Please Like Me (2013) s03e04 Episode Script

- Did you swallow it? - Yeah, I swallowed it.
- Josh! It's in you? - It's in my tummy.
I'm sick of you just swallowing things all the time.
Now it's in you, like, pressuring us like a time bomb.
No, don't put this on me.
Do what you like.
- I like maths.
- It's not maths.
We're all making our own individual choices about recreational drugs.
Of course we have to do it now.
What else would we do? Yeah, just sit around watching you be high? - You'll embarrass yourself.
- I will not embarrass myself.
You will.
You will.
You'll be there writhing around in ecstasy, making out with the sofa cushions.
Now you've both done it! I'm worried you think making out with sofa cushions is a big part of what's about to happen.
- Just do it, Arnold.
Go.
- If you want.
Will you guys think I'm not cool if I don't do it? I don't think there's any chance of anyone in this room being cooler than anyone else in this room.
Whatever.
You know you're the coolest one in the group.
- No, I'm not.
- I didn't actually think that.
I just wanted to see if you'd agree if I said it out loud.
Okay.
I can do this.
We're young, we're hot.
You think we're hot? You've got your whole life ahead of you to get back on track.
I don't know what my regrets will be when I'm 93.
Could be taking this pill, it could be not taking this pill.
Josh.
It will be Josh.
I'm not losing control, I'm taking control.
Taking control of being a real fun party guy.
- Yeah.
- It's stuck.
- Oh, gosh, get him something.
- How can it be stuck? - I was just taking pills! - Drink the water.
(Coughs) That's not water! - Oh.
- Not water.
Oh, yeah, that's old Riesling.
Sorry.
- (Coughs) - Is it down? It's down.
How long till it kicks in? - 30 minutes at least.
- 30 minutes? Or Or Or Because you have the build of a sparrow, maybe faster.
Yeah.
You right, buddy? No, Tom, you can't touch him while he's freaking out.
Can't touch him when he's relaxed.
Can't touch him when he's freaking out.
- When can I touch him? - I'm fine.
What do we do now? I think we just wait.
So, the main risk with MDMA, apart from being sold something dodgy, is that it can dehydrate you.
I thought the main risk was it would just make me too good at dancing.
- OK, fine, we'll drink some water.
- It's not that easy! Why? People sometimes drown because they know they have to drink water and then they drink too much.
- They drown? - Yeah, they drown! OK, well, then we'll take a little bottle and we can track our intake.
What if it gives me an erection? (Scoffs) It won't! Not really our problem, is it? You got your little quote? A ship in the harbour is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
(Coughs) Oh, God, Arnold Um, hey, they're nice shoes.
- Thanks.
- Where'd you get them? Um, a store.
What store? - My mum bought them.
- What colour are they? They're brown.
I'm trying to make him conscious of his reality, so he snaps out of his panic.
- They're brown.
- I googled it.
- I don't think it'll work.
- It won't.
I know when people are trying and it just makes me panic more.
OK.
Arnold, on a scale of one to ten, how elastic is Josh's face? Nine.
One being quite firm, ten being like a deflated balloon.
Nine.
Very elastic.
Very elastic face.
What do you think about Tom's chest hair? It's fine.
- You don't think it's patchy? - Sure, but it's fine.
- But my face isn't fine? - It's fine.
I like your face.
- I think you're hot.
- Just very elastic? - Like an expensive cheese.
- Or like a cheap cheese.
Or like Benjamin Button in his weird phase.
OK, so some people die when they take drugs like this because they're allergic, but some people die when they eat peanuts, so that's not my major concern.
I'm going to get us bottles of water.
Is he OK? I think he'll be fine.
How are you? - I am so terrified.
- I'm just so terrified! Ooooh, ooooh Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah Ooooh Oh, yeah Ooooh Oh, the Good Lord knows it Ooooh I've left better behind to be Fine Yeah, yeah Fine Make my mama turn another blind Ah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I've left better behind to be fine.
My God, yes.
This is I'm just so happy.
Warm.
Oh, Lord.
OK, we have to So, I just quickly want to say, Josh, I really appreciate your friendship.
Yeah, that was very good.
OK, um, can we do this all the time? Arnold, so happy to have you in our lives, and that you make my friend happy.
Oh, my God, yes.
Tom, I'm just so happy.
Yeah, and Josh, I I'm going to call your dad.
Don't call my dad.
No, I feel like we've bonded, and I'm worried about him and Yeah, we should check on him.
In a way, he's calling me.
No Arnold, Tom's not being nice to my dad.
He's teasing my dad.
No, I'm I'm I am not sure.
No, don't call my dad.
My God, guys, run your hands through your hair.
It feels like a million tiny masseuses just going at it on your head.
(Phone ringing) (Mobile rings) - (Moans) - Who is that? Ignore it.
No, I don't think we should.
It could be an emergency.
- Please can we ignore it? - No.
No.
Hello? Mae, it's Tom.
Oh.
It's Tom.
- Tom? - Yeah.
- Oh, shit.
Something must be up.
- See? Hi Tom, this is Alan.
It's Tom.
Yeah, hi.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing.
Everything is great.
Oh, OK.
Well, hi.
Why did you call? - Why did I call? - Yeah.
Um, just just just checking on you.
Oh, that's nice of you.
It is nice of me, isn't it? Very nice.
Yeah.
Um, look I'm just with Mae at the moment.
We're really sorting things out, so I'd better get back to it, OK? - OK.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
Oh.
(Mickey and Sylvia's Love Is Strange) - (Mouths lyrics) - Sylvia - (Mouths lyrics) - Yes, Mickey How do you call your lover boy? Come here, lover boy And if he doesn't answer? Oh, lover boy And if he still doesn't answer? I simply say Baby Oh, baby My sweet baby You're the one Baby Oh, my God, guys.
Let's go out.
(Chuckles) You two are perfect.
We need to show you off to the world, like the royal baby.
I know being kicked out of home would have been really hard, but we're so happy to have you.
Good things always come out of bad things.
Always, always.
And, like, I just I really feel like together, we've created a lovely little household.
I wish we could just fly there.
Imagine if we all flew there in a pack and then everyone knew about it, but we would just be really humble.
(Techno music plays) - This is brilliant.
- Just so good.
Hey, guys? Watch this.
- Oh, yes.
- So talented.
Oh, OK.
Making out.
That's good.
You should do that.
That's great.
(Dance/Pop music plays) - Hi, I'm Ella! - Tom.
Josh.
Arnold.
We're taking MDMA for the first time.
Fun! I'm here with work friends.
They keep talking about CrossFit.
- Yuck.
- Bleurgh.
- I don't do any exercise, ever.
- Good! Have you ever done MDMA? Yes.
Yes, I have.
What do you think should be our next adventure? - Let's go for a run? - Sure! We have to run! (Backstreet boys' Everybody - Backstreet's Back) I have to go.
I'm very busy.
- (Shrieks) - Ella! Ella, come back! Shit! Shit! Tom.
Babe.
Hi.
- Can you do me a favour? - Yeah.
Don't look at your arm, OK? - Oh, no, Josh! - That's Tom.
- Oh, no, Tom! Did you hit your head? - Yeah.
OK, we should call an ambulance, because a guy that I knew hit his head once and he thought it was nothing, and then his brain swelled and he died.
- Oh, no.
- He wasn't very likeable.
Also, we should call an ambulance 'cause Tom's arm is not going the right way.
- On it.
- How did you fall? I don't know.
The ground was there and then it wasn't there anymore.
Did it look cool? It looked like a giraffe being tranquilised.
What should I do? Kiss me.
You should kiss me.
Hi! My friend, his arm's facing not the right way and he hit his head.
He's Josh's best friend but he's my friend as well.
So, how is everybody doing? Tom keeps holding my hand.
Why are you holding Arnold's hand, Tom? It's nice.
Are you OK with that, Arnold? Yeah.
Thank you so much for driving us, Evan.
Yeah, thanks for driving us, Evan.
- We don't get sirens? - No.
- Oh! - Does that talk to the hospital? Attention, hospital, very important.
Evan is hot.
(Laughs) Sorry about that.
That was a passenger mucking about.
Over.
- Oh, my God, what are you doing? - I'm so sorry.
Was that really bad? - Very bad.
- Oh, no, why'd I do that? I'm so sorry, Evan.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine.
Evan, I bet everyone's just always bringing up your looks.
- (Chuckles) - Why did you laugh? Was he right? - So right.
- He's beautiful.
Do you have some cheap nickname for him, like in Grey's Anatomy? No.
That'd it be good though, wouldn't it, Evan? - Not good.
- (Laughs) Yeah, like The Face.
Yeah.
Evan, from now on we're going to call you The Face.
- (BOTH LAUGH) - Oh, that's not OK, though, 'cause clearly Evan is a very talented medical professional.
I'm sure he's sick to bloody death of everyone always talking about his perfect face.
Are you? Forget it.
Evan? Have I upset The Face? - Aww.
He's so handsome when he's sad.
- Josh, no, that's objectifying him.
That's not OK.
Yeah, sorry for objectifying you, Face.
- I hereby name you 'Big Heart'.
- (Laughs) (Giggles) Hey, Arnold, Josh said you were heaps smart.
- Say something smart.
- Did you say I was smart? Book smart.
Not, like, street smart, OK? He can't use an iron.
Can you time travel? Can I time travel? Or me.
Like, do you know how? Um OK, well, the first thing you need to understand - when you're talking about time travel - Here we go.
- (Giggles) - everything is moving at different speeds, like, a constant speed in time and space relative to something else, OK? - This got boring quickly, didn't it? - No, listen.
Everything in the universe is moving at all sorts of different speeds, and the faster and faster you go, the more time slows down.
- How fast am I moving? - Well, it's relative.
Relative like your mum, who's someone I had a sex with? - Boom.
- No, to the earth's rotation.
If you increase your velocity, like, if you get in a plane, - or if I chase you, your subjective - Chase me now.
- Time frame is slowing down - Arnold, chase me now.
No! It's so small, we need atomic clocks to measure it.
You just won't stop until you finish, will you? I'll get to the point where it's interesting.
You can't stop.
I think I'm in love with you.
If you put an atomic clock at the top of a mountain - and then one at the bottom - Nah.
I just would never.
I'd never put an atomic clock anywhere, so The one higher up would tick several femtoseconds slower than the one at the very bottom, 'cause it's moving faster.
- That is interesting, but - Thank you.
Will I ever be able to pat a brontosaurus or Frank Sinatra? No, probably not.
I'm sorry.
So, we've established that Arnold is the smartest - Did we establish he was the smartest? - Yeah.
- Femtoseconds? It's nonsense.
- (Chuckles) - Who is the kindest? - Well, it's Arnold, isn't it? Who'd be most likely to fetch water if you're hung-over? Yes, yes, Arnold, Arnold.
Which one of you would be in charge after a plane crash? Oh, that's Josh.
Me, I would just love to take charge after a plane crash.
I mean, that is the dream.
- Are you two monogamous? - Yes.
- Um Uh, we haven't discussed it yet.
Oooh! Tension.
Oh, no, no tension, we just have not discussed it yet.
- Can we discuss it now? - No.
- No.
- Nope.
- No.
What is Gondwanaland? 'Cause I remember learning about Gondwanaland and Laurasia, but I don't know why.
I thought Gondwanaland was what the Aboriginal people called Australia.
- No! - No.
It's not that.
They had hundreds of different languages.
Definitely not.
- No way.
- Something to do with volcanoes? I don't know.
I think maybe I should not have kissed Tom.
Oh, come on.
Tom's alright.
I've got a boyfriend.
- A good boyfriend? - I think so.
Well, why isn't he out tonight? He never comes out.
He doesn't like me when I'm out.
What? He doesn't like you when you are out? Like out of the house? No, just, like Yeah.
Well, what's he doing? Probably watching West Wing episodes, even though he promised to watch it together.
He sounds awful.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
We don't know Ella that well.
Maybe she's awful.
Maybe he's right.
Every time I eat sweet things, he asks me if I need them.
Like, of course I don't need them.
They're fun.
- Why can't he see that they're fun? - Is he a dentist? One time we went on a rollercoaster and there was a really long queue, and when the guy asked if there were any singles in the crowd, - he put his hand up, because - No! He couldn't be bothered waiting in line anymore.
So, I had to go on the next round and sit next to this really nervous mum, who was actually totallydelightful, but he didn't know that.
No, Ella, that man, he's the devil.
- He never goes down on me.
- Never? I mean, fair enough, I wouldn't go down on you.
But the rollercoaster? He's the devil.
Like, once, out of guilt, the day after he cheated on me.
What the hell? You need to go and break up with that man right now.
Get rid of him.
I'm nervous.
Yeah.
Good luck.
I think I met a girl tonight.
We kissed and it was incredible.
But I had just tripped and done this, so there was a lot going on.
It's difficult to distinguish all that from how good the kiss was, you know? (Giggles) Will you kiss anyone tonight? Probably my husband.
Nice one.
My face is turning into my dad.
Don't you say that about my boyfriend.
- I'm going to get a facelift.
- No! - I am more likeable like this.
- I like your face.
Nah, I'm going to get a new one.
I'm going to get Cameron Diaz's face.
You can't afford it.
I'm gonna go to Mexico and ask for Cameron Diaz's face.
I don't know how many more times I'm meant to say not to do it.
Well, you wouldn't understand, would you? Your face is so tight.
Nothing moves.
It's too tight, if anything.
Nothing moves.
Pull on my face.
Ridiculous.
Aww.
I'm worried I'm going to stretch it more.
So, he didn't react.
He said: "Fine, what do you want me to say?" And so, I started crying, because I thought I should, and he said: "This performance is only for you.
" So, I guess he does know me well.
And then I hung up.
And then I got worried that no-one will ever love me, so I bought all the flowers.
They're very nice.
(Mobile rings) Hello? She dumped me! Oh, sh Alan.
God, shit, I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Yeah, she said after we got back together that she wasn't happy.
And she said she thought she would be happy, but she wasn't.
She cheated on you? Just If someone was gonna break up with me, I wouldn't want them to also tell me that they'd cheated on me.
(Strains) I mean, what's the point? Shit.
Yeah.
She's upstairs with Grace.
Did you know the reason your heart physically hurts when it breaks? It's because your body doesn't understand what's going on.
Like, your body doesn't know you just broke up with someone.
It just assumes you must be in trouble, like, poisoned or something, so it's, like: "Oh, my God, this guy just ate an apple from a witch.
Quick, heart, beat faster, we need action now.
" - Your boyfriend's the witch.
- Warlock.
But you broke up with HIM, yeah? You're the winner.
You win the break-up.
Yeah.
(Mobile rings) Oh, that's weird.
Hey, Mae, what's happening? Hey, Josh, are you with Tom? No, why? Josh, I broke up with your father.
Oh, are Are you OK? He called Tom.
Do you know why? No.
No, I do not.
I tried to keep it together for Grace, but I think she is better off with two happy parents apart than two sad ones together.
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree.
Kids can always tell, Mae.
I was just super-relieved when Mum and Dad got divorced.
That's nice of you to say.
I was worried that calling you would be awful.
Why, what's wrong with me? You can only emotionally engage with a story if the characters are animal characters, Josh.
Like a child.
(Giggles) Why am I getting criticised.
Are you breaking up with me? Don't break with me, Mae.
I'll eat heaps and then I'll get fat again.
(Chuckles) - I just heard Mae laugh.
- What? Why would she be laughing? Maybe Grace farted.
And now it's all there in front of me, just three years of trash that I didn't realise was trash, even though everybody told me it was trash.
Oh, God, this is humiliating.
I forgot about this part.
Now I have to tell all my friends that I was wrong and they were right.
We had a good relationship, but this is not my life.
This is his life.
Yeah, I understand.
Why don't I know what's good for me? I should be the foremost expert on what's good for me, but I'm not.
I just feel like a fool.
You know, I I don't know how I ever let myself believe I could make her happy.
You did make her happy, and she changed into someone that you couldn't make happy.
I'm not sure.
OK, bye.
We're at the hospital.
You're at the hospital? - Yeah, I tripped.
- How'd you trip? Fell.
Oh, yeah, why did you fall? I just I didn't mean to.
You weren't high, were you? Um nah.
Are you lying to me, Tom? I just Don't know.
You were on drugs.
What drugs? You'll only make it worse by lying.
- MDMA.
- Fucking hell.
Fucking stupid kids.
Right, I'm coming to get you.
You are not too old for me to come and get you.
(Mobile rings) So, I was just having a chat with your dad, and the subject of those drugs we took came up, and now he knows about those drugs we took.
Why are you always telling my dad things? It's weird.
Are you trying to steal my dad? I feel like I'm in some sort of weird dad-son triangle.
He was just being so open with me.
I can't lie to him.
His heart is too gentle.
You betrayed me like Judas.
You aren't Jesus.
You know this, right? Tom thinks I'm not Jesus.
Jesus Christ! A wheelchair! ELLA: I made him.
Rough night, eh? Yes, I have had a rough fucking night, not helped by you, thanks.
Let's just go.
Dad This is so embarrassing, Josh! You really did not have to come.
You really cannot look after yourself, can you, huh? Drugs.
Hi, I'm Ella.
Thought you were over the teen party phase.
Dad, I promise you I never partied as a teen, OK? - Really, you can just go home.
- I'm already here.
I mean, thank fuck you're alive.
Where'd you get the drugs from, hm? And why do you trust them? Were they trustworthy? Tom got them.
You've really disappointed me, Tom.
Sorry.
I mean, what does MDMA even bloody stand for? Methylenedioxymethamphetamine.
You know, I've been worried sick.
I mean, of course I'm gonna think the bloody worst.
Christ! First I make my wife go mental and then I send my partner into the arms of a crazed fetishist.
So, you know, it's not much of a surprise to find out I'm a shit father too.
Couldn't even raise my own son well enough not to become a fucking junkie! And, you know, Tom? I thought we had a relationship.
I didn't realise when we were hanging out that you were so off your face you'd split your bloody wrist open.
I'm sorry.
Oh, fuck! Fuck! Fuck! OK, Dad, OK.
Alright? I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm right thanks, Ella.
And you're you're a very pretty girl.
Is this the girl that you mentioned, Tom? Right.
Are you guys ready?