Reno 911! (2003) s03e04 Episode Script

[sirens wailing.]
- [both shouting through masks.]
- Open up! - Garcia! - Come on! Open the door! - What the hell? What?! - A cyanide truck just jackknifed in your neighborhood! Everybody's got to put these masks on! - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know what's going on, ladies.
Get garcia to put on the stupid mask and run down The street in my underwear like some stupid monkey.
- No! Nobody cares if you're in your underwear! - Just put it on! - No one cares! - You can tell dangle or whoever's behind this thing There ain't no cyanide truck in the possible by mtv networks.]
[siren.]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - [cheering.]
- Ha ha ha! - Whoa! Ho! Ho! [siren.]
[tires screech.]
[bell ringing.]
- ♪ wake up, you sleepy heads, and put your thinking caps on, And come and learn to read with reading ron, it's all Just as easy as your abc's, and all of you at home can Read along with me, 'cause reno's little babies love Reading, reading, reno's little babies love reading With ron, reno's little babies love reading, reading, so come Along with us and read along with ron ♪ - ♪ me ♪ Hi.
Reading ron here.
It's good to see all of you.
You might remember we were reading about the adventures Of mr.
Cop-a-feel and principal mctouches-too-much.
Well, today, we're going to see some cops on the right Side of the law.
We're here at the reno sheriff's department, And they're just starting this morning.
Let's go see what they're doing.
Hi.
We're inside the reno sheriff's department, and I'm Being kind of quiet because this is where the urgent, Urgent business of the day is being taken care of.
Let's listen in and see what they're talking about.
UmLet's meet this officer.
Officer, what are you-- what--what are you wearing? First of all, you have shorts on.
- Uh, yes, I have shorts.
- We wear shorts to the swimming pool, and we wear Them to the beach.
Do you wear them to the-- The pool or the beach? - Oh, sure, when we're working On patrol, we have to goTo the beach.
- Mm-hmm.
- Often.
- What do you find at the beach when you're there? - Uh, one-- Uh, the last time we were at, uh, the beach, uh, travis Stepped on a hypodermic needle.
And, uh, he thought maybe he had contracted aids.
- Ok, um - I got off easy.
I got hep, but, I mean, I considered myself lucky.
- You know what? - It was just hep.
- Could you stop for a second? UmYeah.
If you'll find another word that would substitute - I got it, I got it.
I know.
I'll tell the story again.
I'll tell it again.
- So like use beach ball or something.
This officer is wearing shorts, and sometimes he goes To the beach, I imagine.
What do you find there? - The last time we were at the beach, travis stepped On a beach ballAnd thought he had contracted aids.
- You know what? Can we cut for a second? You are going to have to cover that.
Officer dangle, can we just cover that? - Your bosoms? Her bosoms? - Well, yeah, it's for children, and do you mind If I just--just-- - I mind.
- Clemmy? - It's to just cover it up just a little bit.
- If you want to touch 'em, you just say something later.
- Goddamn it, people! We had a fucking talk before reading ron came in, ok? I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
- No, that's ok.
Those are-- Um, we call those awkward timeouts.
- Ok.
- Here's an officer who likes books for her children, And she reads them a lot with them, and I imagine their Father, too.
- No.
Well, no, not all of 'em, 'cause only like one of my Kid's daddies can--he can read good, you know? - That would be read well.
- That's sometimes nice to have two daddies in a house.
- Some people have two lesbian mothers or two gay dads.
- And some kids are products of rape.
- Um Well, this is very exciting.
Reading ron is in a police cruiser, and we've talked About this a lot.
The cruiser cruises, and we roll.
That's right, I'm with deputy junior.
- How you doing? - Deputy junior is doing what we call rolling or cruising.
We are rolling.
Isn't that what they call it when they say, "let's roll"? - Uh, well, technically, rolling means you've taken ecstasy.
Like when the kids will say, "are you rolling?" And that means that they already ingested a hit Of ecstasy.
- I tell you - And ecstasy does not start with an "x.
" - Can I just stop this for a second? We're rolling right now, and when we roll, we go down Streets, and we look and see what people are doing in their Yards and on the street.
Some of them are watering their grasses, some people are-- - Got a prostitute right here.
Uh-- - If we see a prostitute, just say, "a bucket.
I saw a bucket.
" Or something-- - I saw a bucket.
- A bucket.
[sigh.]
- Oh, look, there's a bucket going Down on a puerto rican right there.
- Sheriff's department! We have a warrant! - Sheriff's department! We have a warrant for the arrest of mr.
Yugioh fenab.
Open the door, please! We have a warrant for your arrest, fenab! - All right, freeze! Freeze! Mr.
Fenab?! Mr.
Fenab?! - Is he sleeping? - I got nothing.
- He's dead.
- Mr.
Yugioh fenab, stay still! - Trudy, trudy, did you miss the part Where I said he was dead? I'll get a paramedic.
Yeah, we got a cold one on our hands, and no blood, no signs Of trauma, nothing.
Is his face yellowish? - Well - Again, his name is mr.
Fenab.
SoCheck his tongue.
And what are we looking for in the tongue there? - Ahh.
- Like red dots? - Red like raised taste buds, yeah.
- Yeah, I can stay on the line.
[whispering.]
he's getting the c.
D.
C.
- What's that? - Center for disease control.
- Why? - Getting the c.
D.
C.
? - Mm-hmm.
Hey, yeah.
Jim dangle here.
Ohh.
Oh.
- Thanks, brian.
Thanks, tim.
All right, well, here's the deal.
Basically, I just took a sample from the body.
I got to quarantine this place.
And I'm gonna send the sample off to atlanta, and that Takes 48 hours.
- Oh.
- Just for, uh, knowing, and how long till sars, Uh, takes effect and kills us if we have it? - Uh, 36 hours.
I just read it in a book in the truck.
Oh, I know.
Oh, gosh.
- That's what I'm trying-- - I just did the math in my head.
- We were all thinking the same thing.
- Ohh, right.
Ok.
- Is there any way to expedite that? - Well, there's nothing I can do.
Why don't I take those.
I am gonna have to burn these.
And thank you.
I probably--I probably should get yours as well.
Right.
Oh, wonderful.
- Sorry about that, joe.
- All right.
Well, I will be back in a couple of hours, and you guys Sit tight.
- Thank you, though.
We appreciate it.
- You know, I'd rather not shake your hand.
Thanks, guys.
- Thank you.
How many days is 48 hours? - It's two days.
- That's what I thought.
- Two days.
- Guys.
Guys, guys, great news! Great news! - What? - The lady wolfpack is up by 10.
You guys basketball fans? [siren.]
[siren.]
- You know, when you work in show business, junior, You feel the pressure at all times.
You could be a star one day, like I am now.
People know me-- - Or like you want to be one day.
Right? I mean, I would say the radish Was a star, but like-- - No, the radish-- - Like, you show people a picture Of jim henson, most people, "who's that hippy?" Like you show 'em kermit the frog, they're like, "hey, kermit the frog.
Whoo!" - No.
The radish plays alongside me.
The radish is a sidekick.
I'm always with the radish.
Every time you see the radish, you see me.
- Looks like this guy's flagging me down here.
- Yeah, you're gonna want to just keep rolling.
- You need something, sir? - You know what? Just--just-- You know what? Just keep going.
- You need something, sir? - Yeah.
This one right there.
- Me? - Hey, what's up, man? What's going on? - You know what? I think he has me mistaken for someone.
You know me from-- - No, I know you.
- You're mistaking him-- - He knows me from "reading ron.
" It happens to me.
- Hey, ron steinberg.
- Steinberg? Your last name's steinberg? - Let me talk--can I talk-- - Listen, motherfucker, you owe me.
- Sir, please.
- You owe me, motherfucker.
- Outside of the vehicle, sir.
Outside the vehicle.
- I'm sorry, officer.
- Goddamn it.
Don't fucking-- - What the fuck Is the matter with you, motherfucker? - I am getting my life back together again.
You're-- - You owe me $200 motherfucking.
- I don't owe you anything.
You tell dale I did not give his sister herpes.
I did not do that.
I don't know.
Sometimes fans get so enthusiastic, and it's Uncomfortable for everybody.
- [trudy and dangle sobbing.]
- Jonesy? That's my boob.
- Let's pull it together, ok? - Ok.
- Trudy? - Yeah? - Um - I know.
You want to have sex with me because I'm kind of the last Woman on earth in this case.
Let's get it over with.
- I'll let you, uh - We've had our differences.
- Mm-hmm.
- And they've been bad.
- Mm-hmm.
- I've said things about you IProbably didn't mean.
You know? I mean, I meant them, but I don't-- I don't really mean them.
And I just want to say - Mm-hmm.
- That I think when we're gone - Uh-huh.
- Sometime tomorrow afternoon - Uh-huh.
- We're all gonna be somewhere better - Uh-huh.
[trudy farts.]
- Did you just fart? - Mm-hmm.
- Well, we've seen a lot of things today, And one of the places that they have here At the reno sheriff's department is kind Of a toy closet.
You have one at home.
Let's go in and see what the deputy is playing With inside here.
Hi, deputy.
- Hey, reading ron.
- What's in this room? It's colorful, and there are lots of toys.
I see some skates up there and lots of signs with words like "bulk property" - "requires a booking slip.
" - Booking slips.
- A booking slip is something I'm gonna fill out later when You're not here because this is kind of sad.
This belonged to a mother who was carrying her baby in this.
And this particular mommy was roller-skating-- - Ha ha ha! That's fun.
- And she got hit by a car.
And both the mommy and the baby are now dead.
But we have these things, and I was gonna tag 'em, But I'll wait and do that later.
- That's great.
- This we found on the scene of a fetish video where Pregnant women were standing in bikinis on rocks and firing Their ak-47s, but they were underage, so we had to Bring it in.
- What do you got down there? What's that there? Looks like it's not exactly play-doh, is it? - Oh, this is--ohh! Ok, this--you think you know what a white horse is or A white pony.
This is a different kind of white pony.
If you happen to be snooping around when your legal Guardian is not at home and you find some of this, Leave it alone.
It is very expensive.
- You mind if I just-- You mind if I This is-- jeez, it takes me back.
Jeez.
Oh, that's--wow.
I lost a lot--I lost a lot because of this, um, and-- - Thank you.
- I had a wife and a kid.
I had a house with a gate.
I don't live there anymore.
I live in a little apartment now.
Do you think that I wanted to do this for the rest Of my career? You think I wanted to teach little children how to read? - Why not? - You know what? I hate fucking kids.
I can't stand them.
I don't want to have anything to do with them.
See that road down there in the hallway, how it all just-- The end of my career is at the end of it.
- I'm sorry about your show today.
- I want to thank all of you deputies for just shoving your Boots right up my a-hole.
You know how you spell that? "a", and then you follow it up with an h-o-l-e.
[siren.]
[siren.]
- Is it up there? - It's good.
- Is he gonna stay up there, though? - Yeah, he's got some food up there.
He's got food.
- He's fine.
- Well, what we did is we borrowed one Of wiegel's cats and stuck him up on this roof.
'cause reading ron's show, he ain't getting nothing That's usable, so we thought maybe cat rescue.
Kids like that, right? - What do we got here, a dead hooker? Are you gonna show me some semen samples? - No semen today.
- Oh, great, great.
- Lucky you happened to stop by.
We have a code 2, and what that is-- - That's great, you got a head in a box.
You're gonna show a head in a box.
That's great.
- No, it's a cute little cat up on the roof.
There's a cute-- - You really got a cute little cat up there? - Yeah.
A cute little cat is caught up on the roof, and a little girl Called, so the brave men and women of-- - You know what? Let me do this.
Why don't I handle this? It's reading ron's program.
Words are everywhere.
You'd be surprised where you might find them.
You might find some cops.
You might find a cat, but on a house.
Two cs: A kuh and a kuh.
It's called alliteration.
Right? - Alliteration.
- Help that kitty, cops.
- All right! Let's go! - We'll do that for you, ron.
- Let's get her, junior.
- That's all right.
It's all right, kitty-kitty.
It's ok.
Don't make any false moves or nothing.
You can do it.
Oh, got ya.
- How's that cat coming? Don't hurt him.
[cat yowling.]
- Got him.
Aah! Aah.
- Yay! [deputies clapping.]
- Another satisfied customer here in reno.
Ow! [cat yowling.]
- Ohh! - Jeez.
-Oh! - Ohh! - God! God! God! - [clementine sobbing.]
- Reading ron-- - Fuck ron! Reading ron is fired ron.
Goddamn this.
- He's ok.
Just let him walk it off.
- It's not our fault.
- Walk it off, ron! W-a-l-k! Walk it off! - You know, we could get another cat.
We could try it again.
- I'm gonna put on a record.
How about that? Will that cheer everybody up? Here we go.
This will be fun.
This will be fun.
[record playing fast.]
- Is it at the wrong speed, do you think? - Let's get in a massage line.
- Ok.
- All right.
- Does that feel good? - Yeah.
That's great.
- [dangle moaning.]
- Feel good? - Yeah.
- Trudy? Trudy? Turn it up a little bit.
- You like that? - Trudy.
- You like that massage? You like that massage, trudy? Yeah.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Ohh.
- Ohh.
- Oh, yeah.
- [trudy and jonesy laughing.]
- You smell like peanut butter cookies.
You know that? - Ohh.
- Ohh.
[alarm ringing.]
[alarm stops.]
- Oh, this can't be good.
[siren.]
- What do we got here? - Cover me.
- God! God, look where we find ourselves.
You're all here.
I'm glad you're all here.
- Ron, take it easy.
- Did you ever hear the story of "reading ron eats a gun"? It's got a man who has a reading show on public Television with a gun.
[gunshot.]
- Ohh! Ron! - God, it's hot in here! - Put down the gun, ron! - D-o-w-n, down! - Damn! - It's your lucky day, buddy.
- This isn't my lucky day.
- It's your lucky day, 'cause guess who's on the phone? It's your wife and your little girls - Oh, baby.
- And she wants to reconcile.
- Would you tell phyllis I love her? - Why don't you tell her? - She's a whore.
- No, she's not.
- She's a whore! - Don't point that gun! - She's a whore.
Hey, phyllis! Damn! - Ron! - It's a free phone call.
- Don't blow it.
- I'm putting the gun down.
- You're an attractive man.
- Good for you, ron! - That's right, good for you.
[taser buzzes.]
- There you go.
- That's all.
- That's how we do it.
- Ohh.
Good job, junior.
- What a dick.
[taser buzzes.]
[siren.]
[siren.]
- [trudy and dangle whimpering.]
- [jonesy sobbing, coughing.]
- I'm so cold.
Oh, god, I'm so cold.
- Hello, anybody home? - What? - Oh, hey, guys! Great news! It was aids! Isn't that great? - Aids? - [deputies laughing, crying.]
- He's got aids.
- [deputies laughing.]
- Morning, guys.
To our debut on reno's channel 58.
[alarm on tv ringing.]
- Hey.
Oh, oh! - Ha ha ha! - Oh, wake up.
- He looks fine.
- He does.
- He pulled it together.
- Pulled his act together, and I'm sure he's gonna be Just fine.
- ♪ and all of you at home can sing along with me ♪ - That is awesome.
- [indistinct chatter.]
- ♪ read along with ron ♪ - ♪ me ♪ - Oh, there's the radish.
Check it out.
- Hello, reno boys and girls.
Welcome to "reading with ron.
" I'm dr.
Radish, the reading radish.
This week, I'm sorry to say, reading ron is taking A little timeout.
He'll be back in Until then, I'll be your host.
This week, we're meeting the greatest heroes of reno who Put their life on the line every day.
I'm talking of course about ourFiremen! - Son of a bitch.
- Hello, reading radish.
- Hi, reading radish.
Doors, fire doors.
- What the hell? - I had to ride around with that prick for 8 hours.
Captioning made possible by mtv networks Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- - ♪ wake up, you sleepy heads ♪ ♪ and put your thinking caps on ♪ ♪ and come and learn to ron-- ♪ fuck.
I really got to say you have a pube In your mouth.
- It's your wife's.
- ♪ come along and read along with meAnd ron ♪ Jesus god! I'm gonna fucking Cut you up with a salad shooter and sprinkle you all Over my greens.
- That's funny, 'cause your wife's a vegan, too.
- ♪ reno's little babies love reading, reading ♪ - Fuck this! For god's sake.
- Jesus christ.