Paradise PD (2018) s03e04 Episode Script

1
So, we're just not gonna talk about how
you made a margarita outta my jizz?
Hey, fellas, we just got
a 911 call about a gun situation.
Paradise PD!
We got a call about a gun problem?
Goddamn right, there's a problem.
Everybody at this party has a gun,
except my nephew.
How the hell's
he supposed to shoot the piñata?
Hey, don't give him that.
That's dangerous!
Oh, relax, Kevin. It's just a piñata.
Good morning, Mr. Bullet.
And what are you doing?
You know, weird stuff with these
German businessmen for drug money.
Oh, hey, Hans.
Bullet, I was hoping
you'd put on one of these cute costumes
so I could film you
for my YouTube channel.
I know animals get tons of views,
so I was gonna put 'em on my cats,
but, funny story,
you fucking killed them all
and ruined my goddamn life!
I'm not gonna put on a stupid outfit
and be in some degrading video, all right?
That's the saddest thing
you can see an animal do.
Ja! Smack me where I scheisse.
Please, Bullet.
I really wanna be an influencer,
but I only got one subscriber
and it's some random bot
named Dusty's Mama
who keeps writing,
"Fuck you. Die, you fat fuck fuck!"
Well, have you considered
taking the feedback?
No, not at all
'cause my videos are really good. See?
Hey, guys!
This week I'm doing a reaction video.
Now, I just ate a bucket of shcrumps,
which I am deathly allergic to,
so I can have a reaction
My throat's closing up.
Don't forget to like and subscribe
Finally something on YouTube
worse than Cobra Kai, huh? Right? Yeah.
Hopson, I've got a problem.
Uh, me too.
I keep flushing my balls down the toilet.
Yeah
Let's talk about my problem.
I've really grown to love my wife,
but I'm afraid she's gonna leave me
because I'm having trouble
pleasing her sexually.
We even tried role-playing.
We did the whole
dolphin/Japanese fisherman scenario.
Why am I the dolphin again?
You ever try oceanic sex toys?
I've got a dolphin vibrator
called the cloaca quaker.
Yeah, we tried that already.
Huh, it ain't bad.
She did mention trying a threesome,
but I'm not gonna find someone
who'd have a threesome with a dolphin.
Are you kidding?
I know a great gal I could send your way.
Yeah
I don't think I wanna be with anyone
your dirty ass has been with.
Oh no, I'd never go with her.
She's not my type at all.
She's young, sexy, flexible,
and ain't got no ten-inch Latino penis.
Really? Thanks, Hopson!
How can I ever repay you?
Well, you could help me
plunge my nuts outta the toilet.
Ow! Shit! Hopson, what did I tell you
about leaving your balls laying around?
Dad, I told Mom
all about the piñata shooting.
Sounds like the town has a gun problem.
Oh, come on, Karen.
This town doesn't have a gun problem.
Look at me, y'all!
I'm a hurtful southern stereotype!
Okay. So we got a lot of guns.
But the more guns there are,
the safer the people are.
Randall, you're just defending guns
because you're a member of the NRA.
You're goddamn right.
Card-carrying member.
Ow!
The card is a functioning gun?
Oh, quit your bitching.
If this hadn't gone off in my wallet
and shot a hole in the condom,
you wouldn't even be here.
Dad, there's no good reason
why we can't have sensible gun control.
Oh, give it a rest, Kevin.
I'm sick of you liberals acting like guns
are the only dangerous thing in society.
Mayonnaise kills people.
Should we take all the mayonnaise away?
From Dusty? Yes.
Guys! I got my head
stuck in the mayonnaise jar again!
Look, I'm not the only one saying this.
You should listen to
other gun control advocates,
like Michael Moore.
Yeah, that guy needs to focus less on
gun control and more on portion control.
Stupid, fat sumbitch.
I agree with Kevin.
These gun incidents happen all the time,
and we never do anything about it.
Never do anything?
I'll have you know that
after the piñata fatalities,
I tweeted, "Thoughts and prayers."
Jesus reads those, you know.
Thoughts and prayers?
What more could a grieving family
possibly want?
Mom, you're the mayor.
You gotta do something.
Oh no. This town just had a tragedy.
That's the worst possible time
to prevent tragedies.
Look, before we become communist Canada,
let me teach you two
the importance of guns
by taking you on a tour of the NRA!
Fine, I'll go. But only if you watch
this Michael Moore video.
This bucket of shcrumps are guns,
and I'm America.
Uh-oh.
Oh, I get it.
He did what I did and made it "smart."
Oh, let's see. What confiscated drugs
am I gonna get high on tonight. huh?
Marijuana? Huh. What am I, 11?
Heroin? Yeah, what am I, 12?
Get out of here.
Ooh, hey, this is new.
Blowquila?
Cocaine-infused tequila.
Holy shit! Look at the tequila worm.
Huh! Now he's doing backflips.
Wait, now he's got a business plan
for a new app.
Well, I'm sold.
Whoa!
This is Ahh
This
This is the best high I've ever had.
Oh, Bullet! You
Well, you little cute little bastard.
I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
Yes, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
I'm a froofy loopy doopy scoopy
Poopy noopy Bunny Dog ♪
I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
I'm a froofy loopy doopy scoopy ♪
Oh God. Oh, this must be
what the guys in The Hangover felt like
after they saw the second movie.
- What the fuck?
- Isn't it great?
I just uploaded
the security cam footage to YouTube.
It's already got a million views!
Oh, you are an asshole, Dusty!
Oh, I haven't felt this violated
since I watched Cobra Kai.
Yeah, got 'em twice. Anyway, fuck off!
Oh, finally! Somebody's gonna help me!
Ooh! No, no, no! Don't flush my balls!
Welcome to the NRA.
Now we can have
an intelligent conversation
and stop acting like children
Oh my God! It's Bumpy the Bump Stock!
Chief! They have a gun pit!
Whoo-hoo!
Ha, ha! Yay!
Holy shit.
It's Charlton Heston's corpse!
"Pry this gun from my cold, dead hands
and win a Republican Senate seat!"
Wow!
Jesus. This dead fucker's got a grip.
Well, you must be Kevin and Karen.
I'm head of the NRA. Chip Fuck-Yeah.
Randall here told me you're thinking about
enacting some restrictive gun laws.
But I wanna show you why guns
aren't the problem. They're the solution.
Just check out this reenactment video
that imagines a world
where Jesus had guns.
Any last words, Jesus?
Yeah.
Messiah-nara, bitches.
Oh my dad! Oh my dad! Oh my dad!
- Convinced yet?
- No!
- No!
- I could thumb off to it.
Mr. Fuck-You, can we at least agree
we should do something to make guns safer?
You know, like smart guns.
I'm glad you said that
because the NRA
has actually developed smart guns.
Hi, I'm Mr. Bang Bang!
Ahh! What the hell?
Smart guns decide when to shoot
on their own,
so now blind people, babies,
hell, even animals can own guns,
as long as they're all white.
Bang-bang!
The NRA is hoping to replace
every gun with a smart gun
and make ownership mandatory.
What do you say, Mayor?
You wanna make Paradise great
for the first time?
There's no way I'd agree to flood my town
with guns that shoot on their own.
That's insane!
Oh, look at this,
a briefcase full of Russian money.
And fuck what I just said.
What? Mom! No!
Oh yeah. Oh yeah!
Shh. Have some respect. Jesus is comin'.
I feel safer already. How about you guys?
Come on, everyone. It's time
to give guns to people who deserve 'em.
Like, oh, I don't know Two, three, four
Guns for all the gangs downtown ♪
One for the schizo homeless clown ♪
Here's a gun for you, Chris Brown! ♪
Everyone gets a gun! ♪
This man who's lost both his eyes ♪
Satan in a bad disguise ♪
You're in jail?
Well, that's just fine! ♪
Everyone gets a gun! ♪
In the 18th century
Some white men had a dream ♪
That one day even children
Could own violent death machines ♪
Now guns will stop all heinous crimes
Like stealing candy from a baby ♪
Even this dog owns a gun ♪
But so does mailman Grady ♪
So guns for me and guns for you ♪
Militias, cults, and fetuses too ♪
'Cause everyone, everyone
Everyone, everyone ♪
Everyone gets a gun! ♪
You little fucker!
Mr. Bang Bang,
I told you to stop following me around.
We're not friends!
But I'm your gun, Kevie.
My job is to protect you.
I saved your life today
when I bang-banged that masked bandit.
That was the Hamburglar,
and he was signing copies
of his erotic novel!
Isn't this awesome?
Everyone has a great new smart gun
that matches their personality.
They sure do.
My gun and I have a lot in common.
Yep, we both unloaded into Abe Lincoln.
Look! My gun has guns!
I'm packing heat, you pickle dicks!
I don't feel like my gun
matches my personality.
Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.
You better stop eating all them bullets.
You gon' get dia-BBs.
And I got the best gun of all,
Jean-Claude Van Blam.
He's got a cool ponytail
and '80s action phrases!
Hey, Jean-Claude, tell Kevin what you said
when you shot that golfer.
Looks like you got
a hole in one.
Isn't he great? Fuck putt-putt.
Dad, these smart guns
have made Paradise even worse.
The hospital's
completely full of gunshot victims!
You're overreacting, Kevin.
These guns are keeping us safe.
And they were programmed by the NRA
to engage anything
they deem to be a threat.
Well, good morning, everybo
Uh, yeah. Fuck this shit.
Come on, Blowquila. Daddy needs a fix.
Oh, where did I hide you?
Bullet, my fans
are clamoring for a new Bunny Dog video.
And this one's gonna have
a high production value.
You know,
I just hired the casting director
that discovered Lena Dunham
and pulled her out of that swamp
she was living in.
There is absolutely nothing
Oh, that was a cheap shot even for us.
that'll make me do another one
of those humiliating videos.
Oh no? Ain't that a shame,
'cause lookee what I found.
Oh, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
Yes, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
I'm a froofy loopy doopy poopy
Scoopy Bunny Dog ♪
Oh, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
Yeah, I'm a Bunny Dog ♪
I'm a froofy loopy doopy poopy
Bunny Dog ♪
Oh yeah
Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪
Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪
Boing ding ba booby bunny
Bunny hop ♪
Boing ding ba booby bunny
Boing ding ba booby bunny ♪
Boing ding ba booby bunny
Bunny hop ♪
Think you could point that somewhere else?
Just keeping you safe.
Hi, good afternoon to you, sir.
We're the Jehovah's Witnesses.
We were wondering if you have
a minute to talk about the Lord?
Uh, I'm Jewish this season, thanks.
Oh, maybe you didn't hear my friends.
They asked if you had a minute
for the Lord.
I d-don't?
Then you can fucking meet him!
Kevin, that gun bang-banged you
for no good reason!
But that's impossible
because the NRA says
a gun always makes things better.
The NRA is full of shit.
What?
You only know what the NRA
programmed you to believe.
There's a lot about guns you don't know.
It's time you got woke, Mr. Bang Bang.
If you think that was shocking,
you should watch this Michael Moore video.
We need to get rid of guns
and make mayonnaise jars bigger.
Also, I'm regretting
eating all those shcrumps.
Wow, 10,000 subscribers!
And look at all these great comments
I'm getting.
"This was easy to masturbate to,
you fat fuck fuck."
See? Even Mama likes it.
Okay, I did your stupid video.
Now get me out of this thing.
- I'm done.
- Okay.
Let me just reach behind your back here
and rip the zipper thang off!
- Ha! Now you stuck in there forever.
- What?
Three years ago, I accidentally
ripped that zipper thang off my pants
and never got 'em off.
You son of a Wait, you've worn
the same pants for three years?
No, Bullet, that'd be gross.
Eventually, my body absorbed them.
You know,
like how a tree grows around a fence post.
That's not No, that's not possible.
Yeah-huh. The doctor calls it hungry skin.
To be safe,
I don't wear pants no more at all.
I just paint my bottom half blue.
Hold on.
You paint your pants on?
Well, sure.
You thought my pants came with an asshole?
Now let's go make another video.
I wanna get this done by four o'clock
Damn you, hungry skin!
Hey, Jean-Claude Van Blam,
I wrote some puns last night
I thought you could use.
"It's been gun."
Like, "It's been fun"?
- Sucks.
- Yeah, I know, right?
That was a fake pitch. No worries.
Got plenty more in here.
Shit. Shit. Fuck. Shit.
And that's why it's time
to live up to our name
and be smart guns.
If people won't have gun control,
we'll control ourselves.
Wait. You guys all figured out
sensible gun control? Just like that?
Yeah.
We have the brainpower
of a Tickle Me Elmo
and figured it out in five minutes.
And next, we're going on a nationwide tour
to spread our gun control message.
Thank you for finally making me pro-gun.
- Friends?
- Friends.
Sorry. I had one in the chamber.
Oh! That cum-eating prick.
Jean-Claude Van Blam,
stop those smart guns
before they spread their libtard message!
No can do, Chief. I'm with Mr. Bang Bang.
It's time we give gun control
another shot.
Hey, asshole!
You can't shit in my hand
unless you're my friend!
Baby, our threesome date
will be here any minute.
You're gonna love her.
What's she like?
Hopson said he met her on a cruise
and that she's a leggy squirter
who likes it deep.
And apparently pretty wild.
I hear she's got a lot of ink.
Why'd she knock eight times?
Well, like Jacques Cousteau once said,
I'm about to fuck an octopus.
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!
Get it off! Get it off!
Oh, oh, ooh!
Well, that don't feel so bad.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Oh!
Wh wh where you going?
You can't fit in there.
You can't fit in there!
Oh, she fit in there!
We cannot allow these smart guns
to go on tour
with that logical
and easily digestible message.
We have to do something fast
before those guns
infringe on our gun rights.
Yes, Gary?
Wait, so we're anti-gun or pro-gun?
It's not hard, Gary.
We're anti-anti-gun-gun.
Gary, put your goddamn hand down, please.
How about a waiting period before
these guns can shoot their mouths off?
Thirty days or so for 'em to calm down.
What about the AR-15s?
They talk faster than normal guns
and convince, like, 100 people a minute.
We should ban those outright!
Guys, let's not forget our position here.
The Second Amendment says
Gina, we're dealing with a type of gun
the Founding Fathers
could never have anticipated.
The Second Amendment
isn't relevant to modern day.
- Um
- Shut the fuck up, Gary!
All right now,
I think there's only one solution.
We have to take all the guns away
before the guns get our guns taken away.
Yeah, let's go in there
and get my cum-eating son.
It's okay. It was my cum. Nothing weird.
Really, Gary? No questions?
I can't believe the NRA
is coming to take my guns.
Don't worry, guys. I'll get you
to the airport to start your tour.
- Kevin! Pull over and give us the guns!
- No!
Shoot Mr. Bang Bang. He's the leader.
We can't.
All our guns are in the car with him.
- We still have one gun.
- Well, bring it out.
From his cold, dead
Seriously, the grip on this guy.
I'm glad you're happy,
but my dick will never talk to me again.
Hi, I'm Hopson's flexible,
leggy, squirter friend.
- I'm here for the threesome.
- Wait, you're Hopson's friend?
Where the fuck this octopus come from?
Hey, I'm Jim from the aquarium.
We're looking for an escaped octopus.
Oh, there you are.
Wait a minute.
Why's it got a post-coital glow?
Hey, Jay! This maniac fucked the octopus!
Hey, Miss Dolphin, all due respect,
your husband's a fucking weirdo.
Sorry, Dusty. Bunny Dog ends now.
Wow, I gotta say, he's quite the artist.
I won't be a slave to you anymore,
Blowquila.
I'm gonna drink this whole thing,
even if it kills me.
I mean, I could pour it out,
but then, come on.
Oh!
Oh God.
Holy shit, I did it!
Dusty doesn't have power over me anymore.
Ah, ah, ah, ahhh.
Don't forget about your lil' friend,
the Blowquila-soaked worm.
I'm gonna get one more video out of you.
And this time, Bunny Dog has a new friend
Bunny Pig.
Fresh off her HBO show Gir
Stop it, Dusty. I don't wanna hear
another Lena Dunham cheap shot.
How dare you.
Lena Dunham is brave and beautiful.
Is that enough? All right.
Let's shoot this shit.
Ow! Fuck! Ow! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Ow! Shit!
Ow!
Thank you, Blowquila worm.
You're the best friend I ever had.
Goddamn it, I am such an addict.
Shoes in the bins.
Cell phones in the bins.
No water bottles past this point.
Are you wearing a belt?
It's over, Kevin.
Nobody's ever fought the NRA and won.
These guns are not getting on that plane.
Dad, all we want are sensible gun laws.
And you still haven't given me
one good reason why we can't have it.
You want a good reason? Fine.
Here's a good reason.
I need guns to get an erection.
Please go on.
Ever since I lost my testicles,
the only way I can get hard
is by holding or firing a gun.
And he's not alone.
No one in the NRA has testicles.
Well, the NRA actually started
as a support group,
the Nards Removed Association.
But we learned that
shooting or even holding a gun
acts as a testosterone replacement.
Chip's right.
I mean, I can get a little hard
without guns, but it's never 100%.
I mean, the outside gets hard,
but it's soft in the middle.
It's like a can of crescent rolls.
That's why the NRA is so important, son,
to comfort a bunch of scared white men
with limp dicks.
Dad, we're not trying to take your guns
or your boners.
We just want
some common-sense regulations,
like maybe not giving
assault weapons to crazy people.
Wait, so are you saying
you don't want to take my guns away
like the NRA says you do?
You know, maybe we can make small tweaks,
like stricter background checks
or not giving guns to the mentally ill.
Fuck that!
I got a sloshy bag of goulash for a dick.
I'm not letting anyone get in the way
of my purple-headed custard chucker.
Die, guns!
Mr. Bang Bang!
I'm sorry we
won't get to change the world together,
Kevin.
Goodbye.
Bang bang.
No one should outlive his gun.
They're supposed to bury us.
Hey, Chief. It's been
gun.
Hey, he did one of mine.
He did one of mine!
There was a mass shooting
at the airport today.
Seventy-six guns were shot,
by which I mean killed,
and gun owners across the country
are up in arms.
Now, it's one thing to see
loved ones get shot, or kids.
As a nation, we're used to that.
But gun-on-gun violence?
What's next? Man-on-woman porn?
What, they have that?
This horrible event has finally led
to massive gun legislation being passed,
which will take America
from an enormous 400 million guns
to a barely noticeable 390 million guns,
in what is being called
the Anti-Anti-Anti-Gun-Gun-Gun Bill.
Here to explain it,
is NRA spokesperson Gary.
Hi. Hi are you?
Put your goddamn hand down, Gary.
Be strong, America,
and take solace in knowing
those guns are in a better place now.
Hmm. Randall Crawford's
"thoughts and prayers" tweet
only got three likes.
Takes at least ten for me
to prevent the next tragedy.
Oh well. Fuck it.
Guns for all the gangs downtown ♪
One for the schizo homeless clown ♪
Here's a gun for you, Chris Brown! ♪
Everyone gets a gun! ♪
This man who's lost both his eyes ♪
Satan in a bad disguise ♪
You're in jail?
Well, that's just fine! ♪
Everyone gets a gun! ♪
In the 18th century
Some white men had a dream ♪
That one day even children
Could own violent death machines ♪
Now guns will stop all heinous crimes
Like stealing candy from a baby ♪
Even this dog owns a gun ♪
But so does mailman Grady ♪
So guns for me and guns for you ♪
Militias, cults, and fetuses too ♪
'Cause everyone, everyone
Everyone, everyone ♪
Everyone gets a gun! ♪