Parks and Recreation s03e04 Episode Script

Ron? Jack Cooper, from the Controller's Office.
Got a second? Sure, what can I do you for? Frankly, this is a little awkward.
We've received this letter from a collection agency about an outstanding debt from the Pawnee Public Library.
It appears you have an overdue book.
Oh, do I? Embracing Life with a Micro-Penis.
Tammy.
My ex-wife Tammy likes to check in every so often and make sure I'm doing okay.
And if I am, she tries to everything up.
Okay, I pre-dialed 911, so all you have to do is press send.
You're worrying over nothing.
If she binds your hands and you can't reach your phone, just try to chew yourself free.
Whale tail.
Whale tail.
She's flashing a whale tail.
Abort.
Abort.
Hello, Tammy.
Oh! Hello, Ron.
I didn't see you come in.
I was just checking myself for scoliosis.
And? Straight as an arrow.
Just like somebody else I know.
Jerky? Call off the dogs.
You and I both know that in my entire adult life, I have never checked a book out of the library.
Oh, my God, she's amazing.
Ooh! Mmm.
I admit there was a time when that sort of behavior would've driven me wild.
But I am in a healthy relationship now, Tammy.
A relationship? With whom? A lovely, intelligent, self-possessed pediatric surgeon named Wendy.
Sounds like a real whore.
Clear the late charges and cut the crap.
Good day.
Good day, Leslie.
Good Good day.
Okay, so we're ordering them a total of 30 pizzas, so let's talk toppings.
Sausage, onion, and peppers.
Scientifically proven to be the best toppings.
Nice.
Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option? Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Yeah, Ben, these guys are cops, not ballerinas.
So we are throwing a little shindig for the police department because we're asking them to volunteer as security during the Harvest Festival.
I don't know what it is about big outdoor gatherings that makes everyone want to urinate all over everything, but it does.
And they do.
Okay, how about some calzones? Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat.
They're dumb, and so was that idea.
Seriously? This is embarrassing for you.
Sorry to interrupt.
Ron, are you ready? Absolutely, my dear.
I am off to have a mid-morning pre-lunch with my lady friend, but I will be back in time for lunch.
All right.
Ron's girlfriend's pretty.
Tom's ex-wife.
Oh.
I don't want to see them together.
It's like they're rubbing it in my face.
All I can think about is Captain Mustache plowing my ex-wife.
And you imagine he's wearing a cape while he's plowing her? What? No, just, Captain Mustache? I mean, if all you can think of is Ron, you know Maybe put him in some tights and a cape, and then it would be funny.
Now I'm imagining a cape.
April? Did you call me? I did call you.
Good ears.
Chris's assistant went back to Indianapolis, so he's borrowing me for a few days.
Yay! I'd like you to get me some more Post-its.
I'd like them in multiple colors.
I'd like green.
I'd like yellow.
Do not buy orange.
I do not want orange.
I have plenty of orange.
Got it.
You want five million orange Post-its.
That's hilarious.
Oh, wait! I have a Post-it for you.
It says, "Great job!" Mmm Great job.
Mmm There you go.
They're getting really old, and I'm an only child.
I just feel like the right thing to do is to move back home.
I'm sorry to see you go.
I've really come to think of you as a companion.
Hey, I don't suppose you'd want to move to Canada? Canada.
No, I don't suppose I would.
Hey, I hate to nag, but shouldn't we be talking strategy, like, when to ask the chief for this huge critical favor? Yes.
I know exactly when we should do it.
Post-pizza, pre-ice cream, between his third and fourth beer.
He'll be full but not stuffed, tipsy but not drunk.
Should be around 9:00.
Okay, so you've thought this through.
Just sit tight.
I'll get you a beer.
Can I have two beers, please? Hey, you okay? Wendy and I are over.
She's moving back to Canada.
It's too bad.
I just taught her how to whittle.
She made me this tiny sharpened stick.
Look, I'm gonna tell you what I tell all my girlfriends when they get dumped.
Men are dogs.
Thank you, Leslie.
That does not apply to this situation at all.
But thank you.
I appreciate it.
This is a disaster.
You're not into football? I knew there was something wrong with you.
I knew it.
I knew it, knew it, knew it.
Honestly, I haven't felt this good in years.
And it's not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity.
It's him.
He's moving back to Indianapolis in a couple of weeks, which sucks.
But if he asked me to move with him, I think I would.
I would like a local beer.
I'd like it in a bottle.
I'd like the bottle to be cold.
I would like a glass of white wine.
I would like it to be chardonnay.
And I would like that with one ice cube.
Thanks.
Chief Trumple? Hey, Knope.
You know Ben Wyatt from the State Budget Office.
Hello.
Yeah, how's it going? Thanks for the party.
Good pizza.
Great.
So, yeah, the pizza's dynamite, isn't it? I just said it was good pizza.
It's good.
Pizza's good.
You You know what I like? Calzones.
What the hell is wrong with this guy? Sorry.
We'll check in with you later.
Take it easy.
Yeah, will do.
What is wrong with you? I was getting somewhere with that.
Yeah, great small talk over there.
Okay, let me handle this.
I get a little nervous with cops.
I'm in control.
What's up? Tom Haverford's in the building.
Whoo! Tom, what the hell are you doing? Same thing you're doing, celebrating Pawnee's finest.
I believe you know my date, Tammy Swanson.
Hi-ya, Ron.
Oh.
Hi-ya, Ron.
Hey, Ron.
I'm sorry.
Is seeing your ex-wife on my arm making you uncomfortable? Gee, I can't imagine why.
Or can I? I like this song.
Do you wanna dance, Tammy? Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh.
Ah.
I know Tammy seems scary.
But really, she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library-book-peddling, sex-crazed she-demon.
Yeah.
I think that's enough.
Tammy.
Hi, Ron.
I was just tasting my new boyfriend, Glenn.
Tom.
You don't know what you're mixed up in, son.
This isn't about you.
It's about me.
Typical Ron Swanson.
Always thinking about yourself.
Maybe we like each other.
Yeah, maybe we do.
Okay.
Let's take it easy.
Tammy, leave him out of this.
So it's okay for you to have a girlfriend, but I'm not supposed to see anybody? Damn it, woman! Just crawl back into the dank hole you came from and leave my friends alone.
Okay, okay.
Let's settle down.
What seems to be the problem? What seems to be the problem? Is there a problem here? Basically what we had here was a dispute of a domestic nature.
White male, 40, 45.
Caucasian male.
Stocky build.
Approximately 5'10".
Verbal altercation transpired at approximately 8:55 P.
M.
with a female unsub.
Appears to be slightly intoxicated.
Claims to be an ex-spouse.
Real piece of work.
Real piece of work.
Real piece of work.
Real piece of work.
I know why you're doing this, and you're making a huge mistake.
Fight fire with fire, Leslie.
He dates my ex, I date his.
Ron and Wendy aren't even dating anymore.
She's moving back to Canada.
What? Oh, God.
Okay, hey.
What's happening here? Ron and I are going to get a cup of coffee and talk things out.
It's time for Tammy and me to bury the hatchet once and for all.
Everything will be fine.
It's been like this for hours.
Right there.
Right there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Hey, Swanson! Snap out of it! Leslie.
Congratulate us.
Ron's got one just like it on his penis.
Oh, yeah.
What the hell happened to you? Well Here you go.
Rock and roll! Yeah, baby! I got it! You may now kiss the bride.
It's been kind of a crazy night.
Come back, come back.
April, could you come in here a second? April, way to come in.
Great initiative.
You called me in.
Listen, could you please call Ann Perkins and tell her that I will be unable to enjoy lunch with her today, as I am just swamped.
All day.
Copy that.
Hi, Ann.
This is April.
I'm just calling to let you know that Chris can't make lunch today.
I knew you wouldn't care.
Good-bye.
They started having sex at the court house.
We had no choice.
Oh, well, I completely understand.
Chief, I need to ask you a huge favor.
Leslie.
Ron is a good man who just got caught up in something terrible.
And I was hoping that maybe you would reduce his charges and release him into my custody.
All right.
But keep him away from that crazy librarian.
I'll do my best.
In fact, I don't want him within 500 feet of the library.
That's good advice for all of us.
Nothing but trouble there.
Thanks a lot, bro.
Sorry.
Hey, stop.
Take me back to Tammy.
For the millionth time, no.
That was not the favor we needed to ask for, Leslie.
If we don't get the police for the Harvest Festival, there is no Harvest Festival.
I know.
I'll figure it out later.
Can you turn the radio off? This is our song.
Your song is Dancing on the Ceiling by Lionel Richie? Oh, wow, look at that.
You shaved off part of your mustache.
That's lovely.
I didn't shave it off.
It rubbed off.
From friction.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
Ron Swanson, this is an intervention.
You have been spending the last 24 hours sipping on joy juice and tripping on Tammy.
Well, the people in this room are your methadone.
And we're here to get you clean.
Congratulations! Holy matrimony, there's the man of the hour.
Jerry, what is this? That is the set of tumblers that I got from the registry.
This is an intervention.
I thought you said on the phone it was a reception.
Okay.
All right, let's begin.
I would like to address the goofy-Iooking, dirty-kimono-wearing, corn-rowed clown in the room.
If you see Ron Swanson, can you give him this message? You used to be a man.
You need to get your house in order.
Look, I love you like a brother, but right now, I hate you like my actual brother, LeVondrious, who I hate.
Okay, Tom.
Ron, you look great.
Your skin is glowing.
I've never seen you so happy.
Okay, sit down.
Andy.
Ron, I do not really understand what is going on right now.
But no matter what, you must keep going.
No.
You must stop.
I love you, buddy.
Follow your dreams.
Powerful stuff.
April? What are you doing here? I work for your boyfriend.
What are you doing here? I came to see why Chris stood me up for lunch, but I think I just figured it out.
Because he doesn't like you.
No, I'm pretty sure that's not it.
Actually it's because I didn't call you deliberately.
Which, if you ask me, is a fire-able offense.
So I would tell him that.
Also, he's not into you sexually.
Ann Perkins.
April Ludgate.
Literally two of my favorite people on earth.
I'm sorry that I had to cancel lunch.
Not at all.
It's not a problem.
April here was very apologetic on the phone.
She also sent me flowers.
April.
Nice touch.
Hello, Ron.
It's Ron.
If you're watching this, it means that once again you have danced with the devil.
Right now, you're probably thinking, "Tammy's changed.
We'll be happy together.
" But you're only thinking that because she's a monstrous parasite who entered through your privates and lodged herself in your brain.
So you have two choices.
One, get rid of Tammy, or two, lobotomy and castration.
Choose wisely.
You stupid.
This is a waste of time.
You people have no idea what you're talking about.
That was you on the tape.
That was you talking.
Ron? Ron! Ron.
There you are.
Ron.
Stop it.
God, please.
Ron, don't do that.
Oh, it's done, Leslie.
Tammy and I are in love, and we're gonna start a family together.
In fact, she's ovulating.
So if you'll excuse us, we're heading off on our honeymoon.
Wow.
Where are you going? Jerry.
We're gonna spend 11 days in my cabin in the woods.
We bought 10 cases of Gatorade and a Oh, God.
- Give me it.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
Ann and I are headed out and I just wanted to thank you for everything today, and I will see you tomorrow.
Hi, Chris.
Ron Swanson has sent me over to deliver to you this document.
"To whom it may concern, dear Chris, "there is an emergency regarding the Parks Department, "and April may just be the only person who can help.
"I can't get into details because it's super-classified.
"Please release April back to us permanently.
"God bless America.
"Love, Bert Macklin, FBI.
" What? Okay.
Well, bye.
April, listen.
If you don't want to work for me, I'm not gonna force you.
You didn't have to do this.
She didn't do that.
That was Dude, I think it sounds like it was Macklin's call.
Look, I get it.
You're young, and trying isn't cool.
But I think you're smart.
I'm gonna be going back to Indianapolis soon, and I think you should come work for me.
Wow, move all the way to Indianapolis, so I can pick up your vitamins and supplements.
Everybody starts somewhere.
You'll travel, and you will meet interesting people.
Think about it.
Okay.
I will.
Apparently he wants April to move to Indianapolis with him.
So that's something.
I hope you're happy.
Look, I just wanted to show him what it felt like to have your ex-wife date someone you know.
Whatever happened after that is not my fault.
Yes, it is.
Tom, you did a really crappy thing, and I think deep down, you know that.
Whatever happens to Ron Swanson is on you.
Excuse me, chief.
Sorry to interrupt.
Hey, calzone boy, what's up? Well, here's hoping that that nickname doesn't stick.
Right? But that's not why I'm here.
Leslie Knope asked you for a favor the other day, but the real favor we need is much bigger.
You mean, like calzone size? Ah! Sure.
We need the Pawnee police force to volunteer as security during the upcoming Harvest Festival.
Now, the city won't let us throw the festival unless Say no more.
Just send me a schedule of how many officers you need and when.
Really? Just like that? Leslie Knope gets as many favors as she needs.
Can I ask why? Because she's the kind of a person who uses favors to help other people.
And also, my buddy Dave was the crankiest bastard in the department till he started dating Leslie.
So she Okay.
Are they still dating or No.
Moved to San Diego a year ago.
Was it a serious thing, or What do you care? You a pervert? Nope, nope.
I'm all good.
Everything's fine.
This is fine.
Don't think I won't do it.
I'll wear this to work.
All right, one more.
What's in here, huh? A new library card? Read the name.
"Tammy Swanson Swanson.
" You guys, that's amazing.
Well, you about ready to go, my love? Yeah.
Wait, wait, Ron! Stop! Tom? Jerry, what the hell? Don't do it.
She doesn't love you.
You don't know what you're talking about.
What are you doing here? Yes, I do, okay? When I asked her to be my date, she cackled for a full minute and said, and I quote, "Anything to make Ron miserable.
" It's not real, man.
She's just messing with you.
He's lying, Ron.
Stay out of this, Glenn.
It's Tom! And I'm not lying.
I'm not gonna let you destroy Ron.
You're just gonna have to Ow! Ow! He's attacking me, Ron! Kill him! Yeah! Do your worst, Glenn! You're gonna have to do better than that.
Why are you hitting yourself, Glenn? Stop hitting yourself.
Tammy, that's enough! What? Hey, baby.
You almost had me.
Again.
But seeing you pick on this pathetic, defenseless little man Hey.
reminded me what kind of a monster you are.
You're a joke.
You're not even a man anymore.
Oh, and by the way, last night, I faked four out of the seven.
So did I.
Let's go, son.
Hey.
Hey.
Sorry about the whole mess.
The crisis has been averted, so let's go talk to the chief.
I already talked to him.
They'll give us the hours we need, no problem.
Great.
What a relief.
Yeah.
Hey, are you hungry? I haven't eaten.
You know, yeah.
There's a really great calzone place over in "Idiotville.
" Oh, really? Down on "Terrible Idea Avenue.
" Okay.
That's weird.
'Cause I thought it was on" Beating-a-Dead-Horse Boulevard.
" Calzones are pointless.
They're just pizza that's harder to eat.
No one likes them.
Good day, sir.
Leslie, I You know, I I'm just kidding.
Let's go.
Okay.
That was funny.
High and tight.
Do you think it's gonna leave a scar? Tom, women like scars.
Shows you survived an attack, and they'll assume the attack was from a man.
Sorry, Ron, about everything.
To true love.
May we both find it.
I'll drink to that.
Nice glasses.
Wedding present from Jerry.
You're not gonna return them? Nah, too much hassle.