Porridge (1973) s03e04 Episode Script

JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher 'You have pleaded guilty to the charges brought and it is now my duty to pass sentence 'You are a habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same, casual manner.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
'You will go to prison for five years.
' Fletcher won't like this, Mr Barrowclough.
He didn't like YOU movin' in.
We're running a prison, not a hotel.
Prisons are very overcrowded this time of year.
Not surprising.
It's bitter out.
# Some enchanted evening, You may see a stranger Shut up.
Naff off! # You will see a stranger across a crowded room.
# Hello, a stranger in a crowded room! I'm just off.
No, you're not! What is that? What? That bed! It's a bed.
What's it doing in my overcrowded room? And what is 'orrible Harris doing here? I just brung it here.
Well, brung it out again! Fletcher, a rise in the crime rate has caused an extra burden on our overcrowded penal system.
Oh, yes? Prisons have had to stretch their limited resources to try and accommodate this influx.
Oh, yes.
I see, of course.
As long as you understand.
Yes.
We have to make the best of things.
Now, shift this bed out of here! Fletcher, a new arrival is moving in here.
You might as well accept it as a fait accompli.
I'll be on my way as well.
Hope the three of you will be very happy.
Naff off! Naff off yourself - with nobs on.
Seems the whole rhythm of our lives is in jeopardy, Fletch.
Flaming outrage.
What's the word on this, then? Well, Davey Greener in reception said three new arrivals come in today.
One is a bit of a mystery - name's Rawley.
Why? They just whipped him off.
Really? Straight to the Guv'nor.
Perhaps he's a celebrity.
A rock star on a drug bust No, he was short, bald and flat-footed.
Could be Elton John.
He walked like a pregnant duck.
Now you stop that! Stop what? That! Drawing attention to other people's peculiarities.
I said to Jackie, you poke fun at people cos they have short legs, or bow legs.
Step in front of the Guv'nor.
Stand still, straighten up.
Rawley, sir.
That will be all.
Leave you alone? It's all right, thank you.
Right, sir.
Steven Hello, Geoffrey.
Thought we ought to have a chat, butwhat can I say? Perhaps the less said, the better.
Tragic! How's Marjorie taking all this? Oh, quite well.
How are you, Geoffrey? I'm all right.
AndMuriel? She has her committees and I have my prison.
Haven't seen you both for ages.
You MUST come for dinner.
Oh! You can't! Silly me.
Not unless my appeal comes through.
This is very embarrassing for me, you know.
The entire fabric of my life has collapsed.
We were at Winchester together, the Guardswe're in the same Club.
Not any longer.
They've asked for my resignation.
But this is bound to create a problem.
Is there any reason why anyone should know? Perhaps not.
No-one here from the old school.
There's everything else, though.
Officers, Clubmen, Rotarians An embezzler gave me a Masonic handshake.
There, you see! I don't want to plead for special treatment.
But couldn't you separate me in a single cell with a few books? Can't have secrets in here.
Cause speculationresentment.
Better in a cell with other men.
But I'd be with common criminals! With due respect, you ARE a common criminal.
Come in.
You sent for me, sir? Yes, Mr Mackay.
A delicate situation to discuss with you.
Close the door.
Yes, sir.
This a an old friend of mine, who will be with us for a while.
Sir! Will you be staying long, sir? If my appeal failsfor three years.
Ha-ha.
Very good, sir.
Hey, here he is - the mystery man.
Right, men.
This is Rawley, who will be sharing with Fletcher and Godber.
Treat him the same as any other prisoner.
Understood? Carry on.
Good afternoon.
Afternoon.
I'm Godber.
You're in with us.
Oh.
God preserve us! This is Fletcher.
He's in with us an' all.
Really? You don't remember me, do you? The face is vaguely familiar Middlesex Assizes, three years ago? What, you two do a job together? Do a job together?! He's the judge that bleeding sent me here.
Yeah.
The Honourable Mr Justice Steven Rawley.
Well, well, well.
How are the mighty fallen! I'm sorry, I don't recall YOU.
Why should you? I'm just one of those you weigh in the balance of what you call justice.
It's Fletcher, isn't it? Oh, you remember me now? I remember your rhetoric your protestations of innocence.
Which you were deaf to.
But you did it, Fletch.
That's beside the point, Godber.
It was relevant at the time.
The point is he was unfit to sentence me! He's still a judge.
Or he were! Obviously a bent one.
But it's not right.
Fletcher's been sent down by a fellow con.
Thank you, Jock.
He's just like me.
How do you think I feel being sent down by a crook like me? A judge inside! What did they bust you for, then? Bust? Charges! I was indicted on three charges.
Party to a criminal conspiracy, forgery under the Forgery Act of 1913-48, and illicit payment Bribery and corruption.
Don't camouflage it with legal mumbo-jumbo.
I have no wish to camouflage anything.
I want light shed on this sorry affair.
Let there be no half-truths or evasions.
You're saying you're guilty, then? I can't say, pending my appeal.
You're bound to get off! Top lawyers If they were that good, I'd be out on bail.
It's a token stretch! Common people don't get a chance of bail.
Look, same law sent you down, sent him down.
It's reassuring.
A vindication of the legal system.
Nobody's above the law! How many of his kind get away with it? The bloke who sent HIM down is probably worse than he is.
Hear! Hear! What, do you know him? I have a conscience.
Imagine what it's been like to live a lie.
We're doing it all the time.
And how are you lads improving the shining hour? Getting acquainted with our learned friend.
We've met professionally.
Treat Rawley like any other prisoner.
We will, if you will.
What's that, McLaren? No favours! Rawley will get no favours from me.
Whatever you may have been, you're just a number now.
A statistic, set of fingerprints.
You're all the same.
Is that understood? Yes.
Yes, what? Yes, Mr Barrowclough.
Yes, Mr Barrowclough.
That's better.
Now we must see about getting you a job.
Would you step this way, please, Your Honour? What are you doing, Godber? He couldn't do it himself.
I suggest you let him bleeding learn, then.
Or else put a frilly apron on.
He's lonely and afraid, like I was my first night here.
Listen, he is the enemy within! Within my cell, what is more.
Look, he's now a con, like us.
He is the Establishment, and I don't fancy THAT breathing down my neck night AND day.
It's very odd, Godber.
What is? You don't expect the judge to move in with you, do you? Ah, you've made my bed, Godber.
Most kind.
Ovaltine or Horlicks? And what colour would you like your brown shoes polished? Leave it off, Fletch! Where have you been - with the Chief Warder? Look, I have no influence here.
I wouldn't be sharing with people Go on.
Say it, say it.
People like us! Well, we don't make no alibis.
We deserve to be in here.
There's a sort of honesty about OUR dishonesty.
We've got nothing.
But YOU - you've got it and still want more! The rich have a right to be criminals as well.
They better not.
The unions will be on to that, mate.
Don't be stupid! It's you who's being stupid.
I'm NOT.
One of us is.
Not me! You're so inconsistent.
I'm not! Don't start that again.
Inside's a different world from out there.
We're equal.
Our one purpose in life is screwing the system.
Godber is right.
We WERE on opposite sides of the fence.
Normally I would cross the street to avoid you, but the fence is down.
The gulf between us is immeasurably wide.
The lads in here, we all ran the same streets.
A bit different from YOUR streets, aren't they? Yours are full of rich kids riding bicycles.
Privet hedges, and big, tall elm trees.
No problems there.
There are! I spent £1,500 last year on Dutch Elm disease.
I bet you went to a private doctor with it, didn't you? I understand you being cynical, but we have one thing in common - we're in trouble.
He's right, Fletch.
Just clearing the air, that's all.
I'll try and be unobtrusive.
Well, get yourself a bleeding hammock to start with, then.
Move your barrow.
He's a miserable old scroat.
Rules of the house: top bunk's his, he reads the paper first, and his toothpaste is the marked tube.
I have my own toilet requisites.
Just as well.
Never borrow anything without express permission.
Godber, I am NOT mean.
I just never give anybody anything.
What one has, one keeps.
You ARE mean, Fletch.
I am not! Thrifty, perhapsfrugal.
He opens Bounty bars underwater so I don't know he's got one.
Well, I'll be only too willing to share my few things.
Bribery and corruption.
He's at it again! Just get yourself into bye-byes, will you, Judge Jeffreys? Well, any rules you make, I'll go along with.
We're very democratic.
Fletcher decides and we agree.
Snout? Mmmm? No, no.
I don't, thank you.
Currency in here, snout.
Really? You all right? Since that door slammed shut, I've realised what prison is all about.
I know what you mean.
My first stretch.
Survival's in your own head.
His Highness taught me that.
First 12 months is the worst.
Sorry.
Don't be sorry.
But you had much more to lose than us lot.
Position, respect You threw it all away in a moment of weakness.
This is life, not Peyton Place.
My weakness was a younger woman.
Avaricious, grasping, 19-year-old go-go dancer.
Younger woman - typical! One sees it happen with colleagues.
What is it? Some middle-aged madness that affects us? She was sweet at first, but then she kept on demanding more and more.
Trips abroad, a flat in Kensington.
I was wrong.
This IS Peyton Place.
How did you meet her? Oh! Half past ten.
How did you meet her? A Regimental reunion.
Oh, she was in your Regiment, was she? She was part of the cabaret.
Assisting the Great Alfredo.
While he made cockatoos disappear, my eyes never left Sandra's long, shapely legs.
Long and shapely? One glimpse of a young thigh through a fishnet stocking, and look at you now.
Human weakness takes many forms.
Desire, lust, greed We're here for different reasons.
With respect, Godber, we're all here for the same reason - we got caught.
B.
1 - unlock! B.
2 79 - all correct.
B.
2 - unlock! B.
3 68 - all correct.
B.
3 - unlock! Ohhh! That's better.
Fresh air.
You can tell we got the upper echelons in here.
"Mustang Talc for Men".
Shaving cream by Jean Marie of Paris.
A genuine badger's hair shaving brush.
No wonder there's no badgers about.
Nocturnal animal, the badger.
What? Only comes out at night.
Learned its lesson.
People keep making it into shaving brushes.
You're welcome to use my things.
No, thanks.
And you better not.
Why? Have you any idea what "Mustang" will do to the fairies in here, eh? They'll come galloping up from the bottom of the garden.
Riding side-saddle.
Come along, you lot.
Morning, Rawley.
Sleep all right? That's nice! You never ask me how I sleep.
I KNOW how you sleep, Fletcher Soundly - because you have no conscience, no shame, no guilt.
True! That explains MY sleepless night.
Well, it's Saturday, so you stop work at noon.
I'll take you to the football match.
No.
I'd rather work on, help kill time.
Here! You knock off when we knock off.
Typical prison mentality.
Working-class mentality! You see yourself as working class? I used to - till I went up to Glasgow.
Now I see myself as middle class.
All I meant was I enjoyed the work you assigned me.
Course you enjoy it.
Central Records.
It's a privilege.
It's one of the cushiest jobs in the nick.
It is NOT a privilege.
Which would you rather do - Central Records or latrine duty? Can't sit there and read the paper.
Well, you can.
But it gets a bit repetitive, don't it? Now wash your hands Now wash your hands HEhe has been here one day, and HE is getting a job most trustees don't get.
HE, Fletcher, is educated.
It's logical he should get a clerical job.
Since when has logic had anything to do with job allocation round here, eh? Riggs made our raspberry ripple last week, and he's in here for poisoning.
Is he, really? Yes.
He's a celebrity in Newcastle-Under-Lyme.
Most of his relatives are under lime now.
That why they call him Arsenic Riggs? No! It's cos he sat on a razor blade.
He didn't, did he? Oh, God preserve us.
Well, I'm sorry you have to share a cell with the riff-raff.
They've been most considerate.
I hope so.
Because I know the situation between you two.
There will be no malice, no vindictiveness, no grudges Clear? Why should I bear this man a grudge? What's he ever done to me - except rob me of five years of my life? ^ Goodafternoon.
Seems rather quiet.
It is.
Everybody's at the game.
Or visiting their loved ones.
That's why we chose this moment.
Moment? Moment for what? Lots of blokes in here got long memories, and even longer stretches.
Doing you a good turn.
Get it over with, all at once.
You won't have to wonder WHEN it's going to happen, cos it's going to be NOW.
Dinna fret yoursel' looking for screws.
There isnae one in sight.
We're not naffing amateurs.
What's going on here, then? Gun fight at OK Corral, is it? He's got it coming.
Get across the Yard, out of harm's way.
You about to inflict damage on my cell-mate? Your what? My cell-mate.
He's no friend of yours.
He's one of us now.
We look after our own.
What are you saying? You gotta take me on an' all.
Don't be misled by this bulky torso.
It conceals a man of steel.
On your way, Judge.
On my way where? Outside.
Go and watch the football.
You need the fresh air.
Don't worry.
The word will be put about, won't it? No-one will touch a hair of your head.
Is that it? If Fletch says so.
But why side with the Establishment? Don't give me that black look.
I know what I'm doing.
I'm using my head.
What's this? What's what? No.
Who's Who.
You were nearly there.
I was looking up Mr Rawley.
He and the Guv'nor went to the same school.
Same Club.
Same Regiment.
That makes it worse! Does it? Do we quench our thirst for blood? Or agree that what we need here is a good friend of the Guv'nor? Think about it.
Ohhhhhhh! Oh, thank you.
Comfy, Your Honour? Like another pillow? That would be nice.
There you are.
Thank you.
Extra blanket? No, thanks.
We'll take turns watching out for the cockroaches.
That's most kind.
I appreciate, Fletcher, what YOU did for me.
I reckon a man in here has a right to prove himself.
I said that.
It's hardly original.
You, more than anyoneFletch has every right to despise me.
Forget it, Judge.
Let's just reminisce on happier times.
I know! We could talk about yourself and the Guv'nor.
Myself and the Governor? Yeah.
Didn't I hear something about you knowing each other? Yes.
We've known each other for some years.
What a coincidence.
I hope this doesn't explain your change of attitude, Fletch.
What? I trust you're not hoping to profit from my past relationship with Geoffwith the Governor, because anything I know about him is in strictest confidence.
Oh, is it? Well, I'll have my pillow back.
Fletcher What? I really appreciate what you did for me.
Not enough, obviously! Shake? What? Shake! Shake what? Shake hands.
No ill feeling? No.
You're only the bloke that sent me in here.
I had no choice.
No choice?! You had plenty choice.
You could have rejected the jury's verdict ordered a re-trialbound me over.
Not with the evidence.
And your record.
I suppose not.
You said you were guilty.
All right.
But I realise now what a mistake I made in the first place.
If I knew then what I know now! Well, that's reassuring.
What? Remorse.
Remorse?! If I'd known you was crooked, I could have slipped you a few bob.
You silly old barrister.