Portlandia (2011) s03e04 Episode Script

Lance? Lance, wake up.
You know what today is? Su-- Tuesday.
It's three weeks before my birthday.
That's really great.
I'm gonna go back to sleep.
Okay, wait.
Okay, Birthday magazine says one thing to do is to have activities.
Look at these people.
They went all the way out to a beach.
They're all French.
Ooh, la la! Ooh, la la! I don't care about birthdays.
They just make you feel older.
Oh, I love this.
Gavin Rossdale.
Look what he got for Gwen Stefani.
A reggae band.
And they came in on a balloon.
That just seems really elaborate.
Would it be fine if we just did something like, just me and you, and, like, I don't know, just, like, one other friend.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
And then, like, maybe that day we won't even get out of bed and we'll just laze around the house and we'll just, like, fall asleep and, like, why even bother living and having a relationship at all? I mean, just, like, some dumb girl who you just, like, hang out with, and it's not convenient to have a birthday party for her.
You know, I mean, I get that.
Okay, I don't get all of this, - but I'll do it.
- You gonna be grouchy? I'm gonna have, like, the biggest frown you've ever seen.
Like stand up and walk out in a huff and slam the door? Uh-huh.
I'm gonna yell at you so loud.
- Okay, can I go back to sleep? - Yes.
I love you, Lance.
I'm just gonna try to set up an evite invitation.
"You are invited.
Please join us as we celebrate-- Celecrate? Celebrate Nina's Activities-- 5:30 AM pre-dawn horseback ride.
6:15 AM sunrise yoga.
10:30 AM arts and crafts.
Make anything, maybe a Nina doll.
12:00 PM dessert first.
Make-you-own-sundae bar followed by lunch.
$20.
00.
1:00 PM party bus departs from Beachside Activity Center to Party Central.
2:00 PM arrive at Party Central.
"4:00 to 5:15 PM disco nap.
Optional.
Wait until you see our disco nap room!" - Maybe we could bring Alexandra.
- Oh, good idea.
- Bring me where? - Hey.
Oh, we're just reading our friend's evite.
"6:00 PM herb garden cocktail party.
7:15 PM poker" $200 buy in.
That's kind of a little steep.
Yikes.
"7:45 PM Mexican mariachi sunset horseback ride" "we've got the horses for the whole day so here's your chance to ride if you can't make it to the pre-dawn ride.
The sunset one isn't free though, due to mariachi.
$15.
00 a head.
9:00 PM--" - "Tapas dinner.
" - That's perfect! We're gonna be back from Spain, right? Yeah, Dave, we're back on the 30th.
This is great.
"Also, the night before, Friday night, there will be an optional rehearsal dinner at 6:00 PM okay, list of supplies.
They want us to bring-- "Sunscreen, plenty of water, camera, extra sneakers or walking shoes, a light coat for nighttime.
PS.
Try to bring lots of cash.
No children.
" Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Ow! Lance, look at this! Like, 100 people are coming already.
They already said yes! I'm nervous now.
I'm, like, nervous for this party.
Three people are coming.
Thor83, he did a plus 97! Dude, that is funny! Okay.
I was, like, worried we were gonna have to get a bigger venue.
Like, who brings 97 people to a party? He's just joking around? - That guy does the best replies! - Who is that? Plus 97.
Oh, boy, I wonder if that's gonna work.
Just move on.
Next evite.
See what we got here.
Paintball party.
Okay.
Just be free with it.
Uh, "I'm gonna come with Lindsay Lohan.
" Come on.
No.
This is so old.
What if I did plus 96? No, don't even risk lazy.
You are Thor83.
You have invented the world of funny evite replies.
Now rule your kingdom! Uh, paintballs, paintballs-- Oh! "Can't wait.
Bringing a real gun.
" If it makes you laugh, it gets sent.
That's the rule.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Royce from the Portland Milk Advisory Board.
I'm Alicia.
Royce is my boss.
I'm Royce and I'm her boss.
He's my boss.
Last week we told you about berry seed milk.
- It's just jam.
- That's right.
We're advising you now instead to drink raw cow's milk.
Just don't be put off by the color.
Don't give us a hard time about changing up the milk.
We went to UC Davis.
Do you know what that is? I graduated first in my class.
- I was dead last.
- He's my boss.
- I like being boss.
- I'm so comfortable here.
I tried drinking it and it's like putting white clay in your mouth.
We can't not go.
I just don't think it's in our budget.
I mean, maybe you could just go.
I don't want to be with those people by myself.
We're gonna make this work.
There's some way to make this work.
Too many of our friends are having birthdays this month.
We have to say no to someone.
It can't be Nina.
I know a guy who robs liquor stores, and if I just drive him he gives you a cut of it.
It's not much but it might cover the tapas.
Maybe we can go to the bank and get a loan.
You guys need a loan for a birthday? We got an evite for a birthday party.
Okay.
Why didn't you say that? It is a 30-year fixed loan, and it is 6.
5% interest and the asterisk means that we round it up to 8%.
- It's 8%, then.
- Yeah.
- It's not 6.
5%.
- For all intensive purposes, it is eight.
The 6.
5% interest loan, that's just the name of it.
The percentage of interest is actually 8%.
So, basically I'm going to first ask you a bunch of questions - about the birthday party.
- Okay.
- Not the birthday party, but the-- - Person? - The person.
- Yeah.
- Is it a boy or a girl? - Girl.
- Girl.
- Girl.
Girl.
- Tomboy or princess? - More of a princess.
- Princess, I think.
- More of a princess? Is she a book reader or a playground diva? Playground diva.
Boys like her, or boys, like to stay away from her? - She's got a boyfriend.
- She's got a boyfriend? Cute.
What kind of grades does this person get? Uh, what do you mean, grades? Do they get, like, A's, B's, C's? - I don't think-- - In sch-- Currently she's getting any grades-- She's not showing up? It's not a child.
It's an-- full-on adult.
Oh.
All right, that's a completely different form.
- I'm sorry.
- Oh, gosh-- - So maybe we should go back and change "playground diva.
" - Huh? Thank you.
All right! Excited for this party! - I feel great.
I'm not jet-lagged at all.
- Me neither.
- All right.
- La casa.
These are nice.
Good choice.
Should we make some paella for the neighbors? - Hey, Bill! - The castanets-- are they in here somewhere? Hey, we're gonna take our time, sir.
I am excited for that party next week.
Could you believe the timing? How about that it's tapas? I know.
We're gonna be experts at this party.
Yeah.
They're gonna be asking us.
We should even bring the paella pot.
Sure.
I'm really glad we got this from the room.
It was a smart idea to just buy it.
I drove a pretty hard bargain with those idiots.
- Is this us or them? - That's his.
Sorry, sir.
I want to try my Spanish out on the waiter.
Sir, do you have some more food for us? Check it out.
Is that Thor83? Let's go talk to him.
You say it first.
Hi, excuse me.
Sorry to be super annoying.
Are you Thor83? - Guilty as charged, yes.
- Dude! I never do stuff like-- can I get a pic-- do you want to get a picture? Do you mind? Is that the worst thing-- Let's do it this way, because other wise we'll be in silhouette.
Do you want to turn around? What am I, Martin Scorsese all of a sudden? Wait, what was that? You were Martin Scorsese? Okay, ready? Wait.
- So weird.
- I'm looking in your eyes and I'm thinking, are you thinking of replies right now? I guess by default I'm just replying to everything you're saying.
- Oh.
- So, yeah, that's-- look, you know, I'm doing RSVP fest this year, so if you want I can get you wristbands if you want to come.
- Oh my God.
- For real? I'm doing the reply stage, - I'm doing the maybe tent.
- Oh, man! I would love it! - Your replies for Nina's birthday party are so good! - Thank you.
Oh my God, the plus 97 thing-- I've seen, like, plus 97 T-shirts.
- See, that's-- - Are you gonna be there? No.
Do you go to any other parties at all? No.
We need to-- we need to go to this birthday party.
Uh-huh.
Did we say it's tapas? So they're small plates but they cost as much as a normal plate.
I'm a birthday loan officer.
I know what tapas are.
This is my first birthday loan.
- We don't even come to banks much.
- No.
I totally get it.
I mean, it's recession.
These birthdays it seems like a person has a birthday almost every year.
Now I'm gonna ask you guys a couple of birthday questions in general, just to establish what level of birthday respect you guys have.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I mean, are birthdays even important, right? It's just the amount of time the Earth takes to go around the Sun.
Seems so arbitrary.
- Birthdays are very important to us.
- Very important.
That is correct.
That was a trick question.
- We could tell the whole time.
- Yeah.
- Would you say you're a good birthday guest? - Yeah, I think so.
Sometimes I'll give the gift to the person next to the birthday person and then say, just kidding and hand it to the right person.
Your idea of a fun birthday is to punk the birthday person? It's a very light punking.
It sounds like medium to heavy punking.
They barely know they're punked, - then it's all done.
- It's over, yeah.
What's the best birthday gift you've ever received? My high school friends gave me a moose head from an antique store.
I gave you a nice wallet.
Last birthday.
And a wallet.
- I'll change it to the wallet.
- I've already checked moose head.
You checked a box for "moose head"? All right, let me crunch some numbers.
We're gonna input all this information into the loan computer, and we'll see how we do.
Should we just sit here? Most people just sit there.
That seems to ne the overwhelming majority of people's actions.
Can we take one of these lollipops? Can we have one of these lollipops? Sir? Excuse me-- Those are display pops.
All right.
Congratulations.
You just don't want to get the desk dirty.
Congratulations, you guys have qualified for a birthday loan.
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
I am a birthday loan officer.
This is what I do.
You guys, it's my birthday.
Aren't you excited for me? I'm gonna go with my boyfriend Lance and we're gonna make, like, a big entrance.
Everyone's gonna probably applaud when we walk in, and he's gonna have, like, a suit, and he's gonna look really good, 'cause he never wears a suit.
Tails? I'm not a magician.
You know what? I don't like the man-to-man contact like that.
What else do you have? I wish you guys could come, but I don't know you well enough.
And it's kind of an exclusive party 'cause it's my birthday.
I know I have weird fingers.
This used to be webbed and they had it removed because people would make fun of me.
You know what this jacket says? "Pussy whipped.
" Next.
Do you have a leather tux? Lance, you look so elegant! That's not a term you compliment a guy with.
"Elegant"? You didn't even notice! I got extensions.
Like, we're changing for the party.
- What did you extend? - My hair! Why do I have to dress a certain way at your birthday? It's just your birthday! It's just my birthday? It's a big deal to me, Lance! It means a lot to me.
Just, like, dress up nice for my birthday, please! You don't like this? Oh, my, who's the stranger in the peach white? I'm really glad you're having a birthday, and I was totally on board with it, but now it's taking over our lives.
- Lance, you're not even trying.
- I'm tired of distressing me out so much! Sir, can you-- honey, you're-- - I just got to get out of here.
- Lance, where are you going? Let me go! Isn't he cute? Lance! Lance, wait! Where are you going? You're gonna make it to the party, right? Lance! No.
Delete that one.
Delete that one.
You can't even tell whose birthday-- it looks like it's his birthday.
Eric, let's do these over.
First round of pictures, like, wasn't right.
Can we do a surprised one? - We're surprised? - No.
Only me.
Pardon us.
So sorry.
Happy birthday.
You guys made it! We have tapas.
I heard you guys went to Spain.
- We just came back from Spain, everyone.
- Yep.
- We were in Salamanca.
- So just to note, we would not be eating right now if we were in Spain.
- What? - This is inauthentic.
What is that? Is that a Rioja? I'll show you how to pour this.
In Spain they don't care.
They don't look at the glass.
They live and they breathe and they don't care if they have a job.
And they, "I'm in love with you.
I love you.
I don't love you.
" It's a very-- - but that's how they stay alive longer.
- I'm just gonna pass on these.
- Totally inauthentic.
- Yeah.
Is there a tortilla Española, or anything with egg? Where's that egg? "Juevas.
" Where did she go? - At least a "cerveza.
" - An espresso coffee! We're in the tapas ghetto down here.
I think we're gonna have to fill up on garnish.
Can we get some of anything? Can we get five plates of what this is? - Oh, yeah.
- And some more meatballs.
- Just down to right here-- - We'll probably start it down here and then it will get down to you.
Guys? Oh, um, so, okay, Lance is on his way but thank you for coming.
He says hi to everybody.
That's a total lie.
I haven't heard from him at all.
You have, like, a guy's point of view, and that's like the thing that, like, I forget that, like, guys and girls are in essence really different.
But that's the thing that, like-- he just, like, does his own thing, and, like, it's kind of sexy at first-- I'm so glad-- like, I'm glad that you and I can talk, as real people Can I get another for my friend over here? - Thanks.
- I'm Lance.
Lance? Jim.
So you having trouble with the missus? I mean, yeah, you know, it's my old lady's birthday and she's making such a big deal about it.
It happens every year.
It is not a national holiday.
You know, Lance, I used to be just like you.
- Birthdays are no big deal-- - That's what I'm saying.
But it doesn't work like that, Lance.
Birthdays are special.
What do you mean? I would suggest the cilantro.
One thing that's more authentic-- these are roasted.
Roast the cilantro.
We're eating, as you probably know, a little early.
You probably find this as humorous as us, people are eating at 7:00.
I mean-- - Give us some of the food! - Who are these people? I've never met any of these people.
Three birthdays in a month is too much.
Nina, you're 32.
It's your day.
We're here to say.
- That flan's never making it down here.
- No.
No.
As they say in España That would never happen in Spain.
We have to fix this.
Ole ole! Feliz cumpleaños, Nina.
Guys, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done.
Thank you so much for coming here.
You all mean the world to me-- Nina.
David! We would like to give you a traditional birthday song.
Let me tell you a story.
My old lady's last birthday.
I got up extra early, I decorated the bedroom with streamers.
- Streamers? - Streamers.
Doesn't make you feel pussy whipped to be doing everything she wants? I'm proud to be pussy whipped to that woman.
And that night that woman was willing to do anything and everything that I wanted her to do.
She was doing backflips all night long.
I'd like to see Nina doing some backflips.
You got a picture of her? Sure do.
Look at this sweet thing.
- Wow, redhead, huh? - So ladylike.
It's not often I get to see a woman as fine as that.
She could be a model, right? You mean she's not? She's my little model.
Can I see that again, Lance? Go easy, buddy.
Wow, she is something else.
You better do everything that you can to hold on to that girl.
Lance? Why don't I put my card down? Why don't we-- here, do you want to just have a look at that.
Do you want to put it on my card or your-- Why don't we? Maybe we should call that guy that-- I can't-- I'm not sure-- We know a guys who handles these kinds of bills.
Hello, everybody.
Nina, happy birthday.
- I'm told we have a situation.
- Oh, hi, yeah.
- I can't figure out the bill.
- Let's have a look, sweetheart.
It's 15 people minus the birthday girl.
She's gratis.
All right, who had wine? Raise your hand, please.
A 10-way split for the wine.
Any vegetarians at the table? No meat dishes on your tab.
All right, how was the service? - Uh, adequate? - Could you put that into a number for me? I think it's a qualitative-- - Can I get a number? - 7.
5.
We'll call it 18.
6%.
That leaves the damage at $93.
50 each, $82.
20 for the veggies, $58.
55 for the teetotalers.
- I'm gonna be paying for my girlfriend.
- Then double it.
187 even.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Applebee's? How many in your party? Ciao.
Softball team Okay? - So when is Nina's birthday party? - It's tonight.
You know there's still time.
I should go.
Thanks, man.
You bet, Lance.
- And Lance-- - Yeah? Keep the shiny side up, brother.
You too, man.
Oh, if you find more almonds, there's spiced almonds, just save them in a to-go container.
- We'll see you later! I'll call you later! - Bye! And if there's any more-- like, I don't need any of the wine, but if there's other bottles of wine that aren't open yet, we can take some of those home.
I don't know if that's a problem.
- Okay, I'll go look.
- Thank you.
Nina! Are you ready for that pre-dawn horseback ride? Lance! I can't believe this! You're a knight! Look up at the sky.
There's a balloon.
Inside that balloon is the band No Doubt.
- I see them! Hi! - Hey! Hi! Happy birthday! How did you do it? I asked.
Because I realized your birthday is the most special day of the year.
Oh, Lance, you're so perfect! - I'm freaking out! I can't believe how good it is! - It's not just special for you.
Your birthday is special to me.
Are we gonna go on a horseback ride? - Just you and me and these horses.
And No Doubt.
- Hey! Lance, this is crazy! I love you! - I love you too- - He's crazy! Like we got into a fight and he didn't even come to my birthday party and I thought about him the whole time.
- Can you even hear me? - Yep.
- Can you hear me? - I can't hear you.
What does Gavin do for you on your birthday? Do you guys get into fights? Do you and Gavin get into fights? Would love to come there.
I am on a two-week birthday-party cleanse.
I coulda been a consigliere.
It'll be me and 97 friends.
This RSV has been peed.
Thank you.
I'm Thor83.
Send me an evite.
Thanks.