Outnumbered (2007) s03e04 Episode Script

Ooh, Karen! Have you turned off the hot water again? Don't you want to save polar bears? Die, infidel dog! Ben! Aaargh! Pew! Pew! I've got a bit of a headache, so if you could just go easy on the deafening roaring Why's your face grey? I've just You look like somebody shaded you in with a pencil.
I'm just if you Just keep it down, OK? Karen! I can't hear any movement.
Oooohhh! You haven't developed OCD, have you? No.
The estate agent rang.
We've finally got a nibble, and there's a couple coming round this afternoon, so I've got to make this place clean and tidy and presentable.
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
You're practising for a game called Crusades? Yeah.
At break time, I'm going to be Richard the Lionheart, Ibrahim's going to be Saladin and all the girls are going to play the innocent civilians who get massacred.
Right.
You smell like that relief teacher who didn't stay very long.
The one with the shaky hand and who always used to cry for no reason.
This is solid.
Oh, God, Ben hasn't been mixing cement in the sink again, has he? The kitchen is very messy, Mummy.
Yes, I know that, thank you.
That's why Karen! You're still in your pyjamas! Come on, chop, chop.
No, Mummy, I'm not going to school today.
Oh, don't be stupid, darling.
I'm not being stupid.
Watch my lips.
I am not going to school today.
Oh, really, and why is that? Because I'm scared.
Scared? Raaaa! Pew! Pew! Dad? Yes? What's the point of living? The point of? Yeah.
Why do we live? Well, I don't know.
That is an enormous question that has puzzled mankind down through the ages.
OK, just asking.
Raaaa! Pew! Pew! Oh.
Why are you scared, Karen? You like going to school.
Yes, but today I'm staying at home because that way nothing bad can happen to me.
But what do you mean, sweetheart? Nothing bad's going to happen to you.
Why should anything bad happen to you? Because today is Friday the 13th.
No darling, that's just a silly superstition.
Nothing bad is going to happen.
But something bad has already happened.
My goldfish died.
Uh that was on Monday.
Yes, the Monday in the same week as Friday the 13th.
Oh, that's ridiculous! It's not ridiculous.
Friday the 13th is not an especially unlucky day, it's just Tell that to Mrs B.
Her husband dropped dead in Woolworths on Friday the 13th.
Are you saying that's not unlucky? Well, no, dropping dead is quite unlucky, but And it was unlucky for Woolworths, as well, because not long after that, they closed.
But that was the reces Listen, Karen, Mrs B is a very nice, kind old lady.
She just happens to be very superstitious.
Yes, but And some of what she says she knows stuff, and she told me all the things that can bring bad luck.
Whistling in the house, which you do all the time, and is probably why my goldfish died.
Karen, there is no connection between No, because the death of a fish and me whistling occasionally.
When Ben broke the mirror the same day That's he cut his foot.
Because the mirror fell on his foot.
And you're always opening umbrellas in the house, and that's probably why you No.
Can't clean up all this mess.
I can't keep the kitchen clean because you lot create such Mum?! Karen, look we I'm not going to school.
You are going to school, now.
If you're concerned about my Oh, no.
Then don't make me go to school.
If you don't believe in bad luck then why? What's all this about? Oh, she's refusing to go to school 'cause it's Friday the 13th, and she thinks something bad's gonna happen.
Something bad WILL happen.
Mrs B told me.
Right, that's the last time she comes to babysit.
Let's not be hasty, Pete.
Mrs B is a good babysitter.
She's great with the kids and very calm.
And she's old and lonely, so she's always available.
Yes, but I like it when Mrs B comes.
She shows me how to bake cakes and she reads me lovely bedtime stories.
See? And last time she came, she brought her tarot cards and Ben got Death.
Yeah, that was cool.
Look, you're going to school.
It's just another day.
Nothing especially bad is going to happen.
How can you say that? You've already been sick this morning in the toilet.
Has he? Yeah, he was going "Jesus.
Oh, God" Yeah, OK, Karen.
"Blaaaaa! Oh, God, I feel terrible.
Blaaaaa!" Yes, that's enough.
We don't "Oh, God.
Blaaaaa! Oh, Jesus.
" OK.
Alright.
Oh, that's so unfair.
I wish I'd seen that.
And I think Jesus only helps poor people with diseases.
I don't think he helps people with bad tummies on Friday the 13th.
Were there carrots in it? Or like, were there any peas in it? Oh, OK.
Listen, you two That's why I don't eat vegetables.
Dad throwing up has absolutely nothing to do with today being Friday 13th.
All that happened was, last night, he went to a leaving do, got paralytic, staggered home in the early hours of the morning and fell into bed, stinking like a brewery.
That's right, isn't it, Mum? Karen? Karen, look at me.
You're safe to go into school, today, 'cause I promise you that Friday the 13th is no more dangerous than any other day, alright? OK.
That's not strictly true.
Friday the 13th is more dangerous because it was Friday the 13th when all those teenagers got killed.
See! They were all camping by a lake Ben, that's a film.
Friday the 13th, in the same lake a few years ago It's a film.
A boy had murdered his mother, and then Film his mum's spirit comes to present day Film.
And murdered all the teenagers.
Ben? And all that happened on Friday the 13th, so I shouldn't go to school either.
Ben, it's a movie.
It's not Hang on, when did he see Friday The 13th? That's way too scary for a nine-year-old.
It's not that scary.
But when did? Maisie's sleepover.
Oh, for Karen, go and get changed for school.
No.
I'm not going, and I mean it.
AND I MEAN IT! I'm just in the mood, OK? So last night was worth it, was it? Oh, it was OK.
How come you got so wrecked? It's years since you've done that.
Oh, I dunno.
I got ambushed by these bright green cocktails.
Oh, well, that explains the toilet.
Stupid.
It's not doing my stomach any good.
What time did you get in? I dunno er, three-ish? I did text you about midnight to tell you I was gonna be late.
Oh, is that what it said? Well, it's difficult to text when you're drunk.
You lose control of your thumbs.
Yeah, the last bit had nine consecutive Ws.
Sorry.
You upset me when you shouted at me.
Did I? Karen? Karen, I know you're dawdling deliberately.
I'm looking for my shoes, OK? Could they be these shoe-shaped objects, here in the middle of the room? How am I going to get this place tidied up before they come to view the? Have you explained to the people yet, that whatever happens, I will not be moving and I will be staying on in my room? No, I thought I'd let that be a lovely surprise.
Now go and get dressed.
When we move, can we move to Australia? Because Australia is brilliant, and they've got the two-step spider, 'cause it bites you, and then when you walk two steps, you die.
Don't oversell it, now.
Ooh, and do you know how kangaroos keep cool in the desert? No.
Well, they cover themselves in their own saliva.
Oooh.
If we move to Australia, we could buy a kangaroo, and then we could bottle its saliva and use it instead of suntan lotion.
Bottle kangaroo saliva? It would be better at airports because they always take your suncream, and glare at you a bit and then give it back to you.
Yeah.
If you got the kangaroo with you, they can't take the kangaroo 'cause the kangaroo doesn't want to be taken.
So, you take the kangaroo to the airport.
What's this your printing out? It's just a really interesting website I found on the internet about how the attack on the Twin Towers was, like, orchestrated by George Bush.
It's for my history project.
Well, that's not really history as such, is it? That's more sort of bollocks.
Well, you don't seriously sign up for this rubbish, do you? Well, I'm not sure it makes total sense, no, but Thank you you've got to admit there is something weird about the way those towers collapsed.
And there's this other spider, which hides under your toilet seat, and then, when you go to the toilet it jumps out and bites you.
Going to the toilet's quite boring but this makes it much more exciting.
Hang on.
There's a slice of pizza down here.
Is that yours? Is it a Margarita? Er no.
Ah then, it's not mine.
No, Dad, that is crap.
Hang on.
How do these people at I'll-believe-anything-because- I'm-a-gullible-idiot-dot-com explain the fact that Osama Bin Laden went on television and said that he had attacked the Twin Towers? Ah, but did he? Yes.
Yes, he did.
Jake The CIA could have easily could you get that, please? It'll be Melanie.
She's going to take them to school for me, so I've got more time to get this lot straight.
When are you going to hospital, so the doctors can put the camera up your bottom? Um, Monday.
Why? Can you ask if you can keep the film? Only, I'd like to take it into class for Show and Tell.
Show and? No.
I don't want everyone in your school knowing about my colonoscopy.
They already know.
Karen put it on Facebook.
But And Mum told all the other mums at pick-up time.
Well, not all the mums.
It's not a secret, is it? No.
I would just rather it wasn't lead item on the news.
Hi, Jake.
Hi, Melanie.
They're on their way.
- Right.
- Hi, Kelly, how's it going? So, how are you? Fine.
Hear you're turning into a bit of a star striker? Look - see? Libra's facing unexpected difficulties.
That's proof that I shouldn't go to school today.
Astrology, Karen.
It's not proof of anything except human stupidity.
Now, come on, move it.
You'll regret this.
What happens if you send me to school and then, on the way I get ripped apart by ferocious huge bears? You'd be sorry then, wouldn't you? Yep.
I'd be in pieces.
And so would you.
Keep moving.
Thanks for this, Mel.
You're a lifesaver.
Come on, Jake, shift yourself.
You'll be late.
Come on, we've got to get out of the house.
Shift! Yeah, sorry? And put your tongue in.
We don't want you tripping over it, do we? Hi, Melanie.
Hiya.
Hey, don't forget your masterpiece on how George Bush destroyed the Twin Towers.
God, all that conspiracy stuff's pretty daft, isn't it? At last, the voice of reason.
Mind you, there was something a bit weird about the way those towers collapsed.
Ahhhh! There.
See? Ben, don't go rushing off on your own! We don't want another letter from the social services.
Oh, good luck with the colonoscopy, Pete.
My brother had one.
Said it was fine.
See ya.
I expect she saw that on Ceefax.
See ya.
Bye.
Boys, we need to win this war.
Oh, my God.
Hiya.
Sorry, wrong house.
This took me seven hours.
Seven hours? Yeah, well, I lost the first hour working out where to start.
But I soon got cracking and I found an old wasps' nest, your missing passport that we had to replace and two German road signs.
Cleaning Ben's room alone took me three hours.
You cleaned Ben's room? My God, that place looked like the Apocalypse.
Where did you put all his crap? Right.
How was school? Oh, we had the police in with some handwriting experts, after the latest death threat to the headmaster.
I mean, personally, I don't think it could have been one of our pupils wrote those death threats 'cause the grammar's too good, and the word disembowel was spelt correctly.
It was probably one of the teachers like last time.
Ow! You alright? Yeah.
It's just some clown clattered into me last night during the dancing.
Dancing? You hate dancing.
I know, but I was too drunk to remember that.
Well, you didn't even dance at our wedding.
What sort of dancing was it? What? Was it slow dancing, boppy dancing? It was just dancing to music.
I dunno.
Alright, alright.
Just asking what sort of dancing it was.
Hi, guys.
On to Jerusalem! Stay out of the kitchen! So, Karen, did anything bad happen today? There's still time.
Stay out of the kitchen! Thanks for that, Mel.
Were they OK? Oh, no problem.
Oh, Ben's teacher said, can she have a word with you tomorrow.
Something about him and Ibrahim kettling all the girls in the lower playground.
Oh, not again.
What the hell have you done to my room? It's full of floor.
It's nice, isn't it? Stay out of it.
And the kitchen - stay out of that, too.
You can go in there but don't touch anything.
Would you like to come in? No, that's fine.
Good luck with your buyers.
Thank you.
Well, well, well, Karen.
Friday the 13th successfully negotiated, and miraculously you remain unsavaged by bears.
Why is Friday the 13th so unlucky? Where did all that come from? Well, I think it's something to do with the Last Supper, isn't it? Eh? Well, at Jesus' last supper, Judas made 13 at the table, and Judas betrayed Jesus, who was then crucified and I think See, see, see? He was crucified.
I don't think you can get unluckier than that.
No, but he You can.
If you got crucified by accident.
Just imagine.
It's a really lovely day and suddenly, your shoe lace is untied Ben and you're walking.
Then you just go, like "whoah!" as you fall onto a cross with nails sticking out of it.
Then you crucify yourself by accident.
It would be really bad if you just tripped.
Think we may have gone off at bit of a tangent.
Hiya.
Hi.
Here.
No, please let me do it.
No, it's fine.
It's alright.
It's OK.
I don't mind.
Here.
There you go.
Thanks.
Bye.
Listen, Karen.
Jesus was not crucified on Friday the 13th.
It was a Friday though, wasn't it? Yeah, it was Good Friday.
Good Friday? That's a weird name for a day which someone gets crucified.
It should have been called something like Ouchy Friday, or Oh-no-I'm-being-crucified Friday, or Ouchy Friday? So what date was it when Jesus got killed? Well, no-one knows.
So it could have been Friday the 13th? No.
Well, technically, if you I bet it was.
That's just the sort of thing that would happen, especially as Jesus was a Capricorn.
Oh, for heaven's But he was born on Christmas Day - that makes him a Capricorn.
Jake! Don't go in the kitchen.
It's temporarily out of bounds.
What, because of the bird? Sorry? Yeah, there's a bird in here.
A bird?! Oh, no, for God's sake! Awesome! Oh, my God.
Alright, everyone, just stay calm, don't panic.
It's just a pigeon.
Well, what the hell is it doing in my kitchen? Probably come in from the garden.
Well, I didn't think it arrived by email.
Oh, my God, there it is.
Oh, my God, there it is.
Alright, calm down, calm down.
- It's an omen.
- Ben?! What? Mrs B told me that if there's a bird in the house, there's going to be a death.
Karen, that's just "One for sorrow.
" That's magpies, Karen.
Yeah, and this is a pigeon.
Can we keep him? Of course, we can't keep it.
It's a - Come on.
Come on, Mr Pigeon.
- Ben?! We need to corral it out the way he came in.
It's only got one escape route.
Well, I'm going up to my room.
I do not want to be the one who dies.
She's a real team player, isn't she? What's wrong with him? Why's he staying in here? There's gardens out there, with trees and grass and sky.
Perhaps he's agoraphobic.
It's not funny, Pete.
He's crapped on the computer.
That's not funny either.
Yes, it is.
We've got people coming to look at the house in a few moments! Alright, alright, calm down.
No, because the conventional way to greet a potential buyer is with the smell of coffee and freshly baked bread not pigeon plop.
Mum, don't worry.
I've spent all day cleaning this kitchen.
I've got an idea.
We don't need an idea.
We just need You see, David Attenborough says that pigeons have a bit of magnetism in their brain, and that's how they get home.
They track the earth's magnetic field.
You go round from that side.
If I stood out in the garden with a massive magnet, I'd be able to suck him out the kitchen.
We just inch slowly Do we have a massive magnet? No, we don't have a bloody, massive magnet! Don't shout, because you'll just upset the Oh, Jesus! There's marbles all over the floor! If we just leave the thing alone, it'll probably fly out on its own, in the end.
It's no big deal.
There are three of us.
Look, we could just herd it towards What's that? It's a picture of a cat.
Oh, for Ben, this isn't really a four-man job, so why don't you just go and play in your bedroom? I can't.
It feels weird.
Ben, just I'll get it.
Oh, my God.
That'll be them.
Alright, don't panic.
Right, you stall them.
You show them the rest of the house.
Jake and I will stay here, and try and get rid of that thing.
Or we could just explain it to them.
Pete, I've spent hours, invested hours, trying to make Have you come to buy the house? Well, possibly.
Well, you should 'cause it's fantastic, especially if you're a kid.
There's loads of brilliant places where you can hide for hours, until the adults start panicking and screaming out your name.
Right.
And the most important thing of all is that while you're standing here arguing, Ben is talking to them.
Oh, my And another interesting thing is Sorry, sorry about that.
In the basement.
Hi, I'm Pete.
Tony.
Fiona.
Hi.
This is Ben.
Yes, he's been telling us all about the house.
Has he? What's he been saying? That it's a fantastic house for kids.
Ah, yes, of course.
Well, would you like the tour? Right.
This is Karen.
You can buy this house if you want, but I intend to stay living here.
Oh, right.
It wasn't my idea to move.
I wasn't consulted.
Well, I'm sure mummy and daddy always try and do what's best for you.
No, I don't think so.
This morning my daddy didn't even seem to care that I could have been torn apart by ferocious bears.
No, that's not that's not true.
It's a long story.
She was Shall we start upstairs? It's just a bird.
Now, the stupid thing's nesting on my fridge.
Look, Mum, if we panic it, it might end up hurting itself.
What is this? Pigeon Concern Week? Now if I, er Eh, if I throw this hat on top of it, maybe we can No! It's bad luck to throw a hat.
Mrs B told me.
No, she didn't.
Well, it was something about hats.
Um Might have been, never throw a hat on a gypsy, or She's doing my head in.
Never give money to Albanians.
That's not superstition.
That's racism.
And it's green! That's unlucky! Karen! Well, the neighbours are nice.
Er Transport's good.
What else? Are you OK, love? Yeah, I'm just a bit short of puff.
Do you want a glass of water? I would, actually, yes.
That boy's very special.
Yes.
That's the word his teachers keep using.
You two go on up.
I'll just sit here for a sec.
You sure? OK, Tony.
Up we go.
OK, well, this is the third floor.
It's just more bedrooms, really.
Ooh, baby's kicking.
So, you're definitely having a baby? Only, I don't like to ask.
Not since I upset that big, fat lady.
Oh, right.
So, your husband's black? Yes.
But you're white? So, your baby could be black or white? Um, well, yes.
Most likely something in between.
But not stripy? No, I don't think I'd like a stripy baby.
Be harder to lose.
Yeah, that's true.
They sometimes have mix-ups in the hospitals.
Sometimes.
Not often.
Could you have a black-and-white, spotty baby? Um it doesn't really work But you could call him Spot.
Um, yeah, we were thinking, Peter, but You could have a black-and-white, zigzag baby.
Maybe as a middle name.
Or a black-and-white chequered baby, or puzzle pieces.
I don't think so, no.
Triangles Probably just the one colour joined together like diamonds.
Not in a pattern.
Or you could have a football marking, like those big hexagons all over its body.
But Mrs B said Karen, I tell you what.
You make yourself useful by picking up all these marbles off the floor.
But I didn't spill them.
I'm not saying you spilt them.
But who spilt them? 'Cause It doesn't matter who spilt them.
Because whoever spilt them should clean them up.
I'm asking you.
Doesn't matter who It does matter who spilt them.
Say there was a massive ship carrying all this oil, and then Karen? Someone spilt it all, and made all the puffins all sticky and gooey and horrible.
Then they said, "Doesn't matter who spilt it.
Karen, you go and clean it up.
" It does matter.
Karen, please? But if babies were stripy and spotty, then there would be no racism, would there? Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Or maybe the spotty people would fight the stripy people and the chequered people, and they'd just have great big wars of the stripy and spotty and stuff like that.
I don't think it's gonna happen, but, um And it's their responsibility! You need to do Mummy a favour.
But You have to help me out here.
Just pick up the marbles.
But it's like you hammering a nail into Daddy's head, What? And then saying to Jake, "Go on, get it out", when you did it.
Oh, my word.
Are you going to hospital to have the baby? I'm not really a big fan of hospitals.
I don't mind the hospital.
The nurses all know me.
They've got these special tongs for pulling memory sticks out of your throat.
Well, I think I'm going to have my baby at home.
The lady across the road did that.
Oh, right.
She screamed all night.
I really didn't know what was going on.
I thought there was a fox that had its paw stuck in a trap, and it was trying to bite its own leg off to get free.
Oh, right.
There was loads of blood, apparently.
Dad said they had to get the whole bedroom redecorated.
Could I have some more of water, do you think? No problem.
Bet it was you who spilt the marbles.
Oh, shoosh.
It just needs one more little nudge.
I think hang on If I get this might NO! I could just push him That's the most worst luck to open an umbrella inside! Don't be daft.
And it's green! Are you mad? I mean, you know, I'm biased, but it's got a lovely feel about it.
It's a very happy house.
SUE: Will you shut the hell up about it being green, or I'll ram it down your throat?! The lounge.
Stop nagging.
Well, ring bloody ChildLine then - see if I care.
This is the lounge.
Look, you've upset me and you've upset the bird.
Sorry I lost it, but you keep banging on about You've upset me! Doesn't matter superstitions and stuff.
Look, everyone just Oh, hell.
There are good schools.
There's a GP's surgery on the corner.
Also good.
Yeah, the doctor's really cool.
He said they had to put a camera up Dad's bottom.
And we're gonna put it on YouTube.
That's not going to happen.
My sister had a colonoscopy.
She said it was fine.
Yes, everyone tells me that.
Oh, poor thing.
Now, that has got to be bad luck.
Not just any bird in the house, but a dead bird in the house.
Why did he have to fly into the window? And this is the kitchen.
This is my wife.
Sue.
Hello, there.
Usually a bit tidier than this.
And, obviously, not usually a dead bird.
Right.
Well, thanks for showing us around.
Well, there's more to see.
No, it's fine, thank you.
Well, if you'd like to mull it over.
If you want to come back another time, have another look then I can't see that happening.
Really? My wife, she has a thing about birds in the house.
She says it's a bad omen.
Does she? We'll see ourselves out.
Yeah, well, mind out for the witches.
You shouldn't joke about witches.
They don't like it.
Oh, for God's sake.
Mum? Yes? Oh Jake! I'm so gonna Facebook all of this.
- I didn't mean to hurt the poor - Mum? Should I take the bird out into the garden and give it a post-mortem? No.
Alright.
But it is science.
It's not science, it's eurgh! Well, Leonardo da Vinci was always cutting up animals.
Along with most serial killers.
Aren't you going to read that? Only a text.
It's not a royal bloody summons.
Alright, alright.
You OK? Yeah.
So the Enlightenment, what a waste of bloody time that was.
Do you know, the year may be 2010, but our kids, they're just living in the Dark Ages.
Witches, crackpot conspiracy theories.
Yeah, I know.
Blind superstition, astrology.
Yeah.
You know, the more irrational it is, the more they just lap it up.
Still, don't worry.
They'll soon grow out of it.
Touch wood.