Playing House (2014) s03e04 Episode Script

I gotta say, for a hospital cafeteria, that a was a very good hoagie.
- Yeah.
Refreshing, right? - Yeah.
Ooh! Hey, Mags.
Can I take some of this gauze home? What do you need gauze for? Sometimes I like to wrap Charlotte up - like a little mummy.
- Don't touch anything.
You're gonna get me in trouble.
Maggie Oh, hey, Emma.
Did you guys hear about the guy in room 304? - Uh-uh, what? - Secret vasectomy.
Wait, what is that? He's got six kids, and he doesn't want anymore.
So he told his wife he was coming in for an appendectomy.
Well, he's a third of the way to a Duggar's situation.
- So can you blame him? - No, I can't.
Winter is coming! - What? - Oh, my God.
Get out of here.
You gotta get out of here.
You can't be behind here.
- Paging Dr.
Yes Please.
- You are heavier than you look.
Hey.
Just got some test uh, the samples of the test that Back.
I just actually wanted to ask you a favor.
Yeah, what is it? The hospital is doing a promotional video all about the nurse's program, and I thought of you.
- Oh.
For what? - To be in the video.
I think you'd be perfect for it.
You're one of our best nurses.
- Oh.
- You know, I did some summer stock.
I was in an all male production of "Kiss Me Kate.
" It was very edgy.
Very raw.
I was Kate.
Jeff, there are so many other things that you should be doing right now.
How's that? No.
So, look.
You don't have to be in it, but I'm gonna do it, and I thought maybe we could do it together? - I will do it.
- You will? - Yup.
- Well, that's great.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
Great.
- Thank you.
- Thank you for thinking of me.
Good.
All right.
See you in the hallway.
What was that? Who is that guy? He's Dr.
Ericson.
Dr.
Popsicle.
Oh, my God.
This is just like "Pride and Prejudice.
" - Just with worst clothes.
- Hey, they're scrubs.
I've told you.
I'm not allowed to cinch them at the waist.
I'm gonna start planning your wedding.
- Okay, you're overreacting.
- And I'm taking this gauze.
Put it back! For the veil.
You're not as graceful as you think you are.
Hey, remember when All of time stood still - Ooh! - Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Back before we were brittle Back before we were brittle I can't believe you're eating a family sized plate of spaghetti at 7:30 in the morning.
- I'm carbo-loading.
- For what? I volunteered to teach a bike safety class for the community center.
- Wait, what are you eating? - Cantaloupe.
- Like a normal person.
- That was my head melon! What a head melon? A head melon is the melon I hand to a child to smash against the pavement at the end of class so they'll see what'll happen if they don't wear a helmet.
Okay, that's horrifying.
Never do that to children.
We give it a name so they'll develop an attachment.
- What are you talking about? - And once it's smashed, I bring out two smaller melons to grieve.
Good morning! Ooh! Lookie, lookie.
Who stole the cookie now? You've stepped it up to a smoky eye.
Yeah, today's the video shoot.
Is that why we did it? For the video shoot? Yeah.
- Or is it for Dr.
Ericson? - No.
Who is Dr.
Ericson? He's a handsome doctor that Maggie's in love with - who's also in love with Maggie.
- None of that is true.
- Did you put on a push-up bra? - Hey, hands off the merch! 'Cause they're up, and they're ready to play.
I'm wearing different scrubs, okay? So I had to wear a different bra.
- Is he single? - I don't know anything about his personal life because all we talk about are bedpans and bloody sheets.
Well, I've seen enough "US Weeklys" to know that the stars They are just like us.
And when you guys get together on set Mmm! That magic's gonna explode.
Okay, well, he's not a star.
He's a doctor.
A very gifted doctor.
You know, doctors know all of the appropriate medical terminology for your erogenous zones.
Hey, Zach, not in front of Charlotte.
A masseuse once stimulated my popliteal fossa so much - I had to excuse myself.
- Oh, Zach! It's the back my knee.
Wow, this is a lot of people, right? Yeah.
I'm nervous.
Are you nervous? Really? You don't seem nervous.
- Well - You never do.
Yeah, I'm just good at faking it, really.
Um.
Have you done something different with your hair? Uh, yeah.
Just a little beachy wave.
- It's nice.
- I also have on a push-up bra.
- Me too.
- I don't know why I said that.
- What? - Sorry.
What? I thought you said you do push-ups.
What did you say? I wish that is what I had said, but I said that I have on a push-up bra.
I'm not, by the way.
I'm not I didn't put one on today.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
Yo, yo! My stars! How's it going? You feel stoked? Feel stoked? You look beautiful.
What's happening? - What's up? You're gorgeous.
- No.
- What's up, handsome? - Hello.
I'm the director.
My name is Duff.
Okay? So basically, when I say action, I need you to be a doctor and you to be a nurse.
Okay, well that should be easy because he's a doctor and I'm a nurse.
Oh, dip! You're already there! - You're already in character.
- Mmhmm.
I need you two to have a connection, okay? Okay.
Beyond the doctor/nurse relationship, there's something underneath, right? You're not just coworkers.
There's a vibe.
There's a magic.
You gotta catch it.
Do you get it? Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, probably.
- Absolutely.
'Cause that magic - that we create together - Yeah.
That's the stuff that's gonna win us those Dusters.
Right.
Sorry.
What's a duster? Oh, that's basically the Oscars for industrials.
- Yeah.
- I got two of them.
One for a CostCo spot I did last month, - and then I worked with Merrill.
- Meryl Streep? Lynch.
All right, we got five.
Let's do this! Let's make this magic! Right.
So this guy is a complete idiot.
I might totally understand if you want to bail, but please don't 'cause I don't think I can do this without you.
Are you kidding, man? I want one of those Dusters.
- I do, too.
- I want that Duster - on my shelf, yo.
- Oh, yes please.
Now, remember: "Wear your helmet like a hat, or" - Do it, Vernon.
- "Your brain goes splat!" Oh, no! No! Okay.
You guys put your helmets on, and ride like the wind.
Go! Hiya! Hiya! Great class, Zach.
Charlotte loves cantaloupe.
Bruce! What are you doing here? And this little angel's too young for bike riding.
I'm not here for Char-bar.
I'm here for I-don't-know-how-to-ride-a-bike.
What'd you say? I-don't-know-how-to-ride-a-bike.
What's that? I don't know how to ride a bike.
A grown man who can't ride a bike? What's wrong with you? Shut up, Vernon.
You don't know how to drive a car.
- Nailed it.
- Well, no, Bruce.
You didn't nail it because Vernon is a child.
So no one expects him to be able to drive, but you're a grown man.
- You-you can't ride a bike? - You're right, Zach.
Also, I apologize, Vernon.
I didn't realize you're a child.
- It's okay.
- I'm gonna get going.
Bruce, do you want me to offer to teach you to ride a bike? - That's right.
- Yeah, I thought so.
- I'll do it.
- You don't if you want.
- You want to? - But first, I want you to - clean up this melon.
- Is it a lesson? Is it is this, like, "Karate Kid?" - Sure, Bruce.
- Melon on, melon off.
Here at Pinebrook Memorial Hospital, the doctors work hand in hand with nurses to provide patients with the best care possible.
- Here's that file, Doctor.
- Thank you very much.
'Cause we're not just coworkers.
We're family.
And cut! Oh! You guys are crushing it.
Let's lunch! So, um sorry about the Putting my arm around you.
Oh, yeah.
I noticed that you did that.
Yeah, it's just I felt it in the moment - so I just wanted to - It was nice, it was, uh It was a nice moment to feel.
Good.
Well, um, I'm gonna go and get one of those sandwiches I've been hearing so much about.
Oh, yeah.
Those have been out for a while so maybe hit the cafeteria.
Good call.
So, yeah.
Okay.
- See you after lunch.
- All right.
"Good call?" "Felt it in the moment?" This is writing itself.
What are you doing here? You can't just keep showing up.
That was electric.
- What are you talking about? - You and Dr.
E.
It was, like, "The Notebook.
" I was gonna pull an alarm and just have it rain down.
Did you see him put his arm around me? - Uh, that wasn't in the script.
- I know! So here's the next step.
I want you to go over there and ask him to have lunch with you.
- No.
I can't.
- Yes.
- No, no.
Right now? - Yes.
Yes, you can.
And don't you worry about me 'cause I got one of those hoagie's in my purse.
Okay.
I'll do it.
Go get him, Gosling.
Whoa.
Who's that woman in the chunky wedge? Oh, no.
Guess we're going halfsies on that hoagie.
I already ate half.
- I don't buy it.
- They kissed on the mouth.
She kissed him, and there is no way that Colin Firth is attracted to a woman wearing a chunky wedge.
Well, if that's the kind of woman he wants, he obviously isn't interested in this old rag.
- Hey, ladies.
- Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.
What do you know about the woman that Dr.
E's been running around with? Not much, but her name is Apryl with a Y, she's a producer from New York, she has a Missoni bag, which I know is real because I checked.
She spends her summers in Naples and her winters in Jersey City, and she was spotted with Dr.
Ericson last night - eating fro-yo.
- Do you think that they're, like, together? 'Cause we saw them kiss.
Oh, my God, of course they did! I have to go tell Nancy down in the morgue.
She's gonna die! Oh.
God, what am I thinking? Of course salt-and-pepper gorgeous doctor with a gift for healing people is taken.
I'm sorry, Cathy Cartoon.
Sweat, sweat, tears.
Cats, chocolate! - Not a current reference.
- Not interested! Now I want you to get down there and charm him with your signature body rolls.
How am I gonna work body rolls into a nursing video? You'll find a way.
Come on.
Give me some of those body rolls.
Yeah.
Okay! Yeah! I still don't feel good.
Don't worry, Charlotte.
Don't be afraid! She's not afraid, Bruce.
You're afraid.
I'm gonna hold on to you till we get going, - then I'm gonna let go.
- Don't let go.
Never let go.
Well, relax.
If you fall down, you're gonna get back up again.
- Chumbawamba? - I don't know what that is.
Doesn't matter.
My dad always used to say to me, "If you fall down, stay down.
"Play dead, Bruce.
That's the only way you'll ever survive.
" That is extremely disturbing.
I really just want to be able to teach Char-bar one day.
You're a good dad, Bruce.
You are, too, Zach.
Okay.
- Now keep your head up.
- Okay.
Don't look at the ground.
Look where you want to go.
There you go! No, no, no, no.
Don't look at the ground! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Ow! Well, that's a lesson for you, Charlotte.
Ow! - This - Oh, God! Is what it sounds like when a grown man cries.
Look, I want you to remember your lines, and then forget them.
Okay, I think I got it.
Also, you have a secret, but don't tell me what it is.
Let us know that you have one, but don't tell the secret.
Okay, I'm a little confused on that one.
Shh! It's a secret.
Maggie.
Hi.
- Hey.
- It's your big scene.
Yeah, yeah, I guess.
So I missed you at lunch.
I saved you a seat.
Oh, I thought you had other plans.
All right! Pictures up! Roll sound, please! Um, do you mind if I watch? That wouldn't make you nervous? No, I'd love for you to watch.
Great.
'Cause I'd love to watch you.
Sorry.
Yeah.
That's Okay.
Uh, yes.
Good luck.
- Thank you.
- With it.
- Clear the set! - Okay! Thanks, Jimmy.
Everybody set? And action! Here at Pinebrook Memorial, we believe that hands-on experience is the best way to learn.
That's why we pair our nurses with doctors with doctors with doctors with hands-on experience on your shoulders and secret whispers.
Pinebrook Memorial We're doing it right All night And we're doing it, and doing it - And doing it right - Cut! Cut! All right! Okay.
Good, good, good.
I like your creativity.
This is a dialogue, right? Yeah, yeah.
Let's just do it again, but can we have absolutely no singing? - 'Cause it's super weird.
- No! No? It's not a word I like, okay? I don't say it, and I don't spray it.
Okay, man.
I wasn't saying no to you.
There it is again! I think I just need a little space.
Would you mind backing off? Listen, sweetie! You don't have to respect me, but you will respect my Dusters.
"A duhhh! You gotta respect my Dusters!" You have a weird hat, man! - You think my hat's weird? - Yeah, I think your hat's weird.
I think you need to control your set.
You got a bunch of wild cards walking around, rubbing people's shoulders in clomp-clomp city with their chunky wedges, and I'm not interested.
Okay? So let's take it from the top! That's my line! Take it from the top! And action! He's just such a good guy, so of course he's taken.
He's Liam Neeson taken.
But I know you two have good chemistry.
I've seen it.
That doesn't mean he doesn't have a girlfriend.
I'm gonna need to get my eyes on this situation.
What are you doing? I'm using the bird's eye view camera so we'll see if Dr.
E and Chunky Wedge leave together.
We're gonna sit here all night? That's your plan? Yeah.
I got an eight of a hoagie left in my purse.
- What's wrong with you? - Fine.
I'll find another way to get in there.
- Break my leg or something.
- You're not gonna do that.
Yeah.
That's right.
I'd break my leg for you.
- Are you surprised to hear that? - No, you wouldn't.
Yes, I would.
I would snap it in half like those guys from the Mafia.
Slow your roll, Paulie Walnuts.
Bruce, it is now or never.
Do not look at the ground.
Okay? Look at Charlotte.
It's all for her.
It's working.
I'm riding a bike! Charlotte, your uncle Zach is a genius.
Where are you going? Anywhere I want! We'll pick him up at Sizzler's.
We just have a routine physical in 203.
Maggie, before we go in, - can I ask you a question? - Yes.
It's, uh It's a lady question.
- Okay.
- Is it normal for a woman to kiss you full on the lips every time they meet you? Is this a woman that you know well? No.
I don't know her at all.
It's the producer from the video promo shoot.
I mean, she gives me a full lip plant every time she meets me.
It's, um Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think I I feel like I vaguely remember seeing that.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
She said, um, "That's just how we roll in show business.
" Well, that's not true.
I mean, I don't think that's right.
I thought she was your girlfriend.
- What? - Yeah.
- No.
- No? No.
And she's not my type.
At all.
Oh, yeah? Okay, um, I think we should probably - Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hello, doctor.
And hello, nurse I've never met before.
What are you doing? So are your hours terrible? That must be hard for your wife.
I'm not married.
Okay.
Her eyes are fine.
Yeah, maybe just check her ears 'cause I don't think she's hearing words - when people say them.
- What I do have, doctor, is a huge heart because I would just do anything for the people that I love.
And when was the last time you had a physical? I don't know.
Probably when I was, like, ten.
- Ten? - I was very busy as a child.
Right.
We're gonna need to do a full work-up.
Oh, we'll do a full work-up, all right.
So Maggie's gonna do your blood panel and your vitals.
- I will be right back.
- No, no Great.
Love that.
I'm gonna straight up murder you! You have taken a Hippocratic oath not to harm me! Ow! - Are you crazy? - Your happiness is on the line, and now, we know that he's not married.
- You're welcome.
- I already knew that.
- What? - I also know that Chunky Wedge is just some floozy from Jersey City - who can't keep her lips off him.
- So he's single? Single, and also, right before we came in here, - we had a very intense moment.
- Wow.
I knew it.
He likes you.
He likes you! Good God.
- Yes.
98.
6.
- Hey.
- Just where we want it.
- Yeah.
If you'd just like to lie back, - we're gonna do a breast exam.
- What's that now? Well, I mean, you haven't had a full physical in 25 years.
It's standard protocol, and Ms.
Crawford, you should be doing a self-exam every month.
Every month? That's a lot of action for these old jams.
Okay.
If you can just put your feet up here.
I'm so sorry.
- Okay.
- Yes.
Doctor, you think maybe this is one of those opportunities for me to get that hands-on experience that we've been hearing so much about? Good idea.
Are you okay with that, Ms.
Crawford? Oh, yes.
I prefer the touch of a woman.
All right.
Wow, now that is a tender touch.
Just from what I can only imagine would be a very gentle and skilled lover.
Come on, man.
Meet her needs as well as yours.
All right, what's going on? You guys know each other, don't you? Um, I think I may have passed you in the hallway? Yes, this is my best friend, Emma, okay? She came here under false pretenses.
I did not sign off on this, but apparently, - she also needs a physical.
- I do.
I'm sorry.
I'd been hearing so much about you at home, so I just wanted to get my eyes in the situation.
I'm sorry, you've been talking about me? She has.
She can't shut up about you.
Actually Okay, I'm so sorry.
This is very unprofessional.
Yeah.
It really is.
- What's she been saying? - Oh, all kinds of things.
She said you had a very intense moment.
Hey, guys, you wanna dive back into this exam? Maybe we should do that.
- Hm.
- Um, Dr.
Ericson, - can you, um, check this? - Sure.
- What is it? What's going on? - It's probably nothing.
You just haven't had an exam, so we don't have a baseline.
Oh, is it a lump? 'Cause I have very lumpy boobs.
Not to brag, but in eighth grade, Josh Rosenfarb called me Lumplestiltskin.
- Can you feel that? - Yeah.
Why are you making that face? Is it bad? No, it's probably nothing.
I mean, at your age, I mean, really probably nothing, but, um, yeah.
We are going to have to run some tests.
Just to make sure.
I don't know if you're nervous, but don't be.
I did a lot of Googling last night Don't do that.
What were you Googling? Ways you can die before you're 40.
- Emma - Turns out, I have a bigger chance of, like, dying in a shark attack than I do of having cancer.
Well, there was that nurse shark that went crazy on that woman up by Mystic, but she fought back.
- She punched him in the nose.
- See.
Proves my point.
Nothing to worry about.
I'm not worried, I just You know, he brought us in.
He didn't call.
Yeah, but that's just the kind of class act this guy is.
That's British.
Okay? That's why I'm so excited you guys are gonna be humping - each other soon.
- Okay.
Good afternoon, Doctor.
Now, I've got the results from the lab.
It is cancer.
The good news is we've caught it very early thanks to Emma being a good friend.
Okay? Now, I've already made an appointment with the best surgical oncologist on the East Coast.
She's a good friend of mine, and, um, she's agreed to see us tomorrow.
Okay? Emma, I know this is very difficult news to hear, but I'd like you to take this step by step.
The good news is that we've caught it early.
You're very young, and all of that is very encouraging.
I'll tell you what this is.
This is some bullshit! Hey, in "Terms of Endearment," what does she die of? Is it breast cancer? Google it.
- That was, like, 1982.
- Just Google it! Please! Debra Winger dies in everything.
"Beaches.
" She has breast cancer, doesn't she? That's what she has.
I'm pretty sure.
Google that.
We need to know, Maggie! - I won't.
I won't Google it.
- Please Google it, Maggie! Can you just Google it, please? Oh, I know, I know.
I know.
You know, if this was just me, it's, like, whatever.
But then I think about Charlotte, and I have to be there for her because, you know, who's gonna be there to hide her pot? I don't want you to hide her pot.
- I have to, though.
- No, no, no.
If she wants to do pot, you come to me, okay? Maggie, do you think I'm gonna be okay? I do.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, I don't really know, but, like we got the best people on the case, right? - Like, the best doctors ever.
- Yeah.
And I have never met a stronger woman than you in my entire life.
Okay? So cancer has picked the wrong duo to mess with.
I'll tell you that much.
And I'm not gonna leave your side for one second.
I'm gonna be fighting with you every step of the way.
'Cause I got a real attitude when it comes to things - that mess with my friends.
- Hey, Mags! Guess who wrote his bike all the way to Danbury? Bruce! Yeah, he popped a full wheelie.
Uh, it was actually.
It scared him pretty good, but, uh What's going on?