Resident Alien (2021) s03e04 Episode Script
Avian Flu
1
Previously on "Resident Alien"
There are Grey-human
hybrids all over the Earth.
That's the man who shot
Peter Bach and my guards.
We need to find out what
the Greys are up to.
The Greys' cavern is here.
If they've connected it
to the magma chamber,
the pressure would turn
Yellowstone National Park
into the most destructive natural bomb
in the history of the world.
- So how long till it blows up?
- Maybe a year.
You broke galactic law.
You are hereby ordered to
leave Earth immediately.
Son of a bitch.
That right there is a fingerprint.
"Dr. Wendy Beasley,
retired military chemist."
We did it! We got a match!
No, I chose last time.
I want to go where you want to go.
- Uh-huh.
- Really.
-
- Okay. Well, how about Antonio's?
You think? The pasta?
Okay, well, if you were me,
what would you want to eat?
Well, you always like Mexican.
I do, don't I?
Mm-hmm.
Mount Taco it is.
Mount Taco.
- Have fun in the lab.
- Okay.
[DEVICE BEEPS, LOCK CLICKS]
Dr. Wendy Beasley,
please come to Lab 209.
Dr. Wendy Beasley, please come
- [EXPLOSION]
- Aah!
[ALARM BLARING]
Gary?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Open the door!
Somebody open the door! Please.
- Help!
- Gary. Gary. Gary.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Gary!
No, no, no!
Gary!
[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]
[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]
They can't just make you leave Earth.
We will fight this summons.
You do not understand.
The Galactic Federation has referred
this to the Housing Council.
I-it is over.
Harry, you can't just give up.
We need you here, okay?
I don't give a shit about
this Housing Council.
- No.
- Mm!
You cannot talk that way
about Housing Council.
It is very dangerous.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Sorry, I didn't catch that.
I can translate. It's mostly
about losing a hand.
- Oh.
- Good choice.
What are you doing with those?
Putting them where all eviction
notices go the fire.
Oh, those those will not burn.
They're not paper.
- [SNIFFS] What is it?
- Moldar skin.
Gross.
- I'm vegan now.
- Moldar skin is not gross.
Moldar-skin hats are the best hats.
Moldar skin try and rip it.
You cannot. [CHUCKLES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
The processor is coming.
Try not to be distracted
by her pretty face.
Pubescent aliens hang holograms
of Blue Avians above their bed.
I did.
♪
Oh. [CLUCKING]
You are a bird.
No, no! Damn it!
Stupid portal.
Sucks I-I'm supposed to appear
as the life forms of my destination.
Now I'm breaking galactic
law. Great. [SCOFFS]
You do not need to appear as a human.
You are perfect the way you are.
Thanks, but this thing has been touchy
ever since some idiot from probate
tried to sneak fruit through it.
Why can't you take fruit?
That's the question
you're asking right now?
Look, just give me the
signed papers, okay?
And then the Housing
Council is going to come,
and they're going to
collect you for eviction.
You smell woodsy. I will sign them.
- Please, Mrs. Bird
- Oh, no.
Don't come at me with "Mrs. Bird."
- My Earth name is Heather.
- Oh, rhymes with feather.
Yeah. It does.
Wish someone had told me
that when I picked it.
Heather, Harry is here
to save our planet.
So, if you could just look
the other way on this one
You know I get paid by the job, right?
And how would I know that?
Well, look, if you want the papers,
they're over there on the floor.
- [SCOFFS]
- Okay.
Don't worry, I'll grab them.
I'll just pick them off the
floor like a friggin' pigeon.
♪
- [GASPS]
- Oh, no, no, no!
- Oh, no!
- BOTH: Oh.
- Terrible news.
- No!
Yeah, I can tell you two are
really, really upset about it,
but this sucks for me, okay?
Because now I have to
call the repair guy,
and he's going to take forever.
And then he's going to
have to order parts,
which will take forever.
And so, basically, I'm stuck
on the shittiest planet
in the galaxy.
No offense
I see your mouths are agape at
me saying "shittiest planet."
Sorry.
I need to use the bathroom.
Uh, do we put down a
newspaper or something?
It's to change, you dick.
It is down the hall on your right.
I hope I put the seat down.
I just saved the world with a banana.
- How was your day?
- Yeah, you did.
It was the best one.
It was the perfect amount of ripe.
So, question
um, can any of you recommend
a hotel around here?
Something mid-range, preferably
where you can earn miles?
Huh. I see Heather now.
Hey.
- You're up early.
- Yeah.
Still can't sleep.
Up half the night feeling terrified,
- and I don't know why.
- Oh.
But I was thinking,
sometimes you're stressed.
All the time.
- A lot of the time.
- Every day.
But not when you're making candles
because you have a creative outlet.
And I haven't picked up my
sketchbook in a while, I know,
but I think I'm going to
do a children's book.
Oh, that's a great idea.
You know, when I was a kid,
I always wanted a book with a
baby elephant and a monkey.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- Yeah.
- This isn't that.
- Got it.
Well, can I see?
Eh I-I think I'd rather
just wait till it's finished.
Okay. Say no more.
Mm-hmm.
But if there is a baby elephant
- There's not.
- Two words sailor's cap.
Think about it.
Now, why would a
well-respected military chemist
end up living way out here
like some kind of
creepy-ass fairy-tale witch?
They say she kind of lost it
after she saw her husband die
- in a lab accident.
- A lab accident?
You saying we could be
facing a super villain?
Um, no, I was not.
Okay, 'cause I can't be
facing a super villain,
not while I'm trying to figure out
what happened to my best deputy.
Now, tell me again what you saw
when you went by
Joseph's house, exactly.
Okay, we're definitely going to
get back to the best-deputy part.
I told you, it was empty.
He's gone.
Isn't that suspicious?
He's army recon. He wouldn't just quit.
What's even more suspicious is,
right when we're looking
for another deputy,
the perfect candidate just shows up.
That's how it works for handsome people.
Happens to me all the time.
Every job I ever got didn't
even exist until I wanted it.
The job of sheriff existed
before you had it, sir.
Yeah, but it was the
day I said to myself,
it'd be nice to be sheriff,
that old Sheriff Hawthorne up and died.
Now, did I kill him? Maybe.
Luckily, you can't be arrested
for your thoughts yet.
But I'm working on it.
What if we fake Harry's death?
Can't get evicted if you're dead.
I have no choice but to leave Earth.
We have been brainstorming all morning.
The storm has stopped,
and now there is just mud.
Hey, guys. Asta, I'm going to see
you at Drew's party tomorrow?
Yes. Of course I'll be there.
Is that a pie? I need it for my trip.
It is a pie, but it's not for you.
- It's for my paralegal.
- Oh.
Hey, hypothetically, say your
friend was getting evicted
Is this the same friend as last time?
By the way, you still owe me $200.
Uh, without names,
say you wanted to stop
the hypothetical eviction.
My first piece of legal advice would be
not to co-sign a lease with this one.
- Okay. I just Can we
- Noted.
But for your other friend,
I would say maybe just wait it out
or possibly countersue.
What are you doing?
It was like that.
You're countersuing?
[SCOFFS]
Do you even realize how
much paperwork that is?
Guess I can say goodbye to my
timeshare on Lesser Antares.
Oh, I am sorry.
- Lesser Antares is very pretty.
- Yeah.
I have Moldar-skin pants from there.
Me too.
They're so durable.
You ever try ripping them in half?
BOTH: You cannot ♪
[GASPS, LAUGHING]
Hey, no one's ever taken on
the Housing Council before.
What's going on with you?
You some kind of bad boy or something?
Yep, I'm a bad boy.
♪
Oh.
I don't care about it.
I'm not even a real doctor.
Ooh, that is bad.
I killed a man.
You what?
He was evil.
[STAMMERS] I saw him kick a seagull.
- Oh.
- And stole its French fry.
Uh-uh.
So I killed him.
[CHUCKLES]
It's nice to talk to a-another alien.
If you are going to be
in Patience for a while,
maybe I could show you around town.
- We have a pizza place!
- I don't like pizza.
Oh, I hate pizza. We are the same.
Thanks, but I think I'm just going
to head back to the hotel.
My back has been killing
me for some reason.
It is the human bed so primitive.
I miss my Trixian saliva bed.
Wait, you're kidding me?
I didn't know you could still get those.
Bad boys can.
I could look at you in the
exam room, help your back.
We could talk about spit blankets.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Nurse, uh, make Heather
more comfortable.
Get get get a
blanket and spit on it.
I will get her a blanket,
but I am not doing that.
I am sorry for the primitive
nature of Earth medicine.
This is how they listen to your heart.
Why not get two soup cans
and connect them with string?
[LAUGHS] Oh.
Oh, uh I can hear that you are dying.
[LAUGHTER]
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
Uh, please remove your jacket.
♪
[GASPS]
Everything okay back there?
Is she electric?
I am buzzing, and my knees are melting.
[BODY THUDS]
I fell.
I was Something bit me.
Oh. Sorry. It's probably a mite.
Or as you might say it
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
You speak
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
Yeah, of course I do.
It's one of the most beautiful
languages in the universe.
She is perfect in every way.
I have a strange desire to smell her.
That would be weird.
I bet she smells like a feather pillow
locked in a hot car.
[SNIFFING]
Can I talk to you for a minute?
[GASPS]
Me?
All right.
This this is for you.
[SPITS]
Thank you.
Oh.
[GRUNTS]
What the hell were you doing?
I don't know. My knees are weak,
and my palms are sweating.
I know what this is.
I have seen this in human movies.
I am in love.
What? No, you just met her.
I love I love her.
- Shh.
- I cannot help it.
I feel l-love for her.
It's it's like how I feel
love for you, Asta,
but it is different.
It is not just in my
head or in my heart,
but it is in my pants.
Oh.
Is that why they call it "in love"
because it is in your pants?
Harry? You coming back?
- My legs.
- [BODY THUDS]
[SIGHS] Okay.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
- Dr. Beasley?
- Who are you?
We want to talk to you about
the alien tracker, Peter Bach.
Peter Bach is dead.
We know that.
We believe he was murdered.
♪
I miss her.
Do do you think she misses me?
I-I-I realize that
your first crush is
- [SQUEALS]
- uh, everything.
But but we are trying
to save the world,
you and me, you know?
A-and you can't be distracted
by a relationship right now.
My heart
It sweats.
Huh?
What heat remains in my chest.
And poetry.
You are a light in the blackout.
Oh, boy.
I'd like to touch you
where the eggs pop out.
Yeah.
- It's titled "Bird Boner."
- [DOOR OPENS]
♪
Why don't you take a seat?
Standing there, it's making
me uncomfortable.
We're here because we found
your fingerprints in Peter's van.
You have the van? Where is it?
Why is the van important?
It it doesn't matter.
You won't believe me.
And if you do, they'll get to you,
and they will tell you that I'm crazy.
But I know what I saw,
and I know what happened to my husband,
and it wasn't a goddamn gas leak,
and it wasn't made by humans.
I see you.
[SCOFFS]
You think that I don't know that look?
You need to leave.
Um, I saw a UFO
when I was a kid.
Everyone said I made
it up for attention.
And Peter was the only one
who has ever believed me.
I need to find out
what happened, please.
Peter trusted me. So can you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Do you have the key?
- The van key?
I got it right here.
♪
If Peter trusted you,
he would have given you the key.
♪
Get out.
♪
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Let me guess still filling
out your college application?
- These essays are stupid.
- [CHUCKLES]
Look, I don't even want to go,
but my mom thinks college
will give me options, so
Ah, options are good.
I didn't have many.
I ended up living with
my dad till my 30s.
Yeah. And that's why I'm still single.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
"How has your family
history shaped your life?"
That's fun.
I'm adopted.
Hmm.
- Right.
- Yeah. And so are you.
So I don't know my family
because you don't know your family.
So, apparently, only people
with enormous family trees
get to go to college.
The system is corrupt.
- I can't be a part of it.
- You're a part of our family.
Yeah, but I'm not,
like, a blood relative.
So it's it's not really
the same thing.
Have you taken her to the rez yet?
Not yet.
It's settled.
You're coming to Drew's party.
Time to meet your whole family.
You wanted a family tree,
you got yourself a whole forest.
This model of the Yellowstone caldera
will help me figure out the Greys' plan.
I have to present my findings
to the general tomorrow,
and I still do not know
why the Greys want to
blow up the super volcano.
If I can find the answer,
I bet it will impress Heather.
I wonder if her feathers are soft.
Oh, shit, I did it again!
This is what Asta was talking about.
Even thinking about her
is interrupting my work.
Maybe if I call Heather and
hear her voice, it will help,
like when I am hungry and
eat just one potato chip.
Yeah.
[LINE TRILLING]
Hello, Harry.
[STAMMERS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Aah!
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Nope, nope, nope.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
Uh, Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle speaking.
It's Heather. You just called me.
Nope. Nope, I'm
You called me.
Because you called me.
It's fine. I was going
to call you anyway.
You were?
I mean [GRUNTS GOOFILY]
What about?
I found this hole with a little
bump in it on my stomach,
and I've never been nude in human form
long enough to notice it.
What is it for?
The reason is gross.
I threw up when I found out.
Humans grow babies
inside of their bodies.
Oh.
And then they come out of that bump?
No. Although, the reality
is not much better.
Okay. I'm going to hang up.
I want to go back to exploring
every single inch of my body.
I will never be able to work again.
My knees.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
Elliot, hi.
Hi.
Laundry day.
Fun times, yeah.
- Uh, how are you doing?
- I'm good.
It's good to see you.
Hi.
This is Natalie.
Natalie, this is D'Arcy.
- Hey.
- Oh, you're D'Arcy. Hi.
Oh, you're Natalie. Of course.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
- How have you been?
- Oh, I've been great.
So good.
Yeah, I've been doing stuff, big stuff.
This morning I had a crazy thing
happen before laundry
where I did this huge thing.
I can't tell you what it is,
but pretty major.
Um, kind of top secret, but
I'd say, without me,
the world would be over.
Lots of people saved.
Banana was involved.
Okay, well, it was nice meeting you,
- but we should probably go.
- Yeah, I got to go too.
Got to fold this stuff, so
♪
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
Therefore, the Greys will harness
the intense natural
power of the caldera
not unlike the intense
natural power of love.
Oh, so intense and strong,
and you can't let it get away
just like you cannot let the
the Greys get away
with setting off a super
super volcano
and destroying, uh,
all humanity on Earth.
Boom.
How does an alien species
dig an underground cavern
in the middle of a national
park for 80 years
and we don't know about it?
I can take that one.
Humans are stupid.
How do we know this alien isn't
working with the other aliens?
How do I know this general isn't
working with the other generals?
I am working with the other generals.
- He admits it!
- Stop.
He's one of the most intelligent
beings on this planet.
We need his help to find a solution
to what might be the biggest
problem humans will ever face.
That problem is, how do you
get them to love you back?
Let's toss that around.
There's no wrong answers.
I was talking about the swarm
of Grey hybrids at Yellowstone.
Oh, okay.
We'll do the love thing next.
I recommend full assault
shockwave tasers, mass electrocution.
Oh, that's a terrible idea.
If you attack the hybrids,
then the Greys will just
freeze your soldiers
and kill them all.
You can't sit and do nothing.
Because love will go away.
Thank you. That is one vote
for saying "I love you."
He was talking about the Greys.
Oh, I need time to figure out the plan.
You have one week.
Then we're moving in.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
ALL: Hey!
- Mark, Dan.
- Hey.
- Asta.
- Hi.
- And Jay, right?
- Yeah.
Jay, these are all your relations.
This is your second cousin,
- Sampson and Will.
- Good to meet you.
- Hi.
- Your cousin Peter.
- Kayla's sister Rachel.
- Hi.
- Auntie Mena.
- Hi.
Auntie Louise and Grandma Ruth.
And the happy couple, Drew and Manuel.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks. It's really nice
to meet all of you.
I think I might need to go over
the names once or twice.
My girl, let's go get you
some buffalo stew.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
♪
Oh, so handsome.
- Thank you.
- Look at this nice bling.
Don't be jealous just because
you don't got a medallion yet.
Wait, what about, um,
your short king, Harry?
- [GASPS] Where's your boyfriend Harry?
- Stop. No.
- Stop it. Oh, hey. Hey.
- Where's boyfriend Harry?
I heard it was a tractor.
Nuh-uh. I heard it was a helicopter.
Dewey said it was a monster truck.
What are we talking about?
Trying to guess what Liv and that
sheriff have hidden on the rez.
What?
They're all wrong. It's a van.
They're trying to get fingerprints.
Interesting, a van.
Where exactly?
[DOGS BARKING]
You saw Dr. Beasley when
you mentioned the van?
We might not have the key,
but there has to be
something we missed
like a keyhole?
I may not trust the forest doctor,
but I do trust your instincts, Deputy,
and something's definitely
off with this van.
What do you see?
Well, this is a 255-horsepower,
5.4-liter V-8 E350 cargo van, right?
My buddy Roger, he's
got this exact model.
Everything in here is standard
except for this flooring.
See, this is aftermarket black
PVC thermoplastic lining, right?
Now, I think we need
to get this lining out.
We gonna find what we're looking for.
So I'm going to need a few things.
I'm going to need a crowbar.
We need a half gallon of muriatic acid.
I'm going to need, like,
nine strips of firecrackers,
the little ones, though, not the M80s.
Although I will need 16 of those.
Found it.
Well, well, well, we
got ourselves a keyhole.
Huh.
Once again, I have
followed your instincts
and led us to victory.
Okay.
Mm.
If I have learned one thing
from meeting with the generals,
it is that mating is like war.
You cannot sit around and wait.
You have to take action.
Do it.
She's the one in the jacket.
I think I know which one she is.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, God, wait, I changed my mind.
♪
What did she say?
She's looking over here.
♪
"Are there any doctors in town
"you like more than a friend?
Circle yes, no, maybe."
Did she say anything?
You got to tell me everything.
Oh, she's com she's
coming. Go, go, go.
♪
Harry, hey.
Um, I'm really flattered.
It worked.
But, uh, you can't have feelings for me.
Your species has no emotions.
I do. I-it's the human in me.
You ate a human?
No. [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]
I mean, the DNA.
Got it.
Because I was going to ask
you how they, you know
- Taste?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Probably like chick like, uh
- You were going to say "chicken" just now.
- I wasn't, no.
Uh, you were.
I was going to say "ChapStick."
It's a tasty stick of wax.
Oh, I know. I've eaten
quite a few of them.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah.
- You're great.
- Thank you.
Your kind is usually so cold,
and you are so different.
[CHUCKLES] You're a
lot a lot different.
[SOFT MUSIC]
It's just I'm only hanging out
here until the portal is fixed.
So what would be the point,
as they say? [CHUCKLES]
So let's just be friends.
♪
I understand.
- Yes, let's just be friends.
- Okay.
So you're circling no?
[GASPING]
I would love to circle "yes,"
but it's not that's not feasible.
[SCOFFS]
Right.
[LAUGHING]
Friends.
♪
Yeah.
That's really all I want
is friendship.
Great.
I want to die.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thanks for showing us so much love.
All right, this next tune is
going out to our happy couple,
Drew and Manuel.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
♪
Long time ago, we had some dough ♪
Needed to unwind ♪
Looking for trouble,
looking for fun ♪
Harry, I have called you five times.
Where are you?
Mike and Liv have been stashing
the alien tracker van on the rez.
Who knows if there's any
traces of your DNA in there?
[SIGHS]
You need to call me back.
Bye.
Don't tell Drew, but I think
Grams has a new favorite.
I always knew they'd get along.
[SIGHS]
What? What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing. I'm I'm so happy she's here.
I just I wish when I was 16,
I could have looked
ahead and seen all this,
and then I would have known
that if I had held on to her,
everything would have been all right.
That 16-year-old gave up the
most precious thing in her life.
I can't imagine how that must have hurt.
But you did it because you knew
with everything going on
in your life at that time that
it was the best thing for Jay.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Right.
♪
Come on.
- You want to dance?
- Oh, I do.
[CHUCKLES]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Hi.
♪
Hey, baby ♪
♪
My baby ♪
♪
Where are you tonight? ♪
♪
Hey, baby ♪
♪
My baby ♪
Oh.
Where are you tonight? ♪
Oh.
♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
I told you not to look at that.
Whoops, that's not my checkbook.
How much did you see?
Only the scary parts.
There are no scary parts.
It's a children's book.
Hey, what's this?
- Oh, no, Max, don't.
- [SCREAMS]
- Hmm.
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
No.
♪
We have a problem.
Anders just walked off
the Darling Project.
He said the results you
want are impossible.
Get someone else.
There is no one else
who's done this before.
♪
Yes, there is.
Cobra up.
Nice and easy.
Head up to the sky.
Breathe, take your time.
When you're ready to go down,
push your hips up to the sky,
strain your back, and hold the pose.
Hi.
♪
I'm retired.
You retired me.
What if I say no?
I don't know. Let's find out.
That would be fun.
♪
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
If we run out of magnets,
I got some more office
supplies from Amazon Prime.
The Transformer?
What?
You know, Optimus Prime's wife.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Uh, no, that's, um, not what I meant.
Also, just curious, how would I,
like, even meet a Transformer
to get a box of magnets from them?
Could be anyplace the gym,
maybe an auto-body shop.
Hey, look, check out these schematics.
It appears that your
instincts were dead-on.
Look at that.
Wow. There's room for
a hidden compartment
near the cross-shaped indent.
Now we just have to
figure out how to open it.
Damn, that's a high-quality magnet.
Probably fit, like, three of these
pictures to Fred's metal hip
with one of these bad boys.
Oh.
♪
Where did you find this magnet?
I found it stuck to the desk.
What desk?
♪
Wait, what's that?
♪
Bingo.
♪
What's he doing?
♪
He just put that phone in his pocket.
He's reading Robert's diary.
Is there anything important in that?
The therapist's name.
Sheriff, the therapist died
a day after Joseph saw that diary.
So, if he came here to spy on us,
he could still be doing it.
Dr. Beasley.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
We're too late.
[WHIRRING AND HISSING]
Oh.
Yeah, this thing's on its last legs.
Well, I don't care how many legs it has.
Just how long to fix it,
and can you make it longer?
Brought you pretzels.
Well, I found them in the Jeep,
but I brought them inside, so
Is that a human?
That is not cool, man. She can't see me.
This is going to go on my record.
That is just her human form.
She is a slug species
from the Earendel system.
Thanks for that.
Now, you see your first
alien, mind-blowing.
And then after that,
it's kind of like, meh.
Why are you here?
I need to check on where we're at
with the whole "saving the world" thing.
We are not at anywhere.
I am building a model
of the Yellowstone caldera
to figure out what the Greys' plan is
to slaughter all of the human race.
But I ran out of glitter.
- Oh, you made the snow all sparkly.
- [CHUCKLES]
Need some trees. Can I add some?
You are already doing it.
Question for you
you're an alien here to save
the world, blah, blah, blah.
Does it ever bother you that
you can't tell anybody about it?
It was hard at first, but then
Asta found out.
And it was easier because
I was no longer alone.
See, that's what I mean.
I saw Elliot today.
He has a girlfriend now,
which kind of made me feel like shit.
Why are you telling me this?
I don't know, because you're an alien.
I figure you can't judge me.
It's like talking to a dog.
Anyway, if I could tell
Elliot what I was doing,
you know, then I'd have something too.
If you do something special
and nobody knows about it,
are you still special?
[SOFT MUSIC]
So who's Elliot?
You guys done or what?
Go away.
Also
Elliott is happy.
And I was actually happy
to see him happy.
If you were happy that he was happy,
then why is your face all mopey
and your voice is like wet underwear?
Because if I want him happy,
even if he didn't want me,
then that means that
♪
I love him, and
I ruined something real.
♪
Are we really not going to talk
about Mom's murder story?
It's not [GRUNTS SOFTLY]
God forbid I write a sweet
little children's book.
There are worms coming out
of the dead mouse's stomach.
- Those are entrails.
- Ugh.
I am done with dinner.
Hon, Max is right. Maybe
we need to talk about it.
- Go ahead, Max.
- What?
No way am I going first.
Okay. Well, I think we
were both just expecting
something a little more
cute and and upbeat
for a children's book.
It's a beautiful story
about a mother feeding
and protecting her babies.
Objectively, if you were
in your classroom
and you saw a student drawing this
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Would you maybe call
their parents in to talk?
Oh, my God, what is happening to me?
I can't get these owls out of my head.
I saw a movie once where
a person saw an owl,
and it meant they were
being abducted by aliens.
Does your butt hurt?
Okay, that's not really dinner talk.
And we have been over this
there's no such thing as aliens, okay?
♪
[LAUGHTER]
Getting the band back together
man, we haven't dusted
up like that since
the Gathering of Nations.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Hey, Dad, I think I did a bad thing.
Harry's in love with this alien bird.
And so I told him not to pursue it.
I told him that he should
focus on saving the world,
but I don't think that's why I did it.
Someone feeling a little jealous?
No.
Well, not romantically anyway.
But
maybe, yeah.
I mean, it was always just me and Harry.
He needed me.
And now he's not even
answering my phone calls.
You know how much you mean to him.
I know.
Being there today,
seeing all those people,
surrounded by all that love
[SIGHS] It just made me realize
he should get to have that too.
[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]
- Hey.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for
bringing me to the rez.
It was a lot, but I loved it.
Also, my mom and I kind of
got into a bit of a fight,
so I was wondering if maybe I could
crash with you for a few days.
Before you say no, just think
about it, okay? It could be fun.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, um, I've got to
go, but think about it.
All right. I'll talk to you soon.
O-okay.
There are many terrifying
things in the world,
but the most terrifying thing is love.
-
- [SARAH JAROSZ'S "HOUSE OF MERCY"]
-
- In the middle of the night again ♪
-
- Still water, and the birds don't sing ♪
It attacks you like a thing with claws.
Medicating for the
trouble that's coming ♪
♪
This house wasn't made for strangers ♪
But you come knocking anyway ♪
I can hear you knocking on the door ♪
I won't leave it
open for you anymore ♪
Love opens you up, and there you are.
Knocking on the door
of the house of mercy ♪
♪
Don't try to change my mind ♪
And you don't even try to stop it.
You let it feed.
♪
Don't try to wear me down ♪
Because real love makes you want
the person you love to be okay
♪
Even if you are not.
♪
[WINGS FLAPPING]
[COOING]
Heather?
[COOING]
[GASPS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[GROWLS PLAYFULLY]
♪
Son of a bitch.
[DOOR OPENS]
♪
[COOING]
♪
[MUSIC TURNS SINISTER]
♪
Tell me about when you worked
for DARPA's autonomous robotics program.
[DOOR CLOSES]
The VA would donate soldiers
who were in a vegetative state to DARPA.
Instead of pulling the plug,
we kept them alive and ran experiments.
- I quit that job.
- [DEVICE BEEPS, LOCK CLICKS]
I still have nightmares.
♪
Nope.
No way in hell am I
putting that thing on.
It's not for you.
♪
It's for him.
♪
Who better to fight aliens
than someone who can see aliens?
♪
Previously on "Resident Alien"
There are Grey-human
hybrids all over the Earth.
That's the man who shot
Peter Bach and my guards.
We need to find out what
the Greys are up to.
The Greys' cavern is here.
If they've connected it
to the magma chamber,
the pressure would turn
Yellowstone National Park
into the most destructive natural bomb
in the history of the world.
- So how long till it blows up?
- Maybe a year.
You broke galactic law.
You are hereby ordered to
leave Earth immediately.
Son of a bitch.
That right there is a fingerprint.
"Dr. Wendy Beasley,
retired military chemist."
We did it! We got a match!
No, I chose last time.
I want to go where you want to go.
- Uh-huh.
- Really.
-
- Okay. Well, how about Antonio's?
You think? The pasta?
Okay, well, if you were me,
what would you want to eat?
Well, you always like Mexican.
I do, don't I?
Mm-hmm.
Mount Taco it is.
Mount Taco.
- Have fun in the lab.
- Okay.
[DEVICE BEEPS, LOCK CLICKS]
Dr. Wendy Beasley,
please come to Lab 209.
Dr. Wendy Beasley, please come
- [EXPLOSION]
- Aah!
[ALARM BLARING]
Gary?
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Open the door!
Somebody open the door! Please.
- Help!
- Gary. Gary. Gary.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Gary!
No, no, no!
Gary!
[BROWN BIRD'S "BILGEWATER"]
[LAID-BACK ACOUSTIC STRUMMING]
They can't just make you leave Earth.
We will fight this summons.
You do not understand.
The Galactic Federation has referred
this to the Housing Council.
I-it is over.
Harry, you can't just give up.
We need you here, okay?
I don't give a shit about
this Housing Council.
- No.
- Mm!
You cannot talk that way
about Housing Council.
It is very dangerous.
[MUFFLED SPEECH]
Sorry, I didn't catch that.
I can translate. It's mostly
about losing a hand.
- Oh.
- Good choice.
What are you doing with those?
Putting them where all eviction
notices go the fire.
Oh, those those will not burn.
They're not paper.
- [SNIFFS] What is it?
- Moldar skin.
Gross.
- I'm vegan now.
- Moldar skin is not gross.
Moldar-skin hats are the best hats.
Moldar skin try and rip it.
You cannot. [CHUCKLES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
The processor is coming.
Try not to be distracted
by her pretty face.
Pubescent aliens hang holograms
of Blue Avians above their bed.
I did.
♪
Oh. [CLUCKING]
You are a bird.
No, no! Damn it!
Stupid portal.
Sucks I-I'm supposed to appear
as the life forms of my destination.
Now I'm breaking galactic
law. Great. [SCOFFS]
You do not need to appear as a human.
You are perfect the way you are.
Thanks, but this thing has been touchy
ever since some idiot from probate
tried to sneak fruit through it.
Why can't you take fruit?
That's the question
you're asking right now?
Look, just give me the
signed papers, okay?
And then the Housing
Council is going to come,
and they're going to
collect you for eviction.
You smell woodsy. I will sign them.
- Please, Mrs. Bird
- Oh, no.
Don't come at me with "Mrs. Bird."
- My Earth name is Heather.
- Oh, rhymes with feather.
Yeah. It does.
Wish someone had told me
that when I picked it.
Heather, Harry is here
to save our planet.
So, if you could just look
the other way on this one
You know I get paid by the job, right?
And how would I know that?
Well, look, if you want the papers,
they're over there on the floor.
- [SCOFFS]
- Okay.
Don't worry, I'll grab them.
I'll just pick them off the
floor like a friggin' pigeon.
♪
- [GASPS]
- Oh, no, no, no!
- Oh, no!
- BOTH: Oh.
- Terrible news.
- No!
Yeah, I can tell you two are
really, really upset about it,
but this sucks for me, okay?
Because now I have to
call the repair guy,
and he's going to take forever.
And then he's going to
have to order parts,
which will take forever.
And so, basically, I'm stuck
on the shittiest planet
in the galaxy.
No offense
I see your mouths are agape at
me saying "shittiest planet."
Sorry.
I need to use the bathroom.
Uh, do we put down a
newspaper or something?
It's to change, you dick.
It is down the hall on your right.
I hope I put the seat down.
I just saved the world with a banana.
- How was your day?
- Yeah, you did.
It was the best one.
It was the perfect amount of ripe.
So, question
um, can any of you recommend
a hotel around here?
Something mid-range, preferably
where you can earn miles?
Huh. I see Heather now.
Hey.
- You're up early.
- Yeah.
Still can't sleep.
Up half the night feeling terrified,
- and I don't know why.
- Oh.
But I was thinking,
sometimes you're stressed.
All the time.
- A lot of the time.
- Every day.
But not when you're making candles
because you have a creative outlet.
And I haven't picked up my
sketchbook in a while, I know,
but I think I'm going to
do a children's book.
Oh, that's a great idea.
You know, when I was a kid,
I always wanted a book with a
baby elephant and a monkey.
- Oh, that's sweet.
- Yeah.
- This isn't that.
- Got it.
Well, can I see?
Eh I-I think I'd rather
just wait till it's finished.
Okay. Say no more.
Mm-hmm.
But if there is a baby elephant
- There's not.
- Two words sailor's cap.
Think about it.
Now, why would a
well-respected military chemist
end up living way out here
like some kind of
creepy-ass fairy-tale witch?
They say she kind of lost it
after she saw her husband die
- in a lab accident.
- A lab accident?
You saying we could be
facing a super villain?
Um, no, I was not.
Okay, 'cause I can't be
facing a super villain,
not while I'm trying to figure out
what happened to my best deputy.
Now, tell me again what you saw
when you went by
Joseph's house, exactly.
Okay, we're definitely going to
get back to the best-deputy part.
I told you, it was empty.
He's gone.
Isn't that suspicious?
He's army recon. He wouldn't just quit.
What's even more suspicious is,
right when we're looking
for another deputy,
the perfect candidate just shows up.
That's how it works for handsome people.
Happens to me all the time.
Every job I ever got didn't
even exist until I wanted it.
The job of sheriff existed
before you had it, sir.
Yeah, but it was the
day I said to myself,
it'd be nice to be sheriff,
that old Sheriff Hawthorne up and died.
Now, did I kill him? Maybe.
Luckily, you can't be arrested
for your thoughts yet.
But I'm working on it.
What if we fake Harry's death?
Can't get evicted if you're dead.
I have no choice but to leave Earth.
We have been brainstorming all morning.
The storm has stopped,
and now there is just mud.
Hey, guys. Asta, I'm going to see
you at Drew's party tomorrow?
Yes. Of course I'll be there.
Is that a pie? I need it for my trip.
It is a pie, but it's not for you.
- It's for my paralegal.
- Oh.
Hey, hypothetically, say your
friend was getting evicted
Is this the same friend as last time?
By the way, you still owe me $200.
Uh, without names,
say you wanted to stop
the hypothetical eviction.
My first piece of legal advice would be
not to co-sign a lease with this one.
- Okay. I just Can we
- Noted.
But for your other friend,
I would say maybe just wait it out
or possibly countersue.
What are you doing?
It was like that.
You're countersuing?
[SCOFFS]
Do you even realize how
much paperwork that is?
Guess I can say goodbye to my
timeshare on Lesser Antares.
Oh, I am sorry.
- Lesser Antares is very pretty.
- Yeah.
I have Moldar-skin pants from there.
Me too.
They're so durable.
You ever try ripping them in half?
BOTH: You cannot ♪
[GASPS, LAUGHING]
Hey, no one's ever taken on
the Housing Council before.
What's going on with you?
You some kind of bad boy or something?
Yep, I'm a bad boy.
♪
Oh.
I don't care about it.
I'm not even a real doctor.
Ooh, that is bad.
I killed a man.
You what?
He was evil.
[STAMMERS] I saw him kick a seagull.
- Oh.
- And stole its French fry.
Uh-uh.
So I killed him.
[CHUCKLES]
It's nice to talk to a-another alien.
If you are going to be
in Patience for a while,
maybe I could show you around town.
- We have a pizza place!
- I don't like pizza.
Oh, I hate pizza. We are the same.
Thanks, but I think I'm just going
to head back to the hotel.
My back has been killing
me for some reason.
It is the human bed so primitive.
I miss my Trixian saliva bed.
Wait, you're kidding me?
I didn't know you could still get those.
Bad boys can.
I could look at you in the
exam room, help your back.
We could talk about spit blankets.
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Nurse, uh, make Heather
more comfortable.
Get get get a
blanket and spit on it.
I will get her a blanket,
but I am not doing that.
I am sorry for the primitive
nature of Earth medicine.
This is how they listen to your heart.
Why not get two soup cans
and connect them with string?
[LAUGHS] Oh.
Oh, uh I can hear that you are dying.
[LAUGHTER]
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
Uh, please remove your jacket.
♪
[GASPS]
Everything okay back there?
Is she electric?
I am buzzing, and my knees are melting.
[BODY THUDS]
I fell.
I was Something bit me.
Oh. Sorry. It's probably a mite.
Or as you might say it
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
You speak
[SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE]
Yeah, of course I do.
It's one of the most beautiful
languages in the universe.
She is perfect in every way.
I have a strange desire to smell her.
That would be weird.
I bet she smells like a feather pillow
locked in a hot car.
[SNIFFING]
Can I talk to you for a minute?
[GASPS]
Me?
All right.
This this is for you.
[SPITS]
Thank you.
Oh.
[GRUNTS]
What the hell were you doing?
I don't know. My knees are weak,
and my palms are sweating.
I know what this is.
I have seen this in human movies.
I am in love.
What? No, you just met her.
I love I love her.
- Shh.
- I cannot help it.
I feel l-love for her.
It's it's like how I feel
love for you, Asta,
but it is different.
It is not just in my
head or in my heart,
but it is in my pants.
Oh.
Is that why they call it "in love"
because it is in your pants?
Harry? You coming back?
- My legs.
- [BODY THUDS]
[SIGHS] Okay.
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
- Dr. Beasley?
- Who are you?
We want to talk to you about
the alien tracker, Peter Bach.
Peter Bach is dead.
We know that.
We believe he was murdered.
♪
I miss her.
Do do you think she misses me?
I-I-I realize that
your first crush is
- [SQUEALS]
- uh, everything.
But but we are trying
to save the world,
you and me, you know?
A-and you can't be distracted
by a relationship right now.
My heart
It sweats.
Huh?
What heat remains in my chest.
And poetry.
You are a light in the blackout.
Oh, boy.
I'd like to touch you
where the eggs pop out.
Yeah.
- It's titled "Bird Boner."
- [DOOR OPENS]
♪
Why don't you take a seat?
Standing there, it's making
me uncomfortable.
We're here because we found
your fingerprints in Peter's van.
You have the van? Where is it?
Why is the van important?
It it doesn't matter.
You won't believe me.
And if you do, they'll get to you,
and they will tell you that I'm crazy.
But I know what I saw,
and I know what happened to my husband,
and it wasn't a goddamn gas leak,
and it wasn't made by humans.
I see you.
[SCOFFS]
You think that I don't know that look?
You need to leave.
Um, I saw a UFO
when I was a kid.
Everyone said I made
it up for attention.
And Peter was the only one
who has ever believed me.
I need to find out
what happened, please.
Peter trusted me. So can you.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Do you have the key?
- The van key?
I got it right here.
♪
If Peter trusted you,
he would have given you the key.
♪
Get out.
♪
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Let me guess still filling
out your college application?
- These essays are stupid.
- [CHUCKLES]
Look, I don't even want to go,
but my mom thinks college
will give me options, so
Ah, options are good.
I didn't have many.
I ended up living with
my dad till my 30s.
Yeah. And that's why I'm still single.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
"How has your family
history shaped your life?"
That's fun.
I'm adopted.
Hmm.
- Right.
- Yeah. And so are you.
So I don't know my family
because you don't know your family.
So, apparently, only people
with enormous family trees
get to go to college.
The system is corrupt.
- I can't be a part of it.
- You're a part of our family.
Yeah, but I'm not,
like, a blood relative.
So it's it's not really
the same thing.
Have you taken her to the rez yet?
Not yet.
It's settled.
You're coming to Drew's party.
Time to meet your whole family.
You wanted a family tree,
you got yourself a whole forest.
This model of the Yellowstone caldera
will help me figure out the Greys' plan.
I have to present my findings
to the general tomorrow,
and I still do not know
why the Greys want to
blow up the super volcano.
If I can find the answer,
I bet it will impress Heather.
I wonder if her feathers are soft.
Oh, shit, I did it again!
This is what Asta was talking about.
Even thinking about her
is interrupting my work.
Maybe if I call Heather and
hear her voice, it will help,
like when I am hungry and
eat just one potato chip.
Yeah.
[LINE TRILLING]
Hello, Harry.
[STAMMERS]
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Aah!
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
Nope, nope, nope.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC]
Uh, Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle speaking.
It's Heather. You just called me.
Nope. Nope, I'm
You called me.
Because you called me.
It's fine. I was going
to call you anyway.
You were?
I mean [GRUNTS GOOFILY]
What about?
I found this hole with a little
bump in it on my stomach,
and I've never been nude in human form
long enough to notice it.
What is it for?
The reason is gross.
I threw up when I found out.
Humans grow babies
inside of their bodies.
Oh.
And then they come out of that bump?
No. Although, the reality
is not much better.
Okay. I'm going to hang up.
I want to go back to exploring
every single inch of my body.
I will never be able to work again.
My knees.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[LIGHT MUSIC]
♪
Elliot, hi.
Hi.
Laundry day.
Fun times, yeah.
- Uh, how are you doing?
- I'm good.
It's good to see you.
Hi.
This is Natalie.
Natalie, this is D'Arcy.
- Hey.
- Oh, you're D'Arcy. Hi.
Oh, you're Natalie. Of course.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
- How have you been?
- Oh, I've been great.
So good.
Yeah, I've been doing stuff, big stuff.
This morning I had a crazy thing
happen before laundry
where I did this huge thing.
I can't tell you what it is,
but pretty major.
Um, kind of top secret, but
I'd say, without me,
the world would be over.
Lots of people saved.
Banana was involved.
Okay, well, it was nice meeting you,
- but we should probably go.
- Yeah, I got to go too.
Got to fold this stuff, so
♪
[MUFFLED SCREAM]
Therefore, the Greys will harness
the intense natural
power of the caldera
not unlike the intense
natural power of love.
Oh, so intense and strong,
and you can't let it get away
just like you cannot let the
the Greys get away
with setting off a super
super volcano
and destroying, uh,
all humanity on Earth.
Boom.
How does an alien species
dig an underground cavern
in the middle of a national
park for 80 years
and we don't know about it?
I can take that one.
Humans are stupid.
How do we know this alien isn't
working with the other aliens?
How do I know this general isn't
working with the other generals?
I am working with the other generals.
- He admits it!
- Stop.
He's one of the most intelligent
beings on this planet.
We need his help to find a solution
to what might be the biggest
problem humans will ever face.
That problem is, how do you
get them to love you back?
Let's toss that around.
There's no wrong answers.
I was talking about the swarm
of Grey hybrids at Yellowstone.
Oh, okay.
We'll do the love thing next.
I recommend full assault
shockwave tasers, mass electrocution.
Oh, that's a terrible idea.
If you attack the hybrids,
then the Greys will just
freeze your soldiers
and kill them all.
You can't sit and do nothing.
Because love will go away.
Thank you. That is one vote
for saying "I love you."
He was talking about the Greys.
Oh, I need time to figure out the plan.
You have one week.
Then we're moving in.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
ALL: Hey!
- Mark, Dan.
- Hey.
- Asta.
- Hi.
- And Jay, right?
- Yeah.
Jay, these are all your relations.
This is your second cousin,
- Sampson and Will.
- Good to meet you.
- Hi.
- Your cousin Peter.
- Kayla's sister Rachel.
- Hi.
- Auntie Mena.
- Hi.
Auntie Louise and Grandma Ruth.
And the happy couple, Drew and Manuel.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks. It's really nice
to meet all of you.
I think I might need to go over
the names once or twice.
My girl, let's go get you
some buffalo stew.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
♪
Oh, so handsome.
- Thank you.
- Look at this nice bling.
Don't be jealous just because
you don't got a medallion yet.
Wait, what about, um,
your short king, Harry?
- [GASPS] Where's your boyfriend Harry?
- Stop. No.
- Stop it. Oh, hey. Hey.
- Where's boyfriend Harry?
I heard it was a tractor.
Nuh-uh. I heard it was a helicopter.
Dewey said it was a monster truck.
What are we talking about?
Trying to guess what Liv and that
sheriff have hidden on the rez.
What?
They're all wrong. It's a van.
They're trying to get fingerprints.
Interesting, a van.
Where exactly?
[DOGS BARKING]
You saw Dr. Beasley when
you mentioned the van?
We might not have the key,
but there has to be
something we missed
like a keyhole?
I may not trust the forest doctor,
but I do trust your instincts, Deputy,
and something's definitely
off with this van.
What do you see?
Well, this is a 255-horsepower,
5.4-liter V-8 E350 cargo van, right?
My buddy Roger, he's
got this exact model.
Everything in here is standard
except for this flooring.
See, this is aftermarket black
PVC thermoplastic lining, right?
Now, I think we need
to get this lining out.
We gonna find what we're looking for.
So I'm going to need a few things.
I'm going to need a crowbar.
We need a half gallon of muriatic acid.
I'm going to need, like,
nine strips of firecrackers,
the little ones, though, not the M80s.
Although I will need 16 of those.
Found it.
Well, well, well, we
got ourselves a keyhole.
Huh.
Once again, I have
followed your instincts
and led us to victory.
Okay.
Mm.
If I have learned one thing
from meeting with the generals,
it is that mating is like war.
You cannot sit around and wait.
You have to take action.
Do it.
She's the one in the jacket.
I think I know which one she is.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, God, wait, I changed my mind.
♪
What did she say?
She's looking over here.
♪
"Are there any doctors in town
"you like more than a friend?
Circle yes, no, maybe."
Did she say anything?
You got to tell me everything.
Oh, she's com she's
coming. Go, go, go.
♪
Harry, hey.
Um, I'm really flattered.
It worked.
But, uh, you can't have feelings for me.
Your species has no emotions.
I do. I-it's the human in me.
You ate a human?
No. [STAMMERS, CHUCKLES]
I mean, the DNA.
Got it.
Because I was going to ask
you how they, you know
- Taste?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Probably like chick like, uh
- You were going to say "chicken" just now.
- I wasn't, no.
Uh, you were.
I was going to say "ChapStick."
It's a tasty stick of wax.
Oh, I know. I've eaten
quite a few of them.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Yeah.
- You're great.
- Thank you.
Your kind is usually so cold,
and you are so different.
[CHUCKLES] You're a
lot a lot different.
[SOFT MUSIC]
It's just I'm only hanging out
here until the portal is fixed.
So what would be the point,
as they say? [CHUCKLES]
So let's just be friends.
♪
I understand.
- Yes, let's just be friends.
- Okay.
So you're circling no?
[GASPING]
I would love to circle "yes,"
but it's not that's not feasible.
[SCOFFS]
Right.
[LAUGHING]
Friends.
♪
Yeah.
That's really all I want
is friendship.
Great.
I want to die.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thanks for showing us so much love.
All right, this next tune is
going out to our happy couple,
Drew and Manuel.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Thank you.
♪
Long time ago, we had some dough ♪
Needed to unwind ♪
Looking for trouble,
looking for fun ♪
Harry, I have called you five times.
Where are you?
Mike and Liv have been stashing
the alien tracker van on the rez.
Who knows if there's any
traces of your DNA in there?
[SIGHS]
You need to call me back.
Bye.
Don't tell Drew, but I think
Grams has a new favorite.
I always knew they'd get along.
[SIGHS]
What? What's wrong?
Nothing.
Nothing. I'm I'm so happy she's here.
I just I wish when I was 16,
I could have looked
ahead and seen all this,
and then I would have known
that if I had held on to her,
everything would have been all right.
That 16-year-old gave up the
most precious thing in her life.
I can't imagine how that must have hurt.
But you did it because you knew
with everything going on
in your life at that time that
it was the best thing for Jay.
[INHALES DEEPLY] Right.
♪
Come on.
- You want to dance?
- Oh, I do.
[CHUCKLES]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
Hi.
♪
Hey, baby ♪
♪
My baby ♪
♪
Where are you tonight? ♪
♪
Hey, baby ♪
♪
My baby ♪
Oh.
Where are you tonight? ♪
Oh.
♪
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
I told you not to look at that.
Whoops, that's not my checkbook.
How much did you see?
Only the scary parts.
There are no scary parts.
It's a children's book.
Hey, what's this?
- Oh, no, Max, don't.
- [SCREAMS]
- Hmm.
- [RUNNING FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
No.
♪
We have a problem.
Anders just walked off
the Darling Project.
He said the results you
want are impossible.
Get someone else.
There is no one else
who's done this before.
♪
Yes, there is.
Cobra up.
Nice and easy.
Head up to the sky.
Breathe, take your time.
When you're ready to go down,
push your hips up to the sky,
strain your back, and hold the pose.
Hi.
♪
I'm retired.
You retired me.
What if I say no?
I don't know. Let's find out.
That would be fun.
♪
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]
♪
If we run out of magnets,
I got some more office
supplies from Amazon Prime.
The Transformer?
What?
You know, Optimus Prime's wife.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Uh, no, that's, um, not what I meant.
Also, just curious, how would I,
like, even meet a Transformer
to get a box of magnets from them?
Could be anyplace the gym,
maybe an auto-body shop.
Hey, look, check out these schematics.
It appears that your
instincts were dead-on.
Look at that.
Wow. There's room for
a hidden compartment
near the cross-shaped indent.
Now we just have to
figure out how to open it.
Damn, that's a high-quality magnet.
Probably fit, like, three of these
pictures to Fred's metal hip
with one of these bad boys.
Oh.
♪
Where did you find this magnet?
I found it stuck to the desk.
What desk?
♪
Wait, what's that?
♪
Bingo.
♪
What's he doing?
♪
He just put that phone in his pocket.
He's reading Robert's diary.
Is there anything important in that?
The therapist's name.
Sheriff, the therapist died
a day after Joseph saw that diary.
So, if he came here to spy on us,
he could still be doing it.
Dr. Beasley.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
We're too late.
[WHIRRING AND HISSING]
Oh.
Yeah, this thing's on its last legs.
Well, I don't care how many legs it has.
Just how long to fix it,
and can you make it longer?
Brought you pretzels.
Well, I found them in the Jeep,
but I brought them inside, so
Is that a human?
That is not cool, man. She can't see me.
This is going to go on my record.
That is just her human form.
She is a slug species
from the Earendel system.
Thanks for that.
Now, you see your first
alien, mind-blowing.
And then after that,
it's kind of like, meh.
Why are you here?
I need to check on where we're at
with the whole "saving the world" thing.
We are not at anywhere.
I am building a model
of the Yellowstone caldera
to figure out what the Greys' plan is
to slaughter all of the human race.
But I ran out of glitter.
- Oh, you made the snow all sparkly.
- [CHUCKLES]
Need some trees. Can I add some?
You are already doing it.
Question for you
you're an alien here to save
the world, blah, blah, blah.
Does it ever bother you that
you can't tell anybody about it?
It was hard at first, but then
Asta found out.
And it was easier because
I was no longer alone.
See, that's what I mean.
I saw Elliot today.
He has a girlfriend now,
which kind of made me feel like shit.
Why are you telling me this?
I don't know, because you're an alien.
I figure you can't judge me.
It's like talking to a dog.
Anyway, if I could tell
Elliot what I was doing,
you know, then I'd have something too.
If you do something special
and nobody knows about it,
are you still special?
[SOFT MUSIC]
So who's Elliot?
You guys done or what?
Go away.
Also
Elliott is happy.
And I was actually happy
to see him happy.
If you were happy that he was happy,
then why is your face all mopey
and your voice is like wet underwear?
Because if I want him happy,
even if he didn't want me,
then that means that
♪
I love him, and
I ruined something real.
♪
Are we really not going to talk
about Mom's murder story?
It's not [GRUNTS SOFTLY]
God forbid I write a sweet
little children's book.
There are worms coming out
of the dead mouse's stomach.
- Those are entrails.
- Ugh.
I am done with dinner.
Hon, Max is right. Maybe
we need to talk about it.
- Go ahead, Max.
- What?
No way am I going first.
Okay. Well, I think we
were both just expecting
something a little more
cute and and upbeat
for a children's book.
It's a beautiful story
about a mother feeding
and protecting her babies.
Objectively, if you were
in your classroom
and you saw a student drawing this
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Would you maybe call
their parents in to talk?
Oh, my God, what is happening to me?
I can't get these owls out of my head.
I saw a movie once where
a person saw an owl,
and it meant they were
being abducted by aliens.
Does your butt hurt?
Okay, that's not really dinner talk.
And we have been over this
there's no such thing as aliens, okay?
♪
[LAUGHTER]
Getting the band back together
man, we haven't dusted
up like that since
the Gathering of Nations.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Hey, Dad, I think I did a bad thing.
Harry's in love with this alien bird.
And so I told him not to pursue it.
I told him that he should
focus on saving the world,
but I don't think that's why I did it.
Someone feeling a little jealous?
No.
Well, not romantically anyway.
But
maybe, yeah.
I mean, it was always just me and Harry.
He needed me.
And now he's not even
answering my phone calls.
You know how much you mean to him.
I know.
Being there today,
seeing all those people,
surrounded by all that love
[SIGHS] It just made me realize
he should get to have that too.
[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]
- Hey.
- Hi.
Thank you so much for
bringing me to the rez.
It was a lot, but I loved it.
Also, my mom and I kind of
got into a bit of a fight,
so I was wondering if maybe I could
crash with you for a few days.
Before you say no, just think
about it, okay? It could be fun.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, um, I've got to
go, but think about it.
All right. I'll talk to you soon.
O-okay.
There are many terrifying
things in the world,
but the most terrifying thing is love.
-
- [SARAH JAROSZ'S "HOUSE OF MERCY"]
-
- In the middle of the night again ♪
-
- Still water, and the birds don't sing ♪
It attacks you like a thing with claws.
Medicating for the
trouble that's coming ♪
♪
This house wasn't made for strangers ♪
But you come knocking anyway ♪
I can hear you knocking on the door ♪
I won't leave it
open for you anymore ♪
Love opens you up, and there you are.
Knocking on the door
of the house of mercy ♪
♪
Don't try to change my mind ♪
And you don't even try to stop it.
You let it feed.
♪
Don't try to wear me down ♪
Because real love makes you want
the person you love to be okay
♪
Even if you are not.
♪
[WINGS FLAPPING]
[COOING]
Heather?
[COOING]
[GASPS]
[SOFT MUSIC]
♪
[GROWLS PLAYFULLY]
♪
Son of a bitch.
[DOOR OPENS]
♪
[COOING]
♪
[MUSIC TURNS SINISTER]
♪
Tell me about when you worked
for DARPA's autonomous robotics program.
[DOOR CLOSES]
The VA would donate soldiers
who were in a vegetative state to DARPA.
Instead of pulling the plug,
we kept them alive and ran experiments.
- I quit that job.
- [DEVICE BEEPS, LOCK CLICKS]
I still have nightmares.
♪
Nope.
No way in hell am I
putting that thing on.
It's not for you.
♪
It's for him.
♪
Who better to fight aliens
than someone who can see aliens?
♪