's so fun, Meadow.
[laughs awkwardly.]
Are you okay? Mmm No.
Everyone's been talking about you.
You know, how badass it is that you're actually here.
How the rest of us, we wouldn't be able to survive in prison.
But look at you.
You're doing it.
It is so cool.
Oh.
Are you fucking kidding me? Your vibe's different.
Are you sure you're okay? If this is about the Pema ChÃÂdrÃÂn fight we had right before you left, - it's really not a big deal - Prison is not cool.
Being here is not cool.
It's not brave or admirable or courageous.
It's stupid.
[scoffs.]
I feel stupid for being in here and stupid for thinking that it wouldn't ruin my life and that it would be okay.
And I'm not surviving.
I'm just existing.
You know, I drove, like, three hours to get here, right? Well you don't have to ever again.
I don't even know what to do with him any more.
Benito Mendoza look at me.
Right now.
You see? He's like a serial killer, no emotion.
Talking about him like he's not at the table won't help.
You want to raise your own kids? Go right ahead.
I'm sorry.
You know how thankful I am for you.
Gloria.
He's impossible.
And he's so strong now.
The bigger he gets, the more out of control I feel.
He kicks, he yells.
Last week, he slammed the door so hard, the plaster split from one side of the door to the other.
[snickering.]
[speaking English.]
Oh, you think that's funny? You listen to me.
You think you hot shit? You think because I messed up, you're gonna follow in your mother's footsteps? Well, let me tell you something, you're dead wrong.
From now on, you're gonna come here.
Every week, you're gonna bring your homework.
And if you don't, I will make your life a living hell even from in here.
Try me.
I'll call my brothers from Washington Heights and they will hang your ass over that bridge until you piss on yourself and it comes running down your body into your mouth.
That's the kind of shit they live for.
Every week, Benito.
You hear me, little boy? Every week.
And how you think he's going to get here every week, mother of the year? You think I got time to drive him? [scoffs.]
[Healy.]
Here let me get that.
- Here.
- [Red.]
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Well, you didn't have to say all those nice things about me to Katya, either.
[Red.]
Your Russian really must be terrible.
- You called me a good man.
- I only said what I believed.
Are you all right? Your eyes look glassy.
I feel like I lost a child.
I'm sorry, Galina.
I thought I could save her.
[sighs.]
If someone jumps into shark-infested waters you can't jump in after them.
[Caputo.]
Cafeteria.
[Crazy Eyes.]
I know.
I told them that she's doing fine, that she's sitting under She's sitting under a tree somewhere, eating a Pink Lady apple.
Oh! Oh.
'Cause Vee loves Pink Lady apples.
And she's thinking about me just like I'm thinking about her.
It's gonna work out.
How much are you spending on meals? $1.
79 per inmate per meal.
$5.
37 a day.
We find that women eat less than men, so we're able to keep our food costs low.
The national average is $1.
58.
We've heard some discouraging things about housing a female population.
Do you find it's more difficult because of their health requirements? [sniffling.]
You know, the great thing is, the ladies here are all synced up.
So it's a real rough couple of days, but at least it's not spread out, you know? I grew up with three sisters and a mother in the house, so, we had to batten down the hatches.
Lucky I made it out of there alive.
Let's move on to the kitchen.
Inmate Mendoza, glad you can join us.
What's on the menu today? Food.
It's a Cuban garbanzo bean stew-type thingy.
We got a whole case of it last week, and Gloria, she figured out a way how to stretch them after we picked out all the rotten ones.
[Caputo.]
We find that our inmates are one of our best assets.
They are very resourceful, and we rely on them to help us get through the day.
Yeah, like this one time, everyone got the shits real bad from eating old pork or whatever, so we served white bread for the next couple of days.
It was real good for the tummy.
It sopped up all the badness.
Hey, Joe, are you guys on the codified national meal schedule? You know, I'm I'm not sure about - I'm gonna look into that, Danny.
- Great, take your time.
Yeah, let's keep moving, huh? Right this way.
When are you two gonna learn how to shut up? You're like Lucy and Ethel without the charm.
- We was just trying to help.
- You wanna help? Start by shutting up and doing what I ask you to do.
Stop gabbing while you're serving.
Stop thinking that anyone needs you to do more than your job.
Jeez.
- You got your period? - Yes.
Me, too.
[gasps.]
Oh.
It all makes sense now.
If you follow the power cord, - it'll lead you - I know.
I'm just saying, it'll lead you to the fuse.
I don't need your help - you disgusting little vole.
- [scoffs.]
Don't you talk to me.
Don't you look at me.
And go ahead give me a shot for being insubordinate.
I don't give a fuck.
[scoffs.]
Am I at least allowed to ask what a vole is? [Caputo.]
Right this way.
Chapman, how are we doing today? We are doing so great, Mr.
Caputo.
Would you mind explaining what it is you're doing today, for our guests? Absolutely.
The microwave it stopped working yesterday, so I'm trying to fix it.
By assigning our inmates work duty, we avoid the exorbitant cost of hiring outside contractors.
Everybody contributes to the community.
Well, not everyone.
Some people try to destroy it.
What seems to be the problem there? The thermal fuse blew.
And you can fix that by yourself, honey? Well, I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.
[Wilkinson snickers.]
Thank you, Chapman.
Right this way.
We're gonna make you look real natural.
Don't worry.
[Sophia.]
Mmm.
Go ahead and call me Jesus from now on, 'cause this bitch just worked a miracle.
It really is something.
Yeah, it's definitely something.
[Big Boo chuckling.]
Man, I cannot wait to fleece this motherfucker.
I'm actually, like, all tingly and shit.
Okay.
All finished.
- [Big Boo.]
Show me my big, beautiful self! - Okay, almost there.
- Just hold on, all right? - [Big Boo.]
All right.
- There we go.
- [Big Boo.]
Uh-huh.
Oh, I love this part! This is like that TV show where they gave those ladies the plastic surgery makeover and then all their problems just went away after.
Okay, here we go.
[Lorna shrieking.]
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I can't help it.
I just love makeovers and you look so pretty.
Boo, you look fucking weird.
What? She does.
No, um I look like my mother.
[woman moaning.]
Carrie! Oh! Oh, God! [both moaning.]
[woman.]
Oh, my God! [both groaning.]
[both laughing.]
Fuck, I love you.
Says the girl who just came.
I don't see why that's not a perfectly valid reason to love someone.
Well [sighs.]
And do you know why I love you? - Because I have great tits? - Exactly.
[both laughing.]
Jesus, don't get me going again, girl.
[Big Boo chuckles.]
Can I ask you something? Not if it's about my mother.
Carrie, come on.
Talk to me.
Remember when we were fucking? Gee, that was fun.
Your mom is sick and you're not gonna go see her? That's not normal.
You're right, I'm not normal.
I'm queer.
[gasps.]
Wait, did you not know we were lesbos? My bad, I should have told you.
You must have been very confused.
Look, I don't get why you're holding on to this.
Look at you, you're living your life, you have me.
You don't have to keep fighting the world.
I mean, isn't forgiving her easier than not? Oh, Christ.
I don't fucking know.
Look, I'm worried if you don't go see her, you're gonna regret it.
Those little baskets of seashells everywhere really freak me out.
- It's weird living back home.
- [Piper.]
Right.
They said it was going to be two weeks, and yet it's been six.
The sustainable wood for the micro-house is on backorder.
Isn't that amazing? Who would have thought that wood could be on backorder? [laughs.]
Are they waiting for the trees to grow? [laughs.]
Are you waiting for the oceans to rise and reclaim their bounty? [Piper laughing.]
Oh.
Isn't this fun? What's with your new look? Did you join a World War II reenactment group? Well, that's dark.
Cal's gotten into the postmodern ice-cream movement.
Been doing some really interesting experiments with nitrogen.
I'm working on a BLT flavor at this moment.
And, when we get enough money, we're gonna open an old-fashioned ice cream parlor but with future-now flavors for an experiential mash-up.
So I decided to, you know, - perfect my look, now.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'm bidding online for a wearable bass drum as we speak.
- It's all happening.
- [chuckling.]
[Carol.]
Enough about us.
How's your birthday, darling? Did you get any presents from your prison friends? I haven't told anyone it's my birthday, so, nope, no presents.
[stammers.]
Are you not gonna say anything? I don't have anything to say.
[Bill clears throat.]
Then why did you come? Because it's your birthday, Piper.
Have I ever missed your birthday? I'm sorry, I can't just sit here and make small talk.
You don't have to, I'm not size-ist.
You can talk big, you could talk medium? You're 32.
You're getting further and further behind in life.
[sighs.]
I'm frustrated that we can't seem to help you.
Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
Maybe this right now, is making me a better person.
[scoffs.]
I'm learning more Spanish and I can fix things.
I'm a part of a community and I have a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend that I love.
So, there.
Saw that coming.
So, does that mean you're officially It means that I officially have a girlfriend.
Dear God.
You know, I find myself saying that phrase, too, a lot.
But with a different inflection and [panting.]
breathier.
Dear [inhales sharply.]
God! [gasps.]
- [Piper yelping.]
- [Cal.]
Whoa! Happy birthday! [man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hi, there.
Need something? Well, I'm sorry to bother you.
I just I wanted you to have these.
I thought they might brighten your day.
Rose seeds? Oh, is that what they are? I don't have a green thumb, so It says "rose" right there on the package.
I was in a hurry after lunch, so They'll be a lovely addition to the garden.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How you gonna love a song that just, like, lists the days of the week? Like it's Sesame Street or some shit? That's only one teeny part.
The rest is all, "Tonight's gonna be a good night.
" It makes me feel optimistic about the evening we gonna have and shit.
You know we in prison though, right? Whatever, man, they all sellouts anyway.
Man [mimics phone ringing.]
Hello? One second, please.
Poussey Washington, it's the Black Eyed Peas calling for you.
They wanna give you all the moneys.
All you got to do is sing the days of the week and be famous.
- All the moneys? - All the moneys! Um - No.
- Ooh.
Man, you're bullshitting! You're bullshitting.
If that's the case, I could be a famous rapper.
You know what I'm saying, like - January, February, March - [Poussey.]
Oh, what you got? April, May and June July, August, September Shit, yo! I'm gonna turn this shit up.
We all know what it's like to move.
- All the boxes, the schlepping - [Poussey.]
Yo! Hey, who the fuck is that? - Yo, it's Judy King, man! - The chef lady.
Yo, she ain't just a chef, man.
She's an entertainment and lifestyle specialist.
Yo, she cooks the food, and then she shows you how to present it, right? Putting little sprigs of rosemary on the plate, putting it on a bed of moss and shit.
[chuckles.]
Presentation is everything.
Did you just say "sprig"? Raspberry buttermilk pie.
It's my way of saying [snoring.]
[exclaims.]
I've seen this one before.
That raspberry buttermilk pie turns out real nice.
Even when white folks try to be exciting, they still boring.
Yeah, I was asleep.
[laughs.]
Yo, what the fuck? Look.
Man, that girl is gonna be the death of me.
Let her ass go to the SHU.
Right this way.
[Caputo.]
Sure, yeah.
This is our TV room.
[Poussey.]
Go, go.
You gotta go.
[Crazy Eyes.]
Ow.
Ow.
White people and other.
And we'll be going uh, this way.
Right this way.
[exhales.]
Hey, hands up over your head.
[Crazy Eyes whimpering.]
[stammers.]
Vee came to me.
And she told me to follow her but my feet weren't fast enough.
[Taystee.]
Okay.
And I missed her, Taystee.
I missed her.
Suzanne you have to listen to me.
- Vee wasn't here.
- Yes, she Vee's dead.
- No, she's not! - Yes, she is! - She is not! No, she's not! - Vee is dead, Suzanne! Vee is dead! Vee is dead! Vee is dead! [sobbing.]
She's gone.
Yes she's gone.
I am so sorry.
Me, too.
- Need a little help, there? - Nope, I've got it.
Thank you.
I called you my girlfriend.
What? To who? To my parents and my brother and my brother's wife.
[exhales.]
- That's a bold move, Chapman.
- I know.
I didn't even mean to say it.
It just It just came out.
And now Now, I can't stop thinking about it.
Do you want to pass me a note and have me circle yes or no? I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend.
- [chuckles.]
Oh, no? - No.
Definitely not.
I just thought I thought that it was weird.
It's totally weird.
You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed.
Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands.
So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it.
Will you be my girlfriend? [laughing.]
- Yeah.
- Yes? Yes, you idiot.
She said "yes.
" - Good for you, hon.
- Mazel tov! I have something for you.
- It's a non-birthday gift.
- Okay.
Here.
What is this? Is this a list of songs? Well, I couldn't make you a mix, so I wrote down the songs I would've put on the mix if we were, like normal people and not weird prison girlfriends.
Um Okay, Only You, Yaz.
You Wouldn't Like Me, Tegan and Sara.
- The Pussy is Mine, Miguel.
- Miguel.
This is so nice, and so gay.
- I know.
- Thank you.
Mr.
Caputo, I need to speak to you.
Uh, I'm sure it's something your counselor would be happy to assist you with, inmate.
It's about one of your guards.
As you can see, I am very busy at the moment.
So, I will make every effort to try and find you tomorrow.
It's about CO Bennett.
[chuckles nervously.]
Excuse me.
Please.
What the hell do you want? He hasn't been here for two weeks.
I haven't heard nothing from him.
Please, Mr.
Caputo, you gotta know where he is.
You gotta know something.
I am gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are not a complete moron, despite that stupid, stupid power move you just tried to pull.
Which means you can make the same assumption I've made about Bennett, he is gone.
- No.
- And he is not coming back.
Unfortunately for you, inmate, not everyone around here is locked up.
[Elizabeth.]
Mr.
Caputo I hate to be presumptive, but was that inmate pregnant? This is a good example of our concerns.
The costs associated with a birth while the inmate is in our care.
And they're prohibitive, to say the least.
Great thing about men, they don't have uterus'ÃÂÃÂs.
She's not pregnant.
And quite frankly, you should never assume that about a woman.
Phew! I've learned that one the hard way.
Well, a big hetero hello to all of you.
You buying this? Anybody? Yes? No? Thank you.
[man on PA.]
Code blue in room 23.
Code blue, room 23.
Carrie.
Hey, Pop.
[sighs.]
[Big Boo.]
Hi.
You okay? [scoffs.]
Of course, not.
That was stupid, huh? I can't believe you're here.
It's been so many years, Carrie.
Well, you know she's my mother.
I'm here now.
You won't even recognize her, she's so frail.
I can handle it, Pop.
I I don't think she can.
What, you mean the sight of her dyke daughter is going to make her worse? Carrie would it kill you to put on some other clothes before you see her? Well, these are my good Chucks, Pop.
You know what I mean.
Gosh I'm so fucking tired.
[sighs heavily.]
I have been her daughter for 42 years.
Now don't you think she could have taken some of that time to work on accepting me for who I am, rather than mourning every fucking thing that I am not? I understand that whatever this is, is important to you, but it's a costume, that's all.
The rest of us, we get up, put on a suit and a tie, we go to work.
You think that's how I wanted to dress five days a week? No, of course not.
But no one gets the privilege of being themselves all the time, Carrie.
No one.
Now, if you want to go in there and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you.
But you need to decide whether your costume is worth what it's costing you.
I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad.
All my life.
Strangers, girlfriends, fuck, even my own parents all asking me to be something that I am not.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? Like, your whole fucking existence is being denied, like "Whoa, you'd be better off if you were invisible"? Yeah.
I refuse to be invisible, Daddy.
Not for you, not for Mom not for anybody.
[sighs.]
So, um I'm sorry.
[crying softly.]
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hi, there.
You must be the Reverend Lawlor.
Carrie, it's a pleasure.
I've heard such impressive things from Tiffany.
- Please.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, she's told me really great things about your holy work, sir.
So, it sounds like you've been on quite a journey.
Using your time here to get back on the right path? It's a testament to the power of prison rehabilitation.
Oh, absolutely, yes.
You know, there's so much time here to think reflect on life regrets on sin.
Yeah.
Tell me more about that.
Forgive me, I just I get so emotional when I have to talk about this.
You know, like the Bible says "If man also lie with mankind the way he lieth with woman " "Both have committed an abomination.
" - Amen.
Exactly.
- You're not alone.
I've talked to so many people like yourself.
Faggots who have committed disgusting acts before admitting that they'd fallen prey to this illness.
I hope you don't mind my asking what was it that turned you to the light? Well, I just, I prayed.
A lot.
And then Jesus came in me To me, sorry.
Jesus came to me with so much love.
- Praise the Lord.
- Mmm-hmm.
Reverend, Tiffany said that you might be able to take up a collection to help support me as I continue my walk on the path of decency.
Stories like yours really resonate with the congregation.
The narrative of the reformed sinner spreading the gospel.
And let me tell you, your story, a tale of wickedness and depravity, a thieving dyke.
Well, that should make for a compelling inspirational pamphlet.
[chuckles.]
Of course, we'll need to cover that tattoo of yours for the photo.
[scoffs.]
- Reverend Lawlor? - Are you all right? Yes, I'm just trying to remember the passage.
Oh, yes it's Corinthians 69.
I think it goes "Suck my big fat dyke dick, you fucking hateful piece of shit!" - Fuck you! What? - All right, settle down.
- That's enough.
- I'm good.
Jesus was a fag.
He said, "This is my body.
Eat me.
" - Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you.
I appreciate your time.
- It was very informative.
- Thank you.
- All right, Joe, thanks.
- Thank you.
Drive safe.
Watch yourself on Route So? I'd polish up that résumé if I were you, Ford.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
Can I have one of those? Get the fuck out of here.
[scoffs.]
What the hell is wrong with all of you? I swear to God, you were my kid [scoffs.]
If you were my kid, you'd still be fucked up.
Please.
I need something.
You okay? He's gone.
I know.
Fucking piece of shit.
Like all of them.
Yep.
Can't believe he just left us.
It's not the worst thing that'll happen to that kid.
[Pennsatucky.]
I'm glad you're back.
Seeing you like that was scarier than seein' that dolphin penis at SeaWorld.
Around all that water, it looked out of place, you know.
Some ladies just ain't meant to look lady-like.
Now, my mother would disagree.
She'd say, "Don't be a salmon.
" Is that a vagina thing? No.
Salmon, they swim upstream against the current.
Oh.
Wish I'd said goodbye to her.
- But I was dumb.
- Mmm-mmm.
Today, you were brave.
Ha! Horseshit.
I got six weeks extra work duty.
Yeah, but you stood up for yourself, and that's more than I can say.
No, I just showed them who I really am.
A big, stupid, stubborn pussy-loving dyke.
Hey, well, listen, if that's who you are, then that's who you are.
And there's no use in fightin' it, and if you ain't gonna fight it, you might as well embrace it, or else you're living in purgatory.
Fuck yeah.
Here's to heaven or hell and nothing in between.
- Boom! - Boom.
Probably hell, though.
I mean, who the fuck am I kidding? Oh.
[clears throat.]
You need to start brushing.
- [groaning.]
- No, trust me on this.
Seriously, take it.
Thank you.
- Really? - [chuckles.]
Yeah, really.
All right, I'll give it a go, but I'm telling you, it's just a waste of my time.
Oh, there is no wiser schmuck than you, my friend.
- Yeah, no shit.
Guess what? - Hmm? I'm still taking their money.
[laughing.]
I renounce thee, Satan.
Oh, bring that in.
Yes! Whoo! - [Pennsatucky.]
Bunch of chumps.
- Mmm.
Tomorrow, we'll talk about flossing.
- The string? - Yeah, with the string.
- Fuck that.
- No, it's important.
[phone ringing.]
- Joe Caputo.
- Joe, Danny Pearson.
Danny, of course.
I hope you don't mind me calling this late.
No, not at all.
Did you make it home okay? I know that last turn at the end, that left, it's confusing.
Yeah, I made it just fine.
Um, look, I'll keep it short.
MCC is gonna be taking over Litchfield, effective as soon as the paperwork goes through.
Holy shit! I'm sorry.
I just I thought everything that could have gone wrong on that tour, did.
Yeah, well, it was a real shit show.
But we toured the maximum security facility before we came to visit you guys, and with the number of bodies down there, and the potential for the unused space, it was a no-brainer.
Wow.
This is gonna be such a relief for a lot of people around here, Danny.
Thank your bosses for me.
Oh, I'm glad.
I gotta run right now, but I look forward to working with you, Joe.
Likewise.
Hey, Danny, thank you so much, huh? Take care.
[exhales.]
Whoo-Hoo! Whoo-Hoo! [laughing.]
[exclaims.]
[snoring.]
Huh? Oh, hell, no! Too far, too far.
Okay.
I hear you.
[upbeat hip-hop playing.]
[cell door slams.]
- [inmates snoring.]
- [Crazy Eyes.]
No! Vee! Vee! No, Vee.
[whimpers.]
Vee, Vee! Vee.
Vee! Vee! - [Taystee groaning.]
- Vee! Vee! Vee! Shut the fuck up! Yeah, I've been trying to get some sleep around here! - What in the hell is wrong with you? - [inmate.]
Trying to sleep.
I'm so tired of this shit.
Vee's in trouble.
I gotta tell her about the dragon that's coming.
It was a dream, crazy pants.
You were dreaming.
- What? - Sit your ass down.
[sighs heavily.]
- Just a dream? - [Black Cindy.]
Yes! Like yesterday and the day before that! Shit! [inmates muttering.]
- [Poussey bangs wall.]
- [gasps.]
[inmate.]
Damn it! - [Poussey huffs.]
- [whispering.]
Sorry.
[mouthing.]
[snoring.]
[Bell on PA.]
Rise and shine, ladies.
- Another crappy day in prison.
- [inmates groaning.]
[exhales.]
[Crazy Eyes scatting.]
- [whistling.]
- [inmate.]
Shut up! [inhaling deeply.]
It smells like her.
You wouldn't understand it, you're not a parent.
But the top of your head, right here it always smells like you.
From the time you're an infant, until you're a fucked-up adult.
Luschek is the fuck up.
Bullshit.
Luschek wasn't lying.
That baggie was hers.
She told me herself.
A junkie and a hoarder.
He is still the reason that she is down there.
He did not need to name her.
Being angry at him is a waste of time.
Seems more productive than sniffing an old hairbrush.
Hey, Pennsa-fucky.
Hey, you know that Pennsatucky's a nickname.
Mmm-hmm.
So, you don't gotta change it.
It's already a name that's not my name.
Yes, but there's always room to riff.
Can I borrow some toothpaste? My commissary's low.
No, I don't got none.
Big Boobs.
Nice one.
How do you not have any toothpaste? 'Cause I don't need any toothpaste.
These babies are porcelain.
[laughing.]
You know, I sure as hell ain't a dentist, but I don't think that's how it works.
Why? 'Cause you think the Queen of England's just sittin' around, ordering her butler or whatever to clean the fancy china with Colgate? No, of course not.
Because plates don't get cavities and neither do these bad boys.
Man your parents didn't really even do the bare minimum with you.
Oh.
I see your evangeli-crazy fan club is still going full swing.
[imitates sermonizing preacher.]
"Blood will be shed for the murdered babies.
We shall stand together and rejoice as the transgressors' [in normal voice.]
skin crackles in the fires of hell.
" Jesus fucking Christ, that is terrifying.
When you hear it out loud, I see your point.
"Reverend Lawlor circulated your prison ID number.
We hope that you've received our donation, and that you'll " Hold up.
Hmm? These pulsing forehead veins they give you money? Yeah, they do in my commissary.
Oh, my God! [Pennsatucky.]
Hmm? That is fucking genius.
I don't know.
I've been having some feelings about it.
Did you know I didn't shoot that nurse lady for any type of holy righteous thing like they all think? I, uh I got really mad and she hurt my She hurt my feelings.
And sometimes I get this I get this really bad temper.
Phew.
[stammers.]
You still like me or [laughing.]
Oh, Doggett don't you know what this means? Yeah.
I'm going to hell.
No, no.
It means you're the normal one.
I mean, come on some bitch insulted you, so you shot her? Now, to me, that makes a hell of a lot more sense than shooting a complete stranger that you've demonized for your own agenda.
I mean, being too militant about anything never ends well.
Those people, they're the nutbags.
- Yep.
- Yeah? - Yep.
- Yeah.
I get it.
Yeah! I need to stop taking nuts from nutbags.
All right.
It's time to right my wrongs.
[clears throat.]
[stammers.]
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I said.
I don't care what you want.
I'm not fucking wearing it! Why do you have to be such a bitch all the time? Because you're such a good role model.
Do you want the kids to make fun of you? There's good attention and there's bad attention, Carrie.
I do not understand why you have to always make things so difficult for yourself! - I swear to God! - [man.]
What the hell's going on? You know, I give up.
I give up! Well, that's nice.
Are you fucking kidding me? Enough with the "fuckings.
" We get that you're a teenager.
- I look like a thumb in a dress.
- You know how happy it'll make her.
You're aware of how stupid that is, right? That I have to go out and pretend to be something I'm not to make her happy? One day we're asking from you.
I can't go to school like this.
I won't.
Well, you don't have a choice.
Here's how it works.
You go, you sit, you smile, they flash the little bulb.
Mom has a picture of you to show Grandma that won't make her have another stroke and you keep wearing clothes from the boys' section at JC Penney's on every other day of the year.
- Everyone's happy.
- Yeah, except me.
Boy, it must be exhausting.
All those raging hormones.
Look, I'll buy you a root beer.
I'll put a bendy straw in it.
Do this for your father who has to live with your mother.
Please.
Fine.
But you're both assholes.
There's my sweet little buttercup! Library later? I have a headache.
What are you? A '50s housewife? We haven't had sex in a week.
Lesbian bed death.
It's a thing.
Look it up.
Yeah, I'm familiar with it, and it's bullshit.
[Piper.]
Hmm.
Come on, maybe we can't hate-fuck anymore, but we can still love-fuck, right? - Love-fuck? - Yeah.
Oh, that's so unappealing, my nipples inverted.
Come on.
It's the only thing that feels normal to me right now.
Which should tell you how messed up I am.
Let me feel your normals.
Alex, can we drop this? God, you're acting so pissy.
It's making me kind of hot.
Not today, okay? Stop.
Is this about Nicky? I miss her, too.
But she, of all people, would want us getting off in her honor.
[scoffs.]
You're the worst.
Oh, shit.
It's June 7th.
[laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
- Can you not tell anyone, please? [whispers.]
Because you know how I feel about June 7ths.
Okay.
Your wish is my command, princess.
Oh, that'd be a fun role-play.
Genie and Aladdin.
"Free me from this lamp, street urchin!" No? All right, we'll work up to it.
[Caputo.]
Good, good, good, good.
Hope you're enjoying the provisions, folks.
We're gonna need you to put your best caffeinated foot forward today.
- Where's the cream? - No cream.
Fig always bought cream.
[Caputo sighs.]
Let's go.
Sit down.
How long is this gonna take? Remember a week ago, when you were all crying about losing your jobs? Remember how horrible that was gonna be? Hmm? Well, good old Joe here might have found a solution to the problem.
Now it's your turn to help yourselves.
Yes? Did you just refer to yourself in the third person? [Caputo sighs deeply.]
[Bell.]
I don't trust these people.
Who buys property without any comps in the neighborhood? Can't be a good investment.
They're not buying it all right? Litchfield will remain a federal property.
MCC would manage it and retain any profits.
Look, guys, it's a long shot.
They're considering several facilities at the moment but I convinced them that we were worth being on that list.
[Donaldson.]
So, you lied to them.
[all chuckling.]
I merely let them know that we're a good bet.
Sounds like lying.
[both laughing.]
There are many misconceptions about the costs and difficulty associated with female prisons, which I will clear up for them on the tour today.
These poochies be difficult.
For real, though.
[O'Neill stifling laughter.]
[Caputo sighing.]
Look, help me out.
Don't be stupid.
I've already prepped a few inmates.
If you see something these people shouldn't see, solve the problem quickly and quietly.
Managing this place for the Feds? I don't like the smell of that.
How does unemployment smell? [sniffs.]
Good? Smells good to you? Yo, you kept me up all night and now I gotta eat with your ass, too? Man, don't say "eat" and "ass" so close together while I'm trying to eat breakfast.
Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Technically, there's only one side of the bed because the other side is up against the partition, which wouldn't allow - Will you shut the hell up? - Shit, it's too early for this.
You know what? Somebody wanna explain to me why she's sitting with us, anyway? I mean, since when did we start chilling with bitch-ass followers who beat the shit out of people just 'cause some crazy lunatic says to? Sound like some vengeful Simon Says bullshit, if you ask me.
I was just clarifying the bed issue.
Clarity is important.
"You should be meticulous with your words.
" [scoffs.]
That's what Vee would say.
[chuckles.]
Except she don't say shit now 'cause everybody be saying, "That bitch got smushed like a bug on a windshield.
" - [Black Cindy.]
Here we go.
- No.
No.
You're a liar.
She's fine! Vee is fine! She's coming back for me! Hey, hey, hey.
Take care of your girl.
I ain't her keeper.
It's you or the SHU.
- You wanna be responsible for that? - Really? [Poussey clicks tongue.]
[tray clatters.]
Suzanne, sit down.
P switch seats and don't talk to her! You wanna carry that grudge, be my guest, but I don't see how them scrawny chicken legs can stand the extra weight.
[Black Cindy chuckles.]
My legs ain't scrawny they're proportional.
Hey, hey.
- Nicky will be okay.
- [weakly.]
How do you know? I don't.
I just It's a thing people say, right? [Lorna sobs.]
I'll get your tray.
[Dayanara sighs heavily.]
Yo, careful, you're gonna splatter.
That mother fucker.
- Bennett fucked Aleida? - No, you idiot.
Oh, like that's such a crazy question.
[exclaims.]
These eggs smell like ass.
Gloria must have used that fart seasoning.
[both laughing.]
[Maritza speaking Spanish.]
Yo, you're fucking children, yo.
I can't deal with it today.
[sobbing softly.]
[sighs.]
"If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth " Really, "lieth"? You can't say that word without a lisp.
Who are these people kidding? God was the original fag.
Look I happen to think this church of hers isn't deserving of the title, and we have a deal but don't push me.
You're right, Sister.
My bad.
[clears throat.]
"As he lieth with woman, they are both committing an abomination, they shall surely be put to death, their blood will be upon them.
" Boom.
- And? - Leviticus, 24601.
- Not Jean Val-jeanâÃÂÃÂs prison number.
- Good catch.
- Thou shalt not make musical references.
- Why not? Because that's, like, the gayest thing on the planet and even I know that.
That is an ugly stereotype about gay men.
See, everybody knows my people are stage managers, not performers.
Oh, remember to talk about the light a lot.
Walking into the light.
Following the light.
That's good.
Yep.
Remember that, Boo.
[Sister Ingalls.]
Are you sure you're prepared for this? Eastberg Baptist is all hate, all the time.
Jesus' girlfriend's got a real good point.
'Cause licking gravy boats has kind of been your whole thing.
And Reverend Lawlor, he's got a lot of opinions.
Okay, look.
Nobody is talking about conceding my hard-earned position as Lord of the Lesbians.
I'm just embracing the gray areas to make a buck.
Black and white, that's for zebras and Michael Jackson.
- Wait, ain't he dead? - Exactly.
Here you go, Sister.
- In lieu of a mattress.
- Oh.
Pleasure doing business with you.
And finally, what led you to see how far you strayed from the Christian life, Miss Black? Oh.
Well [sighs.]
I hadn't found the right man, of course.
But then this chubby Santa Claus-looking guard showed up, and boom! One look at his meaty ass and I was sticky in the knickers for monogamous hetero love.
[imitates retching.]
[laughing.]
- [hip-hop music playing.]
- [woman.]
Whoo! [Big Boo.]
Hey, girl.
- [bartender.]
You okay? - Yeah.
How's it look? Oh, clear skies with 100% chance of pussy after midnight.
- I'm talking about the Browns game.
- Oh! Five point spread.
Steelers.
Fuckers! All right.
I'll take our boys - Yeah.
- ATS.
Good luck.
Ha! Hey, Marcus.
Tell your boy over there he owes me 200 by Monday.
Cut him some slack.
That is not the business that I'm in, my brother.
[Big Boo exclaims.]
[Marcus.]
Oh, I know this one.
- Well, hello there.
- Hi.
Rum and Coke, right? I'm very intuitive.
- It's my favorite.
- Yeah? Tastes like vacation in a cup.
[stammers.]
That was the stupidest thing I've ever said.
- Uh, my name's Carrie.
- Tracy.
Tracy? Well it is nice to meet you.
[Big Boo laughing.]
I'm having such a good time with you.
- No, it's It's okay, isn't it? - [Tracy laughs.]
Oh, oh.
[gasps.]
Look where you are.
I live really close to here.
Do you wanna go there and have another drink? - Yeah, let's do that.
- [chuckles.]
Let's do that.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Fucking dykes.
Are you fucking kidding me? You think you're a tough guy, you cocktail wiener? Answer me, you fuckwad! I should fucking kill you, you fucking asshole! I'll stuff your little cock down your throat! Get out of here! Get the fuck out of here! That's right.
Run, you homophobic little bitch! Um I'm going home.
What? Don't let that little shit ruin our night.
You ruined our night.
Seriously? You can't blame a stupid kid when you're the poster child for all things butch! You were so hot before you were a cunt.
What the fuck happened to you to make you so angry? Oh, I wish I had some sob story that would explain everything.
Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar.
Ain't no dramatic origin story here.
Just a big old dyke who refuses to apologize for it.
You know, c'est moi you prissy, homophobic, self-hating bitch.
It was really great meeting you.
[groans.]
Fuck.
Thank you so much for coming.
Joe Caputo.
Hi, Joe.
We spoke on the phone.
Elizabeth Wilkinson, SVP of Acquisitions.
Yes, hi.
- Jack.
SVP of Strategic Planning.
- Jack.
- Robert.
SVP of Development.
- Robert.
Well, thank you so much for hearing us out today.
I think you will find that Litchfield will make a great addition to your company.
Not according to our cost analysis.
[chuckles.]
Hey there.
- Joe Caputo.
- Oh.
Hey.
Danny Pearson.
Good to meet you.
Hey, I remember those days.
Don't let them get you down.
Oh, yeah.
This is - Hey, can I ask you something? - Sure thing.
Am I dressed appropriately? I'm new and the e-mail said no khaki, and then I wasn't sure whether to go dressy or casual.
And the more I thought about it, slacks just seemed I don't know.
You ever worry about throwing your freedom of choice in their faces like you're showing off to the women? We prefer to call them "inmates.
" - And you look just fine, Danny.
- Oh, great.
Thanks.
Let's get started, huh? I mean, you would have died.
Second row.
Can you even I could basically smell Trey Anastasio's BO.
Oh, and Brittani with an "I," not a "Y " she totally smuggled in, like, an eighth of that strawberry Kush hybrid that Feinberg's been growing.
[exclaims.]
It was such a killer night.
Anyway, I miss you.
[sarcastically.]
That's so fun, Meadow.
[laughs awkwardly.]
Are you okay? Mmm No.
Everyone's been talking about you.
You know, how badass it is that you're actually here.
How the rest of us, we wouldn't be able to survive in prison.
But look at you.
You're doing it.
It is so cool.
Oh.
Are you fucking kidding me? Your vibe's different.
Are you sure you're okay? If this is about the Pema ChÃÂdrÃÂn fight we had right before you left, - it's really not a big deal - Prison is not cool.
Being here is not cool.
It's not brave or admirable or courageous.
It's stupid.
[scoffs.]
I feel stupid for being in here and stupid for thinking that it wouldn't ruin my life and that it would be okay.
And I'm not surviving.
I'm just existing.
You know, I drove, like, three hours to get here, right? Well you don't have to ever again.
I don't even know what to do with him any more.
Benito Mendoza look at me.
Right now.
You see? He's like a serial killer, no emotion.
Talking about him like he's not at the table won't help.
You want to raise your own kids? Go right ahead.
I'm sorry.
You know how thankful I am for you.
Gloria.
He's impossible.
And he's so strong now.
The bigger he gets, the more out of control I feel.
He kicks, he yells.
Last week, he slammed the door so hard, the plaster split from one side of the door to the other.
[snickering.]
[speaking English.]
Oh, you think that's funny? You listen to me.
You think you hot shit? You think because I messed up, you're gonna follow in your mother's footsteps? Well, let me tell you something, you're dead wrong.
From now on, you're gonna come here.
Every week, you're gonna bring your homework.
And if you don't, I will make your life a living hell even from in here.
Try me.
I'll call my brothers from Washington Heights and they will hang your ass over that bridge until you piss on yourself and it comes running down your body into your mouth.
That's the kind of shit they live for.
Every week, Benito.
You hear me, little boy? Every week.
And how you think he's going to get here every week, mother of the year? You think I got time to drive him? [scoffs.]
[Healy.]
Here let me get that.
- Here.
- [Red.]
Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Well, you didn't have to say all those nice things about me to Katya, either.
[Red.]
Your Russian really must be terrible.
- You called me a good man.
- I only said what I believed.
Are you all right? Your eyes look glassy.
I feel like I lost a child.
I'm sorry, Galina.
I thought I could save her.
[sighs.]
If someone jumps into shark-infested waters you can't jump in after them.
[Caputo.]
Cafeteria.
[Crazy Eyes.]
I know.
I told them that she's doing fine, that she's sitting under She's sitting under a tree somewhere, eating a Pink Lady apple.
Oh! Oh.
'Cause Vee loves Pink Lady apples.
And she's thinking about me just like I'm thinking about her.
It's gonna work out.
How much are you spending on meals? $1.
79 per inmate per meal.
$5.
37 a day.
We find that women eat less than men, so we're able to keep our food costs low.
The national average is $1.
58.
We've heard some discouraging things about housing a female population.
Do you find it's more difficult because of their health requirements? [sniffling.]
You know, the great thing is, the ladies here are all synced up.
So it's a real rough couple of days, but at least it's not spread out, you know? I grew up with three sisters and a mother in the house, so, we had to batten down the hatches.
Lucky I made it out of there alive.
Let's move on to the kitchen.
Inmate Mendoza, glad you can join us.
What's on the menu today? Food.
It's a Cuban garbanzo bean stew-type thingy.
We got a whole case of it last week, and Gloria, she figured out a way how to stretch them after we picked out all the rotten ones.
[Caputo.]
We find that our inmates are one of our best assets.
They are very resourceful, and we rely on them to help us get through the day.
Yeah, like this one time, everyone got the shits real bad from eating old pork or whatever, so we served white bread for the next couple of days.
It was real good for the tummy.
It sopped up all the badness.
Hey, Joe, are you guys on the codified national meal schedule? You know, I'm I'm not sure about - I'm gonna look into that, Danny.
- Great, take your time.
Yeah, let's keep moving, huh? Right this way.
When are you two gonna learn how to shut up? You're like Lucy and Ethel without the charm.
- We was just trying to help.
- You wanna help? Start by shutting up and doing what I ask you to do.
Stop gabbing while you're serving.
Stop thinking that anyone needs you to do more than your job.
Jeez.
- You got your period? - Yes.
Me, too.
[gasps.]
Oh.
It all makes sense now.
If you follow the power cord, - it'll lead you - I know.
I'm just saying, it'll lead you to the fuse.
I don't need your help - you disgusting little vole.
- [scoffs.]
Don't you talk to me.
Don't you look at me.
And go ahead give me a shot for being insubordinate.
I don't give a fuck.
[scoffs.]
Am I at least allowed to ask what a vole is? [Caputo.]
Right this way.
Chapman, how are we doing today? We are doing so great, Mr.
Caputo.
Would you mind explaining what it is you're doing today, for our guests? Absolutely.
The microwave it stopped working yesterday, so I'm trying to fix it.
By assigning our inmates work duty, we avoid the exorbitant cost of hiring outside contractors.
Everybody contributes to the community.
Well, not everyone.
Some people try to destroy it.
What seems to be the problem there? The thermal fuse blew.
And you can fix that by yourself, honey? Well, I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.
[Wilkinson snickers.]
Thank you, Chapman.
Right this way.
We're gonna make you look real natural.
Don't worry.
[Sophia.]
Mmm.
Go ahead and call me Jesus from now on, 'cause this bitch just worked a miracle.
It really is something.
Yeah, it's definitely something.
[Big Boo chuckling.]
Man, I cannot wait to fleece this motherfucker.
I'm actually, like, all tingly and shit.
Okay.
All finished.
- [Big Boo.]
Show me my big, beautiful self! - Okay, almost there.
- Just hold on, all right? - [Big Boo.]
All right.
- There we go.
- [Big Boo.]
Uh-huh.
Oh, I love this part! This is like that TV show where they gave those ladies the plastic surgery makeover and then all their problems just went away after.
Okay, here we go.
[Lorna shrieking.]
Oh, my God! I'm sorry, I can't help it.
I just love makeovers and you look so pretty.
Boo, you look fucking weird.
What? She does.
No, um I look like my mother.
[woman moaning.]
Carrie! Oh! Oh, God! [both moaning.]
[woman.]
Oh, my God! [both groaning.]
[both laughing.]
Fuck, I love you.
Says the girl who just came.
I don't see why that's not a perfectly valid reason to love someone.
Well [sighs.]
And do you know why I love you? - Because I have great tits? - Exactly.
[both laughing.]
Jesus, don't get me going again, girl.
[Big Boo chuckles.]
Can I ask you something? Not if it's about my mother.
Carrie, come on.
Talk to me.
Remember when we were fucking? Gee, that was fun.
Your mom is sick and you're not gonna go see her? That's not normal.
You're right, I'm not normal.
I'm queer.
[gasps.]
Wait, did you not know we were lesbos? My bad, I should have told you.
You must have been very confused.
Look, I don't get why you're holding on to this.
Look at you, you're living your life, you have me.
You don't have to keep fighting the world.
I mean, isn't forgiving her easier than not? Oh, Christ.
I don't fucking know.
Look, I'm worried if you don't go see her, you're gonna regret it.
Those little baskets of seashells everywhere really freak me out.
- It's weird living back home.
- [Piper.]
Right.
They said it was going to be two weeks, and yet it's been six.
The sustainable wood for the micro-house is on backorder.
Isn't that amazing? Who would have thought that wood could be on backorder? [laughs.]
Are they waiting for the trees to grow? [laughs.]
Are you waiting for the oceans to rise and reclaim their bounty? [Piper laughing.]
Oh.
Isn't this fun? What's with your new look? Did you join a World War II reenactment group? Well, that's dark.
Cal's gotten into the postmodern ice-cream movement.
Been doing some really interesting experiments with nitrogen.
I'm working on a BLT flavor at this moment.
And, when we get enough money, we're gonna open an old-fashioned ice cream parlor but with future-now flavors for an experiential mash-up.
So I decided to, you know, - perfect my look, now.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'm bidding online for a wearable bass drum as we speak.
- It's all happening.
- [chuckling.]
[Carol.]
Enough about us.
How's your birthday, darling? Did you get any presents from your prison friends? I haven't told anyone it's my birthday, so, nope, no presents.
[stammers.]
Are you not gonna say anything? I don't have anything to say.
[Bill clears throat.]
Then why did you come? Because it's your birthday, Piper.
Have I ever missed your birthday? I'm sorry, I can't just sit here and make small talk.
You don't have to, I'm not size-ist.
You can talk big, you could talk medium? You're 32.
You're getting further and further behind in life.
[sighs.]
I'm frustrated that we can't seem to help you.
Maybe this is exactly where I am supposed to be right now.
Maybe this right now, is making me a better person.
[scoffs.]
I'm learning more Spanish and I can fix things.
I'm a part of a community and I have a girlfriend.
I have a girlfriend that I love.
So, there.
Saw that coming.
So, does that mean you're officially It means that I officially have a girlfriend.
Dear God.
You know, I find myself saying that phrase, too, a lot.
But with a different inflection and [panting.]
breathier.
Dear [inhales sharply.]
God! [gasps.]
- [Piper yelping.]
- [Cal.]
Whoa! Happy birthday! [man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hi, there.
Need something? Well, I'm sorry to bother you.
I just I wanted you to have these.
I thought they might brighten your day.
Rose seeds? Oh, is that what they are? I don't have a green thumb, so It says "rose" right there on the package.
I was in a hurry after lunch, so They'll be a lovely addition to the garden.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
How you gonna love a song that just, like, lists the days of the week? Like it's Sesame Street or some shit? That's only one teeny part.
The rest is all, "Tonight's gonna be a good night.
" It makes me feel optimistic about the evening we gonna have and shit.
You know we in prison though, right? Whatever, man, they all sellouts anyway.
Man [mimics phone ringing.]
Hello? One second, please.
Poussey Washington, it's the Black Eyed Peas calling for you.
They wanna give you all the moneys.
All you got to do is sing the days of the week and be famous.
- All the moneys? - All the moneys! Um - No.
- Ooh.
Man, you're bullshitting! You're bullshitting.
If that's the case, I could be a famous rapper.
You know what I'm saying, like - January, February, March - [Poussey.]
Oh, what you got? April, May and June July, August, September Shit, yo! I'm gonna turn this shit up.
We all know what it's like to move.
- All the boxes, the schlepping - [Poussey.]
Yo! Hey, who the fuck is that? - Yo, it's Judy King, man! - The chef lady.
Yo, she ain't just a chef, man.
She's an entertainment and lifestyle specialist.
Yo, she cooks the food, and then she shows you how to present it, right? Putting little sprigs of rosemary on the plate, putting it on a bed of moss and shit.
[chuckles.]
Presentation is everything.
Did you just say "sprig"? Raspberry buttermilk pie.
It's my way of saying [snoring.]
[exclaims.]
I've seen this one before.
That raspberry buttermilk pie turns out real nice.
Even when white folks try to be exciting, they still boring.
Yeah, I was asleep.
[laughs.]
Yo, what the fuck? Look.
Man, that girl is gonna be the death of me.
Let her ass go to the SHU.
Right this way.
[Caputo.]
Sure, yeah.
This is our TV room.
[Poussey.]
Go, go.
You gotta go.
[Crazy Eyes.]
Ow.
Ow.
White people and other.
And we'll be going uh, this way.
Right this way.
[exhales.]
Hey, hands up over your head.
[Crazy Eyes whimpering.]
[stammers.]
Vee came to me.
And she told me to follow her but my feet weren't fast enough.
[Taystee.]
Okay.
And I missed her, Taystee.
I missed her.
Suzanne you have to listen to me.
- Vee wasn't here.
- Yes, she Vee's dead.
- No, she's not! - Yes, she is! - She is not! No, she's not! - Vee is dead, Suzanne! Vee is dead! Vee is dead! Vee is dead! [sobbing.]
She's gone.
Yes she's gone.
I am so sorry.
Me, too.
- Need a little help, there? - Nope, I've got it.
Thank you.
I called you my girlfriend.
What? To who? To my parents and my brother and my brother's wife.
[exhales.]
- That's a bold move, Chapman.
- I know.
I didn't even mean to say it.
It just It just came out.
And now Now, I can't stop thinking about it.
Do you want to pass me a note and have me circle yes or no? I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend.
- [chuckles.]
Oh, no? - No.
Definitely not.
I just thought I thought that it was weird.
It's totally weird.
You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed.
Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands.
So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it.
Will you be my girlfriend? [laughing.]
- Yeah.
- Yes? Yes, you idiot.
She said "yes.
" - Good for you, hon.
- Mazel tov! I have something for you.
- It's a non-birthday gift.
- Okay.
Here.
What is this? Is this a list of songs? Well, I couldn't make you a mix, so I wrote down the songs I would've put on the mix if we were, like normal people and not weird prison girlfriends.
Um Okay, Only You, Yaz.
You Wouldn't Like Me, Tegan and Sara.
- The Pussy is Mine, Miguel.
- Miguel.
This is so nice, and so gay.
- I know.
- Thank you.
Mr.
Caputo, I need to speak to you.
Uh, I'm sure it's something your counselor would be happy to assist you with, inmate.
It's about one of your guards.
As you can see, I am very busy at the moment.
So, I will make every effort to try and find you tomorrow.
It's about CO Bennett.
[chuckles nervously.]
Excuse me.
Please.
What the hell do you want? He hasn't been here for two weeks.
I haven't heard nothing from him.
Please, Mr.
Caputo, you gotta know where he is.
You gotta know something.
I am gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you are not a complete moron, despite that stupid, stupid power move you just tried to pull.
Which means you can make the same assumption I've made about Bennett, he is gone.
- No.
- And he is not coming back.
Unfortunately for you, inmate, not everyone around here is locked up.
[Elizabeth.]
Mr.
Caputo I hate to be presumptive, but was that inmate pregnant? This is a good example of our concerns.
The costs associated with a birth while the inmate is in our care.
And they're prohibitive, to say the least.
Great thing about men, they don't have uterus'ÃÂÃÂs.
She's not pregnant.
And quite frankly, you should never assume that about a woman.
Phew! I've learned that one the hard way.
Well, a big hetero hello to all of you.
You buying this? Anybody? Yes? No? Thank you.
[man on PA.]
Code blue in room 23.
Code blue, room 23.
Carrie.
Hey, Pop.
[sighs.]
[Big Boo.]
Hi.
You okay? [scoffs.]
Of course, not.
That was stupid, huh? I can't believe you're here.
It's been so many years, Carrie.
Well, you know she's my mother.
I'm here now.
You won't even recognize her, she's so frail.
I can handle it, Pop.
I I don't think she can.
What, you mean the sight of her dyke daughter is going to make her worse? Carrie would it kill you to put on some other clothes before you see her? Well, these are my good Chucks, Pop.
You know what I mean.
Gosh I'm so fucking tired.
[sighs heavily.]
I have been her daughter for 42 years.
Now don't you think she could have taken some of that time to work on accepting me for who I am, rather than mourning every fucking thing that I am not? I understand that whatever this is, is important to you, but it's a costume, that's all.
The rest of us, we get up, put on a suit and a tie, we go to work.
You think that's how I wanted to dress five days a week? No, of course not.
But no one gets the privilege of being themselves all the time, Carrie.
No one.
Now, if you want to go in there and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you.
But you need to decide whether your costume is worth what it's costing you.
I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad.
All my life.
Strangers, girlfriends, fuck, even my own parents all asking me to be something that I am not.
Do you have any idea what that feels like? Like, your whole fucking existence is being denied, like "Whoa, you'd be better off if you were invisible"? Yeah.
I refuse to be invisible, Daddy.
Not for you, not for Mom not for anybody.
[sighs.]
So, um I'm sorry.
[crying softly.]
[man speaking indistinctly on PA.]
Hi, there.
You must be the Reverend Lawlor.
Carrie, it's a pleasure.
I've heard such impressive things from Tiffany.
- Please.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, she's told me really great things about your holy work, sir.
So, it sounds like you've been on quite a journey.
Using your time here to get back on the right path? It's a testament to the power of prison rehabilitation.
Oh, absolutely, yes.
You know, there's so much time here to think reflect on life regrets on sin.
Yeah.
Tell me more about that.
Forgive me, I just I get so emotional when I have to talk about this.
You know, like the Bible says "If man also lie with mankind the way he lieth with woman " "Both have committed an abomination.
" - Amen.
Exactly.
- You're not alone.
I've talked to so many people like yourself.
Faggots who have committed disgusting acts before admitting that they'd fallen prey to this illness.
I hope you don't mind my asking what was it that turned you to the light? Well, I just, I prayed.
A lot.
And then Jesus came in me To me, sorry.
Jesus came to me with so much love.
- Praise the Lord.
- Mmm-hmm.
Reverend, Tiffany said that you might be able to take up a collection to help support me as I continue my walk on the path of decency.
Stories like yours really resonate with the congregation.
The narrative of the reformed sinner spreading the gospel.
And let me tell you, your story, a tale of wickedness and depravity, a thieving dyke.
Well, that should make for a compelling inspirational pamphlet.
[chuckles.]
Of course, we'll need to cover that tattoo of yours for the photo.
[scoffs.]
- Reverend Lawlor? - Are you all right? Yes, I'm just trying to remember the passage.
Oh, yes it's Corinthians 69.
I think it goes "Suck my big fat dyke dick, you fucking hateful piece of shit!" - Fuck you! What? - All right, settle down.
- That's enough.
- I'm good.
Jesus was a fag.
He said, "This is my body.
Eat me.
" - Thank you so much for coming.
- Thank you.
I appreciate your time.
- It was very informative.
- Thank you.
- All right, Joe, thanks.
- Thank you.
Drive safe.
Watch yourself on Route So? I'd polish up that résumé if I were you, Ford.
[sighs.]
[sighs.]
Can I have one of those? Get the fuck out of here.
[scoffs.]
What the hell is wrong with all of you? I swear to God, you were my kid [scoffs.]
If you were my kid, you'd still be fucked up.
Please.
I need something.
You okay? He's gone.
I know.
Fucking piece of shit.
Like all of them.
Yep.
Can't believe he just left us.
It's not the worst thing that'll happen to that kid.
[Pennsatucky.]
I'm glad you're back.
Seeing you like that was scarier than seein' that dolphin penis at SeaWorld.
Around all that water, it looked out of place, you know.
Some ladies just ain't meant to look lady-like.
Now, my mother would disagree.
She'd say, "Don't be a salmon.
" Is that a vagina thing? No.
Salmon, they swim upstream against the current.
Oh.
Wish I'd said goodbye to her.
- But I was dumb.
- Mmm-mmm.
Today, you were brave.
Ha! Horseshit.
I got six weeks extra work duty.
Yeah, but you stood up for yourself, and that's more than I can say.
No, I just showed them who I really am.
A big, stupid, stubborn pussy-loving dyke.
Hey, well, listen, if that's who you are, then that's who you are.
And there's no use in fightin' it, and if you ain't gonna fight it, you might as well embrace it, or else you're living in purgatory.
Fuck yeah.
Here's to heaven or hell and nothing in between.
- Boom! - Boom.
Probably hell, though.
I mean, who the fuck am I kidding? Oh.
[clears throat.]
You need to start brushing.
- [groaning.]
- No, trust me on this.
Seriously, take it.
Thank you.
- Really? - [chuckles.]
Yeah, really.
All right, I'll give it a go, but I'm telling you, it's just a waste of my time.
Oh, there is no wiser schmuck than you, my friend.
- Yeah, no shit.
Guess what? - Hmm? I'm still taking their money.
[laughing.]
I renounce thee, Satan.
Oh, bring that in.
Yes! Whoo! - [Pennsatucky.]
Bunch of chumps.
- Mmm.
Tomorrow, we'll talk about flossing.
- The string? - Yeah, with the string.
- Fuck that.
- No, it's important.
[phone ringing.]
- Joe Caputo.
- Joe, Danny Pearson.
Danny, of course.
I hope you don't mind me calling this late.
No, not at all.
Did you make it home okay? I know that last turn at the end, that left, it's confusing.
Yeah, I made it just fine.
Um, look, I'll keep it short.
MCC is gonna be taking over Litchfield, effective as soon as the paperwork goes through.
Holy shit! I'm sorry.
I just I thought everything that could have gone wrong on that tour, did.
Yeah, well, it was a real shit show.
But we toured the maximum security facility before we came to visit you guys, and with the number of bodies down there, and the potential for the unused space, it was a no-brainer.
Wow.
This is gonna be such a relief for a lot of people around here, Danny.
Thank your bosses for me.
Oh, I'm glad.
I gotta run right now, but I look forward to working with you, Joe.
Likewise.
Hey, Danny, thank you so much, huh? Take care.
[exhales.]
Whoo-Hoo! Whoo-Hoo! [laughing.]
[exclaims.]
[snoring.]
Huh? Oh, hell, no! Too far, too far.
Okay.
I hear you.
[upbeat hip-hop playing.]